Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 2, Episode 23 - Goin' to Chicago - full transcript

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪



♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Mine eyes have seen the
glory of the coming of the Lord ♪

♪ He is trampling
out the vintage ♪

♪ Where the grapes
of wrath are stored... ♪

The basis and backbone
for our great country,

which our ancestors
fought to uphold

against tyranny and injustice,

and which our forefathers

brought forth for us to cherish.

Our great republic means
many things to many people

and is a shining
example for all the world...

And that is the meaning
of the word "freedom."

Very good, students.

It was very good. Malph,

you were a little loud,

but at least this time
you were on-key.

Now, wasn't that
good, Miss Wheaton?

Superb, Mr. Pinney.

Hey, Rich, do you know
the odds are seven to one

that you and the song
aren't going to finish

at the same time on the TV show?

Five to one. He's improving.

Well, that's really
terrific, guys.

What do you think that
does for my confidence?

So get in on some of the action.

Bet against yourself.

Could we have your
attention, please?

Now, Miss Wheaton
will give our itinerary

on our fun trip to Chicago.

Miss Wheaton.

Okay, choir.

The bus leaves here for Chicago

at 3:00 tomorrow afternoon.

We will arrive in the
Windy City at 6:00.

We will stay overnight

at the Hotel Dortmunder.

We sing on TV at
9:30 the next morning

and return here
Immediately thereafter.

Somehow she
takes the fun out of it.

If you'll excuse me
saying so, Mr. Pinney,

your beard is coming
along very nicely.

Oh, really? You don't
think I should shave it off?

Oh, no.

It makes you look
just like Mitch Miller.

Oh, yeah.

Well, "Sing Along with Pinney."

I'm telling you guys,
Pinney and Wheaton

have something going.

You're nuts, Malph.

Wait a minute... what
makes you think so?

Last week, I went
into Pinney's office...

he was blowing in her ear.

He tried to cover up by saying

he was demonstrating
his perfect pitch.

Aw, you just have
a suspicious mind.

My mind's not
suspicious... just dirty.

Marion, he's not gonna
have time to wear all that stuff.

Never mind.

Now, you'd better hurry.

You have 45 minutes
before you get to your bus.

Now, I'm going down
to pack your lunch.

Mom, I don't need a lunch.

They're gonna have a
box lunch on the bus.

Those box lunches
are always stale.

I'll just fix you a little tuna
sandwich and some fruit.

I'm never going
to get that closed.

Let me give it a try, huh?

Richard, I don't want
to scare you, but...

you know, Chicago
is a pretty rough town.

They got a lot of con men
and crooks and sharpies there

who're just looking for some
nice young fellow like you

who's got a little money on him.

Oh don't worry, Dad.
We're gonna let Potsie

take care of our money.

Is that supposed to
make me feel better?

He's got his Dad's money belt.

Oh.

Well, look, I-I, I want
you to have a good time.

I mean, don't be so careful
that you don't have fun.

Don't worry, Dad. We won't.

But, on the other hand,

you gotta remember
what you're there for.

I mean, sure you
should have some fun,

but just remember that
you're there for a purpose.

Do I make myself clear?

Sure. You want us to have fun

while we're being careful.

Is that what I said?

Well, that's about it.

Psst!

Cunningham. Come here.

Hey, Fonz.

Hey. I just came over here
to wish you the best of luck

for your big trip to
the city, you know.

Thanks. Listen,
while you're there,

I want you to pick
me up a memento.

I want you to go to
this particular garage

on the North Side, huh?

Pick something up for me.

You want a part for your bike?

No, I want you to pick up
some grease for my collection.

I didn't know you
collected grease.

Hey, not just any grease, huh?

I got grease from as
far away as Hawaii.

I got a terrific specimen
from Scarsdale, New York.

But Chicago's not that far away.

Yeah, well, I'm not
interested in distance this time.

See, I want you to pick me
up my first "celebrity" grease.

Where?

At this particular
garage on the North Side.

It's where they had the St.
Valentine's Day Massacre.

Oh.

How will I know which one it is?

Hey, that's easy...
Those holes in the wall

were not made by
termites, you know.

And you're sure
it's still there?

Hey, they don't rip
down national shrines.

Fonz, are you putting me on?

No.

Oh, I didn't think you were.

Okay, here, get my
grease in that, huh?

Sure.

All right, good luck.

All right, everybody!

Attention, please!

We'll need a bus
monitor, Miss Wheaton.

Have you any suggestions?

How about Ralph Malph?

That's an excellent
suggestion, Miss Wheaton.

He's the loudest.

Ralph!

You'll be in charge.

Miss Wheaton and I are
going in the station wagon.

I'll keep everything
under control.

Good.

Okay, everybody!

It's party time!

♪ 99 bottles of
beer on the wall ♪

♪ 99 bottles of beer... ♪

Hey, Ralph, it's going to be
a two-and-a-half-hour ride.

Oh. Right.

♪ 10,000 bottles
of beer on the wall ♪

♪ 10,000 bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall ♪

♪ 9,999 bottles of
beer on the wall ♪

♪ 9,999 bottles of
beer on the wall ♪

♪ 9,999 bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall... ♪

♪ Diddle-diddle, diddle-diddle ♪

♪ Yeah, bah-bah-bah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, ooh, yeah, ooh ♪
♪ Yeah-bah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, ooh, yeah, ooh ♪
♪ Yeah-bah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, ooh, yeah, ooh ♪
♪ Yeah-bah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, ooh, yeah, ooh ♪
♪ Yeah-bah... ♪

we sang from Milwaukee
all the way to Chicago

is no reason to make
us stay in this room.

Yeah, we didn't hurt
our singing throats.

Yeah, and we only got down

to 773 bottles of
beer on the wall.

I get the single!

I can't sleep with Richie.

We're not married.

There's only one way
to solve this: fingers.

Okay. All right.

Odd man wins, okay? Okay.

Ready?

One, two, three!

All right! I win!

Excuse me, please.

If you snore, you're gonna
get a pillow down your throat.

Yeah, well, you better stay
on your own side of the bed.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know; that's what
my mom tells my dad.

Pretty nice having
your own hotel room.

Pinney and his regulations.

Potsie, you're stealing that.

It's not stealing.

They want you to take it.

It's advertising... see?

"Dortmunder Hotel, Chicago."

That's what I like
about you, Potsie.

When you're dishonest,
you're very sincere about it.

Thank you, Ralphie.

We've gotta get outta here.

We can't stay in this room.

Look, the Windy
City is waiting for us.

Look what else I found.

Baby soaps.

Are you gonna steal those, too?

You can't take everything, Pots.

They want you to.

You can't wash with
them, they're too small.

Potsie, will you help us

think of a way to
get out of here?

Look, why fight it, guys?

Let's just stay here, huh?

You've got a great sense
of adventure, Potsie.

Well, I'm gonna
write some postcards.

Where's the pen?

Somebody took the pen!

You just can't trust
anybody these days.

Look, this bed has one of those

"Thousand Fingers"
massage units.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, hey, I gotta try
that, Rich. All right.

Here goes.

What a gyp!

It only feels like 800 fingers.

Hey, look at this great
stuff we're missing.

What?

South State Street,

the home of red-hot burlesque.

The Gem, The
Rialto, Lili St. Cyr

and her Naked Milk Bath.

I'm a big fan of naked milk.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, look at this.

"No cover, no minimum.

"The Blue Pelican,
starring the sexy chanteuse

"with the come-hither
figure, Miss Toni Le Fevre.

Also comic, J. Jackie Silver."

No kidding? J. Jackie Silver?

What so exciting
about J. Jackie Silver?

He plays Tonto on
The Lone Ranger.

That's Jay Silverheels.

Oh, yeah.

This is ridiculous!

Let's run for it!

Take it easy, Ralph.

Come on. We're never
gonna get out of here.

Pinney's probably
guarding the elevator.

What do you want
to go on out for

when the beds have
Thousand Finger massage?

This is better than a
date with Sherry Renning.

Wait a minute!

Pinney will be guarding
the elevator, right?

So who's watching the stairs?

Are you with me, boys?

I'm not sure.

My father says that Chicago

is a very rough town,

full of danger, sin
and sleazy women.

All right!

Sounds great. Let's get dressed.

Hey, come on,
Rich... You with us?

Sure. Who can
resist sin and danger?

Not to mention sleazy women.

Right.

So I'm walking down
Michigan Boulevard...

Michigan Boulevard...
You know what that is?

That's 2,000
commuters from Skokie

looking for a place to park.

Certainly.

I'm walking down
Michigan Boulevard

when this mendicant
approaches me.

For you folks from Gary,
a mendicant is a bum.

Yeah, well, so this
bum walks up to me,

he says, "Can you lend
me $12 for a cup of coffee?"

I said "$12 for
a cup of coffee?"

He said, "Sure.

Room service is very
expensive at the Palmer House."

Folks, pick out
the ones you like

and I'll do 'em twice.

Anyway, you've been
a beautiful audience

and I'd like to take
you all home with me,

except they don't allow
pets in my apartment.

So, why don't you stick around

for the next show
when I'll be much funnier

and you'll be much drunker...

Or vice versa.

This is Jackie Silver saying
goodnight and remember...

If you ever need a
friend... buy a dog.

Wasn't he great?

You can take your
Sergeant Bilko.

This guy has got it.

I hope it isn't catching.

Another ginger ale, fellas?

No, uh, I think I'll move
on to some hard stuff.

Bring me a beer.

Are you 21?

Yeah, look, here's my I.D.

A Book-of-the-Month-Club
card with age 23

written on it in pencil?

Sorry, no go.

But I am 23. Ask them.

Yeah, 23.

His I.Q.

What else, guys?

Oh, just the check.

All right, sir.

Here you are.

Thank you.

Okay, Rich, divvy it up.

How much do we
owe you, a buck each?

Buck and a half?

Will you come on, Rich?

I'd like to get back before
the television show tomorrow.

Th-Thirty-six bucks?!

All right, all right,
let's not panic.

Miss. Miss. Miss.

There's got to be a mistake.

You must've given
us the wrong check.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

That isn't your check.

This is your check.

Oh, that's better.

This still says $36.

Rich, I'm going to panic, okay?

They're all for $36.

Miss, doesn't the sign outside
say "no cover, no minimum"?

That's right.

But there's an
entertainment charge,

and you each had six
ginger ales at one dollar per.

Six bucks for ginger ale?

Do you know how much ginger ale

you can buy at
Arnold's for six bucks?

Arnold doesn't sell
ginger ale, Potsie.

No wonder. Look
how expensive it is.

All right, there's
no sense arguing.

Potsie, get the
money out of your belt.

I didn't bring the belt.

What?!

You said what a
rough town it was.

I didn't think it was safe.

What a dummy!

Where did you
leave the money belt?

In my suitcase
back at the hotel.

Great.

Uh-oh.

I think I detect a 43 here.

What's a 43?

That's restaurant talk

for guys trying to get
out of paying their checks.

Well, we're more like a 44.

That's guys that would pay

if their dumb friend hadn't
left the money in the room.

No, honest, see we
really do have the money.

It's just that we left
it in the hotel room.

I really feel sorry
for you guys.

You do?

Yeah, the last
guy who tried this

ended up having his face
rearranged by the boss.

W-Well... how about
if one of us stays here

and the other two go
and get the money?

Well... you look
like pretty nice kids.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll stall the manager
while two of you go.

Oh, great.

Quick thinking, Rich.

Yeah, we'll be right back.

Wait a minute, how come
I'm the one who has to stay?

It was your idea. And you have
a much more honest face than us.

No one would
want to rearrange it.

Wait a minute. Let's do fingers.

Oh, sure, Rich. Okay.

One, two, three...

You win, Rich. Must
be your lucky day.

♪ Boop, boop, boop, boop ♪

♪ Boop, boop, boop, boop ♪

♪ Boop, boop, boop, boop ♪

♪ Boo-doop-boop,
boo-doop... boo-doo. ♪

Too bad we can't pay
'em off in stolen towels.

Got it... let's
go bail Rich out.

Come on, what are
you doing in there, huh?

I'm combing my
hair. Stop rushing me.

Who's going to see you
this time of night, Ralph?

You never can tell,

and I don't have any
confidence unless my hair is neat.

Come on, come on.

We've got to get to bed.

Hi, Mr. Pinney.

We were just
getting ready for bed.

In your clothes?

Well, we thought
we'd save the trouble

of changing tomorrow,
so we wouldn't be late.

Where's, uh... Cunningham?

He's brushing his teeth.

Where's Malph?

I'm helping him.

Cunningham, would you come
out here for a minute, please?

What did he say?

Oh, uh, he said that, uh...

He said that he doesn't
want to get into the draft

because he has to protect
his voice for tomorrow.

That's what he said.

Well, I like your
attitude, Cunningham.

Now, boys, I want you to
get a good night's sleep.

Right, sir.

Right.

Good night, Mister...
Got you, Cunningham.

Good night, Mr. Pinney.

Oh, boy, was that close.

Oh, uh, good night, Weber.

Good night.

He's gone, Ralph.

You can take your finger
out of your mouth now, Malph.

So what are we gonna do, huh?

We're never going
to get out of here.

Okay, let's just stay
cool and think it out.

What would Fonzie
do if he were here?

He'd punch Pinney out.

Okay, what would Marsha do?

I don't want to upset anybody,

but this concludes
tonight's show

at the fabulous Blue Pelican.

And remember, don't
drive too carefully,

the life you save could
be my mother-in-law's.

Hey, kid.

Oh, hi, Mr. Silver.

Gee, I really enjoyed your act.

Well, flattery will
get you nowhere.

If you want to make me a
happy man, marry my wife.

Or better yet... pay your bill.

Pay you?

That's right. I own this place.

I got tired of hustling jobs,
so I bought my own joint.

I lose a fortune,
but I work steady.

Where's the money?

I don't suppose it
would make any sense

suggesting that my father
would mail you a check?

Oh, the "old mail
the check scam," eh?

Oh, I could wash the dishes.

This is a nightclub, kid.
We don't have dishes.

I'll wash the glasses.

We don't wash our glasses.

We have automatic glass washers.

Listen kid, your
time is running out.

Look, Jackie, lay off the kid.

I think he's on the up-and-up.

You're right, miss.

I'm on the up-and-up.

I knew a guy who
was on the up-and-up.

He was a one-way
elevator operator.

And he paid his check.

Look, I have the money.

It's at the hotel... if
you'll just let me go get it.

Jackie, I'm through
for the night.

Why don't I go with him,

and I'll bring the money
back with me tomorrow?

All right, all right, go ahead.

Oh, thanks.

You know, I thought you were

really going to rough me up

if I didn't have the money,
but I guess I misjudged you.

No, you didn't.

Get the money.

Come on, kid.

Poor Rich, he's
probably at the bottom

of the Chicago River,
wearing concrete loafers.

We should never have left him.

I should have stayed
and charmed them.

I would have put on
the old Malph dimples.

What good are your pimples?

Dimples, Potsie!

Who is it?

It's me. It's Rich. Let me in.

Rich, how'd you get away?

Come on, Edith.

Hello, fellas.

Could I use the
little girl's room?

Yeah, it's right in there.

Richie, you killer.

Here we are worrying about you

and you... you
come home with her!

He came home with trouble.

If we get caught
with her in our room,

we're gonna be in big trouble.

You gotta get her
outta here, Rich.

Get her outta here?

Are you sick?

If Brigitte Bardot came in,

you'd probably play
tiddlywinks with her.

Fellas, I just brought her
here to pick up the money.

Hey, Rich, you better
get her out of here

before we get caught.

I will, just as soon
as we pay her.

I've got the money
right here, Rich.

Hey, fellas, there's no towels.

Oh, I'll get you one.

Here you go.

Oh, uh, you gonna smoke?

Uh, no.

I thought you put those back.

I'm gonna. I'm gonna.

Hey, fellas, I gotta
have my money.

I gotta get going.

Oh, uh, right here... uh, $36.

Give her a tip, Pots.

What do you
mean, give her a tip?

Just... Just give her a tip.

Here's a tip.

Aha, caught you.

Disgraceful!

Your parents would
be ashamed of you...

Not to mention the fact that
you have darkened the name

of Jefferson High with
your indecent behavior.

Who's the man with the mouth?

He's our choirmaster.

Well, Mr. Choirmaster-with-
the-mind-in-the-gutter,

I don't like what
you're insinuating.

Well, I certainly thought
with you, with the money...

I know what you thought.

But what happened is these boys
came into my club, they forgot their money,

so I came up here to pick it up.

Satisfied?

Yes, well, you're
certainly off the hook,

but I still have these
three delinquents,

and as of this moment...
You are out of the choir.

Out of the choir?

You mean we're not going
to get to go on television?

I already told
everyone to watch me.

You left the hotel
without authorization

and you went to some nightclub.

When we get back to Jefferson,
you are to turn in your blazer

and you'll probably
be out of school.

Expelled?!

My father will kill me!

There goes my car.

Turn in my blazer?

Hey, aren't you being
a little hard on them?

A world without moral discipline

is a world of chaos.

Isn't this nice.

I'm 15 minutes late and
already you've taken up

with this... this...
Watch it, sister.

I've already been
insulted once tonight.

Maybe it's my hairdo.

Barbara, you...
Don't bother lying.

How could you do this to me?

After all those stolen
moments in the storeroom.

The Malph was right again.

I've wasted the best
recesses of my life on you.

Goodbye, you philanderer!

Tough luck, kiddo.

See you around, Red.

Uh... uh... look, fellas,

I know that this
may seem a bit...

Sir, sir, you don't have
to say anything. Oh.

I mean, we can forget
about this, if you can.

Well, uh, boys, I think that
that is an admirable attitude.

It's just a shame, though, that
we'll probably have to go home

and explain to everybody
why we weren't on television.

Yeah, and why we were
kicked out of the choir.

I don't want to
turn in my blazer.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

I've reconsidered.

You're back in!

We'll forget this whole evening.

Thanks.

♪ Sha, la-la! ♪

Richie comes
through in a clutch!

All right!

I guess it pays hanging
around with the Fonz.

Yeah, I guess it does.

Will you look at that.

It's 3:00 in the morning.

We've got to get
up in four hours.

I'm really beat.

Hey, uh, I wonder if
Mr. Pinney's gonna tell anybody

he saw a girl in our room.

I hope so.

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Rockin' all week with you ♪

♪ This day is ours,
Happy Days! ♪

♪ Hello, sunshine,
good-bye, rain ♪

♪ She's wearing my
school ring on her chain ♪

♪ She's my steady, I'm her man ♪

♪ I'm gonna love her all I can ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Won't you be mine? ♪

♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Oh, please be mine ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪