Happy! (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Some Girls Need a Lot of Repenting - full transcript
A simple B&E, they said. Introducing the captivating Bebe DeBarge. A very Smoothie Easter Egg Hunt.
Previously, on "Happy!"...
New private school?
8,000 per quarter.
Believe it or not,
I'm counting on Nick.
The kids will wait here
until you sound the horn.
Then they run out
to the eastern meadow.
I have removed
all of the skin from your body.
I will determine
your time of death
down to the hour.
Call the goddamn Feds.
Take the goddamn deal.
I... I've seen it happen
a thousand times.
Guys can't take the pressure.
They just crack.
Let's go ahead
and kill the idiot.
You're Blue's
personal lawyer, Geno.
I would love to know what you
and Sonny had to talk about.
He's got blackmail
on everyone.
It's on video tape.
He knows what people wish for.
The dark stuff.
The stuff they don't even tell
their shrinks about.
Tell me where
he keeps the tapes.
♪ Glory receive us all, Lord
♪ My Father crucified
♪ Has brought to life
his own ♪
I thought they were
only supposed to do that
on Ash Wednesday?
It's kind of
a regular thing here.
Some girls need a lot
of repenting.
What's the matter?
Haven't you ever been
to mass before?
No.
That explains it.
Explains what?
Why Santa picked you.
You have sin in your heart.
Remember that you are dust.
And to dust you shall return.
This is gonna pinch.
Just a little.
You could be little forever.
My thumb!
You broke my fucking thumb!
You goddamn little...
Shot of bourbon,
shot of tequila,
Bloody Mary back,
and a pineapple juice
for the lady.
That ass is thicker
than a bowl of porridge.
"That ass"
is someone's daughter.
Uh-huh.
Somebody's mama, too, I bet.
All right, Le Dic, what
the hell are we doing here?
You know I'm trying
to stay sober.
Make changes in my life.
I can see that.
Moved out of that
apartment-sized Petri dish
you called a home.
You got yourself
a summer shirt that makes
you look like
an unemployed homosexual.
Fatherhood becomes you, Nicky.
How's the missy?
Hey, Hailey's great, you know.
She's starting her first day
at her new school...
You sound like
a goddamn wet nurse.
I don't give a fuck
about your daughter's school.
I'm here to talk shop.
I got a job for you.
Flag on the play.
This is a direct violation
of the bylaws.
"Consorting with
a criminal element."
I wanna thank you...
for your offer,
but as I told you before...
I'm out of the game.
Atta boy, Nick.
No. You told Nick
no killing, maiming, battery,
bribes, blackmail, fraud,
kidnapping, carjacking,
or arson.
Yeah. I had to stop at nine
on account of your handicap.
The job I got for you...
is a simple B and E.
Bacon and eggs?
Sign me up!
"Breaking and entering,"
you say?
I do say.
So why are you talking to me?
There are plenty
of "B and E" guys out there.
There sure are,
but none as good as you.
Oh, stop with the flattery.
I can't help it,
you're the best.
I am pretty good.
No, not "pretty good."
The best.
Like James Bond.
Only better
'cause you're American.
All right,
everything you say is true.
Even still, fact remains
I got a daughter now.
Can't do it.
It pays, Nicky.
2K.
Don't do it, Nick.
I know we need the money
for Hailey's school
but it's not worth your soul.
My soul ain't worth $2,000.
Yes!
My soul is worth $3,200.
Hmm.
Final offer.
No!
Details in here.
Dead drop's at the shipyard,
1600 hours.
Go with God.
You broke Father Eddie's thumb
in two places.
What do you have to say
for yourself?
It was an accident.
Wrong answer.
How old are you, Hailey?
Almost 11.
Well, that's practically
a grown-up.
I hold grown-ups accountable
for their muck-ups,
but Jesus gives us
another option: repentance.
I'm sorry.
Better.
Oh, there, now.
First day at a new school.
No friends.
You feel isolated.
It's only natural.
Here.
Read this.
"Zipporah cut off
her son's foreskin
and touched
Moses' feet with it."
Oops! Wrong place.
Hang on.
Proverbs.
"Those who trust
in themselves are fools,
but those who walk in wisdom
are kept safe."
That means you mustn't
act out in fear, Hailey.
It may seem we're all alone.
Nevertheless,
there's someone watching us.
Protecting us.
Hmm.
I haven't seem you
smile like that
since Bell Biv Devoe
made the big comeback.
I got a nice text, that's all.
You got laid.
Dr. Reddy, he can hear us.
Out like a light.
Now dish, sister.
I met somebody.
He's pretty great.
Okay, I've got
to drain the monkey,
so I'll be right back.
You rinse him out,
and then I want
to hear everything.
Okay?
Amanda, what are you doing?
You're drowning him!
What's the matter with you?
Timmy, wake up!
And so, for 40 days,
Jesus took to the desert
with no food and no water.
Nothing to distract him
from asking,
"Am I ready to die
for what I believe in?"
I'm only sorry
that my husband's hay fever
was so severe
he couldn't be here today.
But I know what he'd say
to all these beautiful
boys and girls.
"Imagine you were Jesus
starving in the desert
for 40 years."
Boo!
And now, imagine how happy
Jesus would be
if he had all these
yummy treats to eat!
Yay!
Happy Easter!
Go, go, go.
I'd forgotten how much I love
working with children.
Mm, those puffy white
marshmallow minds.
So corruptible.
You're a true gem, Smoothie.
Although...
never mind.
What?
Nothing.
No, no, please.
I thrive on feedback.
Well, why dark chocolate
and not milk?
I mean, it's America's favorite.
Kids can't get enough
of the stuff,
and frankly, neither can I.
I'm afraid that
you would find the detail
of my execution and planning
rather tedious.
Be that as it may,
dark chocolate has
a higher melting point
than milk fat-based chocolate,
and that assists
with cauterization.
But more important...
And forgive me
for my admittedly high-minded
flight of fancy...
Dark chocolate was the original
food of the gods.
The Greeks called it marta...
Should have gone milk!
Oh, well.
On to the next.
I have a few ideas
I'd like you to get started on.
I'm afraid
that isn't possible.
I have something I need
to attend to this afternoon.
Really?
May I ask what that is?
It's personal.
Smoothie, you have
no personal life.
That's what makes you special.
Little bunny eye.
It's so cute.
I want one.
I'm just joshing ya!
You little so-and-so!
I don't.
You, take the afternoon,
all right?
Company morale,
that's what I say.
Bright-eyed and cotton-tailed
tomorrow, Smoothie!
♪ The show must go on
Mr. Shine,
I have Kap Gostynski
from the network?
More golf.
We were able to recover
four of the veneers.
The remaining ones should pass
through his stool comfortably.
Timmy's mom and dad say
they won't press charges.
Oh, thank heavens.
But they're not
happy campers, Amanda.
Timmy almost drowned.
I hate to do this, but...
Doctor, please.
I think you need to take,
you know, some time off.
Long time off.
You're firing me.
They're gonna kill me on Yelp
for this, Amanda.
You don't give me any choice.
Yelp?
You know...
all right.
Ten years.
Hmm?
I did everything
I was supposed to do.
Raised my little girl alone.
It was never about me.
I had to be strong for her,
for everyone.
I was the rock.
I love The Rock.
Now...
there is something inside me,
you know?
Something I don't understand.
I think maybe I'm done being
everyone's bitch, Dr. Reddy.
Maybe it's time for someone else
to pick things up for a change.
Okay, okay.
Real good.
So if you can just
drop off your keys, that...
I don't understand
what's happening to me.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Amanda.
Uh...
May I?
Of course.
Hmm?
Feels like we're breaking
our promise to Hailey.
Well, we're not.
You heard Le Dic.
We're not killing, maiming,
battering, bribing,
blackmailing, defrauding,
kidnapping, carjacking, or...
Arsoning.
Exactly.
So if it ain't on the list...
Aww, crap.
"B and E" my balls.
But don't you ever feel bad
about taking peoples' stuff?
Like... like, picture them
coming home and being like,
"Whoa, where's my stuff?"
You know, I... I've been
grading you on a curve
because, I mean, it's hard
going from being a
little girl's imaginary friend
to a big strong man's
imaginary friend,
so let me be candid
about what I expect
from somebody in your position.
I don't want a mother.
I don't want a wife.
And I definitely do not want
a conscience.
I had two of them three things.
It wasn't fun.
But what I do want
is a partner.
Ah-nuh...
Silent partner.
You know, someone who's gonna
be there when I need him
and disappears when I don't.
And I really feel that
that arrangement,
gonna be beneficial
for both of us.
Right, this is all
for my benefit.
You see, right there.
Already, you're growing.
That was sarcasm.
I did sarcasm?
Yeah, you did... and very well.
Now flutter aside.
Come in, noodle.
You must be the new pool boy.
My husband said
you were coming by.
As I live and breathe.
Happy, do you know who that was?
Bebe Debarge.
Who?
Only the last
great movie start, that's who.
"Operation Bim-bot,"
"Bride of The Blob,"
She was the gym coach
in "Jacuzzi Police."
Happy...
we're robbing Hollywood royalty.
Ms. Debarge,
I'm your biggest fan.
Oh, do you know my work?
Oh, yes.
I owned the poster.
You know, the one of you
in the gold bikini
tossing your hair.
I'm sure I can't recall.
I used to admire it...
nightly, if you know
what I mean.
Oh. I never tire of
hearing those stories.
Well, your husband's
a lucky man.
Hey, I'm a lucky woman.
Oh, are you.
Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa!
Holy sh... I mean, jeepers!
Poor guy.
Imagine having to lug
that thing around all day.
I don't have to imagine, Hap.
Uh, yeah, Nick.
I've seen it.
Happy, Bebe's husband is...
Sonny Shine!
Morning, Scaramucci.
I was kite surfing
at Lake Atitlán in Guatemala
over the holidays...
Superb conditions...
So I didn't get the chance
to make your acquaintance.
Warden Kilpatrick.
Seems like you've been
taking advantage
of some of our
extracurricular activities.
Sodomy.
Sodomy.
Murder.
Sodomy.
What happened?
I was gonna ask you
the same thing.
I'm sure you understand,
it's hard to imagine
how one guy fought off
six members
of the Dimitrov crime family.
Vasiliev's skull was cracked
against the toilet seat...
Popov drowned.
He had enough water in his lungs
to kill him ten times over.
Ivanov...
The Lebdevs?
All of them...
At the same time.
I... I don't know.
Amnesia's common around here.
You've got a visitor.
Your niece.
Maybe she can...
jigger a memory or two loose.
You got five minutes, Detective.
No, no, absolutely not.
Get away, get away.
But, Uncle Blue,
I came all this way
to give you a hug.
Ah!
How's it going?
You want me
to fluff a pillow for you?
Get you some ice chips?
Fuck you, Meredith!
Like a daughter, I treated you.
I know.
I owe you big time.
That's why I'm here.
How's the deal with the Feds
coming along?
Not looking good, I hear.
Go to hell.
Geno Sarcuzzi.
I'm sure you recognize
Shine Tower.
Attorney-client privilege
ain't what it used to be, huh?
You trusted him.
He belongs to Shine.
I spoke to Geno earlier today.
There's no deal, Blue.
But...
You can make one with me.
Give me Sonny Shine.
Oh, Merry.
I would rather die in here
than suffer the shame
of owing you anything.
Good luck with that.
Fuck!
When I get out of here, Merry...
And I will...
Ah! I'm gonna cut you
to ribbons!
Okay, just calm down.
Get off!
Get off.
There, there, now.
We're not going anywhere.
No, no, no...
Ah!
Ah...
Get on the ground!
Get on the ground now!
Even as Jesus hung
dying on the cross,
he offered comfort to Dismas,
the Penitent Thief beside him.
Leading him into
the kingdom of Heaven
and making Saint Dismas
the first saint.
Can anyone name
some other saints?
What about Saint Nick?
Nice, Dagny.
Sister, how did Saint Nick
become Santa Claus?
That's a good question.
Saint Nick was the bishop
of Myrna,
but he always took care
of the town's children.
I know we all
love Christmas, girls,
but now's not the time to...
Oh, what the hey.
♪ Oh what fun it is to ride
♪ In a one-horse
open sleigh, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
♪ Jingle all the way
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
♪ In a one-horse open
You, me, under the bleachers.
5:00.
Psycho.
Our mom said she has PMS-D.
Don't look at me like that.
Mmm...
Damn it. No way Sonny's
shvantz is that big.
I should have guessed
this was Sonny Shine's house.
He's always got
the coolest stuff.
If you want it, take it.
We can't steal
from Sonny Shine!
He's a beloved childhood icon!
He's a virus made of sewage.
Agree to disagree.
Look, Hap,
remember what I said
what I want
out of an imaginary friend?
Hmm?
"A silent partner..."
Mm-hmm.
"Who helps you out
when you need him
and disappears when you don't."
Exactly.
So keep your eye on Bebe.
Let Daddy go to work.
Bentgrass, wind...
North-North-West,
seven miles per hour.
Humidity...
65%.
Ugh, I know.
My hair's been so frizzy lately.
Look, Louis, you know
I'm a straight shooter,
so I'm gonna level with you.
The Network loves you.
Sonny Shine plus Easter,
total slam dunk.
But we're bumping on some
of the specifics.
Really?
It's a pretty standard script.
It's seven hours long.
There's over 300 roles in it.
Well, we can get that down
a scosh.
And then there's the language.
Not the cursing so much,
but we're not supposed
to say "Chinaman" anymore.
Well, didn't get that memo.
Your script uses it 34 times.
All in reference
to George Takei,
who is of Japanese descent.
What if we cut out
the last 60 pages?
But that's the climax!
The three magic wishes!
We don't need them.
Kap...
Mulligan.
The three wishes are the crux
of the whole piece.
They're a little pat.
Mulligan.
They're not pat.
They're classics.
And they speak
to the child in all of us.
The secret longing
that we all have.
Surely even you...
Must have some
unfulfilled wishes.
Please, Sonny.
I run the third-largest network
in the nation.
I have more money than I know
what to do with.
My wife and mistresses
are, well, not friends,
but on good terms.
I have everything
a man could wish for.
What about the things a man
shouldn't wish for?
You know, the ones
that keep him awake at night,
or come to him in his dreams.
I mean, surely even you
must have one of those, Kap.
Whoa.
Ooh-la-la.
This room is très exotique.
Well, thank you.
I'll pass the compliment
to Otho, my decorator.
You can see me?
Well, of course,
my little piglet.
Haven't we met before?
Riding the green fairy
with Price Rainier
at The Coconut Grove?
The Green Fairy.
Green Fairy.
I don't know who that is.
Well, butter-bean,
who do you know?
Uh, do you know Hailey Hansen?
I can't say that I do.
Oh, we were together
for ten years,
but that ended recently.
Aww, there, there.
Well, you came
to the right place, darling.
Oh, Bebe knows all about...
I mean, allabout heartbreak.
La grande tristesse.
I have a new partner now,
but it's not the same.
He can be a real prickly pear.
"He"?
Oh. Well, that's okay.
Bebe's open-minded.
I mean, I care about him,
I do.
But there's something
holding me back.
It's... it's her.
It's Hailey.
You're looking at it
the wrong way, poodle.
You see, in this life,
everyone is searching
for something.
Ah, yes.
Something.
Searching for happiness.
Searching for meaning.
Searching for a higher power,
searching for God.
Well, guess what?
There is no meaning,
no happiness, no God.
Just the human connection.
Each other.
If Hailey doesn't want you,
the hell with her!
Find your connection
somewhere else.
I should have been
a TV detective.
Take it from Bebe.
You see, I have been married
seven times.
Seven?
Lady, you must be great in...
In the...
kitchen.
There was Johnny, Jimmy,
Joey, Rudolph, Henry, Mario,
and now Louis.
And you know what?
I loved each one of them dearly.
In fact, I keep all
of their rings here on a chain.
Jackpot.
How do I get one of these?
Kegels.
Each one
of these rings represents
a brand new chapter in my life.
That's the key
to happiness, kiddo.
Keep moving, man.
♪ Gray skies
are gonna clear up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face
♪ Brush off the clouds
and cheer up ♪
Put on a happy face?
♪ Take off that gloomy mask
of tragedy ♪
♪ It's not your style
♪ You look so good
that you'll be glad ♪
♪ You decided to smile
♪ Pick out a pleasant outlook
♪ Or stick out
that noble chin ♪
♪ Wipe off
that full-of-doubt look ♪
♪ And slap on a happy grin
♪ And spread sunshine
♪ All over the place
♪ And put on your happy face
Come on, come on!
Hey!
Sir, let go
of Mr. Shine's penis.
I can explain.
Sorry.
Hold it!
Stop!
Whoo!
Ya-hoo!
Huh?
Ah-ha!
♪ And spread sunshine
♪ All over the place
♪ And put on a happy
♪ Put on a happy
♪ Hap-hap-happy
♪ Put on
♪ A happy face
Ha!
♪ And spread sunshine
♪ All over the place
♪ And
♪ Put on a happy
♪ Face
Ooh...
Looking for these?
Beta?
How the hell am I supposed
to play these?
Gave up on Sonny Shine, huh?
"Keep our head down.
Play it day by day."
Yeah, well, what about you?
I thought you were
"out of the business."
I was until someone sent
Le Dic to recruit me.
You knew I needed money
for Hailey's school.
You used me, Mer.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Yeah.
'Cause you're the only one
I can trust, you asshole.
You know, I really wish
I could trust you, Mer.
I really do,
but every time I try,
I'm the guy who winds up
with a knife in my back!
I don't recall it being
a knife, Nick.
And I think it was up your...
Silent partner.
Now, this very simple
B and E of yours,
it turned out not to be
quite so simple.
Few guards showed up.
And?
And I'm standing here
with the tapes.
You do the math.
Damn it, Sax.
I want this guy so bad.
And deep down,
I know you want it, too.
You can deny it all you want,
but this fucker
took your daughter.
♪ La-la-la
Not listening.
I know that there is nothing
you want more
than to see Sonny Shine
put away for life.
What the fuck are you
talking about, "put away"?
I want to tear him apart
with my bare hands.
I want to feed his balls
to him, and guess what?
It's really not
that down deep inside.
It's right on the surface.
But I'm a family man now,
so you're on your own.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know what is
on these tapes.
My guess, jack shit.
And you don't gotta pay me
for the job.
Let's just chalk it up
to back rent.
Hey, by the way,
next time you want a locksmith,
try the fucking yellow pages.
Yeah, so long, skirt.
I'm close, Sax.
How close?
Holy shit, Mer.
This is the best
crazy-person room
I've ever seen.
Nick, look at this place.
The woman is on the pipe.
So let's unravel this.
Sonny Shiny has got
kompromaton Blue's lawyer.
And?
And God only knows who else.
High-level politicals,
and cops, media.
I think the proof is
on these tapes.
This could be Ban Ki-moon
face-fucking a chicken.
Secretary General
of the United Nations.
I knew that.
Gosh, Mer, seems like
you've got enough evidence
in this room to bust everybody
in this town but Sonny Shine.
You don't get it.
No?
This is how he runs
his empire.
The people on these tapes
protect him.
Uh-huh?
That's why
he can't be touched.
He goes down, they go down.
It's his armor, Sax.
Without it, he's naked.
That's the only thing
I've been able to picture
for the last three hours.
Sax, we can take him down.
Oh, "we" can?
Huh.
So that maybe somebody can get
their police badge back?
Huh? I mean, really,
that's what this whole thing
is about...
Are you fucking kidding me?
It was...
Do you have any idea
how long this took me to build?
I'm trying not to think
about that 'cause I don't want
to believe you're crazy
as a fish with tits.
Now, look, I want this
Mitch-Mitchell-looking
motherfucker
just as bad as you do.
But I ain't getting
involved in nothing
unless I know we got the goods.
Now these tapes of yours...
Look at me.
Are they what you say they are?
I wouldn't have
gotten you involved
if I didn't think we had a shot.
Well, you can stop
thinking about me.
Start thinking about Hailey,
'cause she is the one priority.
She is the only priority.
Oh, shit, I was supposed
to pick her up from school.
Stop, stop.
Under, under, under.
I saw it.
Down.
Jackass.
There she is!
Hailey, hey.
You ready to roll?
What's that shit on your face?
I'm repentant.
Okay. Time to go.
I can't.
I have to meet my math teacher
to get my syllabus.
It'll only take ten minutes.
Pretty cool.
Rabbit's foot?
Wonder what happened
to the rest of him?
It's for luck.
Well, not so much for him.
Tell you what, you do your thing
and I'll meet you
right back here.
Okay.
Ladies, I'm Nick Sax.
I need to talk to you
about your, uh...
equipment.
Didn't think you would show up
without the bitch squad.
I don't need them.
Let's make this quick,
I have piano at...
I'm gonna eff you
until you love me!
Let me go!
Help!
Help me!
Hi.
You almost got hurt back there.
Aren't you a lucky little girl?
Haven't seen you
around here before.
Who's your kid?
Big guy.
We're just visiting.
A little old, don't you think?
He's young at heart.
Hey, how come you're the only
imaginary friends here?
Hailey's last school
was full of them.
Between bullying
and the internet,
kids grow up fast here
at St. Melanie.
We're like white tigers
around here.
A dying breed.
Eh, all right, Poindexter.
Make that piece of shit work.
We have no idea how high
this thing goes.
Anybody could be on those tapes.
♪ Ah!
A sex tape?
Oh, fuck!
I don't believe it.
Me, neither.
Look at that thing.
God, I hate the universe!
Not, it's supposed
to be blackmail.
Where's Ban Ki-Moon?
Where's...
Where's the fucking chicken?
Ah, baby!
Bebe!
You got the wrong tapes.
Don't pin this on me, sister.
You got bad intel.
I did not.
These were the only tapes
in that house.
Here's a thought for you:
Maybe these so-called
"blackmail tapes" only exist
in the shit-nut yarn room
in between your ears.
Fuck!
This is why I didn't want
to be involved in your freak
show in the first place!
Oh, baby!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
What was that thing
you said you had to do?
Math class?
Doesn't matter.
I took care of it.
I bet you did.
You know, we can talk about it.
Like your mitzvah?
Fair enough.
Um...
ready to blow this clam bake?
All right, you grab the cart.
It'll be weird if I do it.
Hey, hey, let's go.
Been a long day.
So...
you know.
Nick?
Yeah.
Being your friend
is complicated.
Yeah, you know, I mean,
relationships are complicated.
That's the bitch
about growing up.
Uh, come on, time to sleep.
Good night, Nick.
All right.
Man, she looks good.
Well, maybe I shouldn't.
Eh, maybe just once
for old time's sake.
♪ Oh
Oh, oh, oh!
♪ Ma
Ah, fuck it.
Oh...
You can do it, Sonny!
Yeah!
Oh, oh, oh!
Lucky eyes watch the sunrise.
What the...?
♪ Uber alles
♪ Uber alles
♪ In der Welt
Holy guacamole,
it's Dayglo Doug!
Who the fuck's Dayglo Doug?
♪ Es stets zu Schutz
Sieg Heil!
Sieg Heil!
Sieg Heil!
New private school?
8,000 per quarter.
Believe it or not,
I'm counting on Nick.
The kids will wait here
until you sound the horn.
Then they run out
to the eastern meadow.
I have removed
all of the skin from your body.
I will determine
your time of death
down to the hour.
Call the goddamn Feds.
Take the goddamn deal.
I... I've seen it happen
a thousand times.
Guys can't take the pressure.
They just crack.
Let's go ahead
and kill the idiot.
You're Blue's
personal lawyer, Geno.
I would love to know what you
and Sonny had to talk about.
He's got blackmail
on everyone.
It's on video tape.
He knows what people wish for.
The dark stuff.
The stuff they don't even tell
their shrinks about.
Tell me where
he keeps the tapes.
♪ Glory receive us all, Lord
♪ My Father crucified
♪ Has brought to life
his own ♪
I thought they were
only supposed to do that
on Ash Wednesday?
It's kind of
a regular thing here.
Some girls need a lot
of repenting.
What's the matter?
Haven't you ever been
to mass before?
No.
That explains it.
Explains what?
Why Santa picked you.
You have sin in your heart.
Remember that you are dust.
And to dust you shall return.
This is gonna pinch.
Just a little.
You could be little forever.
My thumb!
You broke my fucking thumb!
You goddamn little...
Shot of bourbon,
shot of tequila,
Bloody Mary back,
and a pineapple juice
for the lady.
That ass is thicker
than a bowl of porridge.
"That ass"
is someone's daughter.
Uh-huh.
Somebody's mama, too, I bet.
All right, Le Dic, what
the hell are we doing here?
You know I'm trying
to stay sober.
Make changes in my life.
I can see that.
Moved out of that
apartment-sized Petri dish
you called a home.
You got yourself
a summer shirt that makes
you look like
an unemployed homosexual.
Fatherhood becomes you, Nicky.
How's the missy?
Hey, Hailey's great, you know.
She's starting her first day
at her new school...
You sound like
a goddamn wet nurse.
I don't give a fuck
about your daughter's school.
I'm here to talk shop.
I got a job for you.
Flag on the play.
This is a direct violation
of the bylaws.
"Consorting with
a criminal element."
I wanna thank you...
for your offer,
but as I told you before...
I'm out of the game.
Atta boy, Nick.
No. You told Nick
no killing, maiming, battery,
bribes, blackmail, fraud,
kidnapping, carjacking,
or arson.
Yeah. I had to stop at nine
on account of your handicap.
The job I got for you...
is a simple B and E.
Bacon and eggs?
Sign me up!
"Breaking and entering,"
you say?
I do say.
So why are you talking to me?
There are plenty
of "B and E" guys out there.
There sure are,
but none as good as you.
Oh, stop with the flattery.
I can't help it,
you're the best.
I am pretty good.
No, not "pretty good."
The best.
Like James Bond.
Only better
'cause you're American.
All right,
everything you say is true.
Even still, fact remains
I got a daughter now.
Can't do it.
It pays, Nicky.
2K.
Don't do it, Nick.
I know we need the money
for Hailey's school
but it's not worth your soul.
My soul ain't worth $2,000.
Yes!
My soul is worth $3,200.
Hmm.
Final offer.
No!
Details in here.
Dead drop's at the shipyard,
1600 hours.
Go with God.
You broke Father Eddie's thumb
in two places.
What do you have to say
for yourself?
It was an accident.
Wrong answer.
How old are you, Hailey?
Almost 11.
Well, that's practically
a grown-up.
I hold grown-ups accountable
for their muck-ups,
but Jesus gives us
another option: repentance.
I'm sorry.
Better.
Oh, there, now.
First day at a new school.
No friends.
You feel isolated.
It's only natural.
Here.
Read this.
"Zipporah cut off
her son's foreskin
and touched
Moses' feet with it."
Oops! Wrong place.
Hang on.
Proverbs.
"Those who trust
in themselves are fools,
but those who walk in wisdom
are kept safe."
That means you mustn't
act out in fear, Hailey.
It may seem we're all alone.
Nevertheless,
there's someone watching us.
Protecting us.
Hmm.
I haven't seem you
smile like that
since Bell Biv Devoe
made the big comeback.
I got a nice text, that's all.
You got laid.
Dr. Reddy, he can hear us.
Out like a light.
Now dish, sister.
I met somebody.
He's pretty great.
Okay, I've got
to drain the monkey,
so I'll be right back.
You rinse him out,
and then I want
to hear everything.
Okay?
Amanda, what are you doing?
You're drowning him!
What's the matter with you?
Timmy, wake up!
And so, for 40 days,
Jesus took to the desert
with no food and no water.
Nothing to distract him
from asking,
"Am I ready to die
for what I believe in?"
I'm only sorry
that my husband's hay fever
was so severe
he couldn't be here today.
But I know what he'd say
to all these beautiful
boys and girls.
"Imagine you were Jesus
starving in the desert
for 40 years."
Boo!
And now, imagine how happy
Jesus would be
if he had all these
yummy treats to eat!
Yay!
Happy Easter!
Go, go, go.
I'd forgotten how much I love
working with children.
Mm, those puffy white
marshmallow minds.
So corruptible.
You're a true gem, Smoothie.
Although...
never mind.
What?
Nothing.
No, no, please.
I thrive on feedback.
Well, why dark chocolate
and not milk?
I mean, it's America's favorite.
Kids can't get enough
of the stuff,
and frankly, neither can I.
I'm afraid that
you would find the detail
of my execution and planning
rather tedious.
Be that as it may,
dark chocolate has
a higher melting point
than milk fat-based chocolate,
and that assists
with cauterization.
But more important...
And forgive me
for my admittedly high-minded
flight of fancy...
Dark chocolate was the original
food of the gods.
The Greeks called it marta...
Should have gone milk!
Oh, well.
On to the next.
I have a few ideas
I'd like you to get started on.
I'm afraid
that isn't possible.
I have something I need
to attend to this afternoon.
Really?
May I ask what that is?
It's personal.
Smoothie, you have
no personal life.
That's what makes you special.
Little bunny eye.
It's so cute.
I want one.
I'm just joshing ya!
You little so-and-so!
I don't.
You, take the afternoon,
all right?
Company morale,
that's what I say.
Bright-eyed and cotton-tailed
tomorrow, Smoothie!
♪ The show must go on
Mr. Shine,
I have Kap Gostynski
from the network?
More golf.
We were able to recover
four of the veneers.
The remaining ones should pass
through his stool comfortably.
Timmy's mom and dad say
they won't press charges.
Oh, thank heavens.
But they're not
happy campers, Amanda.
Timmy almost drowned.
I hate to do this, but...
Doctor, please.
I think you need to take,
you know, some time off.
Long time off.
You're firing me.
They're gonna kill me on Yelp
for this, Amanda.
You don't give me any choice.
Yelp?
You know...
all right.
Ten years.
Hmm?
I did everything
I was supposed to do.
Raised my little girl alone.
It was never about me.
I had to be strong for her,
for everyone.
I was the rock.
I love The Rock.
Now...
there is something inside me,
you know?
Something I don't understand.
I think maybe I'm done being
everyone's bitch, Dr. Reddy.
Maybe it's time for someone else
to pick things up for a change.
Okay, okay.
Real good.
So if you can just
drop off your keys, that...
I don't understand
what's happening to me.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Amanda.
Uh...
May I?
Of course.
Hmm?
Feels like we're breaking
our promise to Hailey.
Well, we're not.
You heard Le Dic.
We're not killing, maiming,
battering, bribing,
blackmailing, defrauding,
kidnapping, carjacking, or...
Arsoning.
Exactly.
So if it ain't on the list...
Aww, crap.
"B and E" my balls.
But don't you ever feel bad
about taking peoples' stuff?
Like... like, picture them
coming home and being like,
"Whoa, where's my stuff?"
You know, I... I've been
grading you on a curve
because, I mean, it's hard
going from being a
little girl's imaginary friend
to a big strong man's
imaginary friend,
so let me be candid
about what I expect
from somebody in your position.
I don't want a mother.
I don't want a wife.
And I definitely do not want
a conscience.
I had two of them three things.
It wasn't fun.
But what I do want
is a partner.
Ah-nuh...
Silent partner.
You know, someone who's gonna
be there when I need him
and disappears when I don't.
And I really feel that
that arrangement,
gonna be beneficial
for both of us.
Right, this is all
for my benefit.
You see, right there.
Already, you're growing.
That was sarcasm.
I did sarcasm?
Yeah, you did... and very well.
Now flutter aside.
Come in, noodle.
You must be the new pool boy.
My husband said
you were coming by.
As I live and breathe.
Happy, do you know who that was?
Bebe Debarge.
Who?
Only the last
great movie start, that's who.
"Operation Bim-bot,"
"Bride of The Blob,"
She was the gym coach
in "Jacuzzi Police."
Happy...
we're robbing Hollywood royalty.
Ms. Debarge,
I'm your biggest fan.
Oh, do you know my work?
Oh, yes.
I owned the poster.
You know, the one of you
in the gold bikini
tossing your hair.
I'm sure I can't recall.
I used to admire it...
nightly, if you know
what I mean.
Oh. I never tire of
hearing those stories.
Well, your husband's
a lucky man.
Hey, I'm a lucky woman.
Oh, are you.
Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa!
Holy sh... I mean, jeepers!
Poor guy.
Imagine having to lug
that thing around all day.
I don't have to imagine, Hap.
Uh, yeah, Nick.
I've seen it.
Happy, Bebe's husband is...
Sonny Shine!
Morning, Scaramucci.
I was kite surfing
at Lake Atitlán in Guatemala
over the holidays...
Superb conditions...
So I didn't get the chance
to make your acquaintance.
Warden Kilpatrick.
Seems like you've been
taking advantage
of some of our
extracurricular activities.
Sodomy.
Sodomy.
Murder.
Sodomy.
What happened?
I was gonna ask you
the same thing.
I'm sure you understand,
it's hard to imagine
how one guy fought off
six members
of the Dimitrov crime family.
Vasiliev's skull was cracked
against the toilet seat...
Popov drowned.
He had enough water in his lungs
to kill him ten times over.
Ivanov...
The Lebdevs?
All of them...
At the same time.
I... I don't know.
Amnesia's common around here.
You've got a visitor.
Your niece.
Maybe she can...
jigger a memory or two loose.
You got five minutes, Detective.
No, no, absolutely not.
Get away, get away.
But, Uncle Blue,
I came all this way
to give you a hug.
Ah!
How's it going?
You want me
to fluff a pillow for you?
Get you some ice chips?
Fuck you, Meredith!
Like a daughter, I treated you.
I know.
I owe you big time.
That's why I'm here.
How's the deal with the Feds
coming along?
Not looking good, I hear.
Go to hell.
Geno Sarcuzzi.
I'm sure you recognize
Shine Tower.
Attorney-client privilege
ain't what it used to be, huh?
You trusted him.
He belongs to Shine.
I spoke to Geno earlier today.
There's no deal, Blue.
But...
You can make one with me.
Give me Sonny Shine.
Oh, Merry.
I would rather die in here
than suffer the shame
of owing you anything.
Good luck with that.
Fuck!
When I get out of here, Merry...
And I will...
Ah! I'm gonna cut you
to ribbons!
Okay, just calm down.
Get off!
Get off.
There, there, now.
We're not going anywhere.
No, no, no...
Ah!
Ah...
Get on the ground!
Get on the ground now!
Even as Jesus hung
dying on the cross,
he offered comfort to Dismas,
the Penitent Thief beside him.
Leading him into
the kingdom of Heaven
and making Saint Dismas
the first saint.
Can anyone name
some other saints?
What about Saint Nick?
Nice, Dagny.
Sister, how did Saint Nick
become Santa Claus?
That's a good question.
Saint Nick was the bishop
of Myrna,
but he always took care
of the town's children.
I know we all
love Christmas, girls,
but now's not the time to...
Oh, what the hey.
♪ Oh what fun it is to ride
♪ In a one-horse
open sleigh, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
♪ Jingle all the way
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
♪ In a one-horse open
You, me, under the bleachers.
5:00.
Psycho.
Our mom said she has PMS-D.
Don't look at me like that.
Mmm...
Damn it. No way Sonny's
shvantz is that big.
I should have guessed
this was Sonny Shine's house.
He's always got
the coolest stuff.
If you want it, take it.
We can't steal
from Sonny Shine!
He's a beloved childhood icon!
He's a virus made of sewage.
Agree to disagree.
Look, Hap,
remember what I said
what I want
out of an imaginary friend?
Hmm?
"A silent partner..."
Mm-hmm.
"Who helps you out
when you need him
and disappears when you don't."
Exactly.
So keep your eye on Bebe.
Let Daddy go to work.
Bentgrass, wind...
North-North-West,
seven miles per hour.
Humidity...
65%.
Ugh, I know.
My hair's been so frizzy lately.
Look, Louis, you know
I'm a straight shooter,
so I'm gonna level with you.
The Network loves you.
Sonny Shine plus Easter,
total slam dunk.
But we're bumping on some
of the specifics.
Really?
It's a pretty standard script.
It's seven hours long.
There's over 300 roles in it.
Well, we can get that down
a scosh.
And then there's the language.
Not the cursing so much,
but we're not supposed
to say "Chinaman" anymore.
Well, didn't get that memo.
Your script uses it 34 times.
All in reference
to George Takei,
who is of Japanese descent.
What if we cut out
the last 60 pages?
But that's the climax!
The three magic wishes!
We don't need them.
Kap...
Mulligan.
The three wishes are the crux
of the whole piece.
They're a little pat.
Mulligan.
They're not pat.
They're classics.
And they speak
to the child in all of us.
The secret longing
that we all have.
Surely even you...
Must have some
unfulfilled wishes.
Please, Sonny.
I run the third-largest network
in the nation.
I have more money than I know
what to do with.
My wife and mistresses
are, well, not friends,
but on good terms.
I have everything
a man could wish for.
What about the things a man
shouldn't wish for?
You know, the ones
that keep him awake at night,
or come to him in his dreams.
I mean, surely even you
must have one of those, Kap.
Whoa.
Ooh-la-la.
This room is très exotique.
Well, thank you.
I'll pass the compliment
to Otho, my decorator.
You can see me?
Well, of course,
my little piglet.
Haven't we met before?
Riding the green fairy
with Price Rainier
at The Coconut Grove?
The Green Fairy.
Green Fairy.
I don't know who that is.
Well, butter-bean,
who do you know?
Uh, do you know Hailey Hansen?
I can't say that I do.
Oh, we were together
for ten years,
but that ended recently.
Aww, there, there.
Well, you came
to the right place, darling.
Oh, Bebe knows all about...
I mean, allabout heartbreak.
La grande tristesse.
I have a new partner now,
but it's not the same.
He can be a real prickly pear.
"He"?
Oh. Well, that's okay.
Bebe's open-minded.
I mean, I care about him,
I do.
But there's something
holding me back.
It's... it's her.
It's Hailey.
You're looking at it
the wrong way, poodle.
You see, in this life,
everyone is searching
for something.
Ah, yes.
Something.
Searching for happiness.
Searching for meaning.
Searching for a higher power,
searching for God.
Well, guess what?
There is no meaning,
no happiness, no God.
Just the human connection.
Each other.
If Hailey doesn't want you,
the hell with her!
Find your connection
somewhere else.
I should have been
a TV detective.
Take it from Bebe.
You see, I have been married
seven times.
Seven?
Lady, you must be great in...
In the...
kitchen.
There was Johnny, Jimmy,
Joey, Rudolph, Henry, Mario,
and now Louis.
And you know what?
I loved each one of them dearly.
In fact, I keep all
of their rings here on a chain.
Jackpot.
How do I get one of these?
Kegels.
Each one
of these rings represents
a brand new chapter in my life.
That's the key
to happiness, kiddo.
Keep moving, man.
♪ Gray skies
are gonna clear up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face
♪ Brush off the clouds
and cheer up ♪
Put on a happy face?
♪ Take off that gloomy mask
of tragedy ♪
♪ It's not your style
♪ You look so good
that you'll be glad ♪
♪ You decided to smile
♪ Pick out a pleasant outlook
♪ Or stick out
that noble chin ♪
♪ Wipe off
that full-of-doubt look ♪
♪ And slap on a happy grin
♪ And spread sunshine
♪ All over the place
♪ And put on your happy face
Come on, come on!
Hey!
Sir, let go
of Mr. Shine's penis.
I can explain.
Sorry.
Hold it!
Stop!
Whoo!
Ya-hoo!
Huh?
Ah-ha!
♪ And spread sunshine
♪ All over the place
♪ And put on a happy
♪ Put on a happy
♪ Hap-hap-happy
♪ Put on
♪ A happy face
Ha!
♪ And spread sunshine
♪ All over the place
♪ And
♪ Put on a happy
♪ Face
Ooh...
Looking for these?
Beta?
How the hell am I supposed
to play these?
Gave up on Sonny Shine, huh?
"Keep our head down.
Play it day by day."
Yeah, well, what about you?
I thought you were
"out of the business."
I was until someone sent
Le Dic to recruit me.
You knew I needed money
for Hailey's school.
You used me, Mer.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Yeah.
'Cause you're the only one
I can trust, you asshole.
You know, I really wish
I could trust you, Mer.
I really do,
but every time I try,
I'm the guy who winds up
with a knife in my back!
I don't recall it being
a knife, Nick.
And I think it was up your...
Silent partner.
Now, this very simple
B and E of yours,
it turned out not to be
quite so simple.
Few guards showed up.
And?
And I'm standing here
with the tapes.
You do the math.
Damn it, Sax.
I want this guy so bad.
And deep down,
I know you want it, too.
You can deny it all you want,
but this fucker
took your daughter.
♪ La-la-la
Not listening.
I know that there is nothing
you want more
than to see Sonny Shine
put away for life.
What the fuck are you
talking about, "put away"?
I want to tear him apart
with my bare hands.
I want to feed his balls
to him, and guess what?
It's really not
that down deep inside.
It's right on the surface.
But I'm a family man now,
so you're on your own.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know what is
on these tapes.
My guess, jack shit.
And you don't gotta pay me
for the job.
Let's just chalk it up
to back rent.
Hey, by the way,
next time you want a locksmith,
try the fucking yellow pages.
Yeah, so long, skirt.
I'm close, Sax.
How close?
Holy shit, Mer.
This is the best
crazy-person room
I've ever seen.
Nick, look at this place.
The woman is on the pipe.
So let's unravel this.
Sonny Shiny has got
kompromaton Blue's lawyer.
And?
And God only knows who else.
High-level politicals,
and cops, media.
I think the proof is
on these tapes.
This could be Ban Ki-moon
face-fucking a chicken.
Secretary General
of the United Nations.
I knew that.
Gosh, Mer, seems like
you've got enough evidence
in this room to bust everybody
in this town but Sonny Shine.
You don't get it.
No?
This is how he runs
his empire.
The people on these tapes
protect him.
Uh-huh?
That's why
he can't be touched.
He goes down, they go down.
It's his armor, Sax.
Without it, he's naked.
That's the only thing
I've been able to picture
for the last three hours.
Sax, we can take him down.
Oh, "we" can?
Huh.
So that maybe somebody can get
their police badge back?
Huh? I mean, really,
that's what this whole thing
is about...
Are you fucking kidding me?
It was...
Do you have any idea
how long this took me to build?
I'm trying not to think
about that 'cause I don't want
to believe you're crazy
as a fish with tits.
Now, look, I want this
Mitch-Mitchell-looking
motherfucker
just as bad as you do.
But I ain't getting
involved in nothing
unless I know we got the goods.
Now these tapes of yours...
Look at me.
Are they what you say they are?
I wouldn't have
gotten you involved
if I didn't think we had a shot.
Well, you can stop
thinking about me.
Start thinking about Hailey,
'cause she is the one priority.
She is the only priority.
Oh, shit, I was supposed
to pick her up from school.
Stop, stop.
Under, under, under.
I saw it.
Down.
Jackass.
There she is!
Hailey, hey.
You ready to roll?
What's that shit on your face?
I'm repentant.
Okay. Time to go.
I can't.
I have to meet my math teacher
to get my syllabus.
It'll only take ten minutes.
Pretty cool.
Rabbit's foot?
Wonder what happened
to the rest of him?
It's for luck.
Well, not so much for him.
Tell you what, you do your thing
and I'll meet you
right back here.
Okay.
Ladies, I'm Nick Sax.
I need to talk to you
about your, uh...
equipment.
Didn't think you would show up
without the bitch squad.
I don't need them.
Let's make this quick,
I have piano at...
I'm gonna eff you
until you love me!
Let me go!
Help!
Help me!
Hi.
You almost got hurt back there.
Aren't you a lucky little girl?
Haven't seen you
around here before.
Who's your kid?
Big guy.
We're just visiting.
A little old, don't you think?
He's young at heart.
Hey, how come you're the only
imaginary friends here?
Hailey's last school
was full of them.
Between bullying
and the internet,
kids grow up fast here
at St. Melanie.
We're like white tigers
around here.
A dying breed.
Eh, all right, Poindexter.
Make that piece of shit work.
We have no idea how high
this thing goes.
Anybody could be on those tapes.
♪ Ah!
A sex tape?
Oh, fuck!
I don't believe it.
Me, neither.
Look at that thing.
God, I hate the universe!
Not, it's supposed
to be blackmail.
Where's Ban Ki-Moon?
Where's...
Where's the fucking chicken?
Ah, baby!
Bebe!
You got the wrong tapes.
Don't pin this on me, sister.
You got bad intel.
I did not.
These were the only tapes
in that house.
Here's a thought for you:
Maybe these so-called
"blackmail tapes" only exist
in the shit-nut yarn room
in between your ears.
Fuck!
This is why I didn't want
to be involved in your freak
show in the first place!
Oh, baby!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
What was that thing
you said you had to do?
Math class?
Doesn't matter.
I took care of it.
I bet you did.
You know, we can talk about it.
Like your mitzvah?
Fair enough.
Um...
ready to blow this clam bake?
All right, you grab the cart.
It'll be weird if I do it.
Hey, hey, let's go.
Been a long day.
So...
you know.
Nick?
Yeah.
Being your friend
is complicated.
Yeah, you know, I mean,
relationships are complicated.
That's the bitch
about growing up.
Uh, come on, time to sleep.
Good night, Nick.
All right.
Man, she looks good.
Well, maybe I shouldn't.
Eh, maybe just once
for old time's sake.
♪ Oh
Oh, oh, oh!
♪ Ma
Ah, fuck it.
Oh...
You can do it, Sonny!
Yeah!
Oh, oh, oh!
Lucky eyes watch the sunrise.
What the...?
♪ Uber alles
♪ Uber alles
♪ In der Welt
Holy guacamole,
it's Dayglo Doug!
Who the fuck's Dayglo Doug?
♪ Es stets zu Schutz
Sieg Heil!
Sieg Heil!
Sieg Heil!