Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 5, Episode 28 - Crowbait Bob - full transcript

A dying man's relations are much displeased when they learn that he's willed all he owns to Kitty.

♪♪ [theme]

starring James
Arness as Matt Dillon.

The old sot!



Pity it don't finish him off.

Gives us a bad name having
your uncle around like that.

Come on, Martha.

You all right, Crowbait?

Don't you touch
me. Don't touch me.

Get out of my way.

Get back!

Dang golly, Mr. Dillon, these
doggone eastern newspapers

will print just about anything!

Just, uh, it pert near
chokes you up in your craw,

the things in here that
they expect you to believe.

Uh, you listening?



Um, something
choking you up, is that it?

Yeah, well it says
here that they got a train

over in England that'll do
150 miles in three hours flat.

Pretty fast.

Well, heh, you don't
believe that, do you?

It's possible, I guess.

Aw...

A human being wasn't meant
to go that fast, Mr. Dillon.

Why... Why, that would
get a person's innards

all out of whack.

Why, a person would choke
to death trying to breathe

going that fast.
It's just, uh...

It... No. If a person was
meant to go that fast, Mr. Dillon,

the Good Lord would've put
wheels on him to begin with.

I guess maybe you're right.

[Door opens]

[Chester] Oh, howdy, Doc.

- Chester.
- [Dillon] Doc.

How are you?

Uh, where you been?

Well, I just came from
over at the livery stable.

What, Moss sick?

Oh, no, no. It's
old Crowbait Bob.

Moss has been letting him sleep
there in the hayloft, you know.

Oh, something wrong with Bob?

Well, nothing much that 30
years off his life wouldn't cure

or a few thousand less
bottles of bad whiskey.

Well, I thought old Bob
was out there prospecting

somewheres out in the Kiowa.

Well, yeah, he goes out
there. But he came in tonight.

And he just barely made it,
too, according to the stable boy.

He got worried about
him and came and got me.

Said he was sick. And
he is, too. He's awful sick.

Well, if he's that sick, he
probably shouldn't be up

in that hayloft, should he?

Well, no. I know that.

By golly, Matt, I don't
know what to do about it.

I don't know where to take him.

Those kinfolks of his won't
have anything to do with him.

Yeah, I know.

You know, I kind of
liked old Bob myself.

He's all right.

Well, look, maybe we
could put him up here

in one of these
cells for a while.

Well, could you do that?

Well, I don't know why not.

One of us is usually around.

We could look in
on him occasionally.

It's warm in here.

Well, that would
be just fine, just fine.

I'll tell you what.

I've got a stretcher
over in the office.

And I'll pick up
a couple of fellas

and we'll just bring
him right on over here.

Wait a minute. Could you...
Could you get back over there

and see him right away?

Yeah, why?

Well, he just insists on
talking to you about something.

And I... I know we won't
get him to budge out of there

until he does.

All right.

I wonder what he wants.

Well, I don't know. But
it's awful important to him.

Sure hasn't got very long.

[Door opens]

Bob.

Bob, it's Matt Dillon.

Hello, Marshal.

I know'd you'd come.

I know'd the doc
told you to come.

Well, sure. You bet ya.

When an old pal is a little
bit under the weather...

Yeah.

More than that.

As far as I'm
concerned, Marshal,

you're the only man in
Dodge City that's worth a hoot.

Well, of course
outside of Chester.

He's always been kind to me.

And Moss Gremmick,
he lets me sleep here.

But outside of them,
the rest of 'em ain't worth

the powder it'd take to...

I'm a liar, Marshal.

You are, huh?

Yeah. There's lots
of nice folks here.

I guess I was thinking about
them like my sanctimonious niece

and that sneaky lout
of a husband of hers.

Well, Bob, I was
wondering about them.

Do you think I ought to let them
know that you're sick like this?

No! No, don't you tell 'em!

They don't care
nothing about me.

Let 'em sit out there on that
fine ranch of theirs and rot.

All right, now
just take it easy.

They're not worth
getting worked up over.

No, you're darn
right they ain't.

Bob, what can I do for you?

Marshal... I want
to make my will.

Your will?

I know'd it when I was
out there on the Kiowas

that there's something
bad wrong with me.

I wasn't able to stand
up half of the time

but I kept driving myself,
kept making myself go...

to get back here.

Because I know'd
it was important.

There's only one thing I got
to leave anybody, Marshal.

It's this here.

I want you to take
care of it for me.

And it ain't to be opened
until after I'm dead and gone.

All right, Bob.

I'll take care of
everything for you.

Well, it'd be mighty
nice of you, too, Marshal.

I sure appreciate it.

Say now!

It's been a long time since
I've seen a model like that.

Yeah.

I've had that a
long time, Marshal.

It's been a good gun.

Got me out of a many a
tight spot, saved my life once.

But I'll never need it again.

Might as well throw that in,
too, for whatever it's worth.

All right.

Bob, I'll make out a will
of some kind for you and

you can sign it.

Well, that'd be mighty
nice of you, Marshal.

I appreciate it, too, because
that box is mighty valuable.

And I'm going to be
sure the right party gets it.

Who's it going to?

It goes to Miss Kitty.

Miss Kitty?

She's a fine girl, Marshal.

She's a mighty fine girl.

She's an angel,
that's what she is.

She's a downright angel.

What do you think you're
doing?! Leave my girl...

- [Girl screams]
- I'll teach you to horse around

with my girl, you no good
whiskey thumber, you!

All right, that's
enough of that!

- Yeah, but...
- Get out of here!

Horsing around with my girl!

Get out of here right now!

That goes for anybody else
who decides to turn this place

into some kind of a bullring.

I'll buy you a drink
on that performance.

Thanks, Ace. Later maybe.

Kitty, what's going on
around here anyway?

The usual.

Nothing you can't
handle, I'll bet.

Let's sit down.

All right.

How is he?

Oh, Crowbait?

Oh, don't call him
that. Is he any better?

No. No, he's not
doing so good, Kitty.

According to Doc,
he's just getting weaker.

If it keeps up this way,

you'll be an
heiress before long.

You know, it must be awful to
lie there and know you're dying

and not have anybody around.

Well, Chester's with him.

Oh, I mean, you know, somebody
that's your own flesh and blood.

Well, I told him I'd be happy

to get Martha Gutler
and her husband,

but he wouldn't
have any part of it.

His niece? I don't blame him,
the way they've treated him.

- Ah, thanks, Clem.
- You bet.

You know, I can't figure out
his making you his heiress.

I didn't know you
knew him that well.

I just treated him
like a human being.

Well, a man can afford
one beer can afford 2.

Sit down, Doc.

Clem, how about another beer?

All right. Well, Kitty...

Now, Doc, don't even bother

to ask me what it feels
like to become an heiress.

He's driving me crazy
asking me the same question.

Well...

There's an easy
way to stop it, Kitty.

What do you mean?

I'll buy out your
claim, sight unseen.

Claim on what?

Old Bob never had two
quarters to rub together.

I'm a gambler.

How much of a gambler?

$1,000.

I'll pay you right
now... in cash.

[Kitty] You must be crazy.

Maybe not.

Might be a million
dollars in that box of his.

On the other hand,
it might be worthless.

What do you say, Kitty?

Well, Ace, I... I'll tell you
whatever's in that box...

Whether it's worthless or not...

Bob wanted me to have it.

And, well, that's the
way it's going to be.

$1,000 isn't come
by every day, Kitty.

No sale, Ace.

Well, if you change your mind...

Is he serious, you think?

Sure sounded that way.

It's awful funny...

Ace wanting to pay
that much money for it.

Maybe he knows something.

No. He's just a gambler, Doc.

Well, then he knows
something about odds.

Oh, odds, Doc?

You know as well as I do
that Bob doesn't have a penny.

There's nothing of
any value in that box.

Hey, guys, come on
over to the Lady Gay!

A fella's buying
drinks all around,

some prospector found gold
out on the Kiowas. Come on!

[Clamoring]

Wait a minute. Isn't
that where old Bob's

been doing his prospecting,
out there in the Kiowas?

Well, sure. But so
were 500 others.

And one of 'em is
bound to strike something

once in a while, Doc.

Do you suppose that's why
Ace wanted to buy me out?

Well, that's what I mean.

Well, he may have
heard about the strike

before he came in here, Kitty.

But those Kiowas
cover a lot of territory.

He may not have been
anywheres near that strike.

Well, it's possible.

Well, look... whatever you
get in that box will be yours.

I think that's the
way it should be.

After all she's done
for him, she deserves it.

- Oh, hush up, Doc!
- What do you mean?

Well, where do you think old
Bob's been getting his meals?

I don't know.

Well, you knew
he'd been sleeping

over at the livery stable,
Moss Gremmick's, didn't you?

Yeah.

Well, Kitty's been feeding
him here for two years.

Why not?

We waste enough food around
here to feed 10 men like him.

Didn't cost me anything.

Well, I don't care. It was an
awful nice thing for you to do.

Go on, drink your beer.
I'm going to get me one.

Mr. Dillon.

Yeah.

We got visitors.

Well, good evening,
Mrs. Gutler, Elbin.

- Howdy.
- Evening, Marshal.

Now, what brings you to Dodge?

You know dang
well what brings us.

Oh?

Poor Uncle Robert,
laying in there,

maybe sick to death,

and this upstart's
saying we can't see him.

Upstart...

Now, let's see. Poor
old Uncle Robert.

That couldn't mean Crowbait
Bob, by any chance, could it?

Now, Marshal, you're insulting
a very dear relative of my wife.

Why, we had no idea
Uncle Robert was laid down

and ailing like this, Marshal.

Well, I don't suppose you did.

You haven't even spoken
to him for 5 years, have you?

Well now, Marshal,
you know how it is.

Just a little family
misunderstanding. That's all.

Why, when one's
own kin is laid bad sick,

why, a body would have
to be mighty heartless

not to let bygones be bygones.

Mm-hmm.

Why, I even brung him
some nice chicken broth.

And I baked him
an egg custard pie.

Well, that was mighty
thoughtful of you.

Now, Marshal, it's
like Martha said.

We're ready to let
bygones be bygones.

When did you get ready?
After you heard the rumors?

- Rumors?
- About his being wealthy?

Why, we never heard
rumors like that, Marshal.

That dancehall girl ain't
going to get a cent, Marshal.

So you did hear, huh?

We'll take her to court.

Good. You do that,

if you can find a way
to break a legal will.

He wasn't in his right mind!

I don't think Doc Adams
would agree with you on that.

We demand to see him,
Marshal, right this minute!

Sorry. He left orders
not to be disturbed.

Then you take
these vittles in there,

and you tell him who brung 'em!

Take the stuff back, Chester.

There you go.

And you be sure and
tell him we brung 'em!

That'll change his mind.

Well, howdy there,
Bob. How you feeling?

I got some nice
vittles for you here.

I got some hot chicken broth.

And there's custard
pie looks awful good.

Oh, I don't know if I'm
hungry right now, Chester.

Well... I kind of think you...

You ought to try and
eat it while it's still hot.

Elbin and Martha, they was
the ones that brought it over.

Ah, them two.

Oh now, Bob, they just...

Here, let me give
you a hand here,

set you up a little bit.

You ought to get something
on that stomach, I think.

[Groans]

Get your strength back.

[Sighs]

What's the matter?

I'm just tired, Chester.

Awful tired.

Terrible thing, a
woman like Kitty

undermining an old man's
feeling for his own kinfolk.

She kept him from starving.

'Tain't natural. A person's
own out to come first.

Well now, if you're
so anxious to help him,

why don't you go out and pay
some of his bills around town?

What bills?

Well, he owes $15 or
$20 to Moss Gremmick,

20 or so down at
the General Store.

Well... well if he's
got all this money,

why ain't he paid them hisself?

I didn't ask him.

Well, it seems
mighty funny to me...

Hush up, Martha.

It might just make him stop
and think twice if we was to do it.

Pay our good money
for bills this old coot's...

I said hush up, Martha.

We won't be troubling
you no more, Marshal.

We'll be back later to
see how he's feeling.

'Night, Marshal.

Don't you say hush
up to me again!

Hush up, Martha!

[Door closes]

They gone?

Yeah.

I don't know, Mr. Dillon.

Old Bob in there, he just
don't look right to me at all.

He just... well, I think I ought
to go get Doc is what I think.

All right, Chester.

Hello, Matt.

Hello, Kitty.

Here she is, Mr. Dillon.

I just feel terrible about this.

I know how you feel,
Kitty. Come on, sit down.

I just hope he had a good
life somewhere along the line.

Well, could I get you a cup of
coffee or something like that?

You sure could,
Chester. Thank you.

OK. Look, I know you
probably don't feel like it.

But I'd like to get this
whole thing settled right now.

What do you say we open the box?

I just wish he hadn't done it.

I felt sorry for him. I
didn't expect anything.

I know, but...

Goddang you,
Marshal! You tricked us.

All that good, hard cash.

Well, have you folks
met Miss Russell?

We paid out $86.40 on
bad debts for that old sulk

before we ran into Doc
and found out he died.

And without him knowing
what we done for him!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Well, it's easy for you
to talk doing his kin out of

what rightfully belongs to them.

- Why, you...
- Easy, Kitty.

- You see what
kind she is, Marshal?

Fancy her getting
all that wealth

after we paid out all
that money on his debts.

And him too far
gone to know about it!

The way I hear, that
box's chuck-full of gold.

Well, whatever this box is full
of belongs to Miss Russell here.

So I'd suggest that you two
go on back home and forget it.

Forget it?!

With a fortune
that's rightfully ours

about to slip
through our fingers?!

Now, don't you move,
Marshal. You neither.

Now, don't be a fool, Elbin.

That gun hasn't been
loaded in 15 years.

Besides, the cylinder's rusted.

Now, put it back on the table.

Aah!

All right, Chester, take
him out and lock him up.

All right.

Do you have to lock him up?

For attempted robbery and
assault with a deadly weapon.

Maybe Judge Bent can
think of something else.

Now, court will be at
10:00 tomorrow morning

if you want to be there.

What am I going to do tonight?

Well, I'd suggest that you
get a room at the Dodge House

and think about your sins.

Well!

Well!

[Door closes]

Kitty, come on. Let's
get this box open

before it causes
some more trouble.

Here you are.

Well, why don't you do it?

All right.

Why, it's just full of money.

Yeah. Heh.

Confederate money.

You ought to hold
onto this, Miss Kitty.

This might be worth
something someday.

Let's see what's in here.

Well, there's a silver dollar.

Huh.

There's a medal.

What's that?

It's a War Department citation.

"Robert Danforth
Conrad, Lieutenant."

So that's who he was.

Yeah.

"For conspicuous heroism

"during the storming
of Chapultepec Heights.

"By order of Winfield Scott,
General, Commander-in-chief,

"United States expeditionary
forces in Mexico.

September 13, 1847."

I wonder what this is.

Oh look, Matt.

It's a lock of hair.

I wonder who she was.

Well, I don't know.

But whoever she was,
it was a long time ago.

Well...

Piece of silver, a medal,

a lock of hair, and a
handful of worthless money.

Story of a man's life.

Yeah.

Yeah. It could be the
story of any man's life

if you stop to think of it.

I... I think I'll keep the
lock of hair and the medal

to remember him by.

Well, don't forget you
got a pistol here, too.

Well, you can have that.

And don't forget
your silver dollar.

Oh, heh.

Why, it'll buy us all a drink.

You know, I, uh,

I kind of think old Crowbait
might approve of that.

What do you say?