Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 41 - Hercules and the Spartan Experience - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Is he bold? ♪
- ♪ No one braver ♪

- ♪ Is he sweet? ♪
- ♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪



- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

- ♪ And the nicest guy ♪
- ♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero ♪
♪ Give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

To me that cloud up there



looks like a hydra

being slain by a brave hero.

Hmm. Interesting.

Ooh. That one
over there looks like

a field of wildflowers

in which me and my
sweet Cassie of the valley

are having a romantic
picnic together.

Ugh. And I'm supposed to be
the one who sees grim visions.

Hercules?

Helen, what's the matter?

It's Adonis. I'm
worried about him.

Welcome to the human race.

Did he pull down your
chiton in gym class, too?

Oh, no, silly.

- He's been out of school for a week.
- Is he sick?

No, no, his servants endure

all his diseases.

I'm afraid something
is really wrong.

Uh, you folks know
where I can find

a, uh, heracles?

Uh, Hercules?

- Oh, yeah. My mistake.
- I'm Hercules.

All right. Beautiful. Sign here.

That's one of Adonis' servants.

"To my bosom buddy Hercules.

Just a note to remind you

how much I value
your friendship."

Oh, isn't that sweet?

What does he want this time?

"You're probably wondering
what I want this time.

It's like this,

Help! You must rush to my aid."

Don't listen.

"Oh, but brave
Hercules, you must listen.

I've been captured by the
Spartan Officer Training Corp."

The Spar-OTC?

They're the elite of the
Spartan military machine.

"The brutes are torturing me.

You're my only hope."

Adonis a prisoner in Sparta?

I've got to rescue him.

Oh, Hercules, thanks.

You're my hero.

Well, Herc will need
a sidekick on this one,

so looks like I'm
off to Sparta, too.

Sparta. Sworn enemy of Athens.

Hotbed of brutality.

City of big shoulders. Come on.

Bon voyage. Don't
drink the water.

"I knew I could count on you."

Please don't put
me back in the box.

They put Adonis in a box?

No, that was from me.

It's dark in there.
I don't like it.

Be on guard, Icarus.

Sparta is the most brutal,

war-mongering
city-state there is.

"Welcome to Sparta.

Now go home." Ho.
You are not kidding.

Now we just have to
get in and find Adonis.

Well, lucky for us,
I brought my wings.

I'll just fly over the wall,

open the gate from inside.

No, wait. We can't
risk being discovered.

This calls for a
sneakier approach.

That might be our chance.

Halt. Who goes there?

Laundry delivery.

It's your uniforms.

We got out almost
all of the blood.

Open the gate.

That's your uniform, my friend.

Wear it with pride.

Icarus, we're
here to find Adonis.

That's no excuse for
looking sloppy, soldier!

Whoa.

Nifty. Step lively, Herc. Aah!

Would you come on?

Potatoes? I could
cook anything with them.

Potato pancakes, potato soup,

potato dumplings,

cheese and potatoes,
raw potatoes, gaul-fried...

Psst. Adonis.

Don't hurt me. Hercules.

Hercules' ferrety little friend.

Thank the gods you've arrived.

I feared the end was near.

Uh, I thought you
were being tortured.

I am. Look at me.

Stripped of my royal robes,

forced to wear a common uniform

and march from one end
of this place to another

for no apparent reason.

Only a small cash payment to him

saved my unblemished hands
from the scars of manual labor.

Baked potatoes, mashed potatoes,

- sweet potato pie...
- Get me out of here.

Well, what about your father?

I mean, he is the
King of Thrace.

Dadums sent me here.

It was something of a surprise.

What?

That's the way it is, son.

In order to become
King of Thrace,

you must pass
Spartan basic training.

Well, surely one of my
servants can go in my place.

Oh, good thinking.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no. No, no.

I did it and so did my dadums.

It's something of
a family tradition.

But traditions are meant to be
broken. Am I right? Am I right?

Not this time.

Aah! No-o-o-o. Dadums! No!

I took the news
bravely at the time,

but this place is
simply intolerable.

Come on, Icarus. We're leaving.

You can't leave me here alone.

The drill sergeant, Agamemnon,

he's out to get me.

Ten-hut. Well, well.

Sergeant, how nice to see you.

- You look swell.
- Silence!

I ordered you to peel
potatoes, maggot.

You will do as I order.

Is that clear?

- What is your major malfunction?
- Admiring your medals, sir!

I long to have my own, sir!

Do I know you, soldier?

Just another faceless recruit giving
110% for the glory of Sparta, sir.

Take a lesson
from this fine recruit,

you pathetic slug.

- Him?
- I mean, of course, sir.

I've got my eye
on you, pretty boy.

See? See?

All right, Adonis, I'll
help you, but not to leave.

If you work hard, I'll help
you pass basic training.

In what way can that
be construed as help?

Give a man a fish, and
he can eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and
he can eat for a lifetime.

Listen up, mealyworms.

Give a hale and hearty welcome

to the founder and
patron of Sparta,

otherwise known
as the God of War.

Let's clap, and
clap hard, for Ares!

You're too kind. Too kind.

Please, please. You're
embarrassing me.

Rrr.

No, really. That's
enough. Enough.

You know, we've got a
saying here at the academy,

the maggots and
mealyworms of today

are the brutal
despots of tomorrow.

Let me tell you a little story.

Long, long ago I
looked upon this land

and saw a savage wilderness,

but I saw something else, too.

I saw the glimmer of a dream,

a dream of senseless
battle, mindless obedience,

and wanton destruction.

I saw Sparta.

♪ One heck of a guy ♪

♪ Benevolent, brave, and bold ♪

♪ Long ago when
Sparta was untamed ♪

♪ Awesome Ares pursued a dream ♪

♪ He moved a mountain range ♪

♪ Plowed down
the purple plains ♪

♪ And straightened out A
wild and wandering stream ♪

♪ When bad Boreas
blew onto the scene ♪

♪ Our leader knew
what must be done ♪

♪ He spun the winning spin ♪

♪ And broke the brutal wind ♪

♪ And kicked Boreas
squarely in the bum ♪

Every year they sing that song.

I hate it.

♪ La la la ♪

I'm not listening.

Oh! I'm howling mad and I'm
not going to take it anymore.

Oh, you got to love that song.

Every time I hear it it makes
me feel like running out

and making war on somebody.

Hey, that's just
what I'm going to do.

Good luck with the rest
of your training, men.

Remember, make war, not love.

You weren't singing, monkey boy.

Thanks to you,
this entire platoon

will do 10 laps
around the Coliseum.

Only 10, sir?

20 seems like a more
fitting punishment, sir.

You heard him, weasels.

20 laps.

Get moving.

- Move it!
- Icarus, what's gotten into you?

The soldiers' life, baby.

I have found my calling.

Yes! Stand up straight.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Left, left...

Aah!

Unh.

Listen up, gerbils.

You survived
another day of training,

but tomorrow is the final phase,

the ultimate test.

In keeping with the Spartan way,

you only graduate
if all of you pass.

If even one fails,

you all fail, and
I got a feeling

one of you isn't
going to make it.

Isn't that right, princy?

Nighty-night.

Did you hear that?

He'll never let me pass.

Kiss my kingdom good-bye.

Oh, you'll pass.

You'll pass or
this whole platoon

is going to kick your royal...

OK. Listen, buck up, Adonis.

Hero rule #27
says to be a winner,

you have to think like a winner.

Oh, stop blowing
sunshine up my chiton.

I don't stand a chance against
Agamemnon. The man is unprincipled.

- He won't even accept a bribe.
- What are you doing?

What does it look
like? Getting out of here

while I still have the chance.

My mama didn't raise
me to be no flunkard.

You're not leaving, maggot.

We'll stay up all night
watching just to make sure.

I got my eye on you.

Oh. Ah, me.

Aah!

- Rise and shine, Adonis.
- Aah!

I can't believe
Adonis ran out on us.

I can.

Me, too.

Let's go find him. He
can't have gone too far.

Don't be so sure.

My wings are gone!

I'm flying! Flying!

Not that I ever
doubted I could. Yikes!

Oh, oh, oh. Going up.

He could be anywhere by now.

Roger wilco on that, good buddy.

I'll have to notify the SMPS.

- The who?
- The Simps. Spartan military police.

Nice bunch of guys. Might even give
Adonis a blindfold for his execution.

Icarus, we're here to
help Adonis, remember?

- Well, I'm here to get a medal.
- Halt.

Going somewhere?

Ah.

I told you this wasn't
the way to the mess hall.

Huh?

No sense of direction.

You're stupid, right?

Ah, come on.

This flying requires
actual effort.

What a time to be
caught without servants.

Whew! Aah! Aah!

Ooh.

Can you believe they still sing
that same stupid song every year?

I mean, let it go already.

Yeah, well, I was just
passing through, Boreas,

and, uh, I've got like a
thousand errands to run,

so, uh, I, uh...

Sit. Always in a hurry.

So tell me,

who does that Ares
think he is anyway?

Arrogant loudmouth.

Babe, look, if the song
bothers you that much,

don't just sit around whining,
do something about it.

That's not a bad idea.

Fabulous. Glad
to help. Got to jet.

I'll show Ares.

He has such fond memories of
building his precious city-state.

He'll get to build another one
after I deliver the fatal blow.

Fatal blow?

Blow. Get it?

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

I love wind humor.

Ah ha ha ha ha.

Aah!

Aah!

The test is going to begin soon
and we can't even look for Adonis.

Well, let's report him to HQ.

For a couple of GIs
working on the QT

we are batting a big fat
zilch looking for the A-W-O-L.

- What did you say?
- I don't know.

I just love talking
like that, though, huh?

Aah!

Ooh.

Hercules, Icarus, I'm alive.

Yeah, and you're
just in time for the test.

Oh, Hercules. Ha ha.

Silly, misguided,
simple-minded Hercules.

Ha ha ha. There isn't
going to be any test.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

You can't buy your
way out of this one,

- Prince Pretty Boy.
- I don't have to.

Boreas, the north wind, is
planning to destroy Sparta,

thereby eliminating any
need for me to exert myself.

Ahh, good fortune.

Oh, my gosh. We
got to warn them.

Hold on.

If Sparta falls, I'm off
the hook. Don't be a hero.

Sorry, I am a hero.

That's why I'm here
helping you, remember?

Then again, maybe you're right.

I'm sure you could always
find a job, right, Icarus?

After his court-martial
here, I seriously doubt it.

Job? If you're trying to joke,

- it's not the least bit funny.
- No joke.

If Sparta is gone, you
can't pass basic training,

and if you don't pass...

Then I can't be
the King of Thrace.

Don't just stand there.

Do something heroic.

Visiting dignitaries,

fellow Spartans, welcome
to the ultimate test.

Keep your eye on my boy Adonis.

He'll be leading the pack.

Don't count on it, Sinarus.

Adonis couldn't fight his
way out of a paper bag.

Why would my boy
be in a paper bag?

What kind of an operation are
you running here, Agamemnon?

Uh, never mind.

And now, our recruits.

Sergeant Agamemnon,

Sparta's in grave danger.

Resume formation, recruit.

But Boreas is planning to attack
Sparta during the ultimate test, sir.

Every year some lazy recruit

tries to back out of the ultimate
test by making up some lame excuse,

but this is the lamest ever.

Now get on that starting line!

- The truth didn't work. Now what?
- I'm thinking.

On your marks, get set...

Whoa!

Ha ha. This is quite an
obstacle, Agamemnon.

What a challenge
for the recruits.

This wasn't my idea, you idiot.

Oh.

Well, kudos to
whomever thought of it.

Job well done.

Hey, watch where you're going.

What's the matter?

A little wind and you
forget how to drive?

- Take that back.
- You going to make me?

You and your hero
ways, Hercules.

Now what?

We land.

Whoa!

Oh, my gosh.

You cut that pretty close, pal.

Yeah, taking your
sweet time, huh?

Spartans.

How long is he
going to keep this up?

I need to pass that test.

Adonis, did you hear what
made Boreas decide to attack?

It's that infernal
Spartan anthem.

He hates it. Who
could blame him?

What? You're kidding.

I find it stirring.

I've got an idea. Get behind me.

Icarus, do you remember
that Spartan anthem?

Every word of it.

Then sing it out.

Aye-aye, baby.

♪ We are the mighty
fighting men Of Sparta ♪

♪ And we fly Our
flag with pride ♪

♪ We're members of a corp ♪

♪ That loves to go to war ♪

♪ And crush, crush,
crush the other side ♪

♪ Let's have a
hearty hip hooray ♪

♪ For Ares ♪

♪ The fearless founding
father Of our fold ♪

♪ We'll follow him do or die ♪

♪ 'Cause he's
one heck of a guy ♪

♪ Benevolent, brave, and bold ♪

♪ Long ago when
Sparta was untamed ♪

♪ Awesome Ares pursued a dream ♪

♪ He moved a mountain range ♪

♪ Plowed down
the purple plains ♪

♪ And straightened out a
wild And wandering stream ♪

♪ When bad Boreas ♪

♪ Blew onto the scene ♪

♪ Our leader knew
what must be done ♪

♪ He spun the winning spin ♪

♪ That broke the brutal wind ♪

♪ And kicked Boreas
Squarely in the bum ♪

Oh! Who's singing that song now?

I'll shut him up
once and for all.

It's working. Here he comes.

That's your plan?

Make certain we're
in harm's way?

We're going to trap him.
Keep singing and follow me.

♪ We are the mighty
fighting men Of Sparta ♪

But I can't go in there.

It's cramped, and dark,

disgusting, and stinky.

Come on, you can do it.

There could be bugs.

Just imagine your
throne is at the other end.

I don't know.

And there's a
commoner sitting on it.

Get off my throne!

♪ ...Of our fold ♪

♪ We'll follow him do or die ♪

Ha. You think you
can hide from Boreas?

Think again.

Eew. Yuck. Gross.

I need a bath. Several
baths, consecutively.

That means one after the other.

Oh, I'll get you.

Wait here.

No problem. Eew.

I'm not falling for any
of your stupid tricks.

Hey, that's not fair.

Now I'm really mad.

Now let me get this straight.

Some newby recruits
beat the old windbag?

Ha ha ha.

Hey, Boreas, you big blowhard,

you lose. Again.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Is that Ares? Let me at him.

Let me at him.

Permission to deport
the prisoner, sir?

Permission granted.

Hey, good arm.

Well, looks like
medals all around.

B-but, wise and
belligerent Ares,

Boreas interrupted
the ultimate test.

We've got to start over.

You kidding? Nobody's
beaten Boreas since me.

These three pass, with honors.

This is the happiest
moment of my life.

Oh, thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.

- Do I know you?
- Well, my father...

'Cause I've got a great
memory for faces, and...

Hey! Your Zeus' kid, Sport.

Actually, sir, the
name is Hercules.

Wait a minute.

You're one of those
eggheads from Athens,

aren't you, Sport?

Well, uh, ha, yeah, but, uh...

Athenians can't join the
Spartan Armed Forces.

And what about you?

Me? Uh, well, uh,

I'll move. Please, let
me keep my medal.

- Give me that.
- No!

Sparta and Thrace
are not enemies.

I, therefore, am rightfully
enrolled in the academy.

But he didn't lift a
finger to stop Boreas.

It would be fair to say that I
served in a supervisory role.

You mean to tell me
that these two commoners

did all your work for you?

Well, yes, technically.

Bravo! Ha ha.

You've got a gift, son.

Leadership. That's
what it's all about.

Outstanding.

Oh, the kid shows promise
and is definitely officer material,

unlike some people I know.

Yeah, but, he... he... Ohh.

Way to go, Adonis.

You're the best.

Come on, Icarus.

- Let's go home.
- Oh, I knew it.

Little guy can't get
ahead in this man's army.

Tell me about it.