Hacks (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - D'Jewelry - full transcript

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[camera shutter clicking]

♪ ♪

[knocking]

- Hi, Mommy.

- Hi, DJ.

- So you hear
"resort collection"

and your brain
automatically goes to,

"I got the color palette
for this.

Pastels." Right?



- Yeah, you've got--

yeah, you've got
some great ones in there.

- Well, that's
where you're wrong.

And now you're thinking,
"Oh, shit.

"If I'm wrong about pastels,

then it's got to be gem tones."

And see,
now you're getting warmer.

But what I would say
to that is,

"Go ahead and drop
the 'tones.'"

This year's theme
is simply 'gems.'"

- Ah.
- Look.

I mean, look
at this piece right here.

Are you seeing this?

This is just
straight-up wearable art.



- Yeah.

- And it just--
it screams D'Jewelry.

Don't you agree?
- It does.

It does.
- Okay.

- Are you putting an apostrophe
in that word?

I forget.
- Yeah, "D'Jewelry."

- Oh, mm-hmm.

- So what do you think?

- I think that juice
is just sugar,

and I think you know that.

- Mom.

About the collection.

- I think it is absolutely you,
honey.

- Okay!

Okay, I'll send you
the whole look book.

It's a really big file,

so you let me know
if you need me to zip it.

- Oh, please zip it.
- I'll zip it.

I'll zip it, no problem.
- Okay.

- The hard copy's
still being bound.

Don't even get me started.

I threw a fucking fit
at Kinko's.

Don't worry,
it was a whole thing.

And I have to say,

this is gonna be huge
for QVC as well

because they could really use
a young, fresh-faced designer.

- Yeah.

- So you'll talk to 'em?

- Sure.

- Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.

Just with Dad dying
and everything,

I mean, I could just
really use a win.

God, this shit is so cool.

Did you see this one?

[funky upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- So I found someone who wants
to rent your LA place.

- Oh, shit, really?
Thank you so much.

- Also, I took down a wall
in the kitchen.

It begged me to do it.
- What? No! You can't--

Oh, wow, that's--
that's actually much better.

- I know.

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God.

We didn't even have
to go through security?

Amazing.

[laughing]
Holy shit, this is nice.

- I know.
Epstein estate sale.

- No!
- No.

Stop acting like a hillbilly
and sit down.

- All right, Barry, come on.

- [growls]
- Come on, let's go.

- Uh-uh, that's his seat.

[dog whimpering]

She didn't know. It's okay.

Baby boy.

You're mommy's big,
handsome boy.

Okay, the first thing
that we're gonna be selling

is foot spas.

- Okay, foot spa.

Um, let's see.

Feet, toes, pedicure...

- Wow.

It's like watching
Picasso sing.

- You mean paint?
- No.

- Okay, um...

oh, what about
something about WikiFeet?

Like, um,

"Ladies, use this and your
tootsies will look so good,

you'll break WikiFeet."

- What's WikiFeet?

- Oh, um,

so you know how, like,

some men are horny for feet?

- Sure.

- So it's Wikipedia

but for celebrity feet.

- Jesus.

Am I on it?

both: Yes.

- Hmm.

Oh, but the next thing--

I really want
to push this too--

is the progesterone
drink packets.

- What is this?

- That is the Tahitian
grapefruit flavor.

- No, like, what's
a progesterone packet?

- Well, progesterone
is the female hormone

that allows women
to get pregnant

and to stay looking young.

But then when menopause starts,

your body stops
producing progesterone

and everything
kind of goes to hell.

You know, your hair turns gray.

Your body stops
metabolizing fat.

Your skin and your nails
start to crack like old clay.

It's pretty much
Mother Nature telling you

to move to the back
of the cave.

But the Deborah Vance
progesterone supplement

replaces some
of that progesterone

the body has stopped producing.

You can just stay hot
until you...

go off it,

which most people do
eventually because

sustained use does
sort of raise the risk

of ovarian and breast cancer.

Anyway...

got jokes for that?

- Um...

I'm just learning about
all this stuff, so I'm--

I'm gonna need a minute

before I come up
with something funny.

- Okay, honey.
You take your minute.

- [sighs]
Well, this ruined my first PJ.

[dog whimpers]

Private jet.

- You with those killer heels,
I can imagine you need

one of these in every room.

- Oh, I do have one
in every room.

I absolutely love them.

And I got to tell you,
I get so many emails

and direct messages about
how people love this product.

- Oh, Katie, it is
really resonating.

And, ladies, if you want
to break WikiFeet,

got to order
one of my foot spas.

- Oh, absolutely.
- I pitched that.

- How 'bout we pivot now
and talk about

the microfiber dusting kit?

- Let's.

[chill upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- At some point,
you have to pick a genital.

- Okay, maybe we could
just have a code word

I can use for when you
say something monosexist.

- Monosexist?
- There you go.

That's a great code word
for it, thank you.

- Mom, I've been calling you.

What'd they say at QVC
about bringing me in?

- DJ, I'm working,

and you're being rude to Ava.

- Who?

Oh, her?

Okay, did they like
the look book, though?

Could they open the zip?

- You know, there really wasn't

a good moment to bring it up.

- Wait a sec,
you didn't even mention it?

- DJ, I told you, I'm working.

- Uh-huh.
Yeah, you're always working.

You're also lying to me.

'Cause you know they'd listen
to anything you said.

- You know, um, you're right.

I was trying to protect you,
but since you're pushing me,

I didn't mention D'Jewelry
because it's not good enough.

- [scoffs]

- It looks like junk
from a mall kiosk.

- Okay.

You think it's junk?

You're insane.

- Just make it better.

And don't give up on it
just because I'm pushing you,

like you did
with your essential oils.

- Losing a protracted
legal battle isn't giving up.

And I never once said

that my oils would cure
all types of autism.

Well, does this mean
you're not gonna come

to my trade show
this afternoon?

- I told you, I'm going to
Marty's daughter's bat mitzvah,

and then I have a show.

- Right, yeah.

I guess it's good
that you can be there

for someone's kid, right?

God forbid you do
one fucking thing for me.

- You have no idea
how much I do for you.

- Um, okay, I think
I'll just go in the other--

- No, no, no, no. It's fine.

I'm just--I'm calling it early
today, anyway.

Do yourself a favor:
take the afternoon off

and get your tubes tied.

- Hey, um,

do you want me to come
to your show with you?

If you need someone there.

- You don't have to do that

just 'cause you feel
sorry for me.

- Well, actually, I just think
it would really piss her off

if I went with you, so...

- Okay, you fucking rule.
Let's do it.

I call shotgun.

- I guess I'll drive.

- ♪ You breathe ♪

♪ I breathe ♪

♪ We're breathing each other ♪

[camera shutter clicking]

- ♪ That you got
from your mother ♪

- One practice swing
and then...[clicks tongue]

- Shalom!

- [chuckles]
You look fabulous.

- Thank you.

- Hey, Marcus.
- Marty.

I'm gonna get a drink.
- Okay.

- So you're not
still mad at me.

- Oh, I just really love Ali,

and that's why I got her this.

It's the limited-edition
Birkin that she wanted.

- Well, that's very generous
of you, Deborah.

- Oh, it's not just the purse.

It's what comes with it.

This is a letter from
the headmaster at St. Xavier's.

So you let me keep my dates,

Ali gets to go to school
with all her little friends.

- I'm not changing my mind.

But you must have gone
through some trouble because

if I remember correctly,
DJ drove her Jeep

through the gym at St. Xavier's
her junior year.

- It was a Range Rover
through the rare book room,

and I fully funded the rebuild.

- Still friends, right?

- Oh, the best of.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, my God.

Marcus!

Do not get me in trouble today.

I always drink too much
when you're around.

Double vodka soda.

- This is
a beautiful event, Rina.

- It's been like pulling teeth.

Marty nickel-and-dimed it
the entire time.

I had to fight him

to have lamb chops
as a passed hors d'oeuvre.

Can you believe?
This is a bat mitzvah.

- Ugh, God.

Now, where's
the new girlfriend?

- Ivy.

Marty says she's an old soul.

- Lucky Marty,
keeps finding old souls

in 26-year-old bodies.
- [laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

- Look, I don't know
what to tell you, man.

There's sewage coming out
of the shower hole,

and this tenant is, like,
a giant pain in my ass,

so it needs to be done,
like, fricking yesterday.

Yeah, I've got Venmo.

Ugh, managing a building
is a nightmare.

- Wait, you're--
you're a building manager?

- Yeah, I manage
the building I live in

in exchange for rent.

I get it, you thought
I was some, like, hot rich kid

living off her parents' money?

- Um, kind of.

- I don't blame you;
I would've thought

the same thing, but nope.

I am a professional.

[rocks tumbling]

I tumble my rocks myself.
- Oh, I see.

- It's kind of
what sets me apart

'cause, you know,
nobody else here self-tumbles.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

[tumbling stops]
- So what's your earring story?

- My what?
- Well, I'm seeing

two studs, a huggie hoop,

and then a couple vacant holes
that just aren't

living up to their potential.

What did you have in mind
with that?

- Um, God, not much.

I didn't really think about it.
- No, you didn't

think it through.
- Yeah, no.

- Um...

Okay, all right.

Why don't you scoot
that huggie up,

pop these in the empties?

Let's see what's what.

Oh, shit!

I mean, those look hot on you.

- Oh, yeah.

- You go ahead
and wear those today.

You can be my model.

Check it out.

- Oh, wow.
- What do you think?

- They are...

substantial.

- Yeah, right?

- I mean, they look...

like a key
to another dimension.

- Thank you.

So much cooler than something

from a fuckin' mall kiosk.

Right?

- Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

She was really harsh
back there.

- Whatever.

I spent thousands
of hours in therapy

trying to process
how to deal with Deborah.

- Well it's good
you're doing the work.

Your mom once told me
therapy is for bulimics

and pedophiles.
- Pedophiles?

Yeah, she loves that one.

- God, it's so nice to be able
to vent about her to someone.

- Oh, God, I am so down.

And look, I get it.
I'm not perfect, right?

I'm always gonna be
a work in progress.

- Yeah.
- But I'm finally able

to practice
radical acceptance, right?

So I can just radically accept

that my mom is a cunt.

- [laughs]

- I wasn't joking, but...

I can see why you'd laugh.
- Oh, sorry.

- Yeah.
My chokers are unisex.

- I can't let you drink that.

- Yeah, leave the cheap wine
for the kids.

- [chuckles]

Now...

ah.

Isn't this the one
you liked last time?

- [gasps] That is the one
I loved last time.

Open it.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Your collection
has really grown

since the last time
I was down here.

- Well, they say
if you collect,

it's not a problem;
it's a hobby.

- Well, the first step
is admitting you have a hobby.

- [laughs]
[cork pops]

Ah, I love that sound.

- Let's drink to your daughter

becoming a woman.

- She's a good kid.

Mostly.
- Yeah, well, I know

where she gets
her naughtiness from.

- Her mother.
- Ha, nice try.

- [chuckles]

So, Deborah Vance,

what's new with you?

- Well, lately
I've been trying to wrestle

my stage time back
from a handsome tyrant.

- Oh, come on.

I talk business all day.

You're the one person
I'd love to talk

about anything else with.

- Okay.

Okay.
- Okay.

- Cheers.
[glasses clink]

Mmm.

I'm getting plum

and licorice?

- Honestly, I'm getting mint.

I forgot to spit out my gum.

- [laughs]
- Jesus.

Maybe it'll be better now.

- Oh, I haven't even
told my mom I live here yet.

She's gonna freak when she
finds out I lost my deal.

Also, my mom's not
a conspiracy theorist,

but I think that's just 'cause
her Internet's too slow.

- God, moms are the worst.

I'm so sorry you have to deal
with yours and mine now.

I honestly can't believe
that she's making you

watch all of the stupid shit
she's ever done.

- It's a lot, yeah.

- So stupid.
- It's a lot.

Though I got to say,

it is crazy she was
almost the first woman

to host a late-night show.

- Yeah, and maybe
if she hadn't acted like

a frickin' pyro,
they would've picked it up.

- Sounds like it was
a dramatic time.

- It's always a dramatic time
with her.

- Yeah.
- Do you know my aunt/stepmom's

been trying to talk to her
for, like, 40 years?

The woman doesn't
let anything go.

- Jesus.

- Laurie, my--
that's my therapist.

She's always telling me
my trauma started

when she dragged me out
on the road with her.

I mean, I was a kid.

I wanted to go to school,
you know,

and just be normal.
- Yeah.

- Instead, I'm 13 years old
doing my first line of coke

in the Chuckle Hut
in Kalamazoo.

- Jesus Christ.
- I know.

- Was it at least good coke?
- [chuckles]

For a 13-year-old, sure, yeah.
- [laughs]

- Listen, I'm not dumb.

I know that I've got to own
my actions,

but she's the reason

I've been in recovery
for 20 years.

20 years!

And do you think
she's ever once

come to a meeting with me?

No, not one.

Whatever.

Can you, like, face forward
with those or something?

- Yeah.
- I feel like you're not

getting any earring attention.

- Where is it now?
- Another one?

Don't you have to go
step on a glass or whatever?

- More fun down here.
[gasps]

Should we be bad
and open the Margaux?

- Oh, you're naughty.

Told you where she got it from.

- [laughs]
Yeah, that kid.

She told me if I didn't
get her a new iPhone,

she was gonna "join Antifa."

- [laughs]
No!

Oh, no, but that's good.
That's good.

You want her to be bold,
you know,

have personality.

Of course, what do I know
about parenting?

- You did the best you could.

- Thanks.

- Let me give you a hand.
- [groans]

- Here, I got it.
All the way down and...

- Marty?

- Yeah, hey!

- Baby, I've been looking
all over for you.

- Yeah, we'll be right up.

Just giving a little tour.
- Okay.

- Showing me how to use
this thing.

- All right.
- Okay, be right up.

- Well, I guess...

we should go.

- Nah.

It's open now.

[cork pops]

We might as well just...

drink it.

One glass.
- One glass.

[laughter]

- We were right there.

[laughs]

- Oh, perfect,
let's get a quick shot

of the beautiful couple.
- Oh, no.

No, no, this is my girl.

Ivy?
- Yes?

- [chuckles]

- Okay.

[camera shutter clicking]
- Beautiful.

Great, good.
- One more serious.

[camera shutter clicking]

- Nah, see, belly chains
are always in style

'cause they have ethnic roots.

- Huh.

- Oh, shit.

Oh, I think I know that woman.

That's the buyer
for Neiman Marcus.

Oh, God, I'm getting nervous.

My pits are going
and my mouth is getting dry.

How's my breath?
[exhales heavily]

- It's, um--

- What am I talking about?
She's never gonna stop here.

My stuff's not good enough.

Shit.

[sighs]

Where are you--
what are you doing?

What are you doing?

- Oh, hey!

- Hey?
- Didn't we meet

at Irene Neuwirth's
birthday party?

- I don't think so.

- Blanche from Just One Eye?

- You're from Just One Eye?

I love that store.

I didn't know they had a buyer.
- Oh, yeah.

I'm actually buying
a ton of stuff right now.

- I self-tumble.

- Cool.

Can I take your look book?

- Yes.

- Hey, if you're ever in LA,
stop by the store.

Our offices are upstairs.

- For sure.

Good to see you.
- You too.

- Okay.

[laughs]

What was that?
- I don't know!

I follow Busy Philipps
on Instagram.

She's constantly posting
about jewelry people.

Oh, thank God watching
thousands and thousands

and thousands and thousands
of those stories

finally paid off.

- Okay, bitch,
you keep those earrings

because you earned them.

Let's blow this shit
and go celebrate.

I've got
the perfect bar for us.

- Oh, my God,
I would love that.

Wait, um, aren't you--

aren't you in recovery?

- Just for powder
and pills, babe.

Liquid's on the menu.
[latches click]

- Go with--you go with citrus?

Boom, orchard.

- Marty.
- Marcus.

Quieres Cohiba?

- Oh, I would, but I just

bleached my teeth this morning.

- [chuckles]

- So look,

the smaller theater
at the casino,

why don't you give it
to Deborah

for Fridays and Saturdays?

- You two are relentless.

- I've already cleared it
with the production guys.

They can move the set back
easily on Sunday.

You could double the income
those nights.

She doesn't feel slighted.

Everybody wins.

- Interesting.

Let's connect next week.

- All right.

- Showbiz people.

[both chuckle]

It's always something.

- And...

hyah!

- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah!

- Right?
- [laughs]

- It feels good, doesn't it?

I'm telling you,
for people with mommy issues,

this place is essential.
- [laughs]

[cell phone ringing]
- Oh, work call. Be right back.

- Grab some throwing stars
on your way back.

- Okay.
- I'll watch your drink.

- Oh, it's whatever.

- How old are you?

- I'm sure you get this
all the time,

but it's so awesome
to meet you.

- Oh.
- I'm a fan.

I feel like
I've known you

my whole life.
- Oh, thank you.

- Do you like it?

- Yes, actually, I do.

There are so many kids
running around today,

I hope Marty's got
good insurance.

- Well, the corporation does.

Everything's through the corp.

- It is a beautiful piece.

But you know what? I saw...

a sculpture in the hall.

Was that you too?

- Guilty!
[chuckles]

I actually redid
the whole place myself.

- I knew it.
- I fuckin' love art.

- I fucking love art too.
It looks so much better.

I'm thinking of doing
some redecorating myself.

Would you mind terribly
if I just

took a couple pictures
for inspiration?

- I am so flattered. Yeah.

- Thank you.

Do you think I could
also get a little tour?

- I don't know.

Marty doesn't want guests
in certain areas of the house.

- Oh, gosh,
I would have loved

to have seen more of your work,

but I guess Marty's the boss.

- I can probably show you
around just a little bit.

- Oh, great.
- But you can't tell Marty.

- Oh.

[upbeat music]

- [giggles]

- That really is

a striking piece.
[camera shutter clicks]

It's really--

Would you mind getting one
with me in it for scale?

- Of course; get in there.
- Thanks.

[camera shutter clicks]

♪ ♪

You dog.
Just like [unintelligible].

- Great.
[both laugh]

♪ ♪

Fun.

- Ready to go?
- Yup.

Arrange a lunch
with Tim Gurley.

I have some assets
that I want him to appraise.

Marty, sweetie,

we're gonna have to
get together for drinks soon.

- Great, I'll have Phyllis set.

- Great.

I don't like that.

- [chuckles]

- The one time I was in LA,

I saw Tobey Maguire
coming out of a Coffee Bean.

- Mm.
- He was wearing one

of those boots like when,

you know, you break your ankle.

Do you think that he was

wearing that for a role, or...

do you think he was injured?

Like, does he ski?

- Oh, I--I don't know
if Tobey Maguire skis.

Hey, DJ's been gone
a while, huh?

I guess managing
an apartment building

is actually a lot of work.

[both chuckle]

What?

What am I missing?

- That's not what she means
by "work."

She sells photos, honey.

She hires a photographer
to take photos of Deborah,

and then she sells them
to, like, TMZ or wherever.

- Yeah, she makes hella cash.
- Hella.

- And she makes, like,
a lot more

if Deborah looks like shit.

- That's so fucked.

- Hey, you're in the house
all the time.

You should do it too;
I bet you could sell,

like, her medical records

or her diary or whatever.

- Her underwear.
- Okay, ladies.

I got next round, so finish up.

- Whoo!
- Time me.

- Nice, nice, nice.
- Get it, get it.

- Yes, yes, almost there,
almost there.

- Whoo!
- Oh!

- What'd you get?

- Uh, I didn't time.

- Oh, fuck.

Give me yours.
- Okay.

- Ready, go.

Go!

[chill music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, can I talk to you?

- Yeah.

- You know what?
It's right before your show.

Maybe later is a better time.
I don't want to mess you up.

- You can't mess me up.

What is it?

- Okay, I'm gonna--
I'm gonna tell you this,

but please don't ask me
how I know.

But, um,

someone I know is--is selling
pictures of you to TMZ,

and I don't know if you
can stop it, but I just--

I thought I should tell you.

- All right, thank you.

- You're just gonna let it go?

You're not gonna...

ask me who it is?

Oh, you let her.

- Makes her feel
self-sufficient.

I have to get dressed.
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

[line ringing]

- Hello.

- Hey, Mom.

Sorry, is it too late?

- No, no, I'm just being quiet
because your father

finally fell asleep.

Hopefully he sleeps
through the night

so I can get some rest.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, no.

It's okay, it's okay, honey.

How's your new place?

- It's good.

Though, uh,

I'm not actually
there right now.

I've actually been living
in Las Vegas.

- Vegas?

Are you gambling?

- No, I--
I lost my deal and--

- Wait, lost your deal?

But you just bought
that place in LA.

- I know, that's why
I got another job.

That's what I'm trying
to tell you.

Also, isn't Dad asleep?
You're yelling.

- Oh, my God, Ava, I told you

that business is so unstable.

I mean, what's next?

You're gonna have
to move home here

and live with us?

I don't have room for you here.

I mean, I guess we can
put a cot in the kitchen.

- No, Mom, no cot
in the kitchen.

I'm not coming home. Jesus.

- No, it's okay, Ava.
I know where the cot is.

It's in the basement next to
the Christmas decorations.

- I'll be fine, okay?
- I'm on it.

- You'll be fine.

I got to go.
- Wait, Ava--

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- [sighs]

[unintelligible dialogue
playing over TV]

[phone ringing]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Hello.
- I think they've been

overcharging you
for room service.

- Who is this?

- I've been going over
your charges.

They have you ordering

three chicken Parms
in one night.

- [scoffs]
What are you, the NSA?

You're going through
my room service bills?

- Well, of course,
it's my money.

I think they made a mistake.
I don't like being overcharged.

- Wow, three chicken Parms.

In one night?

That's crazy.

But I did order them.

- What, were you entertaining?

- No, it was just me.

But they're medium size,
though,

and I eat the leftovers
for breakfast,

so you're actually
saving money.

- For breakfast?

- I may have been high.

- Yeah, you must have been.

Oh. Oh, oh, what do I hear?

Is that "SVU"?
- "Criminal Intent."

- [gasps] What channel?
- Um...

55.

- Oh, I've seen this one.

Yeah, this attorney turns out
to be a schizophrenic.

- Deborah!
- I didn't write it.

- Yeah, but you spoiled it.

- Oh, it's so obvious.

He's the biggest guest star
on the episode.

If his name comes before

the opening credits,
he did it.

- No! Now you've spoiled
every single one of them.

- Well, it's better you know.

- I think I could play
a dead body.

- Well, you certainly have
the complexion.

- [laughs]
- [chuckles]

- This is actually
pretty triggering for me

'cause I've never learned
how to swim.

- What?

You don't know how to swim?

That's ridiculous.

- No one taught me as a kid.

I thought about taking
swim classes for adults,

but honestly, that's sadder
than just drowning.

- [chuckles]

[laughter]

- ♪ So move over, darling ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ If my heart bends ♪

♪ I'll know ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And if I had to stay ♪

♪ You know I would ♪

♪ Have stayed ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So, baby,
don't hold me back ♪

♪ 'Cause if I win ♪

♪ I'll change ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And if I lose my way ♪

♪ You know I would ♪

♪ Escape ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Damaged by disease ♪

♪ The sun blaze over me ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, tie me down ♪

♪ I am dangling ♪