Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 6 - Hercules and the River Styx - full transcript
Hades makes a deal with Poseidon to to cede control of Athens, thus causing the city-state to becomes a place of gloom, and Prometheus Academy to become the epicenter of torment for ...
♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Is he bold? ♪
♪ No one braver ♪
♪ Is he sweet? ♪
♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪
- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪
♪ Now the boy's in school ♪
♪ He's in trainin' ♪
♪ Sun is shinin' ♪
♪ And the nicest guy ♪
♪ No complainin' ♪
♪ He was a no one ♪
♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪
♪ He's our hero ♪
♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪
♪ From zero to hero ♪
♪ Herc is a hero ♪
♪ He'll be a hero ♪
Wait and see!
Some say the greatest inventor
in all antiquity was Daedalus...
The master artificer.
Some even claim that he...
Hello, narrator, dude?
Oh, for heaven's
sakes, now what?
Uh, just who are
these some people?
Well, me. I'm saying
it and I wasn't finished.
Now don't go
gettin' all icy on us.
'Cause we got the dish
on Daedalus, honey.
He invented the first compass,
Put the sail in sailing,
and the fold in folding chairs.
- He was...
- Da bomb?
That was not one of his.
But he did cook up the wax
wings that got his son brain-fried.
Ahh, his son, Icarus.
I was getting to that.
Well, get to it!
Ahem. Yes, well,
in today's story,
Daedalus, shop teacher
at Prometheus Academy
and father of Icarus,
faces the greatest
challenge of his life.
A certain all-thumbs
student named Hercules.
There are
approximately 12 of you.
You are all adolescents.
Therefore, you must
be my new class.
We shall begin molding
your tender young minds
with a group project.
A solar-powered catapult?
And you are? Hercules.
Ahh, Icarus has told me of you.
Hero-in-training. And strong...
Abnormally so.
Well, yeah, I, uh, huh?
Meaningless here!
In this room, we are not heroes.
We are inventists!
Creatons! Manipuladores!
Hey!
Behold the
greatest gift of all...
Raw manual dexterity.
You, hero, shall operate
the trigger on the catapult.
Try not to blow
it, Destructo boy.
We get a group grade on this.
Sunlight enters and
reflects off the mirror.
This glass focuses the
solar rays on the string...
Burning! Burning!
Activating the device.
Can't you just do this?
No.
I'll see you after school, hero.
I just don't think I'm
cut out for shop class.
It could be worse.
It could be home greconomics.
Or gym. The bane
of my existence.
At least those classes
serve a purpose.
Shop class is useless.
And we define useless as
"something you're not good at?"
Precision cut.
I'm serious. I'm
a hero-in-training,
not a manipuladore.
Whatever that is.
Well, hello, it's a
synonym for Creaton.
Come on, we're going to be late.
Maybe you're going to be late,
but I'm not going to be late.
Pain!
And panic.
Reporting for duty!
Hello? Hades?
Yoo-hoo?
What about our weekly "scheme
to rearrange the cosmos" meeting?
I thought attendance
was mandatory.
Hades left a note.
Does he say anything about me?
"Boys, gone to trick
my brother, Poseidon,
into rearranging the cosmos.
Signed, soon to have
much power, Hades.
P.S. You're late!"
Oh, forgive us, Hades!
We are naught but your toadies.
Wait, he's not even here.
Man, he's good.
Say, brother, did I
ever tell you about
when I invented
the marine mammal?
Yeah, Poseidon, about
a zillion times. Anyway...
'Course, the first few drowned.
You know, uh, mammals.
Ha. Then it hit me...
blowhole! Ha ha!
Look at him go!
Here you try it.
Hold it in your teeth.
Cute. No, really.
Ahh, they can't help but be.
I designed them that way.
What can I say? You're a God.
In fact, why are you stuck
in this backwater water?
You are obviously
almighty material.
Well, I'm mighty. There.
A tidal wave just blew
out Lemnos beach.
Splash!
Nice, but I'm talking
almighty like... like Zeus.
He's got heavens and the earth.
And you, you've got
water and a big fork, OK?
I mean, grant it,
it's a lot of water
and, you know, a
really nice big fork.
But... you need,
you need, uh, people.
Yeah, that's... that's
where it's at, bro.
People praising and worshiping
and offering offerings.
Offerings, huh?
Things have been a little
slow in that department.
See? It's like shooting
fish in a barrel.
Bada bing.
We gotta get you a city-state.
Like, uh, I dunno, I
see you with, like, uh,
Athens.
If it were up to me, I
would give you Athens.
Oop, did I say Athens?
Poseidopolis. How does
that sound? Huh? Nice, huh?
Poseidopolis?
You know, of course, it's
not up to me. It never will be.
Unless? Nah, nah.
What? What? Unless what?
It's mshuga. It's crazy talk.
The river Sstyx is the
official border of my domain.
You see, if the river Styx
were to alter its course to
say, you know, include Greece.
Nah, it's crazy talk.
Unless some aqua deity
with the power to move
rivers would intervene
to make Greece part
of the underworld,
then of course it would
be my call who gets...
Athens!
Yeah, right.
Wait a minute. I could do that!
Oh, what, you
think I was serious?
I can't give you Athens. Geez.
The jewel of Greek
city-states? Never.
Please!
OK, shake. Ooh, what
a dealmaker you are.
What a hundler, huh?
And they say you're
wet behind the ears, huh?
We shall start at the
beginning, you and I.
The basics. Ah, here.
Behold the fundamental machine.
The lever.
Sublimely simple.
Say it with me.
Got it. No, say lever!
Never mind.
Here's a working model.
In the words of my close,
personal friend Archimedes,
give me a lever long enough,
a fulcrum high enough,
a place to stand,
and I'll kiss you on the nose.
He was a strange man.
But now, you see,
we can lift objects
that would otherwise
be too large,
too, um, um, heavy.
Too heavy?
It's just an anvil. See?
Icarus, I am dropping
your dad's dumb shop class.
Hey, dad-alus'
class is not dumb.
He's a great inventist.
Oh, come on. Those
widgets of his are useless.
His widgets? Useless!
Need I remind you
of the milkqueduct.
You call this useless?
OK, well, how about
his lyre-crossbow
for the poet-warrior?
But wait, there's more.
His self-sacrificing sheep!
I rest my case.
Totally useless.
Styx, goddess of the
river of the underworld,
by my divine power
as lord of the waters,
I command you!
Ah, squid.
Gotta remember to
lube this thing. Come on!
Dad-alus's
inventions are genius!
They're useless, Icarus.
They're genius.
And the class is useless.
Uh, guys...
Hate to interrupt
this free flow of ideas,
but I see a disaster coming.
Can the vision wait, hon?
I'm not talkin' distant future.
This is instant future.
♪ Old flame top is honing ♪
♪ A plan for rezoning ♪
♪ And takin' his
show on the road ♪
♪ Just look at him gloating ♪
♪ While busily boding ♪
♪ That ego must
be quite a load ♪
Come on, ladies,
sing along with Hades.
♪ Let me show you
girls Around in my town ♪
♪ New hades ♪
♪ Sure beats livin'
Underground in my town ♪
♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪
♪ I got a penthouse
on Spark Avenue ♪
♪ I'd like you to see ♪
♪ Museums and
parks and works of art ♪
♪ Are, hey, dedicated to me ♪
♪ The shop at doom and
Gloomingdales In my town ♪
♪ In his town ♪
♪ We'll dine tonight ♪
♪ In Togas and tails
in, yeah, my town ♪
♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪
♪ I'm the host ♪
♪ Who loves to toast ♪
♪ Another job well done ♪
♪ In my town ♪
♪ In his town ♪
♪ I'm number one ♪
Not in my book you ain't.
Hey!
♪ I'm honest, I'm mayor ♪
♪ I'm chief of police ♪
♪ Oh ho ho ♪
Yeah.
♪ His town ♪
♪ The hottest spot
in all of Greece ♪
♪ Has a home, what town? ♪
♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪
♪ The Parthenon ♪
♪ The crowning jewel ♪
♪ Could use my flare
for urban renewal ♪
What?
I'm just kidding. I
wouldn't change a thing.
I'm serious... not!
Hot! ♪ His town ♪
♪ Yeah, in my town ♪
Hey, you gotta
love it, don't you?
Keys are with the valet.
Thank you very much. Good night.
♪ His town ♪
Ahh, eager young minds,
the best and brightest
hope for the future.
Time to extinguish that hope.
Hi, kids. Name's Hades.
I'm your new principal.
I'll be instituting a new
educational paradigm
based on the three R's.
Revenge, requital,
and retribution.
You'll love it!
And get this,
there's no homework!
Because you don't
get to go home.
No way, Hades!
Ha ha, way, Herc.
OK, torment time.
Come on, inspiration.
Hit me, baby. Come on.
Hey, this is high school.
Can Hades make it any worse?
Our first victim...
Helen of Troy!
Um, I think I can speak for the
whole student body when I say that...
Excuse me, Helen, right?
Helen, honey, you
should cut down
on the deep-fried feta puffs.
Trust me on this.
I don't eat any junk food.
It wreaks havoc
on my complexion.
No! No!
Not... not feta puffs!
No!
Poor, Helen. The face that
launched a thousand zits. Ha.
All right, who's next?
Adonis... The peppered
Prince of Thrace.
Adonis? Prince
Adonis? You here, babe?
Present.
Ready for your eternal torment?
I have a servant
to serve my eternal
punishment for me.
Oh, really, new wrinkle, babe.
So... you'll spend
eternity serving him!
Yes. And let's start
with the foot massage.
It's so relaxing.
Right in there between
the toes. Come on!
Casandra... Home
greconomics hater.
♪ Wash the floors
and dishes clean ♪
♪ Pit the dates
and do the laundry ♪
♪ Live a happy, snappy life ♪
♪ Bein' a housewife ♪
Oh, he's good.
Icarus... Uh, he's weird.
No! No! Anything but gym!
I hate gym!
Please!
All right.
How about an eternity spent
punching out your best buddy?
Nice, huh?
Come and get me, sissy face.
Hyah, you want a piece of me?
Ooh! Ooh! You swine! Hyah! Hyah!
Teach you to call
my dad useless!
Get up! Get up!
All right, all right.
Time-out. Time-out.
This isn't supposed to be fun.
Hey, this isn't fair.
This isn't the real
Hercules. Ooh!
Oh, no, we have a
slightly different torment
prepared for him. Hee hee.
And finally Hercules... Klutz.
No, please, I can't
do shop class.
You can't do shop class?
Well, guess what.
I know that. Hee.
Hey, don't fret,
Herc, I got you paired
with the best possible
teacher. You'll love it.
Very clever, Hades.
Your punishment is him
and his punishment is you.
Mmm, sweet. Ha ha.
Well, love to stay, but I've got
the orphanage and
nursing home to torment
and then I gotta
do lunch. Ha ha.
Ciao, baby.
I have an assignment for you.
I know, I know,
something simple.
Something even a
klutz like me can handle.
Let's review the lever again.
No. It is a very
special assignment.
You might say it is a
breakout opportunity.
Take your time.
- Escape?
- Yes! Save your school.
Save all of Greece!
And, hero, you will be graded.
Yes, sir! But how?
The school district favors
a standard bell curve. I...
No. I mean how do I escape
the forces of the underworld?
I prepared this war-wagon
for just such an emergency.
Turn the crank.
Power the internal mainspring.
Smash our way out of
this eternal detention!
Wow!
Teacher and student,
we shall be liberated!
97... 98... 99...
Man, how many times do
you have to crank this thing?
Three cranks will suffice.
Uh-oh.
Whoa!
That's gonna affect your grade.
Whoa!
Aah!
Whoa!
All right.
Athena's temple.
She's wise. She can help us.
You and me. Right now!
Ya take back the stuff about dad
or we're going mano-a-mano.
Uh, can we talk about this
after we save Greece
from eternal doom? Please.
It's OK. I'll take a rain check.
Oh, great goddess of wisdom,
we summon your aid.
Uh, Herc?
Actually, I was just
about to summon your aid.
The magic chains are
are courtesy of Hades.
You see, Hercules,
somebody made a foolish deal
to seize control of Athens.
Poseidopolis.
And you trusted the bloomin'
lord of the underworld!
But he's my bro-bro.
We shook on it.
Oh! You, Hercules.
You must reroute the river.
Me? How?
Give him the trident.
Trident? What trident?
Oh, my trident!
Oh, no! No! Never!
He's just a tadpole!
It's either that
or stay chained next
to me for all eternity.
It's behind the tapestry.
Oh, awesome.
Come on, Icarus.
As long as we are captured,
care to play 20 questions?
Uh, I'm thinking of a vegetable.
Rutabaga.
I hate you.
You realize if you didn't
have to save the world,
I'd be kicking
your butt right now.
Yeah, right.
Goddess of the river
Styx, I am Hercules.
Uh, hi.
By the powers of
Poseidon, Lord of the waters,
whose trident
I'm... I'm borrowing.
He said... he said it was OK.
I command you to move.
Strike the trident!
Huh? Oh.
Whoa! Hey! Hey! What's the...
Hail!
Ow! Ow! Come on!
Steam?
No, no, no, wait,
wait, come back!
Ice? Oh!
Divert!
OK, who wants trident?
I do. I do. Ha ha.
Didn't you read the
fine print on this?
For ages immortal and up. Ha ha.
Look at this. Wash his
troubles down the drain.
You're not gettin'
away that easy.
I have a rain check!
Of course, I can't
actually swim.
By the power of the trident,
I declare myself
lord of the waters,
and hereby annex
Poseidon's realm!
I am having way too much fun.
I gotta go gloat. Ha.
Where's Poseidon? Po-Po?
You saved us!
But... but now what?
Without the trident,
I'll have to move a
mountain to divert that river.
It's too heavy.
I can't lift it.
Puh-lease. The
answer's so obvious.
What? What is it?
No, I'm not telling you.
Icarus, I'm sorry
for what I said
about your dad's inventions.
I'm sorry for what I said
about your dad's class.
Does that cover it?
How sorry? Really,
really, really sorry.
Now what is it?
But you don't sound sorry.
Oh, Icarus, come on!
It is sublimely
simple. Say it with me.
The lever!
I have gone through much travail
to see my student in action.
My shop student.
Hey, it's supposed
to be a turtle torment.
Yeah, you just can't walk out.
Proceed, shop student.
Yes, sir!
That's what I like to see.
Fences mended. Bridges built.
And a lever crafted out
of available materials.
Can do!
Ahh, the fulcrum.
There you go,
Buddy. Put 'er down.
What now?
Oh, that's right,
it's the lever.
Oh, and the place to stand.
There you go. Look at this kid!
Sublimely simple.
Oh, yes, that's right.
Make those dishes shine!
That's the way to get a man.
Oh, dear!
Thank you.
Hey, Poseidon, you've
just lost your domain,
your trident, and hey, a battle
of wits with your baby brother.
So, what are you
gonna do next, huh?
Whoops.
OK, a little snag in the, uh,
take-over-the-big-brother's-domain
plan.
So, hey, easy come, easy go.
Bada boom, bada bing.
It's just business, right?
No hard feelings.
Uh, I mean, come on,
blood's thicker than
water, am I right, Po-Po?
Babe, come on, huh, you'd
know this, wouldn't you?
Ooo! Ow! Po-Po!
Watch the hair! Watch the hair!
Once again, Hercules saved
the city-state of Athens
and he passed
shop class... Barely.
"glad" in gladiator? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Is he bold? ♪
♪ No one braver ♪
♪ Is he sweet? ♪
♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪
- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪
♪ Now the boy's in school ♪
♪ He's in trainin' ♪
♪ Sun is shinin' ♪
♪ And the nicest guy ♪
♪ No complainin' ♪
♪ He was a no one ♪
♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪
♪ He's our hero ♪
♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪
♪ From zero to hero ♪
♪ Herc is a hero ♪
♪ He'll be a hero ♪
Wait and see!
Some say the greatest inventor
in all antiquity was Daedalus...
The master artificer.
Some even claim that he...
Hello, narrator, dude?
Oh, for heaven's
sakes, now what?
Uh, just who are
these some people?
Well, me. I'm saying
it and I wasn't finished.
Now don't go
gettin' all icy on us.
'Cause we got the dish
on Daedalus, honey.
He invented the first compass,
Put the sail in sailing,
and the fold in folding chairs.
- He was...
- Da bomb?
That was not one of his.
But he did cook up the wax
wings that got his son brain-fried.
Ahh, his son, Icarus.
I was getting to that.
Well, get to it!
Ahem. Yes, well,
in today's story,
Daedalus, shop teacher
at Prometheus Academy
and father of Icarus,
faces the greatest
challenge of his life.
A certain all-thumbs
student named Hercules.
There are
approximately 12 of you.
You are all adolescents.
Therefore, you must
be my new class.
We shall begin molding
your tender young minds
with a group project.
A solar-powered catapult?
And you are? Hercules.
Ahh, Icarus has told me of you.
Hero-in-training. And strong...
Abnormally so.
Well, yeah, I, uh, huh?
Meaningless here!
In this room, we are not heroes.
We are inventists!
Creatons! Manipuladores!
Hey!
Behold the
greatest gift of all...
Raw manual dexterity.
You, hero, shall operate
the trigger on the catapult.
Try not to blow
it, Destructo boy.
We get a group grade on this.
Sunlight enters and
reflects off the mirror.
This glass focuses the
solar rays on the string...
Burning! Burning!
Activating the device.
Can't you just do this?
No.
I'll see you after school, hero.
I just don't think I'm
cut out for shop class.
It could be worse.
It could be home greconomics.
Or gym. The bane
of my existence.
At least those classes
serve a purpose.
Shop class is useless.
And we define useless as
"something you're not good at?"
Precision cut.
I'm serious. I'm
a hero-in-training,
not a manipuladore.
Whatever that is.
Well, hello, it's a
synonym for Creaton.
Come on, we're going to be late.
Maybe you're going to be late,
but I'm not going to be late.
Pain!
And panic.
Reporting for duty!
Hello? Hades?
Yoo-hoo?
What about our weekly "scheme
to rearrange the cosmos" meeting?
I thought attendance
was mandatory.
Hades left a note.
Does he say anything about me?
"Boys, gone to trick
my brother, Poseidon,
into rearranging the cosmos.
Signed, soon to have
much power, Hades.
P.S. You're late!"
Oh, forgive us, Hades!
We are naught but your toadies.
Wait, he's not even here.
Man, he's good.
Say, brother, did I
ever tell you about
when I invented
the marine mammal?
Yeah, Poseidon, about
a zillion times. Anyway...
'Course, the first few drowned.
You know, uh, mammals.
Ha. Then it hit me...
blowhole! Ha ha!
Look at him go!
Here you try it.
Hold it in your teeth.
Cute. No, really.
Ahh, they can't help but be.
I designed them that way.
What can I say? You're a God.
In fact, why are you stuck
in this backwater water?
You are obviously
almighty material.
Well, I'm mighty. There.
A tidal wave just blew
out Lemnos beach.
Splash!
Nice, but I'm talking
almighty like... like Zeus.
He's got heavens and the earth.
And you, you've got
water and a big fork, OK?
I mean, grant it,
it's a lot of water
and, you know, a
really nice big fork.
But... you need,
you need, uh, people.
Yeah, that's... that's
where it's at, bro.
People praising and worshiping
and offering offerings.
Offerings, huh?
Things have been a little
slow in that department.
See? It's like shooting
fish in a barrel.
Bada bing.
We gotta get you a city-state.
Like, uh, I dunno, I
see you with, like, uh,
Athens.
If it were up to me, I
would give you Athens.
Oop, did I say Athens?
Poseidopolis. How does
that sound? Huh? Nice, huh?
Poseidopolis?
You know, of course, it's
not up to me. It never will be.
Unless? Nah, nah.
What? What? Unless what?
It's mshuga. It's crazy talk.
The river Sstyx is the
official border of my domain.
You see, if the river Styx
were to alter its course to
say, you know, include Greece.
Nah, it's crazy talk.
Unless some aqua deity
with the power to move
rivers would intervene
to make Greece part
of the underworld,
then of course it would
be my call who gets...
Athens!
Yeah, right.
Wait a minute. I could do that!
Oh, what, you
think I was serious?
I can't give you Athens. Geez.
The jewel of Greek
city-states? Never.
Please!
OK, shake. Ooh, what
a dealmaker you are.
What a hundler, huh?
And they say you're
wet behind the ears, huh?
We shall start at the
beginning, you and I.
The basics. Ah, here.
Behold the fundamental machine.
The lever.
Sublimely simple.
Say it with me.
Got it. No, say lever!
Never mind.
Here's a working model.
In the words of my close,
personal friend Archimedes,
give me a lever long enough,
a fulcrum high enough,
a place to stand,
and I'll kiss you on the nose.
He was a strange man.
But now, you see,
we can lift objects
that would otherwise
be too large,
too, um, um, heavy.
Too heavy?
It's just an anvil. See?
Icarus, I am dropping
your dad's dumb shop class.
Hey, dad-alus'
class is not dumb.
He's a great inventist.
Oh, come on. Those
widgets of his are useless.
His widgets? Useless!
Need I remind you
of the milkqueduct.
You call this useless?
OK, well, how about
his lyre-crossbow
for the poet-warrior?
But wait, there's more.
His self-sacrificing sheep!
I rest my case.
Totally useless.
Styx, goddess of the
river of the underworld,
by my divine power
as lord of the waters,
I command you!
Ah, squid.
Gotta remember to
lube this thing. Come on!
Dad-alus's
inventions are genius!
They're useless, Icarus.
They're genius.
And the class is useless.
Uh, guys...
Hate to interrupt
this free flow of ideas,
but I see a disaster coming.
Can the vision wait, hon?
I'm not talkin' distant future.
This is instant future.
♪ Old flame top is honing ♪
♪ A plan for rezoning ♪
♪ And takin' his
show on the road ♪
♪ Just look at him gloating ♪
♪ While busily boding ♪
♪ That ego must
be quite a load ♪
Come on, ladies,
sing along with Hades.
♪ Let me show you
girls Around in my town ♪
♪ New hades ♪
♪ Sure beats livin'
Underground in my town ♪
♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪
♪ I got a penthouse
on Spark Avenue ♪
♪ I'd like you to see ♪
♪ Museums and
parks and works of art ♪
♪ Are, hey, dedicated to me ♪
♪ The shop at doom and
Gloomingdales In my town ♪
♪ In his town ♪
♪ We'll dine tonight ♪
♪ In Togas and tails
in, yeah, my town ♪
♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪
♪ I'm the host ♪
♪ Who loves to toast ♪
♪ Another job well done ♪
♪ In my town ♪
♪ In his town ♪
♪ I'm number one ♪
Not in my book you ain't.
Hey!
♪ I'm honest, I'm mayor ♪
♪ I'm chief of police ♪
♪ Oh ho ho ♪
Yeah.
♪ His town ♪
♪ The hottest spot
in all of Greece ♪
♪ Has a home, what town? ♪
♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪
♪ The Parthenon ♪
♪ The crowning jewel ♪
♪ Could use my flare
for urban renewal ♪
What?
I'm just kidding. I
wouldn't change a thing.
I'm serious... not!
Hot! ♪ His town ♪
♪ Yeah, in my town ♪
Hey, you gotta
love it, don't you?
Keys are with the valet.
Thank you very much. Good night.
♪ His town ♪
Ahh, eager young minds,
the best and brightest
hope for the future.
Time to extinguish that hope.
Hi, kids. Name's Hades.
I'm your new principal.
I'll be instituting a new
educational paradigm
based on the three R's.
Revenge, requital,
and retribution.
You'll love it!
And get this,
there's no homework!
Because you don't
get to go home.
No way, Hades!
Ha ha, way, Herc.
OK, torment time.
Come on, inspiration.
Hit me, baby. Come on.
Hey, this is high school.
Can Hades make it any worse?
Our first victim...
Helen of Troy!
Um, I think I can speak for the
whole student body when I say that...
Excuse me, Helen, right?
Helen, honey, you
should cut down
on the deep-fried feta puffs.
Trust me on this.
I don't eat any junk food.
It wreaks havoc
on my complexion.
No! No!
Not... not feta puffs!
No!
Poor, Helen. The face that
launched a thousand zits. Ha.
All right, who's next?
Adonis... The peppered
Prince of Thrace.
Adonis? Prince
Adonis? You here, babe?
Present.
Ready for your eternal torment?
I have a servant
to serve my eternal
punishment for me.
Oh, really, new wrinkle, babe.
So... you'll spend
eternity serving him!
Yes. And let's start
with the foot massage.
It's so relaxing.
Right in there between
the toes. Come on!
Casandra... Home
greconomics hater.
♪ Wash the floors
and dishes clean ♪
♪ Pit the dates
and do the laundry ♪
♪ Live a happy, snappy life ♪
♪ Bein' a housewife ♪
Oh, he's good.
Icarus... Uh, he's weird.
No! No! Anything but gym!
I hate gym!
Please!
All right.
How about an eternity spent
punching out your best buddy?
Nice, huh?
Come and get me, sissy face.
Hyah, you want a piece of me?
Ooh! Ooh! You swine! Hyah! Hyah!
Teach you to call
my dad useless!
Get up! Get up!
All right, all right.
Time-out. Time-out.
This isn't supposed to be fun.
Hey, this isn't fair.
This isn't the real
Hercules. Ooh!
Oh, no, we have a
slightly different torment
prepared for him. Hee hee.
And finally Hercules... Klutz.
No, please, I can't
do shop class.
You can't do shop class?
Well, guess what.
I know that. Hee.
Hey, don't fret,
Herc, I got you paired
with the best possible
teacher. You'll love it.
Very clever, Hades.
Your punishment is him
and his punishment is you.
Mmm, sweet. Ha ha.
Well, love to stay, but I've got
the orphanage and
nursing home to torment
and then I gotta
do lunch. Ha ha.
Ciao, baby.
I have an assignment for you.
I know, I know,
something simple.
Something even a
klutz like me can handle.
Let's review the lever again.
No. It is a very
special assignment.
You might say it is a
breakout opportunity.
Take your time.
- Escape?
- Yes! Save your school.
Save all of Greece!
And, hero, you will be graded.
Yes, sir! But how?
The school district favors
a standard bell curve. I...
No. I mean how do I escape
the forces of the underworld?
I prepared this war-wagon
for just such an emergency.
Turn the crank.
Power the internal mainspring.
Smash our way out of
this eternal detention!
Wow!
Teacher and student,
we shall be liberated!
97... 98... 99...
Man, how many times do
you have to crank this thing?
Three cranks will suffice.
Uh-oh.
Whoa!
That's gonna affect your grade.
Whoa!
Aah!
Whoa!
All right.
Athena's temple.
She's wise. She can help us.
You and me. Right now!
Ya take back the stuff about dad
or we're going mano-a-mano.
Uh, can we talk about this
after we save Greece
from eternal doom? Please.
It's OK. I'll take a rain check.
Oh, great goddess of wisdom,
we summon your aid.
Uh, Herc?
Actually, I was just
about to summon your aid.
The magic chains are
are courtesy of Hades.
You see, Hercules,
somebody made a foolish deal
to seize control of Athens.
Poseidopolis.
And you trusted the bloomin'
lord of the underworld!
But he's my bro-bro.
We shook on it.
Oh! You, Hercules.
You must reroute the river.
Me? How?
Give him the trident.
Trident? What trident?
Oh, my trident!
Oh, no! No! Never!
He's just a tadpole!
It's either that
or stay chained next
to me for all eternity.
It's behind the tapestry.
Oh, awesome.
Come on, Icarus.
As long as we are captured,
care to play 20 questions?
Uh, I'm thinking of a vegetable.
Rutabaga.
I hate you.
You realize if you didn't
have to save the world,
I'd be kicking
your butt right now.
Yeah, right.
Goddess of the river
Styx, I am Hercules.
Uh, hi.
By the powers of
Poseidon, Lord of the waters,
whose trident
I'm... I'm borrowing.
He said... he said it was OK.
I command you to move.
Strike the trident!
Huh? Oh.
Whoa! Hey! Hey! What's the...
Hail!
Ow! Ow! Come on!
Steam?
No, no, no, wait,
wait, come back!
Ice? Oh!
Divert!
OK, who wants trident?
I do. I do. Ha ha.
Didn't you read the
fine print on this?
For ages immortal and up. Ha ha.
Look at this. Wash his
troubles down the drain.
You're not gettin'
away that easy.
I have a rain check!
Of course, I can't
actually swim.
By the power of the trident,
I declare myself
lord of the waters,
and hereby annex
Poseidon's realm!
I am having way too much fun.
I gotta go gloat. Ha.
Where's Poseidon? Po-Po?
You saved us!
But... but now what?
Without the trident,
I'll have to move a
mountain to divert that river.
It's too heavy.
I can't lift it.
Puh-lease. The
answer's so obvious.
What? What is it?
No, I'm not telling you.
Icarus, I'm sorry
for what I said
about your dad's inventions.
I'm sorry for what I said
about your dad's class.
Does that cover it?
How sorry? Really,
really, really sorry.
Now what is it?
But you don't sound sorry.
Oh, Icarus, come on!
It is sublimely
simple. Say it with me.
The lever!
I have gone through much travail
to see my student in action.
My shop student.
Hey, it's supposed
to be a turtle torment.
Yeah, you just can't walk out.
Proceed, shop student.
Yes, sir!
That's what I like to see.
Fences mended. Bridges built.
And a lever crafted out
of available materials.
Can do!
Ahh, the fulcrum.
There you go,
Buddy. Put 'er down.
What now?
Oh, that's right,
it's the lever.
Oh, and the place to stand.
There you go. Look at this kid!
Sublimely simple.
Oh, yes, that's right.
Make those dishes shine!
That's the way to get a man.
Oh, dear!
Thank you.
Hey, Poseidon, you've
just lost your domain,
your trident, and hey, a battle
of wits with your baby brother.
So, what are you
gonna do next, huh?
Whoops.
OK, a little snag in the, uh,
take-over-the-big-brother's-domain
plan.
So, hey, easy come, easy go.
Bada boom, bada bing.
It's just business, right?
No hard feelings.
Uh, I mean, come on,
blood's thicker than
water, am I right, Po-Po?
Babe, come on, huh, you'd
know this, wouldn't you?
Ooo! Ow! Po-Po!
Watch the hair! Watch the hair!
Once again, Hercules saved
the city-state of Athens
and he passed
shop class... Barely.