Guys with Kids (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 12 - Marny's Dad - full transcript
"Guys with Kids" is taped
in front of a live studio audience.
Hey! Hey...
Babe, the place looks great
for your parents' visit.
Wow.
Got your mom some flowers.
She loves me.
Ha ha.
She did a painting of me
in her art class.
She called it "My Sugar."
Oh, I know.
But unfortunately,
my mom's not gonna be able
to make it this time.
What?
No Vivian?
But your dad is receiving
an award from his law school.
How--how could
she do this to him?
And me?
You know I can't handle
your father without your mother.
Gary, I don't know
how many times
I have to tell you this,
baby.
My dad loves you.
It's all in your head,
like how you think
the gap purposefully makes jeans
that don't look good on you.
Baby, whenever
I'm with your father
I can feel his contempt.
Then I get self-conscious,
and then my hands
start moving around
like they took a tai chi class
and didn't tell me about it.
Where's Vivian?
How could she do this to me?
Vivian!
See, right there.
That's the problem.
What?
You're always hiding
behind my mom.
You've never really made
an effort to connect with him.
He has a lot
of great interests.
He loves boats,
anything to do
with the space program.
Baby, this is
the perfect opportunity
for you two to bond.
My dad's got
a tough demeanor, yes,
but underneath all that
he's a sweetheart.
All right, how long
is he coming for?
Five days.
Five days!
Vivian!
♪ Why would you walk
when you can run? ♪
♪ everybody singin' ♪
♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪
I've come to return
your jogging stroller.
It turns out our clothes dry
much faster on the treadmill.
How was your date
the other day?
Was she aggressive?
'Cause I hear single girls
are really aggressive
these days.
How come you never ask me
about my dates?
Actually,
she bailed on me,
but I already had the tickets,
so I took--
Me.
No!
Chris, when it scratches
on the door,
you're not supposed
to let it in.
You make marshmallows
look tan.
Your ex-wife was your date
to the concert?
Relax, it was not a date.
Yeah, definitely not.
Did you share a cab?
We live
in the same building.
Did you take her to dinner?
We both had to eat.
Did you walk her
to her door?
Uh...
Did you or did you not
walk her to her door?
- Oh, my God!
- We went on a date!
Why would you guys
do that?
I don't know.
It wasn't intentional.
Dating is hard.
Yeah,
men are intimidated by me.
Is it my brains?
My courage?
Both?
Okay, Chris,
let us set you up.
Yes,
we are great matchmakers.
Oh, and, Sheila, we might know
someone for you too.
Oh, that's nice,
but I don't know
how you would know
someone I'd like.
You already tried this
in college, Nick.
You set me up five times.
Each time, the woman
was well over 6 feet tall.
Those were jokes.
They were joke dates.
And you gotta admit,
as they got taller,
it got funnier.
All right,
this is serious.
We will not let you down.
Okay, but nobody
over 6'5" this time, got it?
I mean, quite honestly,
if it's funny,
I'm gonna do it.
Grandpa, I feel it.
I feel the bullet.
Me too.
Why did that man shoot you?
A couple of reasons.
I'm a judge,
and someone unplugged
the metal detector
so they could charge
their iPhone.
Aunt Emily,
you have to feel the bullet.
Come on, do it!
Oh, that's so cool!
Look at him,
letting our friends
touch his leg.
There's nothing
to be afraid of.
You said you would
talk to him.
Talk to him.
So, Judge, you pick up
that new boating magazine?
You know, there's a--
there's a big article in there
about, uh...
Um, boats.
Huh?
Nothing.
What was that?
I promised her I'd make
an effort towards her father
even though
I know he hates me.
He doesn't hate you.
Guys, would you please
talk some sense into him?
Oh, yeah, I mean,
Marny's right,
the judge is great.
He sent me a birthday card.
It said "have a good one."
And I did,
thanks to that card.
Okay, I got this.
All right.
Uh...
How 'bout that guy
that jumped from outer space?
What guy is that, Gary?
Uh, you know, the guy--
he, uh...
You know, he went up
on that balloon,
and he just went up
and then...
Pffft.
He wasn't in space.
He was at the edge
of the atmosphere.
If he had been in space,
he would have floated away,
right?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
Uh...
Houston,
we have a problem.
That's space talk, right?
You ever been to Houston?
I hear it's muggy.
Uh, come on, baby.
Let's go check on dinner.
Let's not hit him with
too much Gary all at once.
Chris, since
the last time I saw you,
I hear you made partner.
Yeah, that's true.
And not to brag, but I am
the 37th-youngest person
at my firm to have done so.
A lawyer
and a commercial director.
Because of that ad
you made, Nick,
I switched from soap
to body wash.
I'm just glad
you're thinking about me
in the shower, Judge.
Well, you guys
are doing great.
Professional,
hardworking fathers.
Well, we take
our inspiration from Gary.
Hardest-working father
we know.
That was an amazing segue.
I was working on something.
You got there in one move.
I hear there's water
on Mars now,
so I guess
they'll be needing boats.
Ten years
and I still don't get him.
Just one time,
I'd like to visit
without that guy
staring at me.
Sir, if I could
be honest with you,
I think that Gary's
just nervous around you.
He's got this crazy idea
in his head
that for some reason,
you just don't like him.
He's right.
I don't like him.
- You don't?
- I just don't respect him.
- But, sir, Gary is an amazing--
- Ah, don't try and change my mind.-
it was my job for 30 years
to judge people.
I know what I'm doing.
My verdict on Gary:
He's not much of a man.
Now how can you say that?
All right, who's hungry?
My dad actually said
that he doesn't like Gary?
And has no respect
for him. None.
What?
That's the new information.
That can't be right.
- It is right.
- No.
You have a blind spot
where your father's concerned.
He can do no wrong
in your eyes.
Other people shoot him,
you know?
He cannot treat you
this way.
I'm going over
to his hotel room right now
to set him straight.
Oh, yeah,
he'll respect me more
if you run over there
and tell pop-pop
he made a boo-boo
on my feelings.
All right, you know,
I'd love to see him handle
four screaming kids.
Now there's an idea.
Stick him with all four
of your kids for ten minutes,
he's gonna want to take
that bullet out of his leg
and put it in his head.
I am telling you,
Jess from my spin class
is the perfect girl
for Chris.
They both say things
are "too funny."
I already have
the perfect girl for Chris,
Erica from work.
And why would your Erica
be better than my Jess?
Jess drives a car
that runs on vegetable oil.
That is very interesting.
Because I have a gift.
Admit it, I am the real
matchmaker between us.
Where did
you get that from?
Ahh!
Ahh!
Okay, you think
it's all you?
How 'bout we set Chris up
with both Jess and Erica
and see how each date goes?
Then we can determine
who the real matchmaker is.
Oh, it's on.
What are the rules?
Two identical dates.
Same restaurant,
same table, same seats.
We attend both.
Chris pays.
We're lending him our talent.
Absolutely.
If the date
touches his arm,
that's two points.
Oh, a point structure.
I like that.
If she touches his leg,
that's five points.
First base, 15.
Ooh.
How many points would
our first date have been?
Like, 1,000.
Eh, don't feel bad.
We knew.
Thank you so much
for getting us together.
Oh, it's just
what a great matchmaker does.
I can't believe we both
went to Camp Oscawana.
Who knew we had
so much in common?
I did.
I knew.
Did you know Chris' pants
are a blend
of wool and cashmere?
Wow.
Touched the knee.
Five points, moi.
Did you know
that Chris has a kid
that he loves
more than anyone?
Are you comfortable never being
more than a distant second
in his heart?
I get it.
I'm a single parent too.
My little cutie-pie's name
is Doug.
Oh, my son is Ernie.
How old is Doug?
41.
41?
In cat years.
Doug is a cat.
Doug is a cat.
Doug is a cat!
Yes, that you think
is a baby.
Okay, I love this.
Yes, tell me everything
about Doug.
Do you have pictures?
Yes.
Here's Doug
at the renaissance fair.
Renaissance fair!
He's in
a tiny suit of armor.
No!
How many points is that?
- Negative ten.
- Negative ten.
Meow, meow.
Meow, meow.
Meow, meow, meow.
There is no bottom
in sight.
How long you gonna leave
my dad alone with the kids?
Uh, an hour should do it.
Make it two.
I wanna teach him
no one hates my husband.
Hmm.
Except for Natalie
at the park.
Hey, if you don't
discipline your child,
I will do it for you.
All right.
Mwah.
So just me and you.
Oh, no, I forgot.
I thought we were gonna
have such a great time
to talk about space boats,
but I realize I have
to get diapers for the kids,
which means I'm gonna have
to take all four kids,
and it's cold out, which means
the kids will get sick,
then I'll get sick,
then Marny gets sick,
then you'll get sick,
and there's no solution
to this problem.
You want me to babysit
the kids for you?
You think
you can handle that?
Yes, I think
I can handle it.
Okay, great.
There you go.
Ah, come on,
let's go up there.
And another one.
Collect 'em all.
All right, come over here
and talk to my boys
and let them know how
I expect them to behave
while I'm gone.
Listen, boys, I'm leaving you
here with your grandfather,
and this is
what I need you to do.
I'm gonna need you
to eat all of this sugar.
All right?
I'm gonna need you to be
on your worst behavior.
I mean, I'm talking at
your cousin's baptism behavior.
You got it?
All right, eat up.
All right.
Oh, one last thing.
These are bad
for their teeth.
Wait, wait, wait, Gary.
Sorry, diapers.
Nope. Bye.
Have fun!
Whoo!
- Shh shh shh.
- Agh!
All right, all right,
everybody calm down.
Leave your grand--
What's going on?
Nothing.
Everything's fine.
They've been
on their best behavior.
You've been on your best
behavior with your grandpa?
What did I tell you?
We're sorry, Dad.
We couldn't help it.
Grandpa's the best.
You know what?
I will deal with you two later.
Come on, go.
What was that all about?
Why wouldn't you want them
to be on their
best behavior with me?
All right, fine,
look, the truth is I wanted you
to see how hard it was
to be a stay-at-home dad.
Why would you do that?
Because
you don't respect me
because I stay home
while your daughter works.
Wait, you think that's why
I don't respect you?
That's ridiculous.
The reason
I don't respect you
is because
you don't respect me.
- What?
- You know what?
Vivian never wanted me
to say anything,
but she's not here,
so I'm just gonna do it.
You never came to me
and asked my permission
to marry my daughter,
like a man should.
How can I respect that?
I'm going back
to my hotel room
and finish watching
(500) Days of Summer.
I cannot believe you
survived a shark attack.
I've got 17 stitches
under here
and another 30
behind the knee.
Wow.
Peek under the shirt.
That's gotta be worth
at least 40 points.
You know, I would just like
to make a toast to Nick
for setting this all up.
A toast.
Five points.
Plus a dreamy look.
That's another seven points.
Times two
for the combination.
Um, Erica,
I have an extra ticket
to go see Book of Mormon
next Friday.
I was wondering if you'd
like to come with me.
Oh, um, well, thanks,
but no.
- Oh.
- What?
Tonight was nice, and you
seem like a really great guy,
but I'm just
at that point in my life
where I'm getting
a little older,
and I don't wanna waste time
and talk myself
into things I don't want.
And the truth is,
you're just a little
too hairy for me.
You know,
if you still want
to go to Book of Mormon
as friends...
I do not.
He could shave,
you know?
Let me take him home,
shave him tonight,
we'll do this whole thing
again tomorrow.
Game over.
Too hairy.
How did it go?
Were the kids merciless?
No, we raised them
too well.
They're only merciless
with us.
But I did
get to the bottom of it.
Your dad doesn't like me
because I never asked him
for permission to marry you.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
That's crazy!
You didn't ask him
because I told you not to.
I hate the idea of fathers
marrying off their daughters.
He can't give me away.
I'm not a goat.
No, you're not.
You're a tigress.
Gary, we are not
having sex right now.
Eh, thought
I'd give it a shot.
You know, I'm feeling
a little frustrated.
Chris, come on.
We cannot figure out the points.
Help us settle this thing.
Who won?
My girl, who you liked--
Who thinks
you're a sasquatch.
Or my girl--
Who texted you a photo
of her pretending
to breast-feed her cat.
Guys, stop, okay?
Nobody won tonight,
and the only loser here is me.
So I'm glad
that you have each other
and that you're having fun
with my life,
but I'm not.
Wow.
You're really
bumming me out right now.
Chris, we are so sorry.
You are absolutely right.
We do want you to find someone
that makes you happy.
Thank you.
We do. We do.
But I also want you
to find someone
that will benefit me
in some way,
like a doctor
or a local bartender.
You know, I cannot pay $20
for a drink anymore.
I won't pay $20.
All right, I'm here.
What couldn't you
have told me on the phone?
I'm taking you on a journey
back to 2002.
♪ My baby
don't mess around ♪
♪ because she loves me so ♪
♪ and this I know for sure ♪
Gary, what's going on?
Where's Marny?
Where are the kids?
Well, I don't have
any kids.
Marny and I
aren't even married yet.
It's 2002, remember?
Jimmy Carter just won
the Nobel peace prize,
we lost
musician Joe Strummer,
and I'm ten years away
from looking up those facts
on Wikipedia.
Is there a point
you're trying to make?
Yes.
I'm going back to the year
that I fell madly in love
with your daughter,
a remarkable woman whose
mix of brains and attitude
scared the crap outta me.
But I knew I had
to make her my wife.
Uh-huh.
Go on.
Well, Mr. Baines,
as you know,
Marny and I
are getting pretty serious,
so I reckon that one day--
You reckon?
Come on, man,
I've never done this before.
I know.
Sir, I love your daughter.
She's my best friend,
and I'm a better person
with her in my life,
and I will do
everything within my power
to keep her safe and happy.
So I'm here to ask
for her hand in marriage.
Mr. Baines,
will you grant me permission
to marry your daughter?
No.
Come on, man,
what do you mean no?
- No.
- No?
Hey, hey.
What's going on here?
I just asked your father
permission to marry you
and he told me no.
Gary, I told you
I didn't want you
to ask for his permission.
Not then, not now,
not ever.
Wait, you told him
not to ask me?
Yeah.
I'm not yours to give away.
I'm not a goat.
No, she's a tigress.
It's just
a sign of respect.
Dad, I'm sorry
that it hurt your feelings,
but it's not
what I wanted.
What I admire
about you the most
is that while you're
the very definition
of old-fashioned,
you raised your daughters
to be as strong
and independent as any man.
Hmm.
And I love you for that.
Well, I am a good father.
The best.
Top two.
Gary...
You could have told me
she told you not to,
but you didn't,
because you put
Marny's feelings over mine,
and I have to respect that.
Thank you.
So you like me now?
I said I respect you now.
That's good enough, Dad.
Judge.
Judge Dad?
Judge Judge.
I miss Vivian.
You know, let's not
leave her at home next time.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey, come here.
Come here!
Yeah!
Ah.
Now he has
a little cold tonight,
so have fun
trying to get to sleep.
Still be more fun
than my dates.
Oh, well, don't give up.
Remember our first date
wasn't so great.
The picnic? Ew.
That's right.
Oh, and then
we got divorced.
Listen, Chris,
as hard as dating is,
we can't give up.
There is someone out there
who will love you
the way you deserve.
Thanks.
"And there's someone
out there for you too,"
is what you were
supposed to say.
Um, there's somebody
out there--
- okay, no, no, it's too late.
Have a good night.
Although you won't,
because he also
has a tooth coming in.
So bye-bye.
Ha ha.
in front of a live studio audience.
Hey! Hey...
Babe, the place looks great
for your parents' visit.
Wow.
Got your mom some flowers.
She loves me.
Ha ha.
She did a painting of me
in her art class.
She called it "My Sugar."
Oh, I know.
But unfortunately,
my mom's not gonna be able
to make it this time.
What?
No Vivian?
But your dad is receiving
an award from his law school.
How--how could
she do this to him?
And me?
You know I can't handle
your father without your mother.
Gary, I don't know
how many times
I have to tell you this,
baby.
My dad loves you.
It's all in your head,
like how you think
the gap purposefully makes jeans
that don't look good on you.
Baby, whenever
I'm with your father
I can feel his contempt.
Then I get self-conscious,
and then my hands
start moving around
like they took a tai chi class
and didn't tell me about it.
Where's Vivian?
How could she do this to me?
Vivian!
See, right there.
That's the problem.
What?
You're always hiding
behind my mom.
You've never really made
an effort to connect with him.
He has a lot
of great interests.
He loves boats,
anything to do
with the space program.
Baby, this is
the perfect opportunity
for you two to bond.
My dad's got
a tough demeanor, yes,
but underneath all that
he's a sweetheart.
All right, how long
is he coming for?
Five days.
Five days!
Vivian!
♪ Why would you walk
when you can run? ♪
♪ everybody singin' ♪
♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪
I've come to return
your jogging stroller.
It turns out our clothes dry
much faster on the treadmill.
How was your date
the other day?
Was she aggressive?
'Cause I hear single girls
are really aggressive
these days.
How come you never ask me
about my dates?
Actually,
she bailed on me,
but I already had the tickets,
so I took--
Me.
No!
Chris, when it scratches
on the door,
you're not supposed
to let it in.
You make marshmallows
look tan.
Your ex-wife was your date
to the concert?
Relax, it was not a date.
Yeah, definitely not.
Did you share a cab?
We live
in the same building.
Did you take her to dinner?
We both had to eat.
Did you walk her
to her door?
Uh...
Did you or did you not
walk her to her door?
- Oh, my God!
- We went on a date!
Why would you guys
do that?
I don't know.
It wasn't intentional.
Dating is hard.
Yeah,
men are intimidated by me.
Is it my brains?
My courage?
Both?
Okay, Chris,
let us set you up.
Yes,
we are great matchmakers.
Oh, and, Sheila, we might know
someone for you too.
Oh, that's nice,
but I don't know
how you would know
someone I'd like.
You already tried this
in college, Nick.
You set me up five times.
Each time, the woman
was well over 6 feet tall.
Those were jokes.
They were joke dates.
And you gotta admit,
as they got taller,
it got funnier.
All right,
this is serious.
We will not let you down.
Okay, but nobody
over 6'5" this time, got it?
I mean, quite honestly,
if it's funny,
I'm gonna do it.
Grandpa, I feel it.
I feel the bullet.
Me too.
Why did that man shoot you?
A couple of reasons.
I'm a judge,
and someone unplugged
the metal detector
so they could charge
their iPhone.
Aunt Emily,
you have to feel the bullet.
Come on, do it!
Oh, that's so cool!
Look at him,
letting our friends
touch his leg.
There's nothing
to be afraid of.
You said you would
talk to him.
Talk to him.
So, Judge, you pick up
that new boating magazine?
You know, there's a--
there's a big article in there
about, uh...
Um, boats.
Huh?
Nothing.
What was that?
I promised her I'd make
an effort towards her father
even though
I know he hates me.
He doesn't hate you.
Guys, would you please
talk some sense into him?
Oh, yeah, I mean,
Marny's right,
the judge is great.
He sent me a birthday card.
It said "have a good one."
And I did,
thanks to that card.
Okay, I got this.
All right.
Uh...
How 'bout that guy
that jumped from outer space?
What guy is that, Gary?
Uh, you know, the guy--
he, uh...
You know, he went up
on that balloon,
and he just went up
and then...
Pffft.
He wasn't in space.
He was at the edge
of the atmosphere.
If he had been in space,
he would have floated away,
right?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
Uh...
Houston,
we have a problem.
That's space talk, right?
You ever been to Houston?
I hear it's muggy.
Uh, come on, baby.
Let's go check on dinner.
Let's not hit him with
too much Gary all at once.
Chris, since
the last time I saw you,
I hear you made partner.
Yeah, that's true.
And not to brag, but I am
the 37th-youngest person
at my firm to have done so.
A lawyer
and a commercial director.
Because of that ad
you made, Nick,
I switched from soap
to body wash.
I'm just glad
you're thinking about me
in the shower, Judge.
Well, you guys
are doing great.
Professional,
hardworking fathers.
Well, we take
our inspiration from Gary.
Hardest-working father
we know.
That was an amazing segue.
I was working on something.
You got there in one move.
I hear there's water
on Mars now,
so I guess
they'll be needing boats.
Ten years
and I still don't get him.
Just one time,
I'd like to visit
without that guy
staring at me.
Sir, if I could
be honest with you,
I think that Gary's
just nervous around you.
He's got this crazy idea
in his head
that for some reason,
you just don't like him.
He's right.
I don't like him.
- You don't?
- I just don't respect him.
- But, sir, Gary is an amazing--
- Ah, don't try and change my mind.-
it was my job for 30 years
to judge people.
I know what I'm doing.
My verdict on Gary:
He's not much of a man.
Now how can you say that?
All right, who's hungry?
My dad actually said
that he doesn't like Gary?
And has no respect
for him. None.
What?
That's the new information.
That can't be right.
- It is right.
- No.
You have a blind spot
where your father's concerned.
He can do no wrong
in your eyes.
Other people shoot him,
you know?
He cannot treat you
this way.
I'm going over
to his hotel room right now
to set him straight.
Oh, yeah,
he'll respect me more
if you run over there
and tell pop-pop
he made a boo-boo
on my feelings.
All right, you know,
I'd love to see him handle
four screaming kids.
Now there's an idea.
Stick him with all four
of your kids for ten minutes,
he's gonna want to take
that bullet out of his leg
and put it in his head.
I am telling you,
Jess from my spin class
is the perfect girl
for Chris.
They both say things
are "too funny."
I already have
the perfect girl for Chris,
Erica from work.
And why would your Erica
be better than my Jess?
Jess drives a car
that runs on vegetable oil.
That is very interesting.
Because I have a gift.
Admit it, I am the real
matchmaker between us.
Where did
you get that from?
Ahh!
Ahh!
Okay, you think
it's all you?
How 'bout we set Chris up
with both Jess and Erica
and see how each date goes?
Then we can determine
who the real matchmaker is.
Oh, it's on.
What are the rules?
Two identical dates.
Same restaurant,
same table, same seats.
We attend both.
Chris pays.
We're lending him our talent.
Absolutely.
If the date
touches his arm,
that's two points.
Oh, a point structure.
I like that.
If she touches his leg,
that's five points.
First base, 15.
Ooh.
How many points would
our first date have been?
Like, 1,000.
Eh, don't feel bad.
We knew.
Thank you so much
for getting us together.
Oh, it's just
what a great matchmaker does.
I can't believe we both
went to Camp Oscawana.
Who knew we had
so much in common?
I did.
I knew.
Did you know Chris' pants
are a blend
of wool and cashmere?
Wow.
Touched the knee.
Five points, moi.
Did you know
that Chris has a kid
that he loves
more than anyone?
Are you comfortable never being
more than a distant second
in his heart?
I get it.
I'm a single parent too.
My little cutie-pie's name
is Doug.
Oh, my son is Ernie.
How old is Doug?
41.
41?
In cat years.
Doug is a cat.
Doug is a cat.
Doug is a cat!
Yes, that you think
is a baby.
Okay, I love this.
Yes, tell me everything
about Doug.
Do you have pictures?
Yes.
Here's Doug
at the renaissance fair.
Renaissance fair!
He's in
a tiny suit of armor.
No!
How many points is that?
- Negative ten.
- Negative ten.
Meow, meow.
Meow, meow.
Meow, meow, meow.
There is no bottom
in sight.
How long you gonna leave
my dad alone with the kids?
Uh, an hour should do it.
Make it two.
I wanna teach him
no one hates my husband.
Hmm.
Except for Natalie
at the park.
Hey, if you don't
discipline your child,
I will do it for you.
All right.
Mwah.
So just me and you.
Oh, no, I forgot.
I thought we were gonna
have such a great time
to talk about space boats,
but I realize I have
to get diapers for the kids,
which means I'm gonna have
to take all four kids,
and it's cold out, which means
the kids will get sick,
then I'll get sick,
then Marny gets sick,
then you'll get sick,
and there's no solution
to this problem.
You want me to babysit
the kids for you?
You think
you can handle that?
Yes, I think
I can handle it.
Okay, great.
There you go.
Ah, come on,
let's go up there.
And another one.
Collect 'em all.
All right, come over here
and talk to my boys
and let them know how
I expect them to behave
while I'm gone.
Listen, boys, I'm leaving you
here with your grandfather,
and this is
what I need you to do.
I'm gonna need you
to eat all of this sugar.
All right?
I'm gonna need you to be
on your worst behavior.
I mean, I'm talking at
your cousin's baptism behavior.
You got it?
All right, eat up.
All right.
Oh, one last thing.
These are bad
for their teeth.
Wait, wait, wait, Gary.
Sorry, diapers.
Nope. Bye.
Have fun!
Whoo!
- Shh shh shh.
- Agh!
All right, all right,
everybody calm down.
Leave your grand--
What's going on?
Nothing.
Everything's fine.
They've been
on their best behavior.
You've been on your best
behavior with your grandpa?
What did I tell you?
We're sorry, Dad.
We couldn't help it.
Grandpa's the best.
You know what?
I will deal with you two later.
Come on, go.
What was that all about?
Why wouldn't you want them
to be on their
best behavior with me?
All right, fine,
look, the truth is I wanted you
to see how hard it was
to be a stay-at-home dad.
Why would you do that?
Because
you don't respect me
because I stay home
while your daughter works.
Wait, you think that's why
I don't respect you?
That's ridiculous.
The reason
I don't respect you
is because
you don't respect me.
- What?
- You know what?
Vivian never wanted me
to say anything,
but she's not here,
so I'm just gonna do it.
You never came to me
and asked my permission
to marry my daughter,
like a man should.
How can I respect that?
I'm going back
to my hotel room
and finish watching
(500) Days of Summer.
I cannot believe you
survived a shark attack.
I've got 17 stitches
under here
and another 30
behind the knee.
Wow.
Peek under the shirt.
That's gotta be worth
at least 40 points.
You know, I would just like
to make a toast to Nick
for setting this all up.
A toast.
Five points.
Plus a dreamy look.
That's another seven points.
Times two
for the combination.
Um, Erica,
I have an extra ticket
to go see Book of Mormon
next Friday.
I was wondering if you'd
like to come with me.
Oh, um, well, thanks,
but no.
- Oh.
- What?
Tonight was nice, and you
seem like a really great guy,
but I'm just
at that point in my life
where I'm getting
a little older,
and I don't wanna waste time
and talk myself
into things I don't want.
And the truth is,
you're just a little
too hairy for me.
You know,
if you still want
to go to Book of Mormon
as friends...
I do not.
He could shave,
you know?
Let me take him home,
shave him tonight,
we'll do this whole thing
again tomorrow.
Game over.
Too hairy.
How did it go?
Were the kids merciless?
No, we raised them
too well.
They're only merciless
with us.
But I did
get to the bottom of it.
Your dad doesn't like me
because I never asked him
for permission to marry you.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
That's crazy!
You didn't ask him
because I told you not to.
I hate the idea of fathers
marrying off their daughters.
He can't give me away.
I'm not a goat.
No, you're not.
You're a tigress.
Gary, we are not
having sex right now.
Eh, thought
I'd give it a shot.
You know, I'm feeling
a little frustrated.
Chris, come on.
We cannot figure out the points.
Help us settle this thing.
Who won?
My girl, who you liked--
Who thinks
you're a sasquatch.
Or my girl--
Who texted you a photo
of her pretending
to breast-feed her cat.
Guys, stop, okay?
Nobody won tonight,
and the only loser here is me.
So I'm glad
that you have each other
and that you're having fun
with my life,
but I'm not.
Wow.
You're really
bumming me out right now.
Chris, we are so sorry.
You are absolutely right.
We do want you to find someone
that makes you happy.
Thank you.
We do. We do.
But I also want you
to find someone
that will benefit me
in some way,
like a doctor
or a local bartender.
You know, I cannot pay $20
for a drink anymore.
I won't pay $20.
All right, I'm here.
What couldn't you
have told me on the phone?
I'm taking you on a journey
back to 2002.
♪ My baby
don't mess around ♪
♪ because she loves me so ♪
♪ and this I know for sure ♪
Gary, what's going on?
Where's Marny?
Where are the kids?
Well, I don't have
any kids.
Marny and I
aren't even married yet.
It's 2002, remember?
Jimmy Carter just won
the Nobel peace prize,
we lost
musician Joe Strummer,
and I'm ten years away
from looking up those facts
on Wikipedia.
Is there a point
you're trying to make?
Yes.
I'm going back to the year
that I fell madly in love
with your daughter,
a remarkable woman whose
mix of brains and attitude
scared the crap outta me.
But I knew I had
to make her my wife.
Uh-huh.
Go on.
Well, Mr. Baines,
as you know,
Marny and I
are getting pretty serious,
so I reckon that one day--
You reckon?
Come on, man,
I've never done this before.
I know.
Sir, I love your daughter.
She's my best friend,
and I'm a better person
with her in my life,
and I will do
everything within my power
to keep her safe and happy.
So I'm here to ask
for her hand in marriage.
Mr. Baines,
will you grant me permission
to marry your daughter?
No.
Come on, man,
what do you mean no?
- No.
- No?
Hey, hey.
What's going on here?
I just asked your father
permission to marry you
and he told me no.
Gary, I told you
I didn't want you
to ask for his permission.
Not then, not now,
not ever.
Wait, you told him
not to ask me?
Yeah.
I'm not yours to give away.
I'm not a goat.
No, she's a tigress.
It's just
a sign of respect.
Dad, I'm sorry
that it hurt your feelings,
but it's not
what I wanted.
What I admire
about you the most
is that while you're
the very definition
of old-fashioned,
you raised your daughters
to be as strong
and independent as any man.
Hmm.
And I love you for that.
Well, I am a good father.
The best.
Top two.
Gary...
You could have told me
she told you not to,
but you didn't,
because you put
Marny's feelings over mine,
and I have to respect that.
Thank you.
So you like me now?
I said I respect you now.
That's good enough, Dad.
Judge.
Judge Dad?
Judge Judge.
I miss Vivian.
You know, let's not
leave her at home next time.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey, come here.
Come here!
Yeah!
Ah.
Now he has
a little cold tonight,
so have fun
trying to get to sleep.
Still be more fun
than my dates.
Oh, well, don't give up.
Remember our first date
wasn't so great.
The picnic? Ew.
That's right.
Oh, and then
we got divorced.
Listen, Chris,
as hard as dating is,
we can't give up.
There is someone out there
who will love you
the way you deserve.
Thanks.
"And there's someone
out there for you too,"
is what you were
supposed to say.
Um, there's somebody
out there--
- okay, no, no, it's too late.
Have a good night.
Although you won't,
because he also
has a tooth coming in.
So bye-bye.
Ha ha.