Guys with Kids (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 2 - Chris' New Girlfriend - full transcript

Guys with Kids is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

Excuse me?
How come you don't have

changing tables
in the bathrooms?

Because this is a bar

and you're not supposed
to have children here.

You know, they have little
fake ID's, if that helps.

Hey, guys.

Hey, how was
your date last night?

- Oh, man, it was--it was--
- Hey, hey, hey!

Wait, you went
on a date last night?

I didn't know about this?



Actually,
it was their fourth date.

Really?
Well, I guess that Gary's

your best friend now.

Hey, man, ever since
Clarkie broke the TV,

I've been forced to take

an interest
in other people's lives.

I didn't tell you
because you have

a history of ruining
my relationships.

As soon as you meet
a girl I'm dating,

- you look for a fault, any fault.
- Mm-hmm.

And you get in my head
about it.

Uh, "blinks too much,"

"swallows too loud,"

"doesn't offer gum."



See, Chris, what I'm doing
is I'm looking out for you.

All right, because I let you
out of my sight

when you went to law school
and what happened, hmm?

You married Sheila.

And then you
had a baby with her

and then you divorced her,
right?

I need to get you
microchipped like a cat.

[Phone rings]

Oh, hey.

Happy anniversary, Gary.

Hmm? [Scoffs]
Anniversary?

Yeah,
your wedding anniversary.

It's today, right?

I put an alert in my calendar.
Okay.

Can I get a shake with
two straws for these guys?

Oh, God.

I walked right past Marny
this morning

and I didn't say a word.

Oh, God.

Okay, what--
what am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

I'm gonna borrow these.

Excuse me, I need this.

All right, how's that look?
Right?

This looks cute, right?
This looks cute.

She's gonna love it, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
After that,

you can string together
some of these popcorns

and make a little necklace
to go with it.

Yeah,
she won't be able to tell

that I spent seven seconds
on her gift, right?

You don't think
she will, right? Okay.

Excuse me!
Dead man walking!

Excuse me!

♪ Life is how you live it ♪

♪ where you go
and where you wanna be ♪

♪ hey hey ♪

♪ you and me ♪

♪ we're happy ♪

♪ we need our friends ♪

♪ like the sun ♪

♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪

♪ everybody sing along ♪

♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪

[Boys shouting]
Come on.

Will you guys knock it off?

Oh, baby.

I am so sorry.

What are these for?

Well, each one represents
something that I love about you.

This one right here,

it represents your ability
to find humor in all situations.

Gary,
please stop being weird.

I don't have time for this,
all right?

I have to get the boys
to karate

and then I'm gonna
go into work for a bit.

Okay, so, uh, nothing
special...going on today?

Dinner tonight?

Let's just warm up
what you made last night.

I loved it.
Mwah.

Okay, let's go.

All right...

Cool.

She forgot.

Boys!

Your mama also forgot
our anniversary.

Daddy doesn't have to get
his own place in Hoboken!

Freddie is down for his nap

so tell me about
this girl of Chris's.

- How did they meet?
- I don't know.

- Well what does she do?
- I don't know.

- What's her name?
- I don't know.

- Is she pretty?
- Yes. That I asked.

That's it?
You are so useless, Nick.

You know I need details.

And yet, when my mother
tells you about her gout,

somehow there are
no follow-up questions.

I am getting Chris
down here.

You don't even know what
happened on their first date?

What did you and Daddy do
on your first date?

It was a perfect night.

Daddy took me to the Turtle Pond
in Central Park

where we had a picnic
and watched the sunset.

We fed those turtles
so many cheetos.

Then we walked aimlessly
around the park

until we stumbled upon
the Carousel.

It was closed, but your dad
convinced a security guard

to turn it on for us.

It was the most romantic evening
of my life.

Nick, did you put yogurt
in my fridge?

Yeah.
Yeah, you caught me.

And now it's your turn
to hide something

in my refrigerator.

Hey, you are not here
for him.

You are here for me.

Who is this new girl
you are dating?

Tell me everything.

What is her name?
How did you meet?

Uh, her name
is Jennifer Thomas.

I already like her
more than Sheila.

Hey, guys.

Guys, you won't believe
what just--

Emily.
You're in the room.

Fine. I am leaving.

I am gonna look Jennifer up
on Facebook.

Come on, sweetie.
Come help Mommy cyberstalk.

Hey, guys,
I'm not in trouble.

Marny also forgot
our anniversary.

- What?
- Yes.

And I didn't tell her.

She still doesn't know.

Oh, this is incredible.

You gotta do something.

You gotta do something
super romantic

that's gonna make her
feel so guilty

that she will spend
the rest of her life

trying to make it up to you.

Hey, hey, hey,
if you pull this off,

husbands will speak of your
legend until the end of time.

[Dramatic]
Gary.

Great. Great.

I'm gonna go
to Bloomingdales.

I'm gonna shop till I drop.

I'm entering!
Talk or don't talk.

It's my house.

Chris, she is adorable.

I love her.
I have to meet her.

Well, we can't because Chris
thinks that I'm too critical.

You know, actually,
I really like this girl

and there is nothing you can say
to screw this up for me.

You know what?
Here she is.

Come on, go ahead.

Take your best shot.

I dated your girlfriend.

What do you mean
you dated my girlfriend?

- We went out on a few dates.
- When?

I think it was before
you and I were married.

Were they...

Long dates?

Dude, just ask the question
that you want the answer to.

Did you sleep with her?

- No, no.
- Boring.

I've got some shopping
to do.

You know what?
This doesn't change anything.

Not gonna let something
that happened eight years ago

affect my relationship
with Jennifer.

In fact, why don't we have
a barbecue at my place

this weekend
so you guys can meet her.

Honey, you might want to brace
yourself for a catfight,

because if memory serves,
this girl is super into me.

But don't worry
because you got the prize.

Up top.

Up top, baby.

I'm just gonna keep it up here
till I get something.

Come on.
Yeah.

Ernie?

Is it my weekend
to watch you?

Did I leave you here?

Hi.

Oh, hey. Thank God.

Uh, wait, Sheila,
why are you in my apartment?

Well I joined a gym
a block over

because it has great daycare,

but I don't like
showering there.

Hey, the key you have
is for emergencies.

And it was an emergency.

I saw my dentist naked
in the locker room.

Oh, uh, hey,
who is Jennifer Thomas?

You have a lot of emails
from her.

Why are you reading
my emails?

Well if you leave your emails
open on the screen, Chris,

people are gonna read 'em.

What people?

This is my home,
not a Starbucks.

If she's going to be spending
time with Ernie,

then I need to sign off
on her.

Sheila, we're divorced.

We need boundaries, okay?

Uh, my emails are my own.

My dating life is my own.

My apartment is my own.

You know what?
I am keeping this, okay?

Either get a new gym
or get a new dentist.

[Marvin Gaye's
Let's Get It On playing]

♪ I've been
really trying, baby ♪

♪ trying to hold back
this feeling ♪

The twins are asleep.

♪ ♪

The boys are downstairs
at Nick and Emily's.

The night is ours.

Prosecco?

- Why are you all--
- Happy anniversary, honey.

Oh, my God.

I forgot.

[Dismissive chuckle]

You are so funny.

I am serious.

Oh, God, I am so sorry.

Everything is so beautiful.

I ca--

There is no way
I could feel any worse.

I got you these.

♪ ♪

Sapphire earrings?

I bought them
three months ago

at this little boutique
on Bleecker street.

Gary, I feel so terrible.

It's just a day.

A day that our two hearts
became one.

[Baby cries]

Oh, baby, that must be
a dirty diaper.

I'll go change it.

No, no, no, no.

I will take care of that.

No, sweetheart, let me.

It is the least I can do.

God, I love you!

♪ ♪

Yes, you do.

[Dramatic]
Gary.

Oh, Gary.
What are you doing?

I'm going to the movies.

Marny's allowing me
to do anything these days.

What are you guys up to?

We're just picking up
some wine

for Chris's barbecue tonight.

We're gonna loosen people up

so it won't be so awkward
when Jennifer sees me.

Who knows how into me
she was?

She clearly
never got married.

Did I ruin love for her?

Maybe.

Hey, Gary, saw you
through the window.

Oh, wow.

Everybody's here.

Uh, Jennifer
this is Gary and Emily.

- Hi.
- How are you?

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Hi.

And this is Nick,

who you might remember,
actually.

Hello, Jennifer.
[Chuckles]

Long time.

Long time since what?

Since--since we dated.

We did?

I don't remember you.

Nick.

Nick.
I'm Nick hayer.

I'm Nick Thayer.

I'm Nick--
I'm Nick Thayer.

Wow, this is embarrassing.

I just don't
remember you at all.

That just doesn't
seem possible.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, do not apologize.

This is amazing.

Okay, uh, see you guys--
see you guys tonight.

Bye.

Oh, poor girl.

She is obviously devastated.

Up top.

[Moans]

Ooh.

Oh, Marny, my scalp hasn't
tingled like this since...

12 years ago last Sunday,

when I watched you
walk down that aisle.

[Knock on door]

It's open.

Right there, fellas!

Oh...What?

You--no--
[Stammering]

My brain is so relaxed

I can't grasp
what's happening!

I know you were waiting
for black Friday

to get a TV on sale,
but I felt so bad

I wanted to get it
for you now.

Happy anniversary!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God this is
the best moment of my life!

Clarkie, Yoda,
you gotta see this!

Come in! Look!

Oh, my God!

Box!

You have
such handsome children.

I took that picture
at a rare moment

when none of them
had pinkeye.

- Hi, everybody.
All: Hey.

All right,
let's eat.

Hey, Emily.
Hi.

Who's your friend?
[All laugh]

It's funny because
she didn't remember you.

Hi, nice to see you again.

Jennifer,
it's good to see you again

from earlier this afternoon
in the summer of 2004.

[Phone rings]

Hello?

It's the credit card
company.

Yes.

I bought a TV today.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Tell 'em why.

[Slight laugh]

What do you mean
a lot of recent activity?

Bloomingdale's?

Uh-oh.

On what date?

Um, honey, hang up.
You're being rude.

So...

All of these items
were purchased

last Sunday afternoon?

Planning our anniversary
for months, huh?

Hey, you forgot
our anniversary too,

but I still
remembered first.

Actually,
Chris remembered first.

That's for laughing at me
in the store.

So you didn't even remember?

Chris remembered?

Marny,
why don't we just--

You made me feel terrible--
on purpose--

On my anniversary.

[Door slams]

Well, I guess
we're calling it a night.

Um, Marny
isn't feeling well.

It's her stomach.

Whew!

All right,
well, they're gone.

What do you guys say
we all scooch on in,

get to know each other
a little bit?

Oh, man, okay.

I'll ask the first question.

Jennifer,
do you often forget

the high moments
of your life?

Close your eyes and just
try and picture this, okay?

I was wearing
a sport coat with jeans--

I was the first guy
to do that.

I wish I could remember you
so this would stop.

Oh, don't stop.

I could do this all night.

You made no impression.

You are, like,
the opposite of E.T.

E.T. Made a very big impression
on those kids.

I was wearing big,
black motorcycle boots.

But you didn't have
a motorcycle.

Oh, no, you drove
a little green Vespa.

Wait, green Vespa.

You're green Vespa guy!

Yes!

We met at Tower Records.

Yes! Unforgettable!

Order is restored.

You took me on some picnic

in Central Park
at this Turtle Pond.

What?

I don't think--
I don't think that was me,

'cause I've act--I've never been
to Central Park before.

No, no, no,
I got it now.

We walked through the park
and you bribed a security guard

to let us ride
some old carousel.

It was so cheesy.
[Laughs]

So that was just
your go-to first date?

All this time,
I thought that night

was spontaneous
and special.

[Door slams]

So we're gonna
call it a night.

I don't think Emily
is feeling well.

There seems to be
a stomach thing going around.

Whatever you do,
don't stand right there.

That spot
makes women very angry.

Um, I am sorry about that.

Oh, that's okay.

At least now we're alone.

Oh! Oh, my God,
you're here.

How many keys
to my apartment do you have?

I'm sorry,
I'm looking for my phone.

Hi, I'm Sheila.
You must be Jennifer.

I've read so much about you.

What are you doing?

I don't deserve this.

It has to go back.

Every time
I watch Sportscenter,

all I see is Trey Wingo
staring at me saying,

"how could you, Gary?"

Well, do what you want.

It's yours.
I bought it for you.

No, no, no, no, no.
Come here, sweetheart.

Look, what I did
wasn't right and...

Baby, I'm sorry.

Stop.

You're just saying that
because you got caught.

Look,
for the sake of argument,

had you remembered first,

what would you have done?

Hmm?

I probably would have
milked it for all it was worth.

Yeah.

That's right,
because we are very similar.

Sweetheart,
we are a good couple.

We are.

Which is why we cannot forget
our anniversary again.

Yeah...
You're right.

Is it too late
to say "happy anniversary"?

No.

Happy anniversary,
sweetheart.

You are gonna return
those earrings, right?

Please.

Nick, you didn't
have to drag us

- all the way out here.
- Nope, nope.

I am gonna prove to you
that that night was special.

You see that security guard
right there?

That's the same guy that
was here all those years ago.

Phil, hi.

Would you mind telling my wife
what I said to you

eight years ago the night
I brought her here.

Who are you?

I am buying a name tag.
Okay.

If I was at all memorable,
he would tell you

that the night I brought you
here on our first date,

I looked at him and I said,

"do you see that girl
on the carousel?

One day, I'm gonna marry
that girl."

And yes, yes,
I might have come here

with some other girls,

but you were the last girl
that I came here with.

Phil.
Uh, what do you say...

We fire up the carousel
for old time's sake, huh?

[Carousel music starts up]

Climb aboard.

- Can I go on the white one?
- Yeah.

I wanna go
on the white one!

Yeah, I said yes.
There's nobody else here.

Found it!
Found your phone.

- Oh great.
- Here you go, so you can go now.

'Cause that's why you were here,
for your phone.

So you can--you can
just leave Ernie sleeping.

It's fine, just bye.
Okay, bye.

You know, I should probably
be heading home too.

My dog is going
to destroy my apartment.

So I will call you
in the morning?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.

Can you turn around
or something? Just--

- Bye.
- Bye.

Sheila, uh,
what happened tonight

can never happen again.

What? It worked out.

She's lovely,

and I approve.

I don't need you approval.

I don't need you storing food
in my fridge,

I don't need you butting into
my personal life anymore.

I wasn't trying to,
I was just stopping by.

Come on...

Okay.

It started out with the gym,
but then, you know,

I found out
you were dating her

and I just wanted
to make sure she was okay.

And she is.

And so here's my key.

Thank you.

I know you have more copies.

- Yes, I do.
- Yeah.