Hart of Dixie (2011–2015): Season 3, Episode 15 - Ring of Fire - full transcript

- I'm so sorry about Lavon. How are you?
- Fine as I can be,

given that my heart is crushed

and I'm probably gonna
die alone and whatnot.

Meet me brothers, Rudy, Rocket,

and the scruffy one's Chicken.

I love my brothers,
but chaos follows them.

"We have your friend.
Ha-ha-ha, the Truitt brothers."

- You got my boyfriend kidnapped.
- We're looking at a top-to-bottom right here.

Duke said that the remodel
is going to take two months!

I'm not leaving just yet.

Joel and I need to get his book
sold to Hollywood.



Okay, truth--
I rejoined the Belles.

I'm not dating just Carter, I'm also
dating Grandma Bettie's chauffeur.

I believe you have
two boyfriends.

And it is amazing.

Lemon, would you care to
tell us what's going on here?

I've been seeing both of you.

What are we gonna do?
I mean,

- I can't choose just one of you.
- You, Limón, are worth it to fight.

May the better man win.

My life is all
about Carter and Enrique.

Right now I have
no time to breathe.

Until you start dating two guys,
your time-management skills

haven't truly been tested.

- You should sew that on a pillow.
- A.B., this is



a big responsibility.

- This decision could impact the
rest of my life. - Is it possible

you're putting
too much pressure on...

Okay, I was born

and bred to date
a Carter Covington, right?

- Okay.
- But Enrique,

I mean, Enrique is...

he's introducing me to all
new cultures, to the arts,

uh, words I don't understand

and probably never will.

Okay, I get it.
I do.

But... in the long run,
dating two guys

is unsustainable.

You need to have
an endgame. I mean,

wh-what is the plan?

Well, I mean, the plan
is to date... both of them

until the universe nudges me
in the right direction.

It should be illegal

for two such beautiful women

- to have breakfast outside.
- Oh...

aren't you just full of charm.

I was window-shopping,
and I saw an item

that just spoke your name.

Well, I hope it's not
a sidewalk painting,

because she's
already got one! Ooh.

Oh, Carter!

Anyone can buy love.

Enrique here is making art
out of nothing.

Don't hate 'cause
he's got money-- Carter here

- is a romantic.
- Carter's just a rich boy.

It don't take no talent to pull
money out of your wallet.

What do you know about talent?

Attention, people of BlueBell,

Lavon Hayes has
an important announcement.

Yeah, and that
is my cue to leave.

Only two days left to
get your tickets to BlueBell's

Renaissance Faire.

- Two days.
- Again with

- the Renaissance Faire!
- I thought he said

- it was something important.
- Delma, I know

you ain't bought
your tickets yet.

Sal? Sal?
Renaissance Faire, come on, man!

All-you-can-eat mutton.

Renaissance fever-- catch it!

I'm sorry.

I just, I thought
you would be happy.

How would this make me happy?!

Well, because I, I got

three plumbers
for the price of one.

And plus their anecdotes are

totally informing my new book.

Uh, hello?
Could you please focus on this?

I'm sorry, Bets keeps
e-mailing me from L.A.

It looks like your mom
really got the ball rolling.

I got three studios bidding
on The Cicada's Lament.

And she thinks
it's gonna sell today.

Oh, that is great.

But you know, honey,
just don't get your hopes up.

Ah!

I know, I know,
I know, you're right.

But I just...

I don't know I got,
I got to say

even when I was writing it,
I really, I really

thought that it could
be a movie.

Well, yes, so could this.

But they already made it

with Larry, Moe and Curly.

Can you tell what
I had for breakfast?

Sounded like pizza!

- That's it!
- Is that it?

I got it right?

Why are you on a ladder?

Why do you think?

To get to the pipes for
the upstairs bathroom?

Why don't you go upstairs

to get to the upstairs bathroom?

You can't go upstairs because
pipes are under the floor!

Listen, lady, we
don't come down

to your doctoring room
and tell you how to amputate.

Good one!

That's gonna hurt.

We need to talk about tomorrow.

Don't worry about a thing,
all right?

I understand the importance
of a three month anniversary

and as such,

I have secured a yacht,

and a captain,

for a moonlight cruise

of Mobile Bay.

Okay, so that sounds
like the best possible

three month anniversary ever.

And I can't believe
I have to postpone.

Seriously?

Yeah, my entire roster

of babysitters bailed.

I don't know what the deal is.

Look, I got two words for you.

Rose Hattenbarger.

- Is that a made-up person?
- No!

No, she's like a certified,
professional, five-star

babysitter.

I know because she's been
leaving her flyer up

on my bulletin board since
she was, like, ten years old.

Go ahead, look.

- Okay.
- I'm serious.

All right.

Listen, bucko,
your reign of terror--

it ends now, okay?

Tomorrow night you're gonna be
an absolute angel.

You understand me?

What if I'm not?

All right, well,

your pupils aren't dilated.

No bruising.

I want you to close your eyes
and tell me

the months of the year
backwards-- start with December.

R-E...

December, November...

He couldn't do that before
he fell off the ladder.

Nobody can.
If that's the test

for a concussion, I'm pretty
sure we've all got concussions.

Does it start
with the letter "M"?

Your brother's
gonna be just fine.

Hey, you hear that, Chicken?

You gonna live.

Forever?

Why don't you get some rest?

And try to avoid any
additional trauma

to the head
the next couple of days.

- Okay?
- All right, you got it.

Ow!
Geez!

Son of a biscuit!

Joel!

I'm just kidding!

That was my hand!

That was my hand.

Oh!

We'll see you later.

- Joelle!
- Oh, God, thank you.

Uh, Zo... Zoe?

Um, so I just got off the phone

with Bets.

It's done.

Warner Bros. bought
my book for six figures!

Get out of here!

I know!

That's awesome! Holy crap!

I heard you talking--
congratulations.

Also, what time
y'all want us back?

At your house?

To finish plumbing?

- I think we're good for now.
- We don't.

N-No, no, no!

BlueBell loves town events.

Yes, we do.

But I think we're suffering
from festival fatigue here.

I mean, besides Lemon's
multiple welcome home parties,

we've had, let's see, Jazz Fest.

We had Fusion Fest.

We had Sandwich Fest.

Uh, uh,

Alabama's largest BLT.

- Pickle Fest.
- Okay, fine, you...

Maybe I've been feeling
an abundance of town spirit.

Or a desire to distract yourself
from your breakup.

Okay, okay, fine.

You got to help me
with this Renaissance Faire.

Look, I am on the hook
for costumes, animals,

food, booze, musicians.

Renaissance-style
Porta Pottis.

All nonrefundable.

Okay, you know what you need?

You need a-a headliner.

You need a big-ticket item.

You know, like King Arthur
riding on a dragon.

Or Van Halen
in Renaissance garb.

You know?
You want to sell tickets?

You give BlueBell
something to focus on

other than deciding who's
the better boyfriend for Lemon.

George, that's it.

Yeah.

Morning, A.B.

You got a minute?

Um... sure.

What's up?

Renaissance Faire
kicks off tomorrow.

And, um,

I'm-I'm having a little trouble
selling tickets.

And I-I was wondering maybe
if, uh, you could do me a favor?

Uh, what kind of a favor?

Now, I'm still missing
the main event.

Now, my idea is to have, uh,
Lemon's suitors,

Enrique and-and Carter,

stage a duel for her hand

in front of the town.

Like knights.

- I see.
- And I-I was hoping

maybe you could talk to her?

Just to recap.

After everything
we've been through,

you want me to convince Lemon

to have her
two boyfriends compete

for her affection
in a public arena

to benefit your festival?

Yeah, I'll get right on that.
Uh-huh.

Oh!

Ha! To The Cicada's Lament...

- the movie.
- Yeah, I got to tell you.

It is mind-blowing.

But the whole time I was
writing, I-I-I kept thinking

of Ben Stiller or
John Cusack as Chuck.

What about Channing Tatum?

Eh.

But I mean, you know,

Channing Tatum might do it.

And I can hang out with him,
meet him and stuff, you know?

- Zoe? - What? I'm a little obsessed
with Channing Tatum.

Oh.

Joel Stephens and Zoe Hart?

Uh, present and accounted for.

You are being sued by one
Lawrence Chicken Truitt

for negligence leading
to pain and suffering.

- I'm sorry, what?
- Come again?

You've been served.

I can't believe the Truitt
brothers are suing us!

After everything I did for them.

Yeah, hiring them

for a job they're
unqualified for.

And then not firing them when
your girlfriend told you to.

I am serious,
they could clean us out, Zoe.

Listen, this lawsuit?

It-it's a load of crap.

George'll get it thrown out.

George Tucker?
He's gonna be our lawyer?

Mm-hmm.

Why?

Well, George is... He's great.
But don't you think there's just

a teensy chance he's not at
the top of his game right now?

He just broke up with Tansy.

And what happened last time

George went through
a romantic debacle?

- Nothing.
- You said he barricaded

himself in a cheap motel,
stopped speaking,

stopped shaving,
ate pizza and watched

Don Todd's Golf Safari
24 hours a day.

Yeah, right. He did that.

Look, I... You know, maybe...

maybe I can talk
to the Truitts myself

without any lawyers.

You know, we're kind of pals.
Maybe see if we can settle

this whole thing
with a conversation.

No, no, you will not talk
to the Truitts.

That's how we got into this
whole mess to begin with.

George will make

this whole thing go away,
trust me.

Okay.

Sure.

What do you mean you're passing?

I'm offering you
a paid gig here.

I went on the babysitting blogs,
and I read all about this kid.

The babysitting blogs?

Yeah, there's blogs
for everything.

One of the commenters said
that Harley gave her

the choice between being
locked in the bathroom

or locked in the basement.

I remember.

She chose bathroom at least.

Smart choice.

Why would I want to do this?

Three reasons, all right?

One, you are
a superior babysitter.

Two, you like a challenge.

And three,
you're my only option,

so I'll pay you
through the nose.

Oh, hey, Joel.

Why is he wearing a neck brace?

Can't hold his head
up without it.

- Doctor said it might just fall off.
- Mm.

And which doctor was that?

That's...
confidential.

What do you want, Joelle?

Well, guys, you know...

I was just hoping
that we could...

we could settle this ourselves.

You know, because we've been
friends a long time.

Since you guys kidnapped me.

- Right?
- I still have that picture of us.

Right, and as friends, you know,
I just hope that we could agree

that this lawsuit
is-is a little...

It's a... it's a little silly.

You know, I mean,
it's-it's clear that Chicken

didn't actually hurt himself.

And the only reason
you are suing me is because

you heard that my book sold.

That is outrageous.

I've never been more
offended in my life.

Really? Never?

All right, you know what.
Let me ask you this.

How did you arrive
at this number?

Because, I mean,
six figures is...

I mean, it's a lot.

Because of pain and suffering.

But mostly, lost earnings.

I'm sorry. Lost earnings?

That's right.
Chicken's always coming up

with brilliant ideas.

Prescription windshields-- his.

Mayonnaise that never
expires-- his.

We and our lawyer believe

he was one brainstorm away

from a genius,
million-dollar idea

when he tragically fell
off a ladder

at your negligent house.

Now, he'll never

have that idea.

Okay, that's insane.

Um, Chicken,
let me ask you this.

What is the bottom line for you?

What is it gonna take
to make this go away?

- Don't talk to him.
- I don't know. 50 bucks?

- 50 bucks. Good.
- No, he didn't mean that.

And a date with that pretty
receptionist, Annabelle.

AnnaBeth.

AnnaBeth. Yes, that's the one.

50 bucks, and a date
with AnnaBeth.

- Okay.
- Rocket,

give him the mouth hand.

That... that is just
the brain damage talking.

All right, the price
is six figures, nothing less.

Now, get out of here

before we give
you a concussion.

Bye, Joel.

Picture it, Lemon.

Your two suitors battling it out
for the queen's hand. Chills.

Well, I like the part
about me being queen.

- But the rest of it-- no.
- Well,

it'll help you choose.

I mean, the winner will escort
you to the Renaissance Party

and have exclusive
dating rights.

'Cause that's how it
worked back then.

I think.

It is silly and undignified.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have outfits to test drive,

and I need to hydrate
and carbo boost, because

I have multiple dates
to prepare for.

Okay.

Hmm.

Huh.

You can share with me.

Oh, uh,

I mean, you-you have
a great smile,

and I'm... I'm sure
you're all types of awesome,

but I'm not really
looking for any

romantic entanglements
right now, so...

Wow. I was really just offering
for you to share my table,

not my life.

Hey,

George, over here.

Um... I... uh...

Hi.

Hi. Thank you for meeting
me on such short notice.

Did you get a copy
of the lawsuit?

Yes. It's a nuisance suit.

- I can get it tossed in, like, ten seconds.
- That's what

- I keep telling Joel.
- Yeah, tell him not to worry

at all. I mean, it's the Truitt
brothers, for God sake.

I don't know
who's representing them,

but all I have to do is show up

wearing pants in court,
and we win.

Sorry. I couldn't
help but overhear.

You're George Tucker?

I...

I didn't realize
when we had met earlier.

I'm Connie Vincent,

Chicken Truitt's attorney,

and I have to say,
I did not expect

opposipo counsel to be
so presumptuous and insulting.

Uh, George, there were insults?

No.

I look forward to seeing you
in court tomorrow

and teaching you a thing
or two about humility.

Try not to forget your pants.

Don't worry.
I'll-I'll fix this.

Well, you better.

To another perfect
day in BlueBell.

With the most perfect

woman in town.

The most perfect creature

in the universe.

Oh.

In the galaxy...

which is actually bigger
than the universe.

- Oh.
- He said that?

I'm not sure that's true.

The pan-seared tuna
with a hint of rosemary,

a whiff a cumin.

Espinaca con garbanzos.

Oh, tortilla de patatas.

Oh, come on. Now you're just
making Spanish words up.

- Order more.
- So I had a thought.

How about you and I spend
the summer

in my family's beach home
in Dauphin Island?

- That would be perfect.
- Sí.

I take you to Majorca,
we watch the wild horses run.

You feel their power
in your very soul.

We sleep under the stars.

Oh.

Well, I mean, that would be...
that would be perfect.

Another drink?

Why not?

Aperitif?

Oh. Mais oui.

Night cap?

Down the hatch.

Mm.

Well, thank you

for dinner, Enrique.

It's Carter.

Oh.

I had a lovely time, Carter.

- Mi nombre es Enrique.
- Yes.

Sweet dreams to you, too.

Well, the good news is,
you are not pregnant.

Well, of course I'm not.

Prenatal fainting is not
a Breeland trait.

Your blood test looks good,
mono-spot's negative.

My best guess would
be you're exhausted.

I'm fine.

Lemon, you fainted.

That is a wake-up
call from your body.

Step off the social
merry-go-round.

Go on a boy cleanse.

You go on a boy cleanse.

Sorry. That was both
uncalled-for and too easy.

It's just... are there
any other alternatives?

Yes. Buy a helmet and keep
fainting all over town.

Hmm.

Well, it seems like

the medical establishment
agrees with you.

I don't have what it takes

- to date two people at once.
- Sweetie,

you're, like, on an episode of
The Bachelorette.

That never, ever ends.

Okay, I have to make a choice.

So I've made two lists:

reasons to date Carter,

and reasons to date Enrique.

Excellent!
And...?

It's a tie.

256 reasons each.

Lemon...

Listen, I just don't want to
make the wrong choice, AnnaBeth.

I have done that
too many times before.

I just...

I want the universe
to decide this one for me.

Well, we're just
gonna have to...

goose the universe
a little bit.

Take Lavon up on his offer.

Let your two boyfriends duel.

You date the winner.

How much are you
getting paid to babysit me?

Who says I'm getting paid?

Maybe I'm just doing it
for the love of the job.

They're paying me a lot.

Take a picture,
it'll last longer.

Hey, hey, uh, I don't suppose

your animals do any tricks?

What's that?

I mean, you wouldn't
happen to have,

you know, a horse that counts

or a sheep that juggles?

I mean, anything
to sell tickets.

Juggling sheep, huh?

See that little goat over there?

He does a pretty neat trick.

Week from Tuesday,

he's gonna turn into stew

and a half-dozen filets.

Goat stew?

Lemon?

Okay, Lavon.

Let's do it.

Carter and Enrique
can fight tomorrow.

Winner gets me.

Oh, oh, oh, thank you, Lemon.

You're saving my festival!

Bye.

Wake up, Duane.

We got tickets to sell, man!

Oh!

Hey.

Uh, thanks for meeting me here.

Oh, no, thank you
for allowing me

the opportunity to remove
my foot from my mouth.

Well, I'm glad that you called.

You know, I figure
we both want a fair trial.

Might as well do it over
some drinks and music.

Plus, I was here the other night

and you are gonna
love this act.

Oh. Great.

Great. And then
afterwards,

you and I can talk
about how your lawsuit

doesn't really stand a chance.

Ooh, someone's
feeling confident.

- A little.
- Ladies and gentlemen,

- please welcome to the stage
- Here we go, show's starting.

Miss Lily Anne Lonergan.

It's Lily Anne Lonergan.

I... I'm friends
with her.

Actually, I...
I sang with her.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

- You don't say.
- Thank you, BlueBell.

Those of you here last night

heard my new set,

inspired by summer on the road

touring with a guy
from around here.

I think she's talking about me.

A down-and-out lawyer
turned country crooner

who is maybe the saddest,

most unfortunate soul

I have ever met.

This first song's called
"Unlucky Tucky."

- Huh!
- I think

it is you.

♪ You're sad and you're lonely

♪ In your law-talking shoes

♪ No job and no sweetheart

♪ 'Cause all you do is lose ♪

♪ Unlucky Tucky

♪ Why do you feel so blue?

♪ Are you tired of being you?

♪ You keep takin' it
on the chin... ♪

- So...
- Mmm?

...just so I have this straight,

you heard this last night

and you thought
I might enjoy it?

Will it throw you off

if I refer to you as
"Unlucky Tucky"

in court tomorrow?

That is a low blow, counselor.

That is a low,
low, low, low blow.

Yeah.

Like low... like real low?

I'll see you in court.

♪ Unlucky Tucky

♪ You're unlucky, Tucky.

I'm sure Rose can handle Harley.

Look, it's a piece
of cake, all right?

They're watching the
festival get set up,

they have the bounce
house to themselves.

Harley does love
a bounce house.

And when they get hungry,
there's pizza and snacks

back over at my place,
all right?

They'll be fine.

Now, speaking of refreshments...

...which wine do you like
to go with your sailing?

Red or white?

One of each.

Ooh.

I want to enlist in your navy.

All right, let's hit it.

Already?

Hey, Rose, there better be
fire trucks on their way

to my house right now.

No fire but it's definitely
an emergency.

You have to come home.

This guy was being really mean
to his goat.

He says he was gonna
kill it and eat it.

Maybe not even in that order.

It really felt like
we had

no choice. We had
to liberate the goat.

Look at that face.

What do you
want us to do with it?

Can we take him home, Mom?

Oh. You know what?
Our neighborhood has a strict

no-goat policy.

But what's gonna happen?

He can't get eaten.

Well...

Oh, yeah. Well, um,
I'll guess I'll take care of it.

Come here, little guy.

- All right.
- See?

What are you
gonna do with him?

Oh, there's farm
animal sanctuaries.

Like a no-kill farm
where animals can run free.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll take him
to one of those.

You know, it'll be like a...
little goat spa.

It'll be-be great.
You know,

get a small Korean man
to give him

- a scrub and a...
- Okay. All right.

I'm gonna get
this little guy home.

That's a little too much
excitement for one day.

Okay.

Hey, um,

I'm sorry about tonight.

I was really
looking forward to it.

It's all right.
You know what next week is?

Our three month
and one week anniversary.

You do realize
you're not getting paid, hmm?

Chicken will drop
the lawsuit for 50 bucks

and one date with AnnaBeth.
We can talk her into one date.

A.B. is our friend.
We are not doing that to her.

It's offensive.

It's not offens...
What are you talking about?

You do stuff like this
all the time.

This is a typical BlueBell
escapade. I'm telling you,

on the scale of hijinks,
this is barely a three.

A.B. is still getting over
a breakup, okay?

She's not in a good place.
We are not setting her up

with Chicken. And I told you not
to talk to the Truitts.

Yes, but I did anyway and,
guess what, I found a solution.

Pimping out A.B.?

- It's not...
- Look, George Tucker

is handling this as we speak.
Would you just trust him?

Oh, my God, you guys
should have been at Fancie's.

Lily Anne Lonergan sang
the most amazing set,

and get this...
all about George Tucker.

What?
George was at Fancie's.

Oh, he left after
the first song.

I think he may have been
a little bothered by it.

Or maybe he's finally
getting seasick

from living on that boat.

He checked into
the Shamrock Motel.

Oh! Hot mulled wine.

Shamrock Motel?

So... new plan.

Why don't we set AnnaBeth
up with Chicken?

You think?

You'd be doing
what you're doing anyways--

fighting over me--

but in suits of armor,

in front of the whole town.

I mean, it makes sense, right?

Yes, but what makes
more sense is if...

If you just decide.

You know, think about it.

Tell us who you'd prefer.

Listen, I have already
pondered myself

into a dead faint.

I'm fine now,

but clearly this decision
is bigger than me.

Well, I did do some
stage fighting at university.

And my uncle was

a matador, so I have
smelled death up close.

This should be tamer than that.

Classic dueling rules apply.

The first man to lose
his weapon is out.

The winner gets to escort me
to the Renaissance Party,

and secures exclusive
dating rights,

as that's how things
were done back then.

I'm not sure
that's 100% accurate.

Please.

I see no other way.

Why, sí.

- Santiago y cierra!
- A duel it is!

No, no, BlueBell's
not that kind of town.

We have very little crime here.

Okay, look, you have
my word as mayor

that I will make this right.

All right?
We will find your goat.

Hey, let me call
you right back.

Wade?

Yeah?

Return the damn goat.

Will do.

Why'd you do that to me?

Guys, I'm having
second thoughts about this.

What?
No, no second thoughts.

Chicken's gonna
be here any minute.

Yeah, but he's still
gonna be Chicken.

Look-look at it this way.

You know?
We all kiss a lot of frogs

on our way to finding
Prince Charming.

But, you know...

Okay, fine, quit selling.

Because you are my friends,

I will do this.
Now go.

I need to mentally
prepare myself for this.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What do you think you're doing?

Waiting for a man
named Chicken:

the AnnaBeth Nass story.

Carter Covington?

Meatball.

I'm a big fan.

Any chance I could
get an autograph?

Sure.
You're fighting

Enrique Corona today.

Man, have you got guts.

You know it's just
for show, right?

What?

Oh, yeah, sure.

But they did

tell you about Enrique, right?

What am I saying?
Of course they did.

Told me what?

Oh, you know.

How he killed three men

in Renaissance duels in Europe.

Ah, the third guy

he didn't kill,

but a life without both arms?

What kind of life
is that, am I right?

Hey, good luck today.

Knock 'em dead.

Oh, this is amazing.

The big duel's gonna sell out

and get you your
perfect boyfriend.

This is a good day, Lemon.

Yeah...

What's wrong?

Lavon, I have no idea
who I'm rooting for.

If I end up with Carter,

does that mean that
I'm just limiting myself

to the safe and
the comfortable?

Drawing the boundaries
of Lemon Breeland

in permanent ink?

Well, the winner
could be Enrique.

He-he's full
of surprises.

Sure, I mean, Enrique is

one adventure after another.

But what happens when
the novelty wears off

and we're left with
no common ground?

Then we're like a...
like a tiger

and an Indian boy
in a very small boat.

Yeah, I didn't get
that movie either.

Look, the good news is...

it's up to the universe now.

Oh! Oh, come on.

The opening act's
about to start.

A.B.?

Uh... the date's over already?

How'd it go?

It didn't.

What do you mean?

I mean he never showed.

What? Well, that doesn't
make any sense.

So... for those of you
following at home,

not only do I have
no love in my life,

I just got stood up
by Chicken Truitt.

Best Renaissance Faire ever.

Oh, poor AnnaBeth.

Yeah.
Poor AnnaBeth.

Poor us.
Plan "B" didn't work.

We're supposed to be in court.

Still radio silence
from George?

I'm working on a Plan "C."

Okay, good.
Good.

As long as it
doesn't involve you

passing yourself
off as a lawyer

because you've seen
Legally Blonde six times.

Oh, come on, seriously?

That was it?

It's a really good movie.

We're screwed.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are halfway through
our opening duel,

and Sir Tom Long is

really taking a beating
from Sir Maliska.

Tom, d... No!

Y'all, this truly could
be a day to dismember!

Sorry we're late.

Yeah, we went past
the petting zoo and...

Laszlo was in there!

My goat.

He named him.

You promised you'd bring Laszlo

to a no-kill goat spa.

But you gave him back.

Look, Harley,

I had no choice, all right?

Lavon got a call from the guy.

You stole his goat, buddy.

Now he's gonna
turn him into stew!

And eat him!

Mmm...

Okay. Hey.

Harley...

let's go see a guy
about a goat, huh?

All right.

You win, you win.

I'm...

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have come to the end
of our opening duel.

But please, don't go anywhere,

because we have
our main event coming up.

The Hella in BlueBella.

Sir Carter versus Sir Enrique

and they'll be dueling
for the lovely heart

of Queen Lemon.

Enrique Corona, right?

Yes?

Meatball.

Big fan.

Any chance I can
get an autograph?

I remind you

that the winner of this duel

will be escorting Queen Lemon

to the Renaissance Party
tonight.

Now, Sir Carter,

Sir Enrique,

please enter the ring!

Uh, knights, again...

please enter the ring!

What's happening?

Where are they?

Uh, trouble

putting on their armor, maybe?

Sir Carter! Sir Enrique!

I command that
you enter the ring!

Is anybody gonna fight for
the hand of Queen Lemon?

This
is getting embarrassing.

I will fight for Queen Lemon!

Oh, thank God.

Well, speak your name, knight.

You can call me...

...Sir Meatball.

Oh, no.
Oh, no-no-no-no.

This isn't happening.

Your Royal Highness,
it looks like I'm flying solo.

Doth that not mean
I win by default?

Lavon, you better fix this,

or I swear to God,
heads will roll.

Doth it?

Hey, check out Laszlo.
He's happy as a clam.

Hey, hey, goatburger,

Give me that, dummy!

You're going to be one
sorry shish kebab.

Shish kebab! Ah!

Maybe, uh...
maybe, let's go.

I've reviewed the complaint.
Have we reached a settlement?

Oh, we tried, Your Honor,
but as opposing counsel

couldn't even bother
to attend this hearing,

we move for a directed verdict
in our favor.

Wait!

Your Honor, as famous attorney
Elle Woods once said...

Elle Woods?

Legally Blonde?

Sit down.

Now I am inclined to rule
for the plaintiff.

Has anybody heard from...?

George Tucker for the defense,
Your Honor.

Nice of you to join us.

Does Unlucky Tucky
need a new watch?

I do apologize to the court

for my tardiness.

However, I am about to save
you a whole lot of time.

The complaint in front of you

is nothing more than a glorified
nuisance suit, Your Honor,

which is the legal equivalent
of hawking a loogie

on the sidewalk of justice.

The loogie defense? Nice.

Objection, Your Honor.

Despite his colorful imagery,

Mr. Tucker calling this
a nuisance suit

does not actually make it
a nuisance suit.

True. But what does
make it a nuisance suit

is a complete and total
lack of evidence

on the plaintiff's part.

I have here three medical
reports refuting

Chicken Truitt's injuries.

Did you really think
I would miss those?

As well as precedents
established

by Pearson v. Chung,
Maxey v. Jefferson County,

and Mahoney v. Loma Alta...

an opinion you yourself
wrote, Your Honor.

And let us not forget

the basic rules of fair play
as taught to us by our mamas.

Your Honor, I move
for a brief recess

so we can have
some time to review

this new evidence.

Okay. Well, legally speaking,
this is what the court refers

to as a no-brainer.
Case dismissed.

Yeah! Dude,

I don't want to tell you
I told you so, but...

Well, you just did.
Hey, counselor,

Unlucky Tucky just kicked
your ass.

Ah.

I have reviewed
the official rules,

and in the absence
of an opponent,

I now declare Sir Meatball

the victor.

Not so fast.

I, Sir Lavon Hayes...
Oh, oh, sorry, sorry.

Sir Mayor Lavon Hayes
challenge Sir Meatball

for the hand of Queen Lemon.

Seems we got a fight.

Sir Meatball accepts
the challenge.

Sir Meatball concedes defeat.

I now declare Sir Lavon Hayes
to be the victor.

And he has won the hand
and the heart of Queen Lemon.

And he will be escorting her

to the Renaissance Party
tonight.

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Oh! Oh, please, could
somebody please help me?

I'm very dizzy! Oh!

Oh. Here-here
you go, young lady.

Take my stool.

Oh, I think
I need to sit, yeah.

Ooh, so thirsty.

Oh, easy does it.

I think I
just got overwhelmed.

You know, by the

the vapors, I think.
The vapors?

Oh, I thought we'd
eradicated them.

Whoo!

Deep breaths.

Go, go, go, go, go.

♪ My mama said

♪ "Be careful where
you lay your head" ♪

We really can't
thank you enough.

No, no, any time.

It was truly my pleasure.

Although, I do have to ask,

was it just my imagination,

or were you guys losing
confidence in me a little bit?

Well, I mean, you did cut it
a little close.

And we weren't sure
you were gonna make it.

That is the power of a
dramatic entrance, my friend.

That's trial strategy 101.

Well, you have been a little
broken up over Tansy.

And the last time you were
broken up over Tansy...

I know, I know.

You heard I melted into a puddle
of despair, pizza and tears.

No one said tears.

Well, guess what?
That was then.

George Tucker, capable of
tremendous personal growth. Boom.

Well, you know, it's just that you
checked into the Shamrock Motel,

and I knocked, and you
didn't let me in.

I checked into
the Shamrock Motel

'cause the plumbing
on my boat is out

and my office has mold.

And I probably didn't hear you

'cause I had headphones on.

I like to listen to '90s R&B
when I'm prepping for a trial.

Come on, guys.
Show a little faith.

Show a little faith.
Show a little...

That's what I said.
That's what I told her.

Liar!

Liar.
I did!

Liar!

♪ "Where you lay your head" ♪

Hey, Tom, Wanda,

I need to talk
to you for a sec.

You have to speak up.
Tom's hearing's still bad

from getting thumped
by that other knight.

How would you two
like to raise a baby goat?

No questions asked?

Oh, sweetie.

Can I touch it?!

Well, boys,
it was, uh, brave of you

to show your faces here.

It almost makes up for your
absence in the ring today.

Almost, but you know, not quite.

I am sorry about that.
Many apologies.

I thought Enrique here was gonna
chop me limb from limb.

Sí. The Meatball

said Carter would eat my heart.

Well, you know what?

I think that it's-it's
probably for the best.

I think it's time

that we said our good-byes.

You couldn't decide?

No, this is my decision.

Carter, my daddy's
gonna miss you,

so just drop him a line
every now and then.

And, Enrique, I'm so sorry

that you lost your job
with my grandma.

A door shuts,
and a window opens.

I've secured a new job.

Driving
Mr. Carter Covington.

Well, tha-that's delightful
and a little strange,

but, uh, have safe travels.

Uh, ciao.

Farewell.

♪ It's a winding path

♪ Between the highway
and the coast ♪

♪ Where we lost
what mattered most ♪

♪ It dissipated in the sun...

May we have the king and queen,
please?

It is time for the royal dance.

Uh, well, someone
looks relieved.

Ugh, Lavon, I've never
been so happy to be single.

You know why I couldn't pick?

'Cause neither one was the one?

Exactly.
Oh.

Not on their own, but together,

together they were perfect.

If only I could put 'em
in a blender

and make a boyfriend smoothie.

Wow. I am so grateful

that technology does
not yet exist.

You keep looking, Lemon.
You're gonna find your smoothie.

So will you.

Um... why don't we split up
and go mingle?

Uh, yeah, you took
the words right out

of my mouth, Your Highness.

Beg pardon, m'lady.

Would it be all right
if I bought

the most beautiful maiden
in here a drink?

I don't know. Who are you?

Your knight in shining armor.

Meatball?

Okay, no Meatball.
Chicken?

Okay, knight in shining armor,

one drink.

Uh! You know what?
Let's, uh, keep the helmet on.

Try not to ruin
the mystery until we have to.

Bye.
Hey!

The lawsuit went away!

Your book is gonna be a movie!

I told you it would work out.

Stick with me, kid.

You should use that line
in your screenplay.

Joel, what's the matter?

Well, I just got off the phone
with Bets.

And?

And I have to go to Los Angeles.

What? When?
Yeah.

The studio wants me out there
as soon as possible,

uh, start work on the script,
meet everybody.

Well, how long
are you gonna be gone?

They said... six months.

What?

Come here.