Growing Up Fisher (2014): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Man with the Spider Tattoo - full transcript

Because dad was blind, he developed

the keen sense of the world.

He could navigate a place the
second he walked through the door.

[Thuds]

Of course, first he'd
have to find that door.

[Knocks on door]

He could read a person
from their first "Hello".

[Door opens]

- Hey, Mel. What's up?
- Sloan. Great news.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is coming
to the charity thing Friday.

That's awesome.



You got to get me his autograph.

Why don't you get his
autograph? You're my plus one.

Unless...

You're not canceling on me, are you?

I am. My ex-wife called last night.

She's feeling very lonely.

One thing led to another, and...

Boom! My first divorced booty call.

I'm hoping to roll it into a
five-day four-night booty staycation.

Is she here? Now?

She's in the bed.

If she was here I'd introduce
her to you. I'm a gentleman.

All right. Well.

[Sighs] I guess I'll find somebody else.



But hey, I'll... I'm happy for you.

- Oh my God. Are you...?
- Totally.

It's fine. You're blind.

And I've never been more grateful.

♪ Let's tell the world all
the things we've done ♪

♪ Places we've been
in the setting sun ♪

♪ I've got a song and
a smile so bright ♪

♪ I'll make you wish
you were here tonight ♪

♪ I'll make you wish
you were here tonight ♪

[Grunting]

Okay, okay. Pause, pause out.

Is there always this much
running in basketball?

Your legs are, like, 8 feet tall.

You cross the court in two steps.

I know.

I'm just one day three of my raw food diet.

Okay, I gotta get my mind off eating.

[Sniffs]

Is someone barbecuing?

Hello, Mrs. Fisher. Nice to see you.

Runyen, in the car now!

Whoa, your mom sounds super pissed.

I knew this would happen
when report cards came out.

Got a "B" in algebra.

Henry, you didn't tell
me report cards came out.

How did you do?

I got a "B" in algebra!

That's fantastic!

Ah! Let's celebrate with some raw almonds.

- I don't really like...
- I'll eat yours.

When dad got Elvis, he
gained his independence

and lost a great deal of dignity.

Did daddy forget your kong?

That's okay.

You can play with the other doggies'.

You excited for that
charity thing Friday night?

I don't have a plus one,
so I'm not gonna go.

What? No, dad, you have to go.

Can't you just go by yourself?

Nah, that'd be weird.
Empty seat at the table.

I don't need anybody feeling sorry for me.

- She took off, Mel.
- Ah.

Got two lattes, two muffins.
Let's just call it 2 bucks.

2 bucks? Really, Don?

Hey, don't I always take care of you?

- Hey, Hunter...
- Hey.

About that party Friday night
at my dad's apartment...

Yeah, totally stoked.

I was able to move my thing, so I'm in.

It's still on, right?

Of course it's still on.

My dad's got this charity thing

that he is going to.

So I'll text you the address.

Or I could just write it down.

I-I don't have a pen.

You sure about that?

Oh, wow. Magic.

Umm. I-I'll be right back.

Dad. I've been thinking about this.

Friday night. You need to
go to that charity event.

Wow. You are really invested in this.

And I'll tell you why.

This is the first big event
since the divorce and the dog,

and mom's not gonna be there.

So you don't want people
saying that Mel didn't go.

You want people saying that
Mel did go with someone cool.

Doesn't have to be that cool.

It's a room full of lawyers,
so the bar's pretty low.

Nice one.

Well, how lucky am I to have a daughter

who cares so much about her old man?

She's gone, buddy.

Ah.

She talking to that kid with the shih-tzu?

Yeah. You worried about him?

Nah, he's fine.

She starts talking to
a boy with a pit bull,

then I might worry.

[Chuckles]

- I'm Mel.
- Hey, Pete.

What kinda dog you got there, Pete?

- A poodle.
- Smartest breed.

Though he tanked his SAT's.

Yeah, well, the opposable thumbs

come in handy with a number two pencil.

That's true.

Dad made a nice new friend.

Maybe everything was gonna work
out for everyone exactly...

Oh, my God!

[Blows whistle]

Okay, everyone, let's try the spiral.

[Classical music plays]

It's all in the wrist.

After that school lunch,

it just makes me feel
like I'm just gonna...

[Imitates retching]

Cut it out, dude.

Okay, what's up?

You've been avoiding me all day,

and you can't care this much
about rhythmic gymnastics.

I have to care!

My mom says I have to get my grades up

she doesn't want us to hang out anymore.

What?

She says you're a bad influence.

She said what?

Mom, relax. Runyen's mom will get over it.

Don't overreact.

I'm not overreacting,

considering what she said,

and how light-headed I am.

I'm sorry, I'm in sugar withdrawal.

Oh, oh.

Yeah.

You're hitting that cherry
chapstick really hard.

There's no carbs in chapstick.

When are you going to college?

[Whispers] I'm sorry.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, doggy.

Just us bringing you all of my crackers

and cookies and everything else
that makes life worth living.

- Hey, you found a friend.
- Yeah, this is Roscoe.

His owner, Pete, he's in the bathroom.

Great guy, and he's gonna come
to the charity thing with me.

Oh, my God, that's great!

I can't wait to tell everyone...

About your news.

Mel, what is in that soap?

My hands feel like silk,

but they smell like christmas trees.

Guys, say hi to Pete.

- Hey.
- Hi, Pete.

Hey. Joyce, wife, ex-wife.

Usually not here. Raw food diet.

And your dad's told me
so much about you guys.

Which one is the favorite?

Oh, it's Henry.

Yep, 12 years straight.

Look at that cute face.

Look at that...

Face.

So Donnie Baseball brought in Jansen.

Jansen?

Look at the man.

Look at the... the spider man.

Henry, stop being so...

weird.

Joyce, are those snickerdoodles?

Ho, ho! Toss those over here.

Here you go, Peeeete...

[Box clatters]

Enjoy the snickerdoodles, Pete.

- It was great to meet you.
- Take care.

Did you see that?

The huge spider web tattoo
taking up half his face?

Yeah, we saw it.

Did he do that on purpose?
Was that a decision?

A stupid decision he made
to put that on his face?

We have to tell your father.

He cannot take him to
his stupid lawyer thing.

He'll look like a stupid lawyer.

Of course we have to tell him.

That stupid lawyer thing
means a lot to dad.

Okay, you guys wait here.

I'm gonna go tell him.

No, no, no, no. It'll be
better coming from us.

I guess you're right.

If I tell him, then I look
like the buzzkill ex-wife

who doesn't want him to have a good time.

We'll break it to him gently.

It'll be tough, but we'll do it.

Tell him anything, and I'll destroy you.

We can't let him bring
spider-man to his lawyer party.

I mean, unless he was the real spider-man.

That'd be cool.

It's important for dad

to step outside his comfort zone

and expand his social circle.

He should get out of the
house for a couple of hours.

Oh, my God, you're having a party.

Just because you and dad have no friends

doesn't mean I can't.

Can I come?

Hi, Soojin. Joyce, Henry's mom.

Oh, yes, hi.

Do you have a sec to talk about the boys?

Of course. Let's talk.

Okay.

Uh, okay.

Well, um, Henry said...

- Donut hole?
- Oh, no, no, no.

I am on a raw food diet.

You don't realize the
horrible effects of sugar.

She's right. This is not worth 18 points.

I guess one donut can't hurt.

[Muffled] That is so good.

Anyway, uh...

Anyway, Henry said that Runyen said

that you said Henry's a
bad influence or something?

I'm sure it's just a miscommunication.

No, I did say that.

So it's a little bit of a
stuffy crowd tomorrow night.

You know, lawyers. Probably
oughta wear a suit.

No problem. Got plenty of 'em.

I used to work at a bank
before I found my true calling.

- Drifter?
- Murderer?

Web design.

- I could see that.
- Web. Makes sense.

All right, buddy, see you tomorrow.

See you later. Come on, Roscoe.

Firm handshake.

Appreciates a good dark beer.

Owns a poodle and proud of it.

I like that Pete.

Me too.

I think we all agree
that Pete's just great.

And good night.

You're an excellent
judge of character, dad.

Well, do you know who I judge
to be of excellent character?

You.

You're giving me too much credit.

You pushed me the way I used to push you,

in a good way, so thanks.

Pete has a face tattoo.

A what?

He has a giant face tattoo!

It's a giant spider web.

It's, like, on his cheek
and forehead and eyelid.

His eyelid!

I mean, who would get
a tattoo on his eyelid?

I mean, doesn't that hurt with
the needle and the poking?

I just don't get it.

So Pete has a face tattoo.

I mean, is that really that weird?

It would be less weird
if he didn't have a face.

So weird!

Ugh. Yeah, you're right.

I can't take him to this thing.

Three years ago, Bob Royce

brought a guy with an eyebrow ring.

Everybody still calls him "Eyebrow Bob."

But I already invited Pete.
What am I supposed to do?

I got you covered.

Break-ups are my specialty.

Henry is sweet. Henry is thoughtful.

Henry always unloads the dishwasher.

Would a bad influence do that?

He's just reacting to his environment,

and lately things seem
a little bit unsettled

in the Fisher household.

Sorry, households.

My family and our households are settled.

Damn it, I really need one with sprinkles.

Okay, 'cause there doesn't
seem to be a lot of structure.

You're just jealous that Runyen thinks

the Fishers are more fun.

The Hans are fun.

We own a donut shop.

Well, at least I don't treat
my son like an employee.

I don't treat Runyen like an employee.

That's right, employees get paid.

Ooh!

Oh, no, I'm leaving.

I'm gonna go get some cake,

'cause that's what
donuts really want to be.

I've got a plan that's
gonna make this pain-free.

One, do this in public.

Less chance of a scene.

- Hey, Pete.
- Hi, Mel.

If you're sitting down, sit close.

But not too close.

What's up?

Don't waste time with small talk.

Just rip the band-aid right off.

Listen, Pete, it turns
out the charity thing

is just not gonna happen tonight.

Really? How come?

I know you wanna be
honest, and I respect that.

But you need to bury that honesty

in a web of lies.

[Chuckles] I said web. Get it?

Anyway...

Well, turns out I don't have a plus one.

And the tickets are all sold out.

So if you showed up, it would just be...

It would be weird.

Because I don't have a ticket

or because of something on my face?

And if he confronts you, sit tight.

I'll handle the extraction.

Pete, I think someone's poodle got out.

I think it might have been Roscoe.

Damn it. Roscoe!

Roscoe!

Shall we go?

You have a gift.

A very disturbing gift.

Hey, uh, so I heard your
mom came by the shop.

Yeah.

I-I'm sorry, man.

My mom acted like such a jerk.

Please, my mom was a jerk.

I can't believe your mom
would get into it like that.

She's usually so uptight.

Yeah.

Oh, I mean, she's not uptight.

She just cares about me.

Well, yeah, my mom cares about me too.

She just shows it in a more... loving way.

Are... are you saying my mom's not loving?

The woman is a saint.

A saint that only loves you
when you get good grades.

You take that back.

Wish I could, but I can't.

So I won't.

[Classical music plays]

♪ ♪

The woman is a saint!

All: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight!

All right, break it up, break it up.

Break it up.

Really?

You're calling this a fight?

♪ ♪

I feel lousy about the way
things went down with Pete.

Well, don't. Get your
head back in the game.

Meet someone new.

Katie was helping dad get back in the game

out of the goodness of her heart.

And also to salvage her party.

Eh, 50/50.

The sooner you meet someone, the better.

I mean, tonight's the night. Tick-tock.

Make that 60/40.

Wait.

It's that guy with the pug.

He's always dress nice

He's at the table, filling
up his travel doggie dish

How's his face?

Tattoo-less.

I'm on it.

Hi, I'm Mel.

Hey.

Boy, those collapsible dog dishes

are pretty great, huh?

Yeah, they're super handy.

Yeah, so, uh, what are you,
married or single or...

[Laughs] What?

Oh, no, I'm... I'm not
trying to pick you up.

Which might be what I would say

if I was trying to pick
you up, but I'm not.

I'm not trying to pick you up.

I'm... I'm just looking for a friend.

R-really looking for a companion,

you know, which really,

really sounds like I'm trying to...

yeah, okay. Take care.

[Sighs] Wow.

You know, there's a reason they say

not to talk to strangers.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

Well, we're gonna have
a problem, then, Don,

because I talk to you,
and you're pretty strange.

[Laughs] Yeah, but you've never seen me,

Mel, and I am beautiful.

So I tell you what, here's a free coffee

for my recently humiliated friend.

Thank you.

Don takes care of me.

You and Don seem to be, uh...

Oh, what's the word?

Friendly?

Yeah, he's a good guy.

And I guess we have a
lot in common, you know,

baseball, and we're about
the same age, I guess,

and I get where you're going with this.

Hey, Don.

No way. Are you kidding me?

Look, Babe Ruth did it all without steroids

and still managed to get a candy bar

named after him, so listen, Eyebrow Bob.

You and A-rod, you can both kiss my cheeks,

and not the ones you can see.

That's the best offer
Eyebrow Bob's had in a while.

- Wasn't even my eyebrow!
- Aww.

Hey, Jesse, get Eyebrow Bob

one of the overpriced drinks here, will ya?

[Chuckles] That's right, yeah.

Make it a double.

Here, boy.

[Chuckling] Eyebrow Bob.

[Light jazz music plays]

Hey, Don, thanks for coming, man.

This is really fun.

Hey, I'm having a great time.

Thanks for having me.

So this Ray of Light Foundation...

Yeah?

Isn't it weird to call it ray of light

when it's a blind thing?

No, it's a... it's a
charity for homeless kids.

[Chuckles] I thought it was for your...

situation.

I... my situation?

Yeah, you know, your eye sitch.

I mean, isn't that why you're on the board?

No, I'm on the board

of the California Bar Association

'cause I'm an attorney.

A blind attorney?

Is that a thing?

[Sighs] Yeah, Don, I'm...

I'm a thing.

As dad's night was taking a turn,

Katie's night was just getting good.

- [Knock at door]
- Hunter's here!

Okay, everyone, be cool.

But don't act like you're being cool.

Just be cool.

Oh, hey, Hunter.

I totally forgot you were coming.

Cool.

- I brought you something.
- Oh.

[Alternative rock music plays]

French onion dip.

[Laughs] Oh, thanks.

[Whispers] Oh, my God.

So just because I'm blind,

it really didn't occur to you
that I could be an attorney?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No.

Unbelievable.

I mean, a lawyer?

And here you are, using your blindness

to get free coffee from me.

Wait, that's why you were
giving me free coffee?

Well, I... Oh, my God.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is over there.

Kareem!

Yeah, come on over here!
Take a picture! Don't leave!

Don, come on, keep your voice down.

No, it's not for me.
It's for my blind friend!

Flash him the dog, will ya?

- Are you kidding me?
- Make him see that you're, you know...

That I'm what? That I'm with an idiot?

I'll see you around the Dog Park, jackass.

Mel, it's Karee...

With dad out of the
apartment, Katie finally got

to hang out with the guy of her dreams...

- Was this your card?
- No.

Who was a complete nightmare.

[Scoffs] Guess I must've...

[Snorts, gags]

[Groans]

Ate it.

[Chuckles]

That's disgusting.

And for my next trick,

I will need a beautiful volunteer.

Hey, N-Nicole!

Hey... Hey, girl.

Look at this!

You totally saved me.

He keeps doing magic tricks.

But that's so cute.

Turns out it's the opposite of cute.

- [Dog barking]
- Elvis, no.

Oh, my God. Shh!

Shh, everybody! My dad's home!

So just stand still and don't make a sound.

And turn that off.

- [Lock clicks]
- Okay.

Get out of there.

Hey, dad, you're home! Hi!

Hey, why are you standing
right by the front door?

Why are you standing right by the door

and not at your charity event?

Yeah, turns out our buddy Don

was a little bit of a... [Sighs]

I don't know, what do you call a guy

who's like a racist but with blind people?

- A jerk?
- That.

Yeah, he just reduced me to nothing more

than a poor, pathetic little...

- Dad!
- What?

Nothing, I just...

You're right, you're
right. I can't get mad.

I mean, I just did the
same exact thing to Pete,

judging a book by its...

face tattoo.

[Rings jingle]

Oh, no.

My bracelets fell on the ground,

- is what that sound was.
- [Mouthing] I'm sorry.

I don't know how you girls
wear all that jewelry.

- Yeah, we're vain.
- Well...

Good night. I'm gonna get to bed.

Sweet. I-I mean, sweet dreams, dad.

Love you.

Love you too.

Oh, and tell your 10 to
15 friends to go home.

14. Wow, he's good.

If my best friend had been there,

I would have been playing one-on-one

with that basketball instead of...

Yeah, I really did that.

- Okay, Henry.
- Nothing.

First, let me get the
mother stuff out of the way.

Fighting is bad, young man.

Okay, now time for the fun part.

"Thank you for defending me" cookies.

I'm not hungry.

Nope. I'm taking you over to the Hans'.

I'm gonna get you back
together with Runyen.

- Really?
- Yep.

Even if it means groveling
to his stupid mother,

who I'm sure is great
once you get to know her.

Lots of stress in small business.

Oh, look, they're coming to see us.

Oh, no, no, no.

She is not gonna apologize before me.

[Car alarm beeps]

Wha... what do you know? [Laughs]

This is so funny. We
were just at your house.

- Uh...
- What a coincidence.

- Mrs. Fisher, I wanted...
- Joyce.

Please. Oh, wow, donuts.

Thank you.

Joyce, listen, I wanted to say...

Both: I'm sorry.

No, no, that's... Yes,
that's what I was saying.

No, no, I acted so inappropriately.

Oh, it was all me,

which is why I am the
one apologizing the most.

'Cause the important thing is the boys.

- I'm still more sorry.
- Well, you know, let me just...

Did you hear I said I'm sorry?

Oh, no, it's fine.

Go ahead, buddy.

Listen, Pete, I-I want to apologize

for yesterday.

The truth is I didn't want to take you

to the event because of your tattoo.

No!

- [Laughs]
- That was surprising,

being judged by you, of all people.

- Yeah, I know, yeah.
- A bald guy.

[Laughs] Yeah.

Um, you know, not for nothing,

and I-I mean, I don't
want this to be awkward,

but I, uh...

you want to ask about the tattoo?

- I really do.
- It's a doozy of a story.

I bet.

So about seven years ago,

I'm learning how to stain glass in Houston.

And this... Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

- What?
- This guy's not cleaning up

after his dog.

I thought that smell was lingering.

You wanna clean up after your dog?

Still don't hear the rustle of a bag!

Come on, ya jerk!

Yeah, this is a community here!

- He's more this way, Mel.
- Thanks.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Who? Me?

Ooh. He looks pissed.

He's coming over here.

Nope. Walking away.

- Saw you tattoo?
- Yep

- So it has its perk.
- [Laughs]

Nice.