Growing Up Fisher (2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - Blind Man's Bluff - full transcript

I met the most amazing man I'll
ever meet in my life when I was

4 1/2 minutes old.

Not that guy.

That guy.

My dad was blind.

But no one treated him differently

because he was blind.

I find that very interesting, Mr. Boyd.

Primarily because they didn't know.

He didn't want to be looked at differently,

so he used little tricks
to keep his secret.



Did you not say at your
previous deposition, and I quote,

line 21,

"thanks to Mr. Tyler's buyback,

the stock prices were artificially low"?

Well...

- Yes, but...
- Your witness.

Well, some people knew, like my Uncle Glen.

He and my dad had all sorts of maneuvers.

Like, Glen's book on
tape version of a menu.

Double cheeseburger. Hmm.

Too many calories for me.

I'll just get the shrimp salad.

Well, I'm getting that double cheeseburger.

People knew he couldn't see perfectly.



They just didn't know
he couldn't see at all.

But when my parents
split and dad moved out,

he made the decision to get Elvis

and come out to the world.

And when Mel Fisher came out...

- Forward.
- He came out hard.

Now you might wonder why he had a guide dog

and a cane.

Car!

Blind guy in a crosswalk, you idiot!

Because you can't hit a
car with your guide dog.

When mom and dad got divorced,
Katie was unwillingly appointed

mom's best friend/therapist/
everything else.

What you listening to?

You probably wouldn't know 'em.

Hey, how mad are we at Madelyn

for liking all of Amy's
boyfriend's status updates?

You can drop me off here.

I see Caitlyn.

Wait, not yet.

I feel like we haven't
had any K and J time.

You know what we should do?

Behave like a normal mother and daughter?

Have a hooky day.

I'll blow off my psych
class. We can go to the mall.

Shop for sparkly flip-flops.

What do you say?

It sounds nice.

But I know since you're my parent,

what you really want from me

is to stay in school and do well

so that I can get into a good college...

Hopefully out of state.

Keep it gaga, girl.

That's not a thing.

And Tom Hawkins is in town Thursday.

You and Glen are taking him to dinner.

Remember to get the
retainer check from him.

I wanted to talk to you about that.

Wow. Janice, your Glen
impression is spot-on.

Glen impression.

So what do you plan on telling Tom Hawkins

about the old eye situation?

Well, the truth, you know?

I've got a couple of 'em
sitting here on my face.

They're blue. The ladies seem to love 'em.

You know what I mean.

We haven't told our biggest
client that you are blind.

We've been lying to him
since the day we met.

We have never lied to Tom.

We may have led him

to form some incorrect conclusions.

Glenny-boy, you better take these.

I'm in no condition to drive. All right.

What, a blind guy can't get

the "don't drink and
drive" message out there?

You're crazy.

How is Cars scarier
than Paranormal Activity?

It's a kids' movie!

That's what's so disturbing.

It's a world with just
cars. There's no people.

Where are the people?

Who pumps the gas? Who built the roads?

It's this menacing secret.

The cars killed the people!

Hey.

Hey, Jenny.

Hi, we were just...

What's the deal with Cars, huh?

Why do they have seats?

If you sat in them, you'd
be inside their face.

Okay.

So when's the wedding?

Come on, man.

I'm telling him at dinner, Glen.

Just like I told all our other clients.

And we lost two of them.

I'm just saying, Tom
is 30% of our business.

We've had a rough year.

You with the divorce,

me going cold throwing craps at Pechanga.

I'm telling him.

I'm here, I'm blind, get used to it.

Or...

you pretend to be sighted one more time,

and we cash the check with
all the nice commas and zeros.

- Glen.
- Mel.

We've done it this long.

Just do it one more time.

I'm asking as your business partner,

as your brother, and as a new boat owner

who did not fully research marina fees.

Are you sure this is necessary?

Essential! As your best friend,

I cannot, in good conscience,

watch you go down in flames anymore.

- Must be a drag.
- It's a real bummer.

What you need is confidence,
so I'm gonna give you

the Runyen premium package make-over.

You do this every day?

You think all this just happens?

I'm up at 5:00 A.M...

hair, exfoliator, body spray.

Then I watch the sun rise.

Close your eyes.

Hurry. I gotta walk Elvis.

While I was learning the
benefits of hair spray,

mom was learning the benefits
of her new study partner.

All right, "what is an effective means

of engaging a shy personality?"

I'm gonna go with...

Chardonnay.

Oh, my gosh, Joyce, you're hilarious.

And then mom got an idea.

- I'm writing it.
- Hilarious?

You think I'm hilarious? What a compliment,

coming from someone as cool as you.

Oh, hey, Katie-Cat, how was your day?

Mm.

That's eye roll for, "I had
a delightful day, mother."

"Thank you for taking
an interest in my life."

Katie.

This is my psych partner, Amelie.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I like your shirt.
- Oh, thanks.

Yeah, it's cool, right?

Are you into the Black Keys?

They're awesome.

- I totally heart Dan Auerbach.
- Right?

Oh, yeah. Although right now,

I'm in a total Arcade Fire phase.

Oh, me too!

You know they're having that secret show

at the Draft House this week?

I know! It's sold out.
It's completely sold out.

It's killing me. They're so awesome!

So awesome. I love arcades.

She has no idea who they are.

The last concert she went to

was Bruce Springsteen in the late '80s.

Oh, my God.

I know, right?

No, that is so rad.

- It is?
- It is?

I mean, Arcade Fire was totally
influenced by Springsteen.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Seriously, what was the concert like?

Oh, you don't wanna hear about...

I saw him in Jersey.

It was the best six hours of my life.

He sweat on me.

- Like, it landed on my cheek.
- Oh, my gosh!

You were basically one step removed

from making out with him.

- Isn't that cool?
- It's a bodily fluid.

While I was taking Elvis for a walk,

I also took my new look for a spin.

I was cool. I was confident.

I was... cupcakes!

Man.

Loophole!

Hey, it didn't say anything about the dog

having to be with a blind guy.

Heads up! Let the blind kid through.

Oh, no, I'm not...

Hey, don't just stand
there. Give him a hand!

Right this way.

I discovered that people
treat you differently

when you're blind.

Hey, buddy! How are you?

Look at me groping at my guide dog.

Oh, so that was dark chocolate

and this is white chocolate.

Gosh, I can't see white...

but at least now I know
what it tastes like.

Now, before you say I'm going to hell,

I'd like to remind you

that the only reason I
had a guide dog with me

is because I take care of a blind guy.

Hey, Henry, I'm gonna have my
daughter Sophia walk you home.

Sophia!

Oh, no, that's very
kind, but I don't need...

help after the first few blocks.

I heard a lot of traffic out there.

Yeah, maybe I'm going to hell.

Good boy.

Forward!

Oh. So he can go with you anywhere?

Yeah. To the store. On an airplane.

To court. Court?

Yeah, I ... I mean...

He'll go with me when I'm a lawyer.

What are your dreams?

Okay. I was inching into a moral gray area.

So how often are you at your dad's?

Oh, careful. Skateboarder on your left.

I'll get to the restaurant early.

That way, I can get a
couple of drinks into Tom.

- And then you arrive.
- Right.

Without my four-legged wingman.

- Sorry, Elvis.
- The host stand is four steps to your left.

- To my left.
- The hostess's name is...

Gayle.

Why do I need to know that?

She's single and attractive.

- Hello, Gayle.
- Then you cross over to...

You know what, we've done
this like a million times.

I got it. Besides, I'm talking to Gayle.

You mind?

How long have you been a hostess?

Hey.

- Hi.
- Do you have the key

to the storage cabinet in the garage?

Yes. And apparently, you
have a key to my apartment.

- Trade ya!
- Deal.

It was Henry's anyway. Thanks.

I just need to get my trunk
of old clothes to show Katie.

- "Why?" You ask.
- Not asking.

Because I have a cool new
friend who thinks I'm cool

and she's making Katie think I'm cool.

It is all way cool.

- Cool!
- Yes, it is.

Katie and I are on the
express train to bestie town.

Ugh. Don't tell her I said that.

That was very not cool.

While you're in there, inside that cabinet,

top shelf... there's a box with
a leather photo album in it,

pictures from when Katie was a baby.

See if you can find one of you holding her

when you first became a mother.

Might remind you that you're her mother.

Look, I just don't want
to be the kind of mother

that's off in some room baking a cake

and nagging her about curfew.

First of all...

You don't bake.

If you did, you would know

that "the other room" is called a kitchen.

- Second of all...
- Goodbye, Mel.

Bye.

Makes sense. Use a cute dog to get a girl.

Why didn't I think of that?

Sneaky's my wheelhouse.

And dude, she's 14 1/2.

She keeps asking when she can come over.

Okay, two questions.

Can I use the dog on Saturday?

And why can't you just say yes?

Why are you always like this?

Wow. This is cool. What's
the story with this?

I wore that to Scott Cawley's

birthday/learn to French party.

While Elvis made it possible
for me to talk to a girl,

Amelie made it possible for mom and Katie

to talk to each other.

Take it, it's yours.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Wow!

- That's so awesome.
- Thanks!

Oh, my gosh, the leather's so soft.

That's not leather.

And you might wanna keep
that away from an open flame.

- Oh, okay.
- Instead of grunts

and door slams, they were actually

- communicating with words.
- Do you like it?

Yeah! It looks so good!

And other happy lady noises.

- Love it? You love it?
- It's amazing.

Don't freak out.

Okay, my friend who works at the label

just scored me tickets to
Arcade Fire tomorrow night.

- Seriously?
- Are you in?

Yes! Yes! I'm in! I'm in.

Oh, my gosh!

Fun! That's so fun for you two fun gals.

Wait, you totally have to
score a ticket for my mom.

She's never seen them.

- Yeah! Joyce.
- I mean, if you wanna come.

I think I'm available.

Tomorrow's the 14th, right?

Yeah, I can make that work.

- No, it's the 15th.
- Yeah, I can make that work.

Ooh! We're going to Arcade Fire!

- There's no other explanation.
- You're right.

You know what it is, the
cars are using people as fuel.

- Oh, my God, I need the dog.
- What?

Elvis. You gotta hand me the harness

- so I can pretend to be blind.
- You... blind? What?

It's for a girl. An older girl.

She wears cool glasses and
smells like jolly ranchers

and I brushed against her ribcage.

Please! I need to be blind
and you need to be sighted.

Okay, Henry, there is
absolutely no way I'm gonna...

Henry!

Hi, it's me, Sophia. Is this your father?

Come on, dad. Help the blind kid.

Mel Fisher. Cool glasses.

Oh, thanks.

I don't know if I was as good

at playing blind as dad
was at playing sighted.

Yeah. He's my furry little copilot.

Kind of like my own personal Chewbacca.

But I was crushing it with cupcake girl.

You're so funny! He's so funny.

So funny!

Well, hey, I am so glad
I ran into you guys.

I wanted to give you my number

in case you ever need any help,

you know, fighting the empire.

Dad, why don't you just take it?

It's probably right in front of you.

Bye.

See ya!

What is wrong with you? You
cannot pretend to be blind.

Says the man who pretended
to be sighted for 20 years.

No, that was totally different.

That was a professional thing,

and I'd just graduated from law school.

I didn't want people
treating me differently.

Yeah. So you lied.

I didn't want anyone's pity.

Well, I do.

Pity's working for me. Pity
was my foot in the door.

Buddy...

You don't need to play games

to get someone to like you, okay?

And you don't need crunchy hair.

Just be yourself.

I have a 12-year track
record of that never working.

I'll tell you what never works.

Lying about who you are.

Well, I'm sure he'll be here soon.

I mean, you know Mel.

He probably stopped at the
club to sneak in nine holes.

You son of a bitch.

What?

You handsome son of a bitch!

You know what they have here? A great mint.

I'm gonna go get one, and
I'll bring it back to you.

Please check out the wine list, will you?

Hangin' at the club with my homegirls!

What?

You just need one more thing.

Oh.

We're sharing accessories!

Ah!

- We're best friends!
- Oh, shoot.

Joyce, did you bring an I.D.?

Uh, I doubt anyone's
gonna think I'm under 21.

But in this cute top, I
better just play it safe.

Oh, wait! If it's 21-and-over,
Katie can't get inside.

Shoot.

Well, I mean, if we're all dressed up,

should we just rock pinkberry?

No, don't worry. I got her a fake I.D.

Yeah! If anyone asks,

I'm Florence Stuart from Cerritos,

and I am way too fond of blue eyeliner.

- But...
- Don't worry.

I'm not gonna be drinking.

I just can't miss seeing
this band at a small venue.

Sure...

Yeah.

'Cause they kick ass.

- You're cool, right?
- Are you kidding me?

Yes, Cerritos, I am cool.

This is gonna be so much fun, Florence.

Yeah, Joyce.

Come on. Go, go, go.

No, not cool. Not cool at all!

You're not gonna break
the law to get into a club.

Oh, my God! I knew you would do this.

I knew you would ruin this for me.

I blame you. That girl's 16 years old.

She doesn't even know where Cerritos is.

You have one job. Do it well.

God, those are big!

You take supplements
or... have a good night.

With that dog, it looks like you're blind.

- What are you doing?
- I'm telling the truth.

I owe it to myself and to Henry.

No. You owe it to me.

Come on, Glen.

I'm the one who read you comic books.

I'm the one who drove you to law school.

I'm the one who alphabetically arranged

the work refrigerator
so you could find things.

Yeah. Why are the pickles always under "C"?

Because it's a condiment! Come on, boy.

Why is everybody stealing my dog?

- I'm tying him up outside.
- Well, good luck with that.

He's trained to stay by my side, so...

Oh! We'll get you another one.

Whoa! Yeah, he's a good boy! Yeah.

Look, this is not just for me.

This is about our firm.

I care deeply about each and every one

- of the 35 people we...
- 38.

Whatever!

They're counting on us, Mel.

All right.

But there's $40,000 worth
of training in this dog.

It's crazy to just tie him up outside.

Yeah. That'd be crazy.

Who's a good boy?

I'd like to check this, please.

Oh.

- Tom, can I top off your wine?
- Are you kidding?

Look at that eager beaver holding it out

just to your left.

Oh, me next! Yeah... whoa!

I'm a freak for good chardonnay!

Oh! Oh... before I forget.

Is that a check?

Yes, it is. It's a check.

How 'bout that? A check!

Here is your annual retainer up front.

Will you look at that, Mel?

He is extending the check directly to you.

Tom, thank you so much.

And understand, this is more than just...

Numbers on a piece of paper to us.

This is a symbol of the ongoing trust

that you place in us.

And that is the cornerstone

of any great business relationship.

And believe me, that fact...

Fire! Check's on fire! Check's on fire!

Fire! What the hell?

What the hell's going on?

- Oh! The candle!
- That's what I smelled.

Why did you put concealer on to begin with?

Runyen wanted to cover up my problem areas.

Hey, don't take it out on my face.

She says she wants to be my friend...

Easy! You're about to hit bone.

And then she suddenly
switches into parent mode.

But aren't you always saying

she should stop trying to be your friend

and act more like a mom?

My face was finally clean,

and dad's conscience was about to be.

You've been blind this whole time?

Since I was 12.

But you helped me pick out that suit

for my niece's wedding.

Well, technically, Glen did.

And you looked super sharp.

You test drove my $100,000 car.

- Nice ride, Tom.
- Yep. Really hugs the road.

Really hugs it.

Yeah, that was fun.

But that does not change the fact

that we are as dedicated to serving you

as we have ever been.

I have never been so
snowed in my entire life!

You're like a... you're
like some kind of a...

Superhero!

A superhero?

Who still represents you in
all forms of legal activity,

both corporate and personal?

Hey, you've always done
top-shelf work for me.

As long as that continues,
I'm not going anywhere.

See? Mel?

I always say, honesty is the best policy.

Honestly, Glen, you're paying for dinner.

And that lady's lamb chop.

So...

Anyway, I'm sorry I lied to you, but...

hopefully, you'll find it charming

how far I went to be your boyfriend?

Boyfriend?

Yeah, you... gave me your number.

Well, I gave it to your
dad so I could babysit you.

What?

You just have your dad call me

if you ever need a sitter.

Dude, that was a disaster...

and you are not Runyen.

Nope.

But... you heard all that?

Yep.

Good! I'm glad.

'Cause all girls should
know that I'm not smooth.

Attention, ladies.

I'm not smooth!

Not smooth, I am.

I get awkward and tongue-tied
around girls I like.

And girls I don't like. And boys.

Pretty much anyone who's not Runyen.

Funny, you are.

Dad was right. Being
yourself may not be easy,

but it's the right thing to do.

It got Jenny to notice me.

So you used one girl

to get another girl's attention?

You're a playa, man!

A varsity playa!

It got dad a client for life.

Appreciate your confidence.

And it even brought mom and Katie closer.

Oh, my God. Bruce Springsteen?

Don't read too much into this.

Well, a little closer.

Okay, in the spirit of total honesty,

I may have left one tiny thing out.

Now, you know the upside
of dad being himself.

But there's also a downside.

- Blind man in a crosswalk!
- Are you insane?

I'm not the idiot who was speeding!

- Mel...
- What the...

You dented my hood!

What the hell is wrong with you?

- Is that...
- Our former client. Yep.

- Any point in...
- Oh, no, that ship has sailed.

Along with your boat. Sorry.