Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 8 - Slice of Life - full transcript
♪ SHOW ME THAT SMILE AGAIN ♪
♪ DON'T WASTE ANOTHER
MINUTE ON YOUR CRYIN' ♪
♪ WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE END ♪
♪ THE BEST IS READY TO BEGIN ♪
♪ AS LONG AS WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪
♪ WE GOT THE WORLD
SPINNIN' RIGHT IN OUR HANDS ♪
♪ BABY YOU AND ME ♪
♪ WE GOTTA BE ♪
♪ THE LUCKIEST DREAMERS
WHO NEVER QUIT DREAMIN' ♪
♪ AS LONG AS WE KEEP ON GIVIN' ♪
♪ WE CAN TAKE ANYTHING
THAT COMES OUR WAY ♪
♪ BABY, RAIN OR SHINE ♪
♪ ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪
♪ SHARIN' THE
LAUGHTER AND LOVE ♪
YOU KNOW THAT IN CERTAIN
REMOTE AREAS OF BRAZIL
COFFEE'S CONSIDERED
TO BE AN APHRODISIAC.
MMM-HMM.
MORE COFFEE?
PLEASE.
I THINK IT'S WORKING.
WELL, IN THAT CASE...
WELL, IT'S THERE IF YOU NEED IT.
OH, I LOVE SATURDAY
MORNINGS. SO TRANQUIL.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU
LISTEN CAREFULLY,
YOU CAN ALMOST
HEAR THE LEAVES FALL.
BIG LEAVES THIS YEAR.
YOU SCUZZBALL!
YOU'RE THE SCUZZBALL!
YOUR MAMA! YOUR MAMA!
HEY, WAIT, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS.
YOU BOTH HAVE THE SAME MAMA.
COME ON, WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?
CAROL TURNED THE WATER OFF!
I WAS TAKING A SHOWER, AND
SHE TURNED THE WATER OFF!
I HAD TO. HE WOULDN'T
LET ME IN THE BATHROOM.
I WAS INDISPOSED.
WELL, HE WAS IN THERE
FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.
ONE HOUR, 33 MINUTES,
AND 22 SECONDS.
HE'S TRYING TO GET INTO
THE WORLD RECORD BOOK.
AS WHAT, BEN? THE HUMAN PRUNE?
NO, FOR TAKING THE
LONGEST SHOWER.
THE RECORD'S ONLY 374 HOURS.
I CAN BEAT THAT, EASY.
BEN, 300, THAT'S, UH, 2 WEEKS.
YOU CAN'T STAY IN
THE WATER THAT LONG.
THAT'S WHAT THEY TOLD
JACQUES COUSTEAU.
BEN, JACQUES HAD A SUBMARINE.
NOT WHEN HE WAS 9.
BEN...
GREAT. I WANTED TO BE
IMMORTAL. INSTEAD, I'M JUST WET.
IMMORTAL?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU
WANTED TO BE IMMORTAL?
SINCE I WAS 2.
WELL,
IF YOU PROMISE TO STAY OUT OF
THE BATHROOM, MAYBE I'LL HELP YOU.
OK.
HEY, I WONDER WHAT'S THE LONGEST
ANYONE'S GONE WITHOUT A SHOWER.
I THINK IT WAS MIKE LAST SUMMER.
WELL, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT
THOSE TRANQUIL
SATURDAY MORNINGS.
I GUESS HE COULDN'T GET
IN THE BATHROOM, EITHER.
HEY, MOM, DAD, I
WANT TO TAKE KARATE.
I WANT TO SPLIT BOARDS.
I WANT TO BREAK BRICKS.
HEY, QUICK. HIDE THE CHIMNEY.
COME ON, DAD, I'M SERIOUS.
AND THE FIRST
CLASS STARTS TODAY.
MIKE, WHY ARE YOU SO HOT, ALL
OF A SUDDEN, ABOUT TAKING KARATE?
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT, DAD? SHE WANTS
TO KNOW WHY I WANT TO TAKE KARATE.
MIKE? YEAH, DAD?
WHY DO YOU WANT TO TAKE KARATE?
I DON'T KNOW. I JUST WANT TO.
THE ANALYTICAL MIND AT WORK.
OH, COME ON, DAD. DOES
EVERYBODY HAVE TO HAVE A REASON
FOR EVERYTHING THEY DO?
NO.
THERE YOU GO, THEN.
SO YOU'LL PAY FOR
THE LESSONS? NO.
WHY NOT? NO REASON.
MIKE, I THINK I SPEAK FOR
BOTH YOUR FATHER AND MYSELF
WHEN I ASK YOU:
IS THERE A GIRL IN THIS CLASS?
WHAT?
A GIRL?
YOU KNOW, I RESENT THAT.
I TAKE THAT AS A "YES."
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
REMEMBER WHEN YOU JUST HAD TO
TAKE HORSEBACK-RIDING LESSONS?
YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU SAID IT
WOULD HELP YOU OVERCOME
YOUR FEAR OF LARGE ANIMALS?
YEAH, WELL, YOU GOTTA ADMIT,
DEBBIE DIZOMBA WAS LARGE.
RIGHT.
AND REMEMBER WHEN YOU JUST HAD
TO LEARN SCOTTISH FOLK DANCING?
HEY, I WAS STARVED FOR CULTURE.
OH.
THIS IS DIFFERENT, DAD. THIS
IS KARATE. IT'S A MAN'S SPORT.
AND IT COSTS NEXT TO
NOTHING. OH, GOOD, GOOD.
YOU GOT CHANGE FOR $1?
OK, HOW NEXT TO NOTHING?
IT'S ONLY A $125, DAD. OH.
AND THAT INCLUDES A
DOZEN TRAINING BRICKS.
MIKE, HERE'S $10.
GO BUY HER A
BURGER. IT'S CHEAPER.
BROUGHT YOU SOME COFFEE.
OH, HI, HONEY. OH,
NOT THERE. NO, NO.
WOULD YOU GET ME A
COASTER THERE, PLEASE?
I POLISHED THIS THING WITHIN
AN INCH OF ITS LIFE THIS WEEK.
UH-HUH.
AND NOW YOU'RE
JUST KEEPING IT WARM?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JASON,
THAT YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SEE?
ME? UH-HUH.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
WORKING ON A TEST.
OH, I GUESS YOU
COULD SAY THAT, YEAH.
WELL, WHAT KIND OF A TEST IS IT?
IT'S A DULL TEST.
I MEAN, WHAT'S IT FOR?
WELL, IT'S A TEST TO
MEASURE DULLNESS.
OH. IT'S, UH, SO DULL, I
CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT.
JASON?
OK, IT'S A
MARRIAGE-COMPATIBILITY TEST
THAT I'M PLANNING TO GIVE
A COUPLE OF MY PATIENTS.
OH, HOW FUN!
LET'S TAKE IT AND SEE HOW WE DO.
I KNEW WE WOULD SAY THAT.
OH, DON'T BE
SUCH A STICK-IN-THE-MUD.
SUCH A STICK-IN-THE-MUD.
AM I THAT PREDICTABLE?
NO, NO.
NO, YOU'RE SPONTANEOUS AND IMPETUOUS
AND THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU.
OH, DON'T BE A WISE GUY.
DON'T BE SUCH A WISE GUY.
MAGGIE, THIS IS A TEST FOR
COUPLES HAVING PROBLEMS.
IT, UH, PINPOINTS
AREAS OF CONFLICT.
WE HAVE NO CONFLICT.
OH, YEAH?
I WANT TO TAKE THE
TEST. DO YOU? NO.
SEE? CONFLICT.
MAGGIE, IT'S A BORING TEST.
HMM, NOT FROM WHAT I SEE HERE.
THE QUESTIONS ARE PROFOUND,
ASTUTE, FULL OF INSIGHT.
ESPECIALLY THE SMUTTY ONES.
AH, YES, NUMBER 12.
IF YOU LIKE THAT, WAIT
TILL YOU GET TO NUMBER 33.
OH, COME ON,
JASON. FILL ONE OUT.
IF YOU DO WELL, I'LL
GIVE YOU A BIG, UH,
37.
37?
HEY. WELL, WHAT MORE INCENTIVE
COULD ANY RED-BLOODED,
CARD-CARRYING HUSBAND ASK FOR?
42. BINGO!
YEAH, BONER. YEAH, LOOK, REMEMBER
WHEN WE SAW THE KARATE KID?
YEAH. OK. WELL, WHAT DID
THE OLD MAN TELL THE KID,
WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT
REASON TO STUDY KARATE?
NO, NO, I WAS OUT
GETTING THE GOOBERS.
YEAH.
YEAH, OH, GOOD. ALL RIGHT, WAIT.
UH-HUH.
OH, GOOD, BONER,
GOOD. YEAH, GREAT.
UH-HUH, YEAH, OK. ALL
RIGHT, THANKS A LOT. BYE-BYE.
DAD. HEY, CAN WE TALK?
SURE.
UH, LOOK, I KNOW THAT
I KIND OF GOT UPSET,
UH, THIS MORNING WHEN YOU SAID I
COULDN'T TAKE THE KARATE LESSONS.
UH-HUH.
AND I KNOW THAT, IN THE PAST, I
MAY HAVE USED THESE ACTIVITIES
TO MEET GIRLS.
UH-HUH.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY
GLAD YOU PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN
ABOUT THESE KARATE LESSONS, DAD,
BECAUSE IT FORCED ME TO
LOOK DEEPER INTO MYSELF
AND ASK, "MIKE, WHY DO YOU
WANT TO TAKE THESE LESSONS?"
UH-HUH.
AND THE ANSWER CAME TO ME, DAD.
"MIKE, YOU WANT TO TAKE KARATE,
BECAUSE IT DEVELOPS DISCIPLINE."
OH.
NOT ONLY PHYSICAL
DISCIPLINE, DAD,
BUT SPIRITUAL
DISCIPLINE AS WELL.
THAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU, IS IT?
OH, YEAH, DAD.
I MEAN, HEY, WITH NO
DISCIPLINE, EACH ONE OF US
"IS LIKE A RUDDERLESS CRAFT IN
A SEA OF CONFLICTING DESIRES."
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD?
I NEED THE RUDDER
THAT KARATE WILL GIVE ME.
I SEE.
SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT
YOU'RE TAKING KARATE
TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE
THIS SPIRITUAL STATE OF, UH,
DON HO?
RIGHT. DON HO.
MIKE, DON HO IS THE HAWAIIAN
SINGER WHO RECORDED TINY BUBBLES.
RIGHT. VERY SPIRITUAL GUY.
♪ YOU AIN'T NOTHIN'
BUT A HOUND DOG ♪
♪ CRYIN' ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ YOU AIN'T NOTHIN'
BUT A HOUND DOG ♪
♪ CRYIN' ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ WELL, YOU AIN'T
NEVER CAUGHT A RABBIT ♪
♪ AND YOU AIN'T
NO FRIEND OF MINE ♪
YEAH!
HE'S UP TO 46 MINUTES
NOW! WE'RE GOING TO DO IT!
DO WHAT? THROW OUT HIS HIP?
NO, BREAK THE WORLD'S RECORD
FOR THE MOST CONSECUTIVE
HOURS OF IMITATING ELVIS!
I TAKE IT YOU'RE GOING FOR
ENDURANCE HERE, NOT ACCURACY.
♪ AND YOU AIN'T
NO FRIEND OF MINE ♪
HOW MUCH LONGER BEFORE
HE GETS IN THE BOOK?
OH, WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 1:30.
A WEEK FROM THURSDAY.
CAROL.
BEN!
I'M SURE ELVIS WOULD BE TOUCHED
BUT YOU CAN'T KEEP THIS
UP FOR ANOTHER 12 DAYS.
BEN? ♪ CRYING ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ WELL, YOU AIN'T
NEVER CAUGHT A RABBIT ♪
THE KING IS DEAD.
I'M SORRY.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
♪ I'M ALL SHOOK UP ♪
♪ MM-MM, OH ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ I'M ALL SHOOK UP ♪
AH, SO, DID YOU FINISH
SCORING OUR TESTS YET? YEP.
WELL, WHAT'S IT
SAY? WHAT'S IT SAY?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, IT
SAYS YOU'RE IMPATIENT.
OH, COME ON, JASON. ARE
WE COMPATIBLE OR NOT?
I AM. YOU'RE NOT.
DARN.
NO, GO AHEAD. SEE FOR YOURSELF.
WE GOT AN EXCELLENT
SCORE. MMM-HMM.
AGREED ON JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.
ESPECIALLY THE SMUTTY QUESTIONS.
OH, HERE'S ONE WE DISAGREED ON.
"WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY?"
OH, JASON. WHAT?
I SAID "GARDENING," AND YOU
SAID "COLLECTING BASEBALL CARDS."
HOW CAN WE GO ON WITH
THIS RIFT IN OUR MARRIAGE?
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
WE'LL HAVE TO SELL THE
HOUSE AND DIVIDE THE KIDS.
YOU TAKE MIKE.
UH-OH, HERE'S ANOTHER
ONE YOU SCREWED UP.
"WHAT SIDE OF THE
BED DO YOU SLEEP ON?"
I SAID "THE LEFT" AND
YOU SAID "THE LEFT."
WELL, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU TAKE UP MOST OF THE
BED, AND I SLEEP ON WHAT'S LEFT.
OH, NO, HERE'S ANOTHER
ONE YOU BOTCHED UP.
JASON, YOU SHOULD
BE MORE CAREFUL.
"WOULD YOU EVER KEEP
ANYTHING FROM YOUR SPOUSE?"
WHAT DID I SAY?
YOU SAID "YES."
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.
WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'D
KEEP THINGS FROM ME?
THAT'S LIKE SAYING
THAT YOU'D LIE TO ME.
NO, NO, YOU'RE
TWISTING MY ANSWER.
THE QUESTION SIMPLY ASKS,
"WOULD YOU EVER KEEP
ANYTHING FROM YOUR SPOUSE?"
"ANYTHING" IS A BIG WORD.
IT MEANS ANYTHING.
WELL, THANKS FOR
CLEARING THAT UP.
NOW WILL YOU TELL
ME WHAT "LIAR" MEANS?
OH, COME ON, MAGGIE, WHAT ARE YOU
MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OF THIS FOR?
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
HONEST WITH YOU.
OH?
YES.
REMEMBER WHEN SOMEBODY TRIED
TO MIX CEMENT IN YOUR BLENDER?
I STEPPED FORWARD
RIGHT AWAY AND SAID,
"BEN DID IT."
JASON, YOU THINK THIS
IS FUNNY, DON'T YOU?
NO, HONEY, I'M JUST SAYING...
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I REMEMBER.
I REMEMBER THE MATTAPOISETT INN.
THE MATTA... YES, WHERE
WE HAD OUR HONEYMOON.
YES, NOW REMEMBER
THAT FIRST NIGHT,
AND REMEMBER IN FRONT OF
THE FIREPLACE WHEN WE SAT...
HONEY, I REMEMBER WHAT WE
DID IN FRONT OF THAT FIREPLACE.
REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID?
YES, I SAID, "LET'S
TRY THAT AGAIN,
WITHOUT THE ICE CUBES."
YOU ALSO SAID THAT TOTAL HONESTY
IS ESSENTIAL TO A
HAPPY MARRIAGE.
I SAID THAT AFTER
WE WERE MARRIED?
OK, OK. I SAID THAT. MMM-HMM.
BUT WE'RE MORE MATURE NOW.
SO, NOW WE LIE LIKE RUGS.
NO, I'M ONLY SAYING THAT
THERE ARE SOME THINGS
THAT I MIGHT NOT VOLUNTEER.
WELL, LIKE WHAT THINGS?
GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
AN EXAMPLE? UH-HUH.
2 TRAINS, TRAVELING FROM
OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS...
JASON. TRAIN A MOVING
85 MILES AN HOUR...
I MEANT AN EXAMPLE
FROM OUR LIVES.
WELL, YOU DIDN'T LET ME
FINISH. WE WERE ON TRAIN B.
DAMN IT, BE SERIOUS.
OH, YOU WANT A SERIOUS EXAMPLE?
YES.
OK.
HERE'S SOMETHING
I DIDN'T TELL YOU
BECAUSE I THOUGHT
IT MIGHT UPSET YOU.
I WILL NOT BE UPSET.
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO I
RAN INTO ALISON VAN DYKE
AT THE DRY CLEANER'S.
YOUR OLD GIRLFRIEND?
THAT'S THE ONE.
HOW NICE.
NOW, WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT
TO TELL ME YOU RAN INTO ALISON?
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I
THOUGHT YOU'D... BE UPSET?
NONSENSE. DOES SHE
STILL STRIP FOR MONEY?
MAGGIE, SHE'S AN ARTIST'S MODEL.
AND WHAT DOES SHE HAVE
TO DRY-CLEAN, ANYWAY?
YOU'D THINK THEY COULD JUST
HOSE HER DOWN ONCE A WEEK.
SEE, THIS IS EXACTLY WHY
I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I'M
NOT UPSET THAT YOU SAW HER.
I'M UPSET THAT
YOU HID IT FROM ME.
SO, WHAT DID YOU AND
THE NUDIST TALK ABOUT?
SEE, I KNEW I THAT I
SHOULD'VE KEPT THIS TO MYSELF.
RIGHT!
THAT AND ALL YOUR OTHER
SQUALID, LITTLE SECRETS.
WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME. I'M
OFF TO DO A LITTLE JOGGING, JASON.
WELL, I GUESS THAT MEANS
NO NUMBER 37 TONIGHT.
I'M TIRED. I'M
HUNGRY. I'M BORED.
I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
I'M SICK OF THIS. I'M SICK OF YOU.
AH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT! TELL ME
MORE. TELL ME WHAT YOU HATE.
I HATE EVERYTHING.
I HATE THIS HOUSE.
I HATE THIS RUG, THIS
SOFA CUSHION, THIS TABLE.
I HATE HIS PAJAMAS.
WHAT'S WITH HIM?
HE'S GOING FOR A
RECORD IN COMPLAINING.
HE HAS TO COMPLAIN
FOR 62 STRAIGHT HOURS.
SO FAR, HE'S GOT 2
STRAIGHT MINUTES.
I HATE MINUTES. I
HATE STOPWATCHES.
I HATE YOUR FACE.
OH, I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING
TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.
I HATE GETTING BEAT UP
BY PEOPLE BIGGER THAN ME.
I HATE PAIN.
UH, BEN,
LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND FIND
SOMETHING FOR YOU TO HATE.
I HATE STAIRS.
I HATE THIS CLOCK, AND I
HATE THESE CANDLES AND...
HI, MIKE. READY FOR
THE FIRST CLASS?
OH, LYNDA, LOOK, I SAID I'D MEET
YOU DOWN AT THE KARATE PLACE.
OH, I KNOW. I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE
MORE FUN IF WE WALKED TOGETHER.
OH, UM...
WAS I WRONG? NO, NO.
IT IS OK THAT I'M
HERE, ISN'T IT?
YEAH, YEAH. LOOK, WHY DON'T I
GIVE YOU A TOUR OF THE HOUSE.
UH, T-THIS IS THE
HALL CLOSET HERE.
HEY, DAD. HI, MIKE.
YOUR MOTHER COME
BACK FROM HER JOG YET?
NO, NOT YET.
I THOUGHT I HEARD HER VOICE.
NO, DAD, THAT WASN'T HER.
HEY, MIKE, YOU
KNOW, THERE'S NO USE
IN YOU AND I DISCUSSING
THIS KARATE THING ANYMORE,
UNLESS YOU'RE GONNA
BE STRAIGHT WITH ME.
NOW, I STILL THINK THERE'S
A GIRL IN THIS CLASS.
NO WAY, DAD.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, MAYBE
THERE IS ONE GIRL.
BUT WE'RE TALKING FLEA
COLLARS AND MILK BONES.
THIS GIRL IS THE ELEPHANT GIRL.
NICE TO MEET YOU, MR. SEAVER.
YOU THOUGHT DEBBIE
DIZOMBA WAS AN ANIMAL.
HI.
HI.
OH, DON'T LET ME DISTURB YOU. I JUST
THINK I LEFT MY GLASSES IN HERE SOMEWHERE.
SO YOU DID.
OH.
THANKS.
DON'T MENTION IT.
WELL, THAT'S ALL I WANTED. I
WON'T BOTHER YOU ANY MORE.
IT'S NO BOTHER.
IN FACT, I HAVE A FREE HOUR IF
THERE'S ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE TO DISCUSS,
MRS. SEAVER.
WELL, DOCTOR,
THERE IS SOMETHING TROUBLING ME.
I KNEW IT.
I'M A PSYCHIATRIST. I
SENSE THESE THINGS.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT
DOWN AND TELL ME ABOUT IT?
IT'S MY HUSBAND.
WHAT ABOUT HIM?
HE'S IMPOSSIBLE.
I MEAN, I LOVE HIM, AND HE'S A
GREAT FATHER, BUT SOMETIMES...
DOES HE BEAT YOU?
NO.
DRINK TO EXCESS?
SCRATCH HIMSELF IN PUBLIC?
NO.
THEN WHY IS HE SO IMPOSSIBLE?
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
BELIEVE IN TOTAL HONESTY.
MRS. SEAVER, ARE YOU BEING
TOTALLY HONEST WITH ME NOW?
YES.
WELL, THERE'S ONE
SURE WAY TO FIND OUT.
OH.
HYPNOSIS.
HYPNOSIS?
YOU JUST KEEP YOUR EYE ON
THE HYPNOTIC TRANCE INDUCER.
VERY IMPRESSIVE.
NOW MAY I SEE YOU
DO WALK THE DOG.
NOT FOR THESE
PRICES, MRS. SEAVER.
NOW YOU'RE GETTING TIRED.
YOU CAN BARELY
KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.
YOU'RE OUT.
WORKS EVERY TIME.
SO, MRS. SEAVER, YOU ARE
NOW INCAPABLE OF TELLING A LIE.
AND EVERYTHING YOU SAY WILL BE
THE COMPLETE AND ABSOLUTE TRUTH.
YOU UNDERSTAND? YES, DOCTOR.
ALL RIGHT. WE'LL START
WITH A SIMPLE TEST QUESTION.
WHAT DO YOU REALLY THINK OF
YOUR HUSBAND'S RED PLAID BLAZER?
HIS RED PLAID BLAZER? MMM-HMM.
WELL, I THINK THAT IT REALLY
BRINGS OUT THE COLOR OF HIS
GUMS.
THE WHOLE TRUTH, MRS. SEAVER.
I THINK IT'S THE UGLIEST THING
I'VE SEEN SINCE CAROL'S SNAKE
GOT CAUGHT IN THE DISHWASHER.
GOOD. NOW WE'RE
GETTING SOMEWHERE.
AND THAT AWFUL
TIE HE WEARS WITH IT.
MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE A THRIFT
SHOP BLEW UP IN HIS FACE.
I ONLY ASKED ABOUT THE BLAZER.
JUST BEING HONEST.
WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS.
I HAVE ONE MORE QUESTION
FOR YOU, MRS. SEAVER.
BY ANY CHANCE, AT LAST
YEAR'S CHRISTMAS PARTY,
DID MARTY BRANDT
MAKE A PASS AT YOU?
WELL, HOW DID YOU KNOW... WELL,
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW I FOUND OUT.
DID HE MAKE A PASS
AT YOU, OR NOT?
WELL, Y-YES.
BUT IT WAS NOTHING. I
WOULDN'T EVEN CALL IT A PASS.
HE ASKED YOU TO
GO TO TAHITI WITH HIM.
JUST FOR THE WEEKEND.
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
I MEAN, DOESN'T A HUSBAND
HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW,
WHEN HIS WIFE IS PROPOSITIONED?
JASON, I DIDN'T THINK THERE
WAS ANY POINT IN MENTIONING IT.
I MEAN, HONEY, I DIDN'T WANT TO
RUIN YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH MARTY.
BESIDES, MARTY'D HAD
TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
HE DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT HE WAS DOING.
OH, I KNOW.
BECAUSE AS SOON AS YOU TURNED
HIM DOWN, HE STAGGERED OVER TO ME,
AND BLABBED THE
WHOLE SORDID STORY.
MARTY TOLD YOU?
MMM-HMM, HE CONFESSED.
THEN HE BROKE INTO TEARS AND
TRIED TO BLOW HIS NOSE ON MY TIE.
THE ONE I WEAR WITH
MY RED PLAID BLAZER.
JASON, I'M SORRY.
I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.
MAYBE.
OR MAYBE YOU REALIZED THAT TELLING
ME WOULDN'T DO ANYBODY ANY GOOD,
SO YOU KEPT IT TO YOURSELF.
I ADMIRE YOU FOR THAT.
REALLY? MMM-HMM.
AND I'M SURE IF MARTY
HAD BEEN SOBER,
YOU WOULD HAVE
TOLD ME EVERYTHING.
AS SOON AS YOU GOT
BACK FROM TAHITI.
AND I'M SURE YOU WOULD HAVE
TOLD ME IF ALISON HAD BEEN
NUDE.
RIGHT AFTER WE GOT
BACK FROM TAHITI.
JASON.
I MEAN, DR. SEAVER. THANK YOU.
YOU'VE BEEN VERY HELPFUL. YES.
WELL, IT HAS BEEN A MOST
PRODUCTIVE SESSION. MMM-HMM.
HOWEVER, THERE'S ONE OTHER
THING I'D LIKE TO TRY WITH YOU.
OH.
SOMETHING I'VE NEVER
TRIED BEFORE WITH A PATIENT.
WHAT'S THAT?
NUMBER 42.
DOCTOR.
THERE IS NO USE RESISTING.
YOU'RE UNDER HYPNOSIS.
MMM, WHO'S RESISTING?
WHEN THOSE WORLD RECORD
PEOPLE GET THIS LETTER,
WE'LL BE IN THAT NEXT
EDITION FOR SURE.
AH, SO, WHAT RECORD
DID YOU GUYS BREAK?
MOST FAILED ATTEMPTS
TRYING TO GET INTO
THE WORLD RECORD
BOOK IN ONE DAY.
AND THEY SAID IT
COULDN'T BE DONE.
MOM, DAD, CAN I
TAKE MODERN DANCE?
♪ DON'T WASTE ANOTHER
MINUTE ON YOUR CRYIN' ♪
♪ WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE END ♪
♪ THE BEST IS READY TO BEGIN ♪
♪ AS LONG AS WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪
♪ WE GOT THE WORLD
SPINNIN' RIGHT IN OUR HANDS ♪
♪ BABY YOU AND ME ♪
♪ WE GOTTA BE ♪
♪ THE LUCKIEST DREAMERS
WHO NEVER QUIT DREAMIN' ♪
♪ AS LONG AS WE KEEP ON GIVIN' ♪
♪ WE CAN TAKE ANYTHING
THAT COMES OUR WAY ♪
♪ BABY, RAIN OR SHINE ♪
♪ ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪
♪ SHARIN' THE
LAUGHTER AND LOVE ♪
YOU KNOW THAT IN CERTAIN
REMOTE AREAS OF BRAZIL
COFFEE'S CONSIDERED
TO BE AN APHRODISIAC.
MMM-HMM.
MORE COFFEE?
PLEASE.
I THINK IT'S WORKING.
WELL, IN THAT CASE...
WELL, IT'S THERE IF YOU NEED IT.
OH, I LOVE SATURDAY
MORNINGS. SO TRANQUIL.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU
LISTEN CAREFULLY,
YOU CAN ALMOST
HEAR THE LEAVES FALL.
BIG LEAVES THIS YEAR.
YOU SCUZZBALL!
YOU'RE THE SCUZZBALL!
YOUR MAMA! YOUR MAMA!
HEY, WAIT, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS.
YOU BOTH HAVE THE SAME MAMA.
COME ON, WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?
CAROL TURNED THE WATER OFF!
I WAS TAKING A SHOWER, AND
SHE TURNED THE WATER OFF!
I HAD TO. HE WOULDN'T
LET ME IN THE BATHROOM.
I WAS INDISPOSED.
WELL, HE WAS IN THERE
FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.
ONE HOUR, 33 MINUTES,
AND 22 SECONDS.
HE'S TRYING TO GET INTO
THE WORLD RECORD BOOK.
AS WHAT, BEN? THE HUMAN PRUNE?
NO, FOR TAKING THE
LONGEST SHOWER.
THE RECORD'S ONLY 374 HOURS.
I CAN BEAT THAT, EASY.
BEN, 300, THAT'S, UH, 2 WEEKS.
YOU CAN'T STAY IN
THE WATER THAT LONG.
THAT'S WHAT THEY TOLD
JACQUES COUSTEAU.
BEN, JACQUES HAD A SUBMARINE.
NOT WHEN HE WAS 9.
BEN...
GREAT. I WANTED TO BE
IMMORTAL. INSTEAD, I'M JUST WET.
IMMORTAL?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU
WANTED TO BE IMMORTAL?
SINCE I WAS 2.
WELL,
IF YOU PROMISE TO STAY OUT OF
THE BATHROOM, MAYBE I'LL HELP YOU.
OK.
HEY, I WONDER WHAT'S THE LONGEST
ANYONE'S GONE WITHOUT A SHOWER.
I THINK IT WAS MIKE LAST SUMMER.
WELL, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT
THOSE TRANQUIL
SATURDAY MORNINGS.
I GUESS HE COULDN'T GET
IN THE BATHROOM, EITHER.
HEY, MOM, DAD, I
WANT TO TAKE KARATE.
I WANT TO SPLIT BOARDS.
I WANT TO BREAK BRICKS.
HEY, QUICK. HIDE THE CHIMNEY.
COME ON, DAD, I'M SERIOUS.
AND THE FIRST
CLASS STARTS TODAY.
MIKE, WHY ARE YOU SO HOT, ALL
OF A SUDDEN, ABOUT TAKING KARATE?
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT, DAD? SHE WANTS
TO KNOW WHY I WANT TO TAKE KARATE.
MIKE? YEAH, DAD?
WHY DO YOU WANT TO TAKE KARATE?
I DON'T KNOW. I JUST WANT TO.
THE ANALYTICAL MIND AT WORK.
OH, COME ON, DAD. DOES
EVERYBODY HAVE TO HAVE A REASON
FOR EVERYTHING THEY DO?
NO.
THERE YOU GO, THEN.
SO YOU'LL PAY FOR
THE LESSONS? NO.
WHY NOT? NO REASON.
MIKE, I THINK I SPEAK FOR
BOTH YOUR FATHER AND MYSELF
WHEN I ASK YOU:
IS THERE A GIRL IN THIS CLASS?
WHAT?
A GIRL?
YOU KNOW, I RESENT THAT.
I TAKE THAT AS A "YES."
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
REMEMBER WHEN YOU JUST HAD TO
TAKE HORSEBACK-RIDING LESSONS?
YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU SAID IT
WOULD HELP YOU OVERCOME
YOUR FEAR OF LARGE ANIMALS?
YEAH, WELL, YOU GOTTA ADMIT,
DEBBIE DIZOMBA WAS LARGE.
RIGHT.
AND REMEMBER WHEN YOU JUST HAD
TO LEARN SCOTTISH FOLK DANCING?
HEY, I WAS STARVED FOR CULTURE.
OH.
THIS IS DIFFERENT, DAD. THIS
IS KARATE. IT'S A MAN'S SPORT.
AND IT COSTS NEXT TO
NOTHING. OH, GOOD, GOOD.
YOU GOT CHANGE FOR $1?
OK, HOW NEXT TO NOTHING?
IT'S ONLY A $125, DAD. OH.
AND THAT INCLUDES A
DOZEN TRAINING BRICKS.
MIKE, HERE'S $10.
GO BUY HER A
BURGER. IT'S CHEAPER.
BROUGHT YOU SOME COFFEE.
OH, HI, HONEY. OH,
NOT THERE. NO, NO.
WOULD YOU GET ME A
COASTER THERE, PLEASE?
I POLISHED THIS THING WITHIN
AN INCH OF ITS LIFE THIS WEEK.
UH-HUH.
AND NOW YOU'RE
JUST KEEPING IT WARM?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JASON,
THAT YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SEE?
ME? UH-HUH.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
WORKING ON A TEST.
OH, I GUESS YOU
COULD SAY THAT, YEAH.
WELL, WHAT KIND OF A TEST IS IT?
IT'S A DULL TEST.
I MEAN, WHAT'S IT FOR?
WELL, IT'S A TEST TO
MEASURE DULLNESS.
OH. IT'S, UH, SO DULL, I
CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT.
JASON?
OK, IT'S A
MARRIAGE-COMPATIBILITY TEST
THAT I'M PLANNING TO GIVE
A COUPLE OF MY PATIENTS.
OH, HOW FUN!
LET'S TAKE IT AND SEE HOW WE DO.
I KNEW WE WOULD SAY THAT.
OH, DON'T BE
SUCH A STICK-IN-THE-MUD.
SUCH A STICK-IN-THE-MUD.
AM I THAT PREDICTABLE?
NO, NO.
NO, YOU'RE SPONTANEOUS AND IMPETUOUS
AND THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU.
OH, DON'T BE A WISE GUY.
DON'T BE SUCH A WISE GUY.
MAGGIE, THIS IS A TEST FOR
COUPLES HAVING PROBLEMS.
IT, UH, PINPOINTS
AREAS OF CONFLICT.
WE HAVE NO CONFLICT.
OH, YEAH?
I WANT TO TAKE THE
TEST. DO YOU? NO.
SEE? CONFLICT.
MAGGIE, IT'S A BORING TEST.
HMM, NOT FROM WHAT I SEE HERE.
THE QUESTIONS ARE PROFOUND,
ASTUTE, FULL OF INSIGHT.
ESPECIALLY THE SMUTTY ONES.
AH, YES, NUMBER 12.
IF YOU LIKE THAT, WAIT
TILL YOU GET TO NUMBER 33.
OH, COME ON,
JASON. FILL ONE OUT.
IF YOU DO WELL, I'LL
GIVE YOU A BIG, UH,
37.
37?
HEY. WELL, WHAT MORE INCENTIVE
COULD ANY RED-BLOODED,
CARD-CARRYING HUSBAND ASK FOR?
42. BINGO!
YEAH, BONER. YEAH, LOOK, REMEMBER
WHEN WE SAW THE KARATE KID?
YEAH. OK. WELL, WHAT DID
THE OLD MAN TELL THE KID,
WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT
REASON TO STUDY KARATE?
NO, NO, I WAS OUT
GETTING THE GOOBERS.
YEAH.
YEAH, OH, GOOD. ALL RIGHT, WAIT.
UH-HUH.
OH, GOOD, BONER,
GOOD. YEAH, GREAT.
UH-HUH, YEAH, OK. ALL
RIGHT, THANKS A LOT. BYE-BYE.
DAD. HEY, CAN WE TALK?
SURE.
UH, LOOK, I KNOW THAT
I KIND OF GOT UPSET,
UH, THIS MORNING WHEN YOU SAID I
COULDN'T TAKE THE KARATE LESSONS.
UH-HUH.
AND I KNOW THAT, IN THE PAST, I
MAY HAVE USED THESE ACTIVITIES
TO MEET GIRLS.
UH-HUH.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY
GLAD YOU PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN
ABOUT THESE KARATE LESSONS, DAD,
BECAUSE IT FORCED ME TO
LOOK DEEPER INTO MYSELF
AND ASK, "MIKE, WHY DO YOU
WANT TO TAKE THESE LESSONS?"
UH-HUH.
AND THE ANSWER CAME TO ME, DAD.
"MIKE, YOU WANT TO TAKE KARATE,
BECAUSE IT DEVELOPS DISCIPLINE."
OH.
NOT ONLY PHYSICAL
DISCIPLINE, DAD,
BUT SPIRITUAL
DISCIPLINE AS WELL.
THAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU, IS IT?
OH, YEAH, DAD.
I MEAN, HEY, WITH NO
DISCIPLINE, EACH ONE OF US
"IS LIKE A RUDDERLESS CRAFT IN
A SEA OF CONFLICTING DESIRES."
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD?
I NEED THE RUDDER
THAT KARATE WILL GIVE ME.
I SEE.
SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT
YOU'RE TAKING KARATE
TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE
THIS SPIRITUAL STATE OF, UH,
DON HO?
RIGHT. DON HO.
MIKE, DON HO IS THE HAWAIIAN
SINGER WHO RECORDED TINY BUBBLES.
RIGHT. VERY SPIRITUAL GUY.
♪ YOU AIN'T NOTHIN'
BUT A HOUND DOG ♪
♪ CRYIN' ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ YOU AIN'T NOTHIN'
BUT A HOUND DOG ♪
♪ CRYIN' ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ WELL, YOU AIN'T
NEVER CAUGHT A RABBIT ♪
♪ AND YOU AIN'T
NO FRIEND OF MINE ♪
YEAH!
HE'S UP TO 46 MINUTES
NOW! WE'RE GOING TO DO IT!
DO WHAT? THROW OUT HIS HIP?
NO, BREAK THE WORLD'S RECORD
FOR THE MOST CONSECUTIVE
HOURS OF IMITATING ELVIS!
I TAKE IT YOU'RE GOING FOR
ENDURANCE HERE, NOT ACCURACY.
♪ AND YOU AIN'T
NO FRIEND OF MINE ♪
HOW MUCH LONGER BEFORE
HE GETS IN THE BOOK?
OH, WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 1:30.
A WEEK FROM THURSDAY.
CAROL.
BEN!
I'M SURE ELVIS WOULD BE TOUCHED
BUT YOU CAN'T KEEP THIS
UP FOR ANOTHER 12 DAYS.
BEN? ♪ CRYING ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ WELL, YOU AIN'T
NEVER CAUGHT A RABBIT ♪
THE KING IS DEAD.
I'M SORRY.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
♪ I'M ALL SHOOK UP ♪
♪ MM-MM, OH ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ I'M ALL SHOOK UP ♪
AH, SO, DID YOU FINISH
SCORING OUR TESTS YET? YEP.
WELL, WHAT'S IT
SAY? WHAT'S IT SAY?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, IT
SAYS YOU'RE IMPATIENT.
OH, COME ON, JASON. ARE
WE COMPATIBLE OR NOT?
I AM. YOU'RE NOT.
DARN.
NO, GO AHEAD. SEE FOR YOURSELF.
WE GOT AN EXCELLENT
SCORE. MMM-HMM.
AGREED ON JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.
ESPECIALLY THE SMUTTY QUESTIONS.
OH, HERE'S ONE WE DISAGREED ON.
"WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY?"
OH, JASON. WHAT?
I SAID "GARDENING," AND YOU
SAID "COLLECTING BASEBALL CARDS."
HOW CAN WE GO ON WITH
THIS RIFT IN OUR MARRIAGE?
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
WE'LL HAVE TO SELL THE
HOUSE AND DIVIDE THE KIDS.
YOU TAKE MIKE.
UH-OH, HERE'S ANOTHER
ONE YOU SCREWED UP.
"WHAT SIDE OF THE
BED DO YOU SLEEP ON?"
I SAID "THE LEFT" AND
YOU SAID "THE LEFT."
WELL, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU TAKE UP MOST OF THE
BED, AND I SLEEP ON WHAT'S LEFT.
OH, NO, HERE'S ANOTHER
ONE YOU BOTCHED UP.
JASON, YOU SHOULD
BE MORE CAREFUL.
"WOULD YOU EVER KEEP
ANYTHING FROM YOUR SPOUSE?"
WHAT DID I SAY?
YOU SAID "YES."
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.
WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'D
KEEP THINGS FROM ME?
THAT'S LIKE SAYING
THAT YOU'D LIE TO ME.
NO, NO, YOU'RE
TWISTING MY ANSWER.
THE QUESTION SIMPLY ASKS,
"WOULD YOU EVER KEEP
ANYTHING FROM YOUR SPOUSE?"
"ANYTHING" IS A BIG WORD.
IT MEANS ANYTHING.
WELL, THANKS FOR
CLEARING THAT UP.
NOW WILL YOU TELL
ME WHAT "LIAR" MEANS?
OH, COME ON, MAGGIE, WHAT ARE YOU
MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OF THIS FOR?
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
HONEST WITH YOU.
OH?
YES.
REMEMBER WHEN SOMEBODY TRIED
TO MIX CEMENT IN YOUR BLENDER?
I STEPPED FORWARD
RIGHT AWAY AND SAID,
"BEN DID IT."
JASON, YOU THINK THIS
IS FUNNY, DON'T YOU?
NO, HONEY, I'M JUST SAYING...
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I REMEMBER.
I REMEMBER THE MATTAPOISETT INN.
THE MATTA... YES, WHERE
WE HAD OUR HONEYMOON.
YES, NOW REMEMBER
THAT FIRST NIGHT,
AND REMEMBER IN FRONT OF
THE FIREPLACE WHEN WE SAT...
HONEY, I REMEMBER WHAT WE
DID IN FRONT OF THAT FIREPLACE.
REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID?
YES, I SAID, "LET'S
TRY THAT AGAIN,
WITHOUT THE ICE CUBES."
YOU ALSO SAID THAT TOTAL HONESTY
IS ESSENTIAL TO A
HAPPY MARRIAGE.
I SAID THAT AFTER
WE WERE MARRIED?
OK, OK. I SAID THAT. MMM-HMM.
BUT WE'RE MORE MATURE NOW.
SO, NOW WE LIE LIKE RUGS.
NO, I'M ONLY SAYING THAT
THERE ARE SOME THINGS
THAT I MIGHT NOT VOLUNTEER.
WELL, LIKE WHAT THINGS?
GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
AN EXAMPLE? UH-HUH.
2 TRAINS, TRAVELING FROM
OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS...
JASON. TRAIN A MOVING
85 MILES AN HOUR...
I MEANT AN EXAMPLE
FROM OUR LIVES.
WELL, YOU DIDN'T LET ME
FINISH. WE WERE ON TRAIN B.
DAMN IT, BE SERIOUS.
OH, YOU WANT A SERIOUS EXAMPLE?
YES.
OK.
HERE'S SOMETHING
I DIDN'T TELL YOU
BECAUSE I THOUGHT
IT MIGHT UPSET YOU.
I WILL NOT BE UPSET.
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO I
RAN INTO ALISON VAN DYKE
AT THE DRY CLEANER'S.
YOUR OLD GIRLFRIEND?
THAT'S THE ONE.
HOW NICE.
NOW, WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT
TO TELL ME YOU RAN INTO ALISON?
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I
THOUGHT YOU'D... BE UPSET?
NONSENSE. DOES SHE
STILL STRIP FOR MONEY?
MAGGIE, SHE'S AN ARTIST'S MODEL.
AND WHAT DOES SHE HAVE
TO DRY-CLEAN, ANYWAY?
YOU'D THINK THEY COULD JUST
HOSE HER DOWN ONCE A WEEK.
SEE, THIS IS EXACTLY WHY
I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I'M
NOT UPSET THAT YOU SAW HER.
I'M UPSET THAT
YOU HID IT FROM ME.
SO, WHAT DID YOU AND
THE NUDIST TALK ABOUT?
SEE, I KNEW I THAT I
SHOULD'VE KEPT THIS TO MYSELF.
RIGHT!
THAT AND ALL YOUR OTHER
SQUALID, LITTLE SECRETS.
WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME. I'M
OFF TO DO A LITTLE JOGGING, JASON.
WELL, I GUESS THAT MEANS
NO NUMBER 37 TONIGHT.
I'M TIRED. I'M
HUNGRY. I'M BORED.
I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
I'M SICK OF THIS. I'M SICK OF YOU.
AH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT! TELL ME
MORE. TELL ME WHAT YOU HATE.
I HATE EVERYTHING.
I HATE THIS HOUSE.
I HATE THIS RUG, THIS
SOFA CUSHION, THIS TABLE.
I HATE HIS PAJAMAS.
WHAT'S WITH HIM?
HE'S GOING FOR A
RECORD IN COMPLAINING.
HE HAS TO COMPLAIN
FOR 62 STRAIGHT HOURS.
SO FAR, HE'S GOT 2
STRAIGHT MINUTES.
I HATE MINUTES. I
HATE STOPWATCHES.
I HATE YOUR FACE.
OH, I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING
TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.
I HATE GETTING BEAT UP
BY PEOPLE BIGGER THAN ME.
I HATE PAIN.
UH, BEN,
LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND FIND
SOMETHING FOR YOU TO HATE.
I HATE STAIRS.
I HATE THIS CLOCK, AND I
HATE THESE CANDLES AND...
HI, MIKE. READY FOR
THE FIRST CLASS?
OH, LYNDA, LOOK, I SAID I'D MEET
YOU DOWN AT THE KARATE PLACE.
OH, I KNOW. I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE
MORE FUN IF WE WALKED TOGETHER.
OH, UM...
WAS I WRONG? NO, NO.
IT IS OK THAT I'M
HERE, ISN'T IT?
YEAH, YEAH. LOOK, WHY DON'T I
GIVE YOU A TOUR OF THE HOUSE.
UH, T-THIS IS THE
HALL CLOSET HERE.
HEY, DAD. HI, MIKE.
YOUR MOTHER COME
BACK FROM HER JOG YET?
NO, NOT YET.
I THOUGHT I HEARD HER VOICE.
NO, DAD, THAT WASN'T HER.
HEY, MIKE, YOU
KNOW, THERE'S NO USE
IN YOU AND I DISCUSSING
THIS KARATE THING ANYMORE,
UNLESS YOU'RE GONNA
BE STRAIGHT WITH ME.
NOW, I STILL THINK THERE'S
A GIRL IN THIS CLASS.
NO WAY, DAD.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, MAYBE
THERE IS ONE GIRL.
BUT WE'RE TALKING FLEA
COLLARS AND MILK BONES.
THIS GIRL IS THE ELEPHANT GIRL.
NICE TO MEET YOU, MR. SEAVER.
YOU THOUGHT DEBBIE
DIZOMBA WAS AN ANIMAL.
HI.
HI.
OH, DON'T LET ME DISTURB YOU. I JUST
THINK I LEFT MY GLASSES IN HERE SOMEWHERE.
SO YOU DID.
OH.
THANKS.
DON'T MENTION IT.
WELL, THAT'S ALL I WANTED. I
WON'T BOTHER YOU ANY MORE.
IT'S NO BOTHER.
IN FACT, I HAVE A FREE HOUR IF
THERE'S ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE TO DISCUSS,
MRS. SEAVER.
WELL, DOCTOR,
THERE IS SOMETHING TROUBLING ME.
I KNEW IT.
I'M A PSYCHIATRIST. I
SENSE THESE THINGS.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT
DOWN AND TELL ME ABOUT IT?
IT'S MY HUSBAND.
WHAT ABOUT HIM?
HE'S IMPOSSIBLE.
I MEAN, I LOVE HIM, AND HE'S A
GREAT FATHER, BUT SOMETIMES...
DOES HE BEAT YOU?
NO.
DRINK TO EXCESS?
SCRATCH HIMSELF IN PUBLIC?
NO.
THEN WHY IS HE SO IMPOSSIBLE?
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
BELIEVE IN TOTAL HONESTY.
MRS. SEAVER, ARE YOU BEING
TOTALLY HONEST WITH ME NOW?
YES.
WELL, THERE'S ONE
SURE WAY TO FIND OUT.
OH.
HYPNOSIS.
HYPNOSIS?
YOU JUST KEEP YOUR EYE ON
THE HYPNOTIC TRANCE INDUCER.
VERY IMPRESSIVE.
NOW MAY I SEE YOU
DO WALK THE DOG.
NOT FOR THESE
PRICES, MRS. SEAVER.
NOW YOU'RE GETTING TIRED.
YOU CAN BARELY
KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.
YOU'RE OUT.
WORKS EVERY TIME.
SO, MRS. SEAVER, YOU ARE
NOW INCAPABLE OF TELLING A LIE.
AND EVERYTHING YOU SAY WILL BE
THE COMPLETE AND ABSOLUTE TRUTH.
YOU UNDERSTAND? YES, DOCTOR.
ALL RIGHT. WE'LL START
WITH A SIMPLE TEST QUESTION.
WHAT DO YOU REALLY THINK OF
YOUR HUSBAND'S RED PLAID BLAZER?
HIS RED PLAID BLAZER? MMM-HMM.
WELL, I THINK THAT IT REALLY
BRINGS OUT THE COLOR OF HIS
GUMS.
THE WHOLE TRUTH, MRS. SEAVER.
I THINK IT'S THE UGLIEST THING
I'VE SEEN SINCE CAROL'S SNAKE
GOT CAUGHT IN THE DISHWASHER.
GOOD. NOW WE'RE
GETTING SOMEWHERE.
AND THAT AWFUL
TIE HE WEARS WITH IT.
MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE A THRIFT
SHOP BLEW UP IN HIS FACE.
I ONLY ASKED ABOUT THE BLAZER.
JUST BEING HONEST.
WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS.
I HAVE ONE MORE QUESTION
FOR YOU, MRS. SEAVER.
BY ANY CHANCE, AT LAST
YEAR'S CHRISTMAS PARTY,
DID MARTY BRANDT
MAKE A PASS AT YOU?
WELL, HOW DID YOU KNOW... WELL,
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW I FOUND OUT.
DID HE MAKE A PASS
AT YOU, OR NOT?
WELL, Y-YES.
BUT IT WAS NOTHING. I
WOULDN'T EVEN CALL IT A PASS.
HE ASKED YOU TO
GO TO TAHITI WITH HIM.
JUST FOR THE WEEKEND.
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
I MEAN, DOESN'T A HUSBAND
HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW,
WHEN HIS WIFE IS PROPOSITIONED?
JASON, I DIDN'T THINK THERE
WAS ANY POINT IN MENTIONING IT.
I MEAN, HONEY, I DIDN'T WANT TO
RUIN YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH MARTY.
BESIDES, MARTY'D HAD
TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
HE DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT HE WAS DOING.
OH, I KNOW.
BECAUSE AS SOON AS YOU TURNED
HIM DOWN, HE STAGGERED OVER TO ME,
AND BLABBED THE
WHOLE SORDID STORY.
MARTY TOLD YOU?
MMM-HMM, HE CONFESSED.
THEN HE BROKE INTO TEARS AND
TRIED TO BLOW HIS NOSE ON MY TIE.
THE ONE I WEAR WITH
MY RED PLAID BLAZER.
JASON, I'M SORRY.
I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.
MAYBE.
OR MAYBE YOU REALIZED THAT TELLING
ME WOULDN'T DO ANYBODY ANY GOOD,
SO YOU KEPT IT TO YOURSELF.
I ADMIRE YOU FOR THAT.
REALLY? MMM-HMM.
AND I'M SURE IF MARTY
HAD BEEN SOBER,
YOU WOULD HAVE
TOLD ME EVERYTHING.
AS SOON AS YOU GOT
BACK FROM TAHITI.
AND I'M SURE YOU WOULD HAVE
TOLD ME IF ALISON HAD BEEN
NUDE.
RIGHT AFTER WE GOT
BACK FROM TAHITI.
JASON.
I MEAN, DR. SEAVER. THANK YOU.
YOU'VE BEEN VERY HELPFUL. YES.
WELL, IT HAS BEEN A MOST
PRODUCTIVE SESSION. MMM-HMM.
HOWEVER, THERE'S ONE OTHER
THING I'D LIKE TO TRY WITH YOU.
OH.
SOMETHING I'VE NEVER
TRIED BEFORE WITH A PATIENT.
WHAT'S THAT?
NUMBER 42.
DOCTOR.
THERE IS NO USE RESISTING.
YOU'RE UNDER HYPNOSIS.
MMM, WHO'S RESISTING?
WHEN THOSE WORLD RECORD
PEOPLE GET THIS LETTER,
WE'LL BE IN THAT NEXT
EDITION FOR SURE.
AH, SO, WHAT RECORD
DID YOU GUYS BREAK?
MOST FAILED ATTEMPTS
TRYING TO GET INTO
THE WORLD RECORD
BOOK IN ONE DAY.
AND THEY SAID IT
COULDN'T BE DONE.
MOM, DAD, CAN I
TAKE MODERN DANCE?