Hard Quiz (2016–…): Season 6, Episode 32 - Episode #6.32 - full transcript

ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Hard Quiz...

Expert subject, Australian railways.

Expert subject, supernatural
romance, The Twilight Saga.

Expert subject, Midnight Oil.

Expert subject,
Danish Kings of England.

Here's your host, Tom Gleeson.

Yes! Hello. How are you? G'day.

I want a brewski.

Welcome to Hard Quiz.

These contestants are beer cans.

Last one to be crushed will be
tonight's Hard Quiz champion.



(APPLAUSE)

To be part of the show at home,
go to the ABC TV socials.

Let's say hello.

G'day, Michelle.
Hello.

Now, the Danish Kings
of England is your subject.

Yes.
Ah, why?

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, I'm doing a diploma
in mediaeval history.

So I had to find a subject

that none of these sods
will steal an answer to.

You're sods.

(APPLAUSE)

You've been put on notice -
you are a pack of sods.

Now, you claim that you can say
the alphabet backwards



in three seconds?

Yes.

Can you show us?

Can you time it?

(LAUGHTER)

Ah, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

Um, OK.

So it's a little sobriety test
I've got going on here.

(CLEARS THROAT)

OK, let's just...
Oh.

No, no, it's alright.
Gather yourself.

Let's pretend
we're at the side of the road.

Right.
I'm the police.

You've wound down your window
and I've said,

"Could you please
say the alphabet backwards?"?

(STARTS ALPHABET BACKWARDS)

It has to take less than 3 seconds...
(FINISHES)

Otherwise I'm gonna pull
you over for drink-driving.

I've done it.
OK. Oh.

Can you do it while I'm not talking?

(LAUGHTER)

I'm so sorry.

Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q, P, O,
N, M, L, K, J... Wait...

(LAUGHTER)

I feel like if you said
anything quick enough,

you could claim it was the alphabet.

So embarrassing.

I thought you just ordered something
at a Thai restaurant, to be honest.

Matthew.
How you going, Tom?

Now you're into Midnight Oil.
I am.

And you're a teacher.
I am.

What do you teach,
Green-Left politics?

Oh, coming close. English.

OK. Alright.

Are you just brainwashing
your students

with radical environmentalism?

Yeah, radical environmentalism,
definitely.

OK.

When did you first get into them?

About sort of the mid-'80s.

Oh, OK.
Yeah, definitely.

And what was the first album
that set you off?

Oh, first album set me off

was probably
Red Sails In The Sunset.

OK.
Yeah.

Now, you also sold
your Grange collection

so you could follow them
around the country.

Ah, how much is Grange worth?

Oh, I don't know.

I just, sort of, sold them
and put into a bit of a kitty

and, back in 2017
I did about 12 shows...

Wow.
..across Australia.

11 shows across Australia
and one in Auckland.

And with Auckland, you just
went there for that one show?

Yeah. I did a bit of a FIFO.

So I just sort of went in,

and saw the band,

and then I went to the pub that
night and just drunk a bit more,

and then I got the 6am flight back.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Nicola.
Hello.

Now, you're a teacher as well.
Yes.

What do you teach?
Unfortunately, also English.

But you teach advanced English,
don't you?

I do.

Matthew, do you teach
advanced English?

Oh, probably not.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, Twilight is your subject.

When you first read Twilight,
you were a lonely teenager

with no friends
and no understanding of literature.

Yeah.
Yeah?

That's who the book's aimed at,
isn't it?

Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

But now that you teach
advanced English,

you know just how bad the writing is,
but you still enjoy the book?

I'm also still lonely, no friends.

(LAUGHTER)

Which is your favourite book?

It changes regularly.

It depends on what mood I'm in.
Right.

If I'm super-depressed,
it's New Moon.

But if I'm super into

just wanting to see men
take their shirts off, it's Eclipse.

OK.
(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, same here.
(LAUGHTER)

What book do you think you'll be
reading after this episode?

Oh, probably New Moon.

OK.
(LAUGHTER)

Cris.
G'day, Tom.

Australian railways is your subject.

Are you a fan of delays?

(LAUGHTER)

Well, you know, the great journeys

take a while
to get to the other end.

So, yeah, I don't mind
things going a bit slow.

Now, you used to drive trains?

Yes, used to drive across
the Trans-Australian Railway.

There's not much scenery
out there, is there?

Ah, there's occasionally kangaroos.

OK.
Yeah.

Oh, and an emu. I saw an emu once.

(LAUGHTER)

Here's you with a steam engine.

What are we seeing here?

I'd just been passed out
as a qualified fireman

to light up the steam engines,
get them ready in the morning.

Looks like you just let one rip.

(LAUGHTER)

Alright. Let's play, hard!

ANNOUNCER: Expert round.
Expert subject.

Win or lose five points.

Steal an answer, double points.

I'll ask each of you five questions
on your expert subject.

Right, you get five points.

Wrong, I will take
five points from you.

The rest of you can steal
at any time to get double points.

Let's start with Cris
and his expert subject

Australian railways.

(APPLAUSE)

The Ghan passenger train
from Adelaide to Darwin

is named for the migrant workers

who helped build the railway
using what pack animal?

Cris.

Camels.
Correct.

(APPLAUSE)

Most of the 'Ghans' weren't actually
Afghans though, were they?

No, they weren't, no.

Ah, the handlers,
many of them came from Afghanistan,

but a lot of the handlers
were also locals as well.

So it was a bit of a mix.

Yeah.
The Australians didn't really care.

They're just like,
"Oh, they're probably all Afghanis."

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

We'll just call it the Ghan.

It's just easier, you know?
It's just, "Oh, the Ghans".

Yeah.
Yeah.

Racism is easier, you just...

(LAUGHTER)

It's easier if you're white,
but really hard if you're not.

(LAUGHTER)

Until 1962,
the use of different track gauges

between New South Wales and Victoria

forced interstate travellers to
change trains at which border town?

Cris.

Albury.
Correct.

(APPLAUSE)

In 2019, a vintage train
known as a 'Tin Hare'

was used to transport the coffin

of which train-loving
former Deputy PM?

Tim Fischer.

Correct.
(APPLAUSE)

The longest straight stretch
of railway track in the world

crosses which treeless plain?

Cris.

The Nullarbor Plain.
Correct.

(APPLAUSE)

Last question in your set, Cris.

In an apparent robbery in May 1935,

the Ghan arrived at Quorn Station

with its safe missing 34 pounds
of what precious element?

(BUZZING)
Time's up.

Gold.
Oh, come on.

The most obvious element, gold, yeah.

The gold was valued at £4,000,

which is about $360,000
in today's money,

and the thieves were never caught.

Next set of questions is for Nicola
on the Twilight Saga.

(APPLAUSE)

So your students are at home.

Are they excited
or embarrassed just now?

Bit of both.
Bit of both, right.

In book one, vampire Edward Cullen

tells Bella he preys on animals
instead of humans,

which he likens to what kind of diet?

Nicola.

Vegetarianism.

Correct.

(APPLAUSE)

At the height
of the series' popularity,

Comic-Con regulars blamed Twilight
fans for ruining the convention,

carrying signs like this one saying,
"Nosferatu didn't..." what?

(BUZZING)
Time's up.

Sparkle.

Oh, yeah.

So what's the whole sparkle thing -
what's that about?

For some reason, all the vampires
sparkle in sunlight.

Yes.
Instead of burning.

Unlike Nosferatu.

Apparently.
Yeah.

In book two, Bella wants Edward
to turn her into a vampire,

but he insists
they first perform what ceremony?

Nicola.

He wants them to get married.

Correct.
(APPLAUSE)

Author Stephenie Meyer admits

the books' themes
of abstinence and self-sacrifice

were influenced by her upbringing
in what faith?

Nicola.
She's Mormon.

Correct.

(APPLAUSE)

Last question in your set, Nicola.

In the first film, a scene in which
the Cullen clan plays baseball

is underscored by what Muse song?

Nicola.

Supermassive Black Hole.

Correct.
(APPLAUSE)

There's Muse there.

I feel that song deserves
to be in a better movie,

to be honest.
(LAUGHTER)

Time now for Matthew
and Midnight Oil.

(APPLAUSE)

Excited, Matthew?

Oh, excited but nervous.

Nervous energy going on here, Tom.
OK.

You talk about Midnight Oil
like it's the footy.

Oh, it's all my favourite
loves, definitely.

OK.

The cover of the album
Red Sails In The Sunset

features a post-apocalyptic vision...

Sydney.

Correct.
(APPLAUSE)

Of which Australian city?
Sydney is correct.

Performing in front of John Howard

at the closing ceremony
of the 2000 Olympics,

the band wore tracksuits
bearing what...?

For the steal, it's Cris!

Sorry.
Correct.

Bearing what single word?
Sorry is correct.

Double points to you.

(APPLAUSE)

Yes, they played Beds Are Burning,

and John Howard hasn't slept since.

(LAUGHTER)

The song Blue Sky Mine refers to
the plight of miners at Wittenoom...

Matthew.

Ah, asbestos.

Correct.

Who extracted what mineral?

Asbestos is correct.
(APPLAUSE)

Great song, though.

Not bad.
Yeah.

It's my favourite song
about asbestos.

(LAUGHTER)

Midnight Oil reformed
for a tour in 2017

after Peter Garrett
served almost a decade

as an MP with which...?

Matthew.
Australian Labor Party.

Correct.

With which political party?

Labor is correct.

(APPLAUSE)

Last question in your set, Matthew.

In the final episode of Countdown,

as a reference to the Oils
never appearing,

host Molly Meldrum
made what change to his appearance?

Matthew.

He went bald.

Correct.

(APPLAUSE)

Nice hairdo.
(LAUGHTER)

Last set in the expert round,

it's Michelle
and Danish Kings of England.

(APPLAUSE)

After King Ethelred
was overthrown in 1013,

England was ruled
by Sweyn Forkbeard,

who was what kind of
Scandinavian pirate?

Michelle.

Danish.

Incorrect.

It's wide open.

(BUZZING)
Time's up.

Viking.

(LAUGHTER)

Viking, yeah.
Wow.

Just name a Scandinavian pirate,
pretty much.

(LAUGHTER)

An apocryphal tale says that

Cnut the Great tried to order
what natural phenomena...?

Michelle.

Ah, the tides, the waves, the...

Correct.

Not to break upon his land?

Waves or tide is correct.

How do you spent Cnut, by the way?
Be careful.

Um, yeah, right. Yeah, CNUT.

(LAUGHTER)

CNUT. It's easy to say.

(LAUGHTER)

It's a PG timeslot.
CNUT, Cnut, Cnut, Cnut.

It's all fine. All above board.
We're all OK.

(LAUGHTER)

A ruler of England
for five years until his death,

Harold Harefoot's body was thrown
into a marsh beside the Thames

after being exhumed
from which historic church?

Michelle.

Westminster.

Correct.
(APPLAUSE)

Yeah, it was his half-brother
Harthacnut

that dug him up
and threw him in the river.

I think it was Harthanut.

Ha... Half... Harthanut.

(LAUGHTER)

It was Harthacnut, trust me.

(LAUGHTER)

Wasn't some total Cnut.

(LAUGHTER)

Wasn't a pack of Cnuts.

(LAUGHTER)

The last Dane to rule was
the unpopular Harthacnut...

(LAUGHTER)

..who ordered the city of Worcester
burned down

when they objected to
what new regulation?

Michelle.

Dane law.

Incorrect. Wide open.

(LAUGHTER)

(BUZZING)
No? OK.

Time's up.

Raise taxes.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he raised the taxes,
the citizens revolted,

and he burned down their town.
OK.

Yeah, he was a real Cnut.

(LAUGHTER)

Last question in your set, Michelle.

Forkbeard's father was
King Harold, known as Blartand,

which inspired the name of what...

Bluetooth.

Correct!
(APPLAUSE)

What Modern-day wireless technology?

Bluetooth is correct.

We've skipped through their subjects.
Now let's skip through mine.

This week I've been
really getting into graffiti,

and when I say graffiti,

I mean spray-painting
my own car space at Westfield.

This round is multiple choice.

Select your answers on your screens,

then press the buzzer
to lock in the answer.

Written in 78 BCE...
graffiti reading 'Gaius was here'...

The answer is

A - Pompeii.

You could also tell that
Gaius was there

'cause he was preserved in ash.

In 2018, a Cairo zoo spray-painted
stripes on which animal

to pass it off as a zebra?

The answer is

C - donkey.

He's having none of it, is he?

(LAUGHTER)

In the 1980s,
New York City mayor Ed Koch

proposed using wolves

to deter vandals from tagging
what facilities?

The answer is

A - subway trains.

(APPLAUSE)

Created by graffiti artist Banksy,

the work Balloon Debate
first appeared in 2005 on which wall?

The answer is B, West Bank barrier.

Last question in my round's
worth double points.

North Yorkshire's
Middlesbrough council

filled in long-standing potholes

after what graffiti was spray-painted
around them?

The answer is

B - genitals.

(APPLAUSE)

Alright, at the end of my round,
Nicola, Michelle, you're both on 25,

which means it's time for
a bloody Hard Off!

That's right,
only one of you will survive.

I'll ask just one question.
First to buzz in your answer.

If you're right, you stay.
If you're wrong, you're dead to me.

Alright, you ready?

Based on the ratio
of nominations to wins,

which award was harder
for Julia Louis Dreyfus to win -

Television Critics Association
or Golden Globe?

Nicola.

A?

Incorrect.

The correct answer was Golden Globe.

Nicola, you know what that means.
You're dead to me.

Get over here.

(APPLAUSE)

What book are you
getting ready to read?

New Moon.

(LAUGHTER)

I figured. Alright.

Out.

(APPLAUSE)

There she goes.

Oi, it's the People's Round.

Put your feet up,
play along at home.

Your time starts, now.

In the common retort to an insult,
what might sticks and stones break?

Bones.
Matthew. Yes.

The Flying Kangaroo appears
on which airline's planes?

Michelle.

Qantas.
Yes.

Two point five-four centimetres
is how many inches?

Cris.
One.

Yes.

In radio, the 5:30 to 9am shift...

Matthew.

The breakfast.

Yes.

Is known as the what slot?
Breakfast is correct.

Pouting in a selfie
is commonly known as

making the face of which water bird?

Michelle.

Stork.

No.

Duck.

According to legend,
Rome was founded by the brothers

Romulus and...

Michelle.

Remus.
Yes.

If I'm SUPing at the beach,
I'm on a 'stand-up' what?

(BUZZING)
Time's up. Paddleboard.

Time's up! Alright.

At the end of the People's Round,
Michelle, you're at the bottom on 30.

Get over here.

(APPLAUSE)

Alright, Michelle, what happened?

I came. I conquered.

I screwed it up.
(LAUGHTER)

At least you weren't a Cnut.
Oh...

Out!
Bye.

(APPLAUSE)

There she goes.

Alright, only two left.

Who's gonna be
the Hard Quiz champion?

Cris and Matthew, get over here,
because it's time to play Hard Quiz.

ANNOUNCER: Midnight Oil versus
Australian railways.

Hard Quiz.

Now, there can only be one
Hard Quiz champion

who gets to take home
the limited-edition Big Brass Mug.

What will you do with the mug
if you win, Cris?

I want to buy
a miniature steam engine,

but I need to
keep the coal somewhere.

So I'll just fill it up with coal.

OK.
(LAUGHTER)

What about you, Matthew?

Oh, look, I'll probably
give it to the GWS Giants.

They need something
in their trophy cabinet.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Best of five,
penalty shoot-out style,

harder questions
on your expert subject.

So it's Cris' knowledge
of Australian railways,

versus Matthew's knowledge
of Midnight Oil.

Let's play, hard!

(APPLAUSE)

Cris.

Described by the future King George V

as the most comfortable one
he'd ever travelled in,

this carriage is displayed
at the New South Wales Rail Museum

under what name?

Ooh, that's a good question, Tom.

Excellent question.

Um, but I guess you're
gonna want an answer.

Ah...

Yes.

Um, I would say -
and I'm not 100% sure on this -

but I think it was
the Vice Regal Carriage.

Incorrect.

The correct answer is
the Governor-General's Carriage.

Yeah, it's very nice to look at.

A lot better than the
Governor-General's undercarriage.

(LAUGHTER)

Matthew.

In New York in 1990,
the band played a gig

in front of this banner reading

"Midnight Oil makes you dance.

"Exxon oil makes us..." what?

Yeah.

From memory...

..having seen it,

"Exxon Oil makes you dance,

"Exxon oil makes us sick."

Correct.

(APPLAUSE)

Not very catchy, is it?

No. Makes you wanna spew up.

Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

Cris.

Upon its opening in November 1971,

which railway became the fastest
train service in Australia?

In 1971, that would've been

when the standard gauge line
was completed through to Kalgoorlie.

So, I would say it was the train
between Perth and Kalgoorlie,

the Prospector.

Correct.

(APPLAUSE)

Is it still the fastest train?

Ah, no. That...
OK.

Those cars have been scrapped,
actually.

Oh, OK.
Yeah, they're old.

So why did it need to be so fast?

Was it cause people really needed
to get out of Kalgoorlie?

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, pretty much. I've lived there.

Yeah, it's a good place
to get out of.

Yes.
(LAUGHTER)

Matthew.
Yes, Tom.

The film clip for 'Beds are Burning'
begins and ends

with what sound not heard
in the studio release of the song?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's that sort of, sort of...
sort of that creaky sound,

that... (IMITATES CREAKING)

(LAUGHTER)
Um...

Feel like I'm in a horror film.
Oh, God.

Based on the clip,
I do actually picture...

Oh...

..like, a windmill turning

and then, from that point, it
goes... (IMITATES OPENING CHORDS)

and, then, I would say...
(LAUGHTER)

I would s...
The windmill was on its side.

I'll say...
It's correct. You've...

I'll say it's a windmill.

It's correct, yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

I was just trying to be doubly sure.

How's the song start again?

(IMITATES OPENING CHORDS)
(LAUGHTER)

Cris.
Tom.

Introduced by WA Government Railways
from '54 to '56,

the X and XA series trains were named
after Indigenous tribes or elders,

with locomotive XA1402
given what name?

Ooh.

There were 48 of them,
so there's 48 names,

and I know a few of them.

Um, but 1402,

that's, uh, that's a tough one.

I don't remember 1402.

Um... I will run with Juukan.

Incorrect.

The correct answer is

Targari.
Oh, yes.

Do you know that one?

I do.
It's one of the preserved ones.

Oh.
I should've got that, but I didn't.

Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

Matthew.
Tom.

At a Myer Music Bowl gig in 2017,

guitarist Jim Moginie
tore a hamstring

while playing which song?

Oh, which song? OK.

Oh, God.
(LAUGHTER)

Now, I'm gonna go through
the set list of it.

OK.

It was a shorter set list
on the Great Circle Tour.

And he went down on his knees,

'cause I think he slipped over
'cause it was a wet night.

And...

(LAUGHTER)

Maybe you should just sing the
beginning of each song in the set?

Yeah, yeah.

I think it was actually...

The song that he did his hammy on
was the...

This is perfect for you, isn't it,

'cause it's like
you talk about Midnight Oil

like it's sport.

We've got a sports injury on...
Yeah.

..on the table.

I'd say it was...

I'd say it was Forgotten Years.

Incorrect.
AUDIENCE: Ohh.

The correct answer is
King of the Mountain.

Yeah, I was gonna say that one.
(LAUGHTER)

That's alright.
(APPLAUSE)

Cris.
Tom.

Opening in 1871,

the first railway
to operate in Western Australia

was a private timber railway
from Lockville to Yoganup,

with the first government railway

later travelling between
which two towns?

Well, a lot of people
would've thought

it was in the metropolitan area,

but because of the lead industry
up north,

they built it from
Geraldton through to Northampton.

Correct.

(APPLAUSE)

Matthew.

According to drummer Rob Hirst,

a piece of graffiti
spotted by the band

in Melbourne suburb South Yarra

inspired which album title?

Yeah...

That would've been about the '90s.

It was...

Oh...

It was an album that
was actually produced

by Warne Livesey - Magoo -
and Midnight Oil themselves.

I believe it was Redneck Wonderland.

Correct.
(APPLAUSE)

Alright, you need this to stay in.

Cris.

Completed in October 1917,

the Trans-Australian Railway's
last spike

was hammered into place

outside of which
South Australian settlement?

There's not many across the Trans.

Um, there's...

On the South Australian side...

From memory, it's close to...
I'll say Ooldea.

Correct.

(APPLAUSE)

Matthew, if you get this right,

you are tonight's
Hard. Quiz champion.

The band's first single in nearly
20 years, 2020's Gadigal Land,

includes Gadigal poet Joel Davison

saying, "Mudjaru ngaya wunyang,"

which asks the listener
to take pity on what?

Was it...

Was it to take pity...

..on...

Was it to take pity on white people?

Incorrect.

The correct answer is
'his bad pronunciation'.

Oh, right. Right.

Which is ironic,
'cause I mispronounced it as well.

(LAUGHTER)

It should be
"Mudjaru ngaya wunyang."

Yeah, so... Which means,
yeah, bad pronunciation.

(LAUGHTER)

OK, let's move to the tie break.

(APPLAUSE)

Alright.

In 2001,

BHP Set the record
for the world's longest train

at 7,353m,

including 682 cars of iron ore,

and how many locomotive engines?

Yes, it was the biggest train,

still is the biggest train
in the world,

that's ever been run.

And it was to trial their new
AC6000 locomotives.

And, from memory,
they used all eight of them.

Correct.
(APPLAUSE)

Matthew, you need this.

Referenced in a Midnight Oil song,

Peter Garrett's grandfather died
after the sinking of what ship?

Oh, God. Yeah, I know.

The song's In The Valley,
I know that, so...

(SOFTLY IMITATES
OPENING OF BEDS ARE BURNING)

Oh, you're putting me off now,
you know what I mean?

OK.

The Hades.

Incorrect.
AUDIENCE: Ohh...

The correct answer is the Montevideo.

Oh, yes.

Which means, Cris, you are
tonight's Hard Quiz champion.

(APPLAUSE)

Alright, Matthew,
you know what this means.

Out!

(APPLAUSE)

There he goes.

Congratulations, you are
tonight's Hard Quiz champion.

You get the Big Brass Mug.

And you get to do the sign-off.

Thanks for playing, hard!

Good stuff.

(IMITATES OPENING CHORDS
OF BEDS ARE BURNING)

If you wanna know what it's like
to hold up the Big Brass Mug,

and you too could be playing hard!

Hard.