Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 3 - Hercules and the Secret Weapon - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theatre? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪



- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪



♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

The city-state of Athens,

domain of Athena,
goddess of wisdom.

The luminous jewel
of Grecian culture,

home of great architecture,
theater, philosophy,

and the ten-for-a-drachma
pita special.

Everyone loves Athens.

Everyone, that
is, except Sparta...

A vicious haven of hotheads
ruled by Ares, the god of war.

For generations, Sparta and
Athens have been sworn enemies.

The question is, why?

What was it that kept these
two great city-states at odds?

For cryin' out loud.

That's no unsolved
mystery, baby.

Yeah. It's not like it's
the secret of the ages.

It's because Athena
and Ares hate each other.

♪ She's smart as a whip ♪

♪ He's not bad as a Titan ♪

♪ On a rivalry trip ♪

♪ Always fussin' and fightin' ♪

♪ From the time They
were waddlin', toddlin' gods ♪

♪ These quibbling siblings
Were always at odds ♪

♪ They're dueling deities ♪

♪ Dueling deities ♪

♪ She's all over Athens ♪

♪ He's special in Sparta ♪

♪ He's badder in battle ♪

♪ She's wiser and smarter ♪

♪ They're dueling deities ♪

♪ Dueling deities ♪

♪ Shaking down the family tree ♪

♪ He's Ares ♪

♪ She's Athena ♪

♪ They're dueling deities ♪

Could you hurry this up,
Hephaestus? It's hot as Hades in here!

What's going on?
Why are you stopping?

Work, man, work!

Can do.

Oooh. Quit clowning
around, Heph.

I need this firepower!

What about those iron
cudgels I made you?

Oh, well, they
were very... uh...

You know, cudgel-ly!

But I need this weapon
to be the ultimate...

The most ruinous force
the cosmos has ever seen.

I'm talking about
a real hair-curling,

head-bashing,
bone-crunching, manly weapon!

"Manly weapon," you say?

Check... I'm looking for a real

meat-and-potatoes kind
of destruction device here.

Unh-unh-unh. No bolts, Ares.

I make them under
exclusive contract for Zeus.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

But I want something
just as one-of-a-kind.

Something that says,

"Congratulations, you've
just been slaughtered

by Ares, the God of War."

There. It is finished.

Finally, I... Oooh!
Oh! Oh! Aah! Aah!

Careful. It's a bit warm.

Hello. What have we here?

I call it "The Armageddon Bow."

Hmmm. Armageddon?

Kind of an egghead word, but...

Doesn't matter. This feels good.

Where are my Armageddon arrows?

You don't need arrows.

Ha! Get out!

W... W... don't! W... W... Wait!

I like it!

Hephaestus, I have a few dents
I need tapped out of me shield.

Oh. Hello, brother.

Goodbye, sister.

Hyah! Hyah!

He ran out of cudgels?

Heh-heh. It's a secret.

Weapon? Thank you, Hephaestus.

So, my brother has
a secret weapon.

You didn't hear it from me.

Twit.

No comment.

I don't get in the middle
of these family squabbles.

OK, everybody, remember
we're parked in "muse."

A night at the amphitheater.

Ah! What'll it be?
Comedy or tragedy?

Um, three students and
one satyr for "Troy story."

Sorry. That was last week.

Sophocles' Choice.

Zephyrus Gump.

Acropolis Now! Acropolis Now!

Uh, OK, um,
Acropolis Now please.

Phil says, "Jump,"
Herc says, "How high?"

He's just a tool of the goatman.

Hey, I'm a hero in training.
I have to listen to my coach.

That's right, kid.

Hero rule number 2-2-6,
a hero does what he's told.

But Herc is also a teenager.

And teen rule number one

is never do anything
that you're told!

Um, could you hurry?
We're missing the show.

No, we're not. The
show's out here!

Icarus? Cassandra?

Uh, Phil, what's going on?

Olympus calling.

It is I, Athena,
goddess of wisdom.

Wow! What play are you going to?

That's not why I'm here.

He knew that! Careful, kid.

Athena is not one
of the fun gods.

Oh! Hercules!

Look at how you've sprouted up!

It seems like only yesterday
you were just a divine little tot.

Yeah.

Time flies when
you're half mortal.

Hmmm. Maybe she just
gets a bad rap in the press.

Philoctetes.
Pleased to meet you.

You will not speak
unless spoken to.

- Check.
- Hercules, I have chosen you.

Chosen? Really?

Whoa. Sacrifice or mission?

It is a mission. And
not another word!

- OK! OK! I... I was just...
- Zip it.

Hercules, I know of your
quest to become a hero.

You... You do?

Oh, yes.

And helping me will help you.

Oh! You got it! Oh, I mean, uh,

wise Athena, I
await your bidding.

His attitude, I like.

My brother, Ares,

has had Hephaestus
forge a secret weapon.

If I know Ares... and I do...

He's taking it to the Spartans.

You, Hercules,
must infiltrate Sparta

and destroy the secret weapon.

Whoa! Going behind
the olive curtain?

He's still pretty green!

This is why you,
Philoctetes, shall go with.

Oy. I should have
kept it zipped.

Hey! Where you going?

Hero stuff. Hush-hush.

Uh, what Phil said.

Tool of the goatman.

Exchange, give me
Sophocles' Choice,

and Zephyrus Gump
for the lump here.

- Synchronize sundials.
- Night.

Check.

Rendezvous at 0500.

OK, rookie. Just like
we rehearsed. Hit it!

Nice dismount.

Work on the landing.

Now all we have to do
is find the secret weapon.

Like that's gonna be easy.

We don't even know
where to start looking!

How about that over there?

- Shh!
- Shh!

- Shh!
- Shh!

- Shh!
- Shh!

- Shh!
- Shh!

- Shh!
- Shh!

Spartans, why don't
they just carry a big sign

that says "secret weapon"?

OK. Plan Alpha.
Here's what we do.

We go...

Are you sure that'll work?

Hey! Hero rule number 2-2-6?

Right. Right. You're
the coach, coach.

Well said.

- Shh!
- Shh!

Whoa!

Aah!

OK. On to plan Beta.

Aaaaaah!

Plan Gamma.

Aaaah!

OK, plan Delta. Go! Go!

Aaaah!

Stop.

Try plan pi.

Up! Up!

Down... Oy.

Plan Sigma.

Watch out for that... tree!

Come on, plan Omega!

Yow!

Oy. We're out of time,
and, I'm out of alphabet, kid.

Kid?

Kid! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Time out!

A rookie can't
call his own plays!

Excuse me, sirs?

I'm going to have to
ask you to surrender now.

All that training... Pfft!

Stee-rike!

Whoa! Whoa! Wh-o-o-o-oa!

Ah-ha-ha! Yes! Yes!

Huh?

Whaa!

Wh-o-o-o-o-oa!

Uh... oops.

Sorry, Phil.

The box!

Greetings, my Spartans.

It is I, Ares, your god of
war, your commander in chief,

your... What?

Who's responsible
for this carnage?

Uh-oh.

I haven't seen mayhem like this

since the
Peloponnesian conflict.

And you did all of this
just to get at this box?

Yes, Ares. It was my duty.

Hey! The high laundress
got out those bloodstains!

That's your laundry?

Anybody who kicks
butt on a whole battalion

just to carry my laundry
is a-OK in my book.

Ugh!

Wait! Wait! Herc!

Ooh!

So, uh, you were
really impressed, huh?

'Cause... I'm... I'm training
to be, you know, uh...

You're a natural-born warrior,

just like me... strong, sweaty,

scant control of your
own mighty paws.

I... I'm working on that.

But you're just a newbie.

Yeah.

Still angling for that big break

that's gonna send you
to the top of the hot list.

- Yes!
- Well, today's your lucky day.

- Now what's your name, sport?
- I'm Herc...

Herc? Dumb name.

You're now "Sport...
envoy of Ares."

Here. Had Hephaestus
whip this up.

Handsome, eh?

It's the Armageddon Bow,
rubble maker of the gods.

Go ahead. Give it a try, sport.

Oh, wow, but I... I
don't have any arrows.

Did I say you needed arrows?

Look, you see that target
range on the other side of town?

Uh... mmmm... Oh, yeah!

Hit the middle one.

Hey!

Oooh!

Aaah!

Whoa.

I said the middle target!
What's the matter with you?

You're fired!

I am?

Nah. I'm just kidding.
You're the tops.

I am?

Come with me.
You're officially chosen.

- I am?
- You wanna be a hero, don't you?

I know that look, sport.
Don't try to kid me.

Oww! I mean, yeah!

Because there's
nothing like a war hero.

They'll write epic
poems about you,

build gigantic monuments.

I'm telling you,
sport... it's the stuff.

Oy.

Wait here, sport,
while I change into my

"destroy Athens" armor.

Athens?

Yeah. That bow will turn
Athens into a vacant lot.

My know-it-all sister's
gonna be so peeved,

she'll bust!

- But...
- No buts, sport.

- Yes, sir!
- That's what I like best about you, boy.

You follow orders.

You're perfect for this mission!

Oooh.

Kid! What are you doing?

I'm trying to sort
out the particulars.

Ares gave me a
special mission, too.

Perfecto! This'll look
great on a resume,

any luck on the
"secret weapon" front?

I got it right here.

Outstanding! A sweep!

Ares told me to
destroy Athens with it.

Oh, ugh.

What do I do? I... I've
been chosen by two gods.

I can't obey them both!

Let me think. Let
me think. OK, I got it.

First you destroy Athens,
and then destroy the bow.

- Phil!
- What am I thinkin'?

Of course you can't destroy
Athens. They'd kick you out of school.

And he can't destroy the bow.

Why not?

I didn't say anything.

Kid, uh, could you
just move your fingers?

I... I can't see!

Aaah!

Ooh!

Ow! Don't do that!

Uh, oh, I'm sorry, sir...
Thing... ma'am... oh!

No, my fault... laying
waste everything in sight

isn't probably the best
way to make friends.

I... I... I... I probably
deserve to be destroyed.

OK, make it quick, OK?

A good, solid snap should do it.

What do I do, Phil?
I can't destroy it...

I mean, her. She talks!

I never wanted to be a
weapon of war. I hate war!

Famine, pestilence,
and death, too...

All the horsemen,
especially death.

What would war be
without death? Sports!

Pestilence would
be widespread ickies.

And famine would be
just really slow service...

Slow service and small portions,

like those mushrooms
stuffed with crab,

but there's only one per
person and one left over

that you have to
split three ways,

but you just end up mushing it,

'cause mushroom
doesn't really cut that well.

Break the bow, Herc!

I can't. What am I gonna do?

Herc, honey, you're caught
between a rock and a hard place.

♪ You followed your orders ♪

♪ Now what do you do? ♪

♪ They're gonna make A
hero sandwich outta you ♪

♪ You're stuck in a
pickle Caught in a jam ♪

♪ Gotta make up your own mind ♪

♪ And stick to your plan ♪

- Well?
- I don't know.

Boy, what I wouldn't give for
a good omen right about now.

An augur from the gods.

What do you think,
sport? It's my stealth armor.

Nice, huh?

Oh, Herc, Herc, Herc!

I have been looking
all over for you.

Cassandra had a vision that
your cover's gonna be blown,

and that Ares... Just a minute, hon.
- Icarus. Icarus.

Ares will find out that
you're really a spy for Athena.

Sport? A spy?

A spy for Athena!

I'll show you how
we treat spies!

So this is how they
treat spies in Sparta.

Weird, huh?

Ha! Well, color me unimpressed.

Execution at dawn
is pretty unoriginal.

They seem to have
found a new wrinkle.

Pull!

Ah, the old man's still frosty.

OK, boys. Load up a live one.

Don't worry, Pegasus.

We're not through yet!

Soon... but not yet.

This'll be fun...
sending you to Hades

with the same weapon
you tried to steal.

Ha! That's irony!

Actually, that's poetic justice.

Irony is the difference between
what is expected to happen

and what actually happens.

It doesn't provide the emotional
closure you're talking about.

What? You... it... My
secret weapon talks...

Like a girl!

OK. Everybody's on
the same page now.

Question is... why did I
have to be a talking bow?

I should have been
a talking zither.

I could have zithered
till the cows come home.

Hephaestus!

Girl bow.

I kill myself.

All right, bow. Lock and load.

That won't hit him. Aim a little
higher. No, lower. More sideways.

O... Other way, other way. Bet
you can't do it with your eyes...

Less talk, more shoot.

Ow!

Just watch the hands, buster.

I would like to terminate
some prisoners here.

I'm told, but I'm not sold.

Would you... Pull!

Aaaaaah!

Huh?

Flap, man! Flap!

Yeah, that'll work.

Wow! Is this what
it's like to fly, Icarus?

Aaaaah!

Yeah, that was pretty much
it. Course, I got more sun.

Oh, I love a hard target.

And, sport, you
don't disappoint.

Kid!

My temple! I blasted
my own temple!

See? Now, that's irony.

Huh?

Uhh!

How'd I do, coach?

Beautiful dismount.
The landing's still... eeeh.

Ugh. That's my bow, sport!

I command you to hand it over!

Fear not, young hero!

You have done well.

And now I shall lay waste
to my brother's city-state.

You and what army?

Some pack of chess-playing
Athenian eggheads? Ha!

Actually, I plan to use
the Armageddon Bow.

No can do. That's
my secret weapon.

Possession is 9/10 of the law.

And my minion possesses it.

He was my minion, too.

You tried to execute him!

Hey! I've got a different
management style!

Well, he was my minion first!

Minion... give me the bow.

Come on, sport. Give me the bow.

Who are you gonna
listen to? The god of war

or the goddess of wisdom?

At least my followers don't
have shot put for brains.

Reading-club geek.

War-mongering moron!

Owl lover!

Poopy head!

Huh?

I am through doing everything
anyone tells me to do!

That's what's got
me into this mess!

I've got the bow.
I'm calling the shots.

I'll decide who gets it!

Whoa, there, sport.

Of course you'll decide!

Just put the bow... down.

Perfect! It's that
poetic-justice thing again.

- Ow!
- Yow!

Aah!

Smartly done, Hercules.

I meant for him to do that.

You did not!
You're alway... wait.

Hercules? That's... He's...

Sport is Zeus' little boy?

I was gonna execute Zeus' kid?

Mm-hmm.

Hero rule number one...
A hero thinks for himself.

Too right, kid.

Wait... That's not
hero rule number one.

It is now, Phil. It is now.

Oh, good. Oh, this is...

Hurry, honey, now get me out of
this. My nose is driving me crazy.

It itches, it itches, it itches.