Hello Ladies (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Wedding - full transcript

♪ Just a little boy lost
looking for a lamb ♪

♪ In the all-night city

♪ Living in
his lonely limousine ♪

♪ And though
he never has to worry ♪

♪ He's the only one
and only one ♪

♪ He's ever gonna need

♪ Absolutely,
he's in definite need ♪

♪ Ooh, maybe we've been
alone too long ♪

♪ You don't want to be lonely ♪

♪ Maybe we've been
alone too long ♪

♪ You don't want to be lonely. ♪



Notice anything funny
about that license plate, hmm?

It's a rental.

But Maguire said that he was
driving his own car that night.

Huh.
( scoffs )

Looks like our retired pitcher

was trying to throw us a curveball.

I'm sorry... I'm sorry,
can I start over?

- Sure.
- Okay.

But that was really good.
Keep that energy.

( vibrates lips )

Could you roll
that security camera...

nope, that's... blah.

I'm sorry.

Did my voice sound weird?



Am I doing, like, a hollow thing?

Your voice sounds fine.

Okay, again. Again.
( exhales sharply )

Can you roll that security
camera footage again?

Fuck!
I'm sorry, whoa.

( groans )
I'm just...

Sweetie, I think you're
getting a little worked up.

The reason we brought you here is
because we like what you do, all right?

So, why don't you go outside,
relax a little bit,

come back in when you're ready, okay?

Okay.

( exhales )

That was quick.
Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah.
I need a minute.

I was getting inside my head.

You know what? I know that there's
a little voice in there

that's saying, you know,

"You're not good enough.
You're not pretty enough.

You don't even belong here."

And, you know, well, shut up.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I need to focus.

- Oh, yeah, okay.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.

( exhales )

- Hey.
- Hello, mate.

How you doing?

Not great.

I forget what you're here for again.

You said I could borrow your cooler

for the drive up to this wedding.

I spoke to the bride
and groom, right?

They're gonna put me on a table

of beautiful single ladies.

Single ladies.

Wonder if my wife will be there.

Oh, I wouldn't have thought so, no.

It's going to be actresses
and models, apparently.

Yeah.

No, you know what?

You go have fun.
It's a wedding.

Okay, but listen,
I'll be back tomorrow.

I'll bring this
and we can have a good sit-down

and a good talk, yeah?

- Thanks, buddy.
- Okay.

- See you later, man.
- See ya.

- ( chattering )
- ( music playing )

Hey, have you heard anything?

It's, like, 3:00. How long does it
take them to make these decisions?

Danny promised we'd know
by the end of the day.

Well, isn't there
a table read on Monday?

- Glenn?
- Hmm?

- 1:00.
- 1:00 what?

Babe alert.

Hold this, please.

Excuse me while I go and talk
to the future Mrs. Pritchard.

- Hey, babe.
- Ah... aye.

- How'd it go?
- Just warming up.

Hmm.

Carrie said I was gonna be on a table

with a bunch of single ladies, so...

- ( phone beeps )
- Is that them?

- Mm, not them.
- ( sighs )

Honestly, if I don't get this job,

I'm gonna seriously
consider quitting acting.

I can't keep jumping
through all these hoops

if I'm not getting anywhere.

You are my lover and my teacher.

You are my mentor and my model.

You are my anchor
and my accomplice.

Groom:
You are my true soul mate

and my everlasting counterpart.

Both:
In sickness and in health,

through dark times and light,

for the rest of the days of my life.

What table are you on?

Table eight.

Well, have fun 'cause I'm at table 12

and that's where the party's at.

- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.

See you later.

Woman:
It's okay, baby.

- Aw, honey
- ( baby crying )

Little baby.

- This is table 12, is it?
- Yes.

- I think there's been a mistake.
- Woman: Aw, it's okay.

Aw, can we get some juice?

- Little baby.
- ( crying continues )

Thank you so much for coming.
I really appreciate it.

Cousin Bob.

- Oh, hey, Stuart.
- Hey, all right. You look wonderful.

- Thank you for coming.
- I have to say, you don't scrub up too bad yourself.

- Aren't you sweet?
- It's all her.

Oh, yeah, fantastic.
Thank you for... hang on a sec.

Um, just one thing
that occurred to me.

I don't know if you remember,
but you told me

I'd be on a table
with some single people

and I seem to be on
a table with an older group

and a child and...

I'm sorry about that.

We had to fit in more
people than we'd planned.

But you are with
another English person,

- so that should be fun.
- Yeah.

- Hey, good to see you.
- All right.

- Thanks for coming.
- Mister and Missus.

- And Janet.
- Great to see you.

- Thank you so much for coming.
- Janet, you look beautiful.

Great to see you.
Stuart, hi.

Sorry, yeah, I just, um...-

It was just 'cause you promised
that I would be on the table...

Yeah, I'm sorry about that,

- but I'm sure you understand.
- I don't, actually.

But I'll tell you what.
You're clearly busy. I can see that.

Why don't I go in there
and just jiggle some things around?

You know, wherever your name card is,
just sit there, okay?

It's your special day.

- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.

- Oh, hello, ladies.
- Hi.

- Stuart: How's it going?
- Welcome to the loser table.

Please, we're not losers, all right?

We're just people who haven't
found the one yet, am I right?

- Yes, true that.
- Yeah, absolutely.

Excuse me.

I think I'm supposed
to be at this table,

but I don't see my name anywhere.

- What is your name?
- Luke.

Has anyone got a Luke on their card?

- No.
- No?

Doesn't seem to be one here, mate.

I'm supposed to be at table four.

I think there's been a couple
of mix-ups today, actually.

- Yeah, frustrating, isn't it?
- Thanks.

( sighs )
So, what do you do?

I am an actress.

Are you really?

Glenn, Nicole Mortimer's here.

- Who?
- She's a playwright.

Carrie was in one of her plays.

Glenn, she's brilliant.

Maybe you should talk to her.
I'm sure she'll be thrilled.

No, I'm not doing that. She probably
gets approached all the time.

By who?
She's a playwright.

I'm gonna introduce you.

- No. No, no, no, no, Glenn.
- Yeah.

Ms. Mortimer?
I'm sure you get this all the time.

I am a giant fan of your work,

as is my client, Jessica Vanderhoff.

Nice to meet you.

Jessica is a fabulous actress.

She is on a short list for
a starring role on "NCIS: L.A."

Well, it's just a stupid cop show.

I probably won't even get it.

I'm actually moving away from acting

and focusing more on my own writing.

What are you working on?

I'm currently finishing
up a web series

about one woman's
descent into madness.

Ah, what's it called?

"Descent into Madness."

Well, good luck with it.

I'll check it out when it's up.

- Nice to meet you.
- Glenn: Nice meeting you.

Thank you so much.

See you in the trenches.

I'm not gonna be indiscreet
on her wedding day,

but let's just say there
were two attractive people

in a house with a hot
tub and a swimming pool.

- Hey, Stuart.
- There she is. Talk of the devil.

I think you may be at the wrong table,
actually.

- I don't think so.
- No, I think so.

No, 'cause I'm pretty sure you told
me to sit wherever my name card is.

- Here's my name card.
- Yeah, because your table number's on the inside.

12.

Someone should get fired for this

because you should not be worrying
about this shit on your wedding day.

Do you want me to have a talk
with the wedding planner?

'Cause I...
my blood's boiling.

I can only imagine
how you're feeling.

Stuart, I'd rather you
just sit at your table.

- What are you doing?
- ( clanking )

Never buy a bottle of wine
that says "Napa Valley" on it.

- People like you still get conned...
- They do.

... into shelling out
more for the Napa name.

( clanking continues )

- Man: One of the things...
- Woman: Listen, this is funny.

Man:
One of the things that I like to do...

Listen.

... is take a completely
shit bottle...

Look what you've done,
you little monkey.

What are you like?
What is he like?

- Hello again.
- Oh, hi.

Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt.

You said that you would be willing
to take a look at my web series.

Sure. I'll give you my agent's
address and you can send it to me.

Oh, well, I can actually show
you right now. It's really short.

Where would we watch it?

Oh, technology.

- ( boy pounding on table )
- Woman: The last trip we did...

was that? Oh, God,
do you remember that?

- Amsterdam, have you been?
- Man: Amsterdam.

- Don't bother.
- No.

What is he like, huh?

What is he like?
What are you like, little monkey?

- ( laughing )
- Anyway, so, in Amsterdam...

- ( pounding continues )
- ... we saw the canals.

We went to that...
what's it, the house... the diary girl?

- Anne Frank.
- Anne Frank.

It was disappointing, wasn't it?

- Yeah.
- It was disappointing?

We were expecting to be more moved

'cause it's such a tragic story,

but it wasn't as small
as we were expecting.

You wanted Anne Frank's
place to be smaller?

Well, in the book
she says how cramped it is.

- Right.
- But it's actually quite spacious.

Anyway, apart from that,
there's nothing else to see,

really, unless you're a drug addict.

And of course the prostitutes.

And I'm six months
pregnant, you know?

- What's he like?
- Oh, he's like a cunt.

Yeah.

( guests laughing, chattering )

( music playing )

What did you think?

It's really rare
to get to watch a film

while the filmmaker is sitting
right there watching you.

- ( both laugh )
- Yeah.

Right, but is there anything

about the piece specifically?

The important thing
isn't what I think about it.

It's how do you feel about it?

I'm really proud of it.

Then it's a success.

Yeah.

♪ Groove is in the heart

♪ Groove is in the heart ♪

♪ Groove is in the heart

♪ Grove is in the heart ♪

♪ Watch out...

Kimberly?

Stuart.

- Stuart.
- I'm Andy's friend.

We met briefly at Margot's dinner

and then I think you
came to my pool party.

- Oh, the pool party.
- Yeah.

It was fantastic.
Where were you?

Oh, I decided to do this other thing.

- But how's it going? Good to see you.
- It's going good.

What... what are you doing here?

Oh, Carrie used to be my tenant.

- Oh, this is so weird you being here.
- Yeah, cool.

It is weird, isn't it? 'Cause
I feel like we keep trying to meet

- and then it doesn't quite...
- Yeah, it's like, what's that word?

- Kismet.
- Like fate.

- Yeah, totally.
- It is, kind of... yeah, a little bit like that.

Have you been here the whole time?

No, I was shooting, like,
really early this morning,

and then we were driving
out here and I was like,

"Do you ever get that thing
where you just, like,

want to stop off in the desert

and just, like, be
somewhere totally random?"

- All the time. I get it all the time.
- Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We stopped and smoked a joint and...

Oh, cool. I love
major chill-out sessions

'cause sometimes you just need them.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, I can do with one of them.

Thank you again for watching that.

I really appreciate the feedback.

You're welcome.

Is there anything else, though?

I don't need you to
treat me with kid gloves.

Honestly, I'd really value
the constructive criticism.

Well, in terms of the plot,
it didn't really make sense.

Uh-huh.

Is there anything else?

I also thought
it was a bit overwrought.

Hmm.

( sighs )

Do you think it's possible
that you didn't respond to it

because it was a web thing

and that's not really
a medium that means as much

to someone in their 50s?

I'm 43.

And you look great.

♪ Groove is in the heart

♪ Groove is in the heart... ♪

Still nothing.

♪ Groove is in the heart...

Kimberly:
Don't make fun of me,

but I love staying home
and watching documentaries.

I'm kind of a nerd.

- So am I. I'm king of the nerds.
- Really?

I saw this incredible
documentary last week.

- What was it about?
- It was about aliens.

Okay, yeah.

And it was basically
saying that aliens exist

and the government's,
like, covering it up.

They showed this footage,

and it was basically, like,
a bright light shooting across the sky,

kind of like...
like a plane.

Yeah, could it have been a plane?

- No. No.
- No? Okay.

And they interviewed this
farmer 'cause he got abducted.

Why are these aliens
only ever abducting farmers

and people who live in trailer parks?

Why do they never abduct,
like, the president,

or someone interesting,
like, you know, Elton John?

- Yeah, it's so true.
- Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

You're really, really fun to talk to.

I don't meet many guys
that can debate like this.

Who are you normally meeting?

Mostly, like, male models,
but they're so dumb.

Ugh, well, that's why they went
into modeling... into male modeling.

Yeah. Um...
we should have an after-party.

- ( gasps )
- Yeah.

- I could do an after-party.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, in my room? Yeah, sure, sure.
- Yay.

You know what?
I think we're gonna crash.

Yeah, we're gonna go to bed...
I'm gonna go to bed.

( gasps )
You guys are so boring.

When did you become so boring?

You're so boring.

- ( scoffs )
- So boring.

- Aw.
- Yeah.

Well, listen, I was just
gonna go back to my room

and just have a bit
of another chill sesh

and just listen to
some tunes if you wanna...

( gasps )
Can I DJ?

You can only come if you DJ.

- Really? Okay, cool.
- Yeah, that's the rules.

I just have to say bye
to some friends.

- Okay.
- I'll be literally, like two minutes.

- What's your room number?
- 219.

- Okay, I'll see you then.
- Yeah, see you in a bit.

( sloshing )

( knock on door )

Hello?

Hi, it's Kimberly!

Give me a second.

- Hi, I'm so sorry.
- Hey.

I got caught up talking
and I completely lost track of time.

Oh, don't worry about it.
No, please, yeah, come in.

Make yourself...
what are you drinking?

I've recently dabbled in scotch,
so maybe a scotch?

- Sure, yeah.
- Yeah?

- Better late than never.
- I'm gonna put on some tunes.

- Oh, please do.
- Get this party started.

Yes. Oh.

Happy with the 13-year-old
single malt?

- Fantastic.
- ( music playing )

- I love 13-year-olds.
- ( laughs )

I love this one.

- It's fantastic, right?
- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah.
- Take a seat.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Oh, yeah, classic.

- To kismet.
- To kismet.

( knock on door )

Mm, mm-hmm.
It's Paul.

Who's Paul?

Hi, come in, come in, come in.

- How are you?
- We gotta get rid of this guy.

( Kimberly laughs )
What?

Stop.

This is Stuart.
Stuart's amazing.

Stuart, this is Paul.

- I wouldn't say amazing, but...
- How's it going?

Hi, how's it going?

Ah, I'm sorry.
I'm sat there.

Yeah.

Paul, can I get you something to drink?
Maybe a scotch?

- Love scotch.
- Cool.

Here you go.

So, Paul, you should totally
have Stuart do your new website.

He has a web design business.

Oh, you do web design?

It's a gig, you know.
Pays the bills.

- What do you do?
- He DJs for Kanye West.

Do ya?

Is that a new tattoo, Paul?

Yeah, I got it in Thailand.

- ( gasps )
- It's the Buddhist symbol for hope.

It's beautiful.

Oh, I love Buddhism.
Can I just take a look at that?

- Kanye got inner peace.
- Oh, it's amazing... really?

- Typical Kanye.
- Yeah, yeah.

Hey, dude, can I get a refill?

Totally, man.
The bar's just there.

- Oh, right.
- Can I get another scotch as well?

- Yeah.
- Please?

( gasps )
You know what would be amazing?

Is if we got room service.

I missed the dinner
and I'm so hungry.

- Is that okay?
- Sure, yeah.

Do you want to order
some room service, mate?

Sure.

Yeah, I was thinking
of getting a tattoo...

Oh, let's see what they have.
I'm starving.

Kimberly:
Ooh, that looks good.

- Paul: Yeah.
- Kimberly: Hmm.

Let me have a look here,
see what's going...

sorry, can I see that?

I'm thinking maybe steak?
Like, filet mignon?

It seems a bit late
for filet mignon, is it?

Why don't I just get
a bunch of stuff?

It's a brilliant idea.

Oh, but you know what?
I don't have that much cash on me.

- That's a shame.
- We can just charge it to the room.

Genius, that's fantastic.
Okay, thank you so much.

I don't know.
Maybe she's right.

Maybe it is overwrought.

Maybe I'm not a good
actor or a writer.

( sighs )
I have all these ambitions,

but honestly,
what if I'm just not good enough?

Don't worry about her, okay?

Think she's having as much
fun as you are right now?

I mean, what does she
even mean by "overwrought"?

It's not overwrought.
It's passionate.

Why is she criticizing me

for trying to do something
that's honest and raw?

Don't work yourself
up about it, okay?

It's only a web series.
No one's ever gonna see it.

I mean... I didn't mean
no one's gonna see it.

- Um, I'm gonna go.
- Wait, just...

- Jessica, I'm...
- No, it's fine.

It's fine. It's fine.
I'm just gonna take a walk.

( sighs )

Is the gratuity included in the $185?

- No, sir.
- No? Great.

This steak looks fantastic.

Thanks.

- Stuart: Good?
- Yeah, it's good.

Oh, cool.

Yeah. Hmm.

Is that all you're gonna have?

Well, I don't know.
I might save some for later.

One piece of steak
for a model is a full meal.

Oh, shut up.

( laughs )
Whoa.

I'm surprised you can throw that far,

you're so weak from hunger.

- You're such a jerk.
- You are.

Fuck off, Paul.
Jesus.

Yeah, fuck off, Paul.

Two against one.
Hang on, I gotta regroup.

Hey, where's your bathroom, man?

- Just, yeah, there.
- Oh, yeah.

As you'd expect.

( sighs )

Sit down.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, I was not fucking
ready to see Paul today.

- Yeah, what's his fucking deal?
- No, he's a great guy.

He seems like a good guy. I thought
that straight away when he came in.

But I was just... I don't know.
I was maybe hoping

that you could maybe
give us a little privacy?

- Why?
- To catch up.

You... what, in my room?

I completely spaced getting a room

and he's staying with this guy, Luke,

and Luke's hooking up
with this girl...

Oh, is he?
I met Luke earlier.

He seemed like another good guy.

Please? I would owe you for eternity.

- All right.
- Oh, you're amazing.

Thank you so much.
You're fantastic.

I just remembered I gotta pop
down to the business center,

do some faxing.

- Cool. See you later, man.
- Yeah.

- ( talking softly )
- ( laughing )

Stuart:
Hey.

Oh, hey.

What are you up to?

Mm, just stealing some silverware.

Good move.
Looks like you've done a hell of a job.

- ( laughs )
- Cleaned 'em out.

Where's Kimberly?

Kimberly is in my room.

Why did you leave her
in your room alone?

Oh, no, no, no.
She's... she's not alone.

No, she's with Paul.
Do you know Paul?

He DJs for Kanye West
and he's got a lot of tattoos.

- He loves a bit of free steak.
- Oh, I love Paul.

Do you like Paul?
Yeah, everyone seems to love Paul.

Why did you let them use your room?

I have a more... I have,
like, a long-term plan.

- Oh.
- Which is that when she's tired

of dating these kinds of assholes,

she'll remember how
sweet and lovely I am

and then that's when I get my chance.

Stuart, why do you try so hard?

Just be yourself.
It's easy.

That's just terrible advice because
I've been myself for 35 years

and that's got me nowhere,
so I'm gonna be Paul from now on.

No, you don't need to be Paul.

Why do you keep trying
to date supermodels?

Just date, like, a normal person.

Why would I want to spend
any time with normal people?

I'm one of the normal people.
Look at me.

This is what normal people look like.

There's nothing wrong
with normal people.

- I'm a normal.
- No, you're way above normal.

- I'm above normal?
- You're definitely above normal, yeah.

Oh, thank you.

You're definitely above...
you're, like, three feet above normal.

- That's good.
- ( laughs )

Your looks and your
personality are fine.

The biggest problem
you have is your dancing.

- No, I will not hear this.
- I've been watching you.

- I'm one of the great dancers.
- I saw you dancing.

- It's really weird.
- No.

All right, we can settle this

because I am well known
throughout England

for having moves like Jagger.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

- ( music playing )
- Oh, my... oh.

- Yeah.
- ( laughing ) Okay.

You look like one
of those inflatable men

that's outside of a car dealership.

- That's what I'm going for.
- Okay. Ahem.

This is how you dance to this music.

Are you ready?
Watch me.

Use your hips, not just...

People like this.
This is a very popular move.

Okay.
Follow me, ready?

Good.
Use your hips.

Like, bend down...
there you go.

Good.
Good face, yeah.

Good face.
Good.

You're too tall to dance
with a human woman.

That is why I aim for supermodels.

Although you do have
a nice concave chest

for me to rest my head on.

♪ ... to better suit your mood ♪

♪ Because you're so smooth ♪

♪ And it's just like the ocean ♪

- ♪ Under the moon...
- Oh.

♪ It's the same as the emotion
that I get from you ♪

♪ You've got the kind of lovin'
that can be so smooth ♪

♪ Yeah, gimme your heart,
make it real ♪

♪ Or else forget about it... ♪

Uh-oh.

There he goes.
( laughing )

Glenn:
You got it.

You got the fucking part.

- I got it?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
I got it?

- What did they say?
- Shane just emailed me.

A press release goes out tomorrow.

You are a lead on network prime time.

- ( laughs )
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
( squeals )

- Oh, this is crazy.
- Amazing!

Ah!

This is crazy.

Oh, my God.
Can I call my mom? Is it too late?

- Of course you can call your mom.
- What time is it?

- It's 2:00, but...
- Should I start emailing people?

- Yeah, it's your role.
- What did they say? Read the email back.

Stuart?

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, uh...
I'm gonna take off,

but I just wanted to
say sorry for last night,

and thanks.

You were really sweet.

Don't worry about it.
It's fine.

It was a bit weird
with Paul here, I know,

and I was a bit drunk.

He left and he, like,
didn't even say bye.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I have the worst taste in men.

Yeah?

I just wish I could
find, like, a nice guy.

There's some out there.

- Thanks again.
- Yeah.

Bye.

♪ Some expression
in your eyes... ♪

( door closes )

♪ Overtook me by surprise ♪

♪ Where was I?

♪ How was I to know

♪ Oh

♪ How can we drive
to a movie show... ♪

( phone chimes )

♪ When the music
is here in my car? ♪

♪ There's a band playing

♪ On the radio

♪ Oh...

( knocks )

- Hello, mate.
- Hey.