Growing Up Fisher (2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

I just wonder if it's
ever gonna happen for me,

you know, girl-wise.

Trust me, Henry. You'll meet a girl

when you least expect it.

Let's just hope it happens
while you still got the hair.

When I was 11, my parents got divorced,

which made me like 50% of kids in America.

Okay, tell me which tree to cut down.

One kind of huge difference was...

This one right here.

My dad was blind.



As in "can't see the tree
he's about to cut down" blind.

Mom gave me that delightful hair cut,

and, despite what it looks
like, she can see fine.

Two quick things... how tall is the tree,

- and where's the house?
- Wow.

Super tall and over your left shoulder.

- My left shoulder.
- You know what?

Let's just go get some ice cream.

- I'll buy.
- Nonsense.

My kids want a pool,
they're getting a pool.

Okay, this is now a danger zone.

Go inside until I yell, "safety zone."

But shouldn't we just...

Danger zone.



Why is he wearing safety glasses?

Safety glasses?

That's what's wrong with this picture?

Mel, what are you doing?

Those are my good gardening gloves.

His hands sweat like feet.

And his eyes don't work.

Timber!

Safety zone.

One down, three to go.

It wasn't crazy that
my parents got divorced.

What was crazy was the way I found out.

First, a little back story.

Fisher explodes into the back field.

What he lacks in size he more
than makes up for in spirit.

Dad went blind when he was 12.

He's on the 30, the 20,

he is not forgetting about the big tree,

he's fast, he's quick...

He's got one more play
before clarinet practice.

But he never let the
fact that he couldn't see

keep him from doing anything,

even when it probably should have.

- Cut harder.
- I know. I know.

There. In. Perfect.

Are you sure?

Which one's blind again?

With the divorce coming, mom
was on a quest to find herself,

and along the way she
found a ton of new things.

Button, should I get
one of these water bras?

Mom, I'm your son.

Which is why I trust your opinion.

See, new mom, old mom.

- New mom, old m...
- Get the bra.

Okay.

I'm never gonna get my license.

You have a better chance
of getting your license.

Katie, you're a Fisher.

You can do anything you set your mind to.

Get ready, people. Here it comes.

I went to law school blind.

You do realize it's impossible
to compete with that.

I do. Sweetie, you can totally do this.

You just need to be shown how.

Mom, dad's gonna...

What is that?

It's an electronic cigarette.

You guys have been on me to
quit smoking the other ones.

Huh? It's mango.

Mel, you should not be driving.

And you should not be
smoking air fresheners.

Why don't you slap on a
patch like everybody else?

You know how ridiculous
I would look with a patch?

Okay. Here we go.

Tell me when I'm lined
up with their bumper.

You're not seriously gonna... now! Now!

Turn the wheels to the left

until you're lined up with the rear bumper

of their car. You're there. You're there.

Then you turn back this way,

and you drop it right in.

- Dad!
- Mel!

I got it. I got it.

Next to my dad, the coolest guy I knew

was my best friend Runyen.

Mel, baby.

Khakis go with everything.

Smart. Suspenders and a belt?

I'm gonna give you a pass

because of the whole "eyes no worky" thing.

Hello, Runyen.

You know, I'd kick you
out if I didn't think

it was important for my
son to have black friends.

Well played. Touch?.

Coffee?

Runyen was one of the few
people outside our family

who knew dad was blind.

That's right. Before the divorce,

dad actually hid his blindness.

Bill Duffy, I'd like you to meet...

Mel Fisher.

He never lied to anyone.

But he did trick 'em a lot.

Come here. You are not too big

to get a hug from your old man.

- What do we got?
- Table is ten steps away,

empty chair's at 6:00, Glen's on the left,

and his fly is wide open.

Sam, Mel Fisher.

I hope you don't mind.

I brought our youngest associate.

Tae kwon do got cancelled.

Glen, barn door.

With me at his side,

I could help him with anything.

Dude, at this point,

I basically own you.

- Ow!
- Except that damn coffee table.

- Every time.
- Mel, baby, my hotels.

You're killing me.

For as long as I could remember,

I was his human guide dog.

Which is why I was so surprised

when he got a real one.

Sweet. We got a dog?

Button, sit down.

Your father and I have
something we want to tell you.

Really? We're doing this now?

This is awesome.

Yeah, wait, I thought we couldn't get a dog

because mom's...

Allergic.

Henry, it's a seeing-eye dog.

The correct term is guide dog.

He doesn't see for me. He guides me.

He's like a GPS.

A GPS that just ate my new water bra.

Which somebody left on a low table.

Henry, look, son,

when two parties have
entered into a contract

and they've reached an impasse,

- both parties reserve the right...
- Mel, come on.

We can't dance around this.

Henry, when two trees
grow beside each other

and one tree can't grow
in the shade of the other,

it might want to spread its wings.

- Sorry, trees have wings?
- Yes, they do, Mel,

and they would like to
enroll in some courses

at the local community college.

Do you understand, honey?

Mm-hmm. Can we name him Optimus Orime?

- Absolutely.
- No, Joyce, no, he has a name.

- It's Elvis.
- Oh, what about Chewbacca?

Whatever you want, sweetheart.

No, no.

All right, you know what,

forget about the dog and the name and...

Aagh, God, every time!

Unbelievable.

Bug, what they're trying to say...

- We still love each other.
- We'll always be a family.

- Yeah.
- Right on the bone.

Dad's moving out.

That's why he got the dog.

And that was the super smooth way

my parents told me they
were getting divorced.

A lot of kids blame themselves

for their parents' divorce.

Thank you.

Forward.

But this one I was pretty
certain was the dog's fault.

Well, we're either going
to need the bathrobes back,

or we're going to charge you the $295.

I got to go.

- Can I help you?
- Yes. Checking in.

Okay, no, no, no. No dogs allowed.

It's okay. He's a guide dog.

Yeah. No. No pets.

Did you see the sign?

I did not.

Right. Well, we have a very
strict "no pets" policy.

I have a strict "don't
break the law" policy.

Ooh, yeah,

Kevin, if you can still take a sick day,

I'd do it.

I am a blind attorney.

Cannot see a thing.

And California civil
code 54.1 makes it illegal

to deny lodging to anyone
using a service animal.

It's a civil code, Kev. Our hands are tied.

If you don't give me a room right now,

I will sue you so hard
that when the dust settles,

you'll be calling this
the Mel Fisher hotel.

You know a good lawyer, Kev? 'Cause I do.

Boy, our new friend Kevin
really redeemed himself

with these hot fudge sundaes.

Yeah, that last bite was, like, all fudge.

How those veal chops treating you, Elvis?

It's 5:09 P.M.

Uh-oh, I promised your mom
I'd have you home for dinner,

so, whatever she's making, you're hungry.

Or, or I could stay here

and help you navigate the hotel.

Buddy, listen...

Ooh, they have a couple's massage.

That could be fun.

There's nothing I'd love more,

but mom's expecting you.

Don't worry about me. I got Elvis.

And before I even got
the hot fudge off my face,

my job had been outsourced to a dog.

Dad may have kicked me out of the hotel,

but at least when I got
home mom was waiting for me

with open arms... and a vacuum.

I love you, peanut, but
you're covered in doggy dander.

Arms up.

I want you to know that even
though there's a lot of changes

going on, we are still
just a regular family.

Okay? All right, turn around.

I got to vacuum your butt. Thank you.

I thought I was staying over,
but I guess he doesn't need me.

Buddy, I promise you,

as soon as dad gets an apartment,

you can stay with him as much as you want.

Did I miss it? Did you see mom's new toy?

I don't know what the big deal is.

- Is that a...
- Pipe?

You betcha.

You guys said the electronic
cigarette looked ridiculous,

and I am a mom who listens.

So just to recap,

my dad replaced me with a guide dog,

and my mom became Popeye.

It was a big week for the Fisher family.

I'll tell you what you got to do, okay?

You got to find something that
you can do that Elvis can't.

Like what?

Like teach Mel baby the latest dance moves.

- Oh, my God. That's it.
- Yeah, I mean,

I've never seen a dog
that can pop-and-lock.

No, look.

I'm gonna get my dad an apartment.

That's something a dog can't do.

And that's also something
a sixth grader can't do.

Eh-eh-eh, what are you doing?

You cannot leave a field trip.

Cover for me.

We signed a permission slip.
I am not going back to Korea.

Wait, she's mad at me?

Everybody brings wine to a dinner party,

but I'm not everybody.

That's why I bought a cactus.

Can I help you?

Is the apartment still available?

You running away from home?

I guess technically my dad is.

Oh. Well, you bring him back,

and I'll give him a tour,
okay, and a stress ball.

Manny, your better etiquette
books will tell you...

Here's the deal. My dad's blind.

I'm gonna be his eyes on this.

If I like the place, he'll like the place.

So how about you go ahead
and give me that tour?

This could work.

Ooh, this molding is fantastic.

This is a tiny bedroom.

It's a pantry.

This is a huge pantry.

What about dogs, Fred?

Are they allowed in the building?

- No pets.
- But what about guide dogs?

Civil code 54.1 says
you have to allow them.

Well, then I guess we're gonna allow them.

- How old are you?
- 11 1/2.

How old are you?

43... 1/2.

- So you shredded the papers?
- Objection.

This is not a trial, just a deposition.

- You'll answer.
- I did, but only because

I didn't think they were
relevant to the case.

Random papers, not relevant,

you thought, "let's go
ahead and shred 'em."

- That's right.
- Objection.

Tell me you got every word of that, Janice.

All the way through "tell me you got

- every word of that, Janice."
- I love you.

- Type that. Don't type that.
- Oh.

Can we please adjourn until tomorrow?

The thing is we're all here today.

You got a phone call. Henry's principal.

He was cursing a lot for an educator.

But if tomorrow's better for everyone,

I say we do that.

Hip-up.

Is this not your signature?

Did you not agree to stay with
the group and say no to drugs?

I needed to find my dad an apartment.

Joyce and I have separated.

It was mutual. Not that you asked.

- But just to be clear.
- That's tough stuff.

Wendy and I have taken a
bit of a T.O. ourselves.

The place is great, dad.

It's an old converted bakery.

It smells like you're sleeping in a muffin.

This is not about the apartment.

Although I do like muffins.

But this is about you wandering off

down Griffin Street like the
school rules don't apply to you.

Griffin Street? That's
a sweet section of town.

The point is you can't just go
wandering off from a field...

Is there laundry in the building?

Four washers, three dryers.

- Cable?
- Included.

- Basic.
- Premium.

- Shut the front door.
- Okay, I think

we're all sold on the apartment.

Can we get back to what my son did?

I think I know where you're
headed with this, Mel,

and I completely agree.

I think, given the circumstances,

discipline should come
from home on this one.

And if you excuse me,
I have an errand to run.

Linda, pull up Westside Rentals.

Did he just leave?

Yup. Boom.

That was easy.

Don't worry. I gave the
manager a $12 deposit.

That apartment isn't going anywhere.

Neither are you. Your mom and I talked,

and we decided you need to be punished.

- What?
- Yeah.

You know, when Bobby
Lacito's parents split,

he got a dirt bike.

Awesome. You're grounded for two weeks.

Boom.

Is that right? There's a hand thing, right?

Yeah.

So I had scored my dad this sweet apartment

where he and his work buddies
could toast their big win.

They settled for the full amount.

Who settles for the full amount?

But I should have been over
there celebrating with them.

Shh. Here you go.

That should have been my potato chip.

- Have a great day.
- Thank you.

Instead, I was doing time at the mall

where mom was trying on Katie's jeans

and her adolescence.

These pants hurt.

That's how I know they look good.

Mom, you can't buy the same pants as me.

Why not? They are awesome.

It's not like I'm getting the belt.

Should I get the belt?
Can I try on the belt?

You may not. Henry.

Tell mom to take off her pants.

Can we all just keep our pants on?

- Hey, dad.
- I need you

to come over right away.

Elvis got out.

Okay.

I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking.

That is not the tush of a mom.

Pow.

I took Elvis for a walk,
and when we got back,

I went into the pantry to get his food,

and I guess I must have
left the front door open.

God. This place is great.

I wish I could live here.

- Guys, missing guide dog.
- Right.

I'll take Sherlock. You go with Magoo.

Henry?

Thanks, buddy.

Elvis, come on!

Elvis!

Where are you?

Elvis! Elvis!

Elvis! Elvis!

You gotta slow down.

I'm going six.

Ugh, I really got to start jogging again.

Elvis!

Can you go any faster?

You weigh like 4,000 pounds.

- Switch.
- What?

- I'm driving.
- No way.

I went to law school bli...

Just take the bike.

Quick question: Instagram,

is that something I should be doing?

Actually, none of this is
something you should be doing...

the pipe, the water bra, my jeans.

You already had your
chance to be a teenager.

Oh, I kind of didn't.

In case you haven't done the math,

I was very young when I had you.

Accident. Message received.

I went from being someone's
daughter to being someone's wife

to being someone's mother.

Well, while we're putting things out there,

I would rather not be my mother's mother.

Any chance we can make that happen?

Elvis!

- Elvis!
- A little right,

a little right. Look out! Look out!

- Be more specific.
- Danger zone!

Stop the bike!

Oh. Good call.

Yeah.

I guess I'll just call
the guide dog foundation

and tell them what happened.

Hey, I can't be the first
blind guy to lose a dog, right?

Henry, do you see my phone?

Oh, here.

- Here, dad.
- Thanks, buddy.

- That's weird.
- What's weird?

Elvis left without eating any of his food.

God, I wish I had that kind of discipline.

Matthew Horowitz's office, please.

The pantry.

- Buddy!
- Oh! Hi!

Hey, guys, keep it down. I'm on the phone.

Yeah, Mr. Horowitz, there's
no easy way to tell you this.

Dad, Henry found Elvis.

Thanks for the great guide dog.

Keep up the good work. Let's talk soon.

Well done, pal. Consider
yourself ungrounded.

Sweet.

Okay, Mel,

I know what you did.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You put Elvis in the pantry.

Kind of like what you
did on our first date.

Taking your brother to
the museum the day before

and memorizing all those paintings.

Yeah, well, that trick
got me a second date.

That second date got us Katie.

You said Henry needed to be needed.

You think two divorced people
can keep a little secret?

Katie only told me what
dad did years later.

Like I said, he never lied,

but he did trick us a lot.

Hey. Look who I found.

Damn it! Come on.

When people say "seeing-eye
dog," they're wrong.

The dog doesn't see for you.

It guides you safely

in the direction you're
supposed to be heading.

While at first I thought Elvis
was breaking our family up,

it turns out that big ball of fur

was really bringing us closer together.

The divorce would allow all
of us to finally discover

who we needed to be.

For mom, it would take a lot longer

than anyone would have ever expected.

- For dad...
- Here! Long!

This would be the beginning
of an amazing journey.

Shotgun pass!

As hard as it was for
him to get a guide dog

and admit to the world that he was blind,

it was even more important
for him to be a good father.

- Elvis!
- Good boy.

Hey, buddy, I got you something.

At the time, I would have
changed just about everything

that was happening.

This is not my apartment.

This is our apartment.

But looking back...

I wouldn't change a thing.

Henry, let's go!

If it gets bad, grab the goldfish

and go to the Schumakers'.

- Love you.
- Love you.

That day I learned something
that I would have to learn

over and over again...

Hey, guide dog out here.

That sometimes the tough moments in life

often make way for greater things

than you could possibly imagine.

Do you live here?

Yeah. I guess I do.

You're lucky your dad's blind.

They don't let us have
dogs in the building.

My mom smokes a pipe.

What?

I just want you to know everything.

Oh. I'm Jenny.

Oh, I'm...

Sweetie, dinner.

See you around.

Right?