Hercules (1998–1999): Season 2, Episode 7 - Hercules and the Caledonian Boar - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Is he bold? ♪
- ♪ No one braver ♪

- ♪ Is he sweet? ♪
- ♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪



- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no
one, a zero, zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit
till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see.

Hoo! That's it!



T.Z.I. Friday, Baby!

After five days of
hitting the scrolls,

this melon needs
rest and relaxation.

I could sleep longer
than Endymion,

yes, sir, which is
a very long time.

Hey, look it up.

You know, Icarus, silence
is touched by Midas.

Look it up.

No rest for me this weekend.

Phil and I are joining
Greece's top heroes

for the great
Cledonian boar hunt.

You're going to hunt a big pig?

It's a total honor.

Yeah, I'm sure the boar
is just bursting with pride.

You know, I don't know if I could
sneak up on a living, breathing animal,

look him in the eye and, aah!

Blood! It's bloo... That's
it! I'm a vegetarian.

Ketchup is a vegetable.

Come on, kid.

Let's get on the
inter-city-state before rush hour.

See you guys Monday.

I'm going to bag a boar. Ha ha!

Hey, look no further.

Icarus, I see filthy
men splattered in blood

poking sticks into
a rotting carcass.

You're having a premonition
about Herc's hunting trip?

No, somebody left the
door to the kitchen open.

You heard the lady,
Herc. Buckle up.

Ooh, look, a Starbacchus
with a drive-through.

Ooh, another Starbacchus.

Boy, that god knows
how to franchise.

Shouldn't have had
that second cup of coffee.

Hey, is that a nymph?

Nah, just a tree
with a shapely trunk.

Oh, what's that stench?

Ew! We're passing
the Augean stables.

They got to get somebody
to clean out those things.

Oy.

We've got to make a pit
stop to pick up the boys.

Kid, I can't wait for
you to meet my buddies,

admired by men, loved by women.

Genuine role models.

Ooh, what's the
story on that one?

This little beauty
is the Orion 2000

semiautomatic crossbow,

fires 25 arrows per second.

Your prey don't stand a chance.

It's hamburger before
it hits the ground.

Ain't she a beauty?

Ooh, she is.

Want to buy her?
No i.d., no wait.

We'll take it.

And another sixer
of grape juice.

Hey, you old gasbag, you.

Nestor, Meleager, get over here.

Phil!

Boar! Boar! Boar! Boar!

Huh!

Kid, this is Nestor,

one of the greatest
hunters ever.

His aim is so true, he
can hit an ionian gadfly

from the top of Mount Parnassus,

which is very far. Look it up.

I am keen of sight.

And Meleager.

Mel can hear a twig crunch
on the far side of Crete.

Huh? You talking to me?

- I said...
- Got you! Ha ha ha ha!

Wow! It's an honor
to meet real heroes.

Guys, this is Hercules.

This kid's going to be bigger
than the Colossus at Rhodes.

A hero can make or
break his rep on the hunt.

Hey, welcome to
the party, rookie!

Yes! I am so in.

Wait till you guys taste
my boar hunt kickoff dinner,

a medley of red meats,
tossed bacon salad,

and mincemeat pie.

Ha ha. We're
talking belch-athon.

Ah, the great outdoors.

This is the life, eh, Herc?

Yeah.

Good one, kid.
You're going to do fine.

- Just got to stay frosty.
- You said it.

Every year it gets
harder even to find a boar.

I thought Caledonia
was full of boars.

It used to be.

But every year we
see less and less.

But the ones we see, we
shoot them on sight, right?

Whoa! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Hey, I hear something.

I see two fleas and a gnat.

That's it?

Yep, two fleas and a gnat.

They just landed on
the snout of that boar.

Party time! Party time!

Whoo!

We need a bigger wagon.

I should have taken
the optional insurance.

Ugh... he's pushing
us over a cliff!

The party's just
getting started, kid.

It's not a party!

Whoa!

Aah!

Party's over.

Chiron.

Hello, ladies. Ha ha ha ha.

That was a rental.

Don't tell me you didn't take
out the optional insurance?

Quit eyeballing me, boy.

You're, you're Chiron,
trainer of heroes.

True heroes.

A recent student of
mine, Themistocles,

just single-handedly sank
the entire Persian navy.

Why don't you join them?

And then there's Pheidippides.

He ran all the way to
Marathon, set a world's record,

- and invented the need for bunion pads...
- You invented the need for earplugs.

And I just signed a powerhouse
out-of-towner named Samson.

Yeah, yeah, I've seen him,
muscle-bound, needs a haircut.

Wow! You handled all those guys?

Those and more, son.

I've trained a
long line of heroes,

each and every one a success,

unlike a certain
horn-head I know.

Hey, Phil's a great trainer.

He's the best.

And Herc here is going to be
the greatest hero of them all.

Yeah, yeah, they call me killer.

The hunt is on,
killer. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Here's the chance to
show him your stuff, kid.

Phil, what happens after we
get the boar, do we eat him?

Nah the meat's too tough.

Well, uh, can we make hunting
capes from the boar's hide?

Not a good idea. Boar
hair is very coarse.

Chafes like a rug burn.

Well, so, what do
we get out of this?

You get to carve a
notch in your spear.

Shh. Boar tracks. He's close.

I just can't do it.

Throw already!

What were you thinking?
You had a clean shot!

Aah!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Aah!

I-I don't know what happened.

I was really looking
forward to killing for sport.

I'm as shocked as you are.

Let's just pray that
nobody saw you flinch.

Psst. Hey, Flincher.

Don't sweat it, kid. It's your
first time. You got scared.

That's not it, Phil. I
wasn't scared at all.

I just, I just couldn't
kill that boar.

Now you're talking crazy talk.

I'm telling you.

He looked like a deer
caught in the moonlight.

Ooh! Ooh! Hey, Phil.

Where's the comedy, fellas?

Ha ha ha ha! Oh, it's nothing.

Just something
Chiron said... Flincher.

Chiron came up with that
one 'cause the kid flinched.

You get it, huh?

Flincher.

It just fits, you know?

OK, so the kid was green
his first time at spear.

It happens.

But tomorrow, seek
some high ground

'cause boar blood will flow.

Uh, I don't think so, Phil.

- Kid, let me do the talking.
- I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Let me do the thinking too.

This boar hunt, it's not for me.

No. Really. Let
me do the talking.

I can't believe a
hero is somebody

who kills just to put
a notch on his spear.

You don't have to do the
notch, forget the notch.

Just do the killing part.

I'm sorry, Phil. You
can't hit the boar,

but you can nail the
trainer's heart bull's-eye.

The kid will come
around. I know it.

Yeah, right, and I've got some beachfront
property on Atlantis to sell you.

Kid, you really put
your foot in it this time.

Whoa! Ugh. Ugh.

Uh-oh.

What's the limit
on boar hunters?

I can explain.

Wait. Aren't you Artemis,
Goddess of the Wild?

Yeah, that's my bio, and y'all
are trespassing in my temple.

Well, I don't see any temple.

The backwoods are my temple,

and you're going to rue the day
you ever started hunting in them.

Hunting? Me? Sorry.

You snagged the Flincher.

Say, you aren't
a hunter, are you?

I can see it in your eyes.

My critters kind
of like you, too.

Cut him down!

So, tell me.

What in the blue blazes
are you doing out here?

Well, I wouldn't spear a boar,

and the other hunters
laughed at me, so I left.

Good for you. There aren't
many Caledonian boars left.

If they go, what's
next, unicorns?

I never thought of it like that.

The boars need a fella like you.

Yes, yes, yes, I love
you, too, but not now.

It's time for a
new kind of hero.

Hero? I'm there.

You're where?

It's, uh, it's an expression.

You kind of talk funny.

Oh, well, but anyway,
I must skedaddle.

So it's set. You are
my new eco-hero, OK?

We got a deal?

Uh, deal, but what's
the "eco" part mean?

Protect the boars.

Ah, that was the weirdest dream.

It wasn't a dream.

I promised Artemis
I'd protect the boars.

Oh, no, Phil will
never forgive me.

What am I going to do?

All right, all right. Enough
with the cute furry... yuck.

A deal's a deal.

I thought Herc would
be back by now.

That kid can be so stubborn.

Well, two can play at that game.

Who am I kidding?
I got to find the kid.

I'd never forgive myself if
something happens to him.

Hark. What's that I hear?

Could it be a wood
nymph, perchance?

A small detour won't hurt.

Ahem. Oh, Ms. Nymph!

Who's there?

A brave and mighty boar hunter.

A big brave boar hunter?

And mighty, mighty, mighty.

Artemis!

Well, well, hey
there, boar hunter.

Did I say boar hunter?

No, I meant bored with hunting,

and I only eat vegetables,

recycled vegetables.

Ha! If lies were children,
you'd be Hecuba.

She had scads. Look it up.

Now you get a whupping.

Blech!

Oh, for crying out loud,
I'm working here, walleye!

Aah!

Well, nanny goat man,
let's see what kicks you get

from the other end
of the pointy sticks.

Whoa! Whoa!

Ooh.

But you make a
right handsome boar.

You know, with any luck,

you'll make it to the
end of hunting season.

Shoot! I plumb forgot.

Around these parts, it's
always hunting season!

Yes, mama loves
you, too, sweetheart.

Mm-hmm. Mm, yeah.

You're killing mama,
baby. Come on, turn loose.

Let, ugh!

Let go!

I hear boar.

I see boar.

I kill boar.

By the gods, you sure
are a scrawny little runt.

And ugly, too. Ha ha!
Don't worry, little piggy!

I'll put you right out of
your misery! Ha ha ha!

Ah, blast.

Hey, Chiron. What's going
on? Did you see the boar?

Lock and load. We'll split
up and circle the beast.

You go left, and you go right.

Uh, can I ask you,

can you be more specific?

Ooh!

Specific enough?

Boar's got to be
around here somewhere.

There! Cute little fellow,

in an ugly, sort of scrawny way.

Yo, boar, your rump is mine!

Now, where did that boar get to?

What? I can't hear you.

That's two down
and Chiron to go.

Ha. I wish Phil could
see his flincher now.

Hey, where is Phil?

Sooey!

All trussed up and
ready for slaughter.

How convenient.

Not only scrawny and
ugly, but you are dumb.

Chiron, the hunt is over.

The Flincher? No one
stops the hunt, boar-hugger.

Get out of here.

Come on, hide
deep in the forest.

And never come out.

Well, go on. Scat.

Keep him for a pet, boy.

He may be the only
friend you'll ever have.

When I spread the
tale of your cowardice,

you'll be the
laughingstock of Greece.

I don't think so!

- Is that...
- Uh-huh. Artemis.

She's very protective
of these woods.

Look it up.

Oh, oh! Unh-unh.

For the love of, aah!

You're ruining my Deus
Ex Machina moment.

Well, this boy just whipped

three of the biggest
names in the hero biz.

So who's laughing now?

That's beginner's luck.

Oh, admit it, centaur.

You're looking at
a new kind of hero,

one that doesn't need to prove his
manhood by wiping out a species!

Uh, could you do me a
favor and get this boar off?

Whoops. I almost forgot.

- Phil?
- Phil?

Well, that explains a lot.

You saved me, kid!

Let this here be a lesson.

If y'all ever come
a-hunting here again,

the boar you skewer
may be one of your own.

Now, I'm out of here.

If we can't go boar hunting,
what are we going to do next year?

You tell me.

We could meet in
Knossos, go bowling.

There aren't any gods
against that, are there?

I don't think so.

Maybe we should, uh, look it up.