Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 7 - Hercules and the Techno Greeks - full transcript
Hercules finds himself hired by a bunch of nerdy, "abacus geeks" to protect their town from rampaging centaurs.
♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Is he bold? ♪
♪ No one braver ♪
♪ Is he sweet? ♪
♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪
- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪
♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪
♪ He's in trainin' ♪
♪ Sun is shinin' ♪
♪ And the nicest guy ♪
♪ No complainin' ♪
♪ He was a no one ♪
♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪
♪ He's our hero ♪
♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪
♪ From zero to hero ♪
♪ Herc is a hero ♪
♪ He'll be a hero ♪
Wait and see!
The Greek city-states were
the wonder of the ancient world.
Athens... birthplace
of modern government.
Sparta... birthplace
of military science.
Arcadia... birthplace
of... people from Arcadia.
Been there, done
that, bought the T-shirt.
Sweetheart, everybody's
heard of those places.
Let's tell them about a place
they haven't heard about.
- And that would be?
- Abacus Valley.
Never been. I certainly
do not have the T-shirt.
What? Baby, have you been
locked in a sound booth all your life?
As a... as a matter of fact...
Rest your pipes, darling.
We are on.
♪ Since the dawn of time
Man has struggled with math ♪
♪ He had to use his fingers
Just to add and subtract ♪
♪ Then along came a whiz
Not a moment too late ♪
♪ With an awesome new invention
That could really calculate ♪
♪ He's a techno Greek ♪
♪ He's a numbers freak ♪
♪ On a winning streak ♪
♪ And he'll soon
be in rolling dough ♪
♪ He's a techno Greek ♪
♪ He's got a factory ♪
Ha ha!
♪ He's a sheikh of geek ♪
♪ And he's worth
his weight in gold ♪
Life in the valley was sweet.
But, child, there
was just one problem.
Whoo-ha!
And it had a human
head and a horse's feet.
All right, centaurs,
let's giddyap.
OK. Clear.
Uh, Numericles, may I
suggest we get larger urns?
More hiding room.
No, Calculus. We
must hide no more.
Every Friday that gang of
centaurs pillages our city-state.
We have to do something!
We do, sir. We run, we
hide, we scream like little girls.
It's been a very
successful program.
The time has come to
terminate that program
and stand up for ourselves.
Really?
Uh... technically, no.
We'll pay someone
to stand up for us.
Oh.
Above my vanquished foe I stood,
my feet entangled in
his steaming viscera.
It was a mother's
day to remember.
That was quite...
um, vivid, Tempest.
But I'm not sure it
qualifies as light verse.
Poetry! Bah! I have
no use for words.
An Amazon is primed for action.
We strike first and
ask questions later...
Assuming our enemy
still has a tongue!
She scares me. I
need a little honey hug.
Cutting out the tongue...
Hmm. It would curb
the mindless prattle.
Yeah, I hate prattle.
OK. I'm next.
Ode to a hero... by, uh, me.
"The hero can do
where others don't.
The hero sees through
what others won't.
Oh, to be a hero
and never show any fear... o."
Suffer, Sappho.
Very, uh, nice, Hercules.
But a lyric poem doesn't
actually have to rhyme.
It has to express your passion.
You do have passion, don't you?
Well, uh, I want to be a hero
more than anything,
Miss Cassiopeia.
Now make me feel it.
Hero rule number 42, the
hero stops the unstoppable,
defends the defenseless,
helps the helpless.
Brains the brainless!
Why, Hercules, you're a
lyric poet and didn't know it.
Hate him. Hate this class.
Have a golden
afternoon, everybody.
I don't belong in
this pathetic school.
I belong in battle,
employing my catlike reflexes,
my total sensory awareness.
- Tempest?
- Hyah!
Aah!
You forgot your poem.
Keep it.
Ugh!
Whoa!
Who-o-o-o-a!
Vision!
I see an enormous boulder
destroying
everything in its path.
Oh, where?
Turn around.
Aah!
Look out!
Your abacus!
Ohh.
I mean, I'm an Amazon.
I have my own needs.
Who-o-a!
Ooh. Sword for hire.
Finally a chance to quench
my insatiable bloodthirst.
I shall find my destiny in...
Abacus Valley...
Home of the most brilliant
minds in all of Greece.
Yeah, and they're all
bigger geeks than me.
I feel muy macho here.
Look at this.
The helpline is jammed.
There you go, sir... A
brand-new power slate.
Ooh, and don't forget
your free upgraded ram.
May I...
"In case of girl,
breathe deeply,
Remain calm, check comb-over."
May I help you?
My abacus broke.
Actually, I crushed it
with a giant celestial globe.
- It's funny, really. I...
- Shh! I'm in diagnostic mode.
Can you fix it?
Does Isosceles get
triangle royalties?
A little math humor there.
Uh, yeah, I can fix it.
But a beguiling
young minx like you
should have our
upgrade program...
Abacus XCVIII.
I'd be happy to install it.
I'll give it the personal touch.
Give me that!
You're not personally touching
anything, Mr. Smooth operator!
Well, can you put together
something this complicated?
I don't see why not.
Well, uh, hmm...
Princess Tempest...
You certainly have
an impressive resume.
This "things I've skinned
alive" section is quite... vivid.
When do I start?
Well... The centaurs
attack every Friday,
and today is Friday.
The centaurs!
It's "scream like a
little girl" time. Aaah!
Welcome to our team.
Yes! Abacus Valley will flood
with the blood of many centaurs.
Super.
But first, we do have
a bit of paperwork.
Could it be that I offend?
In every conceivable way.
Techno Greeks!
Come out and pla-a-y!
Centaurs! I've got
to do something.
I must warn you that
as a hero-in-training
I must defend the defenseless.
Oh, lookee here.
A real live hero.
Soon to be a real dead hero.
Yee-haw!
Oh.
- Huh?
- Beads away!
Wagons... West!
Hyah!
Sometimes I
forget. Herc's strong.
Abnormally so.
Prepare to feel the
awesome wrath of Tempest,
You... you... You?
Hi, Tempest.
Excellent performance.
Truly alpha one.
Battle-damage assessment...
You kicked centaur tail!
It was nothing, really.
- I... I just...
- Stole my job!
Back to school, do-gooder.
I'm the local hired sword.
Hired?
You mean you're charging
to defend these people?
Actually...
We haven't finalized
the salary package.
You can't charge to
defend the defenseless.
Maybe a hero can't.
But a warrior can.
Ooh, really?
Let's talk... hero.
Well, you're both
pretty evenly matched.
Demigod. Amazon princess.
Well, darn it,
I just keep coming
back to this salary issue.
We're going with the
volunteer... I mean, hero.
Oh, thanks! I'll be the
best hero you've ever seen.
Oh, um, I'm sure you would
have been terrific, too, Tempest.
You'll pay for this
humiliation, bead counter!
My vengeance will be painfully,
agonizingly vengeful.
No complimentary
tote bag for you.
Whoa. Well, that's
all settled, eh?
Let's have a big lusty cheer
for our new hero Hercules!
- Hooray! Hooray!
- Hooray!
Ow! Oh, muscle spasm.
Ha ha! I think we all
get the general idea.
Welcome to the Feed Bag,
a great place to tie one on.
What's your pleasure?
Revenge!
Ah, a dish best served cold.
Hey, you're a human.
That's Amazon, short boy.
Yes, I'm sure.
But this is a centaur hangout.
Oh, Blotox won't like this.
"Blotox?"
What kind of a
stupid name is Blotox?
My name.
Blotox is my name,
and you have...
Seconds to take that back.
You want to take
this outside, stud?
Did you see that?
Next.
You...
You defeated our leader.
- Want to be next?
- No, no!
According to the bylaws
of our galloping, destroying,
and galloping away again club,
That makes you our new leader.
Why would I want
to be the leader
of a gang of smelly,
grass-munching...
Hold that insult.
Under my leadership,
we could form a
fearsome fighting force.
Ere this week is out,
Abacus Valley and their new hero
shall feel the wrath of Tempest!
If I could just slip in here...
I checked with the cook. Sorry.
Revenge isn't on the menu.
It is now.
Let's see. Ah! Ah!
Insert bead alpha
into slot delta!
Boy, it's like I've graduated
from hero training.
Say hello to the hero.
You don't have to
laugh in my face.
No, no! The guy's joke.
Isosceles, triangle,
royalties... that's great!
So, uh, how do you suppose the
Amazons actually cut out a tongue?
Hey, that's my beeper.
Abacus Valley needs their hero.
See ya!
Ha! I did it.
Your abacus is plugged in
to the information aqueduct.
Aye! I hope you
backed this thing up.
Ooh! Four minutes, 29
seconds, and three grains.
Excellent.
All right.
Where are the centaurs?
Uh... There's no attack today.
But it was essential that we
measure your response time.
For the inevitable eventuality
of an actual centaur-type
emergency situation.
Oh, OK. No problem.
Well, beep me if you need me.
Don't worry. We will.
And did they ever.
♪ Herc went to work ♪
♪ But he's feeling like a jerk ♪
♪ 'Cause those techno
Greeks keep pulling his chain ♪
Poor kid.
♪ Even when he's sleeping ♪
♪ His bosses keep on beeping ♪
♪ So far this hero
game is a pain ♪
♪ He'll keep on trying ♪
♪ But there's no denying ♪
♪ That this herky-jerky
job is lame ♪
T... T... There's a
centaur in that bush.
Guys, do you remember
how big centaurs are?
Maybe he's crouching.
Ugh!
All right, give
me 100 leg lifts!
Move those fetlocks! Now!
But, your leaderness lady,
it's time for us to
attack Abacus Valley.
We always attack on Friday.
Did it ever occur to you
that because you
always attack on Fridays
the techno Greeks
know you're coming?
But it ends the week
on kind of a high note.
No more.
We're going to launch
a surprise attack
on Monday.
- Oh!
- Oh!
I don't know, Pegasus.
This hero stuff isn't exactly
what I thought it would be.
I mean, they're nice guys
and all, it's just that they call me
every time they
see their shadow.
I really don't get
to right any wrongs
or rescue any
damsels or anything.
I don't feel like a hero. I
feel more like a... like...
Like a babysitter.
All right!
OK, centaur.
Your marauding days are over!
You're right. I'll
never maraud again.
Oh, sorry. I... I didn't
mean to hurt your feelings.
Well, you did.
My herd gave me the hoof.
My life has no meaning now.
You're not alone.
I thought I'd hit
the hero big time.
- Hey!
- No thanks. I already ate.
No, I... I mean,
hey, I... I got an idea.
Your life has no meaning.
My life is demeaning.
We can help each other.
How would you like to be my
deputy and protect Abacus Valley?
Sounds awfully touchy-feely.
You can do it.
Blotox, you can
learn to be good.
You're doing great, Blotox,
but you can't be a
hero without rules.
Uh, if this is about that little
accident I had on the rug...
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no. Hero rules.
Like hero rule number
93, strength isn't everything.
Sometimes you can defeat
your opponent with cunning.
Cu-nning?
Using your intelligence.
Intelli... Your wits.
W... W... W... Want
to play with a sword?
Goody!
All right. On
Monday, at high noon,
Alpha and Beta squads
will create a diversion here.
While I lead Charlie
Company on the final charge!
Attacking on Monday...
that's so radical.
Gentlemen, my
new deputy... Blotox.
A centaur! Run for your lives!
No. Wait, wait, wait.
He's on our side.
Ha! There is
nothing in this world
that would make me
allow a filthy centaur
to protect our fair valley.
Whoo-ha!
Welcome to the team.
Tempest is with the centaurs?
And they're attacking on Monday.
Why didn't I ever think of that?
Hercules.
Prepare to taste the steely
blade of swift retribution.
Yeah! Prepare
the tasty sling blade
rest and relaxation
and what she said.
Ugh!
I'd like to see us
work through this.
Indeed!
The vultures will
feast on your liver!
Aah! I was thinking more
of a compromise thing.
Whoa!
Ugh!
Hey, there's no one in line!
This is great.
Hello? Over here,
little help. Hello?
I hate guys with ponytails.
Aye! Leave me alone!
Uh, I hate to fight and
run, but you know...
Defend the
defenseless and all that.
Come back here!
I was winning!
Attacking centaurs.
Jeez, what could
be worse than that?
Well, hello there.
OK. Obvious setup. My fault.
I have a cowardly hiding
place for two, my sweet.
This would be a good time
for Zeus to take a
personal interest in my life.
Son of Zeus. Close enough.
I'll stand up to
these ro-owdies!
Whoa!
Ugh!
Herc... count on him.
I had hoped to
vanquish Hercules,
but you'll do.
No way, sister.
Ugh!
Blotox, remember the rules.
Use your cunning.
His what?
Now I'm gonna put
you out to pasture.
Me thinks not.
I'm cunning.
Whoa! Oh!
Hey! You did it!
Blotox, we was rooting
for you the whole time.
You're the horse, man.
The centaur of attention.
We shall meet again, Hercules,
and my vengeance
will be swift and bloody.
See you in math class.
OK. Oh, hey, don't
forget... Test tomorrow.
Now that you're our leader again
we can go back to
attacking on Fridays!
Attack on Fridays!
Now, hang on a second.
Herc, here, made me his deputy.
That'd mean I'd have to attack
and defend at the same time.
Well, that just sounds, uh,
mighty confusing, don't it?
Oh, yeah. Well, uh,
never thought of it that way.
So, uh, what do we do?
I have a suggestion.
This ram is totally incompatible
with my power slate,
and I'd like to know what
you plan to do about it!
Oh, security!
Is there a problem, sir?
I, uh... Why don't
we step outside, sir?
Uh, we are outside.
Aaah!
Hmm. These centaurs make
excellent security guards.
"glad" in gladiator? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Is he bold? ♪
♪ No one braver ♪
♪ Is he sweet? ♪
♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪
- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪
♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪
♪ He's in trainin' ♪
♪ Sun is shinin' ♪
♪ And the nicest guy ♪
♪ No complainin' ♪
♪ He was a no one ♪
♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪
♪ He's our hero ♪
♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪
♪ From zero to hero ♪
♪ Herc is a hero ♪
♪ He'll be a hero ♪
Wait and see!
The Greek city-states were
the wonder of the ancient world.
Athens... birthplace
of modern government.
Sparta... birthplace
of military science.
Arcadia... birthplace
of... people from Arcadia.
Been there, done
that, bought the T-shirt.
Sweetheart, everybody's
heard of those places.
Let's tell them about a place
they haven't heard about.
- And that would be?
- Abacus Valley.
Never been. I certainly
do not have the T-shirt.
What? Baby, have you been
locked in a sound booth all your life?
As a... as a matter of fact...
Rest your pipes, darling.
We are on.
♪ Since the dawn of time
Man has struggled with math ♪
♪ He had to use his fingers
Just to add and subtract ♪
♪ Then along came a whiz
Not a moment too late ♪
♪ With an awesome new invention
That could really calculate ♪
♪ He's a techno Greek ♪
♪ He's a numbers freak ♪
♪ On a winning streak ♪
♪ And he'll soon
be in rolling dough ♪
♪ He's a techno Greek ♪
♪ He's got a factory ♪
Ha ha!
♪ He's a sheikh of geek ♪
♪ And he's worth
his weight in gold ♪
Life in the valley was sweet.
But, child, there
was just one problem.
Whoo-ha!
And it had a human
head and a horse's feet.
All right, centaurs,
let's giddyap.
OK. Clear.
Uh, Numericles, may I
suggest we get larger urns?
More hiding room.
No, Calculus. We
must hide no more.
Every Friday that gang of
centaurs pillages our city-state.
We have to do something!
We do, sir. We run, we
hide, we scream like little girls.
It's been a very
successful program.
The time has come to
terminate that program
and stand up for ourselves.
Really?
Uh... technically, no.
We'll pay someone
to stand up for us.
Oh.
Above my vanquished foe I stood,
my feet entangled in
his steaming viscera.
It was a mother's
day to remember.
That was quite...
um, vivid, Tempest.
But I'm not sure it
qualifies as light verse.
Poetry! Bah! I have
no use for words.
An Amazon is primed for action.
We strike first and
ask questions later...
Assuming our enemy
still has a tongue!
She scares me. I
need a little honey hug.
Cutting out the tongue...
Hmm. It would curb
the mindless prattle.
Yeah, I hate prattle.
OK. I'm next.
Ode to a hero... by, uh, me.
"The hero can do
where others don't.
The hero sees through
what others won't.
Oh, to be a hero
and never show any fear... o."
Suffer, Sappho.
Very, uh, nice, Hercules.
But a lyric poem doesn't
actually have to rhyme.
It has to express your passion.
You do have passion, don't you?
Well, uh, I want to be a hero
more than anything,
Miss Cassiopeia.
Now make me feel it.
Hero rule number 42, the
hero stops the unstoppable,
defends the defenseless,
helps the helpless.
Brains the brainless!
Why, Hercules, you're a
lyric poet and didn't know it.
Hate him. Hate this class.
Have a golden
afternoon, everybody.
I don't belong in
this pathetic school.
I belong in battle,
employing my catlike reflexes,
my total sensory awareness.
- Tempest?
- Hyah!
Aah!
You forgot your poem.
Keep it.
Ugh!
Whoa!
Who-o-o-o-a!
Vision!
I see an enormous boulder
destroying
everything in its path.
Oh, where?
Turn around.
Aah!
Look out!
Your abacus!
Ohh.
I mean, I'm an Amazon.
I have my own needs.
Who-o-a!
Ooh. Sword for hire.
Finally a chance to quench
my insatiable bloodthirst.
I shall find my destiny in...
Abacus Valley...
Home of the most brilliant
minds in all of Greece.
Yeah, and they're all
bigger geeks than me.
I feel muy macho here.
Look at this.
The helpline is jammed.
There you go, sir... A
brand-new power slate.
Ooh, and don't forget
your free upgraded ram.
May I...
"In case of girl,
breathe deeply,
Remain calm, check comb-over."
May I help you?
My abacus broke.
Actually, I crushed it
with a giant celestial globe.
- It's funny, really. I...
- Shh! I'm in diagnostic mode.
Can you fix it?
Does Isosceles get
triangle royalties?
A little math humor there.
Uh, yeah, I can fix it.
But a beguiling
young minx like you
should have our
upgrade program...
Abacus XCVIII.
I'd be happy to install it.
I'll give it the personal touch.
Give me that!
You're not personally touching
anything, Mr. Smooth operator!
Well, can you put together
something this complicated?
I don't see why not.
Well, uh, hmm...
Princess Tempest...
You certainly have
an impressive resume.
This "things I've skinned
alive" section is quite... vivid.
When do I start?
Well... The centaurs
attack every Friday,
and today is Friday.
The centaurs!
It's "scream like a
little girl" time. Aaah!
Welcome to our team.
Yes! Abacus Valley will flood
with the blood of many centaurs.
Super.
But first, we do have
a bit of paperwork.
Could it be that I offend?
In every conceivable way.
Techno Greeks!
Come out and pla-a-y!
Centaurs! I've got
to do something.
I must warn you that
as a hero-in-training
I must defend the defenseless.
Oh, lookee here.
A real live hero.
Soon to be a real dead hero.
Yee-haw!
Oh.
- Huh?
- Beads away!
Wagons... West!
Hyah!
Sometimes I
forget. Herc's strong.
Abnormally so.
Prepare to feel the
awesome wrath of Tempest,
You... you... You?
Hi, Tempest.
Excellent performance.
Truly alpha one.
Battle-damage assessment...
You kicked centaur tail!
It was nothing, really.
- I... I just...
- Stole my job!
Back to school, do-gooder.
I'm the local hired sword.
Hired?
You mean you're charging
to defend these people?
Actually...
We haven't finalized
the salary package.
You can't charge to
defend the defenseless.
Maybe a hero can't.
But a warrior can.
Ooh, really?
Let's talk... hero.
Well, you're both
pretty evenly matched.
Demigod. Amazon princess.
Well, darn it,
I just keep coming
back to this salary issue.
We're going with the
volunteer... I mean, hero.
Oh, thanks! I'll be the
best hero you've ever seen.
Oh, um, I'm sure you would
have been terrific, too, Tempest.
You'll pay for this
humiliation, bead counter!
My vengeance will be painfully,
agonizingly vengeful.
No complimentary
tote bag for you.
Whoa. Well, that's
all settled, eh?
Let's have a big lusty cheer
for our new hero Hercules!
- Hooray! Hooray!
- Hooray!
Ow! Oh, muscle spasm.
Ha ha! I think we all
get the general idea.
Welcome to the Feed Bag,
a great place to tie one on.
What's your pleasure?
Revenge!
Ah, a dish best served cold.
Hey, you're a human.
That's Amazon, short boy.
Yes, I'm sure.
But this is a centaur hangout.
Oh, Blotox won't like this.
"Blotox?"
What kind of a
stupid name is Blotox?
My name.
Blotox is my name,
and you have...
Seconds to take that back.
You want to take
this outside, stud?
Did you see that?
Next.
You...
You defeated our leader.
- Want to be next?
- No, no!
According to the bylaws
of our galloping, destroying,
and galloping away again club,
That makes you our new leader.
Why would I want
to be the leader
of a gang of smelly,
grass-munching...
Hold that insult.
Under my leadership,
we could form a
fearsome fighting force.
Ere this week is out,
Abacus Valley and their new hero
shall feel the wrath of Tempest!
If I could just slip in here...
I checked with the cook. Sorry.
Revenge isn't on the menu.
It is now.
Let's see. Ah! Ah!
Insert bead alpha
into slot delta!
Boy, it's like I've graduated
from hero training.
Say hello to the hero.
You don't have to
laugh in my face.
No, no! The guy's joke.
Isosceles, triangle,
royalties... that's great!
So, uh, how do you suppose the
Amazons actually cut out a tongue?
Hey, that's my beeper.
Abacus Valley needs their hero.
See ya!
Ha! I did it.
Your abacus is plugged in
to the information aqueduct.
Aye! I hope you
backed this thing up.
Ooh! Four minutes, 29
seconds, and three grains.
Excellent.
All right.
Where are the centaurs?
Uh... There's no attack today.
But it was essential that we
measure your response time.
For the inevitable eventuality
of an actual centaur-type
emergency situation.
Oh, OK. No problem.
Well, beep me if you need me.
Don't worry. We will.
And did they ever.
♪ Herc went to work ♪
♪ But he's feeling like a jerk ♪
♪ 'Cause those techno
Greeks keep pulling his chain ♪
Poor kid.
♪ Even when he's sleeping ♪
♪ His bosses keep on beeping ♪
♪ So far this hero
game is a pain ♪
♪ He'll keep on trying ♪
♪ But there's no denying ♪
♪ That this herky-jerky
job is lame ♪
T... T... There's a
centaur in that bush.
Guys, do you remember
how big centaurs are?
Maybe he's crouching.
Ugh!
All right, give
me 100 leg lifts!
Move those fetlocks! Now!
But, your leaderness lady,
it's time for us to
attack Abacus Valley.
We always attack on Friday.
Did it ever occur to you
that because you
always attack on Fridays
the techno Greeks
know you're coming?
But it ends the week
on kind of a high note.
No more.
We're going to launch
a surprise attack
on Monday.
- Oh!
- Oh!
I don't know, Pegasus.
This hero stuff isn't exactly
what I thought it would be.
I mean, they're nice guys
and all, it's just that they call me
every time they
see their shadow.
I really don't get
to right any wrongs
or rescue any
damsels or anything.
I don't feel like a hero. I
feel more like a... like...
Like a babysitter.
All right!
OK, centaur.
Your marauding days are over!
You're right. I'll
never maraud again.
Oh, sorry. I... I didn't
mean to hurt your feelings.
Well, you did.
My herd gave me the hoof.
My life has no meaning now.
You're not alone.
I thought I'd hit
the hero big time.
- Hey!
- No thanks. I already ate.
No, I... I mean,
hey, I... I got an idea.
Your life has no meaning.
My life is demeaning.
We can help each other.
How would you like to be my
deputy and protect Abacus Valley?
Sounds awfully touchy-feely.
You can do it.
Blotox, you can
learn to be good.
You're doing great, Blotox,
but you can't be a
hero without rules.
Uh, if this is about that little
accident I had on the rug...
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no. Hero rules.
Like hero rule number
93, strength isn't everything.
Sometimes you can defeat
your opponent with cunning.
Cu-nning?
Using your intelligence.
Intelli... Your wits.
W... W... W... Want
to play with a sword?
Goody!
All right. On
Monday, at high noon,
Alpha and Beta squads
will create a diversion here.
While I lead Charlie
Company on the final charge!
Attacking on Monday...
that's so radical.
Gentlemen, my
new deputy... Blotox.
A centaur! Run for your lives!
No. Wait, wait, wait.
He's on our side.
Ha! There is
nothing in this world
that would make me
allow a filthy centaur
to protect our fair valley.
Whoo-ha!
Welcome to the team.
Tempest is with the centaurs?
And they're attacking on Monday.
Why didn't I ever think of that?
Hercules.
Prepare to taste the steely
blade of swift retribution.
Yeah! Prepare
the tasty sling blade
rest and relaxation
and what she said.
Ugh!
I'd like to see us
work through this.
Indeed!
The vultures will
feast on your liver!
Aah! I was thinking more
of a compromise thing.
Whoa!
Ugh!
Hey, there's no one in line!
This is great.
Hello? Over here,
little help. Hello?
I hate guys with ponytails.
Aye! Leave me alone!
Uh, I hate to fight and
run, but you know...
Defend the
defenseless and all that.
Come back here!
I was winning!
Attacking centaurs.
Jeez, what could
be worse than that?
Well, hello there.
OK. Obvious setup. My fault.
I have a cowardly hiding
place for two, my sweet.
This would be a good time
for Zeus to take a
personal interest in my life.
Son of Zeus. Close enough.
I'll stand up to
these ro-owdies!
Whoa!
Ugh!
Herc... count on him.
I had hoped to
vanquish Hercules,
but you'll do.
No way, sister.
Ugh!
Blotox, remember the rules.
Use your cunning.
His what?
Now I'm gonna put
you out to pasture.
Me thinks not.
I'm cunning.
Whoa! Oh!
Hey! You did it!
Blotox, we was rooting
for you the whole time.
You're the horse, man.
The centaur of attention.
We shall meet again, Hercules,
and my vengeance
will be swift and bloody.
See you in math class.
OK. Oh, hey, don't
forget... Test tomorrow.
Now that you're our leader again
we can go back to
attacking on Fridays!
Attack on Fridays!
Now, hang on a second.
Herc, here, made me his deputy.
That'd mean I'd have to attack
and defend at the same time.
Well, that just sounds, uh,
mighty confusing, don't it?
Oh, yeah. Well, uh,
never thought of it that way.
So, uh, what do we do?
I have a suggestion.
This ram is totally incompatible
with my power slate,
and I'd like to know what
you plan to do about it!
Oh, security!
Is there a problem, sir?
I, uh... Why don't
we step outside, sir?
Uh, we are outside.
Aaah!
Hmm. These centaurs make
excellent security guards.