Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 1, Episode 11 - Barefoot Pedaler - full transcript

What?

You realize a breakfast that
size is meant for people

who are about to go work
on a field for 12 hours.

Yeah, well, the rest of my day's open,
so maybe that's what I'm gonna do.

Guys, Barefoot Pedaler's
playing at the wheelhouse.

Wow.
A '90s hippie Jam band.

Aw! You know what I'd
rather listen to?

Myself being shot in the face.

Oh, come on, Max. We have had

some awesome nights
with The Pedalers.

We had one of our first
dates at a Pedaler show.



Yeah, we did.

- He was the only black guy there.
- I was like Rosa Parks,

except for something that
didn't matter at all.

Guys, I really think we need
to go to this Pedaler show.

I mean, they haven't played
in Chicago in years.

- I will attend ironically.
- It'd be great to see Tommy again.

Oh, my God. Here it comes.
I'm just telling you.

I don't think we have time for the whole
story. Here it comes. She's gonna go...

it was December '99.

- Here it is. - And it was right
after Pedaler got huge,

but, like, before they
got small again.

He was the best
electric fiddler in the world,

and I... I was just a girl.

We made love like warrior poets.



How do you even do that?

And then he invited
me to tour with them,

but I had
an early morning psych final.

Got a B-minus...
And I'm still single.

Ridiculously long story short,
Penny was a groupie...

And now she may
or may not have the herp.

Wow, I was so not
a groupie, okay?

He was super into me, and if you
don't believe me, ask Alex.

Ahem.
Who is not here.

Wait, guys. Did you not
invite Alex because of me?

- No!
- No, not at all.

Mnh-mnh.
She was busy.

- Uh, we gotta go. Yeah.
- Oh! We do. We do have to go.

- I haven't even finished my coffee yet.
- Oh, it's okay. Take it to go.

Aah! I burned my mouth!

Guys, what's the rush?
Aren't we gonna hang out?

Oh, we actually have to go
to, um...

- My grandma's funeral.
- What?

Uh, it's the new
Tyler Perry movie.

- Yeah, yeah. Ahem.
- See you guys later.

- See ya! Bye!
- See ya later, man.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey!

- Alex.
- Ready for breakfast?

- Starving.
- Mm-hmm.

- What?
- Oh, I forgot to tell you guys.

- Barefoot Pedaler's in town.
We should all go. - Um...

- You know what? I can't that night.
- I haven't told you what night it is yet.

- Yes, you did.
- No.

- You did, yeah.
- I think I left my...

my keys... what's going on?

- Dave?
- Is this what's happening now?

You guys rushed me out of breakfast
because you have plans with Alex?

No. What? No. What?
No. What?

No... ahem. You're in a loop, babe.
You're in a loop.

I cannot believe that you guys
double-booked breakfast.

- Wait. Wh-what's going on?
- I don't know what he's talking about.

- I was just here, eating with them.
- No.

- Yes! - Dave, you're scaring us.
We haven't seen you today.

Really? You're gonna try
to "groundhog day" me?

Dave, you're scaring us.
We haven't seen you today.

Wait. You double-booked
breakfast just to keep us apart?

We had to. It has been brutal
to hang out with you guys.

Yeah, maybe it has something to do
with what happened at your wedding.

No!

Dave? I'm sorry.
I can't do this.

I'm coming. Okay.
Whoo!

I mean, it could be
something else,

but... it's not.

Okay. That happened...

but we are moving on.

Are you? 'Cause every time
you're together,

it seems like pretty much
anything can trigger you

into a huge fight.

So what are we doing tonight,
guys...

Chinese food or, uh,
pizza pizza?

Oh, Alex does not
like Chinese food.

What? I never said that. It's
just we always used to order

cashew chicken all the time.
I'm sorry if I got bored

of eating cashew chicken
a bajillion times.

Really? So...

Well, now you can have
any kind of chicken you want.

You can have
sweet and sour chicken.

You can have lemon chicken.

You can have any filthy chicken
that you pick up at a bar

or meet at the gym,
'cause I'll tell you something.

You are never getting
cashew chicken again.

I-I don't think
he's talking about chicken.

Okay, look, you are
one of my oldest friends,

and you are my sister,
and I love you both,

but it's just easier
to do things... separately.

Things?
So it's not just breakfasts?

Breakfasts, dinners,
drinks, movies.

And we had to rent
"The road" twice,

and it is not that funny
the second time.

So this is why you didn't want
to go to the concert with me.

'Cause you were already going
with Dave. It's ridiculous.

We're fine! Right, Dave?

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

In fact, we are so fine,
that I-I think we should go

to the Pedaler concert
together.

Really? That is a great idea.

You guys would be cool
with that?

- Yes!
- Yes! Of course.

- All right.
- Okay. Okay, cool.

This is gonna be awesome.

This is gonna be terrible.
I mean,

they say that they're fine,
and then one small thing

is gonna trigger them again.

Yeah, and they always try
to get me to take sides.

Let me ask you
a question, Brad.

Do you think that
cashew chicken is boring?

Or do you think that
cashew chicken is a total catch

that any lady would be lucky
enough to eat and, in fact,

cashew chicken passed up
on a lot of hot, smokin' ass?

Oh, right. Ahem.

Because cashew chicken
is a completely loyal chicken!

I'm actually allergic to nuts.

I don't want Dave and Alex
there. Already gonna be

a crazy enough night
when I see Tommy again.

- Oh, my God.
- Our chemistry was explosive.

It was like Whitney and Bobby.
You mean Eli Whitney and Justin Bobby?

'Cause those are also two people
that mean nothing to each other.

If I didn't mean
anything to him,

- who's the song "Jenny" about?
- A girl named Jenny?

No, Jenny is Penny.

Think about it. Take the "J,"
flip it, close the loop,

- what do you have?
- Lowercase "B"?

- No.
- A lowercase "D"?

No. Flip it the other way.

- "Q."
- No. Penny.

Ohh.

This sucks. I mean,
I just wanna go and party

and not have to worry about
babysitting Dave and Alex.

Now I already have it
in my phone.

Friday night, 9:00 P.M.
till question mark... rage.

And I do not mean a small rage.

I mean, like,
Mardi Gras-style rage.

Okay?

Laissez les bons temps rouler!

It's "Let the good times roll."

When Jane gets drunk, she turns
into a creole riverboat captain.

- Guar-on-tee! - That's it.
No more "true blood" for you.

No, Jane's right.
If they come to the concert,

we're not gonna have any fun.
It's just gonna turn

into another episode of
the Dave and Alex show.

I think we know
what we need to do.

So Brad and Jane
can't go to the show.

Jane's throwing up 'cause
she's got food poisoning,

and Brad's throwing up

because he can't see
other people throw up,

so it's a general puke spiral
over there.

Penny and Max called and said
they can't come either.

Penny got locked in a mall,
and Max found a baby.

What? That's ridiculous.

They can't even come up
with good excuses.

They just don't wanna see us.
Yeah, this sucks,

'cause I really wanted
to see the show.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Maybe we should just go.

- Unless...
- No.

Unless you don't wanna hang,
just you and me.

No, no, we should
totally... go... together.

We should go
on a road trip together.

We could see every ballpark
in America.

Uh, why don't we just
start with a concert?

Yeah. Okay.

- Hey. - Hey.

All right.

Uh...

This isn't
gonna be weird at all.

No, it's gonna be
totes normal...

Except that
I just said "totes."

- Come on. Let's show 'em what a
good time they're missing. - Okay.

Okay.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Nice.

Wish I could see their
faces when they get this.

Yeah.

Hey, guys.
We just got your text.

What's going on?

First you lie to us, and then
you show up without us?

Well, I know this looks bad,
but in our defense,

we didn't think you guys
were gonna come here.

Dude, how is that a defense?

I can't believe the two of
you guys came together.

Yeah, we did,
because we're fine,

like I told you
a bajillion times.

You do know that that's not
a real number, right?

'Cause you use it a lot.
I just...

Neither is bajina.
Not a real word.

Guys, come on. What better way
to bring us back together

than to go to a Pedaler show?

I mean, come on.
Let's be the college us.

Yeah. Who dat say we ain't
gonna have some fun? Huh?

Who dat? Who dat? Who dat say
we ain't gonna have some fun?

- Huh? Who dat?! Who dat?!
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Pump the brakes,
James Carville.

White guy
with rainbow dreads. Drink!

Oh, girl with armpit hair.
Girl with leg hair.

Jon Lovitz! Drink, bitches!

I have no idea how
you win this game...

Mm! Ahh!

But I am positive
Jane's in the lead.

- In the lead!
- In the lead!

How are you more drunk than me?

- 'Cause I pre-gamed.
- Okay, babe, let's play a new game.

It's called
"feed my wife some food."

- I'm gonna grab you something.
Okay, honey? - I wish we were closer!

Oh, I kinda like chilling out
back here, you know? I...

I hear you guys.
Want me to go backstage, talk to Tommy,

and see if he can get
us a table up front?

No one said that at all.

Message received.
Arm twisted.

Besides, I wanna let him know
I'm here just in case

he wants to pull me up onstage
when they sing "Jenny".

You guys think she'll
come to her senses, right?

I don't have to be on
Penny patrol all night?

I still look 20, right?

Eee.

I got it.

See? We're having fun!

Yes, and it's only
getting better.

Mm-hmm.

It's called closure.
The wedding is behind us. Mm.

I sent back all the gifts.
Wrote the thank-you notes. Done.

Wait. You sent out the thank-you
notes? What'd you say?

Oh, I just... I put down what Emily
post recommended in this situation...

"We are returning your thoughtful gift
because the wedding didn't take place. "

Kind of vague, don't you think?

I mean, that's like saying

the rest of J.F.K.'s tour of Dallas
did not take place.

What was I supposed to write?

There's the trigger.
Here come the fireworks.

No. No. No, no.

What's going on?
We're fine. We're fine.

Yes. We are not airing our
dirty laundry in public.

Yeah, no more laundry, mon cher.

Her undies are clean,
and they're stacked

in the drawer next to the socks

which are...
in the little balls.

Clean clothes!

Woman, put this veggie
burrito in you now.

Ahh. I'm drunk.

I've done this a million times.
Just act like you belong.

Shut up, Steven Tyler.

- No, you know I love mah-jongg.
- Mah-jongg?

Um, Steven Tyler,
okay, I gotta go

'cause I gotta head backstage and... oh.

You're not going anywhere
without a pass.

Hey, listen, hi, handsome.

You know, let me let you in
on a little secret.

Um, me and Tommy, you know,
the electric fiddle player?

We have a history,
and it's a sex history.

Okay,
is your plan to make things

- super-awkward for everybody?
- It's not awkward.

Actually, it is.

Hey, can I, uh, get four beers?

And I promised my super-drunk
friend that I would ask...

- Do you guys have po'boys?
- Shut the front door! Dave Rose!

D. Rose in the hizzy!
What's up, bro? Hey.

Brody Daniels.
What's up, dude?

What's up, man?
Yeah, man.

Oh, jeez, I haven't
seen you since you got arrested for...

Breaking into
Kelly Kirkpatrick's dorm room!

Bro, yeah, man! Boom.
Married her.

Boom, boom. Two kids.

Ooh. Doing good, man.
Got this landscaping thing going.

It's cool, man. Let me know
if you need any, like,

light-up rocks or whatever, man.

Yeah, thanks.
Man, that's awesome.

Congrats On the Rocks thing.
Thanks so much.

Whoa, whoa. I saw that Youtube thing,
man. That wedding thing?

Dude, that was a real kick in
the downstairs stuff, bro.

No, thanks, man.

Wow.
I-I appreciate that.

Dude, no, man,
I appreciated it.

Everyone on my e-mail list
appreciated it.

Hey.
Jane's over the po'boys,

but now she wants to call
all her ex-boyfriends.

Whoa. You're hanging out?

You hang out with the girl that
snipped your speed bag, bro?

- What?
- Dude.

Uh, actually... we are
back together. That's right.

I came crawling back.
I was an idiot.

Dave's an amazing man
and an incredible lover.

Really good lover.
Stamos good.

So you guys are back together?

Yeah.

Uh, cool.

Makes the video less funny,
I guess, but, uh, congrats.

Peace, D. Rose.

Wow. Dodged a bullet there.

Thank you.
What were you thinking?

I didn't like
the way he was laughing at us.

He wasn't laughing at us, Alex.
He was laughing at me,

all right?
Everybody is laughing at me.

I thought I was helping you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you helped me.
You helped me get famous.

You helped me get
my speed bag cut.

You helped me
max out all my credit cards

for a wedding that
never happened!

What up, players?
What's going on?

Everybody having a good time?

Oh, come on!

If you're still so mad at me,
why did you even come?

You said you were fine. Did he
not say he was fine, Brad?

He said some things.
You said some things.

Really just came here to get
some coffee for my wife.

You know what? I thought that I was fine.
I really wanna be fine.

But I think that Jane is kinda
right here. I'll feel okay,

and then all of a sudden,
something will trigger my anger.

So one jackass frat boy
saw the Youtube video.

His name's Brody. No one with
that name has ever mattered.

No, not just one frat boy, Al.
Okay? All of our friends

and thousands
of complete strangers.

And they're not just
watching it anymore.

They're getting creative.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Show her, Brad.

Still waiting on that
coffee, bro, anytime.

All right, you know what?
I got it.

Some Spanish D.J. decided
to make a little auto-tune.

That's awful.

Catchy, though.
Yeah.

Okay, uh, but, you know,
people will move on

to the next hot viral video
in, like, a day.

Some fat kid'll get stuck
in a door.

Why do you keep trying
to whitewash this

as if this thing never happened?

Because it was horrible,
and it was my fault.

I appreciate you saying that
to me and Brad, Al.

Okay? But you know what?

The damage is done, okay?

And there's no taking it back now, so...

Coffee.

Stings a bit.

No, wait, Brad. What do I do?
Please, help me.

Honestly,
you embarrassed the guy

in front of everyone
he's ever known.

It'd be great if there
was, like, some big way

for you
to set the record straight

in front of all of them,
but, unfortunately,

we're not
in a romantic comedy, so...

That's me. He wrote...

He wrote that song about me.
Is your name Jenny?

- Check and mate.
- Has no one heard of poetic license?

You ever heard of a taser license?

Okay, all right. That's real.

Oh, my God. That's him.
Tommy! Hey, Tommy!

Yeah?

It's Penny. Jenny.

Remember Kenosha?

We spent the night
of y2k together

on top of your tour bus
drinking box wine?

Remember we stayed up all night
talking about whether or not

we'd be able to use
our A.T.M. cards in the morning?

And you told me you loved me?

Yeah, I'm sorry, babe.
It's...

It's hard to keep track
of all the broken hearts.

One love?

Oh, my God.

Wait, Penny.

Here you go, dude.

Come on, man. In what world
is that my coat?

Ugh. I can't let Dave leave.
I gotta do something.

Tommy didn't even remember me.

Guys, can we just go, please?

We can't go, okay?
Brad's right.

I need to get up on that stage
and make a big speech,

because life is like
a romantic comedy.

No, I said life is not
like a romantic comedy.

Maybe it is.

What is she doing?

I don't know,
but she's got crazy eyes.

- Excuse me. Move, please.
- Hey!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Uhh!

Dave, wait!

Everyone, I have to set the record
straight on... aah!

Damn, son!

Alex!

Al! What are you doing, man?!

Alex! Alex!

Aah!

Damn! He went down!

Ow!

Hilars.

Whoa.

What's up, Tommy?
Do we know you?

Yes, you do, if the time frame
is "from now on,"

and the place is
"your nightmares. "

Excuse me?

- I'm here for Penny.
- Who?

Jenny? Penny. I know
you remember her, bro.

Yeah. The crazy girl
from out front

that thinks I'm in love
with her.

Yeah. The cr... the crazy chick
that thinks.

Oh, God. She thinks it.

Then how come in April of 2003

did you tell Japanese
"tiger beat"

that the best date of your life
was on your tour bus during y2k

drinking box wine watching
the sun rise over Kenosha?

That means that you and Penny
had a real thing going on.

Or that means that Penny reads
Japanese "Tiger beat" and...

So do you.

I do read it...

When you guys are on the cover.

I mean, I love Barefoot Pedaler.
Do I tell people

I don't like you 'cause I care
what people think about me?

Yeah, and 'cause there are
no gay hippies. Double true.

It's embarrassing. Mahesh,
I bought your solo album.

No one bought your solo album.
J-rock, I was there

when you got out of rehab,
holding up the sign,

"You'll get 'em next time."
I mean, I'm a huge Pedal head.

At least I was...

Until you broke the heart of
the coolest girl in the world.

I'm outta here. I am gone.

Number one fan, peacin' out!

Just as soon as you sign
one of these.

Could you just... uh, one
of these CD's for me, anybody?

And I'm just gonna grab
some souvies... souvenirs.

Anyone wanna sign that?

That taser hurt
every part of my body.

I know.
I can feel it in my chundle.

I know this is embarrassing,
but did you pee yourself?

I thought I was the only one.

You are. I was just asking.

I was just asking.

I don't know what I was
thinking, getting up there.

I mean, I just... I don't know
how to make it right,

but I'm trying to.

I know you are, Alex.
Thank you.

What I don't understand
is why you got up there,

even though you're mad at me.

Well, it's 'cause no matter
what happens between us,

I'll always look out
for you, Al.

Make room. This jackass
just stole the shirt

off the bass player.

Yeah, walk away.
You won't have any more of me.

Don't do that. Don't do that, man.

Hey.

- You know what's weird, man?
- What?

This is exactly how I thought
the night would go.

It's your standard
triple-tase resolution.

- Yep.
- I think it's nice.

No matter what happens, we're
always here for each other.

Penny!

Tommy!

Penny!

I'm sorry.
Of course I remembered you.

The truth is, you're probably
one of the only girls

that I remember at all,
and I've slept with

thousands and thousands
of women,

sometimes two, three at a time.

You know, all over the world.
To be honest...

You broke my heart.

I knew you wrote "Jenny"
about me.

No. I-I wrote "Jenny"
about my wife Jenny.

But forget about that.
Come on, Pen. What do you think?

The bus is heading to Kenosha
after the show.

We're gonna be there
by sunrise. You in?

Of course not.

You just admitted to sleeping
with thousands of women.

Plus you're married,

and you're going
to Wisconsin by bus,

and only two of those things
are turn-ons.

Good-bye, Tommy.

Oh, what?

Damn.

No. I have to go.

(Max) So
which two were the turn-ons?

A lady never tells.
Wisconsin and buses.

Oh, my God. Me, too!

Penny!

Oh, you wrote a song about me.

That is so sweet.

Wait. I don't... I don't see
how that lyric applies.

Oh, it doesn't. Uh, it's for
this guy Kenny that I met

at a Spencer's gifts.

Uh, I changed the first letter
of the names just so...

Oh, how nice for him.

I think so.

That's it?

It's where I'm at right now.