Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 33 - Hercules and the Son of Poseidon - full transcript

♪ Who put the
glad in gladiator ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theatre ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor Hercules ♪

♪ What a guy ♪

♪ Ask his friends ♪

♪ Honey they won't lie ♪



♪ Oh Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one a zero zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit
till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪



Wait and see.

Okay, so then the crowd
will be all like, "Ah! A monster!

Somebody save that D.I.D.!"

That's "Damsel in Distress."

I whip out my sword,

strike a few
heroic poses, and...

Oh, sorry, Ajax.

Anyway, so our float's
theme is the hero's quest,

and we'll rule the
homecoming parade totally,

especially when the judges
see me plug up the fake volcano.

Oh. Oops.

By the salt of the sea,
you call yourself a serpent?!

Ha ha! You'll have to do better

if you want to lock
fins with Poseidon,

God of the Sea!

Ugh!

Uh! Ah! Ugh!

Dad, can we talk?

Not right now,
Triton. I'm a little busy.

Now, hand me that
swordfish, will you?

Come on, Dad. This is important.

Remember what we talked about?

Sawfish!

You said you'd think
about it. Did you? Did you?

Did you think about it?

Come on!

Ahhh!

What's the point?
You never... Trident!

Hear a word I say.

Ohhh! Barnacles!

I said my trident, boy!

Hand me my trident!

Ha ha! You chicken of the sea!

Okay. I thought about it,

but are you sure it's
what you really want?

Well, yeah.

Then move your
fins and let's go!

Yes!

Well, at least you won't have
to mop the decks for a while.

Whoa!

Need a hand?

Uncle Po-po?

Hi, Hercules. Remember me?

Your cousin Triton. Remember?

Triton. Cousin
Triton. Ring a bell?

Uh, yeah, hi.

Triton, Triton, Triton. T-r-i...

Right. Got it. Got
it. Triton. Yeah.

Well, a school of fish isn't
good enough for your cousin.

No. He wants to go to
landlubbers' school with you.

With me? At Prometheus Academy?

Pro-ac rules! Sparta drools!

Go, Eagles!

I am so ready for this.

Ugh! Okay. Great.

Then it's settled. Off you go.

Make a splash,
boy! Make me proud!

Ha ha!

So, which is scarier... The
dragon head or the cyclops head?

I'd have to go with the
hideous monster head

you're wearing now.

You kill me!

I just love that bone-dry
sense of humor!

No, you got me! I'm
busting a gut here!

If only that were true.

Well, I guess I'll just leave
the big decision to Herc.

Monsters are his department.

Whoa.

I just had a vision
that washing my hair

was a complete waste of time.

Welcome to Prometheus Academy!

Rrraarr raarra rraraarr!

Herc-man!

You're just in time
to help finish our float!

Sorry, Icarus. I have to show
my cousin around the campus.

Triton, this is...
Cassandra. I know.

Okay.

I know everything
about my cousin.

- You do?
- And you're the flew-too-

close-to-the-sun guy, right?

That's Icarus, also known
as Herc's best buddy!

Yeah, well, good for you.

I'm family.

Isn't my cousin
just the greatest?

And I'm gonna
be just like him...

except for the scales
and the fins and the gills.

I breathe with gills. See?

Gum?

Cute kid. Seems
kind of smart, too.

And so this is our volcano float

for tomorrow's
homecoming parade.

Say, this gum is...
What, spearmint?

No, pickled herring... my fave.

That's pretty good.

Come on, coz, let me
introduce you around.

That's Adonis, Prince of Thrace.

Wow. What a big head.

Yeah. Big float, too.

Ah, what a visage.

What better way to celebrate
the joy of homecoming

than with the joy of me?

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got petunias
growing out of my nose.

Someone, some help,
please. Let's prune, people.

This costume is way too tight.

Could someone give me a hand?

Right here!

No problem!

Uh-oh.

M.I.D.!

- M.I.D.?
- Mermaid in distress!

Oh. No, no, Triton, wait!

Look what you've done to her.

Demons! You demons!

Oh. Ohhh.

Let me out! Someone, help!

Hercules.

A mermaid with legs.

Mm. Yeah. I've heard
stories about your type.

Mmm. Lobster.

He's eating my float.

We were just leaving.

Gum?

No, Triton.

Okay. This is our cafetorium...
Bad food in large quantities.

And over here,
we have... Triton?

Triton! What are you doing?!

A little trick a
dolphin taught me.

You talk to dolphins?

Can't shut 'em up.

Yuuhh. Fish sticks again?

Fish sticks? Oh,
come to mama, baby.

Yeah, my fave.

Triton, wait! You still
got... Whooooaaa!

Whoooa!

Bowls on your head.

Mmm. Mmm.

Tasty, but can't beat
a nice steamy bowl

of mashed codfish and kelp.

Uh, yeah, I'll take
your word for it.

Ah, fish sticks.

You know, Iccy,
fish is brain food,

so salad should be
enough for you, hmm?

Adonis just never learns.

Don't worry. I'll
take care of that jerk.

Ooh.

Now that I'm eating healthier,

I've really got to cut all
this butter out of my diet.

Adonis, give back
that... Whooooa!

Yaaahhh!

Whoa!

It's okay, Triton! I've got...

You.

Mmm. Clam sauce.

That was the hero
thing to do, right?

I mean, I felt very
Herc-ish there.

That was what you
would have done, right?

Yep. Yeah.

Pretty much.

Triton! You don't swim in those.

Then what good are they?

Look, why don't
you just towel off?

I'll meet you
back at the floats.

Okay.

And remember, no... Cannonball!

Diving.

All right and cue the hero.

Uh. Ow.

In the event of an
actual hero situation,

you won't do that, right?

I'm sorry. I was
thinking about my cousin.

And how I haven't
seen him for a while!

I don't even want to
know how this happened.

I guess oafish
runs in the family.

Maybe that's what
he is... An oaf fish.

Oaf fish.

That's good. Is anybody
getting this down?

Back off, Adonis, okay?

He's just having a
few first-day jitters.

Other than that, he's
the same as anyone.

The same as
anyone in your family.

That's it. I can't take it.

My cousin is a
fish out of water!

Whew.

He's an embarrassment,
a disaster.

He's the world's biggest geek!

He's also right behind you.

Triton.

I, uh, I... Oh, no.

Um, uh, excuse me.

So, what did you do
at school today, dear?

You know, stuff.

How nice. And what
about you, dear?

How was your day
patrolling the seven seas?

Ah, Amphitrite, my sweet,

it's always the same old grind.

Rampaging giant squids,
delinquent, monstrous eels,

marauding man-eating sharks.

But I let them all
know who's boss!

Elbows off the table.

Yes, angelfish.

You can't let others
bully you around, son.

You're talking with
your mouth full again.

Sorry.

You've got to show
folks who's in charge,

who wears the chiton,
who holds the trident!

The trident.

Your turn to clear the table.

Okey-dokey.

If you want respect,
you command it!

I can pinch an inch.

Looks like someone
needs to do a few sit-ups.

Well, it's good for flotation.

That's it! They'll see!

I'm not a geek!

I'm show them all,
especially Hercules!

Hercster, this is no
time to sit and mope.

The parade's in an hour.

We gotta practice our routine.

You know, where
you rescue Cassandra,

the damsel in distress,
from me, the vile creature.

Art imitates life yet again.

Uh-oh.

Someone has a
bad case of the guilts.

I-I don't know what
you're talking about.

Okay! You're right! I confess!

I sent you the
heart-shaped mosaic

made from toenail clippings!

I meant him.

Oh.

What was Triton doing
standing there anyway?

He's too quiet. He
snuck up on me.

If he wasn't there, he wouldn't
have heard me call him a geek.

Yeah. Where does he get off

listening in while you put
your foot in your mouth?

Yeah! Who does he think he is?!

All right. All right. But
can you blame me?

Have you ever seen

such a bumbling, stumbling,
uncoordinated goof?

Well, let's see.

Yes, that would be you
on your first day of school.

In fact, that was you last week.

And next week, too.

Could it be that seeing
your flaws in someone else

pushed you over the edge?

My flaws? What do you mean?

Okay. Good point.

I just hope I didn't hurt
Triton's feelings too much.

It's the fish kid!

I mean, after what I said,
it might be hard for him

to get back on his
feet... Flippers... again.

You know?

He's never gonna want to
show his face around here.

Then again, he might
just bounce back.

All right! Way to go!

- Triton?
- Hello, Coz.

Look, I'm glad you're back,

and I'm sorry about yesterday.

What are you doing
with your dad's trident?

Just showing who's
a geek and who's not.

Well, don't you think
that's kind of dangerous?

Only to your ego.

Do something else. Yeah, please.

- Triton!
- Ah, a volunteer from the audience.

Whooooaaa!

Okay, maybe I deserved that.

No, you deserve this.

Ahhh!

Okay, you made your
point. Let me down.

Done.

Whoooaaa!

Hey, Jerk-ules, looks like
your cousin is okay after all.

You're the only
drip around here.

Would you please
ride on my float?

Mine.

Excuse me, ladies, but
Triton is riding on my float.

Triton, you're
asking for trouble.

Oh, what's the matter?

When you don't get to be
Mr. Big Shot, you're not happy?

Mr. Big Shot? I'm
never Mr. Big Shot...

not even Mr. Small Shot.

I'm usually the outsider,
the one who doesn't fit in,

the one who kids poke
fun at, which is why I'm sorry

for calling you the
world's biggest geek.

That should be reserved for me.

You got that right.

Waaahhh!

How typical of a
hero in training.

Still wet behind the ears.

Aah!

We've gotta do something.

Right. You go do, and
I'll protect my fragile D.I.D.

That's damsel in distress.

Something tells me I'd
be safer with the monster.

Enough! Leave now or
prepare to fight to the finish!

Did I say, "fight
to the finish"?

No, no, no.

When I say finish...

Too... many... heads.

Once again, Hercules,

you've proven that
you're no match for me

when it comes to heroics.

Oh, serpent, prepare to battle!

You're gonna battle the serpent?

Of course not. You are.

You're the one with the trident.

Right. I have the trident.

Right. I had the trident.

Aaaahhhh!

Well, I guess that's
why they call them floats.

Oh, no.

Look what I've done.

Hey, it's not your fault.

Well, it is, but...
But anyway...

It was my fault first.

Yeah, but when you
tried to apologize,

I kept acting like a jerk.

Hercules, could you schedule
your family therapy session

for later? A rescue is required.

H-h-help! I can't swim!

This stupid fin.

Hold on, Helen!

We're on our way!

I meant rescue
me. Me! Rescue me!

Whoa.

Here. He'll take you to safety.

Thanks.

My cousin talks to
dolphins. How cool is that?

Actually, all they
ever really want to do

is talk about themselves.

Hey, yo, big guys,
try to catch us.

Help! He-e-e-e-lp!

Whoa. Eww. You feel so fishy.

We'll lead them
away from the school.

There's some kelp
beds over here.

- How do you know?
- It's my turf.

Unfortunately,
it's also their turf.

Okay, Herc, let's find out if
you've got your sea legs yet.

Whoa-whoa-whoa!

Whoa! These guys
are kind of slippery.

Hey, it's new to you.

It takes some getting used to.

Yeah. I guess that's
true for everybody, huh?

Whoa!

- All right!
- Yee-haa!

Giddyup.

Yee-haa!

Git along, little dolphin.

Yee-haaa!

Hey, hey!

Over here!

I'm over here!

Over here! Here!

Hee hee hee hee.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah! We did it!

Uncle Po-Po, Auntie Amphitrite.

Mom! Dad!

Well, just came to
pick up my trident!

I've told you not to leave
that thing lying around.

Lying around?!
The boy snatched it!

Look, I can explain.
It's all my fault.

No, no, no.

It's all my fault.

Oh, I know whose fault it is,
and there'll be a punishment,

I can tell you that!

Now, sug-ums. What your father
means is that part of growing up

is making mistakes.

What I mean is... mistakes?

But that's how we learn.

So don't you ever learn...

and in the end, you
made us very proud.

Isn't that right?

Yeah! Mistakes, how we learn.

Very proud, yeah.

Now, hadn't you better
put that nasty serpent

back where it belongs?

Oh. Right, yeah.

I'll banish it!
That's what I'll do!

To the deepest
depths of the sea,

where those weird little squids

with the
glow-in-the-dark eyes live.

Yah! Mateys, are you with me?!

- Yes, sir!
- Yes, sir!

- You bet!
- Uh-huh!

Yes, sir! And how!

Then move 'em out!

Yee-a-haaa!