Happyish (2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - Starring David Ogilvy, Anton Chekhov and Gluten Enteropathy - full transcript
Thom promises Julius he will return from Los Angeles with a toy; Lee gets a new cell phone.
Previously on "Happyish"...
Keebler talks about real.
Real ingredients, real
chips, real, real, real,
and yet these are their spokespeople.
Cartoons.
Holy shit. Midgets?
Do midgets test well?
- Top directors.
- Ken Burns.
- Rob Reiner.
- Rob Reiner?
We have an opportunity here
to do something that resonates.
Think... think Cassavetes.
Uh, think the Maysle brothers.
- How's Fast Eddie?
- His fever's coming down.
We're not out of the woods
yet, though, but we're close.
Fast Eddie.
You feeling better, son?
Okay, that... that's good.
I love it. I love it.
Now let's try it again.
46 fucking years I gave that company.
Ernie, Ernie, no one's gonna fire you.
You fucking pussy.
You'll be lucky if they don't fire you.
It's only for five days.
I'll be back before you know it.
- But why?
- Because it's my job.
Because, you know,
it's... I make commercials,
and they make commercials in Los Angeles.
But you were just there.
I know, and I hate going away.
I really do, but it's only for a few days.
Until my friend Gottfrid
comes, and he can take over.
But you said Gottfrid was an asshole.
Okay, you don't use language like that.
You know, I used that word
once and I shouldn't have.
Hey, I wonder if they have
toy stores in Los Angeles.
Well, can you get me a surprise?
Well, that's if they have
toy stores in Los Angeles.
- IPad! iPad! iPad!
- iPad? Hang on, dude.
We... we talked about this.
You're too young to have
an iPad all to yourself.
But Fitzgerald has one.
Does that make him any happier?
Uh, yes?
It does, Dad.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
Okay. I'm gonna get you something, okay?
If they have toy stores there.
- Dad.
- You know something?
I'm gonna miss you so, so much.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Five days, okay?
Promise?
I promise.
I'll be home soon, buddy.
Okay.
All right. Thank you.
You know who the first
marketing genius was?
Jesus Christ, chief marketing
officer, God Incorporated.
His big campaign for God? "We'll save you."
Great campaign. Went totally viral.
Jesus was so good that we still
use his marketing plan today.
We'll save you from death,
misery, time.
We'll even save your dick.
Jesus Christ himself didn't
even claim to save dicks.
We have Mercedes now, God.
We have Porsche convertibles.
We have LA.
In 1963, legendary ad man David Ogilvy
published his "Confessions
of an Advertising Man."
Three years later in 1966,
"Time" magazine declared that God was dead.
They were wrong, though. He wasn't dead.
He just went out of business.
Did the client approve
Rob's changes to wardrobe?
We sent it to 'em this morning.
What changes to the wardrobe?
- Rob didn't like JJ's pants.
- That's not his call.
We're checking with the
client, Mikal. Relax.
Anybody got a copy of the script?
Did the client approve Rob's
changes to the dialogue?
We sent it to 'em this morning.
What changes to the dialogue?
Rob didn't like JJ's speech
about the cookie factory.
It's not his call.
We're checking with the
client, Mikal. Relax.
Does anybody have a copy of the script?
Hey. It's me.
It's, uh, 6:30 a.m., "Beverly Hell" time,
which, I guess that means
it's 9:30 where you...
shit, you'll be at school.
I just wanted to say good morning to Jules.
But anyhow, I have my bags,
and I'll go straight to
the airport after the shoot.
Call me. Bye.
Hey, thanks for staying.
Wasn't my choice.
Film looks great.
It's not a film. It's a commercial.
Gottfrid's shitty commercial.
And he should have covered it himself.
Well, he's on the last flight out tonight.
He'll be out here while they
cut it and you'll be home.
- What time's your flight?
- 7:00 p.m. LAX.
- We'll get you there.
- Okay.
And, remember, however badly you wanna go,
it's not half as much as we want you gone.
Hey, you know how much this costs?
Like, a thousand dollars.
Like, $10,000.
- Hey, guess what.
- What?
- Guess who's coming home tomorrow.
- Who?
- Your dad, you silly.
- I know.
Hey, you can't play it.
This has a retina
display. Did you know that?
It's, like, a million resolutions.
He's been gone a long time, huh?
We're a Mac family.
I bet you're not a Mac family.
'Cause we think different.
I bet you don't think different.
Hey, you know what I was thinking?
I was thinking maybe we have
a surprise party for him, hmm?
He doesn't get home until the
morning, but I thought maybe...
maybe we could set up
for it after school today?
Right? Make a sign?
Maybe you could blow up some balloons?
You think Dad would like it?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Dude, come here.
I love you.
I love you too, Mom.
My dad has one, too. And my mom.
Hey, Mr. Reiner.
Last looks are up.
Hey, Lee, it's me.
Um, where are you?
I've been calling you
all morning, and, um...
you know, just...
well, I'm in hell, so call me.
We're losing light, people.
The client doesn't like JJ's delivery.
I know, that's... I told Reiner.
They think he's too miserable.
That's what I just told Reiner.
Go tell him again.
I'm trying not to piss him off.
That was take 15, Thom.
You're the one who has
to be out of here by 5:00.
Roll sound.
- Roll camera.
- Ready? And action.
Knock, knock.
Cookie for your thoughts.
Went to the factory today, Pop.
Cookie Manufacturers International.
You should see the setup they have there...
robots, machines.
Gonna put us out of
business, Pop. I know it.
And after all your hard work, Pop,
it ain't right.
It ain't right, Pop.
Listen to me, JJ.
We have something they
can never compete with.
What's that?
Love.
Is this a fucking cookie?!
Fuck.
- I'm gluten intolerant, you shit heel!
- Cut!
How many fucking times have I told you
no actual cookies?!
Props. Where the fuck is props?
Do you know what wheat does
to my fucking stom... oh.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. I need a toilet.
Oh, God.
I need a fucking toilet!
Stand, people.
Wardrobe!
- Wardrobe!
- Fuck!
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Brown leather. Aah!
- So it can't be fixed?
- Well, it's off warranty.
And by the time you send
it back and they fix it,
it's probably cheaper
to just get a new one.
Okay, how much is that gonna cost me?
Do you wanna stay with a BlackBerry?
Are you a BlackBerry person?
Am I a BlackBerry person?
No, I'm not a BlackBerry person.
Because, honestly, for the
money, I would go with the iPhone.
We're having a special this week...
Okay. Okay, listen to me.
Are we dating? Have we gone
dancing? Gone out to dinner?
No, so don't try to fuck me.
I know all the games. I know the tricks.
So I'm gonna ask you really nicely.
Do not try to fuck me.
I will not try that.
Okay, thank you. Sorry, I'm just...
- It's stressful.
- Yeah, it is.
I know. I go crazy when my phone dies.
- Do you wanna look at the iPhone?
- No, I don't want an iPhone.
- They're very popular.
- That's why I don't want one.
Okay, well, let's just
see what else we have.
- Great.
- Okay.
Dour? What does that mean, dour?
It means gloomy, glum, morose.
No, I know what the fucking word...
He's playing it like
it's Shakespeare, Thom.
- They want him less down.
- Okay, okay, all right.
His father works day and night.
He's about to lose his job,
- so I don't know how happy...
- They're elves.
I thought they wanted it more fucking real!
- That was the whole point of this.
- Shh.
Let's go talk to the client, then.
Okay, I need... that taxi to the airport
- needs to be here in two hours.
- Okay, okay.
Come and talk to the client.
- Two fucking hours.
- Shh!
Hey. How you doing?
Good to see you again.
Picture's up. Roll sound.
- Roll camera.
- Okay.
- Ready, and...
- Whoa. Whoa, sorry.
- What? What? What? What?
- Cut.
The client thinks that
JJ is a bit too dour.
- Dour?
- Down.
I know what "dour" means.
Yeah. I think they just want him up a bit.
His father is about to be laid off.
I know. I explained that.
- He works night and day.
- I understand that.
- I have Laker tickets tonight.
- Okay, I didn't know that.
Yeah. Are you gonna
fuck up my Laker tickets?
- No, Rob. No.
- No?
I think you should just lift
him... just make him be up.
- That would solve it.
- Yeah? You want him up?
- You tell him.
- Rob, you're the director.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, the
guy is a fucking asshole.
You want him up, you tell him.
Tell me what, Reiner?
Uh, you know that last take was great...
- Oh, here we go.
- No, no, no, no.
I just was thinking
that maybe the next time
we try it... I don't know.
How do you say it? A little bit more up.
My father's getting laid off.
Yeah, we both actually talked about that,
but we... I... well, I think...
No, asshole, you don't think.
I am a classically-trained actor, okay?
You wanna know where I
was last week this time?
Off-Broadway playing
Willy Loman, that's where.
So I think I know how to
play a fuckin' layoff scene.
Fair enough.
But we thought if you...
instead of playing JJ down,
you're trying to cheer Ernie up.
Who the fuck is directing
this piece of shit?
You, pinhead, or that pinhead?
You know what? Don't tell me.
I'm fuckin' out of here.
I knew it! I knew it!
There goes my fuckin' Laker game!
Thank you!
All right, take five.
What the fuck is this?
Keeping up with the Keeblers, baby.
- I love LA.
- We love it.
Guys, you've been in LA five days.
You're out of a job. Do you realize that?
Nobody in LA has a job, Thom.
But everybody has great
hair and fancy cars.
Besides, we really cleaned up on this deal.
Our agents got us serious cash
for using our likenesses, plus residuals,
payouts, the whole deal!
And this is what you spend it on?
Materialistic bullshit.
Ma, do you... wait. What are those?
Saline. Under the muscle.
Same doctor who does all
the celebrities' boobs.
- Hey, check it out, Thom.
- Very nice, JJ.
We got a whole trunk full of 'em.
Is this the way you wanna
be raising your kids?
Happy? Yes.
Does Julius have an iPad?
So that's how you measure happiness, yeah?
I mean, you should be teaching
them that happiness can't be bought.
We worked in that tree for 40 years, Thom.
This is the American dream...
work hard, buy a luxury
car, and get some new tits.
Gotta go, Thom.
We're getting spray-tanned
before the Lakers game.
Our agents got us court-side seats!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
I gotta get the fuck out of here.
Let's see what we've got.
We have the silver iPhone 6
with HD retina display,
eight mega pixel eyesight
camera and charger
and you got the Verizon
"More Everything" plan
with unlimited talk and
text on the 4G LTE network,
and you also got the
LG Tone wireless headset
with ambient noise reduction.
Oh, hey, do you wanna look at any
of the protective cases we have?
Yes.
You really do wanna
protect your investment.
I do.
I really do wanna protect my investment.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
Fitzgerald's iPad is so cool.
Julius, you're not getting an iPad.
- I know, Mom.
- Okay.
We were playing this game
where you're the birds, right?
- And these pigs stole your eggs.
- Wow.
And you use your fingers to launch
the birds right on the screen.
- Cool.
- And there's this other one
- where you can race the pigs on a go-kart...
- Really?
And when you turn the
iPad, that's how you steer.
Dude! This is amazing!
Dad is gonna love this.
Should we put it up? All right.
Nicely done.
So Fitzgerald lets you play his iPad?
No, I was watching Ross play.
- So he let Ross play?
- Uh-huh.
Mm.
Did he let any other kids play?
Most of the kids.
So he let most of the
kids play but not you?
He never lets me play.
Well, you know what?
He's a big jerk.
Come here, man.
Look at that.
Look how beautiful that is.
Dad's gonna love it.
Look, let me tell you something.
I love this, and I hate commercials.
I hate my whole life making
commercials, but I love this.
And let me tell you why.
I know it's a bullshit cookie commercial,
but I think it's more than that,
because I believe that Ernie Keebler
is Willy Loman.
Oh, please.
Do you think the factory down
the road gives a shit about him?
This whole campaign is... is... is...
uh, is about corporate imperialism.
It's about the ordinary working guy
who's just trying to put
some food on the table,
just trying to feed his kids,
but he can't compete
with the corporate cartels
who will not be satisfied until
they have every last penny,
and that's why I wrote this.
You wrote this piece of shit?
You're damn right I did.
I said to the guys, "No
more animated characters.
We need real. I need real.
You know, I need Rob Reiner to direct this
and I need the guy that played
Trigorin in 'The Seagull' to play JJ."
You saw me in "The Seagull"?
I'm a Chekov fan.
At the Atlantic?
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, absolutely.
And I shouldn't say this,
'cause you busted my fuckin' ass before,
but, uh, you were all
anybody saw in that play.
Thom, your car to the airport's here.
Okay.
Attention must be paid, even to an elf.
Let's do this.
Okay. Okay.
Don't say goodbye to Reiner for me.
I won't even say goodbye for me.
Oh, thanks for the Chekov "Seagull"
thing. He totally bought it.
- You can't go, Thom.
- Can't go where?
- I'm sorry, Thom. That was Lorna.
- Don't start with me, Deb.
It's one wide and a couple of
close-ups. Reiner can handle it.
Flight's in two hours.
That's plenty of time.
It's not about the flight,
Thom. It's Gottfrid.
He's got a dinner tonight at the
advertising club and another one tomorrow.
He wants you to cover the edit.
Said he'd be out here
first thing next week.
- No.
- I'm sorry, Thom.
I know you wanna get home to your...
You don't know... what the fuck do you...
Hey, you guys. I'm gonna split.
You know, I got the Laker tickets.
- But you're okay. You got JJ up in the tree.
- Uh-huh.
You got a wide shot and
a couple of close-ups.
Charlie should be able to handle it, okay?
Bye.
- We're not done.
- Thom.
- What?
- We're not done.
You don't leave until we're done.
But you got just a wide
shot and some close-ups.
Yeah, Charlie can handle that, Thom.
Get back there and finish the job.
Do you know who you're talking to?
I'm talking to the director
of this goddamn commercial,
the one that's being paid $30,000 a day.
The one who's gonna get
his fat ass back there
and finish the fuckin' job!
Fuck you, Thom.
You don't wanna be here any more than I do.
Thom, what is the failed dream, huh?
What is it? It's a screenplay, a novel?
You go write that, get off my fuckin' back,
and stop acting like
this shit matters, hmm?
- Hey. This day.
- Finally.
I've tried you a dozen fucking times.
Oh, Jesus. People.
Oh, I was at the phone store.
- My phone died.
- All day?
Your phone's been dead all day?
Where were you? Were you at the studio?
No, I was at the phone store, Thom.
Well, I wasn't at my studio.
I don't have a studio,
'cause all I have is work!
I'm gonna die here alone in a hotel room
surrounded by bulimic assholes
and fucking Keebler cookie scripts.
What's wrong with you, Thom?
What's... where are you?
I'm at the hotel. I'm at the fucking hotel.
That's where I am.
Thom.
I'm not coming home.
Is it Gottfrid?
He's sucking some ad dick in New York
and I've gotta stay here
till... till next week.
Ugh.
- Hey.
- Let me talk to Jules.
I'll... I can tell him.
No, no, I'll tell him. I'll tell him.
Okay. It's your daddy.
Hi, Daddy. Are you on the plane?
No, I'm not, buddy.
- How come?
- I'm so sorry.
I'm still here. They... I can't get home.
I've got to do my job and they won't let me
go home right away till I finish, yeah?
But I'm gonna be home next week,
and, uh, so, you know,
I'll see you then, okay?
I'm... I'm really sorry, buddy.
Jules?
Jules?
Fuck!
Hey, it's okay to be angry, buddy.
I'm not angry.
Everybody gets angry.
You know, I bet your dad
threw his phone down, too.
Hey, you know what?
I bet if you close your eyes,
pictured your daddy coming home
and giving you a big, big hug,
it'd make you feel so much better.
- Mm-mm.
- No? Hmm.
What if you closed your eyes
and pictured Gottfrid
getting hit by a truck?
Would that make you feel better?
- No.
- Oh, really?
What if you closed your eyes
and pictured Gottfrid
opening his office window
and falling all the way down?
Splat!
- Uh, no.
- No?
All the way down! And splat.
Let's go make some brownies.
Come on. Whoa!
All right, then.
Hey, Thom. I'm just stopping
by for a pre-game drink.
- How'd the shoot go?
- Film looks great.
- Director's a piece of shit.
- Sounds great.
Ernie?
Ernie!
Ernie! Ernie!
Ernie! Ernie.
Ernie.
Ernie!
What are you doing? Let go!
I don't want to leave, Thom.
I've never been happier.
But what about Ma?
What about the children, the boys?
Yeah, it's something, isn't it?
Just a bunch of elves.
And here we are in a Rolls.
We made it, Thom.
We made it.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
Hundred bucks if you let me piss on it.
Seriously. You'll feel
better. I'll feel better.
Hundred bucks. Right now.
500.
It's not LA. I know that.
It's us.
We're just looking for some relief.
We're just looking for a new religion.
And so I enter, head bowed,
to the church of America,
where the faithful raise
up their voices as one
in a song of thanks and cheer.
And not a dour face among them,
for behold, the iPhone 6 Plus has appeared,
and lo, the screen size is
much greater than before.
Okay, so that's one iPhone 6 Plus,
128 gigs, mobile package,
and from the looks of your last phone,
you'll definitely want the additional
two years of damage coverage.
And then we have the
iPad Mini 3 for your son,
and that's 64 gigs with retina display,
Wi-Fi and cellular.
Since he's young,
I would recommend getting
a protector for it.
- Uh...
-Would you like to get a protector today?
Yes.
I'd like to get a protector today.
Great.
And let us say, "Amen."
Keebler talks about real.
Real ingredients, real
chips, real, real, real,
and yet these are their spokespeople.
Cartoons.
Holy shit. Midgets?
Do midgets test well?
- Top directors.
- Ken Burns.
- Rob Reiner.
- Rob Reiner?
We have an opportunity here
to do something that resonates.
Think... think Cassavetes.
Uh, think the Maysle brothers.
- How's Fast Eddie?
- His fever's coming down.
We're not out of the woods
yet, though, but we're close.
Fast Eddie.
You feeling better, son?
Okay, that... that's good.
I love it. I love it.
Now let's try it again.
46 fucking years I gave that company.
Ernie, Ernie, no one's gonna fire you.
You fucking pussy.
You'll be lucky if they don't fire you.
It's only for five days.
I'll be back before you know it.
- But why?
- Because it's my job.
Because, you know,
it's... I make commercials,
and they make commercials in Los Angeles.
But you were just there.
I know, and I hate going away.
I really do, but it's only for a few days.
Until my friend Gottfrid
comes, and he can take over.
But you said Gottfrid was an asshole.
Okay, you don't use language like that.
You know, I used that word
once and I shouldn't have.
Hey, I wonder if they have
toy stores in Los Angeles.
Well, can you get me a surprise?
Well, that's if they have
toy stores in Los Angeles.
- IPad! iPad! iPad!
- iPad? Hang on, dude.
We... we talked about this.
You're too young to have
an iPad all to yourself.
But Fitzgerald has one.
Does that make him any happier?
Uh, yes?
It does, Dad.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
Okay. I'm gonna get you something, okay?
If they have toy stores there.
- Dad.
- You know something?
I'm gonna miss you so, so much.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Five days, okay?
Promise?
I promise.
I'll be home soon, buddy.
Okay.
All right. Thank you.
You know who the first
marketing genius was?
Jesus Christ, chief marketing
officer, God Incorporated.
His big campaign for God? "We'll save you."
Great campaign. Went totally viral.
Jesus was so good that we still
use his marketing plan today.
We'll save you from death,
misery, time.
We'll even save your dick.
Jesus Christ himself didn't
even claim to save dicks.
We have Mercedes now, God.
We have Porsche convertibles.
We have LA.
In 1963, legendary ad man David Ogilvy
published his "Confessions
of an Advertising Man."
Three years later in 1966,
"Time" magazine declared that God was dead.
They were wrong, though. He wasn't dead.
He just went out of business.
Did the client approve
Rob's changes to wardrobe?
We sent it to 'em this morning.
What changes to the wardrobe?
- Rob didn't like JJ's pants.
- That's not his call.
We're checking with the
client, Mikal. Relax.
Anybody got a copy of the script?
Did the client approve Rob's
changes to the dialogue?
We sent it to 'em this morning.
What changes to the dialogue?
Rob didn't like JJ's speech
about the cookie factory.
It's not his call.
We're checking with the
client, Mikal. Relax.
Does anybody have a copy of the script?
Hey. It's me.
It's, uh, 6:30 a.m., "Beverly Hell" time,
which, I guess that means
it's 9:30 where you...
shit, you'll be at school.
I just wanted to say good morning to Jules.
But anyhow, I have my bags,
and I'll go straight to
the airport after the shoot.
Call me. Bye.
Hey, thanks for staying.
Wasn't my choice.
Film looks great.
It's not a film. It's a commercial.
Gottfrid's shitty commercial.
And he should have covered it himself.
Well, he's on the last flight out tonight.
He'll be out here while they
cut it and you'll be home.
- What time's your flight?
- 7:00 p.m. LAX.
- We'll get you there.
- Okay.
And, remember, however badly you wanna go,
it's not half as much as we want you gone.
Hey, you know how much this costs?
Like, a thousand dollars.
Like, $10,000.
- Hey, guess what.
- What?
- Guess who's coming home tomorrow.
- Who?
- Your dad, you silly.
- I know.
Hey, you can't play it.
This has a retina
display. Did you know that?
It's, like, a million resolutions.
He's been gone a long time, huh?
We're a Mac family.
I bet you're not a Mac family.
'Cause we think different.
I bet you don't think different.
Hey, you know what I was thinking?
I was thinking maybe we have
a surprise party for him, hmm?
He doesn't get home until the
morning, but I thought maybe...
maybe we could set up
for it after school today?
Right? Make a sign?
Maybe you could blow up some balloons?
You think Dad would like it?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Dude, come here.
I love you.
I love you too, Mom.
My dad has one, too. And my mom.
Hey, Mr. Reiner.
Last looks are up.
Hey, Lee, it's me.
Um, where are you?
I've been calling you
all morning, and, um...
you know, just...
well, I'm in hell, so call me.
We're losing light, people.
The client doesn't like JJ's delivery.
I know, that's... I told Reiner.
They think he's too miserable.
That's what I just told Reiner.
Go tell him again.
I'm trying not to piss him off.
That was take 15, Thom.
You're the one who has
to be out of here by 5:00.
Roll sound.
- Roll camera.
- Ready? And action.
Knock, knock.
Cookie for your thoughts.
Went to the factory today, Pop.
Cookie Manufacturers International.
You should see the setup they have there...
robots, machines.
Gonna put us out of
business, Pop. I know it.
And after all your hard work, Pop,
it ain't right.
It ain't right, Pop.
Listen to me, JJ.
We have something they
can never compete with.
What's that?
Love.
Is this a fucking cookie?!
Fuck.
- I'm gluten intolerant, you shit heel!
- Cut!
How many fucking times have I told you
no actual cookies?!
Props. Where the fuck is props?
Do you know what wheat does
to my fucking stom... oh.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. I need a toilet.
Oh, God.
I need a fucking toilet!
Stand, people.
Wardrobe!
- Wardrobe!
- Fuck!
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Brown leather. Aah!
- So it can't be fixed?
- Well, it's off warranty.
And by the time you send
it back and they fix it,
it's probably cheaper
to just get a new one.
Okay, how much is that gonna cost me?
Do you wanna stay with a BlackBerry?
Are you a BlackBerry person?
Am I a BlackBerry person?
No, I'm not a BlackBerry person.
Because, honestly, for the
money, I would go with the iPhone.
We're having a special this week...
Okay. Okay, listen to me.
Are we dating? Have we gone
dancing? Gone out to dinner?
No, so don't try to fuck me.
I know all the games. I know the tricks.
So I'm gonna ask you really nicely.
Do not try to fuck me.
I will not try that.
Okay, thank you. Sorry, I'm just...
- It's stressful.
- Yeah, it is.
I know. I go crazy when my phone dies.
- Do you wanna look at the iPhone?
- No, I don't want an iPhone.
- They're very popular.
- That's why I don't want one.
Okay, well, let's just
see what else we have.
- Great.
- Okay.
Dour? What does that mean, dour?
It means gloomy, glum, morose.
No, I know what the fucking word...
He's playing it like
it's Shakespeare, Thom.
- They want him less down.
- Okay, okay, all right.
His father works day and night.
He's about to lose his job,
- so I don't know how happy...
- They're elves.
I thought they wanted it more fucking real!
- That was the whole point of this.
- Shh.
Let's go talk to the client, then.
Okay, I need... that taxi to the airport
- needs to be here in two hours.
- Okay, okay.
Come and talk to the client.
- Two fucking hours.
- Shh!
Hey. How you doing?
Good to see you again.
Picture's up. Roll sound.
- Roll camera.
- Okay.
- Ready, and...
- Whoa. Whoa, sorry.
- What? What? What? What?
- Cut.
The client thinks that
JJ is a bit too dour.
- Dour?
- Down.
I know what "dour" means.
Yeah. I think they just want him up a bit.
His father is about to be laid off.
I know. I explained that.
- He works night and day.
- I understand that.
- I have Laker tickets tonight.
- Okay, I didn't know that.
Yeah. Are you gonna
fuck up my Laker tickets?
- No, Rob. No.
- No?
I think you should just lift
him... just make him be up.
- That would solve it.
- Yeah? You want him up?
- You tell him.
- Rob, you're the director.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, the
guy is a fucking asshole.
You want him up, you tell him.
Tell me what, Reiner?
Uh, you know that last take was great...
- Oh, here we go.
- No, no, no, no.
I just was thinking
that maybe the next time
we try it... I don't know.
How do you say it? A little bit more up.
My father's getting laid off.
Yeah, we both actually talked about that,
but we... I... well, I think...
No, asshole, you don't think.
I am a classically-trained actor, okay?
You wanna know where I
was last week this time?
Off-Broadway playing
Willy Loman, that's where.
So I think I know how to
play a fuckin' layoff scene.
Fair enough.
But we thought if you...
instead of playing JJ down,
you're trying to cheer Ernie up.
Who the fuck is directing
this piece of shit?
You, pinhead, or that pinhead?
You know what? Don't tell me.
I'm fuckin' out of here.
I knew it! I knew it!
There goes my fuckin' Laker game!
Thank you!
All right, take five.
What the fuck is this?
Keeping up with the Keeblers, baby.
- I love LA.
- We love it.
Guys, you've been in LA five days.
You're out of a job. Do you realize that?
Nobody in LA has a job, Thom.
But everybody has great
hair and fancy cars.
Besides, we really cleaned up on this deal.
Our agents got us serious cash
for using our likenesses, plus residuals,
payouts, the whole deal!
And this is what you spend it on?
Materialistic bullshit.
Ma, do you... wait. What are those?
Saline. Under the muscle.
Same doctor who does all
the celebrities' boobs.
- Hey, check it out, Thom.
- Very nice, JJ.
We got a whole trunk full of 'em.
Is this the way you wanna
be raising your kids?
Happy? Yes.
Does Julius have an iPad?
So that's how you measure happiness, yeah?
I mean, you should be teaching
them that happiness can't be bought.
We worked in that tree for 40 years, Thom.
This is the American dream...
work hard, buy a luxury
car, and get some new tits.
Gotta go, Thom.
We're getting spray-tanned
before the Lakers game.
Our agents got us court-side seats!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
I gotta get the fuck out of here.
Let's see what we've got.
We have the silver iPhone 6
with HD retina display,
eight mega pixel eyesight
camera and charger
and you got the Verizon
"More Everything" plan
with unlimited talk and
text on the 4G LTE network,
and you also got the
LG Tone wireless headset
with ambient noise reduction.
Oh, hey, do you wanna look at any
of the protective cases we have?
Yes.
You really do wanna
protect your investment.
I do.
I really do wanna protect my investment.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
Fitzgerald's iPad is so cool.
Julius, you're not getting an iPad.
- I know, Mom.
- Okay.
We were playing this game
where you're the birds, right?
- And these pigs stole your eggs.
- Wow.
And you use your fingers to launch
the birds right on the screen.
- Cool.
- And there's this other one
- where you can race the pigs on a go-kart...
- Really?
And when you turn the
iPad, that's how you steer.
Dude! This is amazing!
Dad is gonna love this.
Should we put it up? All right.
Nicely done.
So Fitzgerald lets you play his iPad?
No, I was watching Ross play.
- So he let Ross play?
- Uh-huh.
Mm.
Did he let any other kids play?
Most of the kids.
So he let most of the
kids play but not you?
He never lets me play.
Well, you know what?
He's a big jerk.
Come here, man.
Look at that.
Look how beautiful that is.
Dad's gonna love it.
Look, let me tell you something.
I love this, and I hate commercials.
I hate my whole life making
commercials, but I love this.
And let me tell you why.
I know it's a bullshit cookie commercial,
but I think it's more than that,
because I believe that Ernie Keebler
is Willy Loman.
Oh, please.
Do you think the factory down
the road gives a shit about him?
This whole campaign is... is... is...
uh, is about corporate imperialism.
It's about the ordinary working guy
who's just trying to put
some food on the table,
just trying to feed his kids,
but he can't compete
with the corporate cartels
who will not be satisfied until
they have every last penny,
and that's why I wrote this.
You wrote this piece of shit?
You're damn right I did.
I said to the guys, "No
more animated characters.
We need real. I need real.
You know, I need Rob Reiner to direct this
and I need the guy that played
Trigorin in 'The Seagull' to play JJ."
You saw me in "The Seagull"?
I'm a Chekov fan.
At the Atlantic?
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, absolutely.
And I shouldn't say this,
'cause you busted my fuckin' ass before,
but, uh, you were all
anybody saw in that play.
Thom, your car to the airport's here.
Okay.
Attention must be paid, even to an elf.
Let's do this.
Okay. Okay.
Don't say goodbye to Reiner for me.
I won't even say goodbye for me.
Oh, thanks for the Chekov "Seagull"
thing. He totally bought it.
- You can't go, Thom.
- Can't go where?
- I'm sorry, Thom. That was Lorna.
- Don't start with me, Deb.
It's one wide and a couple of
close-ups. Reiner can handle it.
Flight's in two hours.
That's plenty of time.
It's not about the flight,
Thom. It's Gottfrid.
He's got a dinner tonight at the
advertising club and another one tomorrow.
He wants you to cover the edit.
Said he'd be out here
first thing next week.
- No.
- I'm sorry, Thom.
I know you wanna get home to your...
You don't know... what the fuck do you...
Hey, you guys. I'm gonna split.
You know, I got the Laker tickets.
- But you're okay. You got JJ up in the tree.
- Uh-huh.
You got a wide shot and
a couple of close-ups.
Charlie should be able to handle it, okay?
Bye.
- We're not done.
- Thom.
- What?
- We're not done.
You don't leave until we're done.
But you got just a wide
shot and some close-ups.
Yeah, Charlie can handle that, Thom.
Get back there and finish the job.
Do you know who you're talking to?
I'm talking to the director
of this goddamn commercial,
the one that's being paid $30,000 a day.
The one who's gonna get
his fat ass back there
and finish the fuckin' job!
Fuck you, Thom.
You don't wanna be here any more than I do.
Thom, what is the failed dream, huh?
What is it? It's a screenplay, a novel?
You go write that, get off my fuckin' back,
and stop acting like
this shit matters, hmm?
- Hey. This day.
- Finally.
I've tried you a dozen fucking times.
Oh, Jesus. People.
Oh, I was at the phone store.
- My phone died.
- All day?
Your phone's been dead all day?
Where were you? Were you at the studio?
No, I was at the phone store, Thom.
Well, I wasn't at my studio.
I don't have a studio,
'cause all I have is work!
I'm gonna die here alone in a hotel room
surrounded by bulimic assholes
and fucking Keebler cookie scripts.
What's wrong with you, Thom?
What's... where are you?
I'm at the hotel. I'm at the fucking hotel.
That's where I am.
Thom.
I'm not coming home.
Is it Gottfrid?
He's sucking some ad dick in New York
and I've gotta stay here
till... till next week.
Ugh.
- Hey.
- Let me talk to Jules.
I'll... I can tell him.
No, no, I'll tell him. I'll tell him.
Okay. It's your daddy.
Hi, Daddy. Are you on the plane?
No, I'm not, buddy.
- How come?
- I'm so sorry.
I'm still here. They... I can't get home.
I've got to do my job and they won't let me
go home right away till I finish, yeah?
But I'm gonna be home next week,
and, uh, so, you know,
I'll see you then, okay?
I'm... I'm really sorry, buddy.
Jules?
Jules?
Fuck!
Hey, it's okay to be angry, buddy.
I'm not angry.
Everybody gets angry.
You know, I bet your dad
threw his phone down, too.
Hey, you know what?
I bet if you close your eyes,
pictured your daddy coming home
and giving you a big, big hug,
it'd make you feel so much better.
- Mm-mm.
- No? Hmm.
What if you closed your eyes
and pictured Gottfrid
getting hit by a truck?
Would that make you feel better?
- No.
- Oh, really?
What if you closed your eyes
and pictured Gottfrid
opening his office window
and falling all the way down?
Splat!
- Uh, no.
- No?
All the way down! And splat.
Let's go make some brownies.
Come on. Whoa!
All right, then.
Hey, Thom. I'm just stopping
by for a pre-game drink.
- How'd the shoot go?
- Film looks great.
- Director's a piece of shit.
- Sounds great.
Ernie?
Ernie!
Ernie! Ernie!
Ernie! Ernie.
Ernie.
Ernie!
What are you doing? Let go!
I don't want to leave, Thom.
I've never been happier.
But what about Ma?
What about the children, the boys?
Yeah, it's something, isn't it?
Just a bunch of elves.
And here we are in a Rolls.
We made it, Thom.
We made it.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
Hundred bucks if you let me piss on it.
Seriously. You'll feel
better. I'll feel better.
Hundred bucks. Right now.
500.
It's not LA. I know that.
It's us.
We're just looking for some relief.
We're just looking for a new religion.
And so I enter, head bowed,
to the church of America,
where the faithful raise
up their voices as one
in a song of thanks and cheer.
And not a dour face among them,
for behold, the iPhone 6 Plus has appeared,
and lo, the screen size is
much greater than before.
Okay, so that's one iPhone 6 Plus,
128 gigs, mobile package,
and from the looks of your last phone,
you'll definitely want the additional
two years of damage coverage.
And then we have the
iPad Mini 3 for your son,
and that's 64 gigs with retina display,
Wi-Fi and cellular.
Since he's young,
I would recommend getting
a protector for it.
- Uh...
-Would you like to get a protector today?
Yes.
I'd like to get a protector today.
Great.
And let us say, "Amen."