Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Shershow Redemption - full transcript

Hey, how hard do you guys think it
would be to throw a press conference?

About what?

Yeah, you're right.

I just got an e-mail from
Shershow. He's getting married.

- Who would marry Shershow?
- Oh, this is crazy.

"Though Melinda and I met
but two short months ago",

"our bond is an inseparable"

"as the na'vi people's hair penetration"?

That guy's such an idiot.

Shershow's getting married.
This Saturday, on our anniversary.

No, our anniversary is... this Saturday!



This is classic Shershow
to get married on our day.

You're gonna have to change
all the plans you made.

Damn it! They were
such good plans, too.

It's... all the... the chocolate and...

trips and...

Chocolate trips?

candles...

silk sheets and...

- oil...
- Hmm?

- Gotta have oil.
- Okay.

Seriously, guys.

I can't believe Shershow
is getting married before me.

He was my safety. I mean, we made a pact,

if we didn't find anyone by 40,
then we'd just marry each other.



You'd actually marry Shershow?

It's kinda like the gun
in my grandma's purse.

She hopes she doesn't have to use it,

- but she likes knowing it's there.
- Hmm.

I mean, I thought Shershow was
the safest safety possible.

The guy's a maniac. How many
times have we bailed him out?

Once out of jail and once
out of an actual boat.

Oh, right.

Remember that summer he stayed with us?

Whoa! Where's my Bulls game?

And why do we have 15 hours
of Paury Povich?

Because I'm in a Fantasy Povich league.

Excuse me. Let me just nestle through here.

Oh, golly.

- Ugh. Such a deep belly button.
- Ugh.

It wasn't as bad as the time he
made smoothies at my apartment.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

- Shershow has issues.
- Says the guy who wears

the pajama top to the bar.

- Ha ha!
- It's true.

You know what? Actually,
now that Shershow's getting

his life together, that kinda
makes you the new Shershow, man.

- Yes!
- Yes, you are.

Can I get a beer, please?

Your life is in shambles.

Well, the joke is on all of you,

because I am wearing
my bathing suit bottoms.

Brad, pay for my beer.

Oh, he has bathing suit bottoms on!

- He is gonna die soon.
- I can't! I can't.

Shershow!

Shershow!

Happy Endings 1x12 - The Shershow Redemption
Original air date May 25, 2011

So, Al, did you have fun
on your date last night?

Uh, I wouldn't go that far.

- I had a great time.
- Me, too.

So... should I get a condom?

What? No!

Sweet! I hate condoms, too.

- Who does that?
- They all do that.

I forgot how much dating sucks,

and I just wish I could find a normal guy,

'cause to be honest, it's
been a while since I did

- the old lay down, move around.
- I'm sorry. What was that?

You know, the old downtown parade.

- I don't follow.
- Mm... Still not getting it.

- Sex! I'm talking about sex!
- Ohh!

- Oh, the lay down, move 'round...
- Okay, and then you... yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi!

Thought I'd bring you some... sandwiches.

What is going on here?

Just some girl talk.
Bub-bub-bub-bub-bub.

Wait. You guys are talking about
Alex and a dude, right?

- No.
- Guys, I'm cool. I mean, we are friends.

We gotta be open about this kind of stuff.

You're right. All right, so basically

I go out on a date with Connor.
One kiss, and he's pulling out...

Okay, that's a good start.

So should we exchange
anniversary gifts today

since we won't be here on Saturday?

No, let's wait... five to eight
more business days.

- Couldn't have overnighted it?
- Hmm?

- Oh, hey, guys.
- What are you guys doing here?

Shershow over here got
in a fight with our cable guy.

It was raining shin kicks.

- Needless to say, no más ESPN deportes.
- Well, riddle me this.

If I'm so Shershow, how
come the real Shershow

just asked me to officiate
his wedding? Boom.

Stink it. Now if you'll excuse me,

- I have to apply for my minister's license.
- You mean renew your license,

'cause you officiated our wedding.

You did have your license
when you married us, right?

Funny story... no?

What's happening with her face?

Ah, she's "beautiful mind-ing" it.

Just gotta let it play itself out.

Brad! You know what this means, right?

We get to have honeymoon sex again,

and I get to put my c...ar
keys in your a...ttic?

- We get to get married again!
- No, no, technically, I think you guys

- are still married.
- Yeah, but now we get to have

- the perfect wedding that I always wanted.
- Babe, our wedding was perfect.

Yeah, to everyone but us.
We didn't get the prime rib

we wanted because your lesbian
vegan aunt adopts cows,

and what about your 2-year-old
niece that your sister

begged to be our flower girl
and swore was potty-trained?

Rose petals were not the only
thing she dropped in that aisle.

It wasn't that bad...

Poops, Brad. Madison pooped on our wedding.

But now we get to do it right!

This is gonna be so great!

Ow!

- Thanks a lot, Max.
- Classic Shershow.

Hello, Wisconsin.

Oh, my God. Would you stop saying that?

Wow. This is so nice. I always thought

if Shershaw ever got married,
it'd be in a women's prison.

- Jane, that was the lawyer.
- Oh.

All we gotta do is sign some papers,

and we're 100% married.
No re-wedding necessary.

Too late. Brain wheels are already turning.

You know what that gesture
actually means, right?

What's up, nerds? Going with the grocery
bag luggage thing now, Shershow?

Uh, it's called living a green lifestyle.

You might wanna look into it, big oil.

And I'll show you how un-Shershow I am

when I officiate the crap out of
his wedding ceremony tomorrow.

- I bet you all 20 bucks I make you cry.
- You don't have 20 bucks.

I will find 20 bucks
and use it as dental floss,

'cause I won't need it so bad,
and besides, Penny is the one

that is Shershow. I mean,
her safety's getting married.

- How depressing is that?
- Okay, come on, Max. I was never

gonna marry that guy.
And anybody who would...

must be busted in la fa-ce.

Hey, guys!

Hey!

- Hey.
- More like awesome in la fa-ce?

Damn.

I'm so glad that you guys made it. Hi!

Hi! You look great! And you...
my God, you smell good.

Yeah, I realized that aluminum

is a really important
component of deodorant.

- Everybody, how are you?
- Hi!

Let me introduce you to my love.
This is Melinda.

I am so happy that you guys
were all able to make it

on such short notice. I'm leaving next week

to deliver solar ovens to Honduras.

Wow. Shershow, you hit it out of the park.

She's both beautiful and says
"Honduras" the fancy way.

- She's really pretty.
- Pretty? I mean, she's a living doll.

- I am attracted to you.
- Conduct.

- Very much so, and I am a gay man.
- Okay.

Yeah. Can you believe
that I got a girl like this?

Pen, I was kinda counting
on our safety pact.

I was afraid I was gonna end up
like one of those sad lonelies,

you know? The kind
that cry at intersections.

Good thing I dodged that bullet.

So what's been going on
with you? How are you?

I'm engaged!

- What?
- What?

- What?
- Yeah.

So, Penny, that's great. You...
you got engaged. To who?

Uh... uh, my fiancé.

So where's your fiancé? Why
isn't he here with you now?

There is a storm. Storm's a-comin'.

- Mm.
- Up the coast and the channels.

- Big storm.
- So, he really couldn't make it,

but you know what? Uh, why
are you calling me? He's obsessed with me,

he calls me constantly. Excuse me.

Anyways, you guys, Jason has
told me so much about you.

- Who's Jason?
- That's Shershow's first name.

- It's so Shershow that you don't know that.
- Max... Brad... Jane...

- Dave... Alex.
- Hi...

I'm sorry, you guys.
I actually have to get going.

I have to tell my aunt Cathy
that this isn't her wedding.

Yeah, totally. I hate pushy relatives.
It's like, "this my day!", right?

No, not right. She has advanced
Alzheimer's, and it's been

a really trying time for my
family. She thinks it's 1952.

Ooh. She's gonna freak out
when she sees Brad in the hotel.

- Yeah.
- Sorry.

It's okay.

Wow. Did it seem like
she was cold to me, or...

Yeah, she thinks that
you're a wedding jinx,

so she's really worried that
you're gonna ruin the weekend.

What? A wedding jinx?
I've only ruined one wedding.

Yeah, and Yoko only ruined one Beatles.

I'm gonna check in.

Hello, room.

Hope you're ready for
some sex to be had in you.

Okay, you don't have to say that
to every hotel room we stay in.

It's just a courtesy.

- Ooh.
- Ow.

Aw. "Shershow-Rogers
wedding, October 19th."

I love our anniversary date.

Oh, my God. If we got married tomorrow,

we could still have the same anniversary.

But tomorrow's Shershow's wedding.

So we'll just do it right after, up
here with all our friends. Great.

- I mean, it does...
- Perfect, perfect. I am gonna order the cake

- and the flowers...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Look,

can you please not get too crazy

- with this whole fake wedding thing?
- I made a big mistake.

- Ooh. Ya think?
- I panicked.

I mean, I'm an independent
woman and everything,

but no matter how hard
you sing along to Liz Fair

or how many women's surf camps you go to,

when the chips are down,
you're going fake fiancé.

No big deal. Just tell Shershow that
your fiancé couldn't make it.

It might be too late for that.

What's up, skanks?! Whee! Ugh. I'm fat.

- Hi!
- Hey, you guys remember Derrick.

You guys so remember me,
and I don't remember you.

Just kidding. It's Max, Brad,
and some blonde lady.

Penny Pasta, seriously, I need
to go to the little girls room.

I've had so many half-caf skim
lattes on the drive up, okay?

This right here... it's happening, okay?

Get into it. Drama.

He's all I could get last minute.

Guys, he can totally pull off straight.

- In college, he minored in theater.
- Yeah, but he majored in dudes.

Whoa, girl.

Damn.

Hey, so you agree. Melinda's being crazy.

There's no such thing
as a wedding jinx, right?

No, no, our wedding went
off without a hitch.

Literally, nobody got hitched. Kidding!

We are here, we're friends,

and we are gonna do it up at
this rehearsal dinner.

Hey, maybe you'll meet a guy.
Maybe I'll meet a girl.

Yeah, well, I haven't had much luck

in the guy department lately.

Wait. You know, um, maybe we
could be each othes wingmen.

I mean, we could do
that, right? We're buds.

Totally. Yeah.

So... you wanna be my wingman?

I do.

Where was that six months ago?

Kidding! I'm kidding.

Here we go.

Hey, Penny. You look stunning.

So introduce me to the lucky guy.

Shershow, this is Derrick.

That's my name,

- so don't wear it out.
- What's happening?

This hors d'oeuvre is, like...
really weird, right?

Yeah, I guess it is weird... baby quiche.

It's like a tiny... egg pie.

Great. Well, uh, I'm gonna go mingle.

Oh, my God! Penny, Penny Ty Pennington,

we are so doing it! I'm gonna
win a Tony this weekend.

Really? Your idea of playing straight

- is Danny Zuko from "Grease"?
- You don't like it. It's not a problem.

I've got plenty in the kitty.
Niles from "Frasier".

Oh, Frasier,

- don't you think it's...
- That's not gonna work.

- That's all I've got.
- Oh, my God.

I'm not seeing a very
deep talent pool here.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Now
this guy's got some...

braces.

Ooh. Hello.

Target acquired.

All right, I'm on it.

Ooh! Jeez.

Oh, God.

Can you please just leave it?

- Yeah.
- She's the wedding jinx.

- Mmm, these are good.
- Not as good as shrimp.

- Shrimp? I love shrimp. There's shrimp here?
- Nope, no shrimp,

just like there wasn't any shrimp
at our wedding. Remember?

'cause your cousin Erin was so allergic.

But things could be different this time.

Two words for you... "shrimp fountain."

Mmm. Four words...
"I like shrimp fountains."

Then you shall have one.

And I can get my cake
because there's a local bakery

that makes a ganache that'll make you cry.

Woman totally played me.

Go on. Scoop it up.

It's true.

Oh, I forgot to tell you that
Dave owns his own food truck.

OMG! You have a truck made out of food?

Give us a sec?

- We need to keep looking.
- I've never felt so smart.

- Have you guys seen Derrick?
- Oh, yeah, he mentioned something

about meeting up with Kenickie
to race the Scorpions.

- That was good.
- Thanks.

- Ooh. Yikes.
- Ooh. That didn't look good.

Mel and I have been best friends

since we were 10.

I would do that again and again.
And now I have two best friends.

Love you, Melinda and Jason.

Okay, would anyone from the groom's side

- like to say anything?
- Mm.

No.

- No, no, no.
- Don't, Pen.

- Pen...
- Boop, boop.

I want to say something. I do.
You're cute, but I'm cuter.

- Hey, everybody.
- Mm!

My name is Penny Hartz. Ding!

Yep.

And I'm one of Shershow's oldest friends.

And how amazing is it
that we both fell in love

at the same time?

You found Melinda,
and I... I found Derrick.

- Sing it, bitch! Whoo!
- Magical night.

Ahem!

So congratulations, Melinda and Shershow.

You have found each other,
and now you will never have

to pretend to be something that you're not.

So let's raise our glasses...
I'm going down.

Ohh!

- Classic Shershow.
- That's a nipple.

- Oh.
- Oh, rough night for Pen.

Oh, poor girl. She rode
that thing like a bobsled. Ugh.

Yeah.

I'd invite you in, but Brad
made a promise to our hotel room

that I gotta help him keep.

That's all right. Go on.
I'm fine on my own.

Oh, boy.

- Hello?
- Housekeeping?

Can you... come back... later?

I'm about to have sex.

Yeah.

Gracias.

Hey. How'd the rest of your night go?

Oh. Didn't do much.

Just... went to bed.

Oh, yeah?

Yep. And Tiffani was in
that bed, and we had sex.

Busted!

Well, you know...

how I love great public speakers.

And you... you were a fantastic wingman.

Thank you.

This me-and-you-friends
thing is kinda nice.

Yeah, it is nice.

You know what else was nice?
Tiffani was doing this thing...

All right.

Tell Max and Brad.

And then you grabbed the mic
and did 15 minutes of stand-up

about the difference between men and women.

At least I didn't bust out my...

Korean grandma! Hee-hee! Hee-hee-hee!

Oh, grandma Geisha? She came out.

Hey, guys, did you get our
paperless post invitation?

oh, you mean to your weird re-wedding

- after Shershow's real wedding? Yeah.
- Yeah. Just make sure you R.S.V.P.,

so I can get an exact head count.

There's only six of us.

Yep. Just R.S.V.P. Don't see
what the big problem is. Okay?

At least you only act crazy
when you're drunk.

Oh, my God. Shershow is
runaway-grooming it.

I wouldn't call that running away.

He's kinda more sauntering.

He's the sauntering-away groom.

Shershow, where are you going?

Um, I was just trying to see...

- if all the luggage fit in the car.
- Oh, nice try.

Yeah, but what you said last
night really freaked me out.

I mean, I am... I'm pretending
to be someone I'm not.

I'm not this guy. I'm Shershow.

But... You're not. You've got a job now

- and a car with a hatchback.
- Yeah, it's pretty sweet, huh?

It makes loading and unloading
a breeze. But we both know that

I'm just gonna end up screwing all this up.

I mean, I'm gonna oversleep
some morning where we have

a really big meeting, or they're
gonna send me out to get

a party sub, and I'm just gonna
come back with a python.

Why would you do that?

Because I'm Shershow.
I'm the type of guy who...

who gets mustard on his shirt
when I'm not even eating mustard.

I'm Shershow! That's who I am.

Not anymore you're not. You are Jason now.

And you deserve an
amazing girl like Melinda.

Really?

Yeah.

Now let's go get you married.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Ooh, that's a heavy one.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

I can't believe they made me sit back here.

There's no such thing as a wedding jinx.

Ooh.

- That can't be good.
- Oh, come on.

- Don't go, don't go.
- This feels familiar.

Ohh.

- I gotta go talk to Melinda.
- No, you don't wanna do that.

- I have to.
- ...And she's doing it.

In my experience...

this is not gonna turn out well.

Really?

Yeah.

Should I go after her?

It doesn't matter.

I'll stay.

Melinda...

look, don't do this.

Okay, I know you're scared. You
probably looked down that aisle

and saw your whole future,
and it wasn't perfect,

but that doesn't mean it can't be great.

Okay, don't do what I did,

or you'll wind up pretending
to be best friends

with the guy who could've
been the love of your life.

No, I wasn't running away.

My bustier broke, and my boobies
were just all over the place.

Oh. Well...

well, they look hot now.
So I'm going to go.

Hey.

I just...

wanted to make sure everything was okay.

Yeah, fine.

I'll go now.

I'm gonna need that. Yeah. Thank you.

"...In your embrace, my heart retreats."

"Love... a force of beating time."

"Love... a war I cannot fight..."

Damn, man.

That son of a bitch.

Well, lost 20 bucks, but it's worth it.

"...because to sleep is not to dream."

"To sleep is to not leave your touch."

"For a few hours and days,
I would rather stay awake."

Jason, Melinda...

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

So... Pretty intense convo
between you and Melinda.

What? No. That? I was just...
I was saying anything I could

to get her to come back out to the wedding.

I mean, I was this close
knocking her over the head

and walking her out like
"Weekend at Bernie's" style.

- Right, totally. That's what I thought.
- Yeah.

Well, congrats on not being
the wedding jinx anymore.

Thanks.

Wanna dance?

Yeah.

Mmm. You okay?

Yeah. I'm not... I'm not
emotional about Shershow.

I'm emotional 'cause of your ceremony.

It was genius to go Neruda after Sade

after quotes from dead grandparents.

You nailed it.

Penny, my job as the man of the cloth

is to create a bridge between
the congregation and the couple

built on honesty and mutual respect.

Now give me that money, bitch!

What's wrong?

You gonna make me talk about feelings?

Fine.

Blah, blah, blah, you're a great girl.

Blah, blah, blah, you're
gonna meet a great guy.

Blah, blah, blah, until then,

you got me. Let's dance.

Aw. You're my gay-fty... my gay safety.

I got it.

Okay. I wasn't sure.
Thanks.

Babe, I thought about it,

and I canceled the cake
and shrimp fountain.

We were so close to having a perfect
wedding. Why'd you give it up?

The fact that you were willing to
go along with me on this insane idea

made me realize I don't
need the perfect wedding.

- I have the perfect husband.
- Aw!