Greek (2007–2011): Season 4, Episode 8 - Subclass Plagiostomi - full transcript

That goat should have been ours.
Mark my words,

you KTs are gonna pay for that.

I know something good happened
to me last night.

He's my little brother.

You can't go messing with
him unless you're sure.

Are you really
into that professor guy,

or is there someone else
that you have feelings for?

Yes, I am really into Simon.

So there's nothing
happening between us.

I wanna show
the girl who claims

she doesn't believe in love
how much she means to me.



Your instincts are telling you

that you deserve better, and you do.

Do you love the law and
law school more than me?

I have enough pressure in my life as it is.

And if you can't deal, that's your problem.

I deserve better. Even Casey thinks so.

Where do you get off telling
Rebecca to break up with me?

Just watch your back in law school,

'cause now the gloves are off.

Ultimately, it's a question
of responsibility.

The fundamental issue

underlying all contributory negligence.
But how so?

Was a person injured by his own actions...?

Or is there another party who
should be held responsible



for his or her part in what happened?

Interesting. We'll start there next time.

I'd like to remind everyone that
Mock Trial begins this week,

and I will be selecting

my new research assistant from the winners.

So there's your carrot. Now, our case.

Imagine this: A pharmaceutical company,

let's call it Evil Corp, wants
to donate a boatload of money

to a hypothetical university,
we'll call that H.U.,

for campus expansion. Only problem,

there's a tiny mom-and-pop puppy
shop holding on for dear life

right where the university wants to expand.

Sucks for the puppies.

Thank you for that lovely insight,
Mr. Chambers.

Who wants to represent mom-and-pop?

Ah! Big surprise.
We'll be working in teams of two,

so who wants to pair with Ms. Cartwright?

- Katherine.
- I'm in. As an MBA,

I'm gonna spend my life pandering
to large conglomerates.

This will be a nice palate cleanser for me.

And who wants to go up
against this formidable duo,

defending Evil Corp?

- Mr. Chambers. - What the hell.
Everyone needs a lawyer, right?

Except when you're

representing yourself in
an acrimonious divorce.

You son of a bitch.

- Looks like I need a new partner.
- Really!

OK. Good to see the competitive
spirit is alive and well.

May the best team win.

Don't talk to me.

Hey. Are we OK?

What happened with Rebecca,
that's personal.

We shouldn't let it affect law school.

- This is professional, right?
- Oh, it's totally personal.

Hear ye, brethren!

Your faithful pledge chair
has been hard at work,

preparing for CRU's annual
Pledge Talent Show.

Normally, we'd be rehearsing KT's original

A Funny Thing Happened on the
Way to Brokeback Mountain.

Such a classic.

But since we're faced with
a pledge class of one,

well, without further ado,
I give you Pledge Spidey!

Whoa!

I didn't look at myself
probably until college.

I don't even say the word to my ob-gyn.

The Vagina Monologues!
Who knew they could talk?

- Hey, guys.
- Speaking of...

Just doin' the rounds.
New scholarship chairs

- of Panhellenic and IFC, respectively.
- Or respect-less-ly.

So, super bummed to tell you

that KT is officially
on academic probation.

Uh, officially not possible.

Really? Because it looks like
your brother, Joshua Whopper,

is flunking everything. Straight F's.
Which one is he again?

- He's a blonde, short...
- Dark-haired, tall...

Asian in the basement.

Well, unless Josh gets his
academic ass in gear,

KT is not long for this world.
Or Greek Row.

How could Joshua Whopper fail?

First our rush party, then
our fake philanthropy

- and now Joshua Whopper?
- These aren't just pranks.

Omega Chi is officially out to destroy us.

Josh Whopper has gone from
practically all A's to all F's.

Just change them back, Spitter.

Even if I could figure out a way to get in,

IFC would know we messed with the system.

If it's hard for you to figure out,

how did the dim-witted
preppies at Omega Chi do it?

Maybe their new, non-dim-witted,
non-preppy pledge

- helped them out.
- Dale? Come on.

He wouldn't do something that
could shut down our house.

- He's my best friend.
- Your best friend who started U-SAG.

And Trip's his big brother.

Did you ever tell Daley about
our academic support system?

OK, I did, but I never
thought he would go Greek.

This hurts me as much as it hurts you.

Daley won't even do book club anymore.

Even after I shared my erotic
fixation on the Bronte sisters.

Let's just face it,

he's officially a full-on
Omega Chi world dominatrix.

- I'll talk to him.
- Good idea.

I'm supposed to go to this job
fair thing with Ashleigh.

Oh, tell her I said hi.

- Isn't she your roommate?
- She hasn't been around much,

she's been spending time with Mr.
Tall, Dark and Stupid.

Anyways, I was gonna go

contemplate my future
or some such nonsense,

but this seems way more important.

Go to the job fair. Plan your future.
This one's on me.

Um, Rebecca?

Do you maybe wanna maybe
back away from the fireplace

and come help with the Pledge Talent Show?

Teach them the dance, get them ready.
I'm president.

I do final touches only.

Ok.

- Ex-boyfriend bonfire?
- Incredibly therapeutic.

I can't believe I ever fell for
Evan's "Open your heart up" Crap.

He's the last person

I should be taking advice
from on how to be happy.

Well, he's anything but happy.

And apparently, he's
taking it all out on me.

I'm going up against him in Mock Trial.

Please kick his ass.

Uh, that can't be good for the environment.

He made me a playlist once.

I don't want a single reminder
of what an idiot I was.

You're not an idiot.

And Evan's not a horrible person.

Oh, please. You're the one who
told me to break up with him.

That was girlfriend bathroom advice!

Why is everyone pinning this on me?

All I'm saying is that Evan
has good qualities, too.

If he didn't, you wouldn't have
been with him in the first place.

You can keep telling yourself

that Evan's basically a
good guy underneath,

but don't be surprised if
you get your ass burned.

Hey, um, thanks for coming with.

I know things have been
kind of weird between us,

but now we have time to bond.
You can make nice

with your once-again girlfriend's
once-again best friend.

Absolutely. And if I end up
with a job, too, so be it.

Did you just say the "J-word"?

Just look at this place.
It's like the food court of futures!

Yeah, and they suck you in
with those free luggage tags.

Which imply that you have luggage,
and that you're going places.

Which I better be soon,

'cause I can't sleep on
Rusty's futon forever.

- Oh, he says hi, by the way.
- Oh... Hi.

Anyway, there's also the matter
of the $300 Dobler's bill

from Calvin's birthday with my name on it.

Actually, your name is on it, too.

Right, and if one of these fine
firms takes a shine to me,

I may actually be able
to pay you back one day.

- Cool.
- Oh, my God!

The CIA! How high of a pay grade

do you think you need to
have a license to kill?

- You're good, right?
- Yeah.

Ok...

- 'Sup, girlfriend?
- Professor Clarissa!

Just Clarissa, gal pal.
You graduated. We're peeps now.

So, how's my former star student?

- In the market for a marketing job?
- Actually, yeah.

- Do you know anyone who's hiring?
- Me!

I've started my own firm.

I'm the missing link between
stodgy corporations

and the untapped youth
market here in Cyprus.

And I'm doing it all through mobisodes.
Check it out.

Hey, Cheesarito Man.

You wanna go to an underground rave?

- Totally. Which way?
- Follow me.

You never know what'll happen next.

Rock on! This is so college!

- Huh. It's catchy.
- We need to work on content.

But I'd love to have you on board.

Whaddaya say, home-skillet?

Let's have a latte tomorrow to discuss.

- OK. You buying?
- Absolument. Four pm.

- See you at the E-Farm.
- Cool.

Yeah, and I'm being
recruited by Heidi Klum.

- Sir?
- Oh.

I think you left this at our table.

Thank you for your interest in the Company.

We'll be in touch.

- Oh, my God!
- I know!

I am so the next Jason Bourne.
I love this job fair.

Why did I never come here before?

Whoa...

Hey. Dale's been in there for half an hour.

Oh! No, he's not doing that.
I've been listening at the door.

A blow dryer was involved.

Why don't you just tell me what you know?

No, I got nothing. Even if I did,

my relationship with the
house is great right now.

I'm not going behind their backs again.

Hey, Rus. Brother Owens.

If you're trying to get him

to spill details about
our Pledge Talent Show,

- he's in the dark.
- No, actually,

I wanted to talk to you
about something else.

Did Trip ask you to mess with
KT's academic booster seat?

You mean Joshua Whopper?

Did you guys finally get caught with that?

Real men study for their grades.

Do real men mess with their friends

just to get in with a bunch
of dim-witted preppies?

Stop thinking that I have to do
stuff to get in with these guys.

- Back me up here, Cal.
- He's right. You have no proof.

They're doing things for me.

Trip gave me his ex-girlfriend.
That's right,

there's a new Mrs. K candidate.
What have you done for me lately?

Hi, Daley! Super excited for tonight.

Shouldn't you be studying?

Don't you just wanna put
her in your pocket?

Bye, guys.

Dale's dating Natalie,

who just happened to bust
us with Trip earlier?

Do you have a copy of Berman v. Parker?

Are you... Are you asking me for help?

I thought you were hating on me.
Personally and professionally.

Well, I'm just trying to

get through all this
material, but forget it.

It's in our casebook, in
one of the appendices.

Thanks.

- You OK?
- Yeah. I'm just a little bit, uh,

- distracted.
- What's going on?

Nothing you have to worry about.

Go prep your side. This isn't your problem.

Oh, come on, I am a House Mother.

It can't be any worse than Madison's shame

over her hairy toes.

All right, fine.

The truth is, I miss Rebecca, like, a lot.

- Oh, Evan.
- No, I know. It's all I can think about,

and I really don't have the time.

Because I've gotta defend,
like, five different things.

I don't even know where to start.

Well, if you need a place to start,
like, a tiny leg up, um...

It turns out that Pop of Mom-and-Pop

Puppy Shop put up a sign
attacking Evil Corp.

"Big Pharma Kills," That kind of thing.

And the university made him take it down.

Really? I didn't know
anything about a sign.

We got the information when
we interviewed our client.

OK. So you guys are going for
the First Amendment angle?

Well, it's, uh, one option.

- So about Rebecca...
- Yeah, uh...

God, you're so easy.

- You faked me out?
- Yeah...

- With the sympathy card?
- I said gloves are off.

I'll see you in court, counselor.

Oh!

Hey. What was the emergency?

Walter and I were rather
indisposed when you called.

- Yeah, I got that.
- Did you know the G-spot

is not, in fact, a myth created

to perpetuate a patriarchal
need for male genitalia,

but rather it's a pleasure
dome of unexplored adventure?

So, um, you're in a good mood?

That's great, because, um,

we have to abandon our
First Amendment argument

and come up with a new
strategy for the case.

Um, why? The First Amendment angle

was the only sexy thing about our case.
It was our G-spot.

If you will.

Well, I may have let it slip to Evan

that that is the argument we'd be using.

Casey, I'm quite aware that not all

individuals are members of
the subclass Plagiostomi.

Sharks. I know you don't

have the shark gene, Casey, which is fine.

- Most of the time.
- No, I have... I can be a shark!

I just thought I was helping
my former good friend

who seemed to be in bad shape.

OK, see, a shark would not do that.

Having sensed Evan's weakened state,

a shark would just...
tear him limb from limb.

God, I'm... I'm sorry, Katherine.

- I really screwed up.
- It's OK.

We just have a lot of work to do.

Mmm! Thanks for the Pop-Tarts, Rus.

Of course, nothing compares
to your home-cooking, Dale.

Flattery will get you nowhere.

All right. I gotta go to
Pledge Talent Show practice.

Make sure you barnyard animals
clean up your detritus.

Hey, Dale. Have a nice day.

Yeah, hey, see you around, Dale!

- Take care!
- All right.

OK, so, what's...?

All right. No fingerprints, so gloves on.

Damn it! Never mind. Let's just go.

- What am I looking for?
- Evidence.

Something to prove Dale is
behind the plot to take down KT.

Or advance info.
If outing Whopper was step three,

what are four and five?

We need to prepare to
fend off the next attack.

Well, there's this.

Dale's Omega Chi pledge book.

Holy serial killer.

"J.P., allergic to peppers,
both red and green,

- but strangely fine with jalapenos."
- That is so scary.

Except I know that Cappie hates
all mushrooms except portabellas.

I'm also a recent fan of shitakes.

Look at this.

"Omega Chi/Gamma Psi Winter Formal"?

"Make 100 copies." Yeah, tell me about it.

They could of just scanned
it and emailed it.

No, Omega Chi always does
their Winter Formal with ZBZ.

Now they're doing it with Gamma Psi?

Looks like Omega Chi's not
just out to destroy KT.

They're also trying to screw over ZBZ.

Oh, my God. This could go all
the way to the White House.

- Huh?
- It's big.

You know, um, Clarissa Hawn,

right? I'm sure you've seen her around.

- Professor Land?
- Ah, yes, Professor Land,

where we smoke pipes and wear

tweed and discuss the
existential issues of the day.

Existential. Right.

Anyway, she has this great idea,
marketing to college students,

but she's just going about it all wrong.

I mean, who's been to a rave since 1994?

Well, if she doesn't know what she's doing,

then don't worry about it.

Doesn't seem right for you. Ah!

Uh, sugar-free, non-fat,
iced-blended, well-blended.

- Yeah. Thanks.
- You. Yeah.

I can't rely afford to buy
myself fancy coffee right now.

I know. And that's why I also,

- uh, paid your Dobler's bill.
- What? That was like $300.

Well, I have the cash, and I
like to help you. So let me.

Wow. OK. Thank you.

Good. Now that that's settled,
there's something else.

There is a donor dinner tomorrow
night at Prospect House.

In Professor Land?

A bunch of bigwig alums, one of whom

is interested in hiring
me for my legal services.

- OK.
- I'd, uh, love to have you on my arm.

Wow. That sounds awesome.

Very grown up, serious.

I'm not sure I have anything
grown-up, serious to wear.

- Well, take my credit card.
- No, that's not what I meant.

Look, I know. I just...

It makes me happy to see you happy. So...

just take it.

Hey. What's up, Rebecca?

If you're looking for
Casey, she's not here.

Actually, I need to talk to you.

There's probably no way
to actually destroy it.

It is a diamond, after all,

the hardest substance found in nature.

Even harder than Evan's heart.

I don't wanna make things worse, but, uh...

I'll just actually take...

take that from you and put it over here.

Uh, Omega Chi

is gonna do their Winter
Formal with Gamma Psi.

Are you frickin' kidding me?
This has to be Evan.

He's pissed about our breakup,

and he's using his fraternity
to get back at me.

I think it's bigger than that.

They're already trying
to take Kappa Tau down.

I think your house is next,

and they're replacing you with Gamma Psi.

They've even got Dale dating Natalie.

That little munchkin slept
with a judge to win Song Fest.

She's not gonna win this.
I'm gonna nip her in the bud.

This is Rebecca Logan's ZBZ.

You better watch out.

Because we are so ready, we're
like 22-year-old virgins.

- And having been one, I should know.
- Yes. Well, us, too.

I mean about the case.
I mean, 'cause Jan wasn't my first.

- I mean, that's... What'd she tell you?
- Everything.

- Hello, Jan. - I'm glad to hear
you're all chomping at the bit.

Mock Trial begins tomorrow.

You all ready to argue your asses off?

- Absolutely.
- Yes.

Good. Then how 'bout this?

Your teams will now switch sides.

- What? - Casey and Katherine
will argue on behalf of Evil Corp.

Evan and Jim for Mom and Pop Puppy Shop.

But I would never defend Evil Corp.

Watch what you say, Ms.
Cartwright, especially when

- potential employers are listening.
- But...

The law is an objective profession.

My job is to strip away lifetime
of unexamined bias and morality.

- But... - I think we should start
with the corporate legalities.

Why are you not freaking out?

Not only are we defending the devil,

but we are completely unprepared.

I told Evan about the
First Amendment angle.

That's what he's going to use
now that we've switched sides!

So we know exactly which
argument to prepare for.

But we spent all day preparing
for eminent domain.

- We are totally screwed!
- Get it together, woman!

You just... You just slapped me.

I didn't know what else to do.

But if you just follow my lead
and do exactly what I say,

we can do this, Casey.

Buying a dress for my grown up,
serious date is way more fun

than meeting with crazy Clarissa.

So I rescheduled, I told her I
needed emergency dental surgery.

Psychological manipulation

combined with victim playing. Nicely done.

Ooh! And all rise.

Does this say "Shark" To you?

- Werewolf, actually.
- OK.

That's a little too grown up, serious.

Well, I want Simon's
colleagues to respect me.

I think you can do that without
looking like a Republican.

And, oh, my God, I'm giving you
advice on dating my professor.

Well, I'm sorry that that's
still weird for you.

Well, as long as you continue to

make him very happy until
the end of the semester,

- I can't complain.
- So you're whoring me out?

Kinda.

Speaking of whores,

I feel like one having
to argue for Evil Corp.

Yeah, but look at you.
You're a pretty, classy whore.

- OK.
- Oh! Very nice.

Very Democratic.

There's just no way the
university can accept money

from a corporation without
feeling beholden to them.

It affects its behavior, its decisions.

Well, not necessarily.
I mean, it's possible for the university

to accept a very generous donation
and still keep its integrity.

Please. It's a transaction.

You give money, you expect
something in return.

But maybe the corporation really does have

the university's best interests at heart.

Maybe this expansion is

the best thing that's
ever happened to them.

Oh. Sure.

Life is just so much easier with money.

And someone giving you that money
is the easiest way to get it.

Rebecca. What brings you
to the new Gamma Psi?

Hey, Nat, wanna see the new tail wiggle?

Oh! So bad! Just gimme a sec.

Love what you've done with the place.

The future of sororities.
Wireless everything,

surround sound in the ceiling.

Nice.

If you're into that Thai bathhouse vibe.

You here to get intel on our
skit for the Pledge Talent Show?

Please, your portly pledges
do the same thing every year.

Brownies!

You better tell them to lay off the carbs

if you wanna impress Omega Chi.

They might be into munchkins,

but they're definitely
not into Oompa-Loompas.

That's right. I know all about
you snaking our Winter Formal.

Super bummed we stole the number
one fraternity from you girls?

Maybe you can have your Winter

Formal with the Tri Pis.
You were a lesbian once, right?

What good is a Winter Formal

with Omega Chi if you have to go with Dale?

- He won't be an Omega Chi by then.
- Excuse me?

I've said too much already.

You better tell me what's going on.

All this new electrical work
can be extremely flammable.

I burned your house down
once, I'll do it again.

I would like to call Mr.
Edgar Schmock, CEO of Evil Corp.

Which is, in fact, not evil,

but is as un-evil as a corporation can get.

- So Mr. Schmock...
- I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth. So help me God.

We're not really doing that,

but thanks to the drama
club for its participation.

So Mr. Schmock, can you tell us,

when you gave your very
charitable donation to H.U.,

did you place any demands or
restrictions on the university?

- No. - No limits on the research
the university might do,

including research into your own,

sometimes controversial, products?

Absolutely not! Did that sound too arch?

It's tough to know the line.
The back story I invented...

OK, So Mr.
Schmock, you would say then, to me,

that there were no strings

placed on this money, wouldn't you?

Well, of course there are gonna be strings.

I mean, yeah, I'm gonna
wanna have some influence.

No, OK, you're supposed to say no.

Except I'm saying yes.

- So say no.
- I say yes!

- No!
- Yes!

- No! No!
- Yes! Yes!

- Liar!
- Yes!

Objection! Badgering the witness.

That's your own team.

- Well, don't you wanna object?
- Do you wanna object?

- I'm fine.
- I'm also fine.

- We're good.
- Moving on. OK, just moving on.

Move on. Move on.
Except I wanna go back to the first one,

'cause you didn't answer it quite
the way I thought you were...

- Can we have a moment?
- I think you probably should.

OK, Casey, it is all about preparation.

And my entire preparation for
the examination of this witness

depended on him answering one way,

but he's saying exactly the opposite.

But this is what you have to
do if you want to be a lawyer.

You do want to be a lawyer, don't you?

I want to be a CEO.

I want to relax in my cushy,

little corner office with my
feetsies hanging over my desk

while I try to convince

myself I'm this generation's
Melanie Griffith,

despite my clear resemblance
to Sigourney Weaver due to our

- extreme stature and height.
- OK!

Don't slap me!

Are they talking about Sigourney Weaver?

I don't know. I don't get it.

- This is a disaster.
- You have to take over.

Casey, you have to do this.

Miss Cartwright?

So, what do you think?
The coconuts are itchy,

but these cantaloupes are kinda huge.

I gotta go with the coconuts.

- Cantaloupes are out of season anyway.
- Nice melons.

Uh, I was just upstairs
with Heath studying.

I mean, I guess that's all I
can do for you at this point.

Thanks, I guess. Without the Whopper,

who knows if it'll ever be enough.

- Never trust little people!
- What did you find out?

Is it Omega Chi screwing us over?

I have no idea, but they're
definitely messing with Dale.

What are you talking about?

His bid, his being a pledge?
It's all a lie.

Trip and your brothers are hazing him hard,

humiliating him any way possible

to get back at you for spring break.

They were never gonna initiate him.

This is what I was afraid of all along.

And that gnome is in on it.
She pretends to date Dale,

in exchange, Gamma Psi gets its
Winter Formal with Omega Chi.

I had no idea about any of this, I swear.

Now, Dale's gonna go embarrass
himself at the Pledge Talent Show.

Natalie doesn't know how, or
what the Omega Chis are doing,

but Trip told her it'll be huge.
Like her ass!

We have to do something.

Are you just gonna stand
by while your brothers

go behind your back and
humiliate Dale like this?

I'm ready for the Talent Show.
You guys coming?

Let's go save Dale.

Where the hell is the water fountain?

There's always a water
fountain in the movies!

- Take a deep breath, counselor.
- Screw you.

I'm going back in there,
and I'm gonna kill.

I'm gonna argue for something
I don't believe in,

and beat up some poor old man

who owns a puppy shop.
Because I am a plagio...

- I am a shark!
- Yeah. Keep telling yourself that.

Of course it's easy for you,

who seems to have lost
all sense of loyalty.

I can't believe what law
school's done to you.

It's more like what Casey
Cartwright's done to me.

Rebecca is the one who broke up with you.

I don't know why you're so pissed at me.

Because you took it all away!
Look, I couldn't have you,

then you made it so I
couldn't have Rebecca.

And I'm not even supposed
to be a little pissed?

I didn't take those things from you, Evan.
You made choices.

But don't you ever think about it?

What if?

Four years ago,

I thought we'd be in law
school together as a couple.

That was a long time ago.

But what if we were
supposed to be together?

What if, all along,

it was supposed to be you and me?

Of course I've thought about it.

I don't know.

Maybe I am making a big
mistake with Cappie.

Oh! You're so easy.

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice,

I don't have any business being a lawyer.

Nice try, counselor.

- Hey! Dale!
- You cannot go out there.

Please, a performer prepares.
I need my space.

Trip and some of those guys,
they're screwing with you!

- Uh, yeah, it's called hazing.
- No, it's more than that.

They want you to drop out, but
not before they've had a chance

to humiliate you as much as possible.

How do you know that?

Natalie told Rebecca,

who is the world's weirdest Dale defender,

but I still believer her.

I'm sorry. I had no idea.
I'm embarrassed for the house.

I don't believe it.
You proved yourself a traitor anyway.

And you can't handle that I'm an Omega Chi.
You're jealous.

Dale, come on.
We can't do the show without you.

I'm going with my brothers.

Oh...

What's that about?

OK, come on, let's do this.

Tell me, why do you want
to work for the CIA?

They just come out and ask that?

It's kind of interview question 101.

Then they're gonna ask what your
three greatest weaknesses are,

and you'll tell them that you
care too much, work too hard

and that you do too good
of a job on most things.

Those are my weaknesses.

Hey, did you get together with Clarissa?

No. Simon says not to worry about that.

Did you know that he has
a house on Nantucket?

Simon says the summers there are amazing.

Wow. That's, uh...

- He has a daughter.
- I know. What's wrong with that?

It's instant family.

I could totally see myself
as a professor's wife,

hosting cocktail parties
for Sy's proteges. Oh!

We could have a wedding on the beach.

It'd be like a Taylor Swift song.

Totally. And what does Simon
say about what Ashleigh says?

Won't it be a hard commute from
Nantucket to your marketing job?

Maybe I won't be working.

Maybe I'll just have a bunch of babies.

And then I'll hire an au pair
to do all the hard parts.

If that's what you want. But is he the guy

you're willing to give up everything for?

Or are you just making him
that guy because it's easy,

and everything else right now seems hard?

Simon's great.

He bought me a dress, he
paid that Dobler's bill,

- invited me to this dinner.
- I know.

I just wanna make sure

what he wants in return is
what Ashleigh wants, too.

And court is now in session.

Isn't it true that Mom-and-Pop

Puppies has been losing money for years?

You can't put a monetary value on
the pleasures our puppies give.

Get him, Casey!

Which explains why you've
had to file for bankruptcy

on several occasions.

Isn't it also true that your
building is falling apart,

mired with housing violations?

We have had to do a lot of repairs, but...

So it's really a miracle, don't you think,

that H.U. offered as much
as they did to buy you out?

- I suppose it was a generous offer.
- Very generous.

Especially since your building
is considered an eyesore

and a blight on the community.

- I built that store myself.
- Can't you at least admit

that Mom-and-Pop is more of a
puppy mill than a puppy store?

I love those animals, every one...

I think it's time that you
take responsibility, Pop,

and stop hiding behind these
tortured, innocent animals!

No further questions.

I'll mop up the blood for ya.

- I'm just doing my job.
- But when I do it,

I'm just an ass who's lost his way?

- I call Casey Cartwright.
- She's not on the witness list.

But there's been a new development
that needs to come to light.

Really? All right.

- Fair enough.
- This is gonna be awesome.

Ms. Cartwright, do you recall a
conversation you had with me

in the law lounge two nights ago?

- Don't do this.
- Answer the question, please.

- Yes.
- Isn't it true that you told me information

about a conversation you
had with your client,

a confidential conversation,

thereby breaching
attorney-client privilege,

not to mention revealing
strategy to opposing counsel?

Objection!

No, I can handle this.

Um, that is correct, Mr. Chambers.

Thanks, man.

What the hell?

- Gimme that.
- Come and get it!

Oh, my God, what a loser!

- What'd you say, bitch?
- Get off the stage!

Just go!

No! I'm gonna finish the song.

Is this what you want?

Is this what you call brotherhood?

Hey, guys, look at us!

*** wed for what you did. SOPHIE?

You'd definitely be removed from the case.

- I know, but I was just...
- There's not a lot of room

for sympathy in the legal profession.

Every case is a competition.

And if you wanna keep your
clients, you better wanna win.

- I do. Trust me. I really do.
- Then show me.

Here's your closing argument.

I may have made an error in judgment,

but the facts of this case remain the same.

It is possible to accept a
donation, and not sell your soul.

H.U. Has the ability to

resist feelings of obligation
towards its donors.

To pick and choose the money

it accepts would amount to discrimination,

and would lead to nothing more than less:

Less advancement, less growth.

And that benefits no one.

Mom-and-Pop may be a
casualty of that growth,

but every decision has consequences.

We're talking about the greater good.

As such, there is no slippery
slope with Evil Corp.

There is only opportunity.

That was awesome, Kettlewell.

So you've been messing
with me the whole time?

I can't believe you really thought
you could be an Omega Chi.

You're Rusty Cartwright's roommate.

Why do you think we bid
you in the first place?

So it was just an elaborate
scheme to get back at KT?

You out their rush party,
their philanthropy,

Joshua Whopper, and then fake haze me?

No idea about those first three, but yeah,

we've definitely been faking it with you.

Just like we got Natalie to.

For an engineering major,
you're pretty stupid.

- Get the hell out of here!
- Get out of here, loser!

I'd like to congratulate both teams.

You've had a taste of real
world stakes and tactics.

Of course, in the real world,
there's always a judgment,

so I rule for...

Evil Corp.

Despite the violation,

I believe that Ms.
Cartwright gave a great argument.

So thank you, all. Court is adjourned.

- Oh!
- Ms. Cartwright. Great work.

Well, feels a little hollow.

I said a lot of things I don't believe.

That's what'll make you a great lawyer.

By the way, that research position?
It's yours.

If you want it.

- You were amazing.
- Oh!

- So beyond.
- Thanks, guys.

Listen, I gotta bail because I
gotta go to that "Interview."

- Mmm. Sexy.
- Maybe later I'll give you an aptitude test.

OK, ew. I'm gonna go talk to Sy.

Oh, wait. But who am I
going to celebrate with?

OK, let me ask, maybe we can
grab a drink before dinner.

- OK.
- OK.

Congratulations. I'm sure the fact that

he's dating your best friend didn't hurt.

Unbelievable.

- Hey. That was so awesome!
- Hey.

Mmm! It was like Law and Order: CRU.

Well, it was nice to have you here.

It was nice to be here. So, um, listen,

Casey is really excited and
she wants to go celebrate,

and her boyfriend's got this
interview with the CIA, so

I was wondering if I could meet
you later at the donor dinner.

No.

Well, it's just, it's a really
important day for Casey.

It's an important night for me.
You said you'd be there.

Yeah, and I will. I'm sure

you can handle a cocktail hour on your own.

I don't want to.
Why do you think I bought you the dress?

- I'm sorry, what?
- I pay your Dobler's bill,

I buy you a dress, I expect you to show up.

- Because it's a transaction?
- No, Ashleigh...

There are things that we both
contribute to the relationship.

Oh, I get it. Like, you contribute money

and I have to live with the strings,

which are basically you
telling me where to be when.

I just... I was really
looking forward to tonight.

Why don't we just forget
this ever happened.

Wow.

The hidden cameras are so... hidden.

Or is there a miniature
recording device in that pen?

Don't worry. Once you're hired,

we tell you all about who shot JFK,

how we faked the moon landing

and what we're hiding in Area 51.

- Really?
- No.

- Oh.
- Just a little Company humor.

Ah.

You're an unusual candidate for the agency.

- Obviously, very bright.
- Yes, I am.

So, um, I assume you haven't spoken

to anyone about this opportunity?

Uh... no.

No one.

Except for my girlfriend.

But she's a lawyer, practically. So...

And her best friend, Ashleigh.

And the House...
But, I mean, we're a fraternity.

So we're really good at keeping secrets.

Except for Rusty, he told
Dale about Joshua Whopper.

But then again, I just told you, too.

Uh-oh.

But you don't even know what Joshua
Whopper is, so it doesn't...

- Yeah.
- I think we're done here.

Hey.

Well, I guess the whole school's
pretty much seen us naked now.

It's kinda nice to have it out of the way.

I can't believe I ever fell
for that fraternity crap.

Well, not all fraternities are crap.

Just some of the people in them.

Oh. Believing that is like
worshipping a false god.

No, brotherhood is real.

You realize that more when you're
coming close to losing it.

Considering how much trouble
our house is in right now.

We still don't know who's screwing with us.

I can't believe you
thought I would do that.

Well, you did try to shut down
the Greek system with U-SAG.

That's true.

- Going out?
- No.

Simon and I broke up.

But I'm keeping this dress.

- Wanna watch The Bachelor?
- No.

I can't stay up too late, though.

'Cause I'm meeting
Clarissa tomorrow at nine.

Time to be grown up, serious. For reals.