Guys with Kids (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Guys with Kids is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

Smith has the ball.
He's looking to pass it.

Gives it to Anthony.
Anthony may drive.

No, he kicks it off to Novak
for the three.

And it's good.

Bam.

Yeah.

Nick, I got
a serious parenting dilemma.

Talk to me.

Hey, hey, hold on.

Why do you only ever ask Nick
to solve



your parenting dilemmas?

He's got two kids.

I've got, like, four.

"Like, four." Yes, why
wouldn't I seek your counsel?

It's hard
to keep track, man.

I haven't slept
in six years.

I'm tired.

This morning,
I tried to put a shirt

on my legs
for five minutes.

I love you, kids, but you're
making daddy stupid.

What's your dilemma, Chris?

Well, it's time to feed Ernie,
and at this stage

in his development,
he needs to drink whole milk,

but the bar only has 2%.



What do I do?

You know what a dilemma is,
right, Chris?

A dilemma is having to decide
which of your rugby teammates

you're gonna eat
to stay alive.

Look, I just don't want
to screw up.

- Sheila already doesn't trust me.
- Stop. Stop. Okay?

Sheila doesn't get
to play into this.

You guys are divorced.

Ernie is your kid too.

You need to stand up
to her.

Yeah.
Your kid was wearing

a beret the other day.

That's not right.

I know. I try to stand up to her,
but it's pointless.

I can't win,
'cause she just says,

"He grew inside me,"

and boom,
argument's over,

Ernie can't watch Goodfellas with me.

You talking to me?

You talking to me,
goodfellas?

I don't know
what you're doing.

That's not a line
from anything.

Oh, my God.
Your baby's adorable.

Thank you.
Yeah.

- What's wrong with him?
- Hey.

Excuse me, excuse me.
Hi.

I'm sorry.
My friend here's a little rusty.

And I think
what he meant to say was,

"Thank you.
My name is Chris.

"I am single,
I'm a lawyer,

"And although I feel

"that stationery
is an appropriate gift

"to give to a close friend,

I'm a pretty cool guy, and I'd
love to buy you a drink."

That is what you meant
to say, right, Chris?

Yes.
That is what I meant to say.

And stationery
is a timeless gift.

Can we buy you a drink?

Sure.
Why not?

Oh, how could I say no
to that face?

Okay.
Smell check.

Yeah, we're good.

# Life is how you're living #

# ooh-ooh #

# wake up
where you want to be #

# hey, hey #

# you and me #

# we're happy #

# ooh-ooh #

# we need our friends
like the sun #

# why would you walk
when you can run? #

# everybody sing along #

# why would you walk
when you can run? #

Megan invited me
to the Knicks game.

Ooh, boom.

Boom.

Nicely done,
little wingman.

- Way to hook your dad up.
- Yeah.

That was my job
in college.

And like you I often had puke
on my shirt.

Huh?

Wait, wait, wait,

I can't go
to the game with Megan.

I have Ernie till Monday
this week.

Hey, figure it out.

You have a chance
to go to the Knicks game

with a beautiful woman.

I'm a stay-at-home dad
with four kids.

You know what I do every day?

I stay at home
with four kids

while Marny gets to go
to work,

and Clark,
he broke our TV.

Do you have any idea
how desperate

my situation is?
Look at me.

Look what you've done to me!

I'm all riled up!

Just get Sheila
to watch him.

No. No way.

If I tell Sheila
I have a date--

Stop. Stop.

She does not get to tell you
what to do any more.

We do.

And you're going.

Look, Chris, this is
why you moved into our building.

So we could look after you

and play with your life.

Hi, Ernie.

Sheila, how did you get
in my apartment?

I had a key made.

Did you hear that, Chris?

Your ex-wife had a key made
to your apartment.

Fun.
Normal.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm here
to make sure

that your apartment is safe
for our son.

Now I see that you've painted.

Is it lead-free?

No, it's lead-only.

I ordered it from the '50s.

Oh, I don't miss that.

And did you see
the abandoned well

that we dug in the bathroom?

Oh, I don't miss you.

Oh, hey, would you mind
watching Ernie

- for a bit tomorrow?
- Why?

I have a date.

A date.

- Yes.
- Then no.

Right.
Right, 'cause, God forbid

I actually move on
with my life--

Or is it maybe that I have
a date myself, Chris?

- You have a date?
- Yes, I do.

With, like, a man?

Okay.
Go away, Nick.

- Good-bye, Nick.
- Bye, Sheila.

This is the scary lady
I was telling you about.

Come on,
you don't really have a date.

You're just jealous
that I have one.

No, I do, Chris.

I have a date with a very tall
and attractive man no less,

a very tall and attractive
professional athlete man.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

You have a date
with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

- Yes.
- How'd you meet?

J-Date.

Okay, fine,
fine, don't help.

- I'll just get a babysitter.
- No, no, no, no.

Chris, no babysitters.
We've talked about this.

They just throw your kid
in front of a TV

and talk on their phone
while drinking your wine

and making bathtub meth
with your cold medicine.

- Sheila, look, I'm sure--
- Chris, he grew inside me.

Fine.
You win again.

Thank you.
Okay. Hi, Ernie.

Oh.
I will see you on Monday.

Okay?
Be good.

- Okay, here you go.
- Hi, buddy.

Okay.

Ernie,

I am getting you
a babysitter.

And Mommy is gonna like it

because she's not gonna know
about it.

Hello.

Come in.

Hey, guys.

Glad I caught you
at home.

I'm always at home.

Right, so can I get the name
of your babysitter?

Babysitter?

Yeah, you know,
someone you pay to come over

and watch your kids
while you have fun.

Fun?

Oh, yeah, you remember fun.

That thing we used to have
before all this magic

came into our lives.

So just the name
of your babysitter.

Do you really think
we have the disposable income

to pay people
to watch these kids?

There are four of them.

They have bled us dry.

They broke the TV, man.

We have nothing.

That means
you have nothing too.

Mommy!

Hey, how was
the princess party?

Fun.

Daddy, chase me.

Okay.
Here I come.

I'm chasing you.

Oh, remember, we have
that ridiculous fundraiser

at Violet's school
tomorrow night.

Oh, no.

What's the theme this year?

"Set sail for a night
of fun and dancing

aboard the ship of dreams--
the Titanic."

And what happens
at the end of the night?

You hog a piece of driftwood

that could easily accommodate
the both of us?

Hey, Ernie.

I hear you have a hot date
tomorrow night.

- I do.
- Ooh.

I hope she's condescending
like Sheila

'cause I miss feeling badly

about my clothes
and education.

- All right.
- I went to Colgate.

That is a good school.

She can't hurt us here.
Okay?

Megan seems great,
but Sheila won't watch Ernie,

so I need a babysitter.

Sheila's cool with you
getting a sitter?

No, couldn't be less cool with it.

Going behind her back.

Oh, have Carleen watch him.

Babies love her.

She's got big,

squishy grandma boobs.

Yeah.
Kids sink into 'em

like they're made
out of nerf.

Perfect.

So what are you gonna wear
on your date?

Uh...
I was thinking this.

No. No. Okay, I'm gonna take
you shopping tomorrow,

unless you're gonna take her out
to a Christian rock concert.

Can I help you gentlemen
find anything?

Yeah, hi,

my friend here is
recently divorced,

and he's got a hot date
in a few hours,

and he needs to look...

Better than this.

Yes, I understand.
I'll pull a few things.

Guys, I'm really glad
you pushed me.

I'm getting a sitter.
I'm going on a date.

This is big. I feel
like I'm moving on with my life.

Clarky.

Don't you put that
in your underwear.

Don't.

Well, looks
like I'm buying a tie.

Wait.
No, what?

Your sitter
just cancelled on me.

Tipoff's in, like, two hours.
What am I gonna do?

Okay. All right.
We're not gonna panic, right?

We're gonna figure this out.

We are the same two guys
who figured out

how to get back from Cancun

with no clothes
and no passports.

- We called your mom.
- Yeah.

And if necessary,
we will call her again.

Forget it.
It's a sign.

I'm not supposed
to go on this date.

Sheila didn't want me
getting a sitter anyway.

Hey, hey,
you are not gonna bail.

I will watch Ernie.
You are going on your date.

All right.
That's settled.

Clarky.

That's a shoehorn, buddy.

That doesn't go there.

Ernie, are you ready to tap
dance on the edge of insanity?

Huh?

Hey, Ernie.

Is Chris here?

No, Carleen cancelled
on him,

so I am gonna take care--

wow.

You look...

Like you are going somewhere.

Nick, we have
Violet's school thing.

I was under the impression
you did not want to go to that.

- I was looking forward to it.
- You said it seemed ridiculous.

- That's not the point.
- What is the point?

Do you need me to explain
what the point is?

Maybe just this one time.

Okay,

I know
how to make this better.

I do.

Do you want to watch
our wedding video?

'Cause I'm almost done
editing that.

Oh, my God.

Emily!

Don't judge me.

How many relationships
have you made work?

Huh?
Yeah?

Nick just doesn't get it.

He goes off to work,
and I am with the kids all day.

Believe me,

I know, and then, when you
do finally wind them down,

they come back in and wind them
right back up

and then have to take
an "emergency" call from work.

Just when it's bath time.

Just when it's
bath time.

Oh, yes,
I'm horrible.

I always tell you,

staying home with the kids

is the hardest job
in the world.

And I love it.

But tonight I wanted

to board the lame Titanic

and wear
these awesome elbow gloves

and eat something other
than dinosaur chicken nuggets.

Ooh, but how good
are those?

He just doesn't understand
what my life is like.

I get it.

You know, I see it with Gary.

How this man does it,
I don't know.

He is a saint.

Mm-hmm.

And once in a while
he needs a break.

- That's right.
- And so do you.

You're dressed up to go out,
so I'm taking you out.

- What?
- Get up. Let's go.

Marny, you're a life saver.

- Bye, Gary.
- What?

Yoda, pick up the chips, man.

Boy, if I had on the--

Okay, kids, my wife may not
be taking my phone calls,

but I refuse to let that ruin
your good time.

And so, Freddie,
welcome to the octagon!

Yes, you will--

We don't like the octagon!

Okay.

Because of you,
I just got stuck

in my apartment on a Sunday
with all four kids.

- How's that my fault?
- Because my wife

and your wife--
does that TV work?

Oh, my God, we--
we're saved.

Clark, Yoda,
come for a prayer.

I keep it
at my parents' house.

Wow. I've never gone
on a date with a girl

who's caught a marlin.

Clearly that
is what your mistake has been.

Uh, it's my ex-wife.

You're not gonna pick that up,
right?

Go ahead.
I don't mind.

Hi, Sheila.
What's up?

Chris. You weren't answering
your phone.

I'm a little worried
about Ernie.

- Oh, he's fine.
- Let's go, Knicks!

Who is that?

Are you at the Knicks game?

I said no babysitters.

- Who is watching Ernie?
- Me. I am.

So, if I go over
to your apartment right now,

- you'll be there?
- What's she saying?

Yeah.
Yeah, at home.

Where else would I be?

All right.

We'll see.

Everything okay?

Yeah, I just need
to make a quick call.

# I came to dance,
dance, dance, dance #

Granted, the school function
sounded like a stupid event,

but that's not the point.

See, that's exactly
what she said.

What is the point?

The point,
my tall, idiotic friend,

is that she doesn't care
about the event.

She wants a night out.

Dinner, dancing,

her man dressed in a suit.

Adult stuff.

You're right.
I'm an idiot.

Yeah, that's what
I've been saying.

# We gonna rock this club,
we gonna go all night #

Nick, where are you?

Sheila is on her way over.

She has a key.
Bolt the door.

Why isn't he answering?

What if something happened
to Ernie?

I'm sure everything's fine.

Maybe.
You hear stories.

Megan, I'm so sorry.

I got to go.

Halvsies on some nachos?

Who are you?

Wow.
You're right.

This is so much easier
than a bathtub.

Yeah, the idea came to me
when I was rinsing off

a rotisserie chicken
I recently dropped on the floor.

- Where's Ernie?
- What are you doing here?

Oh, thank God
you're okay.

Why didn't you pick up
your phone?

'Cause I was dancing
with Gary.

Okay, everything's fine.

Sheila's not here.
I made it.

What'd you guys do
to my apartment?

We got to clean this place up

and get you guys out of here
before--

Why is my son in a sink?

Well, I recently dropped
a rotisserie chicken

on the floor...

Chris, what is wrong
with you?

We specifically said
no babysitters.

Come on, Sheila.

We're gonna be late.

You really had a date
with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

Yes, Chris.
I do not lie.

Hi, I am just a huge fan
of yours.

Um, and I actually have to go
patch things up with my wife,

but I was wondering if,
before I go,

I could get a photograph of you
pretending to dunk my son?

Sure.

That's a cool idea.
Do mine too.

No.
No one's dunking any babies.

- Why?
- Because it's a bad idea.

How is it a bad idea?
It's awesome.

- Chris, I said no.
- Okay, you can't just say no

without having a good reason.

I do have a good reason--

Grew inside me.

I don't care
where he grew.

Woo.
Here we go.

Hold on.
Wait for me.

Excuse me?

I ruined my date tonight

because I let you
make me crazy,

and I'm not letting you
do that any more.

I am in charge of Ernie,
not you,

so you're just gonna have

to start trusting
my decisions, okay?

I'm Ernie's dad,
and I know what I'm doing.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,
dunk my baby.

No.
Do not dunk that baby.

- Dunk the baby.
- Dunk the baby.

Dunk it.
Then dunk me.

Whoo.

You got it?

Oh, it's perfect.

Yeah.

Okay, hi, sweetheart.
Hi, hi, hi.

Are you happy?

Did you prove your point?

Yeah. Yes.
As a matter of fact, I did.

Ernie's totally fine.

Just like he always is
with me.

Look, Sheila, raising a kid
is hard enough

and then being divorced
on top of that--

we have to start working
together for Ernie's sake.

You're right.
Okay.

Hi.
Hi.

You can pick him up tomorrow.

- Go enjoy your date.
- Okay.

Okay, good-bye,
my little prince.

I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you,

I will see you tomorrow,
okay?

And I will think only of you
until then.

What about me?

Yeah, what about you?

I cannot believe
you dunked my son.

Listen, Sheila,
this is our first date.

You got to chill out
a little bit.

No, you need to chill out,
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Way to go, man.
You slayed the dragon.

You know, it is fun
playing with your life.

Nick?

What is all this?

This is the deck
of the Titanic.

# #

The year is 1912,

passengers are huddled together
for warmth,

death hangs in the air.

- And what's that?
- Ooh, haven't you heard?

That is an iceberg.

We've hit it.

Now I know that we're
slowly taking on water

and hundreds of poor people
are drowning belowdecks,

but I would be honored
if I could have this dance.

I married
a crazy person.

So do you forgive me?

If I must.

Well, then,
this is for you.

Oh, it's beautiful.

It's the largest diamond
in the world.

And it's filled
with lip gloss.

I love you.

I love you too.

Hey, baby.

Oh, boy,
she's back.

You are a good man.

Oh, baby,
I am a tired man.

Correction:
I'm a wide-awake man

with a slightly inebriated wife.

What are you doing in there?

- Let us in!
- Go away!

This is all we have any more!

Hurry before they
pick the lock.

Hey, Sheila.

Nah, I'm just sitting here
watching Goodfellas.

No, of course not.
Ernie's been in bed for an hour.

Okay, I'm sure
we'll talk tomorrow.

Okay, we used
to love each other. Bye.

I mean, I found it funny.
Okay, bye.

We used to love each other.

Haven't heard from Megan,
so I guess we can assume

I blew that,
but you know what?

Doesn't matter.
It's okay.

As long as I got you,
I'm good.

Sons before buns,
little man.

We're gonna be okay.

Unlike Joe Pesci
in about three, two, one...