Hamster & Gretel (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 20 - Episode #1.20 - full transcript
DAVE: 150 feet
of fiberglass heaven.
And we can't go on it
because our kids
are out having fun somewhere.
I have a plan.
You go left,
I go right,
the one who survives
gets to go on the fancy side.
Wait. One of us
doesn't survive?
Do you want to ride
on the side or not?
This doesn't make any sense.
Why would the aliens
abduct Gretel?
They gave you guys
these powers for good.
(STAMMERS)
We got to find her.
And I don't even know
where to start looking.
What are you doing?
Eating my feelings.
Without her, I'm just
Hamster and nothing.
I guess I'm nothing.
Not everything
is about you, dude.
Look, we just need a plan.
The aliens burned a message
in the ground.
I took a pic.
Maybe it can tell us something.
J3 Hound plus sit.
Maybe one of your
super powers
can help us figure out
what this means?
I'm a talking hamster.
Is that not enough for you?
Oh! I'll call Fred.
She's great at
this kind of stuff.
Hello?
Aliens? Anyone home?
I think you just accidentally
terrorized Las Vegas
and abducted me.
I don't have time for this.
(GRUNTING)
No, no, no, no, no!
My superpowers,
they're gone.
(ALIENS LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Okay, I've run
J3 Hound plus sit
through all my search engines,
and all I'm getting
is cute dog pics.
It's got to be some
kind of clue, right?
Ransom instructions, directions?
Ooh, J3,
maybe it's map coordinates.
(GASPS) Where?
(GASPS) Where?
That's a strip mall.
Looks like a shawarma place.
A dog obedience school.
That can't be a coincidence.
It says, "Hound plus sit."
Hound, sit.
Hound, sit.
Is anything happening?
Sir, I'm going to have to
ask you to leave.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to find my sister.
And this was the only clue.
"J3 Hound plus sit."
You're J3 on the map.
So I...
What the heck is Fistpuncher?
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Fistpuncher.
Your hamster can talk?
I can teach him not to.
Fistpuncher
and The Destructress.
You guys are the aliens?
Oh, that would be so cool.
No, it's just us.
We broke into Area 51
and took this ship.
And they had that weird rock
you're sitting on.
It saps your powers
when you're near it,
so you'll be powerless
to stop us
from destroying
the Las Vegas Dam.
Hashtag villain girls.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, no! I'm a Kevin!
FRED: Yep, it's Fistpuncher
and The Destructress.
They're all over
their socials,
bragging about
hijacking a flying saucer.
I found the ship.
Sending you coordinates now.
(LIFEGUARD WHISTLING)
(SLIDEZILLA GROWLING)
If anyone asks, we're
just tall for our age.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Sorry, kids, the ride is
temporarily closed for cleaning.
- KIDS: Boo!
- Why?
You should never ask why
they're cleaning a kids pool.
Trust me.
You were right, Fred.
There it is.
Okay, suit up,
Armor Suit Guy.
(GASPS) Really?
GRETEL: Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Why is it called
a murder of crows?
Why do doves cry?
Is sand called sand because
it's between the sea and the land?
I'm bored.
I'm thirsty. I'm hungry.
What's a chive?
Why is it called a zoo?
Oh, how can you
be so annoying?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ I'm a little sister ♪
♪ I'll tell you missed it ♪
♪ That I'm not that easy
To destroy ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a little sister ♪
♪ You can try to resist her ♪
♪ But every little sister
Has the power to annoy ♪
♪ My tummy's grumbling ♪
♪ Can you make me A
sandwich, please? ♪ ♪ No ♪
♪ No tomato
Lots of turkey ♪
♪ Also, plenty of cheese ♪
♪ No! ♪
♪ Cut off the crust
If you can manage ♪
♪ No, no ♪ ♪ I really
want a sandwich I'm hungry ♪
♪ I don't care ♪ ♪ I'll
just keep asking I swear ♪
♪ I'll make you a sandwich
If it'll shut you up ♪
♪ And tomato soup, please ♪
♪ In a little plastic cup ♪
♪ Don't push it ♪
♪ And don't take too long
Hey, I just wrote this song ♪
♪ I'm a lemur and I love it
And I'm standing on my toes ♪
♪ Stop! Stop it! ♪
♪ Stop! Stop it! ♪
♪ Stop repeating ♪
♪ Stop repeating ♪
♪ I'm an idiot ♪
♪ You're an idiot ♪
♪ Hey, that's cheating ♪
♪ I'm a lemur and I love it ♪
♪ And I'm standing
On my toes ♪
♪ I'm a lemur and I love it
And I'm standing on my toes ♪
♪ My head's spinning ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, I'm winning ♪
(WHIRRING)
FRED: Kevin,
you can do this.
Now, get up there and
bring our Gretel-beans back.
Armor Suit Guy returns!
(GRUNTING)
Okay, but I'm not sure
how this suit is gonna...
Oh! (SCREAMING)
Oh, yeah!
Woo! This is what it's like
to be a superhero.
It's amazing.
I wish this moment
would last for... Ow!
I said no crust!
(CLANGING)
My face, man. Ow!
Gretel!
Of course,
Hamster and...
Wait, Who are you?
They call me...
(GRUNTS)
Armor Suit Guy!
Kevin!
Or Kevin.
Now, let Gretel go!
Not so fast, bud.
(GROANS)
It's a big see-through door.
You've been doored.
(GRUNTING)
KEVIN: Why are
you guys doing this?
Why would you use
the powers that you got
that not everybody gets,
I might add,
why would you use them for
evil? (HAMSTER GRUNTING)
Because they told us to.
Duh!
Wait. (GRUNTS)
Who told you?
The aliens.
They hovered over us
in a ship
just like this one...
And specifically said to use
these powers for evil. So we did.
What?
B-T-doubs, just give up.
That door is unbreakable.
(SCREAMING)
Come on, Hamster.
Alien door power!
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
Kevin, get me out of here!
(GRUNTS) Huh?
(SCREAMING)
Kevin!
(SCREAMING)
Oh, no.
Help me, Kevin!
It's okay. I prepared
for this exact moment.
Yes!
(GRETEL SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
Kevin!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Ah! Whoa!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Gretel! Ow!
Save us, Gretel.
I can't. That weird rock sucked
up all my powers. Use your suit.
My suit's only power
is to be heavy.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Fight sequence!
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
When are you
gonna rescue me?
This is the rescue.
What does it look like
I'm doing?
Falling.
(BOTH SCREAMING IN PANIC)
Okay, we're still falling.
Now, we're just falling
inside the ship.
Can you fix it? Can
you fix it? (GRUNTING)
You repeating that, it's not
going to make me... Can you fix it?
Wait, this is just
like the minivan.
(GRUNTS) I can fix it!
(GROANS)
How about combo?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(HAMSTER GROANS)
FISTPUNCHER: Hamster,
we know you're in there.
Hey! Wait!
We were trying
to beat you up.
We just gotta
level it out.
Hurry, Kevin.
Let's try this.
Okay. I don't know
what that is.
(BEEPS)
All right, we got
instructions. Hurry!
Moving back on
the steering wheel!
(GRUNTING)
Now punch it!
(SPACESHIP WHIRRING)
(KEVIN, GRETEL SCREAMING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
We're safe!
Yeah!
I can't believe that worked.
Yes!
Dam!
Gretel, language!
No! We're gonna
hit the dam.
KEVIN: Oh!
Uh, no breaks.
We're gonna have to ditch it.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
You did it!
Driving things
that are like my minivan.
That's a superpower.
No, Kevin.
Being here when I need you.
That's your superpower.
Aw. Thanks.
(RUMBLING)
(CRACKING)
Dam!
Gretel, run!
(GRUNTS)
You're going down, gerbil.
THE DESTRUCTRESS:
That's not Hamster.
That's a hacky sack
with googly eyes.
Then where is he?
Go fish.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
KEVIN:
Keep running, Gretel.
Faster!
Your legs are longer
than mine.
Kevin, I've got
powers again.
See you in bit.
Yeah!
Go, Gretel, go!
No!
Gretel, come back!
What about me?
(INHALES)
GRETEL: Kevin!
Duck!
Whoa!
(GROWLING)
Yeah!
Huh?
Oh, no.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
And then
we finally made it.
But the entire slide
was gone.
How was your day?
Any excitement?
Not as exciting as breaking
the hotel pool policy.
But we had fun.
I was annoying
and he fixed stuff.
The usual.
I'm going to go
get another plate.
There's a tres leches
over there with my name on it.
That must have been hard,
not having your powers.
Not as hard as
it's been for you.
I'm sorry I didn't
get that before.
It's okay.
Being the big brother
who saves the day
is starting to feel
pretty good.
So if the aliens gave Fistpuncher
and The Destructress
their powers
and told them to be evil...
Are the aliens evil, or are
they just messing with us?
Are we caught up
in some kind of
nefarious intergalactic
alien game?
What in the world
is happening?
Seriously, Hamster.
Do you have to chew so loud?
(MUNCHING LOUDLY)
Again, talking hamster.
Cut me some slack.
And what was with
that weird rock?
MALE ALIEN: That weird rock
was a nice touch.
FEMALE ALIEN: Thank you.
I found it in a catalogue.
MALE ALIEN: Excellent.
It's all coming together.
(BOTH LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
MALE ALIEN:
Why... Why are we laughing?
FEMALE ALIEN: I don't know.
(LAUGHING)
THEME MUSIC PLAYING...
♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪
♪ It's Hamster ♪
♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪
♪ It's Hamster
Hamster, Hamster ♪
♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪
♪ If they can do it
Then nobody can ♪
♪ Hamster, Hamster, Hamster ♪
♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪
♪ There's also Kevin
In the minivan ♪
of fiberglass heaven.
And we can't go on it
because our kids
are out having fun somewhere.
I have a plan.
You go left,
I go right,
the one who survives
gets to go on the fancy side.
Wait. One of us
doesn't survive?
Do you want to ride
on the side or not?
This doesn't make any sense.
Why would the aliens
abduct Gretel?
They gave you guys
these powers for good.
(STAMMERS)
We got to find her.
And I don't even know
where to start looking.
What are you doing?
Eating my feelings.
Without her, I'm just
Hamster and nothing.
I guess I'm nothing.
Not everything
is about you, dude.
Look, we just need a plan.
The aliens burned a message
in the ground.
I took a pic.
Maybe it can tell us something.
J3 Hound plus sit.
Maybe one of your
super powers
can help us figure out
what this means?
I'm a talking hamster.
Is that not enough for you?
Oh! I'll call Fred.
She's great at
this kind of stuff.
Hello?
Aliens? Anyone home?
I think you just accidentally
terrorized Las Vegas
and abducted me.
I don't have time for this.
(GRUNTING)
No, no, no, no, no!
My superpowers,
they're gone.
(ALIENS LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Okay, I've run
J3 Hound plus sit
through all my search engines,
and all I'm getting
is cute dog pics.
It's got to be some
kind of clue, right?
Ransom instructions, directions?
Ooh, J3,
maybe it's map coordinates.
(GASPS) Where?
(GASPS) Where?
That's a strip mall.
Looks like a shawarma place.
A dog obedience school.
That can't be a coincidence.
It says, "Hound plus sit."
Hound, sit.
Hound, sit.
Is anything happening?
Sir, I'm going to have to
ask you to leave.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to find my sister.
And this was the only clue.
"J3 Hound plus sit."
You're J3 on the map.
So I...
What the heck is Fistpuncher?
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Fistpuncher.
Your hamster can talk?
I can teach him not to.
Fistpuncher
and The Destructress.
You guys are the aliens?
Oh, that would be so cool.
No, it's just us.
We broke into Area 51
and took this ship.
And they had that weird rock
you're sitting on.
It saps your powers
when you're near it,
so you'll be powerless
to stop us
from destroying
the Las Vegas Dam.
Hashtag villain girls.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, no! I'm a Kevin!
FRED: Yep, it's Fistpuncher
and The Destructress.
They're all over
their socials,
bragging about
hijacking a flying saucer.
I found the ship.
Sending you coordinates now.
(LIFEGUARD WHISTLING)
(SLIDEZILLA GROWLING)
If anyone asks, we're
just tall for our age.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Sorry, kids, the ride is
temporarily closed for cleaning.
- KIDS: Boo!
- Why?
You should never ask why
they're cleaning a kids pool.
Trust me.
You were right, Fred.
There it is.
Okay, suit up,
Armor Suit Guy.
(GASPS) Really?
GRETEL: Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Why is it called
a murder of crows?
Why do doves cry?
Is sand called sand because
it's between the sea and the land?
I'm bored.
I'm thirsty. I'm hungry.
What's a chive?
Why is it called a zoo?
Oh, how can you
be so annoying?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ I'm a little sister ♪
♪ I'll tell you missed it ♪
♪ That I'm not that easy
To destroy ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a little sister ♪
♪ You can try to resist her ♪
♪ But every little sister
Has the power to annoy ♪
♪ My tummy's grumbling ♪
♪ Can you make me A
sandwich, please? ♪ ♪ No ♪
♪ No tomato
Lots of turkey ♪
♪ Also, plenty of cheese ♪
♪ No! ♪
♪ Cut off the crust
If you can manage ♪
♪ No, no ♪ ♪ I really
want a sandwich I'm hungry ♪
♪ I don't care ♪ ♪ I'll
just keep asking I swear ♪
♪ I'll make you a sandwich
If it'll shut you up ♪
♪ And tomato soup, please ♪
♪ In a little plastic cup ♪
♪ Don't push it ♪
♪ And don't take too long
Hey, I just wrote this song ♪
♪ I'm a lemur and I love it
And I'm standing on my toes ♪
♪ Stop! Stop it! ♪
♪ Stop! Stop it! ♪
♪ Stop repeating ♪
♪ Stop repeating ♪
♪ I'm an idiot ♪
♪ You're an idiot ♪
♪ Hey, that's cheating ♪
♪ I'm a lemur and I love it ♪
♪ And I'm standing
On my toes ♪
♪ I'm a lemur and I love it
And I'm standing on my toes ♪
♪ My head's spinning ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, I'm winning ♪
(WHIRRING)
FRED: Kevin,
you can do this.
Now, get up there and
bring our Gretel-beans back.
Armor Suit Guy returns!
(GRUNTING)
Okay, but I'm not sure
how this suit is gonna...
Oh! (SCREAMING)
Oh, yeah!
Woo! This is what it's like
to be a superhero.
It's amazing.
I wish this moment
would last for... Ow!
I said no crust!
(CLANGING)
My face, man. Ow!
Gretel!
Of course,
Hamster and...
Wait, Who are you?
They call me...
(GRUNTS)
Armor Suit Guy!
Kevin!
Or Kevin.
Now, let Gretel go!
Not so fast, bud.
(GROANS)
It's a big see-through door.
You've been doored.
(GRUNTING)
KEVIN: Why are
you guys doing this?
Why would you use
the powers that you got
that not everybody gets,
I might add,
why would you use them for
evil? (HAMSTER GRUNTING)
Because they told us to.
Duh!
Wait. (GRUNTS)
Who told you?
The aliens.
They hovered over us
in a ship
just like this one...
And specifically said to use
these powers for evil. So we did.
What?
B-T-doubs, just give up.
That door is unbreakable.
(SCREAMING)
Come on, Hamster.
Alien door power!
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
Kevin, get me out of here!
(GRUNTS) Huh?
(SCREAMING)
Kevin!
(SCREAMING)
Oh, no.
Help me, Kevin!
It's okay. I prepared
for this exact moment.
Yes!
(GRETEL SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
Kevin!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Ah! Whoa!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Gretel! Ow!
Save us, Gretel.
I can't. That weird rock sucked
up all my powers. Use your suit.
My suit's only power
is to be heavy.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Fight sequence!
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
When are you
gonna rescue me?
This is the rescue.
What does it look like
I'm doing?
Falling.
(BOTH SCREAMING IN PANIC)
Okay, we're still falling.
Now, we're just falling
inside the ship.
Can you fix it? Can
you fix it? (GRUNTING)
You repeating that, it's not
going to make me... Can you fix it?
Wait, this is just
like the minivan.
(GRUNTS) I can fix it!
(GROANS)
How about combo?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(HAMSTER GROANS)
FISTPUNCHER: Hamster,
we know you're in there.
Hey! Wait!
We were trying
to beat you up.
We just gotta
level it out.
Hurry, Kevin.
Let's try this.
Okay. I don't know
what that is.
(BEEPS)
All right, we got
instructions. Hurry!
Moving back on
the steering wheel!
(GRUNTING)
Now punch it!
(SPACESHIP WHIRRING)
(KEVIN, GRETEL SCREAMING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
We're safe!
Yeah!
I can't believe that worked.
Yes!
Dam!
Gretel, language!
No! We're gonna
hit the dam.
KEVIN: Oh!
Uh, no breaks.
We're gonna have to ditch it.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
You did it!
Driving things
that are like my minivan.
That's a superpower.
No, Kevin.
Being here when I need you.
That's your superpower.
Aw. Thanks.
(RUMBLING)
(CRACKING)
Dam!
Gretel, run!
(GRUNTS)
You're going down, gerbil.
THE DESTRUCTRESS:
That's not Hamster.
That's a hacky sack
with googly eyes.
Then where is he?
Go fish.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
KEVIN:
Keep running, Gretel.
Faster!
Your legs are longer
than mine.
Kevin, I've got
powers again.
See you in bit.
Yeah!
Go, Gretel, go!
No!
Gretel, come back!
What about me?
(INHALES)
GRETEL: Kevin!
Duck!
Whoa!
(GROWLING)
Yeah!
Huh?
Oh, no.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
And then
we finally made it.
But the entire slide
was gone.
How was your day?
Any excitement?
Not as exciting as breaking
the hotel pool policy.
But we had fun.
I was annoying
and he fixed stuff.
The usual.
I'm going to go
get another plate.
There's a tres leches
over there with my name on it.
That must have been hard,
not having your powers.
Not as hard as
it's been for you.
I'm sorry I didn't
get that before.
It's okay.
Being the big brother
who saves the day
is starting to feel
pretty good.
So if the aliens gave Fistpuncher
and The Destructress
their powers
and told them to be evil...
Are the aliens evil, or are
they just messing with us?
Are we caught up
in some kind of
nefarious intergalactic
alien game?
What in the world
is happening?
Seriously, Hamster.
Do you have to chew so loud?
(MUNCHING LOUDLY)
Again, talking hamster.
Cut me some slack.
And what was with
that weird rock?
MALE ALIEN: That weird rock
was a nice touch.
FEMALE ALIEN: Thank you.
I found it in a catalogue.
MALE ALIEN: Excellent.
It's all coming together.
(BOTH LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
MALE ALIEN:
Why... Why are we laughing?
FEMALE ALIEN: I don't know.
(LAUGHING)
THEME MUSIC PLAYING...
♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪
♪ It's Hamster ♪
♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪
♪ It's Hamster
Hamster, Hamster ♪
♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪
♪ If they can do it
Then nobody can ♪
♪ Hamster, Hamster, Hamster ♪
♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪
♪ There's also Kevin
In the minivan ♪