Happy! (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - White Sauce? Hot Sauce? - full transcript

Previously on "Happy!"

I'm Nick Sax,
NYPD-ish.

I'm trying to locate a man.

Looks like Santa Claus.

This password, it's actually
why we're all here.

- And I'm the only one who...
- Knows the password.

- Which is why...
- You gotta get dead.

You guys are trying to kill me!

Oh, no, Sax.

We're gonna kill you.

What do you want, Blue?



You know what I want, Meredith.

How is your ma?

She been taking her medication?

Don't worry.

I've got a whole new way
into Nick Sax.

You have an enemy in your house.

This is the one who killed
your three sons.

Three?
There's four.

Mikey is not with them.

Your guy, Mr. Ho Ho Ho.

He's under strict orders
to stay with the children.

- Smoothie.
- The Bug is upset.

And I need you to do
a scrub down.

This is it, Nick!
The dark room!



Don't worry.
Happy and my dad are coming.

They're going to save us.

How will he find us now?

♪

What the hell

are you doing here?

- Working a case.
- This ain't a homicide!

A favor for a friend!

For Amanda.

Bullshit!
She hates your guts.

She'd never come to you.

You're right.
She does hate my guts.

And for all the right reasons.
But she loves her daughter.

She loves Hailey.

Why didn't she come to me?

She tried.

♪

Let's go, Sax.

We can work the case.

Together.

Just like old times.

♪

Well, well, well.

You had me right up
to "old times."

Let's try this again.
What's your angle?

Merr, so predictable.

You gotta go see Blue, Nick.

He's really got you by the
short and curlies, doesn't he?

♪

Ow.

♪

Happy?
Let's split.

♪

This was hers.
Hailey's.

♪

Come on.
Let's go find her.

♪

Why are you touching me?

I've been waiting for you.

I'm not in the mood to...
What the fuck is that?

Cherry vape.

I'm quitting the old nic sticks.

I was starting to get
lines around my mouth.

Let's be real.
Hombre to hombre.

I get it.
You hate the show.

But I just came from the morgue,

and this dead son story
is heating up.

And bro, you are
a big part of it.

I am talking recurring guest.

I am talking spin-off.

Just, uh, sign this release

and you can leave all that
mobster crap behind.

That... crap?

Cameras aren't rolling, dude.

Celebrities are
the new mobsters.

They make twice as much,

and nobody expects them
to obey the law.

You know, you gotta give up
this tired old idea of...

Why would I wanna
leave all this behind?

I love my work.

♪

♪ Frosty the Snowman
was a happy jolly soul ♪

♪ With a corncob pipe
and a button nose ♪

♪ And two eyes
made out of coal ♪

♪ Frosty the Snowman
is a fairy tale they say ♪

♪ He was made of snow
but the children know ♪

♪ How he came
to life one day ♪

♪ There must have been
some magic in ♪

♪ That old silk hat
they found ♪

♪ For when they placed it
on his head ♪

♪ He began to dance around

Merry McCarthy.

♪ Frosty the Snowman

This isn't where
you're supposed to be.

Blue isn't going to be happy.

♪ But the children say
he could laugh and play ♪

♪ Just the same
as you and me ♪

Don't you know...

That curiosity...

Killed the cat?

♪

Here, pussy, pussy,
pussy, pussy, pussy.

Come, Dancer.

Come.
Come on.

Come, Dasher!
Yes!

Come, Prancer!
And Vixen!

On, Comet and Cupid!

And...
Donner, and...

I know who's naughty
and who's nice.

You are way too nice
to go in there.

You wanna stay with me,
don't you?

With my other nice kids?

You wanna?

♪

♪

♪

♪

6538 Rose Drive.
6536 Rose Drive.

Oh, look! 6534,
we're almost home!

You're almost home.

I haven't seen Amanda
in ten years.

♪

Maybe this is a bad idea.

We've been to a place
where girls slide

up and down poles
in their birthday suits,

where a teddy bear
plays with pee-pees,

a restaurant that forgot
to cook the fish,

and a few other places
I'm too shy to even talk about.

And you think this
is a bad idea?

Amanda and I didn't exactly
leave on the best of terms.

Come on, Nick.

You're a super cop
who knows the Big Apple

better than anybody.

She's a super mom
who knows Hailey

better than anybody.

We can't lose!

Push it.
Push the bell.

Come on.
Push it, Nick.

Push the bell!
Give me a minute, will you?

Wh... What's the matter,
Nick?

I've seen this look before.

On Hailey's face right before

riding the pirate ship
at the carnival.

Are... Are you...
Scared?

God, I hate you.

Oh, you are.

Okay, you've kicked in the doors

of the baddest baddies
in the Big Apple.

Quit calling it the Big Apple.

You sound like a moron.

No one who lives in New York
calls it the Big Apple.

I'm not from New York, Nick.

I'm from Zork,
the capital of Cupcake Kingdom.

I'm gonna say it again.
I hate you.

Okay, Amanda is
the kindest, happiest,

most understanding,
sweetest smelling lady...

- Fine.
- In the whole wide world.

Amanda...

Don't worry, partner.

You'll see, she's going
to be so happy to see you.

Hey, Amanda.

Any more bold predictions,
Nostradamus?

♪

Does it work?

♪

♪

♪

"Sit up straight."

"Eat your vegetables."

"Put down that smartphone
or tablet."

The common refrain of
the typical American parent.

Does it sound familiar to you?

No.

Of course it does.

But did you listen?
No.

You didn't.
And now here we are.

Starting today,
your little lives will change

in ways you could never
have imagined.

There will be moments when
you will wonder

what you have done
to deserve these changes.

Now, I'm sure you all feel
you've been good little boys

and good little girls.

But until now,
you have not known the meaning

of true discipline.

Of true obedience.

Your parents were lax with you.

Lax and careless.

You have gotten away
with murder.

Haven't you, my little
contraceptive mishaps?

♪

It's a rhetorical question.

Yours is a generation without
respect or responsibility.

An irrelevant,
fidgety generation.

You've been medicated,
but never taught

how to properly behave.

In fact, I have never seen
a room of young faces

in such dire need of correction.

Perhaps that's why your
careless parents

have delivered you to me.

It's a really nice
pillow. And place.

I mean, this is some, uh,
legit construction, here.

Old school.

Nice flooring and the oak trim.

I mean, uh...

It's not that sheetrock,
uh, plywood crap.

Bet it does a pretty decent job
keeping the winter away, huh?

- I'm not a homesteader, Nick.
- Yeah, no.

- It's a rental.
- Yeah.

I'm just saying that,
uh, you've done good.

Without you.

Words are hard to find.

Trying to understand what's
yours, what's mine.

We find ourselves
in this moment together.

This moment of time.

Knowing in our heart
what needs to be said is,

you know,
really just in our eyes.

- You are unbelievable.
- What?

- That's from our wedding song.
- I don't... It's...

I don't think so.
Why are you here?

Hailey.

Merry told you?

♪

From September.

♪

- She doesn't look like me.
- She's yours.

♪

It's not what I meant.

♪

The eyes.

♪

You being pregnant
and not telling me, you know,

I get it.

Hailey being born,
leaving me out of it...

♪

I guess I get that, too.

But goddamn it, Amanda.

When they took her,
you go to Merry?

That's right.
I did.

Looking for you.

Can you imagine how
humiliating that was for me?

- Uh...
- And where were you?

Faded, probably?

Pills?

- Coke?
- I...

Booze?
Maybe all of the above?

Or maybe... just maybe...
Putting a bullet

in some poor bastard
for a little cash.

That's right.
I hear things.

Things that I didn't
wanna believe.

But looking at you now...

She's my daughter.

♪

I've done everything I could
in the last ten years

to keep her from being
your daughter.

♪

And that's exactly
how I want to keep it.

It is my job to keep her safe.

And keeping her safe means
keeping you out of our lives.

She's not safe!

♪

I mean, think about it, Nicky.

Look at the dumpster fire
that your life has become

and ask yourself
how I could rely on you.

How anyone could rely on you.

Just trying to protect...

♪

Destroying lives
and abandoning people?

All you do is bring chaos
and violence and destruction

to everything you touch.
Well, that's

a little bit of an exaggeration.

♪ Just hear those sleigh
bells jingling ♪

♪ Ring-ting-ting-a-ling too

♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling
a-ding-dong-ding ♪

♪ Come on,
it's lovely weather ♪

♪ For a sleigh ride together
with you ♪

♪ Outside,
the snow is falling ♪

♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling
a-ding-dong-ding ♪

♪ Ding-dong-ding

♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling
a-ding-dong-ding ♪

♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling

♪ A-ding-dong-ding

♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling
a-ding-dong-ding ♪

♪

♪ Our cheeks are nice and
rosy ♪

♪ And comfy and cozy
are we ♪

♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling
a-ding-dong-ding ♪

♪ We're snuggled up
together ♪

♪ Like two birds
of a feather would be ♪

♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling
a-ding-dong-ding ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Axe and you shall receive.

♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling
a-ding-dong-ding ♪

♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling

♪ A-ding-dong-ding

♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling
a-ding-dong-ding ♪

♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling

♪ A-ding-dong-ding

♪

Ah, what the hell
did I do that for?

No! No!

Nick! Nick! Not here, please!

This is Hailey's special place!

No!

Not Hailey's blankie!

♪

Oh, first place!

Uh, I know this Puerto Rican
fella in my building.

He can really do wonders
with all the stains.

- Get out.
- Let me help, Amanda.

911. What's your emergency?

- Please let me help.
- Hello?

Hello?

- Please.
- Get out of our house.

If this is a non-emergency,

please call the non-emergency
number.

What is your location?

Is anyone there?

♪

How the hell did this happen?

Oh, I remember a trampoline.

Mm.

Was there a slip and slide?

♪

Too much sun. Too soon,
too early, too much.

Mm, something's burning.

♪

Someone broke our window.

♪

I think I know who
broke our window.

Oh, master detective.

I have a great idea.

Sleep, bloodies,
do it all over again.

Mm. Sleep, yes.

Bloodies...

Maybe.

You know we're gonna
look back fondly on this...

On a complete blank.

♪

You're gonna miss it
when it's gone.

♪

♪

♪

Eight voicemails?
Overkill?

You're here, aren't you?

Maybe pick up the
phone next time,

save us all a little trouble.

I was indisposed.

Yeah.
We heard.

Bitches, I get that
getting jerked around

by Internal Affairs all morning

is a part of my official
job description,

but can we please
get to the fucking point?

The language on this one.

You suck your captain's dick
with that mouth?

Exactly what do you think
your job is, McCarthy?

Working in partnership
with the community

to enforce the law, preserve...
Homicide.

You work homicide.

How's the Scaramucci
investigation going, McCarthy?

- It's ongoing.
- Ongoing?

You know who fucking did it.
Nick Sax.

That's who you should
be out looking for.

Instead, you seem
to have demoted yourself

to kiddie kidnapping.

Missing Persons.
Great band in the '80s.

Not your department.

Nothing to say for yourself?

What are words for
when no one listens anymore?

McCarthy, this
insubordinate routine

can work really badly
against you.

You remember what happened
to Sax, right?

Yeah.

I remember what you two
did to him.

Oh come on, if ever
there was an architect

of his own spectacular
demise, it was Nick Sax.

Dude was a walking downward
spiral, and you know it.

Only a matter of time.

Guess when you look at it
like that,

what's a little planted evidence

to help things along, right?

You want us to get to the
fucking point, so here it is.

This whole kidnapping angle,

you want to steer
wide clear of that.

Sometimes kids go missing.

It's a tragedy.

Sometimes we find them.
Sometimes we don't.

You understand, McCarthy?

Sometimes they just
stay missing.

♪

So this is a message from Blue.

Blue? Who's that?

You know who she's
talking about, Hubble?

Hmm.

Without getting too graphic,

how the hell do you bitches
sleep at night?

Not on our father's graves.

That is him on that wall,
isn't it?

Behind you?
Wall of Heroes.

He was a good cop, McCarthy.
Anyway, that's what I hear.

Cut down in the line of duty.

Mm. Makes you sick, doesn't it?

He must've been so proud of you.

Yeah, I bet he was.

And I bet I know what
he would tell you right now.

He would tell you to stay
off of that wall.

Do what you have to do.

Do whatever you have to do.

But stay off that wall.

♪

One by one.

Single file.

Mmm. Delicious.

Oh, no.

No fattening up for you.
Go, sit.

Aren't you lucky?

Some of us were born with
refined sugar allergies.

No sprinkles or frosting
on Christmas.

Just hives and running sores.

♪

What's the matter?

I'm not hungry.

Perhaps you once
had a piece of cake

that didn't agree with you.

♪

Go on, eat it.
It's good.

♪

I don't think Happy
and your dad are coming.

♪

Try and lend a helping hand,

the world wipes its ass with it.

She didn't want my help, nah.

It's half-off sushi Saturday
at a very adequate strip joint

not too far from here.

I can practically
smell the spicy tuna.

I guess Amanda was pretty
hard on you,

but mommies can
have bad days too.

Anybody can.

What's the matter with you?

What do you... ah!

You didn't tell me you shed.
Don't shed!

I don't like animals that shed!

Look, I don't blame you
for feeling sad, Nick.

If I were you, I'd want
to just poof! Disappear!

At least for a little while.

Why not forever?

Wh-whenever I'm feeling down,
I go back to basics,

I think of ways to help Hailey.

That's why I became an
imaginary friend after all!

You know, the best way to
forget about your own problems

is to do something nice
for someone else.

That's why Christmas
is so awesome-sauce, Nick.

Everyone full of holiday spirit

and goodwill toward
their fellow man.

That holly, jolly time of year

when people can pack up
their troubles

in an old doggy poop bag,

and really be their truest self.

Their true self?

Really?

Is that what you think?

Well, yeah.

Yeah, good luck with that.
I'm out of here.

Not so fast, Nick!

I think someone forgot
his Christmas spirit.

What have I told you?

"By failing to prepare,
you are preparing to fail."

That's right,
and when I coined that phrase,

it changed my life.
I think it was Benjamin-

- God, what a year
we've had, huh?

So many ups and downs.

I've never been more in love.

No peeking.

Aww, you see, Nick?

You see? The spirit of
Christmas is everywhere!

Ladies and gentlemen,
we apologize

for any inconvenience.

All Queens-bound trains have
been delayed indefinitely.

Oh, this city never disappoints.

Is a show about to start?

Oh, yeah. You just watch.

All it takes is a little
inconvenience and...

then you start to see them.

See who?

Truest selves.

Go on, Tinkerbell. Take a look.

Little lap around.

See how much humanity you find

when the A train
ain't running on time.

Seriously!

Come on.

♪

What the hell do
I pay taxes for?

Oh, I forgot. It's up to the
ass kickers in this world

to subsidize handouts
for the deadbeats.

What area code's 602?

Ugh, new client.

I didn't ask who it was,
I asked what area code it is.

You stole it?

Gee whiz, the old
five finger discount.

Nick!

Uh, what are you doing?
Get off the tracks.

Mm. Do you smell that?

All the Christmas spirit
in the air.

You could practically
choke on it.

You scratch the surface,
and there you have it:

our true selves.

People hiding behind their
bright, colorful wrappings

of bullshit.

Hoping that it'll hide
what they really are

deep down inside
underneath it all.

Empty boxes and broken toys.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we apologize
for any inconvenience.

The next Queens-bound train
will be arriving

in two minutes.

Uh, Nick, the train is coming.

Yep.

Yeah, so why don't
you get off the tracks?

Nope.

I'm gonna teach you a lesson,

my little blue bastard.

Something you're
never gonna forget.

I'm gonna lie down
here on these tracks,

and I'm gonna let that train
run me right over,

and I guarantee you not one SOB
on that whole platform

will lift a finger to help me.

Nick! No!

Help! Help! Help!

Mom!

- Please! Someone help!
- You drove me to this.

Your man whore can wait!

Dump what's left of your
career in a cardboard box.

Merry Christmas!
Help!

Help, please! Help!

All right, Nick.
Get up, you win!

How's it looking up there?

Awful!
You made your point!

Not quite. Not until I give
these walls a new paint job.

But, Nick!
What about Hailey?

Hailey. Hailey.

Don't you try
and put this on me!

You were the one with her
when she was kidnapped!

What have you done?

I found you.

Yeah, well.

How's that working out for you?

You're right, Nick.

This is your kind of world.

Not a world
for soft things like me,

like Hailey.

You've opened my eyes to a lot
of stuff I never wanted to see.

But I won't watch you do this.

If you want me to go, fine.
I'll... I'll disappear.

Music to my ears.

Bye-bye.

All right, then.

Goodbye, partner.

Oh, come on now, really?

God, I hate my heart.

This homeless dude's
having a heart attack!

Does anyone know CPR?

Someone call 9-1-1!

Okay, all right.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Get your hands off me, Jesus.

You really should be
in the hospital.

Aw, shut up.

We saved him!
It's a Christmas miracle!

♪

Feel it.

Isabella.
Si.

What do you think we're doing?

We're making Mikey's favorite
meatballs and sauce,

just like you said.

No.

You are a mother,

calling for the soul
of your son.

And how are you gonna
get him back?

Here! Here! Feel it!

Feel it!
Okay, okay.

Feel it!

Bene. Isabella?
Mmhmm?

What's the most important
ingredient in that sauce?

- Oh, garlic.
- No.

A mother's soul.

A mother's love.

Only through a mother's love,

the aroma of this flesh,

can waft to the spirit world

that will free Mikey
of his purgatories.

That, and a few drops
of my menstrual blood.

Oh, yeah.

Uh... Um...

I just threw up in my mouth.

♪

♪

You told him.

When I found Sax,
he was already looking for her.

We missed Hailey by minutes.

He was there?

With you?

Amanda, you're gonna
have to lay low for a while.

Excuse me?

This thing, it's bigger
than I thought.

I'm not sure how deep it goes,

but there are powerful
people involved.

People who will not think twice
about making you disappear.

Disappear?

Without Hailey,
there is nothing left

of me to disappear.

It is what it is.

I've already overstepped
by involving you.

So you're asking me
to do what, exactly?

Sit here quietly,
waiting for a knock

on what's left of my front door
telling me she's dead?

I know it's not easy,
but seven other sets of parents

are doing that exact same thing.

Please let me handle it.

You're not handling anything.

You're afraid.

♪

I threw the wrong person
out of my house.

Amanda.

♪

Hey, hey, come on back, Happy.

Come on, Hap.

All right, all right.
Enough of the drama, come on.

Come on back.
Bye, guys, see you tomorrow!

All right, you were right,
all right?

I mean, well, you know,
for the most part.

I mean, not all people are bad,
they're just...

God damned annoying
most of the time.

So come on.

Hap!

Happy!

Ah, shit. I killed my kid's
imaginary friend.

No "Nutcracker"
for me this year.

Chicken and lamb combo.
Extra onions.

Need five minutes.
White sauce? Hot sauce?

Give him both!
It's Christmas!

♪ I'll have a blue
Christmas ♪

♪ Without you

♪ I'll be so blue
Wait a minute.

- ♪ Just thinking about you
- That song.

♪

Really into Christmas,
ain't you?

Happiest time of the year.

Oh good. You two have met.

We can get right down to
tomorrow night's business.

Yeah, no. I don't think so.

I beg your pardon?

I ain't working
with Kris Kringle here.

I mean, as a general guideline,
I prefer to work alone,

but when an obvious
total psychopath

is involved... no.

Don't be silly, Nick.

♪

This is one of my best men.

You two are gonna get along
like a pair of tits.

♪

Non-negotiable.

Well, deck the halls
with boughs of holy shit.

I knew that asshole
looked familiar.

♪

That means...

Blue.

He's been behind it
the whole time.

♪

Blue!

Blue?

Mikey?

Shit's just getting weirder
and weirder.

♪ Father Christmas,
do not touch ♪

♪ Father Christmas, do not
touch ♪

♪ As she stood beneath
the mistletoe ♪

♪ Father Christmas,
do not ♪

♪ Father Christmas, do not

♪ Father Christmas,
do not ♪