Happy! (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - When Christmas Was Christmas - full transcript

Previously, on "Happy!"...

Ah!

You're not a hallucination,

you're not my subconscious
trying to gyrate me

for all my past sins.

There's probably a little
girl somewhere out there

who needs her daddy. I ain't him.

You are him.

Who are you?

Hailey Hansen.

They took me away from my mom.



- I miss her.
- I need your help.

Someone kidnapped my daughter.

You owe me.

I don't owe you anything at all.

Nick Sax has got my password.

The only man you ever loved
broke up his marriage.

Wait a minute, were you two...

I'm gonna lose my lunch.

I bring you Sax, and we're even.

I saw what you did to
all those bad guys, Nick.

If you can do that, you can save Hailey.

That picture of you that
Hailey saw was real.

You were a hero once.

I guess that's why you hate yourself.



Come on, let's go find this kid.

My dad's coming. He's a hero.

He's gonna find Santa and he's
gonna put him in jail forever.

What if Santa finds your daddy first?

Hey!

I'm the only one who can hear that.

Yeah.

I'm not sure I follow your point, Nick.

You know this shtick of yours...

The songs, the corny lines,

the zany "aw shucks" vaudeville routine?

It's not cute.

It's not funny.

Hailey thinks I'm cute and funny.

Hey, do you ever stop to think

maybe she didn't really
send you off to find me?

Maybe she wanted to get rid of you.

Trying to get rid...

That's... uhh.

That...

That is not true.

I'm an absolutely delightful
little ball of funshine.

I've known you less than 24 hours.

I already wanna kill
both of us with fire

just to make it stop.

Ooh, are we there yet?

I can't. Ugh.

Do I need to remind you what happened

the last time we took
our eyes off the road?

Okay.

We're gonna play the quiet game
until we get off this bridge.

Oh, what's the quiet game?

Usually Hailey and I
just play with apps.

You know, games on the phone.

Oh, maybe you should
use Google Maps, Nick.

Amanda uses Google Maps.

It tells you the best route to take

so you don't get stuck in traffic.

Also, it sounds funny.

Google...

Google. Google.

L-O-L.

What the heck?

You can't get out of
the car on a bridge.

Oh.

Ah.

What are you doing, Nick?

Anyone ever tell you
about right and wrong?

Eh, there's a lot of
things nobody ever told me.

Then again, I was never
much of a listener.

Look, I'm not defending the guy.

- Okay.
- I'm just saying...

This piece of shit's not
worth us losing our jobs over.

Just take a walk. Grab a falafel.

- It won't take you long.
- You know I can't do that.

You're my goddamn partner.

Three domestic abuse
calls in the last week...

That guy's beating on that poor girl

like Keith Moon at Woodstock

and we're supposed to
turn the other way, why?

Because he's some rich asshole's lawyer?

You know, I think we got
our roles reversed here, Sax.

You're supposed to be the cynical,

jaded vet who plays by the rules,

and I'm supposed to be the idealistic,

young rookie who just can't accept that

sometimes the bad guys
get away with shit.

Like I said, Mer, falafel.

It's calling your name.

All right, I'll tell you what.

We knock on this door, you be good cop,

I be, you know, me.

Stay close by, make sure I don't do

any permanent damage to this asshole,

and maybe we can both
manage to stay employed.

What the hell is this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, you're those cops
that showed up last week.

Ah, Detective...

- Sax, right?
- That's right.

I thought I was very
specific, very specific...

Shut that goddamn thing's mouth, Coco,

or I swear to Christ!

Hey, hey, come here, Detective.

Let me talk to you a second.

Come here, between us boys, Sax.

You know what it is?

It starts out as a nice
little side piece, right?

Swears up and down, it's
ok, I got the implant.

Besides, the last dude she was with...

Allegedly messed her up
so she can't, you know...

Next thing you know, she's knocked up.

Can you believe it? I
set her up in this place.

Nice place, right? No rent, furnished.

All I expect is when I want to come out

this side of town and get off,

I don't want any lip
about it, you understand?

Suppositories.

New thing.

Guys doing speedballs up the ass.

I say to myself, what kind of douchebag

would ever do something like that?

Now I see I'm looking
right at him, right?

I think something's getting
lost in translation here.

- Do you?
- The men I associate with,

the men I represent...

I can literally take
your badge, Detective.

I can just take it.

The men you associate with.

What, you wanna lay hands on me?

Do it.

Do it, make it easy.

Let me be clear.

Nothing gets lost in translation.

I am someone

that you don't wanna be associated with

in any way, shape, or form.

When I come back here,

badge or no badge,

I'm gonna take your head

and shove it up your ass

and use it like your mother's.

Eh, maybe you're right.

I could probably go for
an attitude adjustment.

I don't even know what
to say to you right now.

Then why don't you tell
me where we're going?

Hailey. Where is she?

How the heck should I know?

You're the detective.

- You were with her, right?
- Yeah.

So where did he take you?

I don't know.

You don't know?

It was dark... Really dark.

How dark?

Really, really dark.

And there was a hallway.

And then we came to a big room...

A dirty, smelly room.

There was junk everywhere,

super old junk, Nick, like,

like from when you were little.

And there were these boxes,

big wooden boxes with holes.

That's where he keeps them, Nick.

That's where
the monster keeps the kids.

There's only one person who can save us.

You know who he is,

and you're the only
one who can find him.

I'm not leaving you.

You have to. You have to find him.

You have to bring him back here.

But Hailey, I don't even...

You can do it.

Know why?

Because I believe in you.

So, you see, Nick? I can't let her down.

That's very heartwarming.
What about the guy?

- Tell me about the guy.
- The guy?

The monster.

Can you describe him?

We're gonna go see a friend of mine.

He used to be a police sketch artist

back when I was on the force.

They had to let him go
because he got a little...

Ah, never mind why they let him go.

The guy's a pro, and he owes me a solid.

Now, this so-called monster of yours...

You're gonna tell me what he looks like.

I'm gonna tell him, he's
gonna draw it, capisce?

- Oh, okay.
- All right.

Why are we doing this again?

How many times are we gonna go over it?

I need the picture so we
know who we're looking for.

Right? It's called police work.

Hmmm.

Cigs...

Alcohol...

And Drakkar Noir.

That can only be one man.

- Nick Sax.
- Hey.

Damn.

What happened to you?

I won the Powerball.

Got a wardrobe upgrade, quit drinking.

Got myself a personal trainer.

Yep, living the high life.

You?

Same, same. As you can see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Emil, I need a favor from you.

If I give you a description,

can you just sketch something up for me?

Well, you know,

it's not like the old days.

Yeah, I know, I see.

Your work's really, um...

Evolved.

That's not what I mean.

These days, it's gonna
cost you 20 bucks.

You got yourself a deal.

You... start describing.

Oh, let's see.

He was super ugly.

Like... like... Like if a sea monster

and smog monster had a baby,

and they dressed it up like
the Grinch in a big red coat,

but he was all grown
up... Oh, and not green.

Uh, big red suit.

And ugly.

You were right.

This morning...

Entitled sons of bitches.

Think they can get away with anything.

Yeah, Mer.

Been around the block a few times.

See how these things pan out.

Yeah, but Nick...

It's easy to say, why
stick your neck out?

She made her bed, let her lie in it.

But... guess if we're not going to

stick our necks out
for people like that,

we've got no business being cops, right?

Couldn't have
said it better myself, Mer.

You know, I'm glad we can have

these little chats.

Sometimes, you know, you just

need someone to bounce shit off of.

That's right.

Keeps you from going insane.

Hey, screw IAB.

I'll take the heat for
what happened today.

So sweet. Wanna close that?

Morning, Detective.

So, assaulting a cop
in a police station.

Probably not your brightest move.

And now you're locked
up in here instead of

out there looking for
your kid. How's that feel?

How's that eye feel?

Not to mention you took the shot

at one cop in this entire building

who might actually be able to help you.

Oh, you're gonna help me?

There isn't an honest cop in this place.

These came to

the parents of the
other missing children.

Christmas cards.

Guess I don't have to
ask if they look familiar.

No ransom demand. Nothing. Why?

Maybe these sick bastards
get as much of a thrill

out of torturing the
parents as they do the kids.

Penny Baker...

Reported missing late yesterday.

No card yet?

Any cop worth his shit

might go out there, stake him out...

See if they get a card.

And who brings it.

Turn around.

The kid, Hailey.

Is it Sax's?

Does it matter?

You could've just said Santa Claus.

Santa Claus, huh?

Oh! Th-That's him.

That's the guy.

Sorry I wasted your time, Emil.

Not wasting my time at all.

That'll be 20 bucks, Nick.

It's yours.

- Hey, Sax.
- What?

Them voices?

I hear 'em too.

Where are you taking me?

♪ Toyland ♪

♪ Toyland ♪

♪ Little girl and boy land ♪

♪ While you dwell within it ♪

♪ You are happy ever then ♪

♪ Childhood's joy-land ♪

♪ Mystic, merry toyland ♪

♪ Once you pass its borders ♪

All right, all right, I get it.

I got it, just, please,

don't sing that or
anything else ever again.

But I need you to dig into
that pea-sized head of yours.

You gotta give me
something about this guy.

A lisp? A limp?

A smell.

A funny smell, like,
like plastic burning?

But sweet.

Hmm...

I know that smell.

Meth.

What... was that bad?

Well, it ain't good.

Eh, in hindsight, I
guess we could've picked

a less conspicuous ride.

I told you we shouldn't
have cheated at cards.

Oh, yeah, that might be the
reason why they're after us.

Oh.

It could be that we're
driving a stolen car,

with stolen guns in the trunk, or...

it could be the three
dead bodies at Le Dic's.

Or the however many dead bodies

we left back at that hospital.

To tell you the truth,
all this excitement...

I've kind of lost track.

Or not leaving 20% at breakfast.

I don't wanna be mean,

but you are really,
really bad at driving.

Disagree.

Look at all the traffic we avoided.

We didn't need Google Maps.

Nick!

I wanna remind you that a
little girl's life is at stake.

Merry Christmas.

You know something?

You need to relax, calm down,

and get into the Christmas spirit.

Be cheerful. Besides, like I said...

I got an idea.

And that porridge is just right.

What the hell... Sax!

Oh, the teddy bear talked, Nick.

That's the second job
in a row I did for free

because you can't learn to knock.

Well, to be fair, you did
leave both half finished.

That's so not funny.

These must be the magic carrots
that make the reindeer fly.

Look, I'll be happy to pay you

for your, uh, business losses.

I just need a little help from you.

The last time you needed my help,

I ended up wearing four dead guys.

This is totally different.

I'm just looking for someone.

Santa fetish, meth head.

Looks like he was dipped
in honey, rolled in garbage.

- Likes little kids.
- Yeah, um...

I don't do Santas.

I had a pervy uncle,

used to dress like
Santa every Christmas.

I think he was my uncle.

I don't wanna talk about it, okay?

Sure, we all gotta
draw the line somewhere.

Still, something tells
me you know where to find

some holly jolly freaks...

don't you, Angel?

Yeah, sure.

I know where to find them.

The North Pole.

Yeah, I know..

What is this place, Nick?

This, my petite amigo,
is a winter wonderland.

I'm suddenly thirsty.

All right, I give, what's the deal?

What?

What, what?

- The Santa thing?
- Mmm.

Mmm, they've been coming in here

as long as anybody can remember.

Department store Santas, street Santas,

you know, bell ringers.

It's a place they can hang
out and unwind, judgment free.

It's a stressful job, you know.

So, you gonna order something,
or are we just fast friends?

Whiskey.

Bottom shelf.

Don't pollute it.

You can have all the cherries you want?

You're goddamn right.

Wait a minute.

Your kind... you can eat?

We pretend to.

Oh, for Christ's sake, all right,

forget about the cherries.

Look around, see if you see him.

These are all real Santas.

Aww.

Mmm.

Wait.

I haven't had a drink in 19 hours.

I'm as dry as a cured ham.

Oh.

Hear that?

Nick, are...

Are you crying?

Shh.

Leave the bottle.

Wait.

I'm looking for someone.

Try Grindr.

A Santa Claus.

Into little kids...

A little too much, if
you know what I mean.

No clue how you'd find a guy like that

other than throw a
bottle in any direction.

Mean and scary, Nick. Tell
him he's mean and scary.

Thank you very much,
but if you don't mind,

I'll do the questions around here.

I'm not a cop.

Clearly.

Now what, Nick?

First, get nice and lubricated,

take the edge off,
straighten out my head.

And then we work.

Penny Baker... Parents
are Brent and Emma.

Lost their kid at Roosevelt
Field Shopping Center.

They didn't lose her.

Right.

She was taken.

Did I lose Hailey?

You think this is my fault?

No.

We were at Bryant Park

seeing Sonny Shine, you
know, the three wishes guy.

I was holding her hand.

And then I wasn't.

I'm sorry.

I'm not asking for sympathy.

Besides, I wouldn't
expect you to understand.

You're obviously not a mother.

You don't know that.

If you were a mother, I could tell.

You're not a mother.

Fair enough.

Probably couldn't even hold
my kid's hand right without...

Maybe you ought to let me talk in there.

This is gonna be fun.

She needed a new winter coat.

That's why we were at the mall.

They grow like weeds these days.

Every year, it's a new this or that...

When did you first notice she was gone?

At Burlington's.

The coat store.

- So big, you know?
- Yeah.

We only looked away
for a couple of seconds.

She went to the mirror.

Girls this age, they're...

"How does it look on me?"

I don't know why I didn't go with her.

Or why I didn't either.

You can't blame yourself.

How can you not?

You poor thing, all alone.

Where's your husband?

Hailey's dad?

He's not around.

Never has been.

You mind if I use your...

Right upstairs, second door on the left.

For you.

'Cause you're nice.

Eat.

No.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

You wanna see your daddy, don't you?

Yeah.

I wanna see him too.

Eat.

- No.
- Eat.

- No.
- Eat the cake.

No!

- Eat it!
- No!

I'm not eating that!

Come on.

Eat the fruitcake.

Eat it all up so you can tell me again

about how your daddy's
gonna come here and save you.

Are you sure?

About seven weeks, give or take.

Looks like Santy Claus
brought you a little present.

Hey.

Hey, hey, what are you doing here?

I, uh,

I got you this.

You got me a book?

Cheever.

I remembered how much
you said you loved it.

Ah, yeah.

Or is that just one of the

many things you said to get me in bed?

Right, so, do me a
favor... Take this home.

If I leave it here, some scumbag's
gonna walk away with it.

Any chance I can take you to lunch?

We need to talk.

You know I can't.

- You never can, Nick.
- I...

Never good time to talk,
never good time for us.

Yo, how screwed are we?

Hello, Merry.

Hey.

Anyway, I see you're busy.

We do need to talk. Tonight?

Yep. Yep. Yep.

It's important, Nick.

I know.

Tonight. I promise.

They wanna talk to me.

Fuck 'em.

That guy is radioactive, Nick.

Sax.

- Damn it.
- What was that?

That son of a bitch is
beating on her again.

Sax.

Sax!

Freeze!

Don't move.

Okay.

I guess this is happening.

If he moves, put a hole in him.

Where's the baby?

Where's the goddamn baby?

Sax.

Sax!

I mean, obviously I get it.

It's not like I'm a
communist, for Christ sake.

I'm just saying, at the
end of the day, it's...

A thing you poop through,
nothing more, nothing less.

Dude, do you mind?

I'm trying to work here.

I'm not the one who
offered up a free lap dance.

No, but my boss told me to
take you out of the main room

because you were spooking the clientele

and now I can see why.

Bad for business is my kinda thing.

Oh-kay.

I don't know what's
bringing me down more...

Your limp dick, or
your blah, blah, blah.

Anyway,

you ain't even here for a good time.

I heard you asking questions out there.

What is this, some pathetic
excuse for an investigation?

I'm beginning to wonder
the same thing myself.

Well, you ought to talk to Mrs. Claws,

because that bitch has been
here since dirt was young.

And if she doesn't got
any answers for you,

you're in the wrong club.

Mmm.

Haha-ha!

Whee!

We'll never speak of it.

Mrs. Claws.

What can I do you for, big and tall?

I'm sure you've heard why I'm here.

Who we're looking for.

Now, you can give it to me hard,

or you give it to me easy.

I'd like to give it to
you ten ways from Sunday.

I'm not so sure I'd say no to that.

You wear a Santa suit,

you got issues, one way or another.

Goes with the territory.

But the guy you're looking for

is something else.

Reminds me of a fella we
all knew back in the day,

back when Christmas was Christmas.

Worked at Gimbels before it closed down.

This was like Madison
Square Garden for Santas.

The big enchilada.

He was good.

Real good.

No one suspected what really went on

behind all the tinsel and cellophane.

Turns out the guy was a real sicko.

A monster.

A monster?

The elves knew, though.

You can't keep much from
those little sons of bitches.

They knew what he did to the kids

when mommy and daddy weren't around,

and they hated him for it.

He was giving all of us in the

yuletide economic niche a bad name.

Ended up hanging himself

in Ladies' Intimates.

The elves made sure of it.

You tell the story like you was there.

If I was, I'd never cop to it...

Not to you or anyone.

Anyway...

those were different times.

Better times.

Nowadays, they put
freaks like that on TV

and make 'em millionaires.

I used to ride that pole.

Rode it good, too.

Yeah, it's a swell story,

but need I remind you that my monster

is very much alive and kicking.

Now, this Gimbels piñata Santa...

What the hell's he have to do
with the price of ass in China?

Not him.

The son.

He had a kid, that one.

Can you imagine?

Wound up institutionalized.

No one heard anything
about him after that.

It's the kid, Nick.

Bit of a leap, ain't it?

I ain't saying he's the
one you're looking for.

I ain't saying he ain't.

Still...

I wonder some nights.

Where's that little boy now?

It's the fruitcake.

It's magic.

It makes you see things.

Look.

Do you see?

Do you see?

Just...

just come with me.

Come with me.

We're going on a little trip.

You're gonna take me to see your daddy.

Tell me she's gonna be okay.

I wish I could.

They cried to me and I believed them.

Why would anyone do
that to their own child?

Who knows? 15 minutes of fame?

I stopped figuring out
the why a long time ago.

He never talked to me about it.

What he saw.

Days like this.

How he felt.

Guess he had you for that.

Yeah, some talker that guy was.

Couldn't shut him up.

Sax didn't need a shoulder to cry on.

He was too strong for that.

That's what you call strong?

And all this time I thought
you knew him better than I did.

Take you home.

We're not done.

We still have other parents to talk to.

Haven't you seen enough?

You're kidding, right?

Yeah?

"Yeah. Yeah."

Such a vulgar way to
answer the telephone.

What do you want, Blue?

You know what I want, Meredith.

The question that should be

keeping you awake at night is,

what am I prepared to do to get it?

Don't worry.

I've got a whole new way into Nick Sax.

Mary! Where's Mary?

Mary, oh, look at this
wonderful, old, drafty house.

Mary!

Oh, George.

Are you real?

You have no idea what's happened to me.

You have no idea what happened.

Thanks, hon.

So...

ready for that talk?

I don't wanna talk.

You don't wanna talk?

You promised.

I asked you, and you promised.

How about this?

You don't have to say anything at all.

I just need to ask you a question.

What if we were to...

add another stocking to the mantle?

Well, Amanda, that is a wonderful idea.

Let's bring an innocent child into this

wonderful, wonderful world.

Filled with wonderful,
wonderful people...

Wonderful sights,

wonderful sounds.

Our little, perfect family...

You, me, and our bundle of bones

and flesh...

and blood.

I mean, why not have a child?

What's the worst thing that can happen?

Winds up like me?

To my big brother, George.

The richest man in town.

Ugh.

Ah?

That's funny.

You look just like your picture.

Nick, Nick, are you all right?

What happened? Oh, no. No. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Huh?

I can see you.