Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Alex...

You've been my
best friend for 20 years.

I don't know what I
would do without you.

I literally would not want to live.

But I don't have to think
about that ever again

because I get to spend
the rest of my life with...

Stop!

I object!

Who is that?

Alex, I love you!

What... what's happening here?
I skipped the rehearsal,



but I'm pretty sure that
guy's in love with Alex.

Don't do this! You told me yourself

that you don't even know
if you still love him,

and that he let himself go
and that...

That the sex was bad.

Shh! Hey, man! My Nana's here.

Alex, I love you.

Come with me.

Yo, I feel like we're supposed to

- kick this guy's ass or something.
- You do it. You're black.

- He's probably already scared of you.
- Yeah, but you're gay and chubby.

- No one will see it coming.
- Chubby?

Dave, I'm sorry.

I can't do this.



I'm coming. Okay.

Kick-ass!

Whoo!

- I'm sure she'll be right back.
- She's totally regretting this decision.

It's gonna be okay. I promise you.

Huge game changer. Huge.

Uh, I'm... uh...

I'm sorry, bro. Sucks.

Wow. Rollerblades?

Even I think rollerblades are gay,

and I had sex with a dude last night.

I mean, I know she's your
sister and everything, babe,

but that was cold-blooded.

- Are you really not drinking right now?
- Nope.

'Cause I would like to think

that if this happened at my
Massachusetts Civil Union,

and you were the best man,
you would be schlammered.

Jane and I are on our
prepregnancy cleanse.

No meat, no sugar, no booze.
I like to keep a tidy uterus.

She does.

Oh, Dave just texted me. Okay,
he says he doesn't wanna talk,

but that he's... "All
good in the hood"? Whoa.

Why?! (Sobbing)

Mm. Well, here's to the last
time we were ever all together.

They could still work this out.

Are you crazy? Are you a crazy
person? Have you lost your mind?

Because Alex
and Dave will never be able

to be in the same room
together again.

Or a week from now, we're all
gonna be back at the church,

and Dave and Alex are gonna be there,

and we're gonna be laughing

like, "What Runaway Bride situation?"

Alex?

Oh. Hey, guys.

Wassup?

- Hey! How you doing?
- Hey. How's it going?

- Hey, sweetie!
- Great. Really great. I'm kicking ass.

I've been doing lots of stuff.
Uh, taking online yoga,

meeting great people.
They're calling me "Bodhi,"

which is awesome
'cause of "Point Break."

Been watching that a lot.
Totally holds up. Right? Good.

What happened to Lori
petty, right?

Oh! I invented a new drink. Ooh!

Who wants to try a gin smoothie?

- Crazy.
- Ooh!

Little bit of this, lot of that. Uh...

(Loudly) Sidebar...
Penny, thanks for the blender.

It's awesome.

Okay, hey, hey, sweetie,

you and Alex are gonna work this out.

This is just the sad chapter
in your epic love story.

Ah, this is a classic
story of boy meets girl,

boy loses girl to guy on rollerblades,

boy becomes biggest YouTube sensation

since "Kitten Stuck in Tuba."
It's on YouTube?

How many hits?

Oh, barely any. Dave, I'm gonna
break it down for you because I love you.

Your wedding was horrible.
I mean, it was like

a shark attack at a Sunday school.

But there is a positive,

and that is that you
are single right now.

So why don't you go get some pants on?
And let's get you some sex.

I don't want to get some sex.
I wanna get some married...

Oh.
To Alex.

I don't get it, you guys.
Did...Did she say the sex was bad?

You know... Every relationship
has its ups and downs, sweetie.

Yeah, I mean, it was a
big topic of conversation.

I just always
thought it was her fault.

I mean, I might've gotten lazy.
You know, recycled some moves.

But that is s-so bad. Dave, you're
giving off a real Howard Hughes vibe here.

I feel like you're
about ten minutes away

from storing your urine in jars.

Let's go get you some food.
I just ate three French bread pizzas

and most of the world's
largest chocolate bride.

I left the hand... to hold.
Okay.

Guys, I'm okay. I'm good.

I'm just gonna kick back. You
know, recharge the battery.

Besides, I-I got a ton of
thank you notes to write.

"Darkness reigns.

Hope gurgles out its dying breath."

Mnh-mnh. "Thank you for
the beautiful crock-pot."

Okay, you can't send this.
Mnh-mnh.

It's a rough draft. Guys,
I'm gonna be fine, all right?

I-I just need a little me time.
You know, a little "D." time.

Besides, Alex's next move
is probably gonna be to call,

so I should...
stay close to the phone.

She's definitely gonna call.

She went on the honeymoon
with the Rollerblade guy.

Somebody get me some pants.

♪ She make her booty
bounce, bounce, b-bounce...

I kind of feel like we're cheating on Alex.
I know.

You did not have to tell him
that she went on the honeymoon.

- It makes her look bad. - No, Alex
looks bad because she's doing bad stuff.

Yeah, that's like
saying John Mayer's songs

are making John Mayer look bad.

Uh-huh. Ooh.

Yeah.

Ahh.

I love your tattoo.

It really just reminds
me to stay grounded.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
What?

I said, "I love staying grounded"!

Get it!

Whoa! That's my friend, son.
She is... she is a special girl.

Who does that?

Ow. Ow.

Alex?

Hi. That's what you're going with?

Dave, come on.

Listen...

I know there's nothing that I can say.

Please know that I'm so sorry.

So is that guy
your boyfriend, by the way?

Who? Bo?
Ah, of course his name is Bo.

He probably shaves his toes.

No, no, no, no, no.
He's not my boyfriend.

We flirted a little bit at work.

But I have no idea why he
thought I'd run away with him.

Uh... because you did.

And how was our honeymoon, by the way?

Did Bo enjoy the sunset couples massage

- and the having sex with you?!
- What?

I never cheated on you,
and Bo didn't go with me.

Listen, Dave, I didn't
run away with him.

I just... ran away.

I can't believe that you got
the white trash tourist braids!

You look like Predator!
I feel like you're gonna

rip my spine out and
keep my skull as a trophy!

I'm sorry. Okay?

But I've been having
second thoughts for a while.

I mean, think about the past few years.

- Can you honestly say they still
felt the same? - Yes!

Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

$40?

You're welcome.

Alex, you're the only
girl I've ever even liked.

I literally can't even picture
myself with another woman

ever again for the rest of my life.

Have you seen my tongue ring?

God, I hope I
didn't swallow another one.

I do not know who that is.

Ugh! I can't believe he slept
with the "stay grounded" girl.

- In our bed. - On the sheets I got you
for the bridal shower?

Do you know how hard it
is to get slut out of Egyptian cotton?

I can't believe you guys let
him go home with another girl.

Okay, you're not really
in a position right now

to comment on people leaving places

with people that they're not supposed
to leave with.

Come on, Penny! Come on,
Penny, you piece of garbage.

Come on, Penny!

Penny,
please! Penny, please.

Do this, Penny! Penny, take it easy.

Welcome back to the single life, Al.

It has gotten competitive out there.

Let's go, ladies. It's
time to blast our glutes!

While you've been
spooning for ten years,

the whole game changed.

A guy doesn't even have to call anymore.

A text at midnight is basically
a romantic dinner for two.

Hope you're ready to put out.
You know, why don't you just

pull Dave aside tonight at Penny's party

and just talk to him?
You guys are gonna work this out.

He's definitely gonna forgive you.
Were you not at the wedding?

There's nothing better
out there, trust me.

It's just a bunch of poor guys
with, like, weird sexual stuff.

And even when you do it,
they still don't call.

Pen, I was thinking, you know,

is it okay if maybe
I don't come tonight?

I don't want to cause any drama.

Really? You're not gonna come
to my 30th birthday party?

I'll just tell Todd that
you couldn't make it.

You didn't want to meet him.
I'm sorry. Who's Todd again?

Only the future father to
Hailey, Madison, and Mackenzie.

Right. Um, excuse me, ma'am.
Are you done with this machine?

"Ma'am"?

I am gonna go and bawl my eyes out,

and then I will be back
to physically fight you.

Dude, I am so pumped
we're gonna be roomies.

Yeah, it'll be like college
again, except now you're chubby.

Chubby? Is that, like, a thing
that is being talked about?

Know what, bro? When
Jane and I get this house,

- you should come live with us. - Yeah,
the only single people in the suburbs are

pedophiles and lesbian guidance counselors.

Uh-oh, Brad. Look who's here.

Your old friend meat is back.
Mm. I'm good, bro.

Jane made me a nice lunch.

Ugh! Ugh! Man, oh, that smells
like a European basketball player.

Mmm.

This cleanse is brutal.
I lost 11 pounds... today.

More importantly, are you
coming to Penny's party, bro?

She's bringing a new dude,
which is always hi-larious.

Dude, of course I'm
coming to Penny's party.

Why wouldn't I be? Because of Alex?

I am an adult, and I'm gonna
handle this like an adult.

Wassup?!

Mm.

Best night ever.

Max, Jane, you remember Jackie.

Hi.

Oh! Hey. Didn't realize you
were gonna be at this thing.

- Yeah.
- Awkward.

Well, you two already
sorta met, but this is Jackie,

my, uh... I don't know what
to call you. Um, girlfriend?

Girlfriend? Girlfriend?

Mm-hmm.

Total rebound. She means nothing to him.

Jane, stop trying to
fix everything, okay?

Dave and I are through.

Um, I'm gonna need vodka
in a water glass with ice,

and I'm gonna be ordering
"water" from you all night long,

- so one water please. - Did we
start already or do you really want water?

Just bring me vodka.
Okay.

So, Jackie, love your hat.

Thanks. It's signed by
Turtle from "Entourage."

What are you wearing
that's so great, huh?

Hey, everybody!
Hi!

Hey, you two, at least keep
it together for Penny's sake.

Happy Birthday!
Hey! Oh, my God!

Hey, guys.
So, um, this is Todd.

And this is Alex,
Jane, Max, Dave, and...

Hey.

Jackie, Dave's girlfriend.

Great to see you again.

Penny has told me so much
about you guys. So much.

It's awesome how close you
all are. Really special.

- I'm just gonna run and wash
my hands, okay, babe? - Mm. Go.

Mm. Get outta here.

So... isn't he ah-mah-zing?
He seems really great and superhot.

Aw. That dude is gay.

- Sorry?
- He gave me gay eyes, like, right away.

I mean, that dude is
gayer than Dave's jacket.

Okay, I think I would
know if he was gay.

Penny, come on, you had
no idea that I was gay.

This just feels so right.

Totally.

Penny, I'm just looking
out for you, okay?

And what straight guy washes his hands?

Sorry. It's just so
hard to get the soot off.

I'm a volunteer fireman.

Yep, yep. There it is.

Happy Birthday, party people!

Dirty 30!

I thought you were turning 26.

I am turning 26.

What?

Oh, you're serious.

I can't wait to be 26.

I feel like nobody
really takes you seriously

when you're still in high school.

Waitress, another water when you
get a chance.

That bitch young.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

What do you think about Todd?

He's not gay, right?

So, Jackie, what do you
want to be when you grow up?

I either want to be a veterinarian

or have a reality show.

Wow! Those are things.

Say something.
So...Where'd you two lovebirds meet?

jDate. We instantly connected.

Oh, I thought you had to be
Jewish to be on that thing.

I am Jewish.
No, I-I was talking about Penny.

Hey.
Yeah! Penny's also Jewish.

Yay! Yeah! All right!
26-year-old Jew.

Anything else I need to
know, uh, Penny Pen Pen?

Just how to read e-mails labeled...

"urgent party deets."

You know, Jewish dudes are my jam.

Like that Shia LaBeef.
I'd love to connect with him, huh?

Am I right, Todd? I think I'm right.

- I'm more of a Megan Fox guy, bro.
- Oh, are you really?

Okay.

It really is all about
connecting, isn't it, Todd?

I mean, we are so glad
to finally meet you.

- And, Penny, Happy Birthday. - You know
what? I would throw in one caveat, Todd.

You never know when someone
else is gonna come in and connect

with the someone that you
already connected with,

and before you know it,
your nickname on YouTube is

"The Wedding Douche," and
you're living out of a gym bag.

Thanks for coming, everybody.
It feels like only yesterday

that I was born during
the 1984 Olympics,

a young Jewess,

26 years ago.

You know what, Todd? Dave
is right. Things change.

You have to work at the relationship.

Don't shower twice a week and only focus

- on your stuff in bed.
- Okay.

I am a very caring lovemaker.

He is. Here we go!

You know, all I did was
work on our relationship.

You're super high-maintenance.
Wait. So Alex is the runaway bride?

Yes, jailbait, I am the runaway bride,

and I ruined everything for
everybody. And I don't know

what to tell you except
that two minutes before

I'm supposed to walk out
there, Jane's talking to me

about prepregnancy cleanses
and moving to the suburbs.

I don't... I don't have an
excuse except for the fact that...

I freaked out, okay?

Really great bridesmaid work, Jane.

You know, Dave, if a few sentences

can make a girl run out of your wedding,

you weren't really on solid
ground in the first place.

You're not on solid ground!

Not your best comeback, bro.
Come on, everybody. Chill, all right?

Todd must think we're meshugenah.

- Did I say that right, Pen? Right context?
- Yep. Uh-huh.

Because you're Jewish.
Yes.

Look, Alex, honey, just calm down.
Okay.

Have some water.
Uh, mm...

Thank you.

What the hell? This is all vodka!

What? (Scoffs) Waiter.

Jane, you're drinking?
No, you're drinking.

Night of a thousand comebacks.
What about our cleanse?

I've had pure evil coming
out of both ends of my body

for three weeks, and
you're drinking vodka?

I'm sorry. I just...
I... I don't know. I...

I don't want to have
a baby right now, okay?

I did when I thought Alex
and Dave were gonna have one

and live next door, and we were
all gonna be happy together,

but now it's just gonna be
us out there in the suburbs,

all alone, slowly giving up.

Five years later, I'm
rocking butchy mom hair

and dreaming about driving
my burgundy windstar

through a farmer's market.
And Max is living in Santa Fe

with a furniture dealer named Robin.
Is it a girl?

Is it a guy?
I don't know. I don't know,

'cause we haven't spoken in five years!

And then I run into Penny
at... at... at Todd's memorial.

Oh, yeah, he died, but not in a fire...

In a charity bike-a-thon
for families of dead firemen.

Sorry, dude, rough twist.
And Penny and I

don't even recognize each
other because I haven't seen her

- since her 30th birthday party.
- 26th.

And it's all your fault, Alex!

Well, that's what happens
when you drink vodka

on a stomach full of cabbage juice.

Give me that.

Hey, meat.
Mmm.

Nice work, Al.

You're the Michael Jordan
of destroying friendships.

Well, you're the Michael Jordan
of banging underage sluts.

I'm 18, slut.

And who's Michael Jordan?

God, your friends are all so immature.

Wait. Are you 30 or are you 26?

I'm 30 and I'm Catholic

and I'm gonna die alone in
a light-up Christmas sweater,

talking to a menagerie of parrots.

Oh!

Ooh!

I'm so confused right now.
I know you are. Been there.

And you will realize... may not
be today, may not be tomorrow,

may not be a month from
now or a year from now...

But you will wake up one day
and say, "Whoa. I like dudes."

And when that happens, I would
love it if you gave me a call.

We'll go get a beer. We'll rent a movie...
Maybe "Kate & Leopold."

Dude, I'm not gay, okay?

Whoa. What a homophobe.

A homophobe who now has
my number, thank you.

Really excellent work, you two.

That was my worst birthday

since my mom frenched
my boyfriend at Epcot.

So are you 100% sure Todd is gay?
150%.

Our good-bye last night
was a little weird.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah.

Has anyone talked to Dave or Alex?

Yeah, Dave's coming.
So that means we can't invite Alex?

Wow. This sucks.

Hey, guys. Check it out.
Huh? Hi, guys.

Right? Great news.

We are back together.
Just kidding.

I still hate her,

but she did spend four
hours apologizing last night,

which was a pretty good start.
And Dave did admit

- that he's been taking me for
granted for a while. - I did,

but I said that's the kind
of stuff you talk about

before the wedding, not at
the wedding. And I pointed out

that Dave wore flip-flops to
my parents' 35th anniversary.

Mm. It was black-tie optional.

Here we go again.
Another double bloody.

Guys, this is... This is all my fault.

And what I did to Dave was... was horrible,

you know, but... but Dave and
I agree that that's between us,

you know, and it would kill me if...

If I'm the reason that we
all can't hang out anymore.

Yeah, I mean, none of
us has made a new friend

in, like, 11 years.
I wouldn't even know how to do that.

What do you do, just, like,
walk up to random people and go,

"Hey, blah, blah, blah. Sports"?

The only new person I
wanna meet is my husband.

I was once on this
plane with this old lady,

and she tried talking to me.

I just pretended I had some kind of disability.
Buddy.

Hey, Penny, I'm sorry
your birthday got ruined...

But I got you something.

Hey, what is it, rollerblades?
Ugh!

Okay, I apologize.
Ah, don't.

Okay.
Oh!

Happy Birthday!
Hello!

Aw! I haven't been this
happy since my bar mitzvah.

Can you sit down?

Mmm. Don't mind if I do-skis.
Uh, maybe you don't-skis.

You might want to take a little
vacation from the cake, bro.

Is this the chubby thing?

'Cause if it is, just say it to my face.

Do you guys think I look fat?
Well, you got a couple extra pounds.

I think about your health. I
just worry about your health.

To be perfectly honest, you
look like a young Kathy Bates.

Ooh. No, no, no. It's like if Paul Rudd
gave up. I'll take her. I do not mind.

Oh, you're supposed to...

Whoo!
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I love her because she
moves in her own way

♪ oh, oh, oh, she came to my
show just to hear about my day ♪