Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 4 - Hercules and the Assassin - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪



- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪



♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Athens, birth
place of democracy,

for it was in this
ancient city-state

that citizens came
together to forge their future,

and the leader they chose
was a man named Pericles...

Wise, just, and
beloved, for it was he...

Oh, just spit it out!

I am painting a
picture with words.

Mm-hmm. Well, honey,
let's put your words to music

and make it a masterpiece.

Well, I'm no muse,
but give me a beat.

♪ He's Pericles ♪

♪ Of Athens ♪

♪ A city planner ♪

♪ Beyond belief ♪

♪ The man ♪

♪ Who makes things happen ♪

♪ The top banana ♪

♪ All hail the chief ♪

♪ An icon Of
professional proficiency ♪

♪ He's able to
untangle any jam ♪

♪ A model Of
unparalleled efficiency ♪

♪ If you want to
get things done ♪

♪ Then he's your best main man ♪

Yeah!

♪ He's Pericles, the leader ♪

♪ A man of vision ♪

♪ Beyond compare ♪

♪ All hail Pericles
of Athens, Greece ♪

♪ The big kahuna ♪

♪ Extraordinaire ♪

OK. Next question.

Uh, over here, sir!
Sir, the name's Bartlett.

I'm with the Greekly World News.

Do you have a new
economic policy?

The Athenian economy is booming,

so I say if it's not
broke, why fix it?

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

Folksy. That's
the kind of wisdom

that's gonna be
around for centuries.

Seems to me you shouldn't
switch horses in midstream.

Oh, where does he
come up with these?

I smell a rat.

Bow! Hit the ground!

Ohhh... I feel like I have
one foot in the grave

and the other on a banana peel.

Another good one,
sir. Very folksy.

Prepare to eat bronze, punk.

Minister Cleon.

A bloodthirsty rat is
loose in the building.

A man just went out the window

and escaped on a chariot.

How would you describe him?

Bloodthirsty.

I could see it in
his rat-like eyes.

That's him. Blast
it. He got away.

I will not rest until that
maggot is behind bars.

City-state trouper Chipacles,

you are a credit to the force.

Wow!

Who is she?

That's Tempest.
Handle with care.

W... Wh... What do you mean?

Forget about her.

You're saying I
don't have a shot?

She an Amazon... quick-tempered,
antisocial, and prone to violence.

Do the math, Archimedes.

Well, maybe she's just never met

a hero-in-training before.

No! Ohhh... ohhh!

Oomp!

You ruined my concentration.

Oh, sorry, temptress...
uh, Tempest!

I'm... I'm, uh... I'm Hercules.

Disappointing.

I... pulled it a bit.

You look OK to me.

I... I mean, it looked OK to me.

Such failure is unacceptable
under combat conditions.

I know an Amazon who made
that mistake and paid the price.

Ooh. What happened?

She lost her left buttock.

Ooh. Pays to practice, I guess.

Hey, don't move.
I'll... I'll be right back.

Let's practice together.
I... I've got my junior javelin.

That... Is a child's toy.

No way! T... This
is a training weapon.

You see, I'm... ahem...

I'm a hero-in-training.

Toy. Child.

Allow me.

Oooaouhh!

Know this, hero-in-training...
I am a warrior!

The only way anyone
takes my spear

is point first through
their lifeless torso.

Yeah. Hands off
the spears. Got it.

OK, kid! Target practice time!

Phil... I've been thinking.

That's a child's weapon.

I'm ready for... Spear training.

Whoa, kid. Hero rule number 33,

you gotta crawl
before you can walk.

Babies crawl, Phil. I'm
a... I'm a... I'm a warrior.

Ha ha ha!

OK, sure. Hey, have it your way.

"Warrior" rule number 33...

Stick with the junior javelin.

Oh, d...

Hey. Don't worry, Pegasus.

I'll bring it back as
soon as I'm done.

How was your day, dear?
Did you usurp the government?

No, I did not!

I failed miserably.

Ooh, this could be awkward.

Your, uh, "boss"
popped by for dinner.

Pericles?

Here?

No, silly. Your real boss.

Aah! Ares!

O mighty God of War

and overlord of Sparta...

Honey, bow before Ares!

Oh, I'd love to, but that
mutton isn't going to roast itself.

Oh! Don't forget my favorite,
the stuffed grape leaves.

I've gotta get that
recipe. Anyway. Cleon!

The plan was so
simple. You kill Pericles.

My Spartan army invades Athens.

I appoint you the
new leader of Athens.

Which we agreed to
rename Cleonopolis.

What? I want Athens.

Ares?

Gotta go.

Athena!

Hi, sis!

Were you meddling in
Athenian affairs again?

Please. Give me a break.

Like I care about
your stupid city-state.

Yo! Tempest!

Ha ha... ooh! Ahh!

Ha ha. Ow.

Hmm. Yours?

Well, as a matter of fact...

40 millimeter
Carthaginian bronze tip.

Slices through
cartilage like it's humus.

Nice.

Yeah, and the, uh,
handle is, uh... Wood.

Ooh! I... ahh... Prove yourself.

You... You mean
a... actually throw it?

Just as I thought. Child!

Am not!

Aah!

Children should
stick to their toys.

Ohhh... Any more questions?

Are you planning to cancel
any upcoming activities

in light of the recent
attempt on your life?

If that assassin thinks he can
scare this humble civil servant,

well, let's just say it's not
the size of the dog in the fight,

It's the size of the
fight in the dog.

Ah!

Is that on the record?

Yes, Bartlett. You
can quote me on that.

Spear!

Oh, great. I had
him in my sights.

Bingo.

"Property of Phil's Gym."

Phil.

Phil.

Aah!

Philoctetes!

Rise and shine, Mr. Phil.

Uhh! Wha... You're under arrest.

You got the wrong satyr!

Tell it to the judge, goat man.

What's goin' on? Why
are you arresting Phil?

This lawn-chomping
degenerate's the perp.

- The perp?
- Perpetrator. The assassin.

The scum who
tried to kill Pericles.

You are one deluded flatfoot.

Am I, smart guy?
Maybe I just imagined

that our beloved leader
almost got ventilated with this.

Come on! There must be
thousands of spears like that.

40 millimeter with a little
carthaginian tip chaser?

All right. Hundreds.

"Property of Phil's Gym"?

Hey, that's mine!

Aha! A confession.

This case is wrapping
up nice and neat.

No! I meant...

Wait. You've got it all wrong!

Clam up, junior,
before I run you in

as an accessory to the crime.

You don't understand!

I'm not the accessory!

I'm the perp.

The would-be assassin has
been identified as one Philoctetes,

AKA... "Phil."

I think this mug
shot tells the tale.

Ahh.

Neighbors describe the
suspect as a grass-eating loner.

- Aah!
- Ooh!

Sorry. Only
Mr. Philoctetes' lawyer.

Is permitted to see him.

Ah. Well, the fact of the
matter is, my good man,

that I am
Mr. Philoctetes' lawyer,

and this is my
lovely co-counsel.

Yii!

You're a lawyer?

But of course! I've handled
many high-profile cases,

like, uh...

Your Deluded Mind
VS. The State Of Reality?

Right! Big one!

Landmark!

The appeal is still pending.

You gotta get me outta here.

I'm half wild goat.

We don't do so hot in captivity!

Don't get your fur in a bunch.

Hercules is gonna
straighten out the whole thing.

So the spear just
slipped outta your hands...

Oops... and flies halfway
across the city-state?

Yeah.

My friend, that would
be one magic spear.

Uh, well, actually, it's
more me than the spear.

So you'll drop the
charges against Phil?

And stay out.

You spend far too much
of your time on the ground.

Tempest. What
are you doing here?

I heard about your goat master.

And you feel bad?

I feel nothing!

Warriors have no
use for emotions.

But my code of honor states
that I must set this injustice right.

Where you goin'?

To catch the real assassin.

The hunter shall
become the hunted.

All right! Well, count me in.

All clear.

Be alert for
anything suspicious.

Keep your eyes open.

Yeah. No problem. I...
And your mouth shut!

How am I supposed
to get at Pericles now?

Does this answer your question?

Ooh! What kind of
mileage does this thing get?

Will you just get out there?

Knock 'em dead. And
I mean that... literally!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

And I'd like to point
out, Your Honor,

that the evidence
against my client

is largely circumstantial.

Not bad.

Not yet.

No sign of suspicious activity.

Except for that.

Sniff upholstery, sir.

Go!

I think I've made
my case crystal clear,

Your Honor. Res ipse loquitor.

Habeas corpus.

What is that gibberish?

Latin... the word spoken
on the street, Baby.

Guilty! The goat man
goes back to lockup.

Back... to lockup?

Now it's official.
You're doomed.

They can't pin this rap on me!

Yaahh! Uhh!

Eeeyyyeee! Euuhhh!

Oooohhh!

Eeeyeeee!

Beuuhhhh!

Yaaahhh!

Bluuuhhhh!

- Grrrr!
- OK, as your attorney,

I must advise
against this behavior.

Euhh! Euhh! Euhh!

Eeeyeee eeeyeee! Eeeyeee!

Huh?

Where you goin'?

Shortcut.

- Aah!
- Aah!

C... Comin' through! I'm sorry.

Aah!

Watch this!

You fool! You... ohh!

Stand still while I berate you!

Pericles, sir, that attack
happened while Phil was locked up!

That proves he's innocent.

Hmm. The proof
is in the pudding.

Phil is an upright,
law-abiding citizen.

He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Yaaahhh!

Who wants some of this?

You're goin' down, punk.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Uh... I'm not sure I follow.

Translation...
Execution at dawn.

Philoctetes, you
have been found guilty

of the attempted assassination

of our beloved Pericles.

Icarus and Cassandra,

you have been found
guilty of aiding and abetting

the attempted assassination
of our beloved Pericles.

Any last requests?

Yes. I request the opportunity

to recite a love poem I wrote
for my Sweet Cassandra.

Ahem. I request you
gag him immediately.

Your gallows humor.

So apropos to this moment.

I'm not sure what to
say to such criminals

except if you play with fire,
you're gonna get burned.

Bravo!

Kid!

I knew I should've run you in.

Chipacles, you... you
have to believe me!

Phil isn't the real assassin.

Spare me the fairy tale, punk.

That boy's madder
than a 2-stingered wasp.

What does that even mean?

Careful. You could've
hurt me with that.

Well, that's the idea.

Pericles!

If I were you, I'd be
as nervous as Medusa

in a hall of mirrors.

That one just
doesn't feel timeless.

Ahh, still pulled it a bit.

Great Ares, God of War!

Help me!

Oh, what now?

You're so good at treason,
but so bad at murder.

Cleon?

The real assassin.

OK.

Ooh, nice!

Thank you.

Look, wreak havoc.

That'll be thanks enough.

Tuck and roll, sir.

Cleon, I'm going to have
to ask you to surrender now.

Hmm. Uh, well... No.

Uhh... uhh!

What is so
fascinating that you...

So you are meddling
in Athenian affairs!

Do you mind?

The fight's just getting good.

Hercules!

Uhh! Uhh!

Choose any weapon,
and it shall be yours.

Who's that?

A spear! Be a warrior!

Oh! A pen!

The pen is mightier
than the sword.

Ehh ehh ehh!

Hey! I like that one.

Kid, remember
hero rule number 33!

Right. I'll take...
A junior javelin.

Ho ho! He's got to
be kidding! Ho ho ho!

The kid's makin' this too easy!

Hoo hoo hoo!

Yaahhh!

You missed!

No, I didn't.

Whoa! Oooff! Ohhh... Aah! Ooh!

- Hooray!
- Hooray!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Yes! Athens is number one.

♪ Athens is number one ♪

Oh, put a sock in it.

Ya did it, kid!

This is an Amazon spear.

Only the bravest
warriors may touch it.

Today you've earned that right.

Uh, no, thanks.

I have to crawl
before I can walk.

That's hero rule number 33.

Hey, uh, you want
to get some lunch?

My treat.

I eat only the meat I hunt
and kill with my bare hands.

Yeah.

Well, we can go dutch.