Harry Enfield and Chums (1994–1999): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

[theme music plays]


Oh, I admire Armstrong, yes.

I admire any man who can go
to the moon and back.

And he'd be welcome round our place
for his tea any time he liked.

As long as he behaved himself,
eh, Frank?

Oh, he'd have to behave himself,

We don't tolerate bad behaviour
in our house from anyone,

not even Armstrong.

Quite right, Frank.

I mean if we just sat down
at the table,

the wife's just brought the food in,
and nicely presenting it is too...

I can picture it.

When suddenly,
there's this strange suckin' noise.

It's Armstrong. He's only brought
his own food along in a liquid form,

in a belt pouch, and started
suckin' it noisily through a straw!

I should say, "Oi! Armstrong! No.

You're not on your lunar module now.

Pick up your knife and fork
and eat your Findus Chicken Italiennes

in a terrestrial fashion!"

You'd be well in order there, Frank.

Your wife cooked them Chicken Italiennes
with her own fair hand.

Quiet, George. I haven't finished.

If then, right, he starts regaling us

with the story of the final splash-down
to Earth,

all right, fair enough.
It's an interesting story.

But suddenly... [sniffing]

there's this strange smell.

Oh, no!


What a prize tosser!

He's openly urinating into his suit
at our dining table.

I should say, "Oi! Armstrong!


That's a nice suit
but not a space suit.

It don't contain
a sophisticated system of tubin'

for the disposal of bodily waste!

If you wish to go to the toilet,
put up your hand and ask for permission

and permission will be granted.

We are fair people!"

You're more than fair, Frank.

The guy has made
a giant step for mankind,

you'd think he'd be able to manage
a couple of little steps up to the toilet

on a mezzanine landing.

Frank, you wanna take him
to one side,

cop him, give him a slap
and say, "Listen, son,

you're supposed to be an ambassador
for all humankind on its triumphant march

to the furthest stars.
Now act like one!"

I tell you, if that bastard
Armstrong ever shows his face

round my neck of the woods,

it'll be the last time
he boldly goes anywhere!

- Low-life!
- Vermin!

My name is Michael Paine

and I'm a nosey neighbour.

Now, Mr Johnson at number 40
is supposed to have given up smoking,

but he sometimes has a sly fag
out the bedroom window.

A bleedin' sly fag, mind!

Not a lot of people know
that I know that, but I do.

My name is Michael Paine.

[commentator] Lobbed for Cantona
but Kanchelskis makes something of it.

Here's Cantona!

[crowd cheering]

Simply the best.

Well, that goal by Cantona,
clearly the turning point in the match,

but, uh, what did our experts think?

Only me. He didn't want to let
the ball in, the goalkeeper.

He wanted to save it
so it wouldn't be a goal.

He doesn't want to be there, where he is;
he wants to be there, where the ball is,

then he can stop it going past.

- Jimmy Hill?
- Well, I agree with Don't.

I mean, he certainly doesn't want
to let the ball go

into the back of the net
because that,

as any professional goalkeeper
should know,

a goal is scored
and he didn't wanna do that.

He didn't wanna do that.

And furthermore,
taking the game as a whole,

Wimbledon certainly made
a very basic football error

by allowing Manchester United
to score more goals than they did

because that meant
that they lost the game.

And as a man of your experience
will know, Des...

They didn't wanna do that?

- They didn't wanna do that.
- They didn't wanna do that.

They didn't, they should have ensured

that they scored more goals
than they let in,

thereby winning the game
and not losing it,

because losing games in football
is not something they wanted to do.

Winning? Yes.
Losing? You don't wanna do that.

I'm glad to see I've finally met
someone of a like mind.

My name is Michael Paine
and I am a nosey neighbour.

Now, not a lot of people know
that I know this,

but Mrs Higgins at number 20
claims to be a vegetarian.

Yet I saw her in the butcher's
buying two pound of Cumberland sausages.

Two pound of Cumberland sausages!

Now how can you trust
a woman like that?

Have I missed him?

No. It's still that young girl
doing the weather.

Get off, you silly moo!
We want Mr Rotavator.

Oh, here he is!

- Young man!
- Young man!

Oh, we think
you're lovely, Mr Rotavator.

You're like a lovely dark version
of Arthur Askey.

I tell you what, Mr Rotavator,

you can go through my undergrowth
any time you like.

Young man,
there may be snow on my roof,

but there's a roaring fire in me grate.

- Oh, if I was your age...
- If you were our age...

[both] Young man!

- [doorbell ringing]
- Oh. There's the doorbell.


That'll be the lovely young gas man.

- How do I look?
- Gorgeous!

- [Hild] Hello, young man.
- Cooee!

Hello, ladies.

- Have I come too early?
- Oh, young man!

You wash your mouth out with soap
and water, you naughty young man.

Young man!

Where's the lovely dark boy
that was here yesterday?

He begged me to come today.
Um, so, where's the gas leak this time?

You're a lovely young man too,
you know, young man.

You know,
we think you're the spitting image

- of a young Lester Piggott.
- Right.

- If you can just show me--
- Go on, show us your muscles.

Yeah, if you could just show me
where you smelt the gas, eh?

Oh, you saucy devil!

- It's in the bedroom this time.
- Follow us.

No, ladies, ladies.
You haven't got any appliances upstairs.

Oh, appliances!

Do you hear that, Glad?
Appliances, young man!

From Ann Summers,
young man!


How could you say such a thing,
you saucy monkey, at your age?

- At our age, young man!
- Young man!

Well, shall I just check over
your pipework then?

[both] Oh.

How could you say such a thing
to a couple of old ladies?

Young man.

Well, look, if it's not your pipework,
what have you got me around here for?

Oh, you are strict.

In the kitchen, young man.
The grill, it don't work.

Right, thank you.

So if you fancy a nice bit of crumpet,
you'll just have to make do with us.

You can stick your poker
between my muffins any time!

- Oh, how could you say such a thing?
- There you go again, young man.

Can I get through, please?
Can I just get through?

No, no, no, no.

First things first.
We've made you a little snack.

Tuck in, young man.


Breathe in, Hild.
Smell his lovely sweaty, sweaty sweat.


And look at his lovely bulge,
he's like a young Desert Orchid.

Now, look, ladies.

How about you two just stay here, right?

I'll get my box to-- spanners,

and go through into the kitchen
and get on with my work.


- Get on the job up my back passage?
- With all your tackle out?

[both] Young man!

- Let's go for it.
- All right, Glad.

Ladies, please.

You get his top off.
I'll get his down-belows.


Stop struggling,
you naughty young gas man.

- You're obviously gaggin' for it.
- [man] Help!

Don't you just love
being in control?

My name is Michael Paine

and I am a nosey neighbour.

Now, Mrs Bolton, at number 12,
has a birthmark on her left breast.

Not a lot of people know
that I know that,

but I've got a good view
through her bathroom window.

Through her bloody bathroom window!
Yes. Oh, yes.

Thanks, Mum.

- Kevin.
- What?

- Are you gonna thank your mum?
- Ugh.


- Are you going to say thank you?
- I just bloody did!

Forget it, Dave. It's not worth it.

Oh, this is lovely, Mum.

- How was the exam today?
- All right.

- What was it today? Maths?
- No. [mumbles]

- I'm sorry, what did you say?
- Ugh! Physics!

Well, we can't hear you
if you mumble, Kevin.

- [doorbell rings]
- Ugh. [mumbles]

- [Kevin] All right, Perry?
- All right, Kev?

Here, guess what I've done
at school today.

I rubbed up against Jennifer Fisher
and me Brian went hard.

[Dave] Hello, Perry.

Hello, Perry. How are you?

Hello, Mr Paterson, Mrs Paterson.

- How are your mum and dad?
- All right, thank you.

Come on, Perry, let's go.

- Kevin.
- What?

Where do you think you're going
with all that food?

Bedroom, snack.

Your dinner's on the table,
come and finish it.

Ugh! Perry.

Perry can join us.
Now come and sit down.

- [Sheila] Yeah.
- Ugh! It's so unfair!

Come on, Perry.

Now, do you want something to eat, Perry?

- No, thank you, Mrs Paterson.
- Are you sure?

He just bloody said no!

- Kevin, don't shout at your mother.
- What? I didn't say anything. What?

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Perry, I think you've known us long enough

not to call us
Mr and Mrs Paterson anymore.

- Ugh.
- Just call us Dave and Sheila.

- Ugh.
- Is that okay, Perry?

Yes, Mrs Paterson.

So, what sort of music do you like
at the moment, Perry?

I think Bad Boys Inc are rather fun.

Bad Boys Inc suck, Mrs Paterson.


- So, who do you like, then?
- We only like Snoop Doggy Dogg.

- Oh, from Peanuts?
- Ugh!

- I'm finished. Come on, Perry.
- No, no, darling.

- You've still got pudding.
- I don't want any bloody pudding!

It's chocolate choc-chip
chocolate ice-cream with chocolate sauce.

But you don't have to have any
if you don't want it.


- Perry, would you like--
- Yes, please, Mrs Paterson, please.

Thank you, Mrs Paterson, please.
Thank you.

Have you got a girlfriend yet,

[both snigger]

I remember I got my first girlfriend
when I was about your age.

Tracey Thornton.

I remember our first snog
outside the cinema.


I was 14 when I had my first snog.

I gotta go to the toilet.

You're so bloody embarrassing!

Why can't you be
a nice, polite boy like Perry?

- [phone ringing]
- What? What's wrong with me?

What's bloody wrong with me, eh?

[polite voice] Hello, Mrs Carter.
Yes, Perry is here, yes.

I'm very well, thank you.

Yes. Would you like to speak to him,

- Yes. Perry... [grunting] it's your mum.
- Ugh!

[shouts] What?

No, I don't want to!

No, it's so unfair! I hate you!
You're so bloody embarrassing! I hate you!

[politely] I gotta go now, Mrs Paterson.
Thank you.

- Cheerio, Perry.
- Bye-bye, Perry.

- [Kevin] See you, Perry.
- [Perry] Night.

So you like him more than me, do you?

I hate you!
I wish I'd never been born!


- What are you doing?
- I am smokin' a fag.

Yeah, but--
Capstan Full-Strength?

That's because I'm smoking for two.

Oh, lover!

My name is Michael Paine

and I am a nosey neighbour.

Now, Mr Wilkins over the road
finally married the Jewish girl.

Not only did he take on her religion,
but he also had the snip.

Ouch. It don't really bear
thinkin' about, does it?

Not a lot of people know
that I know that but I've got these.

I bought them at Dixons!

So, if I show you what needs doing,
you can see what you think.

- Is your husband in, madam?
- Uh, no.

- Good.
- Uh...

it's just that dripping tap.

[hisses] Look at that, Lance.
Look at this tilin' here, madam.


Just come off in me hand.

I mean, whoever put this tap in,
it's leaked.

- It's all damp. Whole thing.
- Whole thing will have to be redone.

Take a look outside, Lance.

Yeah, there is an outside.

- Whole thing will have to be repointed.
- Whole thing will have to be redone.

Basically, madam,
if you wanna stop this tap leaking,

what we're gonna have to do
is knock these walls down,

RSJ 'em, new studwork,

rip up the floor,
put in a semi-permeable membrane,

knock down your entire house
and start again from scratch.

Whole thing will have to be redone.

And it's all because of the joker,
the comedian, who put that tap in.

I mean, who done that?

- Who done that?
- Who done that?

- It was--
- Who done that?

Who done that?
'Cause whoever done that,

they want to be chucked out
the Builders' Guild.

- You wanna sue 'em?
- Shoot 'em, more like.

What you wanna do then, madam,
you wanna string them up.

No, stringing 'em up,
is too good for 'em, Lee.

What you wanna do, right,
you wanna buy 'em an ice-cream

on a really hot day, right,
and hide some slugs in it.

I mean, who done it?
'Cause whoever done that, madam,

you wanna knock their teeth out
with a hammer

and set fire to their pet rabbits,
don't you?

Yeah, you wanna send 'em back
to the age of the dinosaurs

and see what a velociraptor
would make of their dodgy plumbing.

I'll tell you what you wanna do you,

you wanna get my mate Gripper around,
here's his number,

and get him to put lighted matches
under the geezer's fingernails,

and carve "Gripper" on his forehead
with a razor blade.

Yeah, or better still, right,
go around his house

and paint all his light bulbs black,

so when he turns 'em on,
it actually goes darker

and he bumps into his furniture.

Or better still, right,
go around his house

and trick him into contravening Article 73
of the UN Security Resolution,

so that he incurs the wrath
of the world's major military powers.

You wanna burn him alive,
bury him alive

or in some other way kill him... alive.

You wanna momentarily
distract his attention

and gob in his lasagne.

I am sorry, but who done that?
I mean, who done that?

Who put that tap in? Who done it?
It wasn't us, by the way, was it?

No, no. It was my husband.

Right, I see, so what you want us to do
is to knock down your house,

totally rebuild it,

and savagely murder your husband.
I think...

Yeah, yeah.
Any chance for a cup of tea?

- Eight sugars for me, please, my love.
- Twelve for me, please, darlin'.

Fifteen for me, please, sweetheart.

[man 1] I wanna be a traffic warden.

I wanna be a wheel clamper.

I wanna be an air traffic controller
and get drunk.

I wanna cut down the rainforest.

I wanna cut down
on me personal hygiene.

I wanna appoint Graham Taylor
as the next England football manager.

I want Michael Barrymore
to wake up one morning

and find he's only four foot six.

I wanna put razor blades
in Pedigree Chum.

I wanna develop a cure
for all illnesses

and not tell anyone about it.

I want him to eat that shepherd's pie
I laced with cat medicine.

I want him to drink that tea
I laced with urine.

[both retching]

[both] Ya bugger!

My name is Michael Paine

and I am a nosey neighbour.

Now, Mr Thomas at 18b
is supposed to be off the booze,

but every night when he walks the dog,

he pops into the engineer
for a swift pint in a thin glass.

A thin glass, mind!

Now, his wife is aware of this
and he suspects that she knows,

though they've never discussed it.

Not a lot of people know
that I know that he knows

that she knows
that he knows that, but I do.

You've got to see it.
I mean, it's really, really funny.

There's blood everywhere.

The bit where this Johnny
gets his ear sliced off is a scream!

- [woman laughs]
- The girl in front of us

honked into her popcorn!

- [Tim] Charlie!
- Oh.

Sorry, burnt the tamarasalata.

Let's go straight to the main course.
What's on the blackboard?

Um, bit of a speciality of mine, actually.

Spag bol a la Timbo.

- What's that when it's at home?
- Actually, it's, um, fish fingers.

I was doing spag bol
when I remembered I'd forgotten

- a couple of the ingredients.
- Which ones?

The spag and the bol.

Sorry, Charlie. Just a bit nervous
'cause I'm trying to impress Emma.

Bloody nice girl, isn't she?

Oh, Tim, you daft bugger,
forget the crapola cooking.

Tottie's not impressed
with all that New Man bollocks.

The way to tottie's heart
is through your wallet.

Oh, that's the trouble,
I'm a bit stony at the moment

since I've lost me job at Sotheby's.

Yeah, a bit of a crossed line
during a telephone auction.

Flogged a Renoir
to a mini-cab firm for £11.50.

Unfortunate, that, yeah.

Look, Tim, as an old mate,

I can let you take over my slice
of some pretty tasty action.

- Really?
- Mm.

And there's no cash up front,
you just stump up some collateral

against a pretty minimal liability risk.
Do you understand?

- No.
- Good.

You just sign here

and the cash will start flowing quicker
than a vindaloo after ten pints of wallop.

Oh, I'm not just signing anything,

It's a napkin.

Oh, right.
That's okay, then.

I'll fill in the rest later.

Good. And you can go and tell Emma
that you're now seriously loaded.

you are now officially a name at Lloyd's.

- Grub's off, everyone. Let's get stinko.
- Oh, rah!

Thought we'd stick
to the old champers tonight

as I'm celebrating being pretty
seriously loaded at the moment.

How marvellous. Sit down next to me
and tell me all about it.




Good morning, Mrs P.

Sorry about the mess, uh...

still, bloody good night, last night.

We played charades.

Charlie did Robocop one, two and three.

You might like to start
on the bathroom.

You'll find it in there
in the kitchen.

What's this? Bumf from Charlie
about Lloyd's!

"Dear, Tim, good luck with Lloyd's.

You're henceforth a member
of the following syndicates,

'Big Quake, Tide Wave, Oil Spill."

Good old Charlie. A real mate.

Oh, no!

Major chiz, Mrs P.
England are 181 for 5.

[phone ringing]


Crikey, that's quick.


Yeah, I'll be right over.
Thanks very much.

Well, believe me Mrs P,
I joined Lloyd's last night

and already there's five million owing.
I'm off to collect my winnings.

Ah, good, a parking space.

[car crashes]

Pity there was someone in it.

[Tim] Hello, Dobson.

Haven't seen you since you were expelled

for robbing the tuck shop
at penknife point.

Ah, Nice but Dim, come in.

- Head Prefect! How was Borstal?
- Don't be silly, Nice but Dim.

That was a very long time ago.

Now, you received a telephone call
from us this morning

saying that you owe us five million quid.

I owe you five million pounds?

Yes, that's right, Nice but Dim.

We're going to have
to take your credit cards,

your bank account,
your building society account,

- your car and your house.
- Yikes!

And your parents' house,
and their parents' houses.

- Anything else?
- Empty your pockets, would you?

Colouring-in pens.

Swiss army penknife.

- Put it on the table, will you?
- Oh, no, you can't have this.

It's essential equipment
for getting Champagne corks

- out of chaps' eyes.
- Hand it over.

I think that's absolutely outrageous!

Now your credit card company

says you bought something
at a jeweller's this morning.


Bit of a diamond engagement ring
for my fiancée, Emma.

Thank you.

Bloody nice ring, isn't it?

The engagement's off anyway.

I'm afraid your credit rating
no longer matches her requirements.

Well, that's it, then.

You've cleaned me out.


'Tis a grand, fine box, sir.
A lot of enquiries about this one.

I must admit, it is a bloody nice box.
Bit small though, isn't it?

[gasps] But look,
'tis a beautiful use of space.

Very suitable for a first-time buyer.

And see, it gets the light the whole day.

Do you see what I mean now,
you gullible twat?

Yeah, I certainly do.

- I'll buy it.
- Good.

Ah, it's a wise choice, sir.

An excellent location,
spittin' distance of the city.

[man spits]

Get a job, you bloody scrounger,

before I have you arrested for harassment.

Charlie! Champion gob!
Knew it had to be you.

Nice but Dim?
What on earth happened to you?

- Lloyd's.
- [Charlie] Oh, you bloody Idiot.

You should've got out
before it got too late.

I saw the whole thing coming.

Dumped all my liabilities
on some unsuspecting...


Blimey! Wish I'd thought of that, Charlie.
Wish I had your brains.

Yes, well, that's all. Very interesting.
I've gotta get on and pork Emma.

Yeah, it's starting to rain.

Give me your cardboard box.
Don't want to get my brolly wet.

All right.

Oh, well.

Cheerio, world.

Bit of a bish. Never did have
much of a head for heights.

- Hello, Head Prefect.
- Shut up, Nice but Dim, and listen.

Now, Lloyd's has taken
a lot of flak recently

and we've got to show the world

that we're willing
to put our house in order,

which is why we want you to head up
our internal fraud inquiry.

- I don't follow you.
- That's precisely what we had in mind.

It will clear all your debts,
give you an enormous salary

and, uh, throw in this.


Oh! Careful, you half-wit!


Attaboy, Charlie.

So you've been head of this inquiry
for nine months.

- Have you found anything?
- Not yet, no.

But, uh, I'll let you in on a secret
in confidence.

- Yeah?
- This week I came damn near

to finding my office.

[woman] Charlie! Charlie!
Come here at once!

- God, I envy you, Charlie.
- Coming, darling.

Good old Emma.

What a thoroughly, bloody,
gorgeously, lovely, young tottie!

Armstrong! Out!

And don't come back!


The show is not over
until the fat bloke sings.

♪ Only the crumbliest
Flakiest chocolate ♪

♪ Tastes like chocolate
Never tasted before! ♪