Happy! (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Saint Nick - full transcript

Hey, there, pretty.

What just happened in there

is what you young
people refer to as epic.

God damn, Sax. You
wreck my porcelain again?

Maybe.

You want to guess from which end?

You're costing me business, Sax.

Costing you business?

I'm single-handedly keeping
this shithole in the black.

You're gonna miss me
when I'm gone, Terrance.

Not vodka!



I give up. What is it?

Quit your bitching.

I could dissolve a body in this shit.

Goddamn Christmas
miracle I'm still alive.

Saving yourself for
some lucky girl, I guess.

Well, ho, ho, ho.

What's Santa got for me tonight?

Please, just take it.

Well, that's interesting.

Gonna be a busy holiday season

for you and me both, by the looks of it.

Don't know nothing about it, Satan.

All right, well, you
have yourself a merry...

Fuck it.



Sockatoo is my favorite.

No, Baballoon.

No, Sockatoo.

I thought you liked the pink one.

She's the sick Wishee. You
can tell from her spots.

Ooh, right.

And what about Happy? Which
one's Happy's favorite?

Happy doesn't have a favorite.

He doesn't like Wishees. Do you, Happy?

He thinks they're weirdos.

We got to go. We're gonna be late!

And now, it's the moment
you've all been waiting for.

They call him the man who made Christmas

for thousands of
underprivileged children...

Come on, Mom. It's starting!

Come on!

He's the man that makes the sun shine...

Sonny Shine!

Sonny Shine!

Not just one wish...

- Not just two!
- Not just two wishes...

- but three wishes!
- You get three wishes!

Everyone over here say "Wishees!"

- Wishees!
- You say "Wishees!"

- You say "Wishees!"
- I can't see!

Ha ha! Why walk when you can dance?

I can't see!

I'm sorry.

Let's get closer!

Ew!

Haley?

Haley!

Haley! Haley! Haley!

Don't worry, Happy. We'll go back.

There were too many
people! I couldn't see!

But I only want one wish!

That's not true. Don't be mean.

Mr. Sunshine! I only need one wish!

What do you mean "run away"?

From who?

Here they come!

Haley!

Haley!

Haley!

Yo, get a load of this snowflake, huh?

Little bitch changed up
his look since then, right?

- Easy money.
- No. This is not easy money.

Dude, chill.

Three Scaramuccis against

one "Bum Fights" -looking motherfucker.

All right, we're gonna
drop him like a hot deuce.

You never seen Sax doing work. I did.

What I can't figure
out is why Uncle Blue

would want to whack this guy.

Maybe he knows too much.

- Whoa, Mikey!
- Look who it is!

Oh, my God, look at you.

Welcome home, little bro.

Ain't no one knew you was back!

Yeah, I left straight from the funeral.

Hey, guys. Moment of silence
for Don Scaramucci, huh?

God rest his soul.

And to think our little Michelangelo

sitting right by the bedside
as the great man peaced out.

Mwah!

Yeah.

Looks like the four Smootchie Bros

are gonna kick some ass tonight.

Hey, take a look at
this job we just got.

Oh, count me out.

I got something for Uncle
Blue straight from the Don.

- It can't wait.
- What do you got, Mikey?

Yeah, bro. Fuck that.

A little ballistic therapy first,

then go kiss the ring.

All right? Uncle Freaky
ain't going no place.

Hey! Watch your mouth, dumbass.

You kidding me?

The Don's dead, so all of a
sudden, we're just supposed...

For Christ's sake, I
ain't even unpacked yet.

What's up, little Mike?

You afraid of getting blood

on your Dolce & Ga-fucking-bbana?

So it turns out they
did some research...

Statistical shit...

Listen, dude, could you hurry it up?

I have an 11:00, supposed
to be here any minute.

They proved that hookers...
See, hookers like you...

Who work the holidays,
you share an economic niche

with the department store Santa Claus!

It's the time of giving.

Empty 'em. Empty 'em!

Empty my big shiny Christmas balls!

Now here's something
you don't see every day.

I'm your 11:00. Sorry, am I early?

Oh, shit.

Well, that's novel.

Cockroach?

Prawn. It's like a shrimp.

Um, please don't... Please...

You need to relax.

If I'd showed up on time,

that hammer would be
halfway through your skull.

That's the last weirdo. I swear to God.

Now's not the time to be
making big decisions. Here.

Hey. Hey, I know you.

I don't think so.

Yeah, you're a... You're a cop, right?

You busted me back in the day.
You... you were a real gentleman.

Didn't make a pass or anything.

You told me to get on a bus and go home,

get my act together.

You inspired me.

- I can see that.
- Yeah, well...

You don't look like a cop
no more. What happened?

Yeah, I'd be tickled to death

to have that conversation
with you right now,

but I'd prefer to talk about
how you're gonna pay me back.

Talk to me, bro. What's eating you?

Hmm?

- Huh?
- I know you.

This ain't Disco Mikey.

I saw your Snapchat...
The chicks, the wine.

You must have had the time
of your life out there, huh?

Sure. Best ever.

You guys probably think I got some kind

of big inheritance lined up.

The Old Don hooked me up real good

before he kicked it, right?

What are you saying? It ain't true?

Don Scaramucci loved you like a son,

picked you out of everybody
in the whole family.

He left me something, all right.

But not money.

- This is the place.
- Yo, what's the play, bro?

All right, I got high-specificity intel.

We're gonna catch this asshole
literally with his pants down.

Let me out!

Huh?

Now, now, now's your
chance! Go, go, go, go!

Don't worry, Haley! I'll find him!

What did I tell you, huh?

Holy shit.

Ah, Mike. It's nothing, right?

Not a fucking tough guy anymore, Sax.

Who's this?

Pal "Swipes" Scaramucci?

No you ain't, that's me.

Oh, boy, and they told me
you were the smart one.

All right, then, genius,
see if you can follow this.

Right now you're talking
to the man who was hired

to kill the Scaramucci Brothers.

Now, full confession...
I am one lazy bastard.

So the problem is,

how do I get all you squirrely
assholes together in one place?

Solution... I call in a hit

on that handsome son
of a bitch Nick Sax.

Oh, shit.

I gather you all together
in one place, lined up.

Like a turkey shoot!

That's funny. I contracted for three.

Wait a minute. You're
the baby brother, right?

Look at you... all grown up,

hands shaking, asshole flapping.

You...

Yeah, I killed your
brothers, that's right.

It's awkward.

Oh, that sucked.

- Say bye-bye.
- Wait, wait, wait!

Whatever you're getting paid,

I've got something that's worth more.

I'm listening.

It's a password.

- I just stopped listening.
- From the old Don in Sicily.

Before he died, he gave me a
password to an encrypted file.

It's... it's a list of
names. It's priceless.

Yeah, I don't do priceless.

I'm more of a cash-and-carry kind of guy.

Besides, it sounds like I'd
be tortured and killed for it

by any number of
interested parties, so...

I mean, while you're at it,

why don't you just offer me ass cancer?

Please. Please.

All right, look, you're in a
sharing kind of mood. I get it.

So just tell it to your brothers.

You're shot!

Yeah, but it's the
heart attack I just had

that's really got my attention.

I got to join a spin
class, eat more kale.

What the...

Perfect.

Hey. Hey, hey, mister!
What about my money?

Mama.

Please, I've been as good
as I can. Forgive me, Mama.

Kid, if I remind you of your
mama, you got bigger problems

than a hole in your head.

If you just hear my confession,

I can move on, Mama.

Confession? Yeah, sure. Go
ahead. Knock yourself out.

Mama, the world... It's run by devils.

They... they look like
people, but they're devils.

Great-Grandpa, he showed me things...

Things I wish I never saw.

I got to tell it to you, Mama,

so that I won't have it in me anymore.

And then I can be free.

All right, look, I
already told you once, pal.

Now I'm gonna tell you
again. I'm not interested.

That was easy.

Okay.

All right, Nick.

All right, you're fine.

You're fine.

You're fine.

- Looks dead to me.
- Less paperwork if he's dead.

Oh, shit!

Don't move, sir, don't move!

What the hell is this?

Put your guns back in your pants.

Jesus.

He's breathing. What about this one?

45 exit wound and a BASE jump

from the third floor.

Muchos muertos.

Disco Mikey Mooch.

I haven't seen him around in a while.

Any witnesses?

Must have been one hell
of a Christmas party.

Big guy down there... He do this?

I don't know what the little guy said.

I didn't hear anything.

What exactly is it you did in here?

Look, the guy with the nice
coat... he, um, went all random,

started talking about
a password or something.

Password?

You sure about that?

I guess you didn't happen
to hear what it was.

Like I said, he just sort
of whispered it, and then...

Listen, I've been traumatized.
Don't I get counseling or something?

He didn't mention this password

to anyone else, right... Just big guy?

Like I told you...

Lady, I got every kind of thing

that can come out of a guy all over me.

Can I please get out of here?

Hey...

Hey! Make sure you keep him alive,

or I promise you, it's your balls.

Hey, what about me,
huh? I've been violated!

Take her home. No stops along the way.

What do you want?

Detective, ma'am, look,
the guy's been shot.

He's had a heart attack,
maybe two heart attacks.

- The chances he makes it...
- He'll live.

He always does.

So many lights, so many people.

I'll never find him.

Yes, you will! Because you have to!

Where is he? Where is he?

Excuse me, can you help me?

Of course not. He can't even see me.

Jeez, I thought I was having a bad day.

Okay, you two look busy.

Can you see me?

Yerks!

Whoa! There must be an
easier way to order a drink!

I think you're going the wrong way!

Hey, watch it, pal!

Whoa, looks like someone's got a lot

of Christmas cards to deliver!

He's close, Haley. I can feel it.

Actually, I can smell it.

He's got a vest!

What the...

Clear! Three, two, one!

It's like cooking a steak!

Give him another!

Three, two, one!

She said if we lose him, it's our balls.

Do you think she meant
that literally or like...

Like a figure of speech or something?

We're not gonna lose him!

- Huh?
- Pure adrenaline.

I got to admit, I've
always wanted to do this.

Morphine! 20 migs stat!

Whoo!

Aaah!

Oh, that's warm.

Nitroglycerin!

34 migs. Ah...

Oh, yeah.

That's it.

Hey, mister! Come on, snap out of it!

Whoa! You can see me!

What the hell?

Yeah, you ain't quite
what I expected either.

I guess we get what we get,
and we don't get upset, right?

Oh, boy. Well, here goes nothing.

I'm Happy!

♪ The happy horse, horse, horse ♪

♪ So full of fun, of course, of course ♪

♪ It's plain to see it's fun to be Happy ♪

♪ The happy horse, horse, horse ♪

♪ So full of love, of course, of course ♪

♪ It's time to be carefree,
so come with me, Happy! ♪

Here it comes!

Here comes the fun! Are you ready?

- I'm ready!
- Here it comes!

♪ Clippety-clop, flippety-flop ♪

♪ We got no time to mope and mop ♪

♪ Let's ride the magic rainbow ♪

♪ Right to the tippy,
tippy, tippy, tippy... ♪

Stop!

I'm hallucinating. Nitro.

Go away. Ah...

But... but I-I got stuff to tell you!

Mucho important stuff!

Shh.

I don't talk to pink elephants.

What, are you color
blind? I ain't pink, pal.

And elephants have trunks!
Do you see any luggage?

Kill this thing any way you can.

- They can't see me.
- What... I...

Only you can see me.

- Ah...
- Aah!

- Aah.
- Ah...

Look, asshole, I'm gonna take a nap now.

When I wake up, I want you to...

No, no, don't go. Not
yet! Haley needs us!

Well, usually you're a great source

of information, but this time

I'm afraid you're mistaken.

My favorite nephew, he's
currently en route from Italy.

Maybe he was yesterday.

Right now he's in the county morgue.

And Nick Sax has got
his fat, grubby fingers

on my password.

Meredith! Your father's on the TV again!

That evil bastard is so handsome.

You know, I can tell
you're real broken up

about losing four nephews
in one night, Blue.

Maybe I should give you
a little time to process.

How very compassionate of
you, Detective McCarthy...

and during the holiday season.

Gerry.

Gerry, pay attention
to Whiskers, please.

Scratch him.

It's the antlers, dear. He hates them.

Sax should be at General.

I will be there when he wakes
up and have a little chat.

And I hope that conversation
goes very, very well.

The thought that that swollen
troglodyte might actually die

before I get what I need out of him...

Well, I'm sure you understand.

It won't be you that I
come to vent my spleen on.

How is your ma? Silly, fragile old thing.

She been taking her medication?

My daughter doesn't care. She
doesn't give a damn about...

She...

Meredith?

- Meredith?
- He'll talk.

There's something you're
not telling me, Blue.

I mean, first, the old Don dies

on the other side of the world.

Then 24 hours later,

there's four dead
Scaramuccis in Brooklyn.

What's going on out there?

Tell your ma I said she has
to start taking her pills.

I can see where you get
your stubborn streak.

Gerry, little angel.

Yes, Papa?

I don't want to tell you again.

If Whiskers won't stop scratching,

I'm gonna have to put him on the fire.

And that'll be four dogs we've
gone through in one year...

Socks, J. Edgar Woofer,
Professor Buttons,

and now... and now Whiskers.

So, please, little...

Smoothie. Happy holidays.

And a happy holidays to you, Mr. Blue.

39 inches, 47 pounds,
blood type O negative.

This backpack she had
on... What color was it?

I told you. Pink.

Pink, right, right.

Would you say, like,
Pepto or more of a pastel?

It was pink. Pink pink,
with Wishees all over it.

Wishees. Kids love
that shit, don't they?

I printed her myself two years ago.

Printed her? And the father?

It's just me and my daughter.

Got everything we need

to start the investigation on Ashley.

Haley!

Haley Hansen.

I want to speak to Captain Rollins.

Rollins?

And if he's not here, Burns.
Tell him it's Amanda Hansen.

Listen, I know this is tough.

But we're on it.

Go home. Get some sleep if you can.

And I have someone you
can talk to in the morning.

I died.

I did it.

I really did it.

And I'm in hell.

Not one wish, not two
wishes, but three...

You should be so lucky.

- Oh, I bet that feels good, huh?
- Eh, nothing.

Massive cardiac arrest.

Point-blank bullet impact, upper torso.

I've had hangovers worse than this.

- I'm an invalid.
- What?

I'm an invalid. Open up a window.

Window!

It's against the law
to smoke in a hospital.

You know that, don't you?

Get it in gear. Open
up a window, will you?

Not that window. No, no, no! No, no, no!

Close! Close it!

Lucky for me, she opened that window.

I was about to turn into
a blueberry horse-sicle!

Excuse me.

I'm pretty sure I told you to fuck off.

Oh, you did... a few times.

Not you.

TV's off, Nick.

Yeah, I know.

Meredith...

what are you here for?

Nick Sax.

Hard to believe this piece
of shit in front of me

used to be the best detective
in the whole department.

Yeah, well, I was a real hero.

You were mine.

Wife of yours was smart
to get out when she did.

Come on, you didn't come here
to go there. Don't go there.

Boy, she's a regular Good Time Pam.

Shut up!

There's something wrong with you.

You have no idea.

Why couldn't you have just
left me out in the street?

Why do you think you're here?

- Here?
- Huh?

Yeah, General.

Some pension. Get shot just
going about your business,

and the best thing they
can do is a Mob hospital.

Think I still got some of
your business on my shoe.

You know, I know what
Disco Mikey told you.

You're in deep shit.

You're in deep Bandini,
Nick. That means a bad word.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Mikey gave you a
password meant for Blue.

Dumb kid ran into you before
he had a chance to deliver it.

I think you know what they'll
do to get it out of you.

Unless you tell me first.

Orderly with wheelchair
to second floor...

Password?

Oh! Oh I know! Open sesame!

Seriously?

- Listen to me.
- Go.

I think Blue hired you
to kill his nephews.

Mikey just ended up in the
wrong place at the wrong time.

I think there is a goddamn
underworld civil war brewing,

and you've managed
to land your sorry ass

right in the middle of it.

I think I can still get you out,

but you have to tell me what you know.

What I know?

People suck, I don't pay my income tax,

and I no longer feel
dirty when I touch myself,

but beyond that, it
just seems pretty clear

that whoever knows this alleged password

is as good as dead or worse.

That's about it.

Oh, Meredith, you're
such a pain in the ass.

Ah, look, you deserve better than that.

Thanks for coming. I appreciate that.

And I will tell you this...

get the hell out of here.

- "Comprendo"?
- It's сomprende.

- It's Spanish.
- I know it's Spanish!

Nurse Peduto to outpatient...

All right, then.

It is what it is.

It sure ain't what it ain't!

Oh, about time she left. What a charmer.

Look, I don't want to
speak out of school, Nick,

but I think she might
have a thing for you!

Wait a minute, were you two...

Oh, I'm gonna lose my lunch.

It's the oxycodone.

Pull it together, Sax.

You're hallucinating. That's bad.

It's some kind of reaction.

Who are you talking to, Nick?

You know, I used to know a
guy who would talk to himself,

and he ended up in a funny farm.

He's like cuckoo, you know?

Cuckoo!

So... you're some kind of manifestation

of my subconscious, right?

Yeah, you lost me at "so..."

Something about a submarine sandwich?

Breathe, breathe.

Okay, breathe.

Five, four, three, two...

one.

This is no time for
hide-and-seek, Nick...

Even though I love it.

Besides, peeking is cheating.

- You're not real.
- Of course not.

I'm an imaginary friend.

My imagination is very limited.

It usually involves
inflicting pain in ways

that may not have occurred to most.

You're funny, Nick.

But I ain't your imaginary friend.

I don't even want to think

about what that would look like.

I'm Haley's imaginary friend!

- Right.
- Haley's a little girl, Nick.

The sweetest, most adorable
little girl in the whole world,

but... but she's in real bad trouble,

and you're the only one
that can help me save her!

No exit this way, Nick.

Jesus, that was a bad one.
Damn pills are gonna kill me.

All right. We got company, Nick.

- And he's back!
- Some real creepazoids!

Hey, if you want to be useful,

why don't you tell me
how many I'm dealing with?

Okay, it's one, two,
three, four, uh, five.

- Are you sure about that?
- Uh-huh.

So five. I've done five. I can do five.

Here they come, here
they come, here they come!

Uh-oh.

Ticktock, time to rock.

Oh, that's not gonna do.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hold on.

That's better.

Whoo.

- Some help you turned out to be.
- No offense, buddy,

but I don't see how
we're gonna save Haley

if you keep fainting at
the first sign of trouble!

- Why are you whispering?
- Tut tut.

Okay.

Drug-induced dementia is a luxury

that you will no longer get to enjoy.

I am going to need your
complete focus and attention.

Smoothie?

Clearly, my reputation precedes me.

Well, I heard you like
to get pee-peed on,

if that's what you mean.

Thanks for the cosign.

Hey, there's nothing
wrong with it, no shame.

I hear a lot of people
are into that thing.

Aah! Scat video!

I beg your pardon?

Nothing? What?

Look, asshole, let's get this over with.

You want Disco Mikey's password.

Oh, I'll get that. Believe me.

Yeah, of course you will.

I'm a tough nut, but
you'll crack it, all right.

Why don't we just cut out the middleman

and just get down to it, huh?

I'll spill the beans.

I got no illusions that
it'll buy me a quick death,

but I mean, what the hell?

We all got places to go, people to meet.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Yeah, so the kid is sitting
there, lying in my arms...

sour smell of homemade
lasagna on his breath

as he presses his cold,
clammy lips to my ear,

and he...

He whispers it to me...

right before he croaks.

I'll never forget the words he utters.

He says...

"Tinkle, tinkle."

Oh, I am going to get the words.

Believe me.

But I am going to take my time.

I'm going to set an example with you.

Do you want to know why? Not really.

Because I am a professional.

I take pride in my work.

I approach my assignments

with precision, discipline,

and respect for my employers.

You see, Sax, your reputation
precedes you as well.

Mm?

You seem to look at each new job

as an opportunity to fulfill

some half-acknowledged death wish.

You just don't get it, do you, Smoothie?

My life is an ever-swirling
toilet that just won't flush.

I don't think I can die.

We'll see.

Music, please.

Wow. Was that as creepy as I felt?

Creepy, right?

I am going to remove your penis

in thin slices...

like salami...

just for starters.

That's gonna take you a long time...

if you know what I mean.

He knows what I mean.

Oh, I don't think I can watch.

Come on, Nick, do something!

Well, you know, after a while,

it just gets harder and harder

to find a reason to keep on going.

There's two kinds of people
in this godforsaken world,

you worthless little maggot!

Which kind do you want to be...

A good apple or a road apple?

Oops! I pooped.

Oh, for Christ sakes.

Yeah, okay, well, I
think you made your point.

So can we go back to saving Haley?

Oh, is he going to be okay?

No, he is not gonna be okay.

Hey, there.

Didn't see you.

Uh-huh.

Oh, come on.

Ah. Oh, yeah, papi.

You like that?

Ahh.

I can explain.

No, shoot to wound, man.
Blue wants him alive.

Well, that's interesting.

We'll tango later there, angry eyes.

Gentlemen.

Let's go this way!

- Get him!
- No, let's not go that way.

Back off, or the horse gets it!

On to the stairway!

Follow me!

Hold it!

I'm actually really good at this.

Nice jacket.

I'm Dr....

And I need some...

Rough day. What are you staring at?

Tough tonsillectomy!

Kid'll pull through,
though. I need coffee.

Ahh.

Better?

Actually, yeah.

Then let's go save Haley! Come on!

Physical therapy, fifth floor!

Get out of the way!

Yerks! More bad guys coming, Nick!

I need less bad guys and
more good news out of you.

We're in a family-sized
jar of pickles, Nick.

I have no idea what that means.

What the heck, Nick?
There's no elevator!

And you can't fly! Can you?

Third floor.

Oh, yeah. You got the loco eyes, buddy.

You know what? You
can't help me save Haley

if you're dead-zaroni!

Yeah, and about this Haley
you keep yammering on about...

to hell with her, and while
you're at it, to hell with you.

Come on, don't do that.

How'd you know there were five?

Huh?

Back in my room. The
creepazoids coming for me.

You're a manifestation, but...

How'd you know there were five?

Yerk!

Whoo-hoo! Are we the best team or what?

Ha ha!

Oh, hey, Merry.

- Nick.
- Yerks!

Can I borrow your car?

Son of a bitch.

Go!

Where we going, Nick,
huh? Where we going, huh?

We? We ain't going nowhere.

You heard that nice lady back there.

I signed my own death warrant
when I iced Disco Mikey.

Every scumbag in the city
will be looking for me

if they're not already.

- Eh, I mean, yeah, but...
- Yeah, but nothing.

I'm getting the hell out of Dodge.

Quit your tap dancing.
You're ruining the dashboard.

I didn't want to tell you, Nick.

So then don't.

I was afraid of scaring you away.

After all, you left her once before.

Maybe you just don't want to be a daddy.

What are you yammering on about?

Why do you think I picked you, Nick?

I don't know. Lucky, I guess.

You can say that again.

Nick, Haley is your daughter.

♪ Toy land, toy land ♪

♪ Little girl and boy land ♪

Happy? Happy?