Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 14, Episode 4 - Uncle Finney - full transcript
When Merry Florene's nephews return to Dodge to turn in their 103 year old Uncle Finney for fifty dollars, you know some shenanigan are afoot.
Gunsmoke, starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.
Well, still got a For Rent.
When a box gets signed
for, it be full of money.
Well, Doc, when two
fellas get to arguing,
why, you try to get 'em separated
before they get into a ruckus.
Don't you understand?
You try to use a little reason
before you bang heads together.
You can catch more
flies with honey, you know.
Who in tarnation wants a whole
mess of flies stuck in honey?
You shoe flies
away, you just don't...
Never mind. Never mind. I'm
sorry I said anything. Never mind.
Lookee here.
Looks like we're getting
paid the honor of another visit
from them prime
ridge runners again.
We're looking for the
marshal, not no sass.
Well, the marshal ain't here.
He's went to Abilene for a spell.
Now, what can I do for you, besides
show you the quickest road out of town?
That deputy ain't changed a
bit in being quite unsociable.
Now, I'm asking you what you're
doing here in Dodge City. Answer me.
- Bringing us in a wanted man.
- He got a bounty on him.
Bounty's worth 50 dollars.
Now, when can we get it?
- What's he wanted for?
- Horse stealing.
Well, of course, it's been a few
years back since it happened,
but I guess the
bounty'll still be good.
How long's it gonna
take us to get that money?
Wait a minute. He must
be 85 or 90 years old.
He's 103. He'll be
104 come next week.
But, then, Uncle Finney, he's
never been strong on figures.
- Uncle?
- Can we get that money today?
Hold on a minute.
You mean to tell me that he's your
uncle and you're gonna turn him in for $50?
- We kind of stay law abiding.
- That's right.
Now, the horse he
stole he's sitting on.
That be the evidence that he be
guilty, if you figure there be a question.
And of course this horse looked a
whole lot better when he was stole.
That must have been
about, what, 12, 14 years ago.
There won't be no hitch in
getting that bounty money?
Hold on. Hold on. Just hush
your mouth a minute! Hush up!
I bet he's got a grandpa up in the hills
they'd turn in for a bottle of whiskey.
- Yeah.
- Now, here.
Uncle Finney? Uncle Finney?
- We be here.
- Huh?
We're at the Dodge jail, Uncle Finney.
We're gonna turn you over to the law.
Come on, Uncle Finney, now.
Easy does it, now.
Easy. There you are.
Feelin' thirsty.
Don't you worry. We're
gonna take care of that.
Just as soon as we get us
the bounty business settled.
Come on.
Don't walk too fast, Uncle Finney, now.
You'll get them leg cramps again. Easy.
- Doc...
- Don't look at me.
You're the big deputy United
States marshal around here.
Yeah, here it is, right here.
"$50 reward for information
leading to the arrest of
person or persons unknown
stealing a plow horse
from the Anderson farm."
Brand mark is Bar A.
That'd be the one. How long
will it take to get our money?
Oh, money, money.
That's the only thing
you two got in your head.
Ain't you got no feelin' for
your Uncle Finney here?
Uncle Finney don't mind straightening
things out before he meets his maker.
Now, when can we
get us that money?
It's Matthew, the marshal,
that's to give you the reward,
if you got any comin',
when he gets back.
You're acting for the marshal.
Don't seem right you ain't paying us.
Right. Now, why don't you
just give us the piece of paper
that says we got that
money comin' to us?
- Well, because...
- You have to. It's the law.
- You have to write out a receipt.
- All right, Doc, all right.
You know how busy I am, just
a-runnin' around like a jugful of ants,
and then these two
knotheads come in here and I...
I'll tell you, it just ain't natural
even for a skunk or a polecat
to turn in his own kinfolk
for a few measly dollars.
Maybe you fellas ought to come back
directly and pick up this here paper.
- What is the matter with now?
- Yes, why not just...?
Well, golly Bill, Doc, a
fella just can't sit down
and write out one of these here
legal documents, like they say,
without a-thinking about
what it's going to read.
- Just say we got $50 coming.
- Wait a minute here. Just a minute.
As a matter of simple curiosity,
what do you plan to do with the $50?
We're gonna open a saloon in
Dodge. Need it for rent money.
A sa... in Dodge? For $50?
Well, it ain't gonna
be nothing fancy.
We just gonna have
us some corn whiskey
that we got a good
stock of up in them hills.
Oh, Doc, I'm getting a little touch
of that ague back in my hand again.
It came back on you because of all
the documents you've had to write.
Yeah, well, all
right, I'll do it for you.
That's right, Doc.
Now, where are you gonna be
putting your Uncle Finney up at?
- Putting up?
- Of course. He can't stay here in jail.
Well, now, wait a minute.
If you wanna put Uncle
Finney up in a hotel,
that's gonna be
your own problem.
There ain't never no prisoners
gets put up at the hotel.
There's a couple of things to
keep in mind about Uncle Finney.
He sleeps most every
day, ain't awake but an hour.
- That's when he gets his bottle.
- Bottle?
- You mean he gets milk-fed?
- Whiskey.
He ain't missed a bottle a day since
he was knee high, the way he tells it.
Maybe that's been
keeping him alive.
All right, Festus, here,
you gotta sign this.
- Just go on and sign it.
- No, you're the deputy marshal.
You've gotta sign it.
Smart aleck.
Now, who's gonna be a-buying
this bottle of whiskey every day
for your Uncle Finney here?
That kind of be
the law's problem.
Well, you expect...?
They're expecting me to buy
a bottle of whiskey every day
and bring it in
here to a prisoner.
Well, certainly. You've gotta
keep him alive and in good health.
That's the law. It's your duty.
If that's what's been
keeping Uncle Finney alive,
then that's where...
we gotta continue...
I don't know. I think maybe
I'd better check him over first.
You get him into
bed. I'll go get my bag.
Uncle Finney?
Uncle Finney?
Time to go to bed.
Easy, now. Easy, now.
Get your balance. That's it.
Would you please hurry?
Well, yes, ma'am.
Thank you. Have
a nice day, ma'am.
We're renting the place
across from the freight office.
Who are we supposed to talk to?
Mr. Bodkin.
These two gentlemen
wish to see you, sir.
What is this?
Well, that there's money we got coming
to us from the marshal's office. Uh...
We need us some credit till
we can get the cash money.
Well, I don't think we
can do business like this.
Well, the place
for rent or ain't it?
Sir.
Last time we were in town, we found
out that the bank owned that building.
- And it was 12...
- 12.
Yeah, $12 a month
rent, somebody said.
Well, that's true, it is
for sale or lease, but...
$50 cash we got coming.
Now, if it don't come through,
you ain't gonna lose much anyway,
'cause that building's
just been standing there.
Well, I agree with you, it
has been idle for months.
All right. Let's say the first of
next week is your first payment.
- We got us a business deal.
- Thank you.
Elbert Moses! Roland Daniel!
What you all done
with Uncle Finney?
Now, what makes you think
we done anything with him?
'Cause I come
home and he be gone
and a whole bunch of folks told
me they seen you toting him off.
- Now, where is he?
- Now, you just take it easy, girl.
You all done plumb lost your minds
or something? Where is Uncle Finney?
He's real safe. Now, he may be asleep
if your hollering ain't waking him up.
And when'd you two get
out of that county work farm?
You escape or somethin'?
A month early. They
called it good behavior.
Oh, pooh.
You ain't never done one second
of good behaving your whole life.
- Now, what you done...
- Quit your howling, girl, you hear?
Incredible.
- What is, Doc?
- Well...
Ticking away like a fine watch.
He don't look like there's
six ticks left in him, does he?
Where's the bottle?
Right away, Uncle Finney.
- Well, Doc...
- Festus, there...
There might be better ways
of staying healthy, I guess,
but in this case
I'd strongly suggest
that we just don't disturb the delicate
balance of nature, or whatever it is.
Give him his whiskey.
You done what?
I told you. We turned in Uncle
Finney for the $50 reward on him.
Don't get excited. We
ain't gonna leave him in jail.
But we need the $50
to get started in town.
Started doing what?
We're gonna open us up a saloon,
right across the street
from the freight office.
But we ain't gonna be running no
saloon. You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna dig us a tunnel right under
the street and into the freight office,
and when the time's
right, we're gonna rob it.
Y'all done plumb
lost your minds.
You keep your talk down
or you'll be losing something.
- And what about Uncle Finney?
- Never mind Uncle Finney.
We're gonna set him free
before we head off for California.
- I ain't gonna let you do it.
- Now, you just hold on.
Now, number one, missy, we wouldn't
leave an inch of you not turned blue.
And, number two, you better
stop and think about Uncle Finney.
They hang horse thieves.
They can't hang Uncle
Finney. He's too old to hang.
They hang a horse thief.
They ain't gonna make no
difference account of a man's age.
That wouldn't be fair.
So you just better
watch your mouth, girl.
Now, we leave for California, then
we're gonna set Uncle Finney free.
But if we don't leave for California,
which means you been talking to the law,
you just might be
seeing Uncle Finney
just taken right up there
to that hanging scaffold.
Now, you find yourself a place to
stay over at the boarding house,
'cause tonight you're gonna
be working in our saloon.
I ain't working in no saloon.
You do like we say or we'll
leave Uncle Finney where he's at
and they'll hang him proper.
And I'll be getting a couple
of licks in myself, missy.
Now, get. Go on.
- Mornin', Sam.
- Mornin', Festus.
I'll take a bottle of your whiskey
when you can get around to it, Sam.
All right.
So early in the morning, Festus?
Well, Miss Kitty, this...
this here ain't for me.
It's... It's...
Well, it's for a
prisoner we got.
Oh.
Changing jail procedure a little
bit while Matt's out of town, huh?
No, ma'am, it ain't that
at all. It's... It's just that...
Well, it's just that it's hard
to explain, that's what it is.
Just put that on the tally book
for the marshal's office, Sam.
Hey, that there
for Uncle Finney?
- That's who it's for.
- Just regular saloon whiskey?
Well, what kind of whiskey do
you expect to come out of a saloon?
Well, dollar whiskey can't compare
to what Uncle Finney's been used to.
He's been getting the
finest triple-distilled,
extra special, hand-strained
corn whiskey there is.
I mean, you mistreat
Uncle Finney any,
he's liable to curl up his
toes and quit breathing on you.
Well, since when is buying whiskey
for somebody mistreating 'em?
Barkeep, you got any special whiskey
for people who don't care about the price?
- Don't give...
- We got some for two dollars a bottle.
- Even three.
- Let me have one of them $3 bottles.
You expecting the jail to
furnish $3 whiskey for a jailbird?
We're just looking out
for Uncle Finney's health.
- Well, he don't...
- How does it set with you, Elbert?
Passable. You better keep
a good stock of this stuff.
'Cause we don't know how long
Uncle Finney's gonna be in jail.
Uncle Finney'll be satisfied.
Well, I'd be satisfied
myself if I was in his place.
Never seen such a pair
of knotheads in all my...
- What you charging, ma'am?
- Two bits a shot.
- Every third drink's on the house.
- Fair enough.
You keep books?
- Huh?
- I generally charge my drinks.
- We go on cash.
- Oh.
Put them jugs on the shelf.
Roland Daniel... Stop that.
It ain't too late for you to change
your mind about that freight office.
You's just aching to get
yourself thrown back in...
You shut up. Now, get back and
tend to your customers. Go on.
You do a mighty fine job
of digging, brother Elbert.
Well... a man digging for
gold, he don't fool around none.
Just ain't that the truth?
Get that big rock there, Elbert. Get
that out and you'll make some time.
- That one?
- That one.
Lift her up.
That's good. That's
good. Hold her.
Mighty fine. That's
good. That's good.
Now you can dig right there.
- Morning, Merry Florene.
- Morning, Mr. Festus.
I was wondering if I
could visit my uncle.
- It'd be about his waking time now.
- Well, of course you can. Come on in.
See, I don't have to
lock him up in a cell at all.
You don't never lock
these doors at all?
No, ma'am.
Of course, it was Doc's idea,
but I gotta agree with him.
See, this way it gives Uncle
Finney a chance to stretch his legs
and kind of move
round, don't you see?
So you just go ahead on now and
jaw with him as long as you want to.
- I'm obliged, Mr. Festus.
- You're welcome.
Mr. Festus?
What you reckon they'll
do with Uncle Finney?
Oh, a little jail time,
I reckon, is about all.
He ain't got much time left.
Well, a judge'll keep it in his head
about Uncle Finney being so old
and that he ain't never did nothin'
wrong outside of stealing that horse.
Ain't never did nothin' wrong?
Well, he ain't, has he?
No, he ain't.
Well, you hadn't ought to
fret your head at all about it.
Uncle Finney? You
wake up now, you hear?
Merry Florene?
Uncle Finney, we gots to talk
about gettin' you out of here.
Somethin' wrong where we be?
Uncle Finney, them brothers
of mine be up to mischief,
and it won't be to your advantage
when you face the judge.
Might even think
you be in on it.
Uncle Finney, they's digging
a tunnel into the freight office
and robbing it when the
time be right, they said.
Kind of take after the wrong side
of the family, them nephews of mine.
Uncle Finney, I
gots it figured out.
Now, you don't drink no
more and maybe keep awake,
and we can be escaping
from here anytime after dark
and get you hidded'd
in them in hills.
Got a real good jail here.
Them hills get too
nippy for these old bones.
Uncle Finney, what'd folks say
you get strung up like a horse thief?
Oh, I get a might tired
with all this hard thinking.
You come back in a little time,
Merry Florene, talk again about it.
Uncle Finney.
Merry Florene?
It's been a spell.
It has, abouts a year.
What have you been doing with
yourself since the last time I saw you?
- I've been getting myself some schooling.
- You mean you've been going to school?
I've been schooling myself.
I teached myself to read this
here book called the almanac,
and I found nary a word I
couldn't understand, almost.
Well, that's real
good, Merry Florene.
Even the spelling come
kind of natural to me.
I mean, a word
sounds like it is almost.
Well, I'll tell you something,
there's nothing like schooling.
You ain't asked me yet how come I
been going through trouble and stuff
to learn readings and writings.
Well, the same as anybody else.
I mean, the more you know about
reading and writing, the better you are.
I have myself a
special reason. You.
I figured to come back
to Dodge more a lady
so as you wouldn't be
ashamed to court me none.
If you're looking for
the marshal, he's gone.
I know. I was just visiting
with my Uncle Finney.
Your Uncle Finney? In jail?
- It's kind of a long story.
- Now, wait a minute.
It wouldn't have something to do with
those two brothers of yours, would it?
Just what are they up to now?
Nothing. I mean, they just
opened up their own saloon.
Saloon?
You come by for
a drink, Mr. Newly.
Bye, Mr. Newly.
A saloon?
Somebody's in front.
We ought to put up a sign that says we
won't be open for business until nights.
Oh, um...
Uh... Uh, morning, Marshal.
Just figured I'd pay
you boys a little visit
and see how your
new business is going.
Well, we's working in
the back, making it livable.
Maybe I can buy you a
drink to celebrate our opening.
Well, if it's customary.
It's, uh... It's empty.
You boys find out that you're
profiting with your business, are you?
Ooh.
Got the... Got the
morning tingles in my leg.
Thanking you for
the toast, Marshal.
Say, I haven't saw your
brother around much lately.
Elbert, uh...
Elbert sleeps a lot.
That there a bedroom you're
building back there, is it?
Just a living place, like I said. Are
you ready for a second, Marshal?
No, no more. No, I gotta
get on about my business.
You come back anytime, you hear?
You come on in and you have
a drink anytime, on the house.
Anytime you... Your
money ain't no good here.
So you just step in...
Just anytime you
wants... a free drink.
Stop in anytime.
I wanna talk to you boys.
Come on.
- I wants to talk to you boys.
- Oh, you said that.
Well, lookee here.
Near about $6.
- Where'd you get that $6?
- Yeah, where'd you get that?
In yonder. Y'all's making
money in the saloon business.
You don't have to be
robbing no freight office.
Well, you done real
good, Merry Florene.
It weren't me done it.
That's the way of business.
Y'all's could be respectable
and earn yourself a good living.
Dynamite?
- Well, why don't you yell it louder?
- Y'all's dynamiting dirt?
No, we ain't. It's for the safe in
that place when we get ready.
Pop them old iron
doors off like they be tin.
But dynamite'd bring
the whole town running.
Y'all wouldn't have no
chance of getting out of here.
Who says we're leaving?
The posse'll be out chasing
their tails. We'll be back here.
They'll be looking for somebody
who rode off with the money.
Now, why don't you go on
and tend to your customers?
Y'all don't wanna just think about
doing real good in the saloon business?
We figure we can
do it better and faster.
Huh? Now, go
on, get out of here.
- Go on, move.
- Go on, move.
Y'all ain't never done
nothin' right your whole life!
What's the matter with her?
Oh, it's that old gunsmith
fella she got so sweet on.
How far you figure
we be under the street?
I don't know. I
ain't figured it.
It's time we did. Maybe closer than
we think, the way you been burrowing.
Tell you what,
Elbert, I got me a plan.
I'll go out front and stomp. You
hit back with a shovel, you hear me.
- All right?
- All right.
Them tingles coming
morning and night now.
Maybe you ought to go and
have old Doc take a look at it.
Yeah, might just
do that. Thank you.
Always thought us Haggens had a batch
of odd ones, but this here outfit, whew!
- Merry Florene?
- Howdy, Mr. Newly.
Wait a minute. Is
something wrong?
- A little something.
- Is it your uncle?
Well, I can understand that.
I was talking to Festus the other day
and he told me he's over 100 years old.
He is. He'll be 104 next week.
Well, just don't worry about it.
They'll be letting him out soon.
Not according to Roland Daniel
and Elbert Moses, they won't.
Don't pay any
attention to those two.
They don't know what they're
talking about. Merry Florene...
There's something
I'd like to ask you.
There's a picnic this
Sunday afternoon
and I was wondering if
you'd like to go with me.
Can't go, Mr. Newly.
I'm obliged you're
asking me, but I can't go.
I got to do my chores now.
- Moses, we in trouble!
- Get out!
What in tarnation happened here?
Well, what kind of streets
you got in this town anyway?
Looks like you're
plumb bogged down.
Well, I ain't never heard
of a street falling in before.
You know, it's just
pure old amazing.
Now, here's ground that's
stood for no telling how long.
- Even buffalo have gone by before now.
- A couple of you men, we need muscle.
- Maybe we can get the wheel out.
- Just get a hold of here, you fellas.
Everybody get together.
We got it. We're
gonna take care of it.
- Just dump it in there, Elbert.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Don't put that dirt in...
Wait. Hold on, now.
Don't do that till we get it out.
Wait till we get the wagon out.
Put down your shovel and
get a hold here. Everybody.
Ladies, get back.
Come on, get a hold
here. Let's get it out.
- Ready, Steve?
- Go.
Now!
That might have
been a earthquake.
Me and Elbert heard something a
while ago. Sounded just like a earthquake.
We sure did. It sounded
exactly like an earthquake.
We don't want nobody breaking
a leg on the way to our saloon.
Me and old Daniel always kind
of been like good Samaritans.
Just make sure you
tap that down good, now.
If you're gonna
do it, do it right.
Told you we should use
some wood down there.
All right, we'll go and do
it now. Let's get it finished.
Right smack in the back room.
It's gold time, Elbert Moses.
You sure got a good right arm.
- There she be.
- Wonder what's all these goods?
Just things folks
be sending about.
Now, where's your manners? Don't
need to know what folks be sending.
- Just wanna have a little look-see.
- Go on, get.
I can practically hear that money
talking right through the iron.
It's saying, "California,
California, California."
"You boys come ahead and
just sit in the sun from now on."
- Get it under there real good.
- Yeah. Right.
Let's get.
Here, here.
I figure we ain't got
no more than a minute
to get in here from the back room,
get that money, get back in the tunnel.
It ain't gonna take no longer before
somebody come running over here.
Show me the color of money
and a minute's all I need.
- It ain't locked.
- Well, get it out.
There ain't nothin'.
We been impatient, brother
Roland, just like Dad say.
We'll wait for a strong box,
something getting signed for.
"To them who waits."
That's a Bible reading
Grandpa Ellihue used to spout.
I don't think the Bible
exactly apply here.
Come on, let's
get this stuff back.
We gotta figure a way to
fix them boards back there
so nobody'll know
we cut our way in.
Let's go.
No doubt what's
in that safe tonight.
Merry Florene.
Howdy, Miss Kitty.
Um, Miss Kitty, I was
gonna ask you about, um...
Miss Kitty, I... I sure wish
I was a little bit like you,
I mean, everything going
along kind of smooth, um...
you know, and, um, kind of
right and everything, and, uh...
I mean, I don't
know what I mean.
You sound like you might be
in some kind of trouble again.
Is it those brothers of yours?
Guess I'd better sort
of take care of it myself.
If there's anything I can do to help
you, you be sure to let me know.
Yes, ma'am, I sure will.
- Doc, somebody slipped this...
- Yeah, I know, I know.
You got something there
you want me to help you with.
I don't know why in thunder
you don't learn to read and write.
- It's not that hard.
- Well...
Well, it's not at all.
Of course, you first would have to
prove that you're smarter than your mule,
and that might
be a little difficult.
Hee, hee, hee, hee.
Mr. Feisty Breeches, it just so happens
I done know what's in this here letter
and your help ain't needed.
So just go roll yourself a pill.
I will.
One of these days when
I do learn how to write,
I'm gonna write you some reading
that'll just curl
your old mustache.
Old billy goat.
You boys don't have to do this.
Go on and spoon with your gunsmith
fella and save your advice, missy.
- What you two doing here?
- You ain't taking what's ours.
It be blowing any second.
Watch that step, now.
Here, what...?
- You're supposed to be someplace else.
- Where at?
- The freight office.
- Freight office?
I wroted you a note saying it
was gonna be robbed for sure.
I didn't wanna tell on
my kinfolk, but I done it.
What was that?
- Mr. Festus.
- The express office!
They be crawling back
through the tunnel to the saloon.
- Tunnel?
- Over to the freight office.
Much obliged.
You might as well sit down, Uncle
Finney. We ain't going no place.
Get some water!
Let's go.
Get your dirty
hands off our money.
I ought to blow you
a week to Sunday.
What's going on there?
- Is anybody in there?
- Come on!
Well, you boys sure
deserve a vote of thanks,
and maybe a little reward
from the freight company.
I know these two.
They're the Claven boys.
- Thank you, Elbert.
- Yeah.
Mr. Colvin will be happy to hear about
this, you boys getting these robbers.
Come on.
We wasn't thinkin' about
no reward or nothin'.
We just... we kind of keep
our eyes peeled around town,
to be a help and such.
It runs in our family, you
know, watch out for other folks.
Oh, yeah. Like filling in holes
in the street and stuff like that?
These are the two fellas that
deserve the town's thanks, Festus.
Oh, of course, Burke,
they're real deserving.
Here, I'll take that.
Fact is we're fixing
to have us a little talk.
Me and these two
deserving fellas.
Go ahead.
It's no use, Uncle Finney.
We'll all be put in jail now.
I gotta hand it to those
brothers of yours, Merry Florene.
They caught these
two thieves red-handed.
There ain't no law
against digging tunnels.
We come up accidental
in that freight office.
Digging for gold was
what we was doing.
And you purt near got your grubby
fingers on some too, didn't you?
- That'd be pure supposing.
- You can't prove nothin'.
Oh, wait a minute, now. Get
up here where I can talk to you.
Now, what have
you two got to bet
against five or ten
years behind jail bars
that I ain't provin' nothin'?
All right, then. I'll tell you
what you're gonna do first.
You're gonna go to work and you're
gonna fill up that tunnel that you dug.
And if there are a reward
comin' from that freight office,
you're gonna turn
that over to the school,
'cause they got theirselves a
little fundraising going on right now.
You asking us to
give money away?
We's brought up different.
All right, the
jail's right there.
- We can talk about it.
- We can talk.
All right, I'll tell you something
else we'll talk about too.
That's both of you
getting out of town.
And the next time you set
foot in Dodge City again,
you're gonna be right back
on that county work farm
where you ought to
have been all the time.
Now, get! Hurry up!
Mr. Deputy...
You be a hard man.
You betcha I'm a hard man.
You set foot in this town again,
I'll get on you like ugly on a ape.
- Here's to you, Uncle Finney.
- Uncle Finney.
Look at that cake. Look at that.
Yeah.
You gonna blow out your
candles, Uncle Finney?
Yeah.
Hold on here. Hold on.
Just a minute, Uncle Finney.
Now, I tell you, I think we all
ought to kind of pitch in here
and help Uncle Finney a little.
There you are!
In all the years in Dodge,
I can't remember anybody passing
the hundred mark, can you, Doc?
No, I swear I can't.
I can't... No, I can't.
I know somebody that's
knocking at the door.
Oh, hush up.
What I wanna know is, what does a man
think about, reaching 104 years of age?
- What?
- Reaching 104 years of age.
- What d'you think about?
- Think about?
Well, you've been
places and done things
that we've only read
about in the history books.
Well, young
fella, I'll tell you...
what I think about.
What I think about...
Well...
What I think about
is reaching 105.
- Matthew?
- Hello, Festus.
- You got here just in time.
- What's going on?
We got us a party going on in
there. Miss Kitty, she baked the cake.
Somebody's birthday?
Uncle Finney. He ain't my uncle,
but he's 104 years old today, Matthew.
And he's a horse thief.
Fact is, we owe a
$50 reward on him.
What?
Well, Matthew, it's going
to take a little while to tell it.
Why don't we go in yonder
and glom up on some of that cream
and sugar cake before it gets all gone?
Yes, it sounds like a good idea. It
also sounds like you've been having
kind of an interesting time
here while I've been gone.
Well, you could
say that, Matthew,
but you know me, I keep a
eyeball on everything in this town.
Ain't nothin' goes...
Stay tuned for scenes
from next week's Gunsmoke.
James Arness as Matt Dillon.
Well, still got a For Rent.
When a box gets signed
for, it be full of money.
Well, Doc, when two
fellas get to arguing,
why, you try to get 'em separated
before they get into a ruckus.
Don't you understand?
You try to use a little reason
before you bang heads together.
You can catch more
flies with honey, you know.
Who in tarnation wants a whole
mess of flies stuck in honey?
You shoe flies
away, you just don't...
Never mind. Never mind. I'm
sorry I said anything. Never mind.
Lookee here.
Looks like we're getting
paid the honor of another visit
from them prime
ridge runners again.
We're looking for the
marshal, not no sass.
Well, the marshal ain't here.
He's went to Abilene for a spell.
Now, what can I do for you, besides
show you the quickest road out of town?
That deputy ain't changed a
bit in being quite unsociable.
Now, I'm asking you what you're
doing here in Dodge City. Answer me.
- Bringing us in a wanted man.
- He got a bounty on him.
Bounty's worth 50 dollars.
Now, when can we get it?
- What's he wanted for?
- Horse stealing.
Well, of course, it's been a few
years back since it happened,
but I guess the
bounty'll still be good.
How long's it gonna
take us to get that money?
Wait a minute. He must
be 85 or 90 years old.
He's 103. He'll be
104 come next week.
But, then, Uncle Finney, he's
never been strong on figures.
- Uncle?
- Can we get that money today?
Hold on a minute.
You mean to tell me that he's your
uncle and you're gonna turn him in for $50?
- We kind of stay law abiding.
- That's right.
Now, the horse he
stole he's sitting on.
That be the evidence that he be
guilty, if you figure there be a question.
And of course this horse looked a
whole lot better when he was stole.
That must have been
about, what, 12, 14 years ago.
There won't be no hitch in
getting that bounty money?
Hold on. Hold on. Just hush
your mouth a minute! Hush up!
I bet he's got a grandpa up in the hills
they'd turn in for a bottle of whiskey.
- Yeah.
- Now, here.
Uncle Finney? Uncle Finney?
- We be here.
- Huh?
We're at the Dodge jail, Uncle Finney.
We're gonna turn you over to the law.
Come on, Uncle Finney, now.
Easy does it, now.
Easy. There you are.
Feelin' thirsty.
Don't you worry. We're
gonna take care of that.
Just as soon as we get us
the bounty business settled.
Come on.
Don't walk too fast, Uncle Finney, now.
You'll get them leg cramps again. Easy.
- Doc...
- Don't look at me.
You're the big deputy United
States marshal around here.
Yeah, here it is, right here.
"$50 reward for information
leading to the arrest of
person or persons unknown
stealing a plow horse
from the Anderson farm."
Brand mark is Bar A.
That'd be the one. How long
will it take to get our money?
Oh, money, money.
That's the only thing
you two got in your head.
Ain't you got no feelin' for
your Uncle Finney here?
Uncle Finney don't mind straightening
things out before he meets his maker.
Now, when can we
get us that money?
It's Matthew, the marshal,
that's to give you the reward,
if you got any comin',
when he gets back.
You're acting for the marshal.
Don't seem right you ain't paying us.
Right. Now, why don't you
just give us the piece of paper
that says we got that
money comin' to us?
- Well, because...
- You have to. It's the law.
- You have to write out a receipt.
- All right, Doc, all right.
You know how busy I am, just
a-runnin' around like a jugful of ants,
and then these two
knotheads come in here and I...
I'll tell you, it just ain't natural
even for a skunk or a polecat
to turn in his own kinfolk
for a few measly dollars.
Maybe you fellas ought to come back
directly and pick up this here paper.
- What is the matter with now?
- Yes, why not just...?
Well, golly Bill, Doc, a
fella just can't sit down
and write out one of these here
legal documents, like they say,
without a-thinking about
what it's going to read.
- Just say we got $50 coming.
- Wait a minute here. Just a minute.
As a matter of simple curiosity,
what do you plan to do with the $50?
We're gonna open a saloon in
Dodge. Need it for rent money.
A sa... in Dodge? For $50?
Well, it ain't gonna
be nothing fancy.
We just gonna have
us some corn whiskey
that we got a good
stock of up in them hills.
Oh, Doc, I'm getting a little touch
of that ague back in my hand again.
It came back on you because of all
the documents you've had to write.
Yeah, well, all
right, I'll do it for you.
That's right, Doc.
Now, where are you gonna be
putting your Uncle Finney up at?
- Putting up?
- Of course. He can't stay here in jail.
Well, now, wait a minute.
If you wanna put Uncle
Finney up in a hotel,
that's gonna be
your own problem.
There ain't never no prisoners
gets put up at the hotel.
There's a couple of things to
keep in mind about Uncle Finney.
He sleeps most every
day, ain't awake but an hour.
- That's when he gets his bottle.
- Bottle?
- You mean he gets milk-fed?
- Whiskey.
He ain't missed a bottle a day since
he was knee high, the way he tells it.
Maybe that's been
keeping him alive.
All right, Festus, here,
you gotta sign this.
- Just go on and sign it.
- No, you're the deputy marshal.
You've gotta sign it.
Smart aleck.
Now, who's gonna be a-buying
this bottle of whiskey every day
for your Uncle Finney here?
That kind of be
the law's problem.
Well, you expect...?
They're expecting me to buy
a bottle of whiskey every day
and bring it in
here to a prisoner.
Well, certainly. You've gotta
keep him alive and in good health.
That's the law. It's your duty.
If that's what's been
keeping Uncle Finney alive,
then that's where...
we gotta continue...
I don't know. I think maybe
I'd better check him over first.
You get him into
bed. I'll go get my bag.
Uncle Finney?
Uncle Finney?
Time to go to bed.
Easy, now. Easy, now.
Get your balance. That's it.
Would you please hurry?
Well, yes, ma'am.
Thank you. Have
a nice day, ma'am.
We're renting the place
across from the freight office.
Who are we supposed to talk to?
Mr. Bodkin.
These two gentlemen
wish to see you, sir.
What is this?
Well, that there's money we got coming
to us from the marshal's office. Uh...
We need us some credit till
we can get the cash money.
Well, I don't think we
can do business like this.
Well, the place
for rent or ain't it?
Sir.
Last time we were in town, we found
out that the bank owned that building.
- And it was 12...
- 12.
Yeah, $12 a month
rent, somebody said.
Well, that's true, it is
for sale or lease, but...
$50 cash we got coming.
Now, if it don't come through,
you ain't gonna lose much anyway,
'cause that building's
just been standing there.
Well, I agree with you, it
has been idle for months.
All right. Let's say the first of
next week is your first payment.
- We got us a business deal.
- Thank you.
Elbert Moses! Roland Daniel!
What you all done
with Uncle Finney?
Now, what makes you think
we done anything with him?
'Cause I come
home and he be gone
and a whole bunch of folks told
me they seen you toting him off.
- Now, where is he?
- Now, you just take it easy, girl.
You all done plumb lost your minds
or something? Where is Uncle Finney?
He's real safe. Now, he may be asleep
if your hollering ain't waking him up.
And when'd you two get
out of that county work farm?
You escape or somethin'?
A month early. They
called it good behavior.
Oh, pooh.
You ain't never done one second
of good behaving your whole life.
- Now, what you done...
- Quit your howling, girl, you hear?
Incredible.
- What is, Doc?
- Well...
Ticking away like a fine watch.
He don't look like there's
six ticks left in him, does he?
Where's the bottle?
Right away, Uncle Finney.
- Well, Doc...
- Festus, there...
There might be better ways
of staying healthy, I guess,
but in this case
I'd strongly suggest
that we just don't disturb the delicate
balance of nature, or whatever it is.
Give him his whiskey.
You done what?
I told you. We turned in Uncle
Finney for the $50 reward on him.
Don't get excited. We
ain't gonna leave him in jail.
But we need the $50
to get started in town.
Started doing what?
We're gonna open us up a saloon,
right across the street
from the freight office.
But we ain't gonna be running no
saloon. You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna dig us a tunnel right under
the street and into the freight office,
and when the time's
right, we're gonna rob it.
Y'all done plumb
lost your minds.
You keep your talk down
or you'll be losing something.
- And what about Uncle Finney?
- Never mind Uncle Finney.
We're gonna set him free
before we head off for California.
- I ain't gonna let you do it.
- Now, you just hold on.
Now, number one, missy, we wouldn't
leave an inch of you not turned blue.
And, number two, you better
stop and think about Uncle Finney.
They hang horse thieves.
They can't hang Uncle
Finney. He's too old to hang.
They hang a horse thief.
They ain't gonna make no
difference account of a man's age.
That wouldn't be fair.
So you just better
watch your mouth, girl.
Now, we leave for California, then
we're gonna set Uncle Finney free.
But if we don't leave for California,
which means you been talking to the law,
you just might be
seeing Uncle Finney
just taken right up there
to that hanging scaffold.
Now, you find yourself a place to
stay over at the boarding house,
'cause tonight you're gonna
be working in our saloon.
I ain't working in no saloon.
You do like we say or we'll
leave Uncle Finney where he's at
and they'll hang him proper.
And I'll be getting a couple
of licks in myself, missy.
Now, get. Go on.
- Mornin', Sam.
- Mornin', Festus.
I'll take a bottle of your whiskey
when you can get around to it, Sam.
All right.
So early in the morning, Festus?
Well, Miss Kitty, this...
this here ain't for me.
It's... It's...
Well, it's for a
prisoner we got.
Oh.
Changing jail procedure a little
bit while Matt's out of town, huh?
No, ma'am, it ain't that
at all. It's... It's just that...
Well, it's just that it's hard
to explain, that's what it is.
Just put that on the tally book
for the marshal's office, Sam.
Hey, that there
for Uncle Finney?
- That's who it's for.
- Just regular saloon whiskey?
Well, what kind of whiskey do
you expect to come out of a saloon?
Well, dollar whiskey can't compare
to what Uncle Finney's been used to.
He's been getting the
finest triple-distilled,
extra special, hand-strained
corn whiskey there is.
I mean, you mistreat
Uncle Finney any,
he's liable to curl up his
toes and quit breathing on you.
Well, since when is buying whiskey
for somebody mistreating 'em?
Barkeep, you got any special whiskey
for people who don't care about the price?
- Don't give...
- We got some for two dollars a bottle.
- Even three.
- Let me have one of them $3 bottles.
You expecting the jail to
furnish $3 whiskey for a jailbird?
We're just looking out
for Uncle Finney's health.
- Well, he don't...
- How does it set with you, Elbert?
Passable. You better keep
a good stock of this stuff.
'Cause we don't know how long
Uncle Finney's gonna be in jail.
Uncle Finney'll be satisfied.
Well, I'd be satisfied
myself if I was in his place.
Never seen such a pair
of knotheads in all my...
- What you charging, ma'am?
- Two bits a shot.
- Every third drink's on the house.
- Fair enough.
You keep books?
- Huh?
- I generally charge my drinks.
- We go on cash.
- Oh.
Put them jugs on the shelf.
Roland Daniel... Stop that.
It ain't too late for you to change
your mind about that freight office.
You's just aching to get
yourself thrown back in...
You shut up. Now, get back and
tend to your customers. Go on.
You do a mighty fine job
of digging, brother Elbert.
Well... a man digging for
gold, he don't fool around none.
Just ain't that the truth?
Get that big rock there, Elbert. Get
that out and you'll make some time.
- That one?
- That one.
Lift her up.
That's good. That's
good. Hold her.
Mighty fine. That's
good. That's good.
Now you can dig right there.
- Morning, Merry Florene.
- Morning, Mr. Festus.
I was wondering if I
could visit my uncle.
- It'd be about his waking time now.
- Well, of course you can. Come on in.
See, I don't have to
lock him up in a cell at all.
You don't never lock
these doors at all?
No, ma'am.
Of course, it was Doc's idea,
but I gotta agree with him.
See, this way it gives Uncle
Finney a chance to stretch his legs
and kind of move
round, don't you see?
So you just go ahead on now and
jaw with him as long as you want to.
- I'm obliged, Mr. Festus.
- You're welcome.
Mr. Festus?
What you reckon they'll
do with Uncle Finney?
Oh, a little jail time,
I reckon, is about all.
He ain't got much time left.
Well, a judge'll keep it in his head
about Uncle Finney being so old
and that he ain't never did nothin'
wrong outside of stealing that horse.
Ain't never did nothin' wrong?
Well, he ain't, has he?
No, he ain't.
Well, you hadn't ought to
fret your head at all about it.
Uncle Finney? You
wake up now, you hear?
Merry Florene?
Uncle Finney, we gots to talk
about gettin' you out of here.
Somethin' wrong where we be?
Uncle Finney, them brothers
of mine be up to mischief,
and it won't be to your advantage
when you face the judge.
Might even think
you be in on it.
Uncle Finney, they's digging
a tunnel into the freight office
and robbing it when the
time be right, they said.
Kind of take after the wrong side
of the family, them nephews of mine.
Uncle Finney, I
gots it figured out.
Now, you don't drink no
more and maybe keep awake,
and we can be escaping
from here anytime after dark
and get you hidded'd
in them in hills.
Got a real good jail here.
Them hills get too
nippy for these old bones.
Uncle Finney, what'd folks say
you get strung up like a horse thief?
Oh, I get a might tired
with all this hard thinking.
You come back in a little time,
Merry Florene, talk again about it.
Uncle Finney.
Merry Florene?
It's been a spell.
It has, abouts a year.
What have you been doing with
yourself since the last time I saw you?
- I've been getting myself some schooling.
- You mean you've been going to school?
I've been schooling myself.
I teached myself to read this
here book called the almanac,
and I found nary a word I
couldn't understand, almost.
Well, that's real
good, Merry Florene.
Even the spelling come
kind of natural to me.
I mean, a word
sounds like it is almost.
Well, I'll tell you something,
there's nothing like schooling.
You ain't asked me yet how come I
been going through trouble and stuff
to learn readings and writings.
Well, the same as anybody else.
I mean, the more you know about
reading and writing, the better you are.
I have myself a
special reason. You.
I figured to come back
to Dodge more a lady
so as you wouldn't be
ashamed to court me none.
If you're looking for
the marshal, he's gone.
I know. I was just visiting
with my Uncle Finney.
Your Uncle Finney? In jail?
- It's kind of a long story.
- Now, wait a minute.
It wouldn't have something to do with
those two brothers of yours, would it?
Just what are they up to now?
Nothing. I mean, they just
opened up their own saloon.
Saloon?
You come by for
a drink, Mr. Newly.
Bye, Mr. Newly.
A saloon?
Somebody's in front.
We ought to put up a sign that says we
won't be open for business until nights.
Oh, um...
Uh... Uh, morning, Marshal.
Just figured I'd pay
you boys a little visit
and see how your
new business is going.
Well, we's working in
the back, making it livable.
Maybe I can buy you a
drink to celebrate our opening.
Well, if it's customary.
It's, uh... It's empty.
You boys find out that you're
profiting with your business, are you?
Ooh.
Got the... Got the
morning tingles in my leg.
Thanking you for
the toast, Marshal.
Say, I haven't saw your
brother around much lately.
Elbert, uh...
Elbert sleeps a lot.
That there a bedroom you're
building back there, is it?
Just a living place, like I said. Are
you ready for a second, Marshal?
No, no more. No, I gotta
get on about my business.
You come back anytime, you hear?
You come on in and you have
a drink anytime, on the house.
Anytime you... Your
money ain't no good here.
So you just step in...
Just anytime you
wants... a free drink.
Stop in anytime.
I wanna talk to you boys.
Come on.
- I wants to talk to you boys.
- Oh, you said that.
Well, lookee here.
Near about $6.
- Where'd you get that $6?
- Yeah, where'd you get that?
In yonder. Y'all's making
money in the saloon business.
You don't have to be
robbing no freight office.
Well, you done real
good, Merry Florene.
It weren't me done it.
That's the way of business.
Y'all's could be respectable
and earn yourself a good living.
Dynamite?
- Well, why don't you yell it louder?
- Y'all's dynamiting dirt?
No, we ain't. It's for the safe in
that place when we get ready.
Pop them old iron
doors off like they be tin.
But dynamite'd bring
the whole town running.
Y'all wouldn't have no
chance of getting out of here.
Who says we're leaving?
The posse'll be out chasing
their tails. We'll be back here.
They'll be looking for somebody
who rode off with the money.
Now, why don't you go on
and tend to your customers?
Y'all don't wanna just think about
doing real good in the saloon business?
We figure we can
do it better and faster.
Huh? Now, go
on, get out of here.
- Go on, move.
- Go on, move.
Y'all ain't never done
nothin' right your whole life!
What's the matter with her?
Oh, it's that old gunsmith
fella she got so sweet on.
How far you figure
we be under the street?
I don't know. I
ain't figured it.
It's time we did. Maybe closer than
we think, the way you been burrowing.
Tell you what,
Elbert, I got me a plan.
I'll go out front and stomp. You
hit back with a shovel, you hear me.
- All right?
- All right.
Them tingles coming
morning and night now.
Maybe you ought to go and
have old Doc take a look at it.
Yeah, might just
do that. Thank you.
Always thought us Haggens had a batch
of odd ones, but this here outfit, whew!
- Merry Florene?
- Howdy, Mr. Newly.
Wait a minute. Is
something wrong?
- A little something.
- Is it your uncle?
Well, I can understand that.
I was talking to Festus the other day
and he told me he's over 100 years old.
He is. He'll be 104 next week.
Well, just don't worry about it.
They'll be letting him out soon.
Not according to Roland Daniel
and Elbert Moses, they won't.
Don't pay any
attention to those two.
They don't know what they're
talking about. Merry Florene...
There's something
I'd like to ask you.
There's a picnic this
Sunday afternoon
and I was wondering if
you'd like to go with me.
Can't go, Mr. Newly.
I'm obliged you're
asking me, but I can't go.
I got to do my chores now.
- Moses, we in trouble!
- Get out!
What in tarnation happened here?
Well, what kind of streets
you got in this town anyway?
Looks like you're
plumb bogged down.
Well, I ain't never heard
of a street falling in before.
You know, it's just
pure old amazing.
Now, here's ground that's
stood for no telling how long.
- Even buffalo have gone by before now.
- A couple of you men, we need muscle.
- Maybe we can get the wheel out.
- Just get a hold of here, you fellas.
Everybody get together.
We got it. We're
gonna take care of it.
- Just dump it in there, Elbert.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Don't put that dirt in...
Wait. Hold on, now.
Don't do that till we get it out.
Wait till we get the wagon out.
Put down your shovel and
get a hold here. Everybody.
Ladies, get back.
Come on, get a hold
here. Let's get it out.
- Ready, Steve?
- Go.
Now!
That might have
been a earthquake.
Me and Elbert heard something a
while ago. Sounded just like a earthquake.
We sure did. It sounded
exactly like an earthquake.
We don't want nobody breaking
a leg on the way to our saloon.
Me and old Daniel always kind
of been like good Samaritans.
Just make sure you
tap that down good, now.
If you're gonna
do it, do it right.
Told you we should use
some wood down there.
All right, we'll go and do
it now. Let's get it finished.
Right smack in the back room.
It's gold time, Elbert Moses.
You sure got a good right arm.
- There she be.
- Wonder what's all these goods?
Just things folks
be sending about.
Now, where's your manners? Don't
need to know what folks be sending.
- Just wanna have a little look-see.
- Go on, get.
I can practically hear that money
talking right through the iron.
It's saying, "California,
California, California."
"You boys come ahead and
just sit in the sun from now on."
- Get it under there real good.
- Yeah. Right.
Let's get.
Here, here.
I figure we ain't got
no more than a minute
to get in here from the back room,
get that money, get back in the tunnel.
It ain't gonna take no longer before
somebody come running over here.
Show me the color of money
and a minute's all I need.
- It ain't locked.
- Well, get it out.
There ain't nothin'.
We been impatient, brother
Roland, just like Dad say.
We'll wait for a strong box,
something getting signed for.
"To them who waits."
That's a Bible reading
Grandpa Ellihue used to spout.
I don't think the Bible
exactly apply here.
Come on, let's
get this stuff back.
We gotta figure a way to
fix them boards back there
so nobody'll know
we cut our way in.
Let's go.
No doubt what's
in that safe tonight.
Merry Florene.
Howdy, Miss Kitty.
Um, Miss Kitty, I was
gonna ask you about, um...
Miss Kitty, I... I sure wish
I was a little bit like you,
I mean, everything going
along kind of smooth, um...
you know, and, um, kind of
right and everything, and, uh...
I mean, I don't
know what I mean.
You sound like you might be
in some kind of trouble again.
Is it those brothers of yours?
Guess I'd better sort
of take care of it myself.
If there's anything I can do to help
you, you be sure to let me know.
Yes, ma'am, I sure will.
- Doc, somebody slipped this...
- Yeah, I know, I know.
You got something there
you want me to help you with.
I don't know why in thunder
you don't learn to read and write.
- It's not that hard.
- Well...
Well, it's not at all.
Of course, you first would have to
prove that you're smarter than your mule,
and that might
be a little difficult.
Hee, hee, hee, hee.
Mr. Feisty Breeches, it just so happens
I done know what's in this here letter
and your help ain't needed.
So just go roll yourself a pill.
I will.
One of these days when
I do learn how to write,
I'm gonna write you some reading
that'll just curl
your old mustache.
Old billy goat.
You boys don't have to do this.
Go on and spoon with your gunsmith
fella and save your advice, missy.
- What you two doing here?
- You ain't taking what's ours.
It be blowing any second.
Watch that step, now.
Here, what...?
- You're supposed to be someplace else.
- Where at?
- The freight office.
- Freight office?
I wroted you a note saying it
was gonna be robbed for sure.
I didn't wanna tell on
my kinfolk, but I done it.
What was that?
- Mr. Festus.
- The express office!
They be crawling back
through the tunnel to the saloon.
- Tunnel?
- Over to the freight office.
Much obliged.
You might as well sit down, Uncle
Finney. We ain't going no place.
Get some water!
Let's go.
Get your dirty
hands off our money.
I ought to blow you
a week to Sunday.
What's going on there?
- Is anybody in there?
- Come on!
Well, you boys sure
deserve a vote of thanks,
and maybe a little reward
from the freight company.
I know these two.
They're the Claven boys.
- Thank you, Elbert.
- Yeah.
Mr. Colvin will be happy to hear about
this, you boys getting these robbers.
Come on.
We wasn't thinkin' about
no reward or nothin'.
We just... we kind of keep
our eyes peeled around town,
to be a help and such.
It runs in our family, you
know, watch out for other folks.
Oh, yeah. Like filling in holes
in the street and stuff like that?
These are the two fellas that
deserve the town's thanks, Festus.
Oh, of course, Burke,
they're real deserving.
Here, I'll take that.
Fact is we're fixing
to have us a little talk.
Me and these two
deserving fellas.
Go ahead.
It's no use, Uncle Finney.
We'll all be put in jail now.
I gotta hand it to those
brothers of yours, Merry Florene.
They caught these
two thieves red-handed.
There ain't no law
against digging tunnels.
We come up accidental
in that freight office.
Digging for gold was
what we was doing.
And you purt near got your grubby
fingers on some too, didn't you?
- That'd be pure supposing.
- You can't prove nothin'.
Oh, wait a minute, now. Get
up here where I can talk to you.
Now, what have
you two got to bet
against five or ten
years behind jail bars
that I ain't provin' nothin'?
All right, then. I'll tell you
what you're gonna do first.
You're gonna go to work and you're
gonna fill up that tunnel that you dug.
And if there are a reward
comin' from that freight office,
you're gonna turn
that over to the school,
'cause they got theirselves a
little fundraising going on right now.
You asking us to
give money away?
We's brought up different.
All right, the
jail's right there.
- We can talk about it.
- We can talk.
All right, I'll tell you something
else we'll talk about too.
That's both of you
getting out of town.
And the next time you set
foot in Dodge City again,
you're gonna be right back
on that county work farm
where you ought to
have been all the time.
Now, get! Hurry up!
Mr. Deputy...
You be a hard man.
You betcha I'm a hard man.
You set foot in this town again,
I'll get on you like ugly on a ape.
- Here's to you, Uncle Finney.
- Uncle Finney.
Look at that cake. Look at that.
Yeah.
You gonna blow out your
candles, Uncle Finney?
Yeah.
Hold on here. Hold on.
Just a minute, Uncle Finney.
Now, I tell you, I think we all
ought to kind of pitch in here
and help Uncle Finney a little.
There you are!
In all the years in Dodge,
I can't remember anybody passing
the hundred mark, can you, Doc?
No, I swear I can't.
I can't... No, I can't.
I know somebody that's
knocking at the door.
Oh, hush up.
What I wanna know is, what does a man
think about, reaching 104 years of age?
- What?
- Reaching 104 years of age.
- What d'you think about?
- Think about?
Well, you've been
places and done things
that we've only read
about in the history books.
Well, young
fella, I'll tell you...
what I think about.
What I think about...
Well...
What I think about
is reaching 105.
- Matthew?
- Hello, Festus.
- You got here just in time.
- What's going on?
We got us a party going on in
there. Miss Kitty, she baked the cake.
Somebody's birthday?
Uncle Finney. He ain't my uncle,
but he's 104 years old today, Matthew.
And he's a horse thief.
Fact is, we owe a
$50 reward on him.
What?
Well, Matthew, it's going
to take a little while to tell it.
Why don't we go in yonder
and glom up on some of that cream
and sugar cake before it gets all gone?
Yes, it sounds like a good idea. It
also sounds like you've been having
kind of an interesting time
here while I've been gone.
Well, you could
say that, Matthew,
but you know me, I keep a
eyeball on everything in this town.
Ain't nothin' goes...
Stay tuned for scenes
from next week's Gunsmoke.