Hacks (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
Wow, your phone's really
blowing up.
What's happening?
I'm not getting service.
Oh, my God, what did you do?
Okay, okay.
I can explain.
Drop it!
Drop it!
Barry, drop it.
You know grapes can kill you.
Reach into his mouth.
Reach into his mouth!
Barry, look at Mommy.
Look at Mommy.
Spit it out.
I love that smell!
Jet fuel and melting rubber?
Yup.
Vegas, baby.
- Welcome home.
- Thank you.
Are you headed to
the Shops At Crystals?
No, no,
straight to the house.
You know, you go ahead.
I'm just gonna call a car
and head back to the Palmetto,
I have some stuff to get,
I have a couple calls
to make, so...
No, you're going with me.
We got a lot
of work to do, kiddo.
♪ I just want
to lend an ear ♪
♪ You can run for cover ♪
♪ Oh, but darling,
don't you see ♪
♪ For every smile,
there's a teardrop ♪
♪ And that's just
how it's gonna be ♪
♪ So it went wrong ♪
That was fast.
No, no, it's good.
It's good.
That was the old show.
I'm done with that.
We're gonna work
this new one out on the road
and it's gonna get me
a bigger and better residency.
And the Palmetto
can kiss my ass.
Totally.
You know,
I haven't been this excited
about my material in years.
It's invigorating
when you bomb
and you have
to start from scratch.
It's like when you
clean out your closet
and you buy
a whole new wardrobe.
Can't relate.
I still wear my bras
from the eighth grade.
Now those bras
you should burn.
Oh, put him on speaker.
I need to talk to him.
- Jimmy.
- Are you trying
to put me in the ground?
Uh, you're here... it's me
and Deborah in the car.
Oh, hey, Deborah.
I'm on speaker.
What are you guys doing?
I wanna have a meeting
in 20 to plan this tour.
I'll get Damien and Marcus.
We'll call you back.
Great and Ava,
maybe afterward you can
just give me a quick call,
you can just catch...
Hey, Ben, turn that up.
♪ Until you finally learn ♪
♪ Isn't that the point of it ♪
♪ Is that love
will come again ♪
♪ That's how you start over ♪
♪ That's how
you begin again ♪
Kayla,
we've been over what is
inappropriate behavior
in the past.
I said I'm sorry.
Okay?
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I'm being,
like, arrested for wearing
pajamas on a business trip.
They were not pajamas.
It was silk lingerie.
Okay, the fashion police
is here.
I didn't know I was going
on a trip with Stacy London.
Okay guys, let's be careful
not to police anyone's fashion,
but also, Kayla, it did
make Jimmy uncomfortable.
Look, I'm just not sure
I'm comfortable
with her staying on my desk.
But I don't, like, get that
because he was,
like, my babysitter.
Like, he's changed my diapers.
What are you talking about?
I was not your babysitter.
We were around each other
as kids 'cause our dads
were in business together,
but I never babysat you.
Um, I literally remember you
changing my diaper.
Ew, Kayla! You don't remember
being a baby.
You don't even remember
my lunch order.
Uh, Mendocino Farms
Chinese chicken salad!
Well that's a first!
Kayla, your behavior was
interpreted as a sexual advance
and anything of a sexual nature
is against Latitude's
code of conduct.
Okay, I just think
that it's gonna be hard
because, you know, we work
in the entertainment business.
And every movie or
TV show's about sex.
That is so not true.
Name one movie
that's not about sex.
"Sophie's Choice,"
"Schindler's List,"
"Saving Private Ryan."
Okay, name one movie
that's not about sex or Nazis.
- "Cast Away."
- That's about masturbation.
Okay, Barbara,
help me out here please.
Um, "Babe: Pig In The City."
Oh, my God.
Okay, so on this tour
I wanna do 35 dates
before Christmas.
That means
I think we should start
in the San Francisco Orpheum
and move our way east.
Love that idea,
but I do think a lot
of the larger venues
are likely already booked.
That's fine.
I'll do drop ins.
I'll do whatever it takes.
I mean, I don't expect
this to be a money maker.
It's all about back to basics.
And we need a really good
tour manager, Vinny DeMoan.
Oh, uh, he... died.
Oh.
Did we send flowers?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Well, we gotta get
somebody really good.
Okay, yup. I'll have Kayla
check some avails.
Love it.
Oh, by the way,
put Helen and Marcel
on retainer so that
they're available
when I get the new residency.
So they've already put in
their two weeks' notice.
They're doing makeup
for the Blue Man Group.
Oh.
Well, they probably need less
time in the chair than I do.
Damien, did you check into
that tour bus I sent you?
I did.
Unfortunately,
it's currently
in use by Lil Uzi Vert.
- Lil...
- Uzi Vert.
Okay, look, does anybody
have anything positive to add?
I think this
could be a great time
to repaint the moldings
in the sitting rooms.
Yes.
Thank you, Josefina.
Thank you.
This is good, this is good.
Everybody's busy.
We got lots to do.
Oh, and Marcus, this means
I'm gonna be on the road,
you'll have a lot more time
for your favorite water cop.
So true.
Let's circle back
to the moldings.
- I have a connection at Valspar.
- Ooh.
And I'm thinking
maybe eggshell
- or satin?
- Mm, satin, satin.
Okay.
Hey,
this is Jimmy Lusaque Jr.
Leave a message.
- Hello?
- Hi, Daisy.
It's Ava
from that horrible meeting.
I mean, it started good.
Yeah, I recall.
Okay, so look,
I really shouldn't
have sent you that email.
I mean, my bad.
My bad 10,000, you know?
Anyway, I'm calling
as a friend to say you really
shouldn't use
anything from the email.
I mean, for your own sake.
Deborah can be very litigious,
and I think
she'll come after you is all.
And I just don't think
you want that kind of
a headache
in the first season of a show.
Oh, well that's very
kind of you, but we actually
just forwarded your email
to the studio.
And since you very specifically
ended your note with:
"I officially release my
permission over these stories,"
we're sorted.
Okay, I shouldn't
have sent that.
I was way out of line.
I was just upset
and Deborah had
just slapped me and...
Wait, she slapped you?
- Was that not in the email?
- No.
♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪
- Ah, shit.
- ♪ Jingle all the way ♪
Is that "Jingle Bells?"
Yeah, I'm in Deborah's
Christmas room.
Don't use that.
You know,
I'm gonna do you a favor
and just hang up, yeah?
- Thank you.
- ♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
♪ In a one horse open sleigh ♪
♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
Hi, honey.
You're eating
Josefina's chicken pot pie
and it's 10 a.m.
What's wrong?
No, don't, don't.
Don't psychoanalyze my pot pie,
all right?
Okay, okay.
I just meant that, you know,
the last time you did this was
when Carrot Top ghosted you.
Well,
if he didn't wanna date,
then he should've
had an adult conversation.
I told you to
never date a comedian
and you're
way out of his league.
Yeah, I'm out
of Carrot Top's league.
That's what made
the whole thing so fucked up.
Oh, God, Mom.
You know what?
Look, I didn't wanna
tell you like this,
but I've been doing IVF
because Aidan and I
wanna start a family.
Oh.
It was the second round,
and it didn't
it didn't take,
and I just...
I didn't want Aidan
to see me upset
'cause he's training
for tomorrow's fight.
Okay.
Well, you know,
maybe it's for the best.
I mean, you did
just meet this guy.
This guy?
Aidan is my husband, Mom.
He's a part of our family.
I... I just meant that
in case it didn't work out,
that it would probably be good
not to rush into having a child
in the unlikely event
of a divorce.
You are unbelievable.
You know what?
Forget it.
I'm leaving anyway.
Josefina forgot
the fucking peas
so this pot pie
tastes like shit.
- Hello. Hi!
- Hello.
Here's the script
you wanted, ugly.
Kayla, you don't have
to call me ugly.
What?
Barbara said not to be sexual.
Isn't the opposite
of being sexual
telling you have a fugly face?
No, it's actually bullying.
What do you want me to say?
That during the company
softball game
I saw the full outline
of your wiener
through your mesh shorts,
and it was surprisingly big
for somebody
with such a high voice.
- Happy now, ugly?
- No.
See?
Really high.
Okay, Kayla, just...
can you shut the door, please?
- What?
- No.
I want you to leave
and then shut the door.
Okay!
God, help us all!
Okay, stop yelling.
We're in a corporate
environment.
Ava, I'm on a razor's edge.
Are you alone?
Yeah, I'm hiding out
in Deborah's Christmas room.
Somehow it feels racist in
here, but I can't explain why.
Anyway, look,
I've been thinking
and I think I should
just own up to it
and tell Deborah
about the email.
Highly, highly disagree.
She will kill you
if she finds out and me,
all right?
Do me a favor,
do not do anything.
Okay.
Okay,
I won't do anything further.
But I... I should tell you,
I did call Daisy,
and I made it worse.
Ava, I need you
to take your phone
and I need you to throw it
into the ocean.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Good note, good note.
Listen, I'm trying to get in
touch with Janet Stone, okay?
She represents Daisy and Jesse.
I'm gonna try
and reason with her.
Uh, isn't that the manager
who beat her assistant
with a stapler?
No, three-hole punch.
Much heavier.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, she gives good,
decent reps like me a bad name.
Anyway, I gotta go make
a sexual harassment
situation go away.
Wow, um, okay.
Okay, bye.
[♪ ♪
Seriously, Ray,
you couldn't have just waited
a few days for me to come by
and get my stuff?
Ms. Vance doesn't have
a comped room here anymore,
so we were asked
to clear it out.
But I put all the overflow
in these bags.
Ah, cool.
Everything's nice and loose
in there.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
I had a Cadbury Crème Egg
that I hadn't eaten,
and they're seasonal, so
they're kinda hard to get now.
- Do you remember it?
- Are you serious?
No.
Oh, also you got a package.
- I did?
- Yeah.
- Yo, are those ashes?
- Oh, my God.
Can you give me a sec?
Ava, did you get your dad?
I mean, half of him?
Mom, why the hell did you
send me half of dad's ashes?
Because I'm keeping
the other half.
Okay, and why did you mail
him in a tennis ball tube?
First of all,
I overnighted him.
It was $44
and I'm not going to
pick out an urn for you.
I don't want you
calling me screaming
that the urn
doesn't match your décor.
Since when have I called you
screaming about anything?
Never
because you barely call.
Oh, my God.
I gotta go.
Yup, ashes.
Sorry, my dad just died, so...
I'm sorry for your loss.
My dad passed away
a few years ago
and we cremated him, too.
Although we did put him in,
like, a proper vessel.
- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
If you ever need to talk
or whatever,
I'm always here
except Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Thanks, Ray.
Sure.
Man, all this time
we could've been friends maybe.
Maybe.
I mean, you've always been
pretty entitled and annoying.
I hear that, brother.
A lot, so-
Yeah, cool.
Um, well...
Yeah, let me know
about that egg.
Have you ever tried
a regular meditation practice?
Apparently it can really help
if you have
emotional irregularity.
I don't have
emotional irregularity.
Sure, but I mean,
look, you never know
what could trigger you
at any moment.
Uh-huh.
Josefina!
Yeah, I'm missing
all the local papers.
- Oh, they're not there?
- No.
Weird.
Weird stuff.
I'll check.
Also, there's this book
by Michael Pollan
about how psilocybin,
uh, mushrooms,
can actually rewire your brain
to create new neural pathways.
I mean,
it's the biggest advancement
in altering mood since Prozac.
You know, I've never
said this to anyone in my life,
but I think you need
to read less.
- Okay, I found them.
- Thank you.
No arts section.
Maybe they skipped a week.
They do that sometimes.
Josefina,
I know I bombed my show.
I don't read reviews.
I don't need to see
all the nasty things people
have written about me.
Okay. There's a very good
"Garfield" today.
Sure, I'll check it out.
[♪ ♪
I would just ask that you
remember my boundary please
- and don't open any cabinets.
- Don't open any cabinets.
Look, honey, I just wanted
to come by
and say that I'm sorry
for what I said yesterday.
And I think that you should try
the IVF thing again.
Thank you, but I don't know
if I can handle
the disappointment.
I understand.
My God.
Jesus, this place is a mess.
- What is all this stuff?
- I know.
It's a little cramped,
but that's married life right?
I mean, it's only until
we find a bigger place.
I'm glad to see
you finally got a gun.
Ew, no. I'm, like, anti-gun
or whatever.
This is Aidan's
paintball stuff.
- Mom! Hey!
- Hey.
- Come here. Come on.
- Hi, Aidan.
Oh, I had no idea
that you were coming over.
- Yeah, surprise.
- I gotta head to the gym.
I still got ten pounds to cut
for tomorrow's weigh-in.
- Ten?
- Yeah.
You gotta show me
your technique.
All right, babe.
Muah, I love you.
- Love you.
- Mom, I'll see you soon.
Okay.
I want the "Mom" thing to stop.
I know but he's from Ohio,
so...
And you better be coming
to his fight.
- Oh, I...
- Mom, come on.
You love boxing.
It's not that different.
Yes, it is.
It's a lot more violent
and I don't like seeing
men's bare feet.
Listen, he's finally
in UFC proper.
- It's a huge night for him.
- Exactly, exactly.
That's why the night should be
all about him.
You know what it's like when
I go to one of these events.
They put me up on the jumbotron
and make a big to-do.
I don't want
to steal his thunder.
It's fine.
He doesn't care.
He really wants you there.
It's weird.
He's, like, desperate
for your approval or something.
- Do you like this?
- No.
No, right? Ugh.
Okay, fine. I'll come.
- Really?
- Yes, but he better win.
Oh, no, he's not gonna win.
No, the other guy is a monster.
Do you know
what his nickname is?
The Maim Train.
Oh, well that's not scary.
That's just juvenile.
Well, he's terrifying.
Aidan not getting paralyzed,
that's the win.
- Jesus.
- I know.
People have no idea
what we go through.
- We?
- Yeah, wives of MMA fighters.
His job is combat.
I mean, I'm basically
a military wife.
Every morning he gets up
and goes to work.
And when I wake up
a few hours later,
I don't know if
I'm ever gonna see him again.
[♪ ♪
- Hey.
- Victor, is Wilson home?
No, sorry.
He's out.
Well, actually
I was just here to drop off
some of his stuff, but it's
probably good he's not here.
Better, actually.
Okay, this is half a bag
of granola and a Flonase.
Well, the Flonase
is practically new.
So I figured he might
need it soon.
So I... you know what?
Actually, um...
Don't tell him I was here.
Yeah, I can't give him
half a bag of granola
and a practically new Flonase
without an explanation.
Okay, okay.
Well, tell him I was here
but I was just stopping by
real quickly on my way
to a party.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Actually, tell him...
Tell him that I was
going to the gym.
Or a date.
This is pathetic.
Yeah, but he won't stop
eating my Skinny Cows,
and it's really fucking
annoying,
so I'll tell him
whatever you want.
Okay. A date.
Maybe stick with party.
I feel like that's more fun.
Sure.
Take care, diva.
So after further
investigation
and speaking with legal,
we have determined
that this was
a misunderstanding
and that Kayla
will remain at you desk.
- Yes!
- Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?
Barbara, who did you talk to?
Probably everyone.
This whole office
is always talking about
our will they/won't they.
They won't!
Okay, Kayla, would you mind
stepping out
for a moment, please?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Justice!
Barbara, this is insane.
So I can't discipline Kayla
for reasons
I think you understand.
'Cause her dad's the boss.
Right, but
I could discipline you.
Uh, no thank you.
Listen, if you were to have,
say, anger issues,
I could recommend that Kayla
be moved off your desk
for her own safety.
- Right.
- But if it goes in your file,
you will have to take
anger management classes.
So what do you think?
Hmm.
Hey, Adam, love that tie.
Thanks.
You're in a good mood.
Well, I have anger issues.
[♪ ♪
And what I don't get is
why all the cheerleaders
for WNBA games aren't all men.
Oh, I've never really
thought about it.
- Hey, Tony.
- Hey, Ms. Vance.
Oh, sorry.
Employees only.
Tony,
my car already pulled out.
You're gonna make me walk
all the way
around the casino
in this heat?
They get on me
about this shit.
I'm sorry.
Really.
- Tony.
- Ava!
What the fuck?
I can't believe that guy.
It's a little better in here.
Mr. Las Vegas!
Mrs. Las Vegas!
- Ms.
- You got odds on this fight?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Odds are I'm gonna wanna leave
in about 20 minutes.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Just promise me that
I'm going to see you
at my New Year's party.
Oh, God,
honey, with bells on.
- Of course.
- Great.
- Nice to see you, baby.
- Great, great, great.
- Nice to see you.
- Bye.
I'm getting
a massive ice luge.
I would love a ring like
that.
Oh, thank you. Yeah, you
can't clap with it
'cause it'll bruise you,
but it's worth it.
- Ah!
- Hi, hi, hi, hi!
- Hi, sweetie.
- Oh.
- Oh, wow, you're sweaty.
- I am?
Oh, Mom, you're nervous, too.
Calm down, okay?
Because he's gonna be okay.
He's gotta be okay.
You want some popcorn?
Uh, why is it in your purse?
It's my popcorn purse.
I pop it at home
and I sneak it in.
Holy shit, this is, like, the
best popcorn I've ever eaten.
Yeah, no shit.
It has nutritional yeast
and Flavacol.
I got the recipe from my
favorite vegan beauty podcast.
Is this a Starbucks
gift card?
Ooh! I've been
looking for that.
I also use this purse
as a purse.
Oh, excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
- Popcorn?
- Yes.
I can't eat corn
on an empty stomach.
It's a disaster.
You look like a bull,
that's what you look like.
Hey, hey, hey.
Ah, look what
the cat dragged in.
Look at you.
Deb, I didn't think
you'd be here.
I know how you don't like
seeing men's bare feet.
This is actually my
son-in-law's first UFC fight.
Ah, right, of course.
Well, it's...
It's nice to see you.
Good to see you, too.
What am I, chopped liver?
What's happening?
Oh, Mayor.
- You look great.
- It's so lovely to see you.
Oh, thank you so much.
I just had my hair done.
- Nice.
- So no date?
Oh, no, don't tell me
she already got carded
and had to go home.
No, she was just here
a second ago.
Where did she go?
Ah, here she is now.
Deborah, Mayor Jo,
this is Victoria Calle.
Very nice to meet you, Mayor,
and Deborah, of course.
I am a fan.
It's so, so lovely to meet you.
It's a pleasure
to meet you as well.
We actually have
to get to our seats.
If you will excuse us.
Thank you.
My God.
That was shocking.
I did not see
that fucking coming.
My God, she's old.
Unbelievable.
Can you tickle my arm?
- What's that?
- Do, like, a baby tickle.
It just helps calm me down.
Uh, sure.
I mean, get your...
You gotta get your nails
a little bit involved.
- There we go.
- Sorry, they're short.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a special guest
here tonight.
You know them
from their residency
here at the Palmetto:
Give it up for MC Ludwig!
MC Ludwig!
Who are you rooting
for tonight?
My boy, the Maim Train.
Predicting a K-O.
Choo!
Choo!
And now,
everyone please stand
for our special guest,
Wendy Mae Waters,
treating us to her rendition
of the National Anthem.
♪ Oh, say can you see ♪
♪ By the... ♪
Oh, shit.
Oh, Jesus.
You okay?
You know,
I did read those reviews.
And I knew I bombed, but...
I thought you don't read
reviews 'cause you don't care.
I don't read reviews
because I do care.
You'd think at some point
I'd stop, but...
It's just a local paper.
It's my hometown paper
and this city's full
of criminals and hookers
and magicians for God's sakes.
No one cares.
This is the one place
nobody judges you.
Well, a dude did just call me
a socialist bitch
when I walked out
on the National Anthem, so...
You know, they never gave
a shit about me in L.A.
or New York,
but at least
they wanted me here.
And now the Review Journal
says that...
it's...
it's not my town anymore.
I think you'll feel better
when you're on the road.
I don't know.
I'm not so sure this tour
is a good idea.
Deborah.
How's it going?
Bad.
Uh!
Oh, God.
Oh! No, no, no!
Hey, watch the balls!
Oh, God!
No! Ooh!
Yeah, bro, beat his ass!
Whoo!
No, no, no, no! Get up!
Get up!
Come on, Aidan, get up.
- Choo!
- Choo!
Yo, yo, this dude
is an idiot, bro.
- He should just tap out.
- Give up, man!
Mom! What... oh, my God.
What are you doing?
Excuse me.
Move, move, move.
- Aidan, Aidan.
- Mom?
- Hey, lady, you can't...
- It's cool.
Aidan, listen to me.
Look at me.
Everybody thinks you're done.
No one believes in you, okay?
They want to see you
get knocked down
and they want you to stay down.
But guess what?
You're gonna get back up
and you're gonna
find his weakness.
And you're gonna hit it hard.
And you're gonna hit it again
and again and again.
In fact, you're gonna hit him
so hard, he doesn't get angry,
he gets scared.
You're the underdog,
but you're gonna get back up
because you're a Vance now.
So go kill him.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Go!
Go, Aidan!
Come on!
Fighter, you ready?
Fighter, you ready?
Let's fight!
Go, Aidan!
Oh!
Go!
That's it, that's it,
that's it, that's...
- Hey, you can't be up...
- Oh, please.
Yo!
Oh, my God!
Yes, yes!
Get him, get him, get him!
Yes!
Yeah!
Whoo!
I fucking love you, babe!
I fucking love you,
babe!
This is our fuckin' city!
Whoo!
Do not fuck
with Deborah Vance.
- Fuck you!
- Whoo!
Yeah!
Jimmy, I was wrong.
You were right.
Deborah's absolutely capable
of killing me.
She cannot find out about
that email.
Okay, okay. Calm down.
I'm working on it.
But for the time being,
just stay away from her.
- Ava.
- Oh, gotta go.
Ava, you were right.
I'm gonna feel a lot better
once I'm on the road.
That's why we're going tonight
just you and me.
- Just us?
- Mm-hmm.
No.
What about the bus?
- The big bus.
- Oh, no.
We can meet up with them
in a couple of weeks.
Tour starts tonight.
Oh, thank God you're up.
Yeah, yeah,
I got to monitor Aidan.
Make sure he doesn't
fall asleep.
He could slip into a coma.
I'm just reading him
"Harry Potter."
Oh.
Hey, you know, I wanted
to thank you again for tonight.
- Oh.
- It meant a lot
and, um, we're gonna try again
with the IVF.
Good, good.
Well, I'm rooting for you.
- Thank you.
- Anyway, I just dropped by
real quick to tell you
that Ava and I
are actually
leaving on tour tonight.
And I just wanted
to say goodbye.
- Oh.
- Anyway, so while I'm gone,
I would like you and Aidan
to stay at my house.
No, Mom,
I don't wanna stay...
Honey, listen, on a lot
of my tours you should've
had a home that wasn't a bus.
So, please, take it.
Just until you get
a bigger place.
Thank you.
Is there anything
you want me to do for you
around the house
while you're gone?
Oh, no.
I'd prefer you'd not
touch anything,
but there is one thing
that you could help me with.
[♪ ♪
♪ Waiting for
the break of day ♪
Okay, now we can go.
[♪ ♪
♪ Searching for
something to say ♪
[♪ ♪
♪ Flashing lights
against the sky ♪
♪ Giving up, I close my eyes ♪
♪ Sitting cross-legged
on the floor ♪
♪ 25 or 6 to 4 ♪
[♪ ♪
♪ Staring blindly into space ♪
♪ Getting up
to splash my face ♪
♪ Wanting just to stay awake ♪
♪ Wondering how much
I can take ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Should I try
to do some more? ♪
♪ 25 or 6 to 4 ♪
blowing up.
What's happening?
I'm not getting service.
Oh, my God, what did you do?
Okay, okay.
I can explain.
Drop it!
Drop it!
Barry, drop it.
You know grapes can kill you.
Reach into his mouth.
Reach into his mouth!
Barry, look at Mommy.
Look at Mommy.
Spit it out.
I love that smell!
Jet fuel and melting rubber?
Yup.
Vegas, baby.
- Welcome home.
- Thank you.
Are you headed to
the Shops At Crystals?
No, no,
straight to the house.
You know, you go ahead.
I'm just gonna call a car
and head back to the Palmetto,
I have some stuff to get,
I have a couple calls
to make, so...
No, you're going with me.
We got a lot
of work to do, kiddo.
♪ I just want
to lend an ear ♪
♪ You can run for cover ♪
♪ Oh, but darling,
don't you see ♪
♪ For every smile,
there's a teardrop ♪
♪ And that's just
how it's gonna be ♪
♪ So it went wrong ♪
That was fast.
No, no, it's good.
It's good.
That was the old show.
I'm done with that.
We're gonna work
this new one out on the road
and it's gonna get me
a bigger and better residency.
And the Palmetto
can kiss my ass.
Totally.
You know,
I haven't been this excited
about my material in years.
It's invigorating
when you bomb
and you have
to start from scratch.
It's like when you
clean out your closet
and you buy
a whole new wardrobe.
Can't relate.
I still wear my bras
from the eighth grade.
Now those bras
you should burn.
Oh, put him on speaker.
I need to talk to him.
- Jimmy.
- Are you trying
to put me in the ground?
Uh, you're here... it's me
and Deborah in the car.
Oh, hey, Deborah.
I'm on speaker.
What are you guys doing?
I wanna have a meeting
in 20 to plan this tour.
I'll get Damien and Marcus.
We'll call you back.
Great and Ava,
maybe afterward you can
just give me a quick call,
you can just catch...
Hey, Ben, turn that up.
♪ Until you finally learn ♪
♪ Isn't that the point of it ♪
♪ Is that love
will come again ♪
♪ That's how you start over ♪
♪ That's how
you begin again ♪
Kayla,
we've been over what is
inappropriate behavior
in the past.
I said I'm sorry.
Okay?
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I'm being,
like, arrested for wearing
pajamas on a business trip.
They were not pajamas.
It was silk lingerie.
Okay, the fashion police
is here.
I didn't know I was going
on a trip with Stacy London.
Okay guys, let's be careful
not to police anyone's fashion,
but also, Kayla, it did
make Jimmy uncomfortable.
Look, I'm just not sure
I'm comfortable
with her staying on my desk.
But I don't, like, get that
because he was,
like, my babysitter.
Like, he's changed my diapers.
What are you talking about?
I was not your babysitter.
We were around each other
as kids 'cause our dads
were in business together,
but I never babysat you.
Um, I literally remember you
changing my diaper.
Ew, Kayla! You don't remember
being a baby.
You don't even remember
my lunch order.
Uh, Mendocino Farms
Chinese chicken salad!
Well that's a first!
Kayla, your behavior was
interpreted as a sexual advance
and anything of a sexual nature
is against Latitude's
code of conduct.
Okay, I just think
that it's gonna be hard
because, you know, we work
in the entertainment business.
And every movie or
TV show's about sex.
That is so not true.
Name one movie
that's not about sex.
"Sophie's Choice,"
"Schindler's List,"
"Saving Private Ryan."
Okay, name one movie
that's not about sex or Nazis.
- "Cast Away."
- That's about masturbation.
Okay, Barbara,
help me out here please.
Um, "Babe: Pig In The City."
Oh, my God.
Okay, so on this tour
I wanna do 35 dates
before Christmas.
That means
I think we should start
in the San Francisco Orpheum
and move our way east.
Love that idea,
but I do think a lot
of the larger venues
are likely already booked.
That's fine.
I'll do drop ins.
I'll do whatever it takes.
I mean, I don't expect
this to be a money maker.
It's all about back to basics.
And we need a really good
tour manager, Vinny DeMoan.
Oh, uh, he... died.
Oh.
Did we send flowers?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Well, we gotta get
somebody really good.
Okay, yup. I'll have Kayla
check some avails.
Love it.
Oh, by the way,
put Helen and Marcel
on retainer so that
they're available
when I get the new residency.
So they've already put in
their two weeks' notice.
They're doing makeup
for the Blue Man Group.
Oh.
Well, they probably need less
time in the chair than I do.
Damien, did you check into
that tour bus I sent you?
I did.
Unfortunately,
it's currently
in use by Lil Uzi Vert.
- Lil...
- Uzi Vert.
Okay, look, does anybody
have anything positive to add?
I think this
could be a great time
to repaint the moldings
in the sitting rooms.
Yes.
Thank you, Josefina.
Thank you.
This is good, this is good.
Everybody's busy.
We got lots to do.
Oh, and Marcus, this means
I'm gonna be on the road,
you'll have a lot more time
for your favorite water cop.
So true.
Let's circle back
to the moldings.
- I have a connection at Valspar.
- Ooh.
And I'm thinking
maybe eggshell
- or satin?
- Mm, satin, satin.
Okay.
Hey,
this is Jimmy Lusaque Jr.
Leave a message.
- Hello?
- Hi, Daisy.
It's Ava
from that horrible meeting.
I mean, it started good.
Yeah, I recall.
Okay, so look,
I really shouldn't
have sent you that email.
I mean, my bad.
My bad 10,000, you know?
Anyway, I'm calling
as a friend to say you really
shouldn't use
anything from the email.
I mean, for your own sake.
Deborah can be very litigious,
and I think
she'll come after you is all.
And I just don't think
you want that kind of
a headache
in the first season of a show.
Oh, well that's very
kind of you, but we actually
just forwarded your email
to the studio.
And since you very specifically
ended your note with:
"I officially release my
permission over these stories,"
we're sorted.
Okay, I shouldn't
have sent that.
I was way out of line.
I was just upset
and Deborah had
just slapped me and...
Wait, she slapped you?
- Was that not in the email?
- No.
♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪
- Ah, shit.
- ♪ Jingle all the way ♪
Is that "Jingle Bells?"
Yeah, I'm in Deborah's
Christmas room.
Don't use that.
You know,
I'm gonna do you a favor
and just hang up, yeah?
- Thank you.
- ♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
♪ In a one horse open sleigh ♪
♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
Hi, honey.
You're eating
Josefina's chicken pot pie
and it's 10 a.m.
What's wrong?
No, don't, don't.
Don't psychoanalyze my pot pie,
all right?
Okay, okay.
I just meant that, you know,
the last time you did this was
when Carrot Top ghosted you.
Well,
if he didn't wanna date,
then he should've
had an adult conversation.
I told you to
never date a comedian
and you're
way out of his league.
Yeah, I'm out
of Carrot Top's league.
That's what made
the whole thing so fucked up.
Oh, God, Mom.
You know what?
Look, I didn't wanna
tell you like this,
but I've been doing IVF
because Aidan and I
wanna start a family.
Oh.
It was the second round,
and it didn't
it didn't take,
and I just...
I didn't want Aidan
to see me upset
'cause he's training
for tomorrow's fight.
Okay.
Well, you know,
maybe it's for the best.
I mean, you did
just meet this guy.
This guy?
Aidan is my husband, Mom.
He's a part of our family.
I... I just meant that
in case it didn't work out,
that it would probably be good
not to rush into having a child
in the unlikely event
of a divorce.
You are unbelievable.
You know what?
Forget it.
I'm leaving anyway.
Josefina forgot
the fucking peas
so this pot pie
tastes like shit.
- Hello. Hi!
- Hello.
Here's the script
you wanted, ugly.
Kayla, you don't have
to call me ugly.
What?
Barbara said not to be sexual.
Isn't the opposite
of being sexual
telling you have a fugly face?
No, it's actually bullying.
What do you want me to say?
That during the company
softball game
I saw the full outline
of your wiener
through your mesh shorts,
and it was surprisingly big
for somebody
with such a high voice.
- Happy now, ugly?
- No.
See?
Really high.
Okay, Kayla, just...
can you shut the door, please?
- What?
- No.
I want you to leave
and then shut the door.
Okay!
God, help us all!
Okay, stop yelling.
We're in a corporate
environment.
Ava, I'm on a razor's edge.
Are you alone?
Yeah, I'm hiding out
in Deborah's Christmas room.
Somehow it feels racist in
here, but I can't explain why.
Anyway, look,
I've been thinking
and I think I should
just own up to it
and tell Deborah
about the email.
Highly, highly disagree.
She will kill you
if she finds out and me,
all right?
Do me a favor,
do not do anything.
Okay.
Okay,
I won't do anything further.
But I... I should tell you,
I did call Daisy,
and I made it worse.
Ava, I need you
to take your phone
and I need you to throw it
into the ocean.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Good note, good note.
Listen, I'm trying to get in
touch with Janet Stone, okay?
She represents Daisy and Jesse.
I'm gonna try
and reason with her.
Uh, isn't that the manager
who beat her assistant
with a stapler?
No, three-hole punch.
Much heavier.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, she gives good,
decent reps like me a bad name.
Anyway, I gotta go make
a sexual harassment
situation go away.
Wow, um, okay.
Okay, bye.
[♪ ♪
Seriously, Ray,
you couldn't have just waited
a few days for me to come by
and get my stuff?
Ms. Vance doesn't have
a comped room here anymore,
so we were asked
to clear it out.
But I put all the overflow
in these bags.
Ah, cool.
Everything's nice and loose
in there.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
I had a Cadbury Crème Egg
that I hadn't eaten,
and they're seasonal, so
they're kinda hard to get now.
- Do you remember it?
- Are you serious?
No.
Oh, also you got a package.
- I did?
- Yeah.
- Yo, are those ashes?
- Oh, my God.
Can you give me a sec?
Ava, did you get your dad?
I mean, half of him?
Mom, why the hell did you
send me half of dad's ashes?
Because I'm keeping
the other half.
Okay, and why did you mail
him in a tennis ball tube?
First of all,
I overnighted him.
It was $44
and I'm not going to
pick out an urn for you.
I don't want you
calling me screaming
that the urn
doesn't match your décor.
Since when have I called you
screaming about anything?
Never
because you barely call.
Oh, my God.
I gotta go.
Yup, ashes.
Sorry, my dad just died, so...
I'm sorry for your loss.
My dad passed away
a few years ago
and we cremated him, too.
Although we did put him in,
like, a proper vessel.
- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
If you ever need to talk
or whatever,
I'm always here
except Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Thanks, Ray.
Sure.
Man, all this time
we could've been friends maybe.
Maybe.
I mean, you've always been
pretty entitled and annoying.
I hear that, brother.
A lot, so-
Yeah, cool.
Um, well...
Yeah, let me know
about that egg.
Have you ever tried
a regular meditation practice?
Apparently it can really help
if you have
emotional irregularity.
I don't have
emotional irregularity.
Sure, but I mean,
look, you never know
what could trigger you
at any moment.
Uh-huh.
Josefina!
Yeah, I'm missing
all the local papers.
- Oh, they're not there?
- No.
Weird.
Weird stuff.
I'll check.
Also, there's this book
by Michael Pollan
about how psilocybin,
uh, mushrooms,
can actually rewire your brain
to create new neural pathways.
I mean,
it's the biggest advancement
in altering mood since Prozac.
You know, I've never
said this to anyone in my life,
but I think you need
to read less.
- Okay, I found them.
- Thank you.
No arts section.
Maybe they skipped a week.
They do that sometimes.
Josefina,
I know I bombed my show.
I don't read reviews.
I don't need to see
all the nasty things people
have written about me.
Okay. There's a very good
"Garfield" today.
Sure, I'll check it out.
[♪ ♪
I would just ask that you
remember my boundary please
- and don't open any cabinets.
- Don't open any cabinets.
Look, honey, I just wanted
to come by
and say that I'm sorry
for what I said yesterday.
And I think that you should try
the IVF thing again.
Thank you, but I don't know
if I can handle
the disappointment.
I understand.
My God.
Jesus, this place is a mess.
- What is all this stuff?
- I know.
It's a little cramped,
but that's married life right?
I mean, it's only until
we find a bigger place.
I'm glad to see
you finally got a gun.
Ew, no. I'm, like, anti-gun
or whatever.
This is Aidan's
paintball stuff.
- Mom! Hey!
- Hey.
- Come here. Come on.
- Hi, Aidan.
Oh, I had no idea
that you were coming over.
- Yeah, surprise.
- I gotta head to the gym.
I still got ten pounds to cut
for tomorrow's weigh-in.
- Ten?
- Yeah.
You gotta show me
your technique.
All right, babe.
Muah, I love you.
- Love you.
- Mom, I'll see you soon.
Okay.
I want the "Mom" thing to stop.
I know but he's from Ohio,
so...
And you better be coming
to his fight.
- Oh, I...
- Mom, come on.
You love boxing.
It's not that different.
Yes, it is.
It's a lot more violent
and I don't like seeing
men's bare feet.
Listen, he's finally
in UFC proper.
- It's a huge night for him.
- Exactly, exactly.
That's why the night should be
all about him.
You know what it's like when
I go to one of these events.
They put me up on the jumbotron
and make a big to-do.
I don't want
to steal his thunder.
It's fine.
He doesn't care.
He really wants you there.
It's weird.
He's, like, desperate
for your approval or something.
- Do you like this?
- No.
No, right? Ugh.
Okay, fine. I'll come.
- Really?
- Yes, but he better win.
Oh, no, he's not gonna win.
No, the other guy is a monster.
Do you know
what his nickname is?
The Maim Train.
Oh, well that's not scary.
That's just juvenile.
Well, he's terrifying.
Aidan not getting paralyzed,
that's the win.
- Jesus.
- I know.
People have no idea
what we go through.
- We?
- Yeah, wives of MMA fighters.
His job is combat.
I mean, I'm basically
a military wife.
Every morning he gets up
and goes to work.
And when I wake up
a few hours later,
I don't know if
I'm ever gonna see him again.
[♪ ♪
- Hey.
- Victor, is Wilson home?
No, sorry.
He's out.
Well, actually
I was just here to drop off
some of his stuff, but it's
probably good he's not here.
Better, actually.
Okay, this is half a bag
of granola and a Flonase.
Well, the Flonase
is practically new.
So I figured he might
need it soon.
So I... you know what?
Actually, um...
Don't tell him I was here.
Yeah, I can't give him
half a bag of granola
and a practically new Flonase
without an explanation.
Okay, okay.
Well, tell him I was here
but I was just stopping by
real quickly on my way
to a party.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Actually, tell him...
Tell him that I was
going to the gym.
Or a date.
This is pathetic.
Yeah, but he won't stop
eating my Skinny Cows,
and it's really fucking
annoying,
so I'll tell him
whatever you want.
Okay. A date.
Maybe stick with party.
I feel like that's more fun.
Sure.
Take care, diva.
So after further
investigation
and speaking with legal,
we have determined
that this was
a misunderstanding
and that Kayla
will remain at you desk.
- Yes!
- Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?
Barbara, who did you talk to?
Probably everyone.
This whole office
is always talking about
our will they/won't they.
They won't!
Okay, Kayla, would you mind
stepping out
for a moment, please?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Justice!
Barbara, this is insane.
So I can't discipline Kayla
for reasons
I think you understand.
'Cause her dad's the boss.
Right, but
I could discipline you.
Uh, no thank you.
Listen, if you were to have,
say, anger issues,
I could recommend that Kayla
be moved off your desk
for her own safety.
- Right.
- But if it goes in your file,
you will have to take
anger management classes.
So what do you think?
Hmm.
Hey, Adam, love that tie.
Thanks.
You're in a good mood.
Well, I have anger issues.
[♪ ♪
And what I don't get is
why all the cheerleaders
for WNBA games aren't all men.
Oh, I've never really
thought about it.
- Hey, Tony.
- Hey, Ms. Vance.
Oh, sorry.
Employees only.
Tony,
my car already pulled out.
You're gonna make me walk
all the way
around the casino
in this heat?
They get on me
about this shit.
I'm sorry.
Really.
- Tony.
- Ava!
What the fuck?
I can't believe that guy.
It's a little better in here.
Mr. Las Vegas!
Mrs. Las Vegas!
- Ms.
- You got odds on this fight?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Odds are I'm gonna wanna leave
in about 20 minutes.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Just promise me that
I'm going to see you
at my New Year's party.
Oh, God,
honey, with bells on.
- Of course.
- Great.
- Nice to see you, baby.
- Great, great, great.
- Nice to see you.
- Bye.
I'm getting
a massive ice luge.
I would love a ring like
that.
Oh, thank you. Yeah, you
can't clap with it
'cause it'll bruise you,
but it's worth it.
- Ah!
- Hi, hi, hi, hi!
- Hi, sweetie.
- Oh.
- Oh, wow, you're sweaty.
- I am?
Oh, Mom, you're nervous, too.
Calm down, okay?
Because he's gonna be okay.
He's gotta be okay.
You want some popcorn?
Uh, why is it in your purse?
It's my popcorn purse.
I pop it at home
and I sneak it in.
Holy shit, this is, like, the
best popcorn I've ever eaten.
Yeah, no shit.
It has nutritional yeast
and Flavacol.
I got the recipe from my
favorite vegan beauty podcast.
Is this a Starbucks
gift card?
Ooh! I've been
looking for that.
I also use this purse
as a purse.
Oh, excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
- Popcorn?
- Yes.
I can't eat corn
on an empty stomach.
It's a disaster.
You look like a bull,
that's what you look like.
Hey, hey, hey.
Ah, look what
the cat dragged in.
Look at you.
Deb, I didn't think
you'd be here.
I know how you don't like
seeing men's bare feet.
This is actually my
son-in-law's first UFC fight.
Ah, right, of course.
Well, it's...
It's nice to see you.
Good to see you, too.
What am I, chopped liver?
What's happening?
Oh, Mayor.
- You look great.
- It's so lovely to see you.
Oh, thank you so much.
I just had my hair done.
- Nice.
- So no date?
Oh, no, don't tell me
she already got carded
and had to go home.
No, she was just here
a second ago.
Where did she go?
Ah, here she is now.
Deborah, Mayor Jo,
this is Victoria Calle.
Very nice to meet you, Mayor,
and Deborah, of course.
I am a fan.
It's so, so lovely to meet you.
It's a pleasure
to meet you as well.
We actually have
to get to our seats.
If you will excuse us.
Thank you.
My God.
That was shocking.
I did not see
that fucking coming.
My God, she's old.
Unbelievable.
Can you tickle my arm?
- What's that?
- Do, like, a baby tickle.
It just helps calm me down.
Uh, sure.
I mean, get your...
You gotta get your nails
a little bit involved.
- There we go.
- Sorry, they're short.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a special guest
here tonight.
You know them
from their residency
here at the Palmetto:
Give it up for MC Ludwig!
MC Ludwig!
Who are you rooting
for tonight?
My boy, the Maim Train.
Predicting a K-O.
Choo!
Choo!
And now,
everyone please stand
for our special guest,
Wendy Mae Waters,
treating us to her rendition
of the National Anthem.
♪ Oh, say can you see ♪
♪ By the... ♪
Oh, shit.
Oh, Jesus.
You okay?
You know,
I did read those reviews.
And I knew I bombed, but...
I thought you don't read
reviews 'cause you don't care.
I don't read reviews
because I do care.
You'd think at some point
I'd stop, but...
It's just a local paper.
It's my hometown paper
and this city's full
of criminals and hookers
and magicians for God's sakes.
No one cares.
This is the one place
nobody judges you.
Well, a dude did just call me
a socialist bitch
when I walked out
on the National Anthem, so...
You know, they never gave
a shit about me in L.A.
or New York,
but at least
they wanted me here.
And now the Review Journal
says that...
it's...
it's not my town anymore.
I think you'll feel better
when you're on the road.
I don't know.
I'm not so sure this tour
is a good idea.
Deborah.
How's it going?
Bad.
Uh!
Oh, God.
Oh! No, no, no!
Hey, watch the balls!
Oh, God!
No! Ooh!
Yeah, bro, beat his ass!
Whoo!
No, no, no, no! Get up!
Get up!
Come on, Aidan, get up.
- Choo!
- Choo!
Yo, yo, this dude
is an idiot, bro.
- He should just tap out.
- Give up, man!
Mom! What... oh, my God.
What are you doing?
Excuse me.
Move, move, move.
- Aidan, Aidan.
- Mom?
- Hey, lady, you can't...
- It's cool.
Aidan, listen to me.
Look at me.
Everybody thinks you're done.
No one believes in you, okay?
They want to see you
get knocked down
and they want you to stay down.
But guess what?
You're gonna get back up
and you're gonna
find his weakness.
And you're gonna hit it hard.
And you're gonna hit it again
and again and again.
In fact, you're gonna hit him
so hard, he doesn't get angry,
he gets scared.
You're the underdog,
but you're gonna get back up
because you're a Vance now.
So go kill him.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Go!
Go, Aidan!
Come on!
Fighter, you ready?
Fighter, you ready?
Let's fight!
Go, Aidan!
Oh!
Go!
That's it, that's it,
that's it, that's...
- Hey, you can't be up...
- Oh, please.
Yo!
Oh, my God!
Yes, yes!
Get him, get him, get him!
Yes!
Yeah!
Whoo!
I fucking love you, babe!
I fucking love you,
babe!
This is our fuckin' city!
Whoo!
Do not fuck
with Deborah Vance.
- Fuck you!
- Whoo!
Yeah!
Jimmy, I was wrong.
You were right.
Deborah's absolutely capable
of killing me.
She cannot find out about
that email.
Okay, okay. Calm down.
I'm working on it.
But for the time being,
just stay away from her.
- Ava.
- Oh, gotta go.
Ava, you were right.
I'm gonna feel a lot better
once I'm on the road.
That's why we're going tonight
just you and me.
- Just us?
- Mm-hmm.
No.
What about the bus?
- The big bus.
- Oh, no.
We can meet up with them
in a couple of weeks.
Tour starts tonight.
Oh, thank God you're up.
Yeah, yeah,
I got to monitor Aidan.
Make sure he doesn't
fall asleep.
He could slip into a coma.
I'm just reading him
"Harry Potter."
Oh.
Hey, you know, I wanted
to thank you again for tonight.
- Oh.
- It meant a lot
and, um, we're gonna try again
with the IVF.
Good, good.
Well, I'm rooting for you.
- Thank you.
- Anyway, I just dropped by
real quick to tell you
that Ava and I
are actually
leaving on tour tonight.
And I just wanted
to say goodbye.
- Oh.
- Anyway, so while I'm gone,
I would like you and Aidan
to stay at my house.
No, Mom,
I don't wanna stay...
Honey, listen, on a lot
of my tours you should've
had a home that wasn't a bus.
So, please, take it.
Just until you get
a bigger place.
Thank you.
Is there anything
you want me to do for you
around the house
while you're gone?
Oh, no.
I'd prefer you'd not
touch anything,
but there is one thing
that you could help me with.
[♪ ♪
♪ Waiting for
the break of day ♪
Okay, now we can go.
[♪ ♪
♪ Searching for
something to say ♪
[♪ ♪
♪ Flashing lights
against the sky ♪
♪ Giving up, I close my eyes ♪
♪ Sitting cross-legged
on the floor ♪
♪ 25 or 6 to 4 ♪
[♪ ♪
♪ Staring blindly into space ♪
♪ Getting up
to splash my face ♪
♪ Wanting just to stay awake ♪
♪ Wondering how much
I can take ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Should I try
to do some more? ♪
♪ 25 or 6 to 4 ♪