Harry Enfield and Chums (1994–1999): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

[theme music playing]

Yeah, just looking after the shop
for Sophie.

No sweat, no.

Yeah, I've seen this antiques' lark
on telly. It's a piece of cake.

Uh-oh, customer alert. Bye, Ma.

Sorry, Pa. [snorts]

Dim of me.

You, ah, looking for anything
in particular, sir?

Ah, just browsing.

Ah, Browsing.

Browsing, oh.



I don't think we've got anything
by Browsing, sir.

Anything else?

Who was this done by?

Right. Yeah. Well, I know about this one.
This was actually done by, um, a painter.

Yes, one can tell
by the paintbrush strokes.

- Yes, but it's by--
- That's how one can tell.

It was done by an Impressionist?

Really?

Gosh, well, [chuckles] he's done a bloody
good impression of a painting, hasn't he?

Looks just like a real one.

Oh, can you, uh,
can you tell me about this?

Yeah, certainly can, sir.
That's actually what we call a vase, um...

They were used by people in antique times
to keep flowers in.

They were obviously somewhere
along the way



the flowers have gone missing.

So, uh, it's incomplete.

But still, a very good example of, um...

a vase.

Where's it from?

Ah well, it's probably from a mantelpiece.

Or possibly from a table, yeah.

Oh yeah, they used to keep, uh,

them on big tables
or sometimes small ones.

Or perhaps on top of a piano.

- Three hundred pounds?
- Yeah, it is a bit steep, isn't it?

- [snorting]
- Would you, ah--

would you be prepared to negotiate?

Gosh. [snorts]

I suppose so.
Yeah, seems reasonable.

In fact, uh, Charlie and I did a bit
of haggling on a school trip to Morocco.

So you could say,
Haggle's my middle name. [snorts]

Except it isn't, of course, it's--

It's Tim.

Tim Tim Nice-but-Dim.

Pa couldn't think of any other name.

Anyway... haggle away. [snorts]

All right, uh...

- how about 200?
- Done!

Thanks very much. I enjoyed that.

- How about a cheque?
- Oh no, it's okay. I've got cash.

Here we go. Two hundred pounds.

- Thanks very much for your custom.
- That's my pleasure.

What a thoroughly bloody nice bloke.

Sophie will be chuffed.

Actually...

while I'm here...

Ten o'clock this morning, right.
This big lorry came up here.

These four men got out. Went from house
to house, got a big black bags

out of the round metal things,
put them on the pavement.

Then, the lorry came up.

Men picked the black bags up, stuck them
in the back of the lorry, and then gone.

Just gone.

Ah, these poor souls were still in bed.
They didn't know anything about it.

Oh, it's lucky I was here.
We'd be none the wiser.

[Glad and Hild] Good morning, young man!

Morning, lovely,
wobbly, randy old ladies.

And what have we got for me
to handle today, then?

[both] Ooh, young man!

- You keep your hands to yourself, I say.
- Young man!

- At your age!
- At our age!

- At your age!
- At our age!

[both] Young man!

- No, no. The-- the washing.
- What you got today, Hild?

- Smalls. How about you, Glad?
- Smalls.

Smalls, young man.

[both] Smalls, smalls
and more lovely smalls.

Right, can I take your smalls off you?
Get going.

Ooh, young man!

Nobody's taken me smalls off me
and got me going for a long time.

Me neither. Chance'd be a fine thing.

- At our age!
- At your age!

- At our age!
- At your age!

[both] Young man!

Cor, they're hardly small,
your smalls, are they?

- They're enormous.
- Gigantic.

[both] We've got huge smalls.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

Ladies, would you like to sit
on our seats?

Ooh, young man! Sit on your seats!

- At our age!
- At your age!

- At our age!
- Young man!

- Let's go for it, Hild.
- All right, Glad.

Oh, lovely.

Ooh. Here, Glad. Have a little bit
of a wriggle about.

Ooh!

Oh, I do like that, yes.

- It's good, isn't it?
- Ooh.

Here, Hild, I've had a bit
of a day of it today.

Ooh, young man! Have you, Glad?

I have. I was just coming out
the post office,

this young man came up to me.

Lovely young man, he was.
Spitting image of George Formby.

- Oh, lovely!
- Lovely.

He came up to me. He said,
"Excuse me, madam.

Have you got the time?"

- I said, "Young man!"
- Young man!

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
At your age! At my age!"

- At your age!
- Young man!

[boys moaning]

Oh... Hild, I think
my one's stopped breathing.

- Oh... so has mine.
- Only one thing for it, then.

[both] Give 'em the kiss of life!

Here, Glad. Don't forget
to loosen his clothing.

Oh, would I forget a thing like that?

Ooh, who's a big boy, then?

[both] Young man!

[window smashes]

[rattling]

[window smashes]

[door opens]

[window smashes]

- Hey!
- Hey!

Hey, Plums, that's my video,

- give that back.
- Yeah, well. That's my bloody Nintendo!

- Hey, but that's my CD player!
- You thieving bastard!

Me? It's people like you
that are giving Scousers a bad name.

- Oh, yeah?
- Hey, calm down, calm down.

Can you tell me what this is about?

A month ago, my mum stopped moving.

And these men come along
and they put her in a box.

And then, they dug this big hole
in the ground...

and they put the box with my mum in it

in the hole in the ground
and then covered it up.

My mum!

I mean, what's going on there?

Now, in the world of light entertainment,
there are only three contenders

for the crown.

Barrymore, Forsyth and of course,
Edmonds.

Oh, Edmonds stands apart.
Oh, I love his work.

In my opinion, the House Party
is a thing of genius

at which laughter is compulsory.

He certainly is a comical nutcase.

- Oh, yes, you have to laugh at Edmonds.
- You do.

I caught my son not laughing at him
the other day. I gave him a slap.

Quite right, Frank.
The antics at Crinkley Bottom call

- for compulsory mirth.
- They certainly do.

Mind you... much as I admire his work,

if Edmonds came down our pub
for a lunchtime drinking session,

had a few too many,

and came into the family room,
where I'm sitting enjoying a Guinness

with the wife enjoying a Lime cordial
and a kiddie enjoying a Coke.

If Edmonds came in, pissed up,
and started using blue language

- in front of my wife and kids...
- You'd be up there like a shot, Frank.

I'd be up there like a shot, George.
"Oi, Edmonds! No!

I admire your uncanny ability

to tickle the nation's
Saturday evening funny-bone,

but I do not admire your blue language
in front of my wife and kids!"

I'd give him a slap!

"Out the pub! Edmonds,
you get yourself back to Crinkley Bottom

and wash your mouth out
with soap and water."

Quite right, Frank. We cannot allow
our popular weekend entertainers

- to act like hooligans.
- We can't afford it as a nation.

- I mean, I admire Black.
- Oh, Black's the consummate entertainer.

No one can put a contestant at their ease
like Black does on Blind Date.

And she'd be welcome to walk down
my road any time she like,

but if she lobbed a brick
through my front window...

- Oh, no.
- "Oi, Black! No!

This is not a welcome surprise,
surprise!

I admire your ability
to reunite adopted twins

after 40 years apart,

and your superb singing voice,

but that is not an excuse for vandalism,
you deranged ginger bitch!"

And you'd have right on your side, George.

I mean, it's not just these mindless acts
of vandalism, is it?

If only it was, Frank.

It's the petty annoyances
these major celebrities might get up to.

- I mean, if Houston--
- Lovely girl, terrific singing voice.

Sure, sure. But if Houston
walked up and down outside my house,

trailing an ice-lollipop stick
up and down the railings,

ting-ting-ting-ting-ting.
All right if she only did it once.

But if she did it for an hour
while I'm trying to watch Sky Sports...

- You'd be out there.
- "Oi, Houston!

No! I will not always love you
if you carry on with that cacophony.

Now, hop it!"

- You'd be well in order there, Frank.
- I'll tell you, if that Lee Travis

so much as thought
about nicking the lead off my roof,

I'd be down his farm straight away
to kill his ducks.

Bastards, these celebrities make you sick!

Scum!

[chuckling evilly]

There we go. Lovely. That should
keep them French buggers out.

[evil laugh]

My wife, right, had this pain,
this terrible pain

and they took her to hospital
and she's lying there in absolute agony,

and then suddenly out popped
this small person on a string,

out of my wife.
A person coming out of another person.

I mean, I've never seen anything like it
in my life.

And it clings to her,
it won't leave her alone.

She's brought it back with her now.
She's had to, it's in the house.

I'm not going in there.

I'm staying out here till it's gone.

[sputtering]

Only 30 seconds to go before I'm 13!

Twenty-nine, 28, 27.
Boing! Can I have some ice-cream, Mum?

Kevin, you've eaten all the ice-cream
in the house, remember?

Oh, yeah. Duh, bloody hell,
I'm thick, Mr Bean!

[imitating Mr Bean] Hello! Hello!

Fifteen, 14, 13.
I hope I get Super Mario kart.

Boom-bum-bum! Boom-bum-bum!
I don't have to go to bed tonight, do I?

Yes, in five minutes, remember?
You've still got school tomorrow.

- Oh, yeah. Duh-brain!
- [clock dings]

Yeah, I'm 13!

[both] Happy birthday, Kevin!

Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday--

Ugh!

Argh!

Kevin?

Are you all right, Dear?

Darling... he's losing the power
of rational thought.

[Mum] And the use of his arms.

[both] He's become... a teenager!

- Kevin!
- What?

- [Dad] It's your birthday, Kevin.
- I know!

Happy birthday, Kevin.

Okay, stop going on about it, will you?

Why is there no bloody ice-cream?

Oh, come on, Kevin. You've eaten five tubs
on your own this evening, remember?

Ugh. That is so unfair! I hate you!

Kevin, don't speak
to your mum and I like that.

What? I didn't say anything!
What? What? What?

- No, Kevin. That is for the morning.
- I can't do anything anymore.

Oh well, seen as you've started...

- [Kevin grunts]
- ...at least it'll cheer him up.

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Well you said,
you wanted Super Mario kart.

I hate Super Mario. It's sad!
I want the bloody hi-fi!

- Right, that's it. Off to bed!
- I am not going to bed. I am going out.

Oh, don't be so stupid, Kevin.
You can't go out now.

Why not?

Because it's twelve o'clock,
it's way past your bedtime,

it's pouring with rain outside,
it's dangerous for the child on his own,

you've got nowhere to go
and you've got school tomorrow!

[grunts] Ugh, ugh!

That is so unfair! I hate you!

All right, then.
I will go to bed, okay? Happy?

- Goodnight, Kevin.
- Don't bloody shout at me!

Don't worry, darling.

It's only a phase.

It'll only last four or five years.

[sobbing]

Look. Look at what's happened.

I've had burglars.

They've come in while I was out.
They've stolen all my wife's things.

All her jewellery,
all her personal effects, her clothes.

Just gone.

I can't believe it.

The small person's clothes, its toys.
All gone, too.

And the wife and the small person.
They've taken them, too.

None of my stuff's gone, just theirs.

Look, they've even left a note.

"We've left you." I mean,

I just can't puzzle it out.

I mean, why would anyone do such a thing?

Mrs Thatch, Mrs Thatch!
Oo-er, little bit o' politics!

[Benny Hill theme music playing]

[man] What a lovely park,
ladies and gentlemen.

No thanks to the Tories!

[loud kissing]

[loud kissing continues]

[man] Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed.
Yes, indeed.

- [cane whipping]
- [grunts]

- [Waynetta] Wayne?
- What?

[Waynetta] What you doing?

I'm de-fleaing Fergie.

[Waynetta] Why?

'Cause I'm hungry.

- Wayne.
- What?

I wanna split up.

I'm not surprised, after the five pizzas
you've just eaten.

No, I mean us. You and me.

Oh.

Why?

Don't you love me anymore?

Of course, I love you, Wayne.
Love's got nothing to do with it.

It's just... Well, we've been together
ten years now

and quite frankly, it's unnatural.

- What is?
- Being with someone that long.

I'm the only mum on the estate
with a live-in partner.

All the other mums look at me like,
you know, like I'm a bit of a tit.

Well, you are a bit of a tit...

but not for that reason.

I'm 26 years old, Wayne.
I'm not getting any younger.

I should be a single mother by now.

It's embarrassing for the kids.

They get teased by the others.
"You've got a daddy! You've got a daddy!"

Frogmella came up to me the other day
and said,

"Why haven't I got a brown sister,
like all the other kids?"

Nearly broke my heart.

All the other mums have got at least
one brown baby, and I want one.

And for that, I need a big black man
and that ain't you, Wayne.

- But our kids are brown.
- But that's not the same, is it, Wayne?

That's dirt.

Oh, lover.
You're a good-looking bloke.

You shouldn't be here.
You should have had lots of different kids

by now, by lots of different women.
None of them you ever see.

I don't want lots of kids
by different women.

I love you, and I love our kids.

Don't say that, Wayne!

We're in enough trouble
with the social services, as it is.

They came in the other day
and integrated me about you.

- What did they say?
- They said how come you lived here?

How come you gave a trust about your kids?
How come you stayed in at night,

and played with the kids,
rather than going up the pub

and getting pissed?

They think you're a pervert, Wayne.

You say you love 'em
and they'll put 'em into care.

You'd best go, lover.

- Where?
- Oh, I dunno.

Be a homeless.

I can't be a homeless.

I'm too old to be a rent boy,
too young to be a wino.

I'm at that difficult age.

Oh, I dunno.
Something will come up.

All right, then. I'll go.

- I'll just kiss the kids goodbye.
- Best not. They might tell someone.

Well...

goodbye for ever, then.

Goodbye for ever, lover.

[gasps]

- I love you!
- [moans] And you.

- Can I help you?
- Can I come and live

- in your house, please?
- Sure. Come on in.

[Wayne] Thank you.

Blimey!

Hi. I'm Naomi Campbell,
and I'm a top model.

I'm Wayne, and I'm smelly.

Let's get you washed, then.

How do I look?

Great!

Let's go eat.

Blimey! It's all in foreign.

Do you need some help with it?

That's all right, I'll manage.

May I take your orders?

Yes, please.
I'd like the salade verte first,

and then the fricassée de fruits de mer.

- And for monsieur?
- Um...

I think I'll have the lot.

Pardon?

The lot.

- The lot?
- The...

lot.

[Naomi] Oh, Wayne, darling!

You're so unlike all the other men.

- Oof!
- I love you!

Blimey!

- Wayne.
- Waynetta, what you doing here?

I want you back, Wayne. I'm jealous.

- Are you?
- Yes.

And I miss you.

- Yeah, but I've got a new bird now.
- Well, give her the boot.

Well, I haven't told her about us.
What shall I say?

Oh, I don't know, make something up.

I can't lie to her.

Wayne, you always lie to a bird
when you give her the boot.

It's the done thing.

All right, then.

Ahem! Nomio?

Yes, darling?

I don't wanna go out with you no more.

Why?

Too fat.

Leg it!

[doorbell rings]

Get that.

- You get it.
- You get it!

- You get it!
- You get it!

You get it!

- Get it.
- Get it.

- Get it.
- Get it.

Get it.

Yeah? Oh, hello.

- Hello, Wayne.
- All right?

Listen, Wayne.
You know that affair we had?

- Yeah?
- Well, you got me in the club

and I had octuplets. Do you want one?

Blimey!

Em, you hang on a sec.

- Waynetta.
- What?

Ah, if we have another kid,
would you want a boy or a girl?

- I want a little boy, don't I? Why?
- Nothing.

- You got any boys?
- Yes, two.

Ah, that one and that one.

I'll have that one, please.

- His name's Wayne.
- Right.

Thanks very much.

- Waynetta...
- What?

Got you a present, ain't I?

Oh, Wayne!

Oh, my very own brown baby!

Oh, now I'm like all the other mums
on the estate!

[kissing]

[baby babbles]

[kissing]

- [Waynetta] He's called Kanoe.
- [Wayne] He's called Wayne.

- [Waynetta] He's called Kanoe!
- [Wayne] He's called Wayne!

[Waynetta] He's called Kanoe Reeves Slob!

[Wayne] He's called Wayne.

- [Waynetta] Wayne...
- [Wayne] What?

- [slash]
- [Wayne screams]

Sometimes I get this terrible
ringing noise in my head.

Terrible ringing, ringing,
ringing in my head.

And I just can't make it go away...

unless I pick up this.

But then the voices say hello.

[applause]

The show's not over
until the fat bloke sings.

♪ We are sailing
We are sailing ♪

♪ Home again
Across the sea ♪