Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 11, Episode 26 - Which Dr. - full transcript

While on a fishing trip with Festus, Doc is abducted and forced to operate on a sick child, then ordered to be a bridegroom in a true shotgun wedding.

(dramatic theme music playing)

(both guns fire)

ANNOUNCER: starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.

Skeeter, you figure Uncle
Argonaut'll take us into town

next time he goes
to sell those hides?

Not if we's don't catch us a
mess of them buffs out there.

Well, I want to get me a pair
of those store-bought boots.

Like he'd give you
the hard cash for that.

Well, I do my share
of huntin' and skinnin'.

Well, you tell him, not me.

Now, you better get
one with the first shot.

(man whoops)

Now, what in thunder is that?

♪ Pawnee River, here I come ♪

♪ Do da, do da ♪

♪ Pawnee River ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

♪ Going to catch some fish ♪

♪ Going to catch some fish ♪

Gol' darn idiot! Hey!

- ♪ All the way ♪
- (shouting)



- Hey!
- Dudes.

Hey! Hey!

Who in the name of tarnation
was doing that singing?


Hyah! Hyah!

- (shouting)
- (gunshot)



Put that gun away.
Put it away now.

Look, mister, I was just...

We's been chasing
that herd since sunup.

And you run them off from us.

Well, I'm awfully sorry about...

Those buffs were
as good as our'n.

I ought to skin you alive.

- Well, I was just going fishing.
- Fishing?

Yeah, I heard the bass
are biting pretty good

up at the Pawnee.

The Pawnee's thataway.
Now, you start for it

and start for it now,
or I will skin you

and leave you standing
naked in your bones.

Well, if there's some way I can

- make it up to you, I'd...
- Get!

You citified,
ignorant young whelp,

before I turn these two
young'uns loose on you.

Uncle Argonaut, I'd...

I-I'd sure admire
to have his boots.

All right, Herk, boy.

You catch 'em
and they're your'n.

Yeah? (chuckles)

- (laughing)
- Hold it! I want them boots!

(theme music playing)


DILLON: Doc, you're
not your usual ornery self.

What's the matter, you
been working too hard?

Oh, yes, I have been
working too hard.

I've never seen anything...
Everything's gone wrong.

- What's the matter?
- Well, everything's the matter.

I've never seen such an
epidemic of broken bones and...

I haven't had any sleep in
four or five days and nights.

You know what I'm
gonna do, Matt? I'll tell you.

I'm gonna get a room
in the Dodge House

where nobody can find
me, and I'm gonna sleep

for about four or five days.

Well, that sounds like
it'll be a good sleep.

- (Doc muttering)
- Hi, Matt, Doc.

I got something to show you
that you just ain't gonna believe.

Well, uh, I've got to get
this on the afternoon stage.

- I'll look at it later.
- Doc?

No, Thad. No, no,
no, I'm too tired.

I haven't got time
to look at anything,

especially something that I...

What in the Sam Hill is that?

- It's bass.
- Bass?

Well, yeah, what's left of them.

I ate the rest. Brought
these back to show you.

No, those are not
bass. No, Thad.

Those are carp or cat...
No, they're not bass.

Well, I caught 'em myself.
Down on the old Pawnee.

On the Pawnee? There's
no bass in the Pawnee, Thad.

You ought to
stay out of the sun.

- These might be carp if it...
- All right.

- Suit yourself.
- Wait a minute. Hold it here.

Look at that tail.

By thunder, that
could be a bass.

Well, that's what I
was trying to tell you.

Well, don't tell me anything,
Thad, except how to get there.

- Well, it's not too far from here.
- Really?

Except you got to watch
out for the buffalo hunters.

I don't care anything
about buffalo hunters.

Where'd you catch
those bass, Thad?

- Sure you're not too tired?
- Oh, shut up, Thad!

Now, here, honest, tell me,

where-where did you
get 'em? Where did you?

Well, you know where
the Pawnee bends

right up near... above
there, Fort Larned?


Got here in time, didn't I?

Time for what?

Well, to go fishin', of course.

Well, I'd say,
considering the fact

that you haven't been invited,

you got here in
plenty of time, yeah.

Oh, just wait a minute, now.

It ain't you a-doin' me a
favor; it's me a-doin' you one.

You know, it would
certainly be interesting

to know how your
devious little mind arrived

at a conclusion like that.

Well, I'll tell you how.

It's on account of old
Argonaut Moonercan.


That old buffalo hunter
Thad was telling you about.

Well, I know all about
that. I don't want to.

Well, here's something
you don't know.

Now, that Moonercan
and his bunch

can get pretty raunchy

if a feller don't know
how to deal with 'em.

And you know just exactly
how to deal with 'em?

I hope to jump in
your best pocket, I do.

My second cousin,

Alphie Hominy Haggen,

used to know the Moonercans.

He left home ten years ago
and took up with that bunch.

And me and Alphie's
always been just like that.

Just like that, huh?

Well, I ain't never laid a
eye on the old coot myself,

but if'n I do, I'll know
how to deal with him.

Well, I'm not worried
about the Moonercans,

because, I'll tell you,
by the time I get there,

they'll probably be
way o... miles away.

Then again, they
just might not be,

and if you got a
Haggen with you,

you're gonna be as safe
as a tick on a hound dog

- with a stiff neck.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, come on, Doc.

Ever since I saw them
fish bones that Thad had,

I just been a-faunchin'
to glom onto one

- of them big ones and just...
- You're not fooling me a bit.

You're not fooling me a bit.
You've got it all figured out.

You're even figurin' on using
my fishing tackle, ain't you?

Oh, golly Bill, no, Doc.
I got my own hooks.

I can cut me a willow
pole when I get up yonder.

I got me some beeswax
saddle thread, and there's plenty

- of grasshoppers...
- Beeswax saddle thread

and grasshoppers?
You ought to be shot.

- Well...
- That's a crime against nature.

- Y...
- We're talking about bass!

Doc, us Haggens
say the mainest thing

is the catchin' 'em,
not how it's did.

I'm gonna fool you.

Against my better judgment,
I'm gonna take you fishin'.

For one reason only:

I'm gonna show you
how to catch a bass.

Well, you ain't
gonna be sorry, Doc.

I'll guarantee you that.
Here, let me help you.

Just don't touch anything.
Just leave every...

Here, you want to do something?

Just take that down
and put it in my rig.

And I'll be down there later.

What are you takin'
your doctorin' bag for?

Well, you just... I al...

Well, you just might get
your foot caught in a bear trap

and I'd have to
amputate your leg

and that might be a lot of fun.

All right, smart aleck,

I just think I won't
even go with you at all.

You can just suit yourself
about whether you go with me

or not, but I'm gonna
tell you something.

I'm going bass fishin', and
nobody's gonna keep me from it.

Not you or the Moonercans

or nobody.

Where's everybody
comin' from all at once?

Ain't you'uns got enough
room in them cities of your'n?

If one of these is your friend,
you better start talkin' to him.

- Fixin' to, Doc.
- Well, go on.

Say, is they one of you fellers

by the name of
Mr. Argonaut Moonercan?

Supposing I am, what about it?

Well, my name's Haggen.


Yes, sir. Festus Haggen of
the Moon Creek Haggens.

I been just a-bustin'
to howdy and shake.

Are you kin to Alphie
Hominy Haggen?

Kin? Why, we're second
cousins on my Aunt Fluter's side.

Me and Alphie's
always been as close...

If I ever set eyes on him again,

I'm gonna put a bullet square
through his side-winding head!

Wait a minute, I ain't done yet.

What I was fixin' to say

is me and Alphie ain't
never been closed.

Why, there's something about
him that I just never could stand.

Are you a Haggen?

Don't get insulting with me.

Well, you're a friend of one.

Well, I'd say, under
the circumstances,

that we're hardly more
than casual acquaintances.

Doc, that ain't true.

You and me's always been closed.

What's he mean by "Doc"?

Well, he means I'm a doctor.

A book-learnin' kind?

DOC: Book-learnin' kind.

I got somebody needs tending to.

Well, I'm not out here
to practice medicine,

I'll tell you that.
I'm going fishin'.

I never asked you
what you come for!

Throw that gun over here.

Move out! Thataway!

(horse sputters)

Get going!


Get on out of that
buggy, both of youse.

All right.

Now, who's been shot?


Now, who would shoot
a little nine-year-old gal?

Nine-year-old girl?

She's in there.

Festus, bring me my bag.

- What's the matter with her?
- Addie!

Addie's been doing
what she could,

but she ain't been much help.


What do you want, Pa?

Addie, this here's a...
a book-learnin' doctor.

He's gonna take a look at Piney.

But, Pa, I been treatin' her.

What do you want to
go get a stranger for?

Hush up!


Well, get in there!

You heared Addie.

There any more
favors you can think of?

Well, Doc, how did
I know that that...

Is it kind of sore there, is it?

What are you doing
that for, mister?

You don't call him "mister"...
You call him "Doctor."

But you're a doctor, Aunt Addie.

DOC: Piney.

You ever seen
anything like that?

Uh-uh. What is it?

Well, I'm gonna put
that in my ear like this,

and I'm gonna see
what makes you tick.

Now, just be quiet.

- Do I tick?
- (chuckles)

Sure, you do.

All little girls tick. Do
you know why they do?

'Cause they're always wound up.

- Like a clock?
- Mm-hmm.

I seen a clock
before. Pa took me.

Oh, he did?

What are you reading
that for, mister?

Well, I want to see
what's cooking inside you.

Is something cookin'?

Sure is.

Well, she's been feverin'
about three, four days now.


Oh, that hurts.

I'm sorry. We won't
do that anymore.

Now, I want you to just...

get a lot of rest and don't
think of anything, Piney.

That's kind of hard to do.

Oh, I know it is. I know it.

Well, you can
think of some things,

but, whatever you do, Piney,

don't think of a green cow.

- Why?
- Well... (chuckles)

I don't know. When you start
thinking about green cows,

you just can't stop.


You say she's had these
pains for about a week?

That's what I said.

Well, what have you
been doing for her?

Well, I been laying
chilled stones on her belly

and plasterin' her
with midnight poultices.

Well, now, the cold
stones on her stomach,

that's pretty good, but
what was... what is that?

Midnight poultices.

Well, wh-what's a... What is it?

Book-learnin' doctors!

It's mashed blackberries
fermented in goat's milk

and plastered on
the part that's ailin'.

That's what it is.

I've used midnight poultices
on more folk than you can count

on your fingers and your toes.

I won't ask you what
happened to 'em.

I sure don't want to stir
up no ruckus to you fellers,

but I'd sure appreciate knowing

what Cousin Alphie done
to get you all so riled up.

He married up with my niece,
Melanie Mae, is what he done.

You don't say so.

That little girl in there,
Piney, she's his'n.

Is that a fact?

She's all Moonercan, though.

There ain't a touch
of Haggen in her.

Oh, of course not.

You never seen a
Haggen pretty as her.

Well, my Aunt Tansy's
youngest young'un was a...

lookable little thing.

Shut up.

That no-account,
low-living cousin of your'n

deserted Piney's ma
before the child was born.

That's why we call her Piney.

'Cause her ma just
pined away and died.

I sure hate to hear
a thing like that.


You got a mighty
sick little girl there.

She's got a high fever.

She's got a lot of pain, too.


- Can't you do nothing for her?
- Yes.

I can operate on her.

- Cut on Piney?
- He's a crazy man, Pa.

It's the only thing to do.

- Well, you ain't gonna cut her.
- Hush up.

Ain't you got nothing
in that there bag in there

that can fix her up?

Not a thing.

You know how to cut on her?


I know how.

And cuttin' would cure
her? She'd perk up?

Can't promise you that, but I
can promise you something.

If I don't operate on
her, she's gonna die.

ADDIE: Pa, don't let him do it.

Cuttin' on a person like that
deliberate just ain't natural.

What do you think's natural?

In two days, I'm gonna
give her a good stiff dose

of the Seven Sisters.

Well, now, Addie,
is that anything like

your midnight poultice?

It's the only sure cure
for the hanging-on colic,

and that's all Piney's got.

If you've got a sure cure,
why haven't you given it to her?

'Cause it don't work 'cept'n
on the full moon... that's why.

Well, Piney hasn't got time
for us to argue about this.

If I don't operate on
her, she's gonna die.

Now, you got to
make that decision.

It's a mighty powerful judgment
for a man to have to make.

Piney's the
sweetest thing alive.

It'd be a sorry thing
if she was to die.

Well, I'll do the best I can.

So be it.

For Piney's sake and your'n,

you better see she don't die.

Well, I don't need any
rifles or people starin' at me.

Now, why don't you
get 'em out of here.

Don't just stand there
gawkin'. Do what he says!

You better keep
in mind what I says.

If anything happens to Piney,
you're gonna die slow-like.

Well, maybe you
better keep this in mind.

Your threats are not gonna
make one bit of difference

in the success
of this operation.

Now, I'm gonna need
some kind of a table.


Fetch some planking. We
got to rig up a table for Doc.

All right, Festus, hold
that lantern real steady.


come here.

I don't like this
bleeding, Addie.

I need you.

Addie, I want you to
put your hand right here.

Put your hand
right there, Addie.

That's it. Now this one here.

Now just press real firm there.


How's Piney?

I ain't never going through
nothing like that again,

if they was to hang me.

I asked you how Piney was.

Well, if I ever had what that
young'un had, I'd shoot myself.

Answer me, Haggen,
or I'll shoot you myself!

All right.

Doc said she come
through the operation good.

But he ain't gonna know
till tomorrow or the next day

whether she'll make it.

Ain't nothing to
do but just wait.


Wait... that's what we was
doing when the doc come here.


(Addie sniffles)

You catching a cold?

No, I ain't catching no cold.

Sure sounds like it.

Piney looks mighty palesome.

If you'd been
through what she has,

you'd be palesome, too.

I still say it ain't
natural, cuttin' on her.

Well, you done like
you knowed how.

(Piney exhales)

Well, hello there, young lady.

Hello, Mr. Doctor.

You decided to wake
up and join us, huh?


How do you feel?

Kind of... floaty.

Kind of floaty, huh? Well,
that's the medicine did that.

Do you hurt anyplace?


I guess the medicine
fixed that, too.

Mm-hmm. I think so.

You may hurt a little
after a while, but...

it's not gonna be like it was.

- Can I get up?
- Oh, no.

No. No, you can't
get up, but, I'll tell you,

you keep going like you are,
in a couple or three weeks,

you'll be as frisky
as a little rabbit.



You leaving now?

Just for a little while, Piney.

I'll be back.

You still want me not to
think about a green cow?

Hmm? Oh! That's a good idea.

Don't think about green cows.

Well, Doc?

Well, Piney's
gone back to sleep.

Well, how is she?

Well, she's-she's
gonna be all right.

But it'll just take some time,
and what I need's some sleep.

Now, could you...

I'm sure glad that
young'un's gonna be fit, Doc.

Well, if I don't get
some sleep pretty soon,

I'm gonna throw a fit.

I-I found a good
lean-to last night.

Come on. I'll show you.

Addie, she-she
really gonna perk up?

Doc done fine by her, Pa.

You sure?

I'm sure.

can tell by lookin'?

I can tell.

Sure wished I had me some
coffee to start off the day.

Oh, coffee. We're going fishin'.

Yeah, but it ain't even
civilized not to have co...


Just look at those folks.

(clicks tongue) I've
saw poorly-looking folks,

but that sure is the
poorliest herd I've ever saw.

Well, where in thunder do
you suppose they came from?


Didn't figure you
fellas to be up so early.

Who in thunder are those folks?

Well, some's kinfolks

and others from skinnin'
camps roundabout.

Well, I'm going fishin'. I'm
not here to practice medicine.

Now, Piney was an emergency.

Well, they need tending
to, Doc. You can see that.

Yes, I can see that.
I'm going fishin'.

Come on, Festus.

(baby crying)

Doc, my young'un's gotten
awful pains and crying and all.

I'm afeared he's
got what Piney had.

Well, looks a little bilious.

Probably got the colic.

Have you tried paregoric?

I never heared of it.


What's wrong with him?

I took some bird shot out

of his leg about a
month or so back.

About a month or so?

Take this, Festus,
and get out of my sight.


I'll see this baby first
and then him and then...

you figure it out.
I'll get my bag.

All right, now, that's gonna
be awful sore for a while,

but you stay off that
leg, you hear me?

- See you in a minute.
- Thank you, Doc.

Oh, that's all right.

- Just keep the baby warm, now.
- Yeah.

Let me see that, Addie.

Oh, that's fine.

Oh, that's just fine.


Put some of that on
there, and then wrap it up.

Just remember, now,
three times a day on that.


FESTUS: Doc? Doc, looky here.

Well, did you enjoy yourself?

Golly Bill, Doc, you have
never saw a fish bite...

Oh, get 'em out of my fa...


Doc, how's things a-going?

Just as far as they're
gonna go. I'm leaving!

Well, now, Doc,
now, that's something

that's got to be talked about.

Well, you're gonna
be talking to yourself.

Reckon it's gonna be a spell
before you see Dodge again.

What do you mean by that?

Well, we ain't never
had a proper doctor.

Now that I've got one,
I'm aiming to keep him.

Well, now, you talk as though

I haven't got a thing in
the world to say about this.

Now, just suppose

that I hitch up my buggy
and ride out of here.

What are you gonna do, shoot me?

Why, I just told
you, we need you.

You try to leave,
we're gonna shoot him.

That's a good idea.

- (gunshot)
- Wait a minute, Doc!

He means it.

(goofy laughing)

got a lot of sick folks.

Seems to me

that, uh, things like that
would interest a man like you.

Well, there are
sick folks in Dodge.

Now, what about them?

Same thing we done before
you come along, I reckon.

'Less they can catch
theirselves a doctor of their own.

I am their own doctor!

Now, you listen to me.

They're gonna get
curious about where I am,

and they're gonna
come looking for me!

Yeah, I thought about that.

Well, what did you
decide about it?

Well, first off, we
move around quite a bit.

- Well, they'll find me!
- Me, too.

They sure will.



You take care of that
little chore I give you?

Sure did.

- Herk?
- Huh?

You got them things
Uncle Argonaut wanted?

Yeah. Right here.

Well, them there look like...

Well, them there looks
like graveyard markers.

What are you gonna do with them?


Mighty sad thing,
them stampeding buffs

stomping you like they done.

That's sheer idiocy.

My foot! What about
when the law catches you?

Hello, Sam.

- Hi, Marshal. Hi.
- Hi, Sam.

Well, where's Kitty?

Oh, she had some errands to run.

Can I buy anybody a beer?

No, not for me, thanks.

I just finished my lunch,
Thad, but thanks anyway.


it looks like I'll just
have to drink alone.

Are you sure that beer
is all you really want?

Sam, did Doc say what
day he's coming back?

He sure didn't.

I think he said
two or three days,

although I don't know for sure.

Then he should have
been back yesterday.

Well, the fishing's
awful good up there.

Well, Dodge would sure be
lost if Doc ever left for good.

Oh, he's having
himself a fine time.

Kind of wish I was
up there with him.

DILLON: Well, you just got back.

Well, yeah,

but you wouldn't believe the
way them fish snap at your hook.

You throw your line
out there, and no sooner

than it hit the water, and,
bam, you got yourself hooked.

And he starts a-jumping
and a-flying all over the place,

and you've got a
fight on your hands,

because he's a smart
one, and if he gets

over on them rocks over
there, you're out of luck.

And he starts
wiggling a little bit,

and you just try to pull
him a little bit out that way

and a little bit out this way
to get him in the middle.

And he's jumping. Come on!

Thad, look out!

Thad, looks like you lost him.

(crickets chirping)

(Skeeter sniffles, sighs)


(Festus groans)

Old Argonaut told the
truth about one thing.

Got plenty good vittles
in this place, ain't they?

Yeah, you're beginning
to like it here, huh?

Well, the vittles is good.

The folks is friendly,

a good soft pallet to sleep on

and plenty of time
for fishing and...

Oh, sure.

Yeah, lot of time for fishing.

(Doc groans softly)

Well, did you have some
good patients today, Doc?

Patients? Good heavens.

I never saw so many
patients in my life.

I tell you, I feel...

I feel about a
hundred years old.

You don't look like
you're over 75 or 80.

Suppose you could keep
quiet a little while, while I think?

Now, there's just...

there's just something that
Argonaut hasn't figured out yet.

What's that?

What's he gonna do for
medicine when I run out?

Oh, I was supposed to tell you.

Argonaut said for you

to write down everything you
need in the way of medicine,

and he'd have the
boys pick it up for you

when they go into town.

Wasn't that thoughty of him?

You got to get up early
to beat these Moonercans.

Wait a minute.

What'd you say?

Oh, I said you got to
get up early to beat...

Wait. That's it.

It's exactly what we'll do.

We'll tell old Argonaut
we're going fishing,

and that I won't see a patient
until afternoon tomorrow...

Well, the fish
do bite that early.

Oh, hush. Shh.

We're not going fishing.

We're just gonna
tell him that now.

Where do they keep the horses?

Where do they keep
'em? You know that?

In the corral down
yonder in them trees.

Depending on how sound
they sleep around here,

I'm figuring on getting us into
Dodge or getting us both shot.

- Is that all right?
- Shh.

(whispering): Is
that all right, Doc?

Oh, now, here.

Here. Why don't you...

carry that?

Doc, I don't think
it's gonna work.

Why not?

Well, because
it... it's too easy.

Oh, hush. Just come
on, now, follow me.


- good morning.
- FESTUS: Howdy, Skeeter.

We just thought we'd,
uh, go fishing this morning.

Y-Yeah. Say, we're ever
so much obliged to you

for protecting us like... that.

Now, don't you forget, Festus.

Whoever catches
the smallest one's got

to clean every one of 'em.

Well, that's bound to be
you, 'cause nothing but them

big'uns climb onto my bait.

You get it.

Ain't here, Doc.


SKEETER: Well, now,
would you looky here.

Appears like I catched
me a couple of varmints.

(rustling in brush)

- All right, quit.
- Oh.

Why, you fellas
sure do get up early.

Sure hope you slept well.

This fresh air out here
makes folks sleep like babies.

Well, it don't do nothing
for old hooty owl here.

ARGONAUT: Skeeter?
Oh, he gets restless at nights.

Doc, there's some folks
that want to see you.

I don't want to see anybody.

Ah, you won't feel like that

after you've had some
of Addie's corn pone.

Go fetch it, Addie.
Fetch some for all of us.

Oh, Grandpa told me to tell you

that his leg ain't
paining him no more.

Of course not. I took
that bird shot out of there.

Well, I thought
I had it all out.

I guess I didn't
cut deep enough.

Well, the deep ones... they're
the ones that cause the trouble.

Thought there was
gonna be some corn pone.

Oh. I made some
for Piney this morning.

(Argonaut sighs)

Just as well as to have
got caught in a bear trap.

(footsteps approaching)

Now, go on, get in there.

I said get!

Well, you know,
that gun may go off.

It just might if you don't get.

All right.

FESTUS: Will you looky there.

DOC: Thad!

The one that run off our buffs.

What are you doing here?

DOC: What are you doing here?

Well, I got worried about you.

(laughs) Hey, look what I
got here, Uncle Argonaut.


Why in thunder did you
let him see these here two?

Oh, I didn't think.

What you doing
back up here, boy?

I like to fish.

Now we got three of 'em.

You want me to make another
grave mark, Uncle Argonaut?

Nah. We can't bury
everybody that comes by here.

You bet you can't!

And there's gonna be
others coming here, too.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Too bad you ain't kin to
us, Doc, like Haggen here.

Then you'd feel obligated
to do our doctoring for us.

I ain't no kin to you,
excepting by marrying, that's all.

Well, that's kin enough.

You married, Doc?

Course not.



Pa, here you are.


see if you and Daisy Lou can
fetch out that marrying dress.


Seeing the way Addie's
been favoring you of late,

I think it would be right proper

if you two were to
marry up with each other.

Then we'd all be
kin, wouldn't we?

Well, morning, Marshal.

Oh, hello, Sam.

Don't tell me you're
heading for the Pawnee.

Well, as a matter
of fact, I am, Sam.

Afraid there's something more

than fishing keeping
them out there.

You really think there's
something wrong?

Well, it's not like Doc
to stay away this long.

Well, I find myself
thinking the same thing.

Well, I'm not waiting
around any longer.

I'll see you in a few days.

Addie, you're glowing
like a stoked-up cook stove.


I never thought I'd
be getting married.

Chance comes to us all in time.

All you got to do is
hope that when it comes

that it's right and
fitting and that it'll last.

Aunt Addie?


I don't like you no more.


Well, I was figuring on marrying
Mr. Doctor when I growed up.


By that time, Doc will
really be too old for marryin'.

- Daisy Lou?
- Yeah?

Do you reckon
he's too old for me?

Ain't no man too old to
marry up with a woman

who'll make him happy.

Now, come on, come
on, now, let's-let's just see

if this dress is tooken
in enough, huh?

Skeeter, put the cake on
the end of the table there.

Don't you drop it.

Cynthy Ann's been up
all night fixing that cake.

Yeah, looks good
enough to eat, huh?

Fit for a wedding,
ain't it? (laughs)

Put the trestle down there.

Put the whiskey
barrel on that trestle.

Dang it. Dang it!

Doc, just don't you fret.

Now, me and old Thad, we'll...

We'll think of
something. Won't we?

Of course we will.

Y-You see, what this thing is,

is, it's just plum
crazy's what it is.

Of course it is. In
fact, it's ridiculous.

It's impossible.

It can't happen.

It's fixin' to happen.

Well, I know that. I...

- Hey, Doc.
- What?


There's one thing
that's kind of good, Doc.

Addie ain't so uglysome

that you just can't
stand to look at her.

I recollect a cousin of mine
that was so ugly that you...

ADDIE: Doctor?


Is the time came?

Not just yet.

Can I talk to you?

What do you want to talk about?


Well, get out of here.

Go on, Thad, get
out. Both of you.

Well, what do you
want to say, Addie?

Well, I just wanted
to say to you...

Well, I know I
ain't all that much,

but I can cook and sew,

and I wash more'n some.


And I'll do for you

all I can.

I'm obliged to be
marrying up with you.

I truly mean that.

And I'll make you happy.

Leastwise I'll do my best.

I reckon that's all I
want to say to you.


It's all wrong,
don't you see that?

Well, I see it some.

Well, then...

For you.

For me, marryin' up with you

is the best thing that
ever happened to me.

Addie, I'm older
than your father.

Oh, I don't mind that.

Now, listen to me, Addie.

Marriage is not
like this at all.

No, marriage... You
have to have love

and understanding

and a whole lot of things.

You don't get
married just because

somebody else wants you to.

It's wrong.


I want you to go right
straight to your father.

You just tell him it's wrong

and tell him that you're...

you're just not gonna do it.

Won't do no good.

Pa's made up his mind.

And once that's did,

it's did.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here in
the sight of the Almighty...

- Just a minute.
- To hitch this pair in matrimony.

- Now, just hold on.
- To join in matrimony.

- If anybody's got a reason...
- I got a reason.

- Why this
shouldn't be, - I got...

exceptin' the groom,

let him say his
piece here and...

That's what I'm gonna
do, here and now.

Now, listen to me, all of you.

This is the most ridiculous
farce I've ever heard of.

It ain't no use.

It ain't no use to read
this thing any further.

We all know what
we're here for, anyhow.

It's to hitch this pair
in double harness.

I reckon I'll just
ask the questions.

There won't be any answers.

Addie, honey, you take
this fellow for your lawful,

wedded husband, don't you?

Don't answer him. Don't answer.

If you say so, Pa.

Doc, do you take this woman...

- I do not!
- Y'all heard him say yes.

- I heard him. -I heard him.
- What?

You. I could have left that

bird shot in your
miserable leg, you...

- (laughing)
- Uncle Argonaut,

- there's someone arrived here.
- All right,

take a couple of fellers and
get out there and stop him.

Yes, sir. Pete, Riley.

- Doc, that there's Matthew.
- You bet it is.

- Who's he?
- I'll tell you who he is.

He's Matt Dillon, the United
States Marshal from Dodge City.

You give the word, Uncle.

I can drop him with one bullet.

Ah, the trouble with
shooting the law,

Herk, boy, is that they
just send more law.

And if you shoot
them, they send more,

and you just don't
get anyplace thataway.

All right, put away your guns.

It looks like fate's
against you again, don't it?

I wouldn't say so.

Doc, Addie, I now
pronounce you man and wife.

- You can't do it.
- I just done it.


What's going on here, Doc?

Well, I'll tell you what's
going on. This old...

Well, he's kidnapped
me, that's what he's done.

And he's held me captive
here, Festus and me.

Now he thinks he's
married me to his daughter.

That's right, Marshal,
and it's binding.

Just as binding
as all the weddings

I done for everybody else here.

Who are you?

Well, Argonaut Moonercan.
You heard of me, ain't you?

Oh, yeah. Yes, I think
I have heard of you.

Well, Doc. So, uh, so
you married him off, huh?

That's right, Marshal.

DILLON: Congratulations, Doc.

Of course, you did have
a license, didn't you?


Marriage license?

You mean, uh, marrying
ain't legal without one?

That's right. It's been the law

for some time now in this state.

I tried to tell you that.

Well, now, that does shrink
the hide off'n the rack, don't it?

How's that?

Well, if folks here
was to find out

about that license business,
I'd be in an awful fix.

You bet you would.

You and I have got a little
talking to do, Moonercan.

Why, sure, Doc.

You've made me good and mad,

and it's a good thing for you
that I'm not a vindictive man.

That's mighty
pleasuresome to hear, Doc.

All right, now,
the first thing is:

These folks have been
planning on a party,

and I want you to
see that they have one.

Well, that's
right. That's right.

You folks all jump in the
vittles and have some fun.


You, uh, you don't mind if I
join the wedding party, do you?

Why, sure, Marshal.

(indistinct chatter)


Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Herk. Hey, Skeeter,
get over here.

Get that thing off of...

Well, you sure catch a lot
of fish, ain't you, Festus?

Well, you ain't complaining
about cleaning my fish?

No, no, I ain't complaining,
Festus, honest, I ain't.

Doc, you ain't caught none.

You want me to put
a worm on your hook?

Don't tell me how to
fish. Why don't you and...

Why don't both of you
go down there and see

how old Matt and Thad
are doing. Get out of here.

Doc, did you see that
last big'un I hooked there?

Haven't seen any bass yet.

Well, I ain't got started yet.

Now, if you'd watch me,

I could learn you a
few things about fishing.

Addie, are you gonna hide
behind that tree all day there?

Pa said you wanted to see me.

I do.

He sure has gentled
down like a wore-out mule.

(soft chuckle) Well...

that's good.

Wonder if he's
gentled down enough

so that he wouldn't mind
if you came into Dodge.

- Doc... I... What do you mean?
- I...

Well, I think that, maybe
if you came into Dodge

and kind of hung around
the office a little while,

I might be able to teach you
something about medicine.

Teach me medicine?

Well, now, hold
on a minute, just...

I didn't say I was gonna
make a doctor out of you

or anything like that, but
maybe I could teach you enough

so at least you wouldn't
go around poisoning folks.

Doc, do you really think that...

Well, I think... I...

Well, Addie,

I think you got a...

a wonderful way about
you with-with sick folks.

I watched you with Piney

and then all those other
folks, and some of them...

some of them were
pretty bad, and, Addie...

you've got a wonderful
feeling for doctoring.

- Well, now, here...
- I ain't never been so happy

- in all my life.
- Now, quit it.

Now, Addie, here. Stop.

Stop this, now. Quit.

Good heavens, Addie.

Pa! Pa.

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