Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 16 - Hercules and the Bacchanal - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪



- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪



♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Lousy, rotten, blockhead flake!

Phil, babe, What's your damage?

Great! Just what I need.

Mister "isn't that
just too nutty?"

Phil, I haven't
seen you this upset

since I lost your
autographed Pan flute.

Hey, Pan doesn't give
autographs anymore.

It was a collectible.

Ooh! The brotherhood
of Satyrs, Minotaurs,

and other half-humans
convention is this weekend.

And I really wanted to go.

"Kick up your hooves for one
glorious half-human weekend

at the Adriatic City
Convention Center."

That's not far. Take Pegasus.

It's not that. It's lefty.

He was supposed
to island-sit for me,

but he bailed out last minute.

What a horse's...
Phil, Phil... Phil!

What do you need lefty for?

Hercules can watch the
island for the weekend.

Oh, yeah? And who's
gonna watch him?

What are you saying, Phil,
I'm not responsible enough?

Go ahead, go ahead, say it.

You... are not...
Responsible enough!

I am so!

Ow.

Come on, Philisimo,

The kid's come a long
way since you took him in.

Give him a chance
to prove himself.

Ahh... I don't know.

Hey, I'll stick around to make
sure everything's copacetic.

It is only two days.

You couldn't get
in too much trouble.

"An all-you-can-graze
blue grass buffet."

Whoo! You goat kids swing wild.

You think you're up to this?

Everything will be
just like you left it.

Adriatic City, here I come!

Bye-bye! See ya, Phil!

Don't worry about a thing, babe.

Yeah, don't worry!

Whoa! How great is this?!

The whole island to myself!

So, uh, what do
you wanna do first?

Uh... Go to Speedy Pita?

Phil is letting you island-sit?

Oh, I think what
she's really asking is...

Can we please come over? Please!

Sure. You don't
mind, do you, Hermes?

Heh heh. The more the merrier.

So long as it's
just these two cats.

Ohh... yes!

Let's get it to go, baby!

This isn't yours! The
kitchen is backed up.

Oh, OK, I see.

This is speedy pita.

Where's the speedy part?

With the pita part.

You desire speedy service?

Take five, babe.

Attention, all!

The royal parents are
weekending in Delos.

I have the palatial
villa to myself.

Thus I am throwing
a lavish affair.

A splendid time is
guaranteed for all...

All invited, that is.

And just for the record,

you social zeroes are
definitely not invited.

Oh... zeroes.

Oh, you know, that
would really hurt...

If we cared!

But we don't!

'Cause we're goin'
to Herc's party,

Smart guy!

Whoa, uh, it's not
really a... A party.

It's more of, like,
a... a get-together.

No doubt.

My party, on the other hand,

is going to be a real Bacchanal!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Oh, yeah! I'm down with that!

- Adonis, love ya!
- Yeah!

Oh, Adonis, I'm there!

A real Bacchanal, yeah!

Bacchus wouldn't come near
Adonis' party with a 10-foot limbo pole.

Mmm! Kicky idea!

What can I get ya here? Huh?

I'll take... three gyros,

Ooh, a rack of lamb,
ah, a super Souvlaki,

whoa, mixed meat kebab.

Oh, and double up
on the boar jowls.

I love those boar jowls.

And, uh... yeah.

A diet nectar.

Sure, sure. Right...
right away, doll.

Oh, everyone,

This is Bacchus...
Lord of the grape,

God of parties, and
master of merriment!

Uh-oh.

Slide over, kids.

Ooh! What's this?

Adonis is having a... Bacchanal?

Bacchus... You didn't tell me

you were throwing a
party for prince thing here.

I'm not.

Therefore it is not a Bacchanal.

Hmm. Well, that
would mean Adonis lied.

That's sort of in the "Affront
to the Gods" category.

Are we talking
divine retribution?

No! No!

It's a misprint.

I'm not having a Bacchanal.

It's actually more
of a get-together.

No doubt.

That... Was so great.

Hate to gorge and run.

I gotta meet an' greet some
Maenads who wanna worship me.

Go figure! Hey, I'm just
a God who can't say no.

Bacchus, uh, wait.

If you're not too busy tonight,

could you... Liven up my party?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know, make it
more of a... Bacchanal.

The son of Zeus!
Are you kidding?

I'm there! It's par-tay time!

All right! Yeah, party, man!

Whoa-ho! Hey, Herc,

I just brought Bacchus
around to shut up the royal pain.

Hercules... Can I come
to your Bacchanal?

The more the merrier, babe.

Uh, you don't get it.

Mount Olympus barely
survives Bacchus' Bacchanals,

and we have cloud furniture!

Hermes, you don't get it.

I've never been
this popular before.

Oh, no, it's true.

My best friend Herc has got
the whole island to himself, baby.

Whoa!

I have to rethink my
whole impression of him.

I'm in his geometry class.

Uh, I think it's geometry.

Are you wearing that?

Shu-ut! We gotta get
something fresh on.

This isn't just anyone's party.

We're talkin' Hercules.

One party, and Hercules is cool?

Duh!

Please.

OK, OK, have the party.

Just keep it simple.

Yes!

Nice try, Hermes.

But Bacchus doesn't
do simple, baby.

Lend me your ears.

♪ Here's an open invitation ♪

♪ To the finest
feast in Greece ♪

♪ It's an awesome celebration ♪

♪ Guaranteed to
disturb the peace ♪

♪ It's a gala extravaganza ♪

♪ With a hot
Cucaracha beat, whoo! ♪

♪ You don't need to
ask Directions, no, no ♪

♪ Just follow
your dancin' feet ♪

♪ At the Bacchanal ♪

♪ It's a nonstop party ♪

♪ Oh, look at me, I'm dancing! ♪

♪ The biggest bash that
Bacchus has ever thrown ♪

♪ People wall-to-wall ♪

♪ Gonna party hardy ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ We'll boogie to the beat ♪

♪ Till the sheep come home ♪

♪ Grape juice gushes
Straight from the fountain ♪

♪ Shake it up and Slide
down the mountain ♪

♪ Strike a pose So
everyone knows you're cool ♪

Ha ha ha!

♪ Lift those hips And
move to the conga ♪

♪ Steal a kiss,
Scream cowabunga! ♪

♪ Mosh pit meltdown ♪

♪ Everyone in
the pool, me first! ♪

♪ At the Bacchanal ♪

- ♪ It's a nonstop party ♪
- ♪ Boom, boom!

♪ The biggest bash that
Bacchus has Ever thrown ♪

Ay-yi-yi!

♪ People wall-to-wall ♪

♪ Gonna party hardy ♪

Ah, yeah!

♪ You're sure to have a
ball At the Bacchanal ♪

♪ Bbrrrrr! ♪

♪ Be-ba-ba-ba-be-be
ba-be-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boo-bay! ♪

I can't tell ya, am I
havin' a good time?

Uh, good party.

That does it!

If you think I'm just
going to stand by

while Hercules ruins my weekend,

you are sadly mistaken,
my hired friend.

We are going to Hercules' party,

and we are going now!

Limbo lower now.

Ha ha! See, Hermes,
there's nothin' to worry about.

Everything is copacetic!

Heads up.

Hey!

My face!

Epic party, Hercules!

Yaaaah!

Bacchus, uh, I...

I think we should
slow it down now!

Hey!

So... this is a real Bacchanal.

Arriba!

Indeed... no mere get-together,

this was a real Bacchanal,

and the funky rhythm was felt

far beyond the
shore of Phil's island...

From a confused
crew of oarsmen...

To a drowned-out
bevy of sirens...

To a sleepless Poseidon,

The God of the sea himself.

The party had
gone out of bounds.

Unh, lousy, rotten neighbors.

Do they know what tide it is?

Gah! I oughta...

Yaaah!

That does it!

Party's... over!

So that wasn't just
a fashion statement.

This... could not get any worse.

Well, well.

Looks like I came just in time.

I stand corrected.

Who's ready to come to my party?

- Whoo-hoo!
- Let's party! Yeah!

Party at Adonis'! Whoo-whoo!

He's in my shop class.

I think it's shop.

I'm already yesterday's news.

Uh, bad break, babe.

Ya know, popularity is

a what-have-you-done
for-me-lately kinda gig.

I should've seen it coming.

Why else would Cassandra
wear a life vest to a party?

I thought the subtle
approach might work.

Hey, buddy!

Need a lift?!

No, thanks. I'm stuck here...

Island-sitting.

Reckless, irresponsible Hercules

didn't know what to do next.

Ohh, he's in one of his moods.

Come on, Bob, cut
the boy some slack.

Excuse me, but
he sank an island.

It's not like it's Atlantis.

Well, baby, all he's got to do
is beg Poseidon for forgiveness

and ask him to unsink it.

I don't think Poseidon

is gonna be too happy to see me.

OK, now you're
just makin' trouble

where there isn't any.

Uh, I guess you're right.

Aaaah!

Whoa-ho!

Whoops. Missed me.

Oop! Missed me again.

Missed me again. Uh, what?-ho!

OK, that was close.

Unh!

Aaaaah! Hermes!

Gotcha!

Unh!

Yaaah! Yaaah!

Oh, squiggles!

Fetch, boy!

Ha ha ha!

Sorry about the guard squid.

He's not fixed, you know, and...

Oh, it's you.

Squiggles!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I'll never have
another party again!

Can I get a witness?

Uh-huh, and I suppose now
you want your island back.

Well, forget it!

Thanks to your
beach party blowout,

I've got a splitting headache

and bags under my
eyes the size of belugas.

Poseidon, amigo, ya
gotta help us out here.

He's your nephew.

I'll do anything... Uncle po-po.

Well... There is
something you can do.

What? Anything.

Argus has this
miracle eye cream.

Sends the bags packin', ya know.

But the selfish
monster won't share!

You get me some
of that eye cream,

and I'll give
you... Your island.

Done.

Argus!

Maybe we should split up.

Arrgggh!

We just wanna
talk to you... Whoa!

Uh, Argus, Babela,
we come in peace.

Hermes!

I love that you can do that.

Isn't that just too nutty?

Ohh, if you're not a
sight for sore eyes.

Don't go there. Too easy.

So how's your latté?

Mmm, tasty.

So, uh, about the eye cream.

Hermes, baby, you're killin' me.

Here, you want
lip balm? Take two.

Oh, and I have got

an aloe vera scalp
conditioner to die for.

But the eye cream...

I can barely make
enough for myself.

Mmm, however...
Argus finally agreed

to give Hercules some eye cream

if he could get cupid to
give him one of his arrows.

Hmm, I wonder who Argus
got his eyes on. Ha ha ha!

Well, it's not like
you're gonna set him up

on a blind date.

Cute! Now, can we
get on with the story?

You want an arrow?

I can give you a
whole quiver of 'em

if you get this stupid
song out of my head!

- What song?
- Aphrodite.

♪ Aphrodite, Aphrodite ♪

♪ The goddess of love ♪

Ohh! You are not helping!

Oh, but we can.

A splash of water from
the pool of forgetfulness.

Yeah, that'll do it.

Do you know how
humiliated I was?

Red-faced, your insidiousness?

There I am, buying a
client's farewell dinner

at the trendiest restaurant
east of the Elysian fields

when my Grecian
Express card is rejected!

How can that be?

Y-you're always so
prompt with your payments.

I don't know. Unless...

Unless someone has
been running up my card.

We are mall rats!

For a live guy,

I sure find myself in
the land of the dead a lot.

Nice place to
visit and all that.

Wha-ha! Whoo!

Oh, no! It's Hercules!

The boss can vent
on his patootie.

Shh! Shh!

No, no, no. Ix-nay
on the Oss-Bay, babe.

I am a master at
the art of negotiation.

Fine. What do you want?

How about, uh,
flameproof shorts?

Yes. Flameproof shorts.

This was the
toughest challenge yet.

But Hephaestus,
the mighty smith God,

owed Hermes a favor.

Hephaestus has

a speaking engagement at the...

Brotherhood of
Satyrs, Minotaurs,

and other half-humans
convention.

Relax. It's a huge place.

The odds we'll run into
Phil are a million to... whoa!

Ah, Hephaestus' lectures
are always so lame.

What say we go to the Satyr
night fever dance instead?

I thought you said the
odds were a million to one!

I, uh, I always
hit the long shots.

Now what?

Hurry. I promised Sophocles

I'd get this costume back
before his second matinee.

[grunts.

Shh! Quiet! Shh!

Hubba!

Phil likes the new filly.

What?! I oughta...

Beat it, sister! And I mean now.

Uh, excuse me?

Go move in on
someone else's half-man!

Leave mine alone!

Oya!

Uh-huh, no problem.

Ladies! There's plenty
of me to go around.

You can... Philpool.

Wha...?! Oof!

Incoming!

Oh, I am so sorry.

And you with your Doric leg!

Hey, Hephaestus, babe! I, uh...

You see, there was
this Zany Centaur, and...

Ah, another story, another time.

Can we talk flameproof shorts?

Oh, ho! Whoa!

Too much! Oh, my flutes!
What have you done?!

I'm sorry. I was just
trying to find Hephaestus.

Hey, you know,
lecture's over, man.

He's, like, gone!

Huh, wait, hey, hold just a
second. Do you need a flute?

Autographed. Fell off a barge.

Ahh, I owe ya one, Heph.

This is really gonna
mean a lot to Hercules.

I just hope he doesn't spill the
beans to Phil in the meantime.

Phil, I've... got a
confession to make.

Kid, what are you doin' here?

You spilled somethin' on
my golden fleece, didn't ya?

Among other things.

Ohh, maybe I'd
better just show you.

Hey, um, save me
a dance, sweetness.

I've been workin' on
my trojan two-step.

Ohh! Poor Herc.

Poor Herc?! Gimme a break!

He's got a life of
adventure and crazy hijinks.

Sure, you guys don't complain.

You got to go to his party!

Is that what's got
your toga in a twist?

Even Phil got to go to
a convention, but me, I...

I never get to do anything.

Ohh, Bobby baby,

How about we take you out
for ice cream after the story?

Can I get rainbow sprinkles?

Then let's bring this baby home.

OK...

Phil and Hercules were on
their way back to Phil's island.

Phil still didn't know that his
island was below sea level.

So all Hermes had to do was

get the flameproof
shorts to pain and panic...

I feel so gaul-ish! Yeah!

Get the bottle of water from the
pool of forgetfulness to cupid...

Ahh!

The song is gone.

I can't remember a word of it.

Why am I wearing a diaper?

Get cupid's arrow
to Argus... Yahoo!

I'm not spendin' next Saturday
night curled up with a book!

And give Poseidon
the eye cream...

Ahh, it's like butter.

So he could unsink Phil's island

before Phil and
Hercules got home.

Gaagh! No problem.

So? What do you gotta show me?

Show? Show? Nothing.
Nothing to show.

Uh, right, Herc?

You were right, Phil.

I wasn't responsible
enough to watch your island.

In fact, if it wasn't
for Hermes,

y-you wouldn't even
have an island right now.

Thanks for tellin'
the truth, kid.

But if you think I'm lettin'
you off the hook, think again!

20 laps! Now!

You, too, wing boy!

Why, Herc?

We were home free!

I couldn't lie to Phil.

Besides, it's only 20 laps.

Make that 20,000!

What?! Oh, Phil!