Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Quicksand Girlfriend - full transcript

...:::: SiliconChip ::::...

Look at our little Dave rose,
making friends.

Bet you 5 bucks he's telling her
about the time

he ran across Michigan Ave.
to save that puppy.

No way. He's telling the story
from high school where he

picked up that fumble and ran it
back for a touchdown...

And boom! Football. There it is.
Pay up, playa.

Hold up.
That's a puppy dog.

(Indistinct conversations)

(Both) Oh!

Let's hope it was a football,
or else we have not heard



the complete story about the puppy.

Whoa.

- Dude, that girl's super into you, man.
- I know, I know.

She even liked my reenactment

of the first scene
of "Temple of Doom."

- Ah. "Doom."
- It's the go-to move. Of course.

Oh, hey, guys, this is Andrea.

Actually, it's Un-drea.

Un-drea.
Un-drea.

Un-drea.
Un-drea.

Okay. (Laughs) Well, I am Mox,
this is Brade.

Of course you know Dove.

Your friends are so funny.
(Laughs)

I'm gonna grab my purse.
Okay.



Don't go anywhere.

Boop!
Oh!

(Both laugh)

I mean, she's totally lame
but super hot, right?

Yeah, you should totally boop that.

Yeah, not really ready for a relationship.

- (Brad) No?
- Hey, Nicholas Sparks,

no one's talking about a relationship.

I'm talking about taking
Frankie Fedora home,

doing some weird stuff,
and never calling her again.

I'm back!

(Dave) Whoa!
You are a gosh-darn delight!

Dave, let's get out of here.

Um... okay.

Okay. Boop!
Oh!

(Laughing)
(Laughing)

I do not understand people
that feel the need

to express themselves through touching.

I know, right?
All right, I'm out.

(Indistinct conversations)

(Both imitate explosion)

(Both) Aah! Stop!
Can't touch this.

(Laughs)

Ohh.
All right, I'll see you, buddy.

Happy Endings - S01E02 [720p]

What the hell?

Give me that.

What? I could use the extra cash
for the store,

and I decided a roommate
might be a good idea.

Are you trying to get sold
into white slavery?

Jane, it's a cute picture.
Oh, my God. Is that side boob?

Oh, my God. It... No.
No, no, no. It's just leaves.

Whatever. I'll find
someone cool and fun,

and it'll be okay.

Honey...
This is a big decision, okay?

And... and you have
a terrible habit

of always seeing
the good in people.

- Not sure that's a bad habit.
- Okay, what I'm trying to say is that

you're not the best judge
of character.

That's crazy.
Oh, Dave.

(Door closes) This is Zane. He
just moved into the building.

He's introducing himself
to all the neighbors.

Legally, I have to.

Would you like me to help you
find a roommate?

Jane, I can handle this.
I can make one...

Jane.
Okay.

(Male announcer calling play-by-play
indistinctly) Dude, stop him.

Stop. Don't... dude!

(Whistle blows, crowd cheering)
No football!

Okay? Come on, Max.
Let's go to the farmers' market.

There's a trunk show
at Shoe-La-La,

and then we can brunch it up!

You know what sounds more fun?

Being in wet clothes and
watching "Schindler's List."

You're the worst
gay husband ever.

Oh, I don't see no ring
on this finger, girl.

(Sighs) What's Jane doing?

It's the weekend.
She's relaxing.

Just a pitch...
wouldn't it be easier

to find these stackables if they
were in the shelving section?

I know what you're thinking.

Is this woman questioning
the organization of a store

whose sole purpose
is to help people organize?

(Laughs) Yes.

Fine. Stupid football.
(Door opens and closes)

Whoo! Raise your hand
if you got laid last night.

Really?

Yeah, Jane gets stupid horny
when we use our pizza stone.

I slept with my allergist.

Confused college student.

Ugh. I'm not gonna lie. You guys
are kinda stealing my thunder.

Hey, no Dave, good for you.
Are you gonna see her again?

I don't know.
She wore a fedora in bed.

(All groan)
I probably should call her...

No.
Mnh-mnh.

Mnh-mnh. That is breaking the
first rule of one night stands.

Well, I don't wanna be a bad guy,

so just gonna give her a call. (Beeping)

I wouldn't call her.
No. No.

(Max) Don't do it. Mnh-mnh.
She's gonna pick up.

Whoa! Hey. Andrea.

There it is.
Un-drea. Sorry.

I was just calling
to say thank you

for last night. It... Breakfast.

(Brad) No.

(Max) No.
Um...

(Mouths words) Okay. Sure. Yeah,
I can... be there in 15 minutes.

No!
(Beep)

Make the face.
Guys, relax. It's just an hour.

I'll be back.
We'll be watching football...

(Singsongy)
And drinking heavily!

(TV playing indistinctly)

(Door slams loudly)
(Yells)

Dave, where have you been?
Guys, it's all a blur.

We went to eat crepes, which led
to a walk by the lake.

After that,
we went to her apartment

to feed her bird.

That's right, guys.
She's got a bird!

Then we watched
all of her dance videos

from high school through college
because apparently

she's auditioning
for Keesha's world tour.

It's Ke$ha.
(Max) It's Ke$ha.

Then we went down
to the Field Museum

where she convinced me
to buy a joint membership

for two years
because you get free parking.

Damn, Dave. You are
stuck in chick-sand.

What is that?
It's, uh, it's quicksand,

except I replaced the "quick"
with "chick."

Come on, man. You're better than that.

Guys, what am I gonna do?

Look, if you don't wanna see her
again, you just tell her.

Be an adult
and have the conversation.

No. No, conversation sucks.
Yeah, right. Nope!

No. You're right.
I am an adult,

and... and I'm gonna handle this
like an adult.

I'm gonna take a shower, and I'm
gonna march myself down there,

and we're gonna have a conversation.

I see how you got from

"quicksand" to "chick-sand."
You're an idiot.

(Laughs)
(Laughs) I love you.

Guys!

Hey! This is Samantha.
She might be my new roommate.

Hey.
Hi.

We'll be in touch.
Yes.

- Okay, great. Bye.
- Bye.

Doesn't she seem great?
Her hair is amazing.

Yeah. Does her hair have
a social security number

you can run a credit check on?
Or how about her references?

I mean, how much money
does she make?

What do you really know about her?

She likes vampire books
and Beyoncé.

You know, I have a 13-year-old
cousin in Tallahassee

that's thinking
about running away from home.

- Maybe he'd make a good roommate for you.
- Okay.

Now we're all gonna have to hang
out with whoever you choose, Al,

so why don't you pick
someone fun,

like a fighter pilot or Scottie Pippen?

Oh, you know who you should get?
Is a real gay guy.

Whoa.

Come on. You're a straight dude
who likes dudes.

I want a gay who will watch
house flipping shows with me

and grab my boobs
in a platonic way.

So you want a stereotypically
flamboyant, cartoonish

"Sex and the City" gay?
That's offensive.

The heart wants
what the heart wants.

Look, you've only ever lived
with Dave and me,

and a lot goes into
making this decision.

Well, I guess I didn't totally
think about all of that.

But I did. Okay, and judging
people comes so easy for me,

which is why
you should let me help you.

Okay. Fine. You can help,
but you're not gonna come in

and take over everything and
get all "Jane" on me, are you?

Of course not.

I've got some
great roommate choices.

Like a Becca.
She's a marine biologist

and notary public, which means
she can teach you about plankton

and also witness the signing
of important documents.

(Laughs)

Sounds like such fun!

I know.

But I can't do this
right now, Jane.

Okay, okay, how about Jessica?

I mean, she's an agoraphobic
and a vegan,

which means she will
never leave her room

or eat your cheese.
You love your cheese!

Hey, what do you guys think of this...
dress? And no one cares. (Door opens)

(Door bells jingle)
Yo, Penny.

Girl! That girl looks delish!

What?
Things that make you go mmm!

(Laughs) Hi.

Gracias.
Max, who is this fine man?

Penny,
I'd like you to meet Derrick.

We played on a gay softball team
together last year.

- I thought you guys might get along.
- P.S.... Four balls

isn't just a walk. It's a party.
What? Drama! (Laughs)

Can I touch your ta-tas?
Get in there.

Aah!
Aah! Oh, my God.

I feel like I've known you so long.

Oh, my God.
I already miss you.

Oh, my God.
Are we in a fight?

- No. I'm gonna get you accessories, okay?
- Get out of here, you. (Blows kiss)

- Bye. All right. See you soon.
(Laughs) - Whoo! (Breathes deeply)

- Gay enough for you, Pen?
- Slut! Come help me out of this split!

He's the gay of my dreams.

Is Dave still meeting us?
I don't know.

I haven't seen him since he went

to have the conversation
with Un-drea two days ago.

Ooh, boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop, boop.

Oh.

(Max) What is he wearing
on his head?

Bye, Moo-Moo.

Au revoir, doodle bug.
(Laughs)

Guys... (Whispers)
I'm in serious trouble.

Aw, what happened, Moo-Moo?

Well, I went to have
the conversation,

but before I could say anything,

she launched
into this whole thing

about how great it is
to finally meet a good guy

and about how her last boyfriend
stole from her dad

and had sex with her cousin,
so... I couldn't do it.

Dude, you're missing the point.

She's got a rich dad and slutty cousins.

Told you, bro. Conversation's hard.

Guys, I've been out of the game
too long. What do I do?

First off, stop calling it
"the game."

I think you should
go with the Peter-out.

Ooh! I love the Peter-out.

Stop calling her regularly.
Change your plans

at the last second. Never go out
with her on a weekend night.

Couple of days,
things will just... Peter out.

No conversation.

When's the next time you're seeing her?

Saturday night.

Perfect. Text her.
Change it to Wednesday,

the least sexy night of the week.

I was surprised you decided
to switch plans to tonight.

I didn't know we were
quite there yet.

My Saturdays
are getting kinda booked,

but... wait. Where yet?

(All) Happy Birthday!

(Cheering)

It's your birthday.

Everybody, everybody,
this is Dave!

(All) Hi, Dave!

Dave, this is my grandma Nellie.

Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

Boop!
Oh! (Laughs)

I'm gonna get a scotch.
You want a scotch?

Oh! You're so cute!

Jane, what are you doing here?

Well, you never got back
to me on who you liked,

so I picked the ten best
roommate candidates

and invited them over
for a little open house.

What? When?

- Right now.
- Right now?

Yep. So I'm gonna finish
getting ready.

You should probably shower,
change, you know,

wear whatever you like,
but I laid out

a really cute suggestion
on your bed, so wear that.

It was her birthday?

Yeah. Apparently, she told me
while we were having sex

the other night. I just thought
she was telling me to do her

like it was her birthday...

Next Wednesday.
You're in serious chick-sand.

Not a word.
I'm making it one.

Can't just make words.

It is. I submitted it
to the dictionary.

- You hear back?
- Almost.

You almost heard back?

Guys, I need a little help
here, please.

You're fine. I mean, you didn't
go home with her, did you?

No. Dude.
(Chuckles) Birthday sex?

Look, petering out
is not working, all right?

Apparently, I petered in
two and a half times.

What's the half?

I don't know. She said
it was like a French thing.

Don't panic. Just gotta
crank it up a notch.

Make this chick realize
really quickly

that you are not boyfriend material.

Dude, I am awesome
boyfriend material, okay?

I like long walks.
I like puddles...

jumping in and jumping out.

I like listening
to really long stories

about who sat next to who
at yoga. I'm in trouble.

Look, you're not in trouble.

Do what I say, and by the end
of one horrible date,

she'll break up with you.
You just gotta show her

that you're unreliable
and cheap and weird.

Wait, dude. That sounds like
the plot of a Dane cook movie.

No, but it should be.
It is that awesome.

Yeah.

(Car alarm blaring)

I know. I know.
I'm so late.

See, I don't own a watch

because what is time anyway
but a man-made shackle?

That is almost literally

my high school yearbook quote
verbatim.

I hate rushing places!
(Laughs)

Soul mates!
Oh!

(Laughs) Come on!
(Mouths words)

Al, this is Chelsea.

She's from New Jersey.
She works in Finance,

and she's a volunteer for NPR.

You're from New Jersey?

That is totally
the best "Real Housewives,"

but I am legitimately
worried about Danielle.

Oh. I don't own a TV.
What... do you do at night?

I journal.
All night?

I feel like all these girls
look like Jane.

Yep, it's like they took
the roof off a Tory Burch store

- and emptied it into this apartment.
- What's Tory Burch?

She's, uh, she's a designer.

It's kinda preppy,
boho-chic meets upt...

Are you sure you're gay?
Are you sure you're not gay?

Hey, sluts.
What?

Derrick and I just came

from three separate
farmers' markets.

Announcement... heirloom tomatoes
are the new beets.

What? D-r-a-m-a. Drama!
Drama!

(Chuckles) Right there.
Yep, for veggies.

Do I know that guy?

Oh, that's my new B.F.F., Derrick.

(Derrick) Penny Arcade!

Come over here and
help me mock this couch!

Isn't he amah-zing?

I'm very happy for you,
Kathy Griffin. (Squeals)

Who's Kathy Griffin?
Okay, so you're not gay.

Yeah, I don't have any cash,

and the bank just called,
a.k.a. my parents.

And apparently I maxed out
my credit card

breeding boa constrictors, so...

Okay, stop right there.

I love... that you can
admit that.

Oh. (Chuckles)

(Laughs)
I'm happy to pay.

Okay. Of course you'd wanna
do that. That's great.

I do. (Laughs)
(Groans)

Okay, so...
Yeah.

I have the best story.
This is insanity.

- We're at Ungo having brunch, and the
waiter... (Snores) - Oh, my God. Snore.

Jeez, skank. Have you ever told
a story? I'll take it from here.

Okay, cut to... cute waiter
walks up, right?

And little miss push-up bra is
so eager to flirt with him...

Basically,
I said to the waiter...

...that she spits up
her scrambled eggs on his pants.

What? I'm like, say it,
don't spray it,

you stupid clumsy bitch.
(Laughs)

(Laughs) - You're such a clumsy bitch.
- You are a clumsy bitch.

Ahh! Oh, my God.
(Brad) Ohh!

You're right, Pen,
he is amah-zing.

Yeah. Yeah.
He's hilarious.

Al, this is Trish.

She summitted
Mount Kilimanjaro last year.

They call it "Killy," right?

And she makes hammocks.

So you guys have a lot in common.

I'm... sorry, Trish.
You seem great, really,

but I've already found
a roommate.

Oh! Okay.

Eek. Sorry. (Laughs)
Thank you, Jane.

So... Who did we choose?

My first choice...
Samantha, with the red hair.

I don't understand.
I just introduced you

to ten other girls who would
make way better roommates.

Yeah, for you, okay?
But I want someone cool.

I-I don't care if they
"look good on paper"

or "have great references"
or "climbed Mount Kilimajoojoo."

Why are you putting everything
in air quotes?

'Cause that's who I am,
and I'm sorry

if I don't wanna live with any
of these boring, lame girls.

Ohh...

(Operatically) ♪ Drama ♪

(crunches)

Bro, nothing is working.

I think this crazy chick
is falling in love with me.

I do not wanna crush her,

being that I have recently
been crushed, all right?

It is not fun. (Whispers) What do I do?

This is what you do. Before she
gets back from the bathroom,

you get down on your knees
and you pray to God

that the restaurant explodes.

Act of God? Really, man?
That's the best you've got?

(Screaming)
Aah! Aah!

Oh, my God! I got the job!

I'm gonna be a backup dancer
for Ke$ha's European Tour!

I leave Thursday!

- Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much!
- Dude, the restaurant just exploded.

(Beep) Oh, God, what's
gonna happen to us?

Oh, you can't think about us.
No, no, you just...

You just gotta do you, you know?

You... you can't separate
the dancer from the dance.

Oh, my God.
You are amazing, Moo-Moo.

Oh. (Chuckles)

After you, doodle bug.

(Laughs)

This has been the best date
I ever...

Aah!
(Thud)

Ohh! Uh... Andrea,
are you okay? (Moaning)

Un-drea. Un-drea,
Un-drea, are you okay?

She got hit by a bike messenger?

Of course she did.
Shut up!

I got hit by a cop on a Segway
last Halloween.

Ugh. I was wearing nothing

but dolphin shorts
and a feather green boa.

I tried to steal his hat.
Cut to... Weekend in Cabo.

Then he went back to his
"dumb wife" because I'm fat.

Who... are you again?

Ah, it's D-Rock. I love him.
Come here. Ow. (Laughs)

Dave, let me know if there's
anything I can do to help.

You know, like maybe
I could call her or...

Penny Loafer, please,
this is not about you, okay?

Dave, what you need, right?

Are new pants,
a couple of shake weights,

and a night out at
a Russian foam club with me.

Okay? Moi truly. (Laughs)

Yeah, he literally needs
none of those things.

All right, and there and off.

Dude, look at the bright side.

You're out. I mean, she's going
to Europe on Thursday, right?

No. She's not. You can't
dance with a broken femur.

Debatable.

And because she's gonna be in
a cast for the next eight weeks,

and because she lives
in a 6-story walk-up,

and I feel so bad about what
happened that... (Door buzzes)

She's moving in, isn't she?

(Operatically) ♪ Drama ♪

I'm so glad that we're roommates.

I guarantee you none
of Jane's nerdy choices

would have ever gotten me

this awesome Michael Stars
tank top.

You look hot.
Oh, hey, do you mind

if I get another D.S.L. line installed

and maybe black out a
couple of these windows?

Sure... I guess.

(Telephone rings)

Oh.

(Ring, beep)

Hi, Jane. If you're wondering
how my new roommate is,

she's awesome.

I just called to say that I'm
glad it all worked out for you,

and I really like that tank top on you.

Wait. How do you know what
I'm wearing?

Your awesome Samantha
makes a living by moving in

with cute girls,
setting up webcams,

- and charging people to watch.
- Oh, my God!

That's why she wanted
to eat popsicles

and have a cream cheese fight
yesterday.

Oh, yeah. That's a popular one.
Wait. How did you find this?

Oh, my God.
I know.

Wait. How did you find this?

Uh... just a pop-up on another
thing I was looking at.

What other thing?

A... cooking blog?

Sports?

This is so crazy.

I mean, I thought Samantha
was a cool girl, you know?

Is there any way
that this is a mistake?

Hey, great. Your sister's here.

Do you guys wanna have a pillow
fight or shave your legs together?

Do you want me to handle this?

No. I think we should
do this together.

- (Brad) Oh! Go, Alex.
- (Penny) Cute "t"-tops.

So this just popped up
on the computer?

Why do you people
keep asking me that?

I don't control the Internet, all right?

Hey, Dave. How's it going?

It's going great, Pen.

I've got a crazy girl
and a douche bird

living in my room
thanks to these two idiots.

You guys got any more advice for me?

Nothin'. You got
a serious girlfriend now.

You drowned, bro,
in chick-sand.

I like it and I'm
taking credit for it.

Derrick wants to go
to another brunch.

It's, like, how many
egg white frittatas

can a person eat?
Six in one sitting.

But I thought you loved D-Rock.

I do! No, you know what?
I don't. Okay?

I thought that I wanted

this offensively stereotypical
gay guy, but it's too much.

I mean, I feel like it messes
with the group dynamic.

It does, Pen,
'cause our group already has

an offensively stereotypical
gay guy.

Front row tickets to Gaga,
bitches!

My disgustingly fat manicurist

is, like, literally
trying to kill me.

(Slurps)

Hey, bitches. Whoo! Look who's
working the puppies today!

You don't need a gay husband...

'Cause you're my gay husband.

Aw. I don't really understand
how that works,

but it's the sweetest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

- (Whispers) You're welcome.
- I gotta break up with him.

- Peter-out.
- Move your plans to Wednesday.

- Peter-out's your only option.
- That's the easiest way to do it.

It's the least sexual night
of the...

Hey, Derrick. It's me. Listen.

I don't think we should be
friends anymore. I understand,

but it's for the best. Good-bye. (Beep)

Wow. The conversation really works.

Yeah, Dave, it does.

You know what? This...

(Clatters)
Ends today.

(High-pitched, operatic voice)
♪ Drama ♪

Hi. Un-drea.

Un-drea.

That's what I...
Never mind.

Listen, um...
(Bird squawking)

We need to have a conversation.

What's up? Oh.
(Cell phone chirps)

(Beep)

Hey, mom. What?

Oh, my God! No.

(Organ playing) (Amplified voice)
Mee-Maw Nellie was such a kind soul.

She always carried
butterscotch candies around...

(Voice breaking)
For the grandkids.

(Whispers) I know...
I know you can do this.

No, you can...
you can do it. Okay.

Uh... Ahem.

(Amplified voice) "I remember
one day when I was a little girl

in my favorite polka dot dress... "
Oh, you know what?

I can't... I can't do this.
Un-drea, I'm sorry,

but one minute
you're booping me on the nose,

and the next thing I know,
I'm giving the eulogy

at your grandma's funeral.
(Murmuring)

I'm sorry for your loss,
by the way.

I don't know.
I tried to Peter it out,

and... and then there was
this whole Dane cook thing,

but every time I tried
to get away,

you'd just pull me back in.

Are you kidding? I pulled you in?

All I wanted was a fun hookup,
but then, you, like,

called me 20 minutes
after you left my place,

and then yesterday you
basically asked me to move in

after a week and a half.

Okay, I don't think
this is really the place

to talk about this kind of thing.

I just went along with it

because I didn't wanna
have the conversation.

The conversation sucks.

It blows.
Listen, Dave,

you're a really nice guy, okay?

But... I think we
should see other people.

Okay. Well, I'm outta here. Sorry.

Don't apologize.
Chick-sand.

(Whispers) Yeah.

(High-pitched voice) Boop.

(Scoffs) Okay, hopefully,
this is the last of them.

I mean, why would
she put a camera

on the bottom shelf
of the fridge anyway?

I don't know. Peeps are
into some weird stuff.

Plus, you tend to show
a lot of cleave

when you reach for the crisper.

Oh, gross. I made, like,
three stir-frys last week.

Man, when your gut's wrong,
it's really wrong.

At least it all worked out.

I wouldn't go so far...

$8,000?

(Singsongy)
I got the most hits ever.

Wow.
Yep.

That's real money.
Mm-hmm.

Okay. Put this thing back in
the fridge, take your bra off,

- and let's make a salad.
- What?

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