Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 36 - Hercules and the King for a Day - full transcript

♪ Who put the
glad in gladiator ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theatre? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor Hercules ♪

♪ What a guy ♪

♪ Ask his friends ♪

♪ Honey they won't lie ♪



♪ Oh Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one a zero zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit
till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪



Wait and see.

No, no, no. I won't go.

I won't. I can't.

Please, no. You can't make me.

You have to go.
This is important.

I can't face that
monster. I can't!

Come on! You faced worse!

That's where
you're wrong, rookie.

This one sucks
the life out of me!

Aw, Phil, come on.

Be a half-man about this.

Half, no!

I won't take "Half,
no" for an answer.

It can't be that bad, Phil.

I mean, she's your mother.

Nooooooooooooo!

At least you're
allowed to visit.

I can't even get past the front
gate of my mom and dad's place.

You're lucky, really.

You're lucky to have
parents behind bars.

The chamber of horrors!

Would you stop?

Ugh.

Late as usual.

Hi, Ma.

Oh, let me look
at you, Philly Goat.

Philly Goat?

Yeah, yeah.

Have you been
eating your greens?

You're bloating.

Aw, come on, Ma!
I'm a big boy now.

Oh, well, you were always husky.

Here...

this will cover the fare and
a little something for you.

Ma, he's not a cabby.

He's Hercules.
The son of Zeus...

My hero in training.

Nice to meet you Mrs...

You can call me Cacophony.

Be a darling, Hercules.

Close the door behind
you. There's a draft.

Ow!

So, why haven't you written?

I guess Mr. Big-shot
coach is too busy

to scribble a few words
to his old, forgotten mother.

Ma, I've been busy! Come on.

Training heroes is a big job.

Your brother Saul always writes.

So busy selling
sandals door-to-door,

but he sends me a scroll a week.

Did you hear he's been promoted

to Aegean Regional
Sales Manager?

He's a retail juggernaut!

Hey! Who's this?

Oh, that's my Philly Goat
when he was just a kid

training the next-door
neighbor to fend off a bully.

Even then I had
coaching in my blood.

And blood all over the house.

Here they are an hour later.

Hmm... didn't work out.

Who's that?

Oh, that's my other
baby, Saulmenaus.

Oh, that kid had goals!

Did I tell you Saul was
named sale Satyr of the year?

Philly Goat, why don't you
show him around Satyville?

And I'll start dinner.

Do me a favor, kid.

Use your demigod strength to
squash my head like a melon.

- Phil!
- You're right. It'll stain her porch.

She'll kill me.

I think you're
overreacting, Phil.

I mean, your mom loves
you... in her own special way.

Loves me?! She
thinks I'm worthless!

I'd give anything if
she'd be as proud of me

as she is of my brother.

Why wouldn't she be? You're
Philoctetes... Trainer of heroes!

Pbht! Like who?
Achilles, Perseus?

I'm the trainer of
losers. No offense, kid.

Pride starts with you.

It starts with a "p."

What do they teach
you in that school?

All I ever hear is
Saul this and Saul that.

Why can't she talk
about me for once?

Well, at least you
can talk to her.

When I want a face
to face with my folks,

I have to speak to statues.

Wow! Would you look at that?

"Coming soon,
The Temple of Pan."

But I thought only
Gods get temples.

Hey, he's Pan... Pan da man!

I bet his mother
is proud of him.

I have the results
of this year's audit.

I'm afraid offerings
and sacrifices to you

are way down, Demeter.

Oh, Nemesis,
that can't be right.

After the bountiful
harvest I sent this year?

Did you know that gourds
are high in riboflavin?

I figured something this ugly
should at least be good for you.

Yeah. According to the
Infernal Retribution Service,

Idomeneus of Crete offered
some okra out of season.

Of course, this incident
will be answered

with the proper smiting.

Oh, oh, please. Over okra?

Smiting seems a bit harsh.

Okra really wasn't the best
veggie I ever came up with...

No taste, yuh! Too slimy.

What was I thinking?! I
must've been out of my head!

Fine. Another vote for leniency.

Okay, how about
Sanctimonious of Smyrna?

His pitiful tribute to you...

A burnt offering
of rotten potatoes.

Sanctimonious, Sanctimonious.
Oh! The hash-brown guy!

They were rotten?

This mortal has a smite wish.

Would you be a dear?

You don't have to smite him.

I'll just send a few
warning locusts.

Ugh! Fine.

Aha. This is a smitable offense.

King Pan of Satyville

hasn't made an
offering to you all year.

Well, that's not so bad.

And he hasn't visited your
temple in months because...

he's too busy
building one to himself.

- Excuse me?
- It seems that he's taken credit

for all the Satyrs' good fortune...
Including the bountiful harvest.

Ohh.

Apparently, the
King of the Satyrs

wants his people to worship him.

Feeling like a wrathful God yet?

I'm getting there.

Pan! Pan! You da man!

I accept your glory!
Same time tomorrow.

- Aah!
- Maybe... maybe not.

Oh! Oh! Demeter!
Your Goddessness!

Uh... you're
looking crisp today!

How is my favorite earth mother?

Feeling a little soiled.

Is it true you haven't made
any offerings to me this year?

Oh, I would've, really, really.

But you don't know
what happened.

The harvest was
really bad this year...

Tomatoes the size of chickpeas.

Oh, get out of here.

I sent the best harvest ever.

Oh, oh! This year!

This... y-you said, "this
year," right, right, right.

Well, there was this
marauding band of vegetarians.

They wiped us out.

Ha ha. It looks to me
like they left plenty.

And what's this I hear
about a Temple of Pan?

Uh... what temple?

That one!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no. No, that's not a temple.

See, that's a... it's
a... It's a fast-food joint.

See, uh, Pan pizza.

You should try some... terrific!

Don't you lie to
me, grass stain!

"Praise Pan from
whom all blessings flow"?

Did you write that?!

Ugh. I am so angry,
I'm slipping into fall!

You have got till the
harvest-moon festival

to pay up your back offerings
or you are taking a fall!

Yo, come here, come here.

Now listen to me. We got
to turn over every offering.

We can lay our hands on.

Well, the treasury is
bare, your goatishness.

We ate a lot of grass

at the ground-breaking
for your temple.

Hey, hey! It's not
a temple, all right?

How many times I gotta tell you?

It's a restaurant!

He don't know what he's
talking about. He didn't mean that.

Do you know what it's
like to be second best

to a sandals salesman?

Why would Ma be prouder of a
son who makes his living saying,

"Yeah, I have that
size in brown, too."

Maybe you could beseech Athena,
Goddess of Wisdom, for advice.

You know what? You
could talk to my dad.

Say! You may be
on to something, kid!

I'll ask King Pan.

But he's not a God.

He thinks he is. And he's local!

But...

King Pan!

Name's Philoctetes.
Call me "Phil."

Can't you see the king is busy?

I'm in a jam!

How can I get my
mother to show respect?

Everybody respects you.
I thought you might know.

Uh, sir?

I just might be able to help.

- You know, Bill...
- That's Phil.

Whatever. I gotta be out of
town for the harvest-moon festival,

and I need somebody
to take my place.

You know, oversee the
rituals, take care of the offerings,

deal with any crises
that, uh, might come up.

I crown you Temporary
King of the Satyrs.

That ought to impress your mom.

Problem solved!

My problem. Heh heh heh heh.

Sheep are not dependents.

No receipts, no beseech.

You can't depreciate
your chariot!

Sorry, your ski vacation
at Mount Parnassus

is not deductible.

Apples?

What kind of offering is
this for the God of War?!

I'm a red-meat type of God.

This is the type of garbage
Demeter would want!

Oh, sorry, Demeter.
Didn't see you there.

Snack?

So... when can you
take out the bum?

I'll be in that area
next Tuesday.

Fine! Just make
sure it's agonizing.

Oh, Nemesis, you were so
right about the King of the Satyrs.

If he hasn't made an offering
to me by the harvest moon,

waste him!

Ooh, you're in luck.

The harvest moon's
tomorrow night.

And I have an opening.

"Harvest moon...
Smite King of Satyrs."

Ahhh.

Philoctetes...
King of the Satyrs.

Ooh-hoo!

I'm sittin' pretty now.

Pan! You da man!

Aw, you guys are the
best. Aw, come on, come on!

You guys... you give good glory.

But even a king
needs some downtime.

So, Phil, here, he's
gonna be the king for, oh...

about a day and a half.

See you after the
harvest-moon festival!

Run.

Phil! Phil!

You da new man!

Huh, he sure seems in a hurry.

There's something
fishy about this, Phil.

That's King Phil now.

Ohh, excusez-moi, King Phil.

And I dub you the
royal bodyguard.

Well, you're gonna
need one, your highness,

because you're late
for your mom's dinner.

Yikes! I totally forgot!

Get the sedan chair!

Sorry, I'm late, Ma.

I was busy becoming King.

Hmm, that's nice.

Nice? Ma, I'm the king!

That's no excuse for
being late for dinner.

Even on the day
your brother Saul

got the golden-insole award,
he was at the table on time.

What have I got to do to
prove myself to that woman?

Oh, come on. Cheer up, Phil.

She'll come around.

The harvest-moon festival
has got to impress her.

Man, oh, man...
Fescue fricassee.

Mmm, delish.

Mmm.

What a party!

And it's all for me.

- Do me a favor, Herc, and go get Ma.
- Sure, Phil.

She's gonna be proud
of me tonight if it kills me.

Saul never had a party in
his honor like this, huh, Ma?

Being king sure beats being
Aegean regional sales manager.

Oh, really? Do you get benefits?

- Benefits?!
- Health insurance, a pension.

You know, perks!

I-I-I don't know. I didn't ask.

Saul always asks.

You got to look out
for yourself in this world

if you want to get ahead.

I'm the king!

How much more ahead can I get?!

Never settle.

Where would your brother
Saul be if he didn't have goals?

Still a stock goat

at Discount Draco
the Sandal Vandal.

Now move!! The
floor show is starting!

Mother of Zeus!

I'm coming apart!

Shush!

Your grateful subjects are
ready to present you with gifts,

Oh, King.

You hear that, Ma? Presents!

Did I tell you Saul got a
granite gorgon paperweight

when they made him
sale Satyr of the year.

It's not the gift that
counts, it's the thought!

And all these guys have
been thinking about me!

Hey! No cuts!

I'm sure I could arrange one.

Heh, heh. A-after you!

Nobody ever gave
Saul tribute like this.

Melon makes me gassy.

Ooh, a sword! Can't
have too many of those!

Thanks, Toots.

Hey, what's the big idea?

I seek the King of the Satyrs.

Well, you found him, sister.

And as the head honcho,
big cheese, and top goat,

I decree that you stop
spooking my loyal subjects.

Bow down, arrogant offender!

I, Nemesis, demigoddess
of vengeance,

will now smite the
wicked King of the Satyrs.

Smite?

Me?! What are you talking about?

You stand accused of hubris.

Hubris? No, really, what
are you talking about?

It means you've gotten
too big for your fur pants.

So I overdid it
a little tonight...

A brisk jog, a few
sit-ups, I'll work off the flab.

Don't worry. I'll cut
you down to size.

That's slick how you do that
weapon thing with your hands.

A little close to
my skull, though.

Quiet, Demeter defier!

What made you think you could
get away with acting like a God?

I'm a Demigoddess, and
even I don't get my own temple.

I time share!

Oh, no, no! You
got this all wrong!

I-I've only been king for a day!

Prepare for early retirement.

She's a Demigoddess, Phil.
You need the help of a Demigod.

Wait! I can't back
down in front of Ma!

She'd never let me live it down.

Aah!

Whoa! Watch it! I don't
get health insurance!

Are you gonna let
her treat you that way?

You're a king, act like one!

Your brother would.

You're right, Ma. I am king.

I have an entire
army at my disposal.

Behold my mighty legion!

Ooh! Ah!

Eh! Ow!

Ha ha ha. Is that
the best you can do?

Aah!

Heh heh... draftees.

Prepare to be smitten!

All right, my mom is watching,

so I'm not fleeing,
I'm coaching. Got it?

Nod like I said
something useful.

Okay. Uh... - Phil?
- Yeah, kid?

Start coaching.

Aaaah!

So this is your
hotshot trainee, Philly?

Aaaaaah!

L-look, lady, y-you
got the wrong guy.

Sorry. The kid got in the way.

I mean me!

Now bow down!

Do what Saul would do!

I don't have anything
in a size 9, ma!

Nemesis, you seem like a
reasonable Demigoddess.

Eh!

Aah!

Won't you stand still and
take your smiting like a man?

I'm only half a man! Can
you give me half a smiting?

I haven't had a campout since
my days in the satyr scouts.

Aaaaaaaaah!

Huh?

Aaaaaaaaah!

Wow, you don't see
stuff like that in the city.

Aaaaaaah!

Thanks, Pegasus.

We gotta get back to Phil!

Huh?

Pegasus, take it down.

Oh, whoa! What's the big
idea? Do you know who I am?

Yeah, the jerk who set Phil up.

Hey, who... who you calling a jerk?
Let me tell you something, all right?

If Phil can't handle
being the king,

it's not my fault.

Well, let's just see what
Nemesis has to say about that.

I am on a very
tight schedule here.

Owwww!

Say goodbye to your
crown and your head!

Don't touch that Satyr, Nemesis!

Ugh! You again?

Can I just do my job
and get out of here?!

Here's the real
King of the Satyrs!

Oh, nice try, but he's wearing
the crown. He loses his head.

Ugh!

But Phil's innocent!

I don't care.

I have my orders from Demeter.

There's gotta be a
mistake. Demeter!

Beseeching Demeter!

This had better be good.

I was about to have
my head fertilized.

Per your orders,

this grass-grazing runt is
bound for the underworld!

Oh, Nemesis, not that
grass-grazing runt...

That grass-grazing runt!

He's the King of
the Satyrs! Get real!

Fine. Great.

I'd really like to
punish somebody here,

so this night isn't a
total waste of my time!

How about c-community service?

Oh, maybe you could
pay back offerings.

What? Sure, sure,
yeah. Whatever it takes.

Hold it. Hold it. All
right, Pan. This is it.

Your one and only
chance to survive this mess.

Fill this with all the gifts you
got at the harvest-moon festival

and maybe... I won't
have you smitten.

My tribute?

If you don't like the deal,

maybe Nemesis will
cut you a better one.

Uh... bring on the gifts.

Oh, not enough. Not enough!

Pan's mine!

Wait a second.

We have one more offering.

Let's call this a promise

that the new temple will
be dedicated to Demeter.

What?! No smiting?!

Oh, some days I shouldn't
even sharpen my arms!

Philoctetes...
Trainer of heroes.

You are a clever old goat.

Thanks.

- Hercules?
- Yes, ma'am?

Oh, you stick with this guy.

You will be a hero in no time.

Yes, ma'am.

- Bill?
- That's Phil.

Whatever. I owe you one.

I think you owe
me two or three...

My Liege.

Oh, Philly! Do you have a
moment for your mother?

Okay, okay, Ma.

Now you know the truth.
I was never really king.

I was just trying
to make you proud.

Philoctetes, I
have always said...

Saul!

Yeah, that's what
she's always said.

Look, Philly, your
brother Saul is home.

Ohh! What did I
do to deserve this?

I made a surprise for you boys.

Pasture potpie!

I'll be right back
with the grape juice.

Hey, I hear your boy, Herc,
is one great hero-in-training.

A real contender.

Oh, he is. Where'd
you hear that?

The Greekly World News?

No, Ma told me.

And told me and told me.

She never shuts up
about you and your work.

Philoctetes this,
Philoctetes that.

What do you mean? She never shuts
up about you and your sandal sales.

You're pulling my hoof! Really?

You hear that, Herc?
She's proud of me!

She's really proud of me!

Of course, I'm proud of you.

I'm your mother. I'm
proud of both of you.

But how would we know?

Yeah, you never tell us.

Well, it's because you
boys are always bragging

about yourselves.

So when one of you starts in,
I start talking about the other.

Keeps you humble.

I don't want you
to get big heads.

You already have big horns.

Which, incidentally, they
get from their father's side.

Now, dig in, kids,

before the pasture
potpies get cold.

Uh... got any ketchup?

I'll forget I ever heard that.

And don't worry. I know
you're a growing boy.

I have seconds for
you in the kitchen.

So, did you hear
about your sister?

Her pottery business is
shooting through the roof!

Hercules, eat! Eat!

What kind of hero doesn't eat?!