Happyish (2015): Season 1, Episode 8 - Starring Rene Descartes, Adweek and HRH the Princess of Arendelle - full transcript

♪ Let it glow, let it glow ♪

♪ Can't fold a crack anymore ♪

♪ Let it snow, let it snow ♪

♪ Turn away
and slam the floor... ♪

Whoo, slam it!

♪ I don't hear ♪

♪ What they're going to play ♪

♪ The cold never
followed me anyway. ♪

- Bravo!
- Bravissimo!

- All right!
- Encore!

Ugh. I am so sick of that movie.



If I hear that song one more
time, I'm gonna kill myself.

It's a nice song.

Yeah, it's a nice song.
It's a fucked-up movie.

Fucked up? How the
fuck is it fucked up?

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, how is it fucked up?

Let me tell you something.

That is the most fucked-up,
destructive movie

of maybe the past 50 years.

- What?
- I'm serious.

This girl is born
with this tremendous power,

so what do they do?

They lock her ass up.

In a room. By herself.
For years.

But get this. She's a princess.



So one day she gets her revenge.

She goes out, she turns
that whole village to ice,

and then she builds her own
palace with her own two hands.

It's awesome!

What a message for little girls.

Then she sings that song

from the depths
of her liberated soul.

It is time to see what I can do

to test the limits
and break through.

Let it go. Let it go.

It's amazing, right?

That's where
the movie should end.

But how does it end?

Ends with this once
strong-willed, free girl

using her power to make
other people happy.

Oh, here's a new sled for Sven.

I'm gonna build
a beautiful fountain

for all those
fuckin' townspeople

who never gave a shit about you

when you were locked in a
room for 16 fucking years.

Snowman was funny.

Don't even get me started
about "Tangled."

S01E08
Starring Rene Descartes, Adweek and HRH The Princess of Arendelle

♪ If you're happy and you know
it, then motherfucking show it ♪

♪ If you're happy and you know it,
clap your motherfucking hands ♪

♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands! ♪

Aggression. Competition.
Anal penetration.

These are just a few
of the things corporate America

has in common with the hardcore
pornography business.

Love the Keebler stuff.

Oh. I didn't.

Hello.

I'm adult film star James Deen.

What can a porn star teach you

about success
in the business world?

Well, quite a lot, actually.

The adult film industry
and corporate America

have more in common
than you might think.

Join me, James Deen,
over the next 30 minutes

while I teach you
three of my foolproof tips

for unparalleled success in
pornography and/or corporate America.

What the fuck is this?

someone is gonna get fucked.

They moved your office.

They? Who?

They who? Them.

Why?

This is the new ideation room.

- This is completely outrageous.
- This is bullshit.

They've already
moved your desktop

to your new office
along with your desk.

You have a 10:00 meeting in
Kurosawa to review the pitch work,

and the army strategy session
is in Coen at 2:00.

Cohen. Leonard.

Leonard? Ethan and Joel.

Of course. Of course. Stupid.

Well...

I'm not moving. Not moving.

They've put you
in Larry's old office.

This is my office.

No. No, it's not.

Now it's the ideation room.

Okay, tell Jonathan
I want to speak to him

right here right now,
or he can shove

his fucking Coke meeting
up his fucking ass.

♪ Let it blow,
let it blow... ♪

Oh, buddy. Buddy, no.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

♪ Let it go, let it go... ♪

No more singing.
We are so late for school.

I love your voice,
but we've gotta go.

Julius, now!

Come here.
We're too late for this.

- Let me get this off.
- I wanna wear it!

Fine. Do you have
clothes on underneath?

Okay, let's go.

- Wait.
- What?

- I wanna take it off.
- Oh, my God!

It's the same thing
every morning.

This is getting
ridiculous, Julius.

- On or off?
- On.

Fine. On it is. Let's go.

I asked you so many times.

Mom, why are you
always so angry?

I'm not angry, buddy.

I'm just... I'm sick of this.

I'm sorry.

It's just every morning
it's the same thing.

- Come on.
- Okay.

You don't have to take it off.

Jules, you wanna wear
it to school, you can.

I don't!

Okay, fine. Let's go.

- Yes.
- Okay. We'll have it here for you

for after school. Put your coat on.
All right, let's go.

- ♪ Go, let it go... ♪
- Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

♪ Can't hold it back
anymore... ♪

What the fuck
is an ideation room?

It's the Swedes' idea, Thom.

What... oh, so the
Swedes had an idea.

Great. Well, you know,
someone call "Adweek."

I already did. They're coming by for
some photos this afternoon.

What?

"MGT face-lift begins.

Ideation room
first of many changes."

Thom, you gotta
stop fighting this.

- Fighting what?
- Progress.

What, made-up rooms
for made-up words?

- That's progress?
- What is the big deal?

Yes, yes. It's shallow and phony.
What did you expect?

We traffic in this industry
in image and shadows

and appearances and illusions.

The fact is, MGT needs
to become an industry leader

in creative concepting,
thought, growth, and ideation.

Why are you talking like this?

I happen to be the leader
of this agency.

I love you, I love your talent,

but it's my responsibility
to make sure

that MGT approaches
the task of problem solving

with innovative,
out-of-the-box thinking.

You're doing it again.

Look, you still have an office.
It's just smaller.

Well, then, why don't
they use your office?

Because the Swedes
thought the ideation room

should be centrally located.

Your office is the perfect spot.

It's a good idea, Thom.

I think now is a good time
to talk about cock.

Whether you're in the
jizz biz or the ad biz,

the three most important words

are cock, cock,
and monster cock.

People ask me,
"James, what about talent,

ability, skill, commitment?

Aren't these things
more important than size?"

No, they're not.

Lee, my favorite parent.

- I have a huge favor to ask you.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

Adrian was supposed
to be lunch mom today,

but she caught Alex's cold,
and now she's stuck in bed.

Uh, are... are you asking me?

'Cause I haven't been
to the studio all week.

- So I'm gonna just go to the...
- The kids just adore you.

And it would make
Julius so happy.

And we could really,
really use the help.

What about Willow? Look, she's...

Doctor's appointment.

- Sarah?
- No car.

- January?
- She works.

She works? I work.

In an office, I mean.
You know, a job job.

A job job?

Hey, you don't
have to convince me.

- I think making art is a job, too.
- Oh, thank you.

It's just... she can
get fired, you know.

Please, Lee.
Julius would so love it.

He really loses his shyness
when you're around.

- Fine. Great. Okay.
- Yay!

You are such a good mom.

Let's get started.

I'll tell you what you can
do with your stupid time-outs!

You can take 'em and shove
'em up your ass, lady,

you fucking bitch!

♪ Don't let the bastards
grind you down ♪

♪ Don't let them
grind you down... ♪

Misery, suffering,
agony, death...

everyone is angry.

Everyone is dissatisfied.

And so we ask you,
who is the real rebel?

The angry man or the happy one?

Coke. Fight the glower.

So?

I feel that, yo.

Thanks, Atomic.

I like the, uh... the line.

Uh, okay, look.

A more comfortable way
into radical happiness

would be to have happy people
doing happy things,

but this, I think... you know,

I think audiences are ready
for a more honest approach.

You say to people,
"Yes, you're angry.

We're all angry.

But you don't have to be.

You can take a break
from your anger

and have a Coke."

Well, not everyone
is as angry as you, Thom.

Well, you're about
twice as angry as me, so...

- Fuck you, Thom.
- There it is.

I agree with Thom.
People are angry.

All the research proves that.

I just don't know
if anyone wants to admit

that they're angry.

People like to think
that they're happy.

Mm, even when they're not.

Especially when they're not.

The angrier they feel, the
happier they insist they are.

I think it's... it's powerful.

It's thought-provoking.

Well, it's just a... an ideation.

Gottfrid?

Uh, yeah.

Me and Gustaff went about this

a bit of a different way.

Um, they want a campaign.

Fine, but what if instead
of a campaign of commercials,

of sales pitches
and product attributes,

of intrusion, really...

what if we just created...

moments?

- Moments.
- Moments.

I mean, we don't need
stories anymore.

We live in a post-story society.

We have Vines and Instagrams

and, you know,
YouTube fail videos.

We collect and share moments,

so let's make Coca-Cola moments.

Of peace, of happiness.

I mean, everyone talks about
disruption marketing...

excuse me, Thom.

But who wants to be disrupted?

We want to be
comforted, consoled.

Consolation marketing...

that is the future.

We don't want to see bombs
and, you know, riot police.

What we want are puppies.

♪ Sunshine, lollipops,
and rainbows... ♪

♪ Everything that's wonderful ♪

♪ Is what I feel
when we're together ♪

♪ Brighter than a lucky penny
when you're near the... ♪

Moment of happiness ♪17

brought to you
by the Coca-Cola Company.

Happiness... always within reach.

Something like that.

I'm happier already.

You know, 18... kittens.
And 22... babies.

Did you ever see that monkey
snuggling the dog video?

We should see if
♪yourmomentofhappiness is available.

It's a big opportunity.

Thom.

Hi.

I just wanted to apologize.

- You know.
- Oh.

I mean, personally, we think
it's a bit ridiculous.

I mean, an ideation room?

My God.

I mean, if you're
going to ideate,

you have to have an agency
designed around ideating.

You can't just ideate in
any little room, you know.

So, I thought the ideation
room was your idea.

We would never
ideate such a thing

as an ideation room.

Right. No, the room,
it's ridiculous.

I mean, frankly, we think
it's a bit pathetic.

So whose idea was it?

Jonathan.

- Jonathan?
- Yeah.

We expected more of him, too.

- Jonathan?
- I don't know.

I guess he felt like he needed
to do something for himself,

to stay relevant or something.

Anyways, I just want you
to know I think it's awful

that he threw you
out of your office.

I mean, that was
very disrespectful.

Sorry, man.

Uh, well, I appreciate it.

Yeah.

Bondage.
Whipping. Fisting.

Double penetration or good,
old-fashioned one-on-one missionary.

Doesn't matter.

Porno and/or corporate America
rule number two...

even when it's not about
dominance and submission,

it's about dominance
and submission.

♪ I don't care ♪

♪ What they're going to say ♪

♪ Let the storm rage on ♪

♪ The cold
never bothered me anyway. ♪

Oh, that was awesome, you guys.

It was great
the first five times, too.

So, um, why don't we stop
singing and start eating, okay?

- I'm Elsa, and I froze you.
- Ugh. Uh-oh.

Guess I'm gonna have
to lock you in your room

for your whole freakin' childhood.

♪ It's funny
how bug sister's ♪

♪ Makes everything a ball... ♪

This is torture.

- Hey, Lee.
- Oh, hey, Sandy. Hi, Lola.

Lola had a question for you.

- Oh, sure, shoot.
- Go ahead, Lol.

Can I have a playdate
with Julius today?

Today?

And I'll tell you
something else, asshole.

I'm staying here.

You know, if you want
an ideation room,

have it in your office.

"Adweek" can photograph my ass.

"Epiphanies are orgasms
of the mind."

Fuck off. 20 years.

20 years I've known you
in this bullshit industry,

and you've never once
lied to me.

Thom.

Or I don't know. Maybe you have.

I don't know anymore.

"You can't depend on your eyes

when your imagination
is out of focus."

It's like a... it's like a cult.

It's a fucking cult
of gibberish.

This is what it's come down to.

You screw me and then
lie about it afterwards.

What is it, Jonathan? Are you that
desperate? Are you that scared?

Yes! Yes! I am!

This tyranny of youth.

I created this
with my own hands.

I built the temples.

I taught 'em all how to pray.

But I never in my wildest dreams

imagined that
it would go this far.

I'm telling you,
if a 25-year-old

walked into
that boardroom upstairs

and suggested that
it would be off the hook

if they all killed themselves,

they'd all have nooses
around their necks

by the time his
presentation was over.

Have you heard Gustaff's
plan for the office?

Have you heard it?
You know what it is?

Nothing. That's the plan.

Nothing. No walls,
no doors, no hallways.

They want to spend $5 million

removing the $10 million

that we put into this
place three years ago,

and the board couldn't
approve it fast enough.

I fought 'em tooth and nail,

but they rolled
their eyes, scowled,

and reminded me this
is a youth-driven business.

It was a room full of fucking
70-year-olds, by the way.

I'm sorry.

I'm scared.

I'm... I'm...

baffled.

This is a level of asinine

even I can't understand.

You know, we're glad to hear
you admit that, Jonathan.

Oh, Jesus.

It's important for a man
to know his, uh, limitations.

We're having
a private conversation.

- It's the ideation room, Thom.
- Gottfrid, you seem perturbed.

I can almost detect
a wrinkle in your forehead.

Yeah, well, I get
a little perturbed

when "Adweek" is invited
into my agency...

- Your agency?
- My agency.

Let us finish our conversation.

You would not be
in this fucking building...

This was my office. My office!

You shot your fucking
brains all over it.

- What?
- Who are you?

- Uh, I'm looking for Jonathan Berg.
- That's me.

I'm from "Adweek."
I'm here to take some photos.

- Hey!
- How are you?

- Just spitballing a bit.
- Welcome to my ideation room.

We're just... we're ideating.

Ideating.

My final rule?

Well, that's something you
learn on your first porno set

when you look down at that girl
and she's covered in come,

smiling and rubbing it in

like it's the sweet
elixir of life.

Thom?

Thom. Please?

Is there a problem?

No, no, no, no.

And...

You have to pretend
that you love it.

One, two, three.

Ideation!

♪ Let it throw ♪

♪ The ball never
followed me anyway. ♪

- Whoo! Yay.
- All right. Okay, guys. That was awesome.

♪ It's funny how some days... ♪

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

♪ And fears that
once controlled me ♪

♪ Can't get to me at all ♪

♪ Let it throw, let it
throw, the ball... ♪

Is that weed?

Uh, yeah.

Do I have to bring
my own, or...?

Kids okay?

Who gives a fuck?

You know, that field
trip on Monday,

school concert on Tuesday,
lunch mom today...

it's way too much
mothering this week.

I'm mothered out.

Mother... fucked.

Tell me about it.

Every afternoon around 3:00,

I wanna tear my uterus out
and beat it with a stick.

Ugh.

Pam told me that
January has a real job.

That's why she asked me
to cover lunch mom.

- Ouch.
- Yeah.

Because somehow spending
your time in a studio,

trying to express your truth,

making art out of your
pain and your humanness,

your fear,
that's not a real job.

But accounting,
that's a real job.

Can't interrupt that.
God forbid.

At least you got art.

I got nothing.

I'm just a mom.

Mm-mm.

I once told them I was
getting a mammogram.

To get out of being a lunch mom?

Wait a minute.

You said that you were
getting a mammogram

to get out of lunch mom?

- Yeah.
- That is so awesome.

I was gonna say mastectomy,

but I didn't think
they'd believe me.

Well, that's an excuse that you
can only use a couple times.

I remember
when I first had Jules.

The first night
in the birthing center...

and he starts crying.

And we have no idea what to do.

So I run over to the nursing
station, and there's three of them.

It's, like, 2:00 in the morning.

I'm like, "Hey, what's the
deal with a baby crying?

Do you pick 'em up
or let 'em cry or what?"

- Right.
- And the middle one goes, "Oh, no.

You never let baby cry."

I hate that shit.

And then I was like,
"Oh, really?

You never let baby cry?"

And she was like, "Uh-uh.

In fact, I let my
daughter sleep in my bed

until she was 12 years old."

Oh, come on.

And then the other nurse
was like, "Yeah, me, too."

And then the third nurse
was like, "Yep."

And I was like, "Wow.

How did your husbands
feel about that?"

And the one nurse goes, "Oh, we
got divorced three years ago."

Because divorce
is great for baby.

Baby loves divorce.

It's ridiculous,
because you're not a parent;

you're a person who
happens to be a parent.

- Yes.
- You see what I'm saying?

- Yes!
- Right?

Told my shrink that I feel bad

because being a mother
isn't enough.

Uh-oh. What'd he say?

He told me to try Lexapro.

Mine said Prozac.

Oh, see?

That's why we're high on pot.

Yeah, well, fuck it.

Whatever gets you through
the day, you know?

- Hear, hear.
- Yeah, right.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Kids, who wants
to bake brownies?

- Yay!
- Whoo-hoo!

Don't be too angry
with Jonathan.

Something changed
between us today.

It's...

it's... it's just different.

There was this porn star
a while back.

Tested positive for an STD.

You know what he did?

- Nope.
- He lied about it.

Faked his test results.
Kept on working.

What an asshole.

You know why he did it?

- Because he's an asshole?
- No doubt.

Lie about an STD test, you're
on the shit list for life.

But that got me thinking.
We're born against our will.

Oftentimes we die the same way.

Between that, we gotta find
food, shelter, clothing.

Surviving in this world
is fuckin' ugly.

- Mm.
- That's what Jonathan's doing.

He's surviving.

Nobody said
it was gonna be pretty.

- An ideation room?
- An ideation room.

Ugh.

Contemplation corner.

Yeah, well, you know,
to be fair,

it helps with
the "au-think-ification."

Ah, I see.
With your "conceptitudes."

"Go-fuck-yourself-itation."

That's gold.

- Is Jules still watching "Frozen"?
- Mm-hmm.

It's dazzling fun
for the whole family.

- It says it on the DVD.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Maybe... maybe not the whole family.
- Ugh.

They should have
alternate endings

for the parents that have had

to sit through it
a thousand times.

Like, movie ends,
Anna and Elsa hug,

you know, everything's
beautiful in Arendelle,

and then Olaf just grabs a gun

and just shoots everybody.

It just... it's a bloodbath.

Kills all of them.

Ugh. God.

Pot and booze.

Are we terrible parents?

Whatever gets you
through the day.

Ah.

♪ The snow around me
on this mountaintop ♪

♪ Is a lazy metaphor ♪

♪ I hated "Tangled"
and that mermaid one ♪

♪ But I hated "Frozen"
even more ♪

♪ It's not the story,
the characters or theme ♪

♪ It's the simplistic answers
that make me want to scream... ♪

♪ Elsa decides
that she'll be free ♪

♪ Bitch, it ain't that easy ♪

♪ Some of us need
more than hugs ♪

♪ Some of us, well,
we need drugs ♪

♪ Lexapro, Lexapro ♪

♪ Two pills a day, no more ♪

♪ Lexapro, Lexapro ♪

♪ May cause diarrhea,
gas, and more ♪

♪ I don't care
what the warning labels say ♪

♪ I'll take it with food ♪

♪ 'Cause side effects ♪

♪ Never bothered me anyway ♪

♪ "Fake joy beats
real sadness" ♪

♪ Said Rene Descartes ♪

♪ He must've met my mother ♪

♪ What's frozen
is her heart... ♪

You think some pills
will stop a holocaust?

♪ It's time to see
what pills can do ♪

♪ To chemically change
my point of view ♪

♪ Just ask my pharmacist,
you'll see ♪

- ♪ I'm free... ♪
- Oh! Aah!

♪ Lexapro, Lexapro ♪

♪ Two pills a day, no more ♪

♪ Lexapro, Lexapro ♪

♪ May cause diarrhea,
gas, and more ♪

♪ I don't care
what the warning labels say ♪

♪ I'll take it with food... ♪

Side effects
never bothered me anyway.