Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 2, Episode 22 - Kiss Me Sickly - full transcript

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪



♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

Hey, you know, it's not every
day the girls' hockey team

accepts a challenge
for touch football.

I know. Do you
think we'll do all right?

Now, men, listen.

It's not if you win or lose,

it's how you touch that counts.

Oh, Ralph... Here,
hold my books, will you?

Go on out for a
pass, Rich. Right.

Come on, deep. Hustle!

Okay.

Here it comes!

Oh.

Good catch, Fonz.

Yeah, it's a lucky thing
he didn't dent my chrome.

Listen, there's a little favor
I want to ask you, huh?

Listen, I'll see you guys
down at the field, all right?

Take your time.

I'll handle your
share of the tackles.

See you later, Rich.

So what's up, Fonz?

I'm going down to Rockford.

The demolition
derby championships.

Oh, that's great.
Are you entering?

Nah.

I represent Happy's Garage.

But I do get to drive the
lead car right into a brick wall.

Wow.

Yeah. So, listen, I'm gonna
be gone for about a week, huh.

I want you to take care of
something while I'm away.

What is it, your
bike, your apartment?

Hey, will you settle down?

I want you to keep
tabs on that for me.

You want me to
watch your girl for you?

That's right. There are a
lot of hungry guys around.

I got to find somebody I
trust, to keep an eye on her.

Fonzie, it's so sweet of
you to pick me up like this.

I'm really gonna miss you when
you're away at demolition derby.

Yeah, but just think about
that great reunion scene

we can have when I get back.

You're gonna do this
for me, right, Rich?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, Fonz.

Cunningham, you're aces.

Oh...

Wow! You're
watching Fonzie's girl?!

Yeah. She doesn't need watching.

Who would mess
with Fonzie's girl?

Could we order now,
Wendy? I'm starved.

You guys better not mess
around with Fonzie's girl.

That's dangerous.

I'm just keeping an
eye on her for a week.

Fonzie asked me to.

Okay, that's settled.

Let's order. I want
a double cheese...

You're watching Fonzie's
girlfriend for a week?

Oh, that's so nice
of you, Richie.

Yeah, listen, why
don't you send a soda

over to Denise
from me, will you?

Sure.

I'll make it a double
and bill you for a single.

You're such a nice guy.

I'll have a double cheeseburger,

an order of fries
and a chocolate malt!

She didn't take my order.

She never listens to me.

Nobody listens to me.

Oh, I wore my new perfume
for my date with Vinny Malovich,

and he went wild.

He even blew in my ear.

So what?

A lot of guys blow in my ear.

Yeah, but this was while
he was meeting my parents.

What's this?

It's from Richie.

Hey, Fonzie's been
gone for less than an hour,

and his friend tries
to bird-dog him.

Fonzie just asked Richie to
watch Denise while he's gone.

That Richie's such a nice guy.

I'll bet Richie's a nice guy.

That's why Fonzie
got him to guard you.

Fonzie acts like he owns me.

We've only been
dating two weeks.

The more I think about
it, the madder I get.

I wonder just how
trustworthy Richie is.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

I see you got the soda.

Thanks, Richie, that
was really sweet of you.

Listen, since Fonzie's gone,

I'm gonna have an
awful lot of free time.

Well, hey, why don't
we go to a movie?

Just-just to kill some time.

Well, I've seen everything.

Besides, I had a little
quieter evening in mind.

Like maybe at your
house watching TV.

Well, sure, I was
gonna stay home

and watch some
television tonight.

Great. I'll be over about 7:00.

Okay.

I'll see you then.

Denise, what are you gonna do?

I'm just gonna
fool around a little.

You know, Joanie, we
got another collection notice

from that stamp company today.

They say you owe them $38.

Well, if they're dumb
enough to send stamps

to a 12-year-old kid,
they deserve to be taken.

Joanie...

Oh, all right, I'll
send them back.

But this is gonna leave a
lot of holes in my album.

You going out tonight, Rich?

No-no, a girl's just
coming over here.

Oh, that does it.

We'll have to leave the room

so Richie and his date
can play kissy-kissy.

Are you looking for trouble?

Okay, gang, that's enough.

When your date comes,
Richard, we'll leave,

so you can play kissy-kissy.

Oh, no, you don't have to.

This is not really a date.

And we're not gonna neck.

Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it.

No, I'll get it. I'll get it.

Oh, hi, come on in.

Mom, Dad, this is Denise Hudson.

Hello, Denise. Hello, Denise.

Hello.

Well, would you
like to sit down?

Gee, you smell nice.

Do you like it?

It's called "Moonlight
Surrender."

Find out where she bought that.

Well...

let's see what we're
gonna watch tonight.

Hey, My Little
Margie looks good.

"Margie embarrasses Freddie

by getting stuck in a tuba
at the country club dance."

Oh, that's silly, Howard.

Hey, The Loretta Young
Theater looks pretty good.

"Forest Tucker stars as
a young Army sergeant

"who falls in love with a nun.

The nun is played
by Miss Young."

Sounds so romantic.

How about My Little Margie?

How about if we go for a drive?

Dear, let me see
you in the kitchen.

What for?

Well, you look hungry.

I'll fix you a snack.

Hungry? Marion, we just ate...

But, Marion, I'm not hungry.

Of course not, dear.

Well, then what are
we doing in here?

You saw that girl.

And you smelled that perfume.

She is not just a
casual friend, Howard.

I don't think Richie
wants us hanging around.

So you want us to
hide in the kitchen?

Okay, I'll take the ice box.

Oh, we don't have to hide.

We got to do something.

You want to make cookies?

Well, dear, you don't
just make cookies.

What, do you think
they come in a roll

and you just cut them off
and put them in the oven?

Now, listen, Marion, if
I miss My Little Margie

because of this
dumb conversation...

Can't you see they
want to be alone?

We can't invade their privacy.

Their priv...?!

Their privacy?

This is my house.

Now, what are we
gonna do in here?

Howard, be thoughtful.

Don't you remember how it
was when we were young?

You want to play kissy-kissy?

Joanie, wouldn't you
rather watch television?

No, this is fine.

Joanie, why don't you go in
the kitchen with your folks?

Yeah, why don't you go in
there and see what they're doing?

Maybe they'd like
to watch television.

Richie's gonna neck,
Richie's gonna neck.

Boy, you guys are
really m... Wow!

What's going on out there?

The same thing
that's going on in here.

Shh!

We better get out there
and break it up. Come on.

Well, wait, wait a minute.

We're supposed to
be getting a snack.

Animal crackers, Marion?

Well, Howard, if they're
necking, they will never notice.

Uh, would you like some cookies?

I just made them.

I never knew anybody who
baked animal crackers before.

Well, Richie's mom
is one in a million.

Well, we were just leaving.

Uh, Richie wants to
take a ride in my car.

A ride?

Well, I... I guess if you
really want to go. Bye.

Marion, when that
Richie makes up his mind,

he is a tower of steel.

Wouldn't you rather go
to Arnold's or someplace?

I like it here.

I just thought this would
be a nice place to, uh, to talk.

Oh, I guess that'd be all right.

You know...

I'm not sure that
Fonzie would appreciate

my being up here with you.

Fonzie isn't here.

I know, he's at the demolition
derby, probably thinking of you.

Demolition derbies
can be very lonely.

They can?

Sure.

How would you like to
drive into a blank wall alone?

Would you mind
locking my door for me?

I'd feel safer.

It's a convertible.

I'd still feel safer.

Oh, that's better.

Denise...

I'm not that kind of a guy.

You're not?

Well, I-I mean, uh...

Fonzie is my friend,
and you're his girl.

You don't think I'm trying to
make out with you, do you?

Oh, no, no, no,
I-I don't think that.

Yes, I do.

You don't have
anything to worry about.

You're safe with me.

I mean, just because I'm
wearing sexy perfume...

You do smell nice.

And just because I
wore a sexy dress...

You look terrific.

And just because I brought
you up to a sexy spot

doesn't mean I'm trying
to make out with you.

I can't do it.

You're Fonzie's girl.

Fonzie isn't here.

I keep forgetting that.

I'm not gonna
respect myself for this.

What do you want,
respect or lips?

Lips.

♪ Ba-Ba-Ba-Baby,
ba, ba, ba, ba... ♪

How can you stand being
with a chick like Denise

five days in a row
and not do anything?

Well, it-it isn't easy.

You must have great willpower.

Yeah, I guess that's it.

Hi, Ralphie.

Hi, Joyce.

Joyce, have you
seen Denise around?

Oh, didn't you hear, Rich?

She's home sick. She
found out last night

she has mononucleosis.

Mono? Th-That's
the kissing disease.

And it's contagious, right?

So what? You have
to kiss her to catch it.

And only a lame brain
would do something

stupid like kiss
Fonzie's girl, right?

Yeah. Oh, right.

♪ Tweet, tweet,
tweedly-dee-dee... ♪

So, anyway, that's
the way it started.

Now it's snowballed
and I've been up

to Inspiration Point every
night this week with Denise.

I don't believe it.

You're in big trouble, Rich.

Have you been feeling
sick? You could have mono.

Well, I've been
feeling a little tired.

That's a classic mono symptom.

Let me down.

No, no. I-I don't have mono.

Is your throat scratchy?

Well, yeah, a little.

That's it, he's got it.

Are your glands swollen?

Well, I don't go around
feeling my glands.

That's another
symptom: irritability.

Could be swollen.

Why didn't I use rubber gloves?

Look, I don't have mono.

I believe you. Yeah.

Where can I wash my hands?

At your house.

You know something?

If you do have it,
it's really fantastic.

What's so fantastic?

Are you kidding?
Think of the status.

Everyone's going
to know that Rich

made out with the Fonz's chick.

Including the Fonz. True.

Okay. Okay, then
it's a double status.

He made out with Fonzie's girl,

now Fonzie's gonna stomp him.

Fonzie only beats up the best.

Yeah.

Look, I'm not gonna get beat up

'cause nobody's gonna find
out I made out with Denise

because I don't have mono.

You better make sure.

Go down to the clinic
and get a blood test.

And be careful.

It's very contagious.

Yeah, until you find
out for sure, Rich,

try not to breathe on anybody.

I don't have mono.

I just have all the symptoms.

Rich, would you lend me a hand?

Here, take this
pliers and hold it there

around that bolt so I
can tighten this screw.

Are you holding your breath?

Uh-huh.

Well, you do it very well.

Richie? Taste
this to see if I have

enough sugar in it.

From the spoon?

No, from my ear.

Of course from the spoon.

No, I never drink
lemonade from a spoon,

only from a glass.

Boy, I've heard of kooks...

Richard, are you all right?

Sure, just because a guy
likes to drink from a glass,

it doesn't mean he has anything.

It's fine.

Oh, Dad, that's my glass!

What are you talking about?

Well, look, it...

it has a red flower on it. So?

It's my favorite
glass. Since when?

The one with the
red flower on it

has always been my favorite.

That's crazy!

I once had a favorite glass.

It had a picture
of Valentino on it.

Richard, what's
wrong with you today?

Nothing.

I just believe that
a person is entitled

to have his favorite glass
if he wants it, that's all.

I'm going up to my room now

and I'd like to take
my glass with me.

Thank you.

What was that all about?

Well, Howard, a
person is entitled

to have their favorite glass.

I don't know what
that was all about.

Oh.

Richard, I want to talk to you.

In a minute, Dad.
I'm cleaning my glass.

Cleaning his glass?

It's clean.

It certainly looks clean.

I'll bet that's the
cleanest glass

in the whole house.

What's the matter with you?

What makes you think
there's anything wrong?

Oh, now look, Richard,
I've seen enough

of Father Knows Best
to know when something

is bothering my son.

All right. I think I have mono.

Mononucleosis?

There are eight million
diseases in the Naked City.

How come you
happened to pick that one?

I-I feel kind of tired,

and I, I have sort
of a sore throat.

Well, that could apply
to almost anything.

And mono is the kissing disease

and it's contagious,
and I... know somebody

who has it.

And you were kissing her.

Hmm?

Okay, get into bed.
I'll call the doctor.

Oh, you don't have
to do that, Dad.

I already went
down to the clinic

and got a blood test.
What did they say?

Well, they won't know
the results until Monday.

Well, at least that explains why

you've been treating us
all like a bunch of lepers.

Hey, who's the girl?

Denise Hudson.

The one with the
terrific perfume?

Oh, you've got good taste.

Except she's Fonzie's girl

and I was supposed to
be keeping the other guys

away from her while he's gone.

Good taste and bad judgment.

I don't know how
it happened, Dad.

I... I tried to resist her.

Well, these things
just happen, Richie.

I mean, we're all
just human, you know.

Fonzie's girl... He'll
be back tomorrow.

You think I should tell him?

I'd tell him.

Rich, remember the dollar
I loaned you last week?

Yeah, Ralph.

Could you pay it back
before Fonzie gets here?

♪ No river's too wide... ♪

Hey.

♪ No mountain's too high ♪

Hi, Fonz. Hey, Fonz.

Fonz. Look at all these
long faces around here.

The Fonz leaves for a
week, what happens?

The place turns into a morgue.

I wish he wouldn't
have said that.

Now I have to get things
poppin' around here, huh?

Yeah, Fonz. Yeah.

What's that, Fonz?

This is an exhaust extension.

It's the only thing left
from the winning car.

Fonz? Yeah?

Fonzie, listen...

I have to talk to you
about something privately.

It's about Denise.

Denise?

Well, let's, uh,
go into my office

where we can
talk in private, huh?

♪ If you ever need me,
just call my name... ♪

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ain't nothin' sacred?

All right.

Okay, what's this about Denise?

Well, I-I have
something to tell you,

and it's kind of shocking.

Don't tell me
somebody cut in on me?

Yeah, somebody cut in on you.

What's his name, huh?

His cutting days are over.

He's had enough! He
didn't mean to steal your girl.

Excuse me.

Oh, don't tell me

that it's you, Cunningham.

It's me, Fonz.

I wish you hadn't said that.

Hey, we don't need an audience.

I didn't come in here to watch.

Honest. I have to, uh... Out.

But...

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, this is terrible.

I don't want to hurt you, Rich.

I wish I could let you
go, but it's the rules

of the game, huh?

All right, now where
do you want it?

In the jaw or in the gut?

Why don't you just decide, Fonz?

All right, in the jaw you
don't smile for a week.

In the gut, it don't
show, but it hurts a lot.

You make the decision.

Fonz, look what you wrote.

What?

Look.

"There once was a
girl from New Jersey..."

No, no, below that.

Oh. "Steady chicks
are here today,

but steady friends
are here to stay."

Yeah. That's
right. I wrote that.

So what? Big deal.

Well, I always think of us

as steady friends,
don't you, Fonz?

Hey, why don't you go
down to the gas station?

It's two blocks away. Out.

I'd like to let you off, but...

Uh... wait a minute!

When did you kiss Denise?

Well, I think the first
time was Tuesday.

Tuesday, let me
think for a minute.

Let me think for a minute.

Hey, let me tell you.

There was this
starter girl there.

Could she wave a
wild checkered flag.

All right, now, I took
her out on Monday night.

And that means that
Denise was free a whole day

before you made out with her.

She was? Yeah. A whole day.

Now, I think we've
got a loophole here.

I mean, she was up for grabs.

So, you're not going to hit me?

Course I'm not going to hit you.

A loophole's a loophole.

That's great! Yeah,
that's great for you,

but wait a minute,
what about my rep?

I mean, what are
they gonna think

if I let you off the hook?

They're going to think you're
one heck of a nice guy, Fonz.

Whoopie! The gas station's

closed, Fonz. Go. Go, go.

Thank you. Hey, let
me take a look at that.

Cunningham? My eye.

You all right? Here.

Oh, wow! You're gonna
have one beauty tomorrow.

Take a look at that.

Oh, it's great. That's
just what I need.

No, don't touch it. It's
exactly what you need.

All right, it's gonna
work out just fine.

Now you follow me, my friend.

Get back.

What happened? What happened?

I got hit by the door.

The door?

Yeah. Sure, Rich.

Oh... You beast!

Oh, you poor boy.

Wow!

Hit me here, Fonz. One rap.

Come on, Fonz, put 'em up.

Put 'em up, Fonz.
One time in the eye.

Come on. Hit me, come on.

Oh, please?

I don't waste my
punches on nerds.

Oh, come on, Fonz. I'm John L.

I'm tough. I'm really tough.

Come on, put 'em up. Hey.

One time. Jab, jab.

Come on...

Come on, Rich.

Just a minute, Dad.

Well, since the clinic
says he doesn't have mono,

he hasn't been off the phone.

Whose deal is it? Mine.

Take your time, Rich.
It's your sister's deal.

Be considerate.
She has small hands.

Yeah. I'll bet Maverick
had a tough time

when he was a kid.

One, one, one, one.

I wonder if you can play
Canasta with one deck?

Two... Well... That was Fonzie.

He found out he
doesn't have mono either.

Oh, that's good to hear.

Yeah, if he'd caught it,

we could've had an
epidemic on our hands.

Come on, guys.

Oh, now I've lost my place.

Oh, here.

Just put these
right on the bottom.

Nobody saw them. Start again.

♪ This day is ours ♪
One, one...

♪ Won't you be mine? Oh,
happy days ♪ ALL: One, one.

♪ This day is ours ♪
Two, two...

♪ These are such happy days. ♪

♪ Hello, sunshine,
good-bye, rain ♪

♪ She's wearing my
school ring on her chain ♪

♪ She's my steady, I'm her man ♪

♪ I'm gonna love her all I can ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Won't you be mine? ♪

♪ Oh, Happy Days ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Oh, please be mine ♪
♪ Oh, Happy Days ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪