Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 19 - The Awful Truth - full transcript
Okay, we'll be back after lunch.
You have the number of the restaurant.
Don't worry, if Ben and Carol act
up, I'll slap them around a little bit.
- Just kidding, Dad.
- Let's go, honey.
Ben, we're leaving.
Oh, he's over at Stinky
Sullivan's playing Rambo.
It's too chilly for him to be
shooting people without a shirt.
Honey, we could cancel
our romantic luncheon...
and track down
our little commando.
Or we could simply let our most trustworthy
and reliable child take Ben a shirt.
Okay, okay, I'll do it.
- Okay, have fun, guys.
- Bye, see you later.
Bye-bye. MIKE: Bye-bye.
Oh, I thought
they'd never leave.
You said you were
gonna take Ben a shirt.
I also said I was
gonna slap you around.
Yo.
Ben, put on a shirt.
- Where's Mom and Dad?
- They're gone.
Gone?
The first Saturday of every month,
they always go out for their lunch deal.
Yeah, but I need their
help with a school project.
By Monday, I'm supposed to
have a history of our family done.
Maybe you shouldn't have been
playing with Stinky Sullivan all morning.
Hey, what could I
do? I was a POW.
So welcome home. Now get out.
Can you guys help me?
I mean, this history
has to be good.
Half the kids in my class
have really neat histories...
with divorces, tragedies,
family disasters.
How lucky, you've got Mike.
There's an old family bible
down here. It tells everything.
Births, marriages,
family geniuses.
Stinky Sullivan has
a great family history.
He's even got an uncle who
was thrown out of three countries.
This is full of Dad's old
stuff from his college days.
Wow!
The '60s were a very
strange time, Ben.
If I can find the date
Dad wore these...
I'm gonna have a family history
that leaves Stinky's in the dust.
The family records have to
be around here somewhere.
- This looks interesting.
- What?
"The Single Dude's
Guide to the Swinging '60s.
Sure-fire tips on how
to get chicks into..."
Ben, you're not a single dude.
What, and you are?
Ben, this isn't for your eyes.
"To Jason, from the other interns.
We thought this might come in handy...
now that you're divorced."
So I've got a divorce
for my family history.
I guess.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Oh, no!
Divorced?
- Boy.
- Yeah.
Ever since he started punishing
me, I've had my doubts about the man.
Now, hold it, okay?
This could be a mistake.
I just can't believe this
about our wonderful dad.
Come on, Carol, the
evidence is right here.
Yeah.
Well, it could be a big mistake.
- Carol, it's obvious.
- Yeah.
- What's obvious?
- That Dad's divorced.
You know, we're living a lie.
You know, I wouldn't be a bit
surprised if Dad wasn't his real name.
I just... I can't believe this.
Especially after all the times that
he's told us about their huge wedding.
And how Grandpa Ed
fainted when he got the bill.
And how it was the
happiest day of Mom's life.
And how Dad toasted
her and said she was...
The only woman he
ever wanted to marry.
Yeah.
I mean, if he lied
about this, then...
Well, we don't know that
he lied. He just didn't tell us.
- Same thing.
- Not exactly.
Well, it was a lie last year when
I cut school and didn't tell him.
No, no. See, that was different.
See, when they asked you how school
was, you said, "Extremely pleasant."
- Which it was.
- No, it wasn't.
- It was too.
- Wasn't.
- Was.
- Wasn't.
What's your point?
My point is, if Dad kept this
divorce such a big secret...
then what else
didn't he tell us?
How do we know that what
he did tell us is the truth?
I mean, we already know
the wedding toast was a lie.
So how well do we
really know this man?
I've known him
since I was a kid.
- Mike, you're getting carried away.
- Oh, I am, huh?
Well, listen to this. I think
that if he was married before...
that probably means
he had another wife.
Brilliant.
And if he had another wife, it
probably means he had other kids.
Oh, no.
And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if
they're living somewhere on Long Island.
Dad wouldn't wanna
live far from his kids.
What kids?
The ones he goes and visits when
he says he's gonna get a haircut.
Ben...
Nobody gets a
haircut as often as Dad.
This is true.
- Mike.
- I got it.
Dad's other wife cuts his hair
while he plays with his other kids.
So they couldn't live far away.
I bet right on this street.
Maybe they come over
here when we're at school.
And wear our clothes.
And play with our stuff.
That's why my room
gets so messed up.
You're crazy. And,
Mike, you're worse.
I mean, I can't even
believe that I'm related to...
That's it. It all makes
sense. It's true.
What?
Dad did have kids
with his first wife.
At least one.
And when they split,
he kept that child...
and when he met Mom they
swore an oath never to tell him...
that he was the painfully slow
half-brother of me and Ben.
So who is it?
Oh, all right.
All right, I got it.
- Ah. Ah-ha. Look at this.
- What did you find?
It's a picture of
Dad's first wife.
Let me see.
Well, how do you
know that's his first wife?
It's the only woman's picture
we've found after an hour of looking.
- So?
- So?
Look at this, it's even signed.
"To my dear Jason. I
know a place. Love, Petula."
Wow.
You sure don't look
like your mother.
Okay, I just say we've gotta
find out more about this woman.
Where else do we look?
Well, you know, if I were Dad...
and I wanted to hide the
mementos of some tragic mistake...
I know where I'd stash them.
Where?
What's the one room in this house
that we're not allowed to hang out in?
Their bedroom?
The other one.
Not Dad's office.
Well, I guess we know who the
smart one in the family is now.
Hi.
Yeah, I guess we do know
who the smart one in the family is.
Thanks, but I haven't
found anything yet.
Most of these are Dad's
patient files and they're locked.
Oh, Ben, you're getting
peanut butter all over Dad's stuff.
So I'll lick it off.
Ben, why are you
eating that, anyway?
When I get bummed, I get hungry.
Well, I don't want any part of
this, because it's wrong, okay?
I'm gonna go
ransack their bedroom.
You know, Mike, I've been thinking, I
don't think Dad ever did get divorced.
- No?
- I think that book was all a big joke.
I mean, the people who
gave it to him were all doctors.
You know what
nutty guys they are.
But I found a picture
of his first wife.
And get this, her name is Petula and
she had a fake mole painted on her face.
- No.
- Yeah, I've seen it.
I need another sandwich.
- Hey, hey, hey, what's this?
- What?
- Oh, no.
- What?
- Carol, look what we found.
- What?
Another stupid wife.
You don't know this
woman was married to Dad.
- Then why did he hide it?
- I don't know.
I'm just saying I don't wanna jump to
conclusions without a complete search.
Please, Carol, stop looking
before you find any more wives.
Mike, help me down with this box.
- Yeah.
Where'd Dad get
all these clothes?
What's he doing with
all these sweater vests?
He probably gets Father's Day presents
from his hundreds of other kids too.
- Hey, look at this.
- What?
"My first issue."
Hey, this was when Mom
started working at Newsweek.
Wow. She saved this from 1969.
Mom saves everything.
Cards, letters, Mike's first C.
Guys, guys, there's something
very strange about this.
The year, 1969.
That was the year Dad supposedly
did his internship in Phoenix.
- So?
- So?
The second year of
Mom and Dad's marriage.
The year they lived in a trailer
park and ate beans all the time.
So what?
So how could Mom be in New
York working for Newsweek...
and be in Phoenix eating
beans at the same time, hm?
I need another sandwich.
What else is in here?
Just the usual stuff: baby pictures,
crushed flowers, a charm bracelet.
An old letter to Mom.
Read it.
- No, we shouldn't.
- Come on.
It's from Grandpa Ed.
"Dear Margaret Kathryn.
In all the confusion of
the past few weeks...
I haven't found the time to tell you
that your mom and I love you very much.
There's no reason to lose heart just
because that ex-husband of yours...
turned out to be a lunkhead."
So that means Mom
was divorced too.
Wow.
Good thing Ben wasn't in
here. He'd be eating the furniture.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
- Where's Dad?
- Oh, we split up.
- For the afternoon.
- Oh.
He dropped me off
and went for a haircut.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- Oh, I thought you were getting a haircut.
- I did.
It doesn't look like it.
Of course it doesn't. That's
why they charge so much.
Where are the kids?
Well, they're all sitting
side-by-side on the couch.
Jason, it's eerie.
They aren't yelling, they aren't
fighting, they aren't even watching TV.
And this is a bad thing?
Yo, Rambo.
Hi. What's the
name of your barber?
Linda.
Not Petula with a fake mole?
- No.
- Yeah, right.
Ben, don't eat too much.
You'll spoil your appetite.
Not a chance.
Why don't we just ask
them about these divorces?
After everything
we've learned, do you
really think they're
gonna tell us the truth?
Well, we've got to do something.
Before Ben ends up with a
harpoon sticking out of him.
Listen, guys, I've
formulated a plan.
- What?
- Okay.
Now, when we do
something wrong...
only Mom and Dad don't
know quite what it is...
they get us into this
conversation about other junk...
just to trick us into
saying too much.
So let's just do that to them.
They never do that to me.
Well, Carol, that's because you lead a
very sad, uninteresting and boring life.
Do you wanna talk about that, or
do you wanna talk about this plan?
- The plan.
- All right, okay.
I'll work on Dad. Carol,
you work on Mom.
What do I work on?
Losing weight.
Dad, do you have a
second to rap with me?
You wanna rap?
Yeah, is that the right word?
Sure, if you're Sammy Davis, Jr.
No, no, you know
what I mean. Talk, chat.
Have one of our
meaningful dialogues.
Yeah. Nice haircut,
by the way, Dad.
No, no, you know what I mean.
Just kind of a chance for us to get
together and see how we're doing.
I mean, you're
my only dad, right?
And I'm one of your
three only kids, aren't I?
So, what kind of
trouble are you in, Mike?
- Mom.
- Hi, honey.
What's up?
Nothing's up. Why do
you think something's up?
Does something have to be up just
because I wanna come in here and talk?
I wanna hang out with you and I
get accused of something being up.
So, Dad, did you hear?
I'm dating a new girl now.
Mike, you're always dating a new girl
because nobody will go out with you twice.
No, no, Dad, this one's
special. Her name is Petula.
- She wouldn't be a barber, would she?
- A barber?
Why do you ask, Dad? Do you
know any Petula who's a barber?
One with those, say, a
mole painted on her face?
No.
Ben mentioned it.
Mm-hm. I see.
Mike, are you enjoying
this conversation?
Okay...
All right, here it is.
I'm having a little problem
with my social life, Dad, and...
I figured that a guy like
you has dated around a lot.
Yeah, well, it was a
long time ago, but...
Yeah.
Yeah, you probably even
went steady a time or two, right?
Yeah.
Heck, you probably even
married a few of them, right?
What?
Did you know that most divorced
people never have to set the table?
What?
Well, it's a well-known fact
that they eat most meals...
hunched over a sink.
Carol.
You wouldn't think it was
funny if you were divorced.
It sure would save me a
lot of time in the kitchen.
Oh, fine. Duck the question.
Carol, what question
am I ducking?
Mom, how can I
make it any clearer?
Whoa. Heh, heh.
I'll bet it feels weird
eating at the table, huh?
Well, that makes it unanimous.
None of my children are making sense.
They're either staring at me
like I'm back from the grave...
or telling me interesting
facts about divorced people.
There's something up.
Mike was just asking me...
how many times I've
been married and I...
Wait a minute.
They know.
Oh, look, just like I told you.
They've been into
everything down here.
They even found this stocking you
gave me for the interns' comedy revue.
That's not mine.
Sure it is.
Mike, Carol, Ben.
No, I wear tall. This is petite.
Well, we're getting
off the subject here.
All right, kids, your mom
and I would like to talk to you.
- I'll bet.
- We're listening.
Jason, I'll handle this.
Um... Uh, um...
I'll handle this, okay?
If this is gonna take a while,
I'm gonna call for a pizza.
Sit down, Ben.
Now, your mother and
I were married in 1968.
Come on, Dad, we already know
you weren't even living together in 1969.
- Well, yes.
- And we know you were divorced.
From somebody named Petula.
- Who?
- I don't know.
And we know you
got divorced too.
Don't try to deny that you were married
to some guy your dad called a lunkhead.
That's right. The
lunkhead's your dad.
Thank you.
That explains it all.
I feel much better.
No, no, no, that
explains nothing.
Kids, this is... This
is difficult to explain.
But, see, your dad and I went
through a period where we...
We thought it was impossible to
have two careers and a marriage.
It was.
I was doing my
internship in Phoenix...
and your mom had the
new job at Newsweek.
Yes, and we...
Well, we split up.
When you spend your
life working for a goal...
it's tough to give
it up just like that.
Impossible.
So we went our
separate ways and...
- It was the worst time of my life.
- Me too.
See, we didn't
disagree about anything.
It got so at one point,
my lawyer got up in court...
and he blurted out, "Why
don't you save everybody...
a lot of trouble
and stay married?"
Well, we looked at each
other and realized at once that...
How stupid we'd been.
- As well as what was really important.
- And the divorce never went through.
Thank God.
All right. All right, well,
then explain who this babe is.
Well, this babe is Petula Clark.
She was a popular
singer in the '60s.
And I was a member
of her fan club.
Okay, president.
For a very short time, okay?
See, I told you there was
nothing to worry about.
Why didn't you
tell us this before?
We weren't trying to keep
it a secret on purpose.
It's just that we were waiting
for you to be old enough.
And then by the time you
were, then Ben came along.
After a while it seemed the
whole thing was ancient history.
It really didn't matter at all.
What matters is how
much we love each other...
and you, each of you,
every day of the last 17 years.
I like to think it's because we came
so close to making a mistake like that...
that the last 17
have been so good.
It made us learn the
fine art of compromise.
And we care enough to
give each other a little room...
and the right to his
own point of view.
Like I said at the wedding...
you're the only woman
I ever wanted to marry.
- So the toast wasn't a lie.
- No.
So you guys split up just
to get it out of the way?
Well, I couldn't have said
it any better myself, Ben.
Wow. I'm gonna have a family history
that's gonna make Stinky Sullivan smell.
Well...
I just think that that
is the most beautiful...
most romantic thing
I have ever heard.
God bless you.
Look, I told them they
were getting carried away.
Sure.
And I speak for all of us when
I say that I am really glad...
you guys got back
together when you did.
Oh, that's so sweet, Mike.
I mean, if you had waited one
more year, I'd have been Carol.
Maria Flagenhoffer.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, I just remembered.
Maria Flagenhoffer. That's
who gave me the pantyhose.
She's a proctologist... now.
- Fine.
- Heh, heh.
Honey, I'm not jealous.
Well, all right, I just
wanted you to know
where I got them, you
know, just in case...
It's a pretty good story though.
I don't care.
- No?
- No.
Particularly when I see that
she was a bit thick in the thigh.
No, no, no, not Maria.
No, she was...
She was maybe 15 to
18 pounds overweight.
What am I saying? Twenty-five
pounds if she was lucky.
Jason, what's past is past.
Good. Yes.
From the look of her picture,
she looks like a nice person.
Oh, yeah. She was, yeah.
- Fun lady, I'd guess.
- Oh, yeah.
She had a great sense of humor.
Yeah, she loved to laugh.
And you gave her
plenty to laugh at, I'll bet.
- Oh, Maggie.
- Oh, you've got a lot of nerve.
Maggie. Maggie.
Oh, come on, she was
35 pounds overweight.
- Sure.
- She was a total pig.
You have the number of the restaurant.
Don't worry, if Ben and Carol act
up, I'll slap them around a little bit.
- Just kidding, Dad.
- Let's go, honey.
Ben, we're leaving.
Oh, he's over at Stinky
Sullivan's playing Rambo.
It's too chilly for him to be
shooting people without a shirt.
Honey, we could cancel
our romantic luncheon...
and track down
our little commando.
Or we could simply let our most trustworthy
and reliable child take Ben a shirt.
Okay, okay, I'll do it.
- Okay, have fun, guys.
- Bye, see you later.
Bye-bye. MIKE: Bye-bye.
Oh, I thought
they'd never leave.
You said you were
gonna take Ben a shirt.
I also said I was
gonna slap you around.
Yo.
Ben, put on a shirt.
- Where's Mom and Dad?
- They're gone.
Gone?
The first Saturday of every month,
they always go out for their lunch deal.
Yeah, but I need their
help with a school project.
By Monday, I'm supposed to
have a history of our family done.
Maybe you shouldn't have been
playing with Stinky Sullivan all morning.
Hey, what could I
do? I was a POW.
So welcome home. Now get out.
Can you guys help me?
I mean, this history
has to be good.
Half the kids in my class
have really neat histories...
with divorces, tragedies,
family disasters.
How lucky, you've got Mike.
There's an old family bible
down here. It tells everything.
Births, marriages,
family geniuses.
Stinky Sullivan has
a great family history.
He's even got an uncle who
was thrown out of three countries.
This is full of Dad's old
stuff from his college days.
Wow!
The '60s were a very
strange time, Ben.
If I can find the date
Dad wore these...
I'm gonna have a family history
that leaves Stinky's in the dust.
The family records have to
be around here somewhere.
- This looks interesting.
- What?
"The Single Dude's
Guide to the Swinging '60s.
Sure-fire tips on how
to get chicks into..."
Ben, you're not a single dude.
What, and you are?
Ben, this isn't for your eyes.
"To Jason, from the other interns.
We thought this might come in handy...
now that you're divorced."
So I've got a divorce
for my family history.
I guess.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Oh, no!
Divorced?
- Boy.
- Yeah.
Ever since he started punishing
me, I've had my doubts about the man.
Now, hold it, okay?
This could be a mistake.
I just can't believe this
about our wonderful dad.
Come on, Carol, the
evidence is right here.
Yeah.
Well, it could be a big mistake.
- Carol, it's obvious.
- Yeah.
- What's obvious?
- That Dad's divorced.
You know, we're living a lie.
You know, I wouldn't be a bit
surprised if Dad wasn't his real name.
I just... I can't believe this.
Especially after all the times that
he's told us about their huge wedding.
And how Grandpa Ed
fainted when he got the bill.
And how it was the
happiest day of Mom's life.
And how Dad toasted
her and said she was...
The only woman he
ever wanted to marry.
Yeah.
I mean, if he lied
about this, then...
Well, we don't know that
he lied. He just didn't tell us.
- Same thing.
- Not exactly.
Well, it was a lie last year when
I cut school and didn't tell him.
No, no. See, that was different.
See, when they asked you how school
was, you said, "Extremely pleasant."
- Which it was.
- No, it wasn't.
- It was too.
- Wasn't.
- Was.
- Wasn't.
What's your point?
My point is, if Dad kept this
divorce such a big secret...
then what else
didn't he tell us?
How do we know that what
he did tell us is the truth?
I mean, we already know
the wedding toast was a lie.
So how well do we
really know this man?
I've known him
since I was a kid.
- Mike, you're getting carried away.
- Oh, I am, huh?
Well, listen to this. I think
that if he was married before...
that probably means
he had another wife.
Brilliant.
And if he had another wife, it
probably means he had other kids.
Oh, no.
And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if
they're living somewhere on Long Island.
Dad wouldn't wanna
live far from his kids.
What kids?
The ones he goes and visits when
he says he's gonna get a haircut.
Ben...
Nobody gets a
haircut as often as Dad.
This is true.
- Mike.
- I got it.
Dad's other wife cuts his hair
while he plays with his other kids.
So they couldn't live far away.
I bet right on this street.
Maybe they come over
here when we're at school.
And wear our clothes.
And play with our stuff.
That's why my room
gets so messed up.
You're crazy. And,
Mike, you're worse.
I mean, I can't even
believe that I'm related to...
That's it. It all makes
sense. It's true.
What?
Dad did have kids
with his first wife.
At least one.
And when they split,
he kept that child...
and when he met Mom they
swore an oath never to tell him...
that he was the painfully slow
half-brother of me and Ben.
So who is it?
Oh, all right.
All right, I got it.
- Ah. Ah-ha. Look at this.
- What did you find?
It's a picture of
Dad's first wife.
Let me see.
Well, how do you
know that's his first wife?
It's the only woman's picture
we've found after an hour of looking.
- So?
- So?
Look at this, it's even signed.
"To my dear Jason. I
know a place. Love, Petula."
Wow.
You sure don't look
like your mother.
Okay, I just say we've gotta
find out more about this woman.
Where else do we look?
Well, you know, if I were Dad...
and I wanted to hide the
mementos of some tragic mistake...
I know where I'd stash them.
Where?
What's the one room in this house
that we're not allowed to hang out in?
Their bedroom?
The other one.
Not Dad's office.
Well, I guess we know who the
smart one in the family is now.
Hi.
Yeah, I guess we do know
who the smart one in the family is.
Thanks, but I haven't
found anything yet.
Most of these are Dad's
patient files and they're locked.
Oh, Ben, you're getting
peanut butter all over Dad's stuff.
So I'll lick it off.
Ben, why are you
eating that, anyway?
When I get bummed, I get hungry.
Well, I don't want any part of
this, because it's wrong, okay?
I'm gonna go
ransack their bedroom.
You know, Mike, I've been thinking, I
don't think Dad ever did get divorced.
- No?
- I think that book was all a big joke.
I mean, the people who
gave it to him were all doctors.
You know what
nutty guys they are.
But I found a picture
of his first wife.
And get this, her name is Petula and
she had a fake mole painted on her face.
- No.
- Yeah, I've seen it.
I need another sandwich.
- Hey, hey, hey, what's this?
- What?
- Oh, no.
- What?
- Carol, look what we found.
- What?
Another stupid wife.
You don't know this
woman was married to Dad.
- Then why did he hide it?
- I don't know.
I'm just saying I don't wanna jump to
conclusions without a complete search.
Please, Carol, stop looking
before you find any more wives.
Mike, help me down with this box.
- Yeah.
Where'd Dad get
all these clothes?
What's he doing with
all these sweater vests?
He probably gets Father's Day presents
from his hundreds of other kids too.
- Hey, look at this.
- What?
"My first issue."
Hey, this was when Mom
started working at Newsweek.
Wow. She saved this from 1969.
Mom saves everything.
Cards, letters, Mike's first C.
Guys, guys, there's something
very strange about this.
The year, 1969.
That was the year Dad supposedly
did his internship in Phoenix.
- So?
- So?
The second year of
Mom and Dad's marriage.
The year they lived in a trailer
park and ate beans all the time.
So what?
So how could Mom be in New
York working for Newsweek...
and be in Phoenix eating
beans at the same time, hm?
I need another sandwich.
What else is in here?
Just the usual stuff: baby pictures,
crushed flowers, a charm bracelet.
An old letter to Mom.
Read it.
- No, we shouldn't.
- Come on.
It's from Grandpa Ed.
"Dear Margaret Kathryn.
In all the confusion of
the past few weeks...
I haven't found the time to tell you
that your mom and I love you very much.
There's no reason to lose heart just
because that ex-husband of yours...
turned out to be a lunkhead."
So that means Mom
was divorced too.
Wow.
Good thing Ben wasn't in
here. He'd be eating the furniture.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
- Where's Dad?
- Oh, we split up.
- For the afternoon.
- Oh.
He dropped me off
and went for a haircut.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- Oh, I thought you were getting a haircut.
- I did.
It doesn't look like it.
Of course it doesn't. That's
why they charge so much.
Where are the kids?
Well, they're all sitting
side-by-side on the couch.
Jason, it's eerie.
They aren't yelling, they aren't
fighting, they aren't even watching TV.
And this is a bad thing?
Yo, Rambo.
Hi. What's the
name of your barber?
Linda.
Not Petula with a fake mole?
- No.
- Yeah, right.
Ben, don't eat too much.
You'll spoil your appetite.
Not a chance.
Why don't we just ask
them about these divorces?
After everything
we've learned, do you
really think they're
gonna tell us the truth?
Well, we've got to do something.
Before Ben ends up with a
harpoon sticking out of him.
Listen, guys, I've
formulated a plan.
- What?
- Okay.
Now, when we do
something wrong...
only Mom and Dad don't
know quite what it is...
they get us into this
conversation about other junk...
just to trick us into
saying too much.
So let's just do that to them.
They never do that to me.
Well, Carol, that's because you lead a
very sad, uninteresting and boring life.
Do you wanna talk about that, or
do you wanna talk about this plan?
- The plan.
- All right, okay.
I'll work on Dad. Carol,
you work on Mom.
What do I work on?
Losing weight.
Dad, do you have a
second to rap with me?
You wanna rap?
Yeah, is that the right word?
Sure, if you're Sammy Davis, Jr.
No, no, you know
what I mean. Talk, chat.
Have one of our
meaningful dialogues.
Yeah. Nice haircut,
by the way, Dad.
No, no, you know what I mean.
Just kind of a chance for us to get
together and see how we're doing.
I mean, you're
my only dad, right?
And I'm one of your
three only kids, aren't I?
So, what kind of
trouble are you in, Mike?
- Mom.
- Hi, honey.
What's up?
Nothing's up. Why do
you think something's up?
Does something have to be up just
because I wanna come in here and talk?
I wanna hang out with you and I
get accused of something being up.
So, Dad, did you hear?
I'm dating a new girl now.
Mike, you're always dating a new girl
because nobody will go out with you twice.
No, no, Dad, this one's
special. Her name is Petula.
- She wouldn't be a barber, would she?
- A barber?
Why do you ask, Dad? Do you
know any Petula who's a barber?
One with those, say, a
mole painted on her face?
No.
Ben mentioned it.
Mm-hm. I see.
Mike, are you enjoying
this conversation?
Okay...
All right, here it is.
I'm having a little problem
with my social life, Dad, and...
I figured that a guy like
you has dated around a lot.
Yeah, well, it was a
long time ago, but...
Yeah.
Yeah, you probably even
went steady a time or two, right?
Yeah.
Heck, you probably even
married a few of them, right?
What?
Did you know that most divorced
people never have to set the table?
What?
Well, it's a well-known fact
that they eat most meals...
hunched over a sink.
Carol.
You wouldn't think it was
funny if you were divorced.
It sure would save me a
lot of time in the kitchen.
Oh, fine. Duck the question.
Carol, what question
am I ducking?
Mom, how can I
make it any clearer?
Whoa. Heh, heh.
I'll bet it feels weird
eating at the table, huh?
Well, that makes it unanimous.
None of my children are making sense.
They're either staring at me
like I'm back from the grave...
or telling me interesting
facts about divorced people.
There's something up.
Mike was just asking me...
how many times I've
been married and I...
Wait a minute.
They know.
Oh, look, just like I told you.
They've been into
everything down here.
They even found this stocking you
gave me for the interns' comedy revue.
That's not mine.
Sure it is.
Mike, Carol, Ben.
No, I wear tall. This is petite.
Well, we're getting
off the subject here.
All right, kids, your mom
and I would like to talk to you.
- I'll bet.
- We're listening.
Jason, I'll handle this.
Um... Uh, um...
I'll handle this, okay?
If this is gonna take a while,
I'm gonna call for a pizza.
Sit down, Ben.
Now, your mother and
I were married in 1968.
Come on, Dad, we already know
you weren't even living together in 1969.
- Well, yes.
- And we know you were divorced.
From somebody named Petula.
- Who?
- I don't know.
And we know you
got divorced too.
Don't try to deny that you were married
to some guy your dad called a lunkhead.
That's right. The
lunkhead's your dad.
Thank you.
That explains it all.
I feel much better.
No, no, no, that
explains nothing.
Kids, this is... This
is difficult to explain.
But, see, your dad and I went
through a period where we...
We thought it was impossible to
have two careers and a marriage.
It was.
I was doing my
internship in Phoenix...
and your mom had the
new job at Newsweek.
Yes, and we...
Well, we split up.
When you spend your
life working for a goal...
it's tough to give
it up just like that.
Impossible.
So we went our
separate ways and...
- It was the worst time of my life.
- Me too.
See, we didn't
disagree about anything.
It got so at one point,
my lawyer got up in court...
and he blurted out, "Why
don't you save everybody...
a lot of trouble
and stay married?"
Well, we looked at each
other and realized at once that...
How stupid we'd been.
- As well as what was really important.
- And the divorce never went through.
Thank God.
All right. All right, well,
then explain who this babe is.
Well, this babe is Petula Clark.
She was a popular
singer in the '60s.
And I was a member
of her fan club.
Okay, president.
For a very short time, okay?
See, I told you there was
nothing to worry about.
Why didn't you
tell us this before?
We weren't trying to keep
it a secret on purpose.
It's just that we were waiting
for you to be old enough.
And then by the time you
were, then Ben came along.
After a while it seemed the
whole thing was ancient history.
It really didn't matter at all.
What matters is how
much we love each other...
and you, each of you,
every day of the last 17 years.
I like to think it's because we came
so close to making a mistake like that...
that the last 17
have been so good.
It made us learn the
fine art of compromise.
And we care enough to
give each other a little room...
and the right to his
own point of view.
Like I said at the wedding...
you're the only woman
I ever wanted to marry.
- So the toast wasn't a lie.
- No.
So you guys split up just
to get it out of the way?
Well, I couldn't have said
it any better myself, Ben.
Wow. I'm gonna have a family history
that's gonna make Stinky Sullivan smell.
Well...
I just think that that
is the most beautiful...
most romantic thing
I have ever heard.
God bless you.
Look, I told them they
were getting carried away.
Sure.
And I speak for all of us when
I say that I am really glad...
you guys got back
together when you did.
Oh, that's so sweet, Mike.
I mean, if you had waited one
more year, I'd have been Carol.
Maria Flagenhoffer.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, I just remembered.
Maria Flagenhoffer. That's
who gave me the pantyhose.
She's a proctologist... now.
- Fine.
- Heh, heh.
Honey, I'm not jealous.
Well, all right, I just
wanted you to know
where I got them, you
know, just in case...
It's a pretty good story though.
I don't care.
- No?
- No.
Particularly when I see that
she was a bit thick in the thigh.
No, no, no, not Maria.
No, she was...
She was maybe 15 to
18 pounds overweight.
What am I saying? Twenty-five
pounds if she was lucky.
Jason, what's past is past.
Good. Yes.
From the look of her picture,
she looks like a nice person.
Oh, yeah. She was, yeah.
- Fun lady, I'd guess.
- Oh, yeah.
She had a great sense of humor.
Yeah, she loved to laugh.
And you gave her
plenty to laugh at, I'll bet.
- Oh, Maggie.
- Oh, you've got a lot of nerve.
Maggie. Maggie.
Oh, come on, she was
35 pounds overweight.
- Sure.
- She was a total pig.