Greek (2007–2011): Season 4, Episode 5 - Home Coming and Going - full transcript
Cappie tries to impress Peter's dad and Calvin discovers Heath's secret.
Previously on Greek...
They pulled me off the project.
I lost my wire.
I can't apologize for being
confident in my abilities.
Being confident is one thing.
But disparaging my work?
It's like you have
no respect for me.
We broke up.
- I'm sorry.
- Hey, Ash?
Yeah?
Tonight's all about
pledge presents.
If it's ok with you,
I might skip tonight.
- Do you mind?
- Totally get it.
Will you be my date
for pledge presents?
And what about your boyfriend?
He can't be bothered
with a sorority party.
Not when there's a law school
study group to go to.
Why are you wearing
an Omega chi pledge pin?
Because I'm pledging Omega chi.
I know this is a 180 for me,
but that doesn't have
to be a bad thing, right?
Isn't that why you joined
kappa tau? To change?
I'd kill to be a kt.
Even if I wasn't a legacy.
Homecoming is
an epic kt tradition,
steeped in the ancient lore
of the mighty, beer-raining,
and yet,
dearly departed, vesuvius.
A moment of silence, please.
Last year, we mourned vesuvius
instead of throwing a party,
and guess what happened?
A&m knocked CRU out of the
top ten best party schools,
And dot-org's never lie.
But all is not lost.
Because this year, we will reclaim our throne
with a party so epic,
it'll defy belief.
A party so elevated,
it'll defy gravity.
A little party
I like to call...
Everest!
We will transform our house
into the biggest series
of ice luges...
Luges? Lugi? Lugie?
Ever constructed!
And by "we,"
I mean our pledges.
- Pledges!
- Yeah, cap?
Oh, right. Uh...
Sole pledge, spidey.
Tools are in the shed,
good luck!
Go on!
Meeting adjourned!
I am so glad to have my happy-go-lucky
spitter back. I missed him.
Losing Dana and the wire at once
sucked, but no wallowing.
And I'm pretty excited for spidey.
It's his first homecoming.
I'll bet the alumnis are
gonna be super impressed
when they see their old house
covered in ice, huh, cap?
Our alums possess neither the will nor
wherewithal to find their way back here.
Which is for the best, since no one
wants a bunch of old guys hanging out,
reliving their
lost kt glory days.
- Looks like kt never changes.
- Can we help you, sir?
- Guys, I've got this.
- No, you get back to work, pledge!
Everest isn't gonna
build itself.
And this what I'm spending
seven grand a month
on dues for, huh, kiddo?
- Kiddo?
- Guys, this is my dad, Lasker Parkes.
Take a break, pledge!
Welcome back to kt!
Thank you.
That's my boy!
- You having fun?
- Yeah!
Everybody good to you?
- Oh, gosh!
- Oh, sorry!
The only outlet's
next to your desk.
It's fine. I'm just
looking for my cell phone.
Hey! So, I can't believe
it's homecoming already.
- Crazy, right?
- I can't believe we're alumni.
It feels like
we just graduated.
I mean, I've been back
for five weeks,
- but it feels like five days.
- More like five seconds.
You sure it's ok, right?
Me staying here so long?
- Oh, it's fine.
- I know it's an imposition.
You are my best friend.
You can't be an imposition.
Ok. Who knew looking
for a job would take so long?
It happens so fast
in movie montages.
What happened with
the office temp job?
Uh, nothing. I can't even
get hired temporarily.
But I do have a second interview
for a marketing firm today.
I'm trying not
to get too excited.
Oh, no, you should be excited.
Who cares about a temp job
that was below you, anyway?
- Oh! Well, thank you, case.
- Yeah.
Hey, at least if I never get
hired for any job, like, ever,
- I'll always have you by my side.
- Oh!
Um, so...
Flat irons in the bathroom only.
New rule!
It's... fine.
Sorry, sorry.
As I'm sure you remember,
this is the game room,
where we...
Play games,
as the name might suggest.
You know, I think I was here
when we got this video game.
Is this where you came up
with Joshua whopper?
I... we all love him.
We're big fans.
Is that what made you
wanna be an inventor?
You know, I wouldn't call what my
company does "inventing," per se.
- It's more... tech development.
- Oh, um...
Well, have you "tech developed"
anything lately?
Ooh, have you figured out
how to make a robot
that can fall in love
and also experience fear?
No, not yet.
I work at a more macro level:
Business strategy, boardroom
politics. That sort of thing.
Well. That sounds... neat.
We also have bathrooms,
where we... bathe.
- Peter, wanna show your papa?
- Sure, yeah. Come on, dad.
I'll show you the
downstairs one first.
Wow, the Lasker Parkes, our most
prestigious alum, in the flesh.
Depressing, huh? He's just
another corporate drone.
It's like finding out
Santa claus left the north pole
to sit in a cubicle
and listen to npr.
He's the ceo of
a fortune 500 company,
using his corporate drone money
to pay enough dues to cover
a full pledge class.
Exactly. Which means, as dull as he
may be, we gotta keep him happy,
and make sure he knows we're
making his son happy, too.
Hey, that one was taken.
You want me to show you
the upstairs one?
No, not really,
I want to know what
it's like for you as a kt.
- Who's your big brother?
- My big what?
Really... you haven't had
your big/little weekend yet?
- No... we're gonna...
- We... we're gonna...
We're sorting through data
and we were gonna...
We wanted it to
be a surprise. Surprise!
We're gonna do the bigúbro
ceremony tomorrow at the party.
The party. We are. Absolutely.
That is and was always our plan.
- Uh-huh.
- Well, I can't wait to see that.
No, I can't wait
for you to see that!
You totally shot me down in front of the entire
class before I was finished making my point.
You can't just claim negligence,
all right? Listen...
- If you can't take the heat...
- Speak in clichés?
- You are extra irritable today.
- I haven't been sleeping well.
- Ashleigh has started snoring.
- She's still staying with you?
I love Ash.
And yes, it is the most depressing time to
find a job since the actual depression.
But we're in this room that can
barely hold all of our appendages.
Look, case, you just
gotta be honest with her.
- Tell her to find her own place.
- I can't. She's my best friend.
Well, she won't be for long, if
you let things continue this way.
- Just give her a little push.
- Maybe you're right.
Wow, this is not going to be
an easy conversation to have.
Huh? Right. Yeah, just...
You know, do it.
It's like ripping off a band-aid.
Save the friendship. It's great.
Oh, hell, no.
- Hi, Professor Segal!
- Professor Segal, hi!
- Miss Cartwright. Mr. chambers.
- Great class today.
- The discussion of transferred intent was...
- Incredibly stimulating.
Stimulating. Well, I'm late for lunch
but you're both more than welcome
to continue sucking up to me
tomorrow at the alumni reception.
You're both CRU alums, right?
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- Great job in class today.
- Thanks!
Thank you so much. Bye.
Kappa tau!
I'm so excited for this weekend
I can barely eat!
Good, you'll avoid bloating.
I want my favorite pledge to have a memorable weekend.
And by "memorable",
you mean...?
Helping Heather seduce
the entire CRU Greek system.
- Ah, yes. - Rebecca, you know
hee-ther's my little sister, right?
Well, you can help Heather, too,
but that's kinda creepy.
Just make sure you show up to the kt homecoming
party tomorrow night after the pep rally.
- It's gonna be awesome.
- You know, the last kt homecoming that I went to
- was when your brother and I first
started dating. - [Heather] Cute!
- Can we go?
- It wouldn't be a homecoming
without a wild,
out-of-control kt party.
Well, don't stay too long...
Whatever your name is.
'Cause you'll literally feel
your brain cells start to die.
Whatever, bing. We're building
a complex Mountain of luges.
It's an everwood theme party, because of
the Mountain and the snow, you know?
Everest, heath.
You know, like the Mountain?
Yeah, that makes
a lot more sense.
Oh, by the way, I can't make
the pep rally tomorrow night.
I've got this alumni event, and my torts
Professor is gonna be there, so...
I gotta kinda...
That's cool, right?
Why wouldn't it be?
I'll focus my energy
on Heather and the pledges.
- Yikes, I'm late for class.
- Oh, I'll walk you.
I have to get to my "history of
soap operas" seminar....
- See you around.
- Bye.
- Everwood? - Oh, come on.
He just misunderstood.
- He must be really good in bed.
- Yeah, he is.
But he's also kind and he's
funny, he's incredibly sweet...
You don't have to justify
your relationship to us, Cal.
He's a good dancer.
The woman was just so uptight.
I mean, "hi, can you smile?"
Then she just stopped abruptly and was like,
"thanks for coming in. We'll call you."
She said she'll call you.
That's good news.
They all say that. It's not my first
time to the job interview rodeo.
Maybe she liked you.
Some people just don't smile!
Well, you're smiling a lot.
What's up, case?
Nothing's up, it's just... I was thinking
about what we discussed this morning...
How you've been living with me
for five weeks.
Yeah, and how awesome
you've been about it.
Right. I was just thinking
that maybe it is time for you
to start looking for your own place.
You know, to live. Like an apartment. Or something.
Uh-huh. Absolutely.
An apartment would be... Uh-huh.
I just have to figure out the whole
paying rent to a landlord thing.
- Yeah, that...
- Yeah.
Maybe you could live
with rusty for a while.
No, I can't live with rusty.
No. He's so...
Yeah, right, that was
a stupid idea, I know.
You know I love
living with you, right?
- Yeah, of course.
- Ok. So...
So, I will get an apartment.
As soon as I get a job.
Great.
So, we have to stop partying
at the party
to have a big bro ceremony?
Just to impress some old guy?
An old guy whose old guy money
is financing many of our
young guy activities.
Do we really have to do
that whole boring process
where the pledge
writes down three names?
Well, I think we all know who
Peter's big brother should be.
- Me, I'm talking about me.
- Oh...
I'm happy for you, Rus.
We both know what
it's like to...
Lose a little brother.
Me with Scooby and you
with Andylicious.
Now you're getting
the second chance that I never had.
Will you guys excuse me?
I've got something in my eye.
I'm gonna do it right this time.
I'm gonna Bond, have long talks...
Scooby!
Well, you're both big-brained,
yet spindly in stature.
You both speak fluent nerd.
Spidey & spitter...
Well, that's fun to say. Looks like
you've got yourself a new little brother!
There you go, spidey.
I'll help you unload the rest of that ice.
- Oh, thanks.
- So, is papa parkes having fun?
Oh, loads! Yeah. Um...
I had a question about
the big brother ceremony.
You don't have to do it naked.
Heath was just messing with you.
No, actually, I was wondering...
Would you be my big brother?
Me? Don't you think rusty
would be a better match?
Rusty's great, but you're
Cappie! I mean...
You're just so awesome, and
cool, and funny and... Cappie!
- Yes, that is my name. - Look, I know
you can't tell me until the ceremony,
but I'd be lying if I said
I wasn't hoping it was you.
You're not holding out
for someone else, are you?
You get it?
'Cause I'm the only pledge...
Oh, I got it. See, you don't even need me.
You're funny already!
Now get that ice out of here.
All right.
You're so lucky to have Evan.
He's like one of those shirtless greeters
at the Abercrombie stores,
but like, romantic and smart.
You'll have your own
Evan some day.
Some day might be sooner
than you think.
Heath promised to find me
a boyfriend at the kt party.
Heather, you're my
number one pledge.
You can't be bogged down
by a boyfriend right now.
Hey, becks.
I have a tiny favor...
Could you possibly, maybe...
Consider...
Giving Ash and me
our old room back?
Heather, the help made a funny.
Fine. What if she
stayed here with you?
- Just for a little bit.
- But where would I put my exercise center?
I'm sure she'll
find something soon.
Experts say the economy should be
back on its feet any year now.
Would you excuse us?
We're talking about homecoming.
And all the hot guys I'm gonna meet
at the kt party tomorrow night.
Oh, Rebecca, you know
the rules from nationals.
Only university-sponsored events
during homecoming.
- But everyone goes to the kt party.
- Not us, not this year.
Nationals is cracking down.
You can't go to that party. Ok?
- Ok.
- Really mean it.
- Ok. - You can't just say
"ok" and then do it, anyway.
- Rebecca?
- Ok.
Ok.
- We're still going, right?
- Obviously.
Hey! Check it out!
Ah, George Orwell's classic dystopian
novel, nineteen eighty-four.
Isn't it supposed
to be "watching you?"
Well, it's for Peter.
We're having our big bro ceremony
at the party tomorrow night.
I'm gonna give it to him after.
You haven't matched up yet?
Me and my big, trip,
are already besties.
Trip's your big brother?
Yeah, you know, I never
thought I could be friends
with a red-top, either. But, he's the Prez.
Only the best for me.
- Hey, what are you watching?
- Thomas crown affair,
the sub-par remake with that
pretty boy Pierce Brosnan.
If you don't like it,
why are you watching it?
I don't know.
Because I am.
What's with the third degree?
I don't... I didn't mean...
You don't have to be so...
- Hi! -
Hey, what's up, cap?
Daley, you coming to our already
legendary Everest party?
I wouldn't be caught dead there.
I'm the enemy now, remember?
Oh, of course.
I guess that means I hate you.
So, what's Omega chi
doing for homecoming?
- A Jack Johnson sing-a-long?
- No. Why?
Who's asking?
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey, so listen...
I was, uh...
I was talking to spidey earlier and...
Yeah?
He may have asked me
to be his big brother.
Oh. Wow. Ok.
Pledges are an impressionable
bunch, if you recall.
No, I get it. Hey, it's not
like I can blame him.
You're a pretty
great big brother.
And I guess the big bro thing
isn't meant for me.
Isn't this supposed
to be "watching you?"
Oh, this was for spidey.
You know what?
Why are we letting Peter decide?
He's a pledge. We're actives.
- We decide stuff.
- I don't wanna force him.
The ceremony isn't until
tomorrow. Nothing's final yet.
That's true. Maybe I can make
Peter want me as his big brother.
Seduce him with your big-ness.
You know what I mean.
Knock, knock! Can I come in?
As long as you're not here to say
more mean things about hfath.
I said he must be good in bed.
What's up, Rebecca?
I was wondering if you could
ask your sex-machine boyfriend
if he could not set Heather
up with a guy tomorrow.
Oh, so, you're worried
that heath is too dumb
to pick a guy
that's up to your standards.
Don't go all
oversensitive gay on me.
I just think you and heath
have an interesting dynamic.
You're smart, ambitious, and
heath's the hottie on your arm.
I see. Because you and Evan
are so perfect, right?
Despite the fact that
last week, you told hee-ther
to tell heath to tell me that you were
taking cappie to pledge presents?
No one's perfect,
but we are equals.
Heath clearly needs you
more than you need him.
You're the mount Everest
to his bunny slope.
I've been going through some stuff lately.
Some personal and academic dilemmas.
- You name it, I got it.
- Wow, I'm surprised he hasn't dumped you by now.
What? No. He doesn't
even know about it.
Because you don't talk about
that serious, deep stuff, right?
We talk about deep stuff.
All the time.
Great, so during these
profound explorations of self,
could you ask him to ease up
on the matchmaker business?
Oh, I am so glad that
we decided to do this.
Titan spirit is in the air!
And I'm buying you a drink tonight
as a thank you for being so great.
- No, you don't need to...
- No, it's fine. We just have to order
before the end of
three-dollar happy hour.
- Um, can we have two beers please?
- You got it.
Uh-oh. Look who's here.
- Happy homecoming.
- Good to see you. Hi.
Cappie.
Just putting up a poster for
our big Everest party tomorrow.
- You gals should stop by.
- Oh, I have an alumni barbeque that night.
- But thanks.
- Yeah, 'cause we're alums, so...
How's the post-college job hunt
treating you, ashleigh?
Oh, it's treating me well.
I've got some jobs in my sights.
Following the scent on a few.
You know, I heard they're
hiring a barback position here,
if you're in need
for some extra cash.
- She does need that.
- No, I'm focusing on a career right now.
Well, good luck. I'm off
to tend to my blowtorch.
You know, that barback
thing didn't sound completely awful.
Ah, it's not really
what I'm looking for.
And you're really gonna
need that at some point. Soon.
Like, now. For an apartment.
You know what I need right
now, case, is just some time.
But, hey, maybe I could go with you
to that barbeque thing tomorrow?
- There could be some alums there hiring.
- Yeah. Sure.
Great. Cheers!
So, we're running down the street and then
I hear this Omega chi start screaming,
"hey! Who day-glowed
that onto my swatch?!"
Hey, isn't it a weird coincidence
that 80s Omega chi sucked, too?
Maybe the house is evil and turns
them all into Brody Jenners.
Ooh, maybe there's
a preppy ghost
and he forces them to pop their
collars and wear ugly ties.
Preppy ghost.
That's a good one, cap.
Yeah, and then the ghost
tells them to vote republican.
Uh, ok, no more story time.
We don't wanna wear out poor Mr. parkes.
No! Tell us a homecoming story.
Oh, well, I wouldn't even
know where to begin.
There are very few pranks
we left unexplored.
If you could go back to school, like
Rodney dangerfield in that movie...
What was it called? I forget.
Anyway, what would you do?
Uh... the biggest thing
nobody ever pulled off?
Stealing the a&m goat
before homecoming.
Every farmhand with an ounce of school
pride guards that thing in shifts.
- It's impossible. - Why haven't we
ever tried to steal the goat, cap?
You heard the man.
It's impossible.
Nothing's impossible.
So I'm thinking we start by casing
the a&m agricultural building.
Then, we come back here and formulate
the perfect goat-stealing plan.
- And then we steal the goat?
- You learn fast, young padawan.
I forgot to put sunscreen on
my face. I'll be right back.
Hey, where you going with
that backpack, spitter?
One of your nerd classes meeting
during homecoming again?
Sure, if it's a class
on goat stealing!
Spidey and I are gonna
go steal the a&m goat tonight.
- The impossible to steal a&m goat?
- Not after we're done with it.
This is my chance to show Peter
I can be a cool big brother.
Why can't you just buy him some porn
and a lap dance and call it a day?
Peter has brittle bones. An aggressive
lap dance could paralyze him for life.
Good point, but what if your plan
fails and Peter is disappointed?
Cap, you've given me the best two
years of my life as big brother.
You made me who I am,
someone I'm proud to be.
And I want to be that person for someone,
and I think it could be Peter.
Fine. Go. I'll stay here and
keep our benefactor happy.
- Good luck.
- You think we can pull it off, right?
I hope that goat
packed his bags.
Can we talk about something
a little bit more serious?
Yeah.
You know how sometimes people
have another side to themselves,
that they keep secret?
Yeah, like super heroes. Or...
Yeah, so... the thing is, they don't want to
really reveal the truth about themselves,
because, well,
because they kind of like
how people view them
in a certain way.
Beaver told you about me stripping
at the Rio nightclub, didn't he?
Stripping? As in, a stripper?
- You? For money?
- You didn't know?
Then what were
you talking about?
Oh God, did Casey tell you about the
whole test-paper selling thing?
- What? - What the hell do you
want to talk to me about?
Stop talking. I was gonna tell
you that I don't have a major.
Really?
Why'd you never tell me?
Does it really matter now?
Welcome, fellow titan alums!
I'm just moseying around this little
shindig, taking some donations.
So, can I get you
to give back to CRU?
- Oh, uh... go titans.
- Go titans!
Oh, I can smell the free buffet.
- Oh, there's Segal.
- He's handsome.
Ew. And he's with Evan.
I have got to get over there.
Go network!
You're gonna be great.
Hi, fellow titan alums.
I'm ashleigh Howard.
We were just talking about
the big game tomorrow.
Ready to watch the titans
whoop some a&m ass?
Yeah! Hell, yeah! I love watching
them throw around that lambskin.
So, what do
you do... Joe Lysacek?
- I'm a dental surgeon.
- Oh, teeth. Fun.
Well, I'm looking for work in
marketing and trend forecasting.
Trend forecasting?
In this economy?
- Ouch. - It's hard out
there right now, huh?
Uh, yeah, but I'm
hanging in there.
I read that average starting
salaries are down from last year.
- Uh-huh. - The jobless rate
amongst college graduates
hanging just over 18 percent.
So many kids are just
going to grad school.
Uh-huh, I heard that, too.
- I'm actually looking to hire someone.
- Really?
Yeah. I need a part-time
nanny for my two boys.
Oh, wait.
Do you know cpr?
That is one
heavily-guarded goat.
I bet you and cappie pulled off
cool pranks like this
- when you were a freshman, huh?
- A few, I guess.
So if cappie becomes my
big bro, that'll make us...
- ...Half little bros, right?
- Yeah, something like that.
I don't know. You seem pretty set
on cappie becoming your big bro.
Yeah, it'd be awesome.
We'll see.
What is it about that cappie guy
that you want him so bad?
- As opposed to the other brothers.
- He's just... confident.
And... he takes risks
without worrying.
Pretty much the opposite of me
in about a million ways.
- Rusty?
- Dale?
Go, go!
Is this why you were acting
all paranoid yesterday?
No such thing as paranoia
when you sleep with the enemy.
I knew you were trying
to suss out my plan.
I was not trying to suss out anything.
We decided to steal the goat this morning.
Besides, I don't think the
Bible would approve of you
stealing thy neighbor's goat.
The Bible doesn't say zip about
kidnapping thy neighbor's goat
to psych out thy neighbor
before a big game.
And I've had this planned
for weeks.
My pledge bros jumped at the
chance to help me make history.
- Do I look like Michelle Obama?
- Well, you and your pledge bros
- won't be making any history
tonight, bro. - Says who?
- You and tiny Tim here? - Whoa!
I once ran an eight-and-a-half minute mile!
- In jeans!
- So did my alcoholic aunt Trudy.
- And she didn't even remember it.
- Back off, Dale, all right?
This goat has kt written
all over it. Just go home.
Sorry, Rus. I got a plan so sweet,
it'll give you a toothache.
We're going in there.
Now, if I were you,
I'd leave now before
you embarrass yourself.
- Seriously? Dude, seriously...
- All right?
Oh, great.
I guess it was a long shot
for us anyways, huh?
- We're going in too.
- Without a plan?
Shouldn't we call for
reinforcements, like cappie?
Pledge, there's no time!
Are you in or out?
I'm in.
And so I went!
It was a cool summer experience.
- Dc is fun. So much energy.
- It must've been inspiring
- to see Paula Baker in action
on the house floor. - Hm.
- Talk about tenacious.
- Oh, it was. And, she is.
I can't wait to get back
to dc after law school.
You know, Professor, I
was planning on going to DC, too,
but after taking classes, I don't know,
I think I might want to practice.
Well, I've been studying law half my life,
and I still learn something new every day.
Although, the dead lawyer jokes
do start to grate after a while.
I love the law, too.
I love the law so much
I wanna make new laws.
I think politicians are more famous for
breaking laws than making new ones.
Touché, Mr. chambers.
Sorry to interrupt.
Um, I'm all schmoozed-out, so
it's time to raid the buffet.
Would you like me
to get you anything?
Oh, no, I'm good. Professor,
this is ashleigh Howard.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Ashleigh, this is
Professor Segal.
I'm sorry you're
not having any fun.
Yeah, that's ok.
Any chance you're looking
to hire a trend forecaster?
- Ah, I am a law Professor.
- The law has its trends, doesn't it?
It certainly does.
Hi, titan alums!
Would any of you like
to donate to your Alma mater?
No, not right now.
Thank you, though.
Oh, come on! Don't you want
to give something to the school
that gave you four great years?
Well, I already gave
four years of my life.
And what good did that do me?
I might as well have gone
to the Hogwarts school
of witchcraft and wizardry.
So, you know what?
You can just give me that clipboard,
because I should be the one
asking you to donate money to me.
Go titans!
Professor, wanna
join me at the bar?
- Yeah.
- Ok.
We should go hit up
that buffet, huh?
I don't get it.
What have I done wrong?
- Why can't I find a job?
- Well, you could've gotten one job.
Don't say dobler's.
It's a job that pays
real money.
You were the one that made me
want more for myself.
Why are you asking me
to give it all up now?
I'm not asking you to give anything up,
I'm just asking you to be practical.
I don't know why I ever thought you'd
understand how hard it is out there.
That is so not fair. You know how hard I've
had to fight to survive in law school.
Not to mention I'm
the house mother to 50 girls.
I get it. You're busy!
Your life is full.
And my life is
empty and pathetic.
- I never said that! - The minute you
told me to wash dishes at dobler's,
it was pretty clear
what you thought.
Taking a job doesn't mean you
have to stop pursuing a career.
I've been in school for 16 years and
now I have nothing to show for it
except maybe a chance
to wash dishes in a bar?
You have a path. Three years of
school, then you move to Washington.
I don't have one road
with easy turns.
- All I have are... forks!
- Ok, well, that's just the way it is!
Thousands of people
graduated in may,
and none of us
are owed anything.
You have to think short-term
as well as long.
Oh, I think about it, trust me.
Every time I get rejected
from yet another job,
I think about it.
Really? Because it seems more
like you're wasting your time,
stuck on some post-grad fairy tale
that's not happening right now!
Oh, yes, please teach me
about fairy tales and reality.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Cappie.
I'm not even with cappie!
I can't believe you're throwing that in my face.
How much more time are you gonna
waste on that stupid fairy tale?
I can't believe I wasted
my time trying to help you.
Well, I'm freeing you
of your obligation. Go!
Everest!
I'm impressed. We never could've pulled
off a party like this in my day.
Darn. I was hoping for another one of
your wild stories from your lost youth.
When I was your age,
I would've thought a guy like me
- was a total douchebag.
- Never crossed my mind.
You probably think every office
is like a dilbert cartoon.
I have a recurring nightmare where I'm
at a computer typing really fast,
with drool running down my face.
I've had the same nightmare.
So, when I graduated,
I promised myself that I would make the
campus of Lasker Parkes incorporated
- a lot like kt.
- You have a campus?
Yeah. It's on our own lake,
amongst the evergreens.
Baseball diamond, basketball courts,
foosball, ping pong, video games.
Wait, wait, wait.
They let you call that work?
Creative people need to relax,
recharge throughout the day.
So no drooling. Unless of course
you're getting a massage.
- That sounds like a fairy tale.
- But it works.
We create technology to fuel scientific
progress, we're hired by biotech firms,
we're constantly
challenging ourselves.
- Last year, I climbed Everest.
- The actual Mountain?
Yeah. But, hey, you did a really
good job replicating this.
I saw the imax movie. But, if you
could be off climbing real mountains,
what are you doing here
staring at a fake one?
I just wanna make sure my son
is having a good time.
- And he is.
- Well, he's a good kid.
Thanks. He's got
kt in his blood.
Here, here.
Something classy for the luge?
You should probably
head to the party without us.
We're still waiting
on a few girls.
I was hoping to get some
scantily-clad ZBZ cover
so I wouldn't have to run
into heath right away.
Things have been a little
bit awkward since he told me
- he takes his clothes off for money.
- Heath's a stripper? Hot!
I don't know.
Maybe you're right about us.
I'm just not sure I wanna
give up on another relationship.
I'm sorry, Cal.
I can't help but feel partly responsible.
- You're completely responsible.
- Vodka?
Case! What happened
to your alumni thing?
Stupid ashleigh happened.
Why do you have
a bottle of vodka?
I... confiscated it.
Just helping out my house mom.
Want some? You look like you
need a drink....
Now, what happened
with ashleigh?
I go out of my way
to be a good friend,
and she has the gall
to attack me about my life!
That's awful!
She said that
I think her life is pathetic,
which wasn't true,
but it is now!
And that my life is so easy,
and I'm living this
fairy tale... ugh!
She wasn't even
making any sense!
She rarely does. More?
I am supposed to be the house mother.
I'm supposed to be taking care of you.
We're fine, case. Relax. Let me
help you for a change. More?
Maybe Ash is right.
Maybe I don't know what I'm doing.
Life was so much easier when all
your decisions were made for you.
I know what you mean.
Sometimes I wish I was still a pledge.
I was young. Carefree.
I'd go out and use
my hot body as a weapon.
Yeah, because so much
has changed.
Hey, it's homecoming,
and I'm having fun.
Don't you deserve
to have fun, too?
Yeah.
I do deserve to have fun!
But right now, I deserve to...
Go to the bathroom.
I have to pee.
House mom's been neutralized.
Let's roll.
We're surrounded by a bunch of farmhands
who can bench press each other.
- What are we doing? - You're going right
through that door where the goat is.
- No, what?
- Yes.
Go stand over there.
All right.
Uh, can I get everyone's
attention, please?
Yeah. Cyprus-rhodes
football rules!
Get him!
This way! Let's go!
- No!
- Shh! Shush!
- Hey, how did you get in?
- I lost 'em.
Now let's do this before
they realize we're here.
Oh, no.
Omega chi got here first.
We took the goat.
Good luck at the game. CRU.
Settle, bitch. Save some
for the rest of us.
- Heather's the belle of the ball.
- You must be so proud.
Cal.
Ooh, right. See ya!
Look, I know you're still probably
freaking out about the whole stripper,
- test-seller thing.
- A little bit.
I'm sorry, I just
didn't know how to react.
I get it.
I should've told you.
I was just afraid you'd break up
with me if you found out about it.
Are you gonna break up with me?
- I don't want to, heath.
- Then, don't.
Look, I know you're this
smart, amazing, together guy,
and I'm... me,
the guy who likes twilight
and the berenstain bear books.
But that doesn't mean we can't
enjoy being together, right?
You know, I'm not as together
as you think I am.
The reason I didn't tell you I didn't have
a major was because I was embarrassed.
I didn't want you
to think I was a... loser.
I could never think
that about you.
And for the record,
I think you're a great guy.
Then let's both be honest, about it all.
The good, the bad...
I love you.
I love you, too.
Wow, this honesty thing
is awesome!
Yeah, I love my big, gay,
test-selling, ex-stripper boyfriend.
And I love my boyfriend
with no major.
Yeah, mine's much worse.
- How the hell did Dale do it? - Have I ever
told you about my irrational fear of baby cows?
You mean calves?
Dale must've had help.
You think he had an inside man?
Rusty, they're gone.
Let's just leave before we get caught.
You're right. And you're right
to want cappie as a big brother.
When I was a freshman, cappie gave
men amazing college experience.
You deserve that, too.
You deserve the original, not the second-rate...
...The remake.
The Thomas crown affair.
The one with Pierce Brosnan?
I kinda like that movie.
Yeah, Dale was watching
that earlier.
Pierce Brosnan got the
painting out of the museum...
By hiding it in plain sight.
Jackpot. Ok, it's ok!
It's ok.
Come on.
Come on!
Out of the way, out of the way.
- Right out this door.
- Hey!
- Hey, that's our goat!
- Hey, that's our goat!
Get the goat!
Get 'em!
If you add up all
my CRU tuition money,
you actually owe me, like,
thousands of gin and tonics.
All right.
- Whoa! Sorry.
- Oh! Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.
That was my totally my fault.
- It's all right.
- Oh, you're Casey's scary Professor.
- Scary?
- I mean... scary smart.
Ok. Um...
Well...
Whatever happened
to miss Cartwright?
Um, well, we kind of
got in a fight.
She wants me to take this crappy job
and face my reality, or whatever.
You know, when I left
college back in 1990,
- I was in construction.
- Oh, really?
- I was two.
- You work construction, too?
No. I was... two years old.
Right. Anyway, it was
a tough time for me.
I'd invested in this big education,
so why was I shoveling cement?
- So, why were you?
- Survival.
People who can survive are ready
when obstacles come their way.
Like my father said,
"never look down into the chasm.
Keep your eyes
on the horizon."
He also said, "never
leave a party before the bartender."
Can I buy you a drink?
Yeah, I would love one.
- Professor.
- Call me Simon.
Ok. Simon.
Thanks.
Hey, you seen cappie?
Where's cappie?
- Oh, cap!
- Yo!
Well? Really?
Oh!
- Oh, my...
- Wow.
Can I have everyone's
attention, please?
I am proud to announce that our
very own spitter and pledge spidey
have successfully stolen the a&m goat!
- So? What do you think?
- Not bad, kiddo.
So now that we have our pledge back, it's
time for the kt big brother ceremony!
For his big brother,
pledge spidey has chosen...
Rusty Cartwright.
- Was this because of the goat?
- No.
Cappie's cool, but you're cool,
and a nerd. You're the...
- The amalgam?
- Yes!
- Like I hope to be some day.
- Ah, man, that's cool.
I won't let you down.
You're well on your way, pledge.
- All right.
- Let's go find that ice luge.
Let's get belligerent.
Hey, Casey.
Looking for cappie?
No, I'm looking for this.
Ooh...
- Hey, someone turn
the music back on! - Wow.
Gettinthis, man?
They're gonna be so mad.
What's up?
Oh, that's a good one.
I love your mouth right now!
I really need a boyfriend, asap.
I already have one,
so why am I here?
I'm not this person anymore.
I'm gonna go see
my awesome boyfriend.
I'm gonna go
cry myself to sleep.
Wow! That doesn't go down
like it used to.
Oh, you're doing fine.
Wow...
- How do you do it, anyway?
- What?
How does a middle-aged man drink
really cheap Tequila without dying?
No, how do you exist
in the real world without...
Yes, dying, inside.
Metaphorically speaking.
Cappie, the real world is
just a place with people in it.
It's not out to get you.
You're smart,
you know who you are.
So have a little faith
in yourself, ok?
Here is my card. Whenever you
do leave this backyard,
it'd be good to have a friend.
Think of me as your
real world big brother.
Casey?
- What are you doing here? - I'm having fun.
What's it look like, slappy?
- Maybe you're having too much fun.
- I deserve this.
Even Rebecca agrees.
Now, where's the keg?
Ok, no more kegs.
Let me take you home. Come on.
- Oh, come on.
- No, no. Come on.
Oh, fine.
Wow, I cannot believe you wasted
that outfit on a kt party.
How was it?
- Heather did not disappoint.
- Mm-hmm.
- But... I missed my boyfriend.
- I missed my girlfriend.
- How was your night?
- It was incredible.
- That's great. - Yeah.
Segal and I bro'd out like crazy.
He even introduced me to an
Ohio state supreme court judge.
I felt like a
real lawyer the whole night.
Hm. Maybe we can play a little
lawyer interrogating his witness.
Uh, not tonight,
babe. I'm just so exhausted.
You mind if we just go to bed?
Ash? I thought
of another thing!
- Ok, whoa, whoa. Come on.
- Whoa. She's not here.
- Thank God.
- Yeah.
There we go.
Wait.
Wh...?
- We can't. We're drunk.
- Shh...
What are we doing?
What is this?
It's a fairy tale.
They pulled me off the project.
I lost my wire.
I can't apologize for being
confident in my abilities.
Being confident is one thing.
But disparaging my work?
It's like you have
no respect for me.
We broke up.
- I'm sorry.
- Hey, Ash?
Yeah?
Tonight's all about
pledge presents.
If it's ok with you,
I might skip tonight.
- Do you mind?
- Totally get it.
Will you be my date
for pledge presents?
And what about your boyfriend?
He can't be bothered
with a sorority party.
Not when there's a law school
study group to go to.
Why are you wearing
an Omega chi pledge pin?
Because I'm pledging Omega chi.
I know this is a 180 for me,
but that doesn't have
to be a bad thing, right?
Isn't that why you joined
kappa tau? To change?
I'd kill to be a kt.
Even if I wasn't a legacy.
Homecoming is
an epic kt tradition,
steeped in the ancient lore
of the mighty, beer-raining,
and yet,
dearly departed, vesuvius.
A moment of silence, please.
Last year, we mourned vesuvius
instead of throwing a party,
and guess what happened?
A&m knocked CRU out of the
top ten best party schools,
And dot-org's never lie.
But all is not lost.
Because this year, we will reclaim our throne
with a party so epic,
it'll defy belief.
A party so elevated,
it'll defy gravity.
A little party
I like to call...
Everest!
We will transform our house
into the biggest series
of ice luges...
Luges? Lugi? Lugie?
Ever constructed!
And by "we,"
I mean our pledges.
- Pledges!
- Yeah, cap?
Oh, right. Uh...
Sole pledge, spidey.
Tools are in the shed,
good luck!
Go on!
Meeting adjourned!
I am so glad to have my happy-go-lucky
spitter back. I missed him.
Losing Dana and the wire at once
sucked, but no wallowing.
And I'm pretty excited for spidey.
It's his first homecoming.
I'll bet the alumnis are
gonna be super impressed
when they see their old house
covered in ice, huh, cap?
Our alums possess neither the will nor
wherewithal to find their way back here.
Which is for the best, since no one
wants a bunch of old guys hanging out,
reliving their
lost kt glory days.
- Looks like kt never changes.
- Can we help you, sir?
- Guys, I've got this.
- No, you get back to work, pledge!
Everest isn't gonna
build itself.
And this what I'm spending
seven grand a month
on dues for, huh, kiddo?
- Kiddo?
- Guys, this is my dad, Lasker Parkes.
Take a break, pledge!
Welcome back to kt!
Thank you.
That's my boy!
- You having fun?
- Yeah!
Everybody good to you?
- Oh, gosh!
- Oh, sorry!
The only outlet's
next to your desk.
It's fine. I'm just
looking for my cell phone.
Hey! So, I can't believe
it's homecoming already.
- Crazy, right?
- I can't believe we're alumni.
It feels like
we just graduated.
I mean, I've been back
for five weeks,
- but it feels like five days.
- More like five seconds.
You sure it's ok, right?
Me staying here so long?
- Oh, it's fine.
- I know it's an imposition.
You are my best friend.
You can't be an imposition.
Ok. Who knew looking
for a job would take so long?
It happens so fast
in movie montages.
What happened with
the office temp job?
Uh, nothing. I can't even
get hired temporarily.
But I do have a second interview
for a marketing firm today.
I'm trying not
to get too excited.
Oh, no, you should be excited.
Who cares about a temp job
that was below you, anyway?
- Oh! Well, thank you, case.
- Yeah.
Hey, at least if I never get
hired for any job, like, ever,
- I'll always have you by my side.
- Oh!
Um, so...
Flat irons in the bathroom only.
New rule!
It's... fine.
Sorry, sorry.
As I'm sure you remember,
this is the game room,
where we...
Play games,
as the name might suggest.
You know, I think I was here
when we got this video game.
Is this where you came up
with Joshua whopper?
I... we all love him.
We're big fans.
Is that what made you
wanna be an inventor?
You know, I wouldn't call what my
company does "inventing," per se.
- It's more... tech development.
- Oh, um...
Well, have you "tech developed"
anything lately?
Ooh, have you figured out
how to make a robot
that can fall in love
and also experience fear?
No, not yet.
I work at a more macro level:
Business strategy, boardroom
politics. That sort of thing.
Well. That sounds... neat.
We also have bathrooms,
where we... bathe.
- Peter, wanna show your papa?
- Sure, yeah. Come on, dad.
I'll show you the
downstairs one first.
Wow, the Lasker Parkes, our most
prestigious alum, in the flesh.
Depressing, huh? He's just
another corporate drone.
It's like finding out
Santa claus left the north pole
to sit in a cubicle
and listen to npr.
He's the ceo of
a fortune 500 company,
using his corporate drone money
to pay enough dues to cover
a full pledge class.
Exactly. Which means, as dull as he
may be, we gotta keep him happy,
and make sure he knows we're
making his son happy, too.
Hey, that one was taken.
You want me to show you
the upstairs one?
No, not really,
I want to know what
it's like for you as a kt.
- Who's your big brother?
- My big what?
Really... you haven't had
your big/little weekend yet?
- No... we're gonna...
- We... we're gonna...
We're sorting through data
and we were gonna...
We wanted it to
be a surprise. Surprise!
We're gonna do the bigúbro
ceremony tomorrow at the party.
The party. We are. Absolutely.
That is and was always our plan.
- Uh-huh.
- Well, I can't wait to see that.
No, I can't wait
for you to see that!
You totally shot me down in front of the entire
class before I was finished making my point.
You can't just claim negligence,
all right? Listen...
- If you can't take the heat...
- Speak in clichés?
- You are extra irritable today.
- I haven't been sleeping well.
- Ashleigh has started snoring.
- She's still staying with you?
I love Ash.
And yes, it is the most depressing time to
find a job since the actual depression.
But we're in this room that can
barely hold all of our appendages.
Look, case, you just
gotta be honest with her.
- Tell her to find her own place.
- I can't. She's my best friend.
Well, she won't be for long, if
you let things continue this way.
- Just give her a little push.
- Maybe you're right.
Wow, this is not going to be
an easy conversation to have.
Huh? Right. Yeah, just...
You know, do it.
It's like ripping off a band-aid.
Save the friendship. It's great.
Oh, hell, no.
- Hi, Professor Segal!
- Professor Segal, hi!
- Miss Cartwright. Mr. chambers.
- Great class today.
- The discussion of transferred intent was...
- Incredibly stimulating.
Stimulating. Well, I'm late for lunch
but you're both more than welcome
to continue sucking up to me
tomorrow at the alumni reception.
You're both CRU alums, right?
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- Great job in class today.
- Thanks!
Thank you so much. Bye.
Kappa tau!
I'm so excited for this weekend
I can barely eat!
Good, you'll avoid bloating.
I want my favorite pledge to have a memorable weekend.
And by "memorable",
you mean...?
Helping Heather seduce
the entire CRU Greek system.
- Ah, yes. - Rebecca, you know
hee-ther's my little sister, right?
Well, you can help Heather, too,
but that's kinda creepy.
Just make sure you show up to the kt homecoming
party tomorrow night after the pep rally.
- It's gonna be awesome.
- You know, the last kt homecoming that I went to
- was when your brother and I first
started dating. - [Heather] Cute!
- Can we go?
- It wouldn't be a homecoming
without a wild,
out-of-control kt party.
Well, don't stay too long...
Whatever your name is.
'Cause you'll literally feel
your brain cells start to die.
Whatever, bing. We're building
a complex Mountain of luges.
It's an everwood theme party, because of
the Mountain and the snow, you know?
Everest, heath.
You know, like the Mountain?
Yeah, that makes
a lot more sense.
Oh, by the way, I can't make
the pep rally tomorrow night.
I've got this alumni event, and my torts
Professor is gonna be there, so...
I gotta kinda...
That's cool, right?
Why wouldn't it be?
I'll focus my energy
on Heather and the pledges.
- Yikes, I'm late for class.
- Oh, I'll walk you.
I have to get to my "history of
soap operas" seminar....
- See you around.
- Bye.
- Everwood? - Oh, come on.
He just misunderstood.
- He must be really good in bed.
- Yeah, he is.
But he's also kind and he's
funny, he's incredibly sweet...
You don't have to justify
your relationship to us, Cal.
He's a good dancer.
The woman was just so uptight.
I mean, "hi, can you smile?"
Then she just stopped abruptly and was like,
"thanks for coming in. We'll call you."
She said she'll call you.
That's good news.
They all say that. It's not my first
time to the job interview rodeo.
Maybe she liked you.
Some people just don't smile!
Well, you're smiling a lot.
What's up, case?
Nothing's up, it's just... I was thinking
about what we discussed this morning...
How you've been living with me
for five weeks.
Yeah, and how awesome
you've been about it.
Right. I was just thinking
that maybe it is time for you
to start looking for your own place.
You know, to live. Like an apartment. Or something.
Uh-huh. Absolutely.
An apartment would be... Uh-huh.
I just have to figure out the whole
paying rent to a landlord thing.
- Yeah, that...
- Yeah.
Maybe you could live
with rusty for a while.
No, I can't live with rusty.
No. He's so...
Yeah, right, that was
a stupid idea, I know.
You know I love
living with you, right?
- Yeah, of course.
- Ok. So...
So, I will get an apartment.
As soon as I get a job.
Great.
So, we have to stop partying
at the party
to have a big bro ceremony?
Just to impress some old guy?
An old guy whose old guy money
is financing many of our
young guy activities.
Do we really have to do
that whole boring process
where the pledge
writes down three names?
Well, I think we all know who
Peter's big brother should be.
- Me, I'm talking about me.
- Oh...
I'm happy for you, Rus.
We both know what
it's like to...
Lose a little brother.
Me with Scooby and you
with Andylicious.
Now you're getting
the second chance that I never had.
Will you guys excuse me?
I've got something in my eye.
I'm gonna do it right this time.
I'm gonna Bond, have long talks...
Scooby!
Well, you're both big-brained,
yet spindly in stature.
You both speak fluent nerd.
Spidey & spitter...
Well, that's fun to say. Looks like
you've got yourself a new little brother!
There you go, spidey.
I'll help you unload the rest of that ice.
- Oh, thanks.
- So, is papa parkes having fun?
Oh, loads! Yeah. Um...
I had a question about
the big brother ceremony.
You don't have to do it naked.
Heath was just messing with you.
No, actually, I was wondering...
Would you be my big brother?
Me? Don't you think rusty
would be a better match?
Rusty's great, but you're
Cappie! I mean...
You're just so awesome, and
cool, and funny and... Cappie!
- Yes, that is my name. - Look, I know
you can't tell me until the ceremony,
but I'd be lying if I said
I wasn't hoping it was you.
You're not holding out
for someone else, are you?
You get it?
'Cause I'm the only pledge...
Oh, I got it. See, you don't even need me.
You're funny already!
Now get that ice out of here.
All right.
You're so lucky to have Evan.
He's like one of those shirtless greeters
at the Abercrombie stores,
but like, romantic and smart.
You'll have your own
Evan some day.
Some day might be sooner
than you think.
Heath promised to find me
a boyfriend at the kt party.
Heather, you're my
number one pledge.
You can't be bogged down
by a boyfriend right now.
Hey, becks.
I have a tiny favor...
Could you possibly, maybe...
Consider...
Giving Ash and me
our old room back?
Heather, the help made a funny.
Fine. What if she
stayed here with you?
- Just for a little bit.
- But where would I put my exercise center?
I'm sure she'll
find something soon.
Experts say the economy should be
back on its feet any year now.
Would you excuse us?
We're talking about homecoming.
And all the hot guys I'm gonna meet
at the kt party tomorrow night.
Oh, Rebecca, you know
the rules from nationals.
Only university-sponsored events
during homecoming.
- But everyone goes to the kt party.
- Not us, not this year.
Nationals is cracking down.
You can't go to that party. Ok?
- Ok.
- Really mean it.
- Ok. - You can't just say
"ok" and then do it, anyway.
- Rebecca?
- Ok.
Ok.
- We're still going, right?
- Obviously.
Hey! Check it out!
Ah, George Orwell's classic dystopian
novel, nineteen eighty-four.
Isn't it supposed
to be "watching you?"
Well, it's for Peter.
We're having our big bro ceremony
at the party tomorrow night.
I'm gonna give it to him after.
You haven't matched up yet?
Me and my big, trip,
are already besties.
Trip's your big brother?
Yeah, you know, I never
thought I could be friends
with a red-top, either. But, he's the Prez.
Only the best for me.
- Hey, what are you watching?
- Thomas crown affair,
the sub-par remake with that
pretty boy Pierce Brosnan.
If you don't like it,
why are you watching it?
I don't know.
Because I am.
What's with the third degree?
I don't... I didn't mean...
You don't have to be so...
- Hi! -
Hey, what's up, cap?
Daley, you coming to our already
legendary Everest party?
I wouldn't be caught dead there.
I'm the enemy now, remember?
Oh, of course.
I guess that means I hate you.
So, what's Omega chi
doing for homecoming?
- A Jack Johnson sing-a-long?
- No. Why?
Who's asking?
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey, so listen...
I was, uh...
I was talking to spidey earlier and...
Yeah?
He may have asked me
to be his big brother.
Oh. Wow. Ok.
Pledges are an impressionable
bunch, if you recall.
No, I get it. Hey, it's not
like I can blame him.
You're a pretty
great big brother.
And I guess the big bro thing
isn't meant for me.
Isn't this supposed
to be "watching you?"
Oh, this was for spidey.
You know what?
Why are we letting Peter decide?
He's a pledge. We're actives.
- We decide stuff.
- I don't wanna force him.
The ceremony isn't until
tomorrow. Nothing's final yet.
That's true. Maybe I can make
Peter want me as his big brother.
Seduce him with your big-ness.
You know what I mean.
Knock, knock! Can I come in?
As long as you're not here to say
more mean things about hfath.
I said he must be good in bed.
What's up, Rebecca?
I was wondering if you could
ask your sex-machine boyfriend
if he could not set Heather
up with a guy tomorrow.
Oh, so, you're worried
that heath is too dumb
to pick a guy
that's up to your standards.
Don't go all
oversensitive gay on me.
I just think you and heath
have an interesting dynamic.
You're smart, ambitious, and
heath's the hottie on your arm.
I see. Because you and Evan
are so perfect, right?
Despite the fact that
last week, you told hee-ther
to tell heath to tell me that you were
taking cappie to pledge presents?
No one's perfect,
but we are equals.
Heath clearly needs you
more than you need him.
You're the mount Everest
to his bunny slope.
I've been going through some stuff lately.
Some personal and academic dilemmas.
- You name it, I got it.
- Wow, I'm surprised he hasn't dumped you by now.
What? No. He doesn't
even know about it.
Because you don't talk about
that serious, deep stuff, right?
We talk about deep stuff.
All the time.
Great, so during these
profound explorations of self,
could you ask him to ease up
on the matchmaker business?
Oh, I am so glad that
we decided to do this.
Titan spirit is in the air!
And I'm buying you a drink tonight
as a thank you for being so great.
- No, you don't need to...
- No, it's fine. We just have to order
before the end of
three-dollar happy hour.
- Um, can we have two beers please?
- You got it.
Uh-oh. Look who's here.
- Happy homecoming.
- Good to see you. Hi.
Cappie.
Just putting up a poster for
our big Everest party tomorrow.
- You gals should stop by.
- Oh, I have an alumni barbeque that night.
- But thanks.
- Yeah, 'cause we're alums, so...
How's the post-college job hunt
treating you, ashleigh?
Oh, it's treating me well.
I've got some jobs in my sights.
Following the scent on a few.
You know, I heard they're
hiring a barback position here,
if you're in need
for some extra cash.
- She does need that.
- No, I'm focusing on a career right now.
Well, good luck. I'm off
to tend to my blowtorch.
You know, that barback
thing didn't sound completely awful.
Ah, it's not really
what I'm looking for.
And you're really gonna
need that at some point. Soon.
Like, now. For an apartment.
You know what I need right
now, case, is just some time.
But, hey, maybe I could go with you
to that barbeque thing tomorrow?
- There could be some alums there hiring.
- Yeah. Sure.
Great. Cheers!
So, we're running down the street and then
I hear this Omega chi start screaming,
"hey! Who day-glowed
that onto my swatch?!"
Hey, isn't it a weird coincidence
that 80s Omega chi sucked, too?
Maybe the house is evil and turns
them all into Brody Jenners.
Ooh, maybe there's
a preppy ghost
and he forces them to pop their
collars and wear ugly ties.
Preppy ghost.
That's a good one, cap.
Yeah, and then the ghost
tells them to vote republican.
Uh, ok, no more story time.
We don't wanna wear out poor Mr. parkes.
No! Tell us a homecoming story.
Oh, well, I wouldn't even
know where to begin.
There are very few pranks
we left unexplored.
If you could go back to school, like
Rodney dangerfield in that movie...
What was it called? I forget.
Anyway, what would you do?
Uh... the biggest thing
nobody ever pulled off?
Stealing the a&m goat
before homecoming.
Every farmhand with an ounce of school
pride guards that thing in shifts.
- It's impossible. - Why haven't we
ever tried to steal the goat, cap?
You heard the man.
It's impossible.
Nothing's impossible.
So I'm thinking we start by casing
the a&m agricultural building.
Then, we come back here and formulate
the perfect goat-stealing plan.
- And then we steal the goat?
- You learn fast, young padawan.
I forgot to put sunscreen on
my face. I'll be right back.
Hey, where you going with
that backpack, spitter?
One of your nerd classes meeting
during homecoming again?
Sure, if it's a class
on goat stealing!
Spidey and I are gonna
go steal the a&m goat tonight.
- The impossible to steal a&m goat?
- Not after we're done with it.
This is my chance to show Peter
I can be a cool big brother.
Why can't you just buy him some porn
and a lap dance and call it a day?
Peter has brittle bones. An aggressive
lap dance could paralyze him for life.
Good point, but what if your plan
fails and Peter is disappointed?
Cap, you've given me the best two
years of my life as big brother.
You made me who I am,
someone I'm proud to be.
And I want to be that person for someone,
and I think it could be Peter.
Fine. Go. I'll stay here and
keep our benefactor happy.
- Good luck.
- You think we can pull it off, right?
I hope that goat
packed his bags.
Can we talk about something
a little bit more serious?
Yeah.
You know how sometimes people
have another side to themselves,
that they keep secret?
Yeah, like super heroes. Or...
Yeah, so... the thing is, they don't want to
really reveal the truth about themselves,
because, well,
because they kind of like
how people view them
in a certain way.
Beaver told you about me stripping
at the Rio nightclub, didn't he?
Stripping? As in, a stripper?
- You? For money?
- You didn't know?
Then what were
you talking about?
Oh God, did Casey tell you about the
whole test-paper selling thing?
- What? - What the hell do you
want to talk to me about?
Stop talking. I was gonna tell
you that I don't have a major.
Really?
Why'd you never tell me?
Does it really matter now?
Welcome, fellow titan alums!
I'm just moseying around this little
shindig, taking some donations.
So, can I get you
to give back to CRU?
- Oh, uh... go titans.
- Go titans!
Oh, I can smell the free buffet.
- Oh, there's Segal.
- He's handsome.
Ew. And he's with Evan.
I have got to get over there.
Go network!
You're gonna be great.
Hi, fellow titan alums.
I'm ashleigh Howard.
We were just talking about
the big game tomorrow.
Ready to watch the titans
whoop some a&m ass?
Yeah! Hell, yeah! I love watching
them throw around that lambskin.
So, what do
you do... Joe Lysacek?
- I'm a dental surgeon.
- Oh, teeth. Fun.
Well, I'm looking for work in
marketing and trend forecasting.
Trend forecasting?
In this economy?
- Ouch. - It's hard out
there right now, huh?
Uh, yeah, but I'm
hanging in there.
I read that average starting
salaries are down from last year.
- Uh-huh. - The jobless rate
amongst college graduates
hanging just over 18 percent.
So many kids are just
going to grad school.
Uh-huh, I heard that, too.
- I'm actually looking to hire someone.
- Really?
Yeah. I need a part-time
nanny for my two boys.
Oh, wait.
Do you know cpr?
That is one
heavily-guarded goat.
I bet you and cappie pulled off
cool pranks like this
- when you were a freshman, huh?
- A few, I guess.
So if cappie becomes my
big bro, that'll make us...
- ...Half little bros, right?
- Yeah, something like that.
I don't know. You seem pretty set
on cappie becoming your big bro.
Yeah, it'd be awesome.
We'll see.
What is it about that cappie guy
that you want him so bad?
- As opposed to the other brothers.
- He's just... confident.
And... he takes risks
without worrying.
Pretty much the opposite of me
in about a million ways.
- Rusty?
- Dale?
Go, go!
Is this why you were acting
all paranoid yesterday?
No such thing as paranoia
when you sleep with the enemy.
I knew you were trying
to suss out my plan.
I was not trying to suss out anything.
We decided to steal the goat this morning.
Besides, I don't think the
Bible would approve of you
stealing thy neighbor's goat.
The Bible doesn't say zip about
kidnapping thy neighbor's goat
to psych out thy neighbor
before a big game.
And I've had this planned
for weeks.
My pledge bros jumped at the
chance to help me make history.
- Do I look like Michelle Obama?
- Well, you and your pledge bros
- won't be making any history
tonight, bro. - Says who?
- You and tiny Tim here? - Whoa!
I once ran an eight-and-a-half minute mile!
- In jeans!
- So did my alcoholic aunt Trudy.
- And she didn't even remember it.
- Back off, Dale, all right?
This goat has kt written
all over it. Just go home.
Sorry, Rus. I got a plan so sweet,
it'll give you a toothache.
We're going in there.
Now, if I were you,
I'd leave now before
you embarrass yourself.
- Seriously? Dude, seriously...
- All right?
Oh, great.
I guess it was a long shot
for us anyways, huh?
- We're going in too.
- Without a plan?
Shouldn't we call for
reinforcements, like cappie?
Pledge, there's no time!
Are you in or out?
I'm in.
And so I went!
It was a cool summer experience.
- Dc is fun. So much energy.
- It must've been inspiring
- to see Paula Baker in action
on the house floor. - Hm.
- Talk about tenacious.
- Oh, it was. And, she is.
I can't wait to get back
to dc after law school.
You know, Professor, I
was planning on going to DC, too,
but after taking classes, I don't know,
I think I might want to practice.
Well, I've been studying law half my life,
and I still learn something new every day.
Although, the dead lawyer jokes
do start to grate after a while.
I love the law, too.
I love the law so much
I wanna make new laws.
I think politicians are more famous for
breaking laws than making new ones.
Touché, Mr. chambers.
Sorry to interrupt.
Um, I'm all schmoozed-out, so
it's time to raid the buffet.
Would you like me
to get you anything?
Oh, no, I'm good. Professor,
this is ashleigh Howard.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Ashleigh, this is
Professor Segal.
I'm sorry you're
not having any fun.
Yeah, that's ok.
Any chance you're looking
to hire a trend forecaster?
- Ah, I am a law Professor.
- The law has its trends, doesn't it?
It certainly does.
Hi, titan alums!
Would any of you like
to donate to your Alma mater?
No, not right now.
Thank you, though.
Oh, come on! Don't you want
to give something to the school
that gave you four great years?
Well, I already gave
four years of my life.
And what good did that do me?
I might as well have gone
to the Hogwarts school
of witchcraft and wizardry.
So, you know what?
You can just give me that clipboard,
because I should be the one
asking you to donate money to me.
Go titans!
Professor, wanna
join me at the bar?
- Yeah.
- Ok.
We should go hit up
that buffet, huh?
I don't get it.
What have I done wrong?
- Why can't I find a job?
- Well, you could've gotten one job.
Don't say dobler's.
It's a job that pays
real money.
You were the one that made me
want more for myself.
Why are you asking me
to give it all up now?
I'm not asking you to give anything up,
I'm just asking you to be practical.
I don't know why I ever thought you'd
understand how hard it is out there.
That is so not fair. You know how hard I've
had to fight to survive in law school.
Not to mention I'm
the house mother to 50 girls.
I get it. You're busy!
Your life is full.
And my life is
empty and pathetic.
- I never said that! - The minute you
told me to wash dishes at dobler's,
it was pretty clear
what you thought.
Taking a job doesn't mean you
have to stop pursuing a career.
I've been in school for 16 years and
now I have nothing to show for it
except maybe a chance
to wash dishes in a bar?
You have a path. Three years of
school, then you move to Washington.
I don't have one road
with easy turns.
- All I have are... forks!
- Ok, well, that's just the way it is!
Thousands of people
graduated in may,
and none of us
are owed anything.
You have to think short-term
as well as long.
Oh, I think about it, trust me.
Every time I get rejected
from yet another job,
I think about it.
Really? Because it seems more
like you're wasting your time,
stuck on some post-grad fairy tale
that's not happening right now!
Oh, yes, please teach me
about fairy tales and reality.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Cappie.
I'm not even with cappie!
I can't believe you're throwing that in my face.
How much more time are you gonna
waste on that stupid fairy tale?
I can't believe I wasted
my time trying to help you.
Well, I'm freeing you
of your obligation. Go!
Everest!
I'm impressed. We never could've pulled
off a party like this in my day.
Darn. I was hoping for another one of
your wild stories from your lost youth.
When I was your age,
I would've thought a guy like me
- was a total douchebag.
- Never crossed my mind.
You probably think every office
is like a dilbert cartoon.
I have a recurring nightmare where I'm
at a computer typing really fast,
with drool running down my face.
I've had the same nightmare.
So, when I graduated,
I promised myself that I would make the
campus of Lasker Parkes incorporated
- a lot like kt.
- You have a campus?
Yeah. It's on our own lake,
amongst the evergreens.
Baseball diamond, basketball courts,
foosball, ping pong, video games.
Wait, wait, wait.
They let you call that work?
Creative people need to relax,
recharge throughout the day.
So no drooling. Unless of course
you're getting a massage.
- That sounds like a fairy tale.
- But it works.
We create technology to fuel scientific
progress, we're hired by biotech firms,
we're constantly
challenging ourselves.
- Last year, I climbed Everest.
- The actual Mountain?
Yeah. But, hey, you did a really
good job replicating this.
I saw the imax movie. But, if you
could be off climbing real mountains,
what are you doing here
staring at a fake one?
I just wanna make sure my son
is having a good time.
- And he is.
- Well, he's a good kid.
Thanks. He's got
kt in his blood.
Here, here.
Something classy for the luge?
You should probably
head to the party without us.
We're still waiting
on a few girls.
I was hoping to get some
scantily-clad ZBZ cover
so I wouldn't have to run
into heath right away.
Things have been a little
bit awkward since he told me
- he takes his clothes off for money.
- Heath's a stripper? Hot!
I don't know.
Maybe you're right about us.
I'm just not sure I wanna
give up on another relationship.
I'm sorry, Cal.
I can't help but feel partly responsible.
- You're completely responsible.
- Vodka?
Case! What happened
to your alumni thing?
Stupid ashleigh happened.
Why do you have
a bottle of vodka?
I... confiscated it.
Just helping out my house mom.
Want some? You look like you
need a drink....
Now, what happened
with ashleigh?
I go out of my way
to be a good friend,
and she has the gall
to attack me about my life!
That's awful!
She said that
I think her life is pathetic,
which wasn't true,
but it is now!
And that my life is so easy,
and I'm living this
fairy tale... ugh!
She wasn't even
making any sense!
She rarely does. More?
I am supposed to be the house mother.
I'm supposed to be taking care of you.
We're fine, case. Relax. Let me
help you for a change. More?
Maybe Ash is right.
Maybe I don't know what I'm doing.
Life was so much easier when all
your decisions were made for you.
I know what you mean.
Sometimes I wish I was still a pledge.
I was young. Carefree.
I'd go out and use
my hot body as a weapon.
Yeah, because so much
has changed.
Hey, it's homecoming,
and I'm having fun.
Don't you deserve
to have fun, too?
Yeah.
I do deserve to have fun!
But right now, I deserve to...
Go to the bathroom.
I have to pee.
House mom's been neutralized.
Let's roll.
We're surrounded by a bunch of farmhands
who can bench press each other.
- What are we doing? - You're going right
through that door where the goat is.
- No, what?
- Yes.
Go stand over there.
All right.
Uh, can I get everyone's
attention, please?
Yeah. Cyprus-rhodes
football rules!
Get him!
This way! Let's go!
- No!
- Shh! Shush!
- Hey, how did you get in?
- I lost 'em.
Now let's do this before
they realize we're here.
Oh, no.
Omega chi got here first.
We took the goat.
Good luck at the game. CRU.
Settle, bitch. Save some
for the rest of us.
- Heather's the belle of the ball.
- You must be so proud.
Cal.
Ooh, right. See ya!
Look, I know you're still probably
freaking out about the whole stripper,
- test-seller thing.
- A little bit.
I'm sorry, I just
didn't know how to react.
I get it.
I should've told you.
I was just afraid you'd break up
with me if you found out about it.
Are you gonna break up with me?
- I don't want to, heath.
- Then, don't.
Look, I know you're this
smart, amazing, together guy,
and I'm... me,
the guy who likes twilight
and the berenstain bear books.
But that doesn't mean we can't
enjoy being together, right?
You know, I'm not as together
as you think I am.
The reason I didn't tell you I didn't have
a major was because I was embarrassed.
I didn't want you
to think I was a... loser.
I could never think
that about you.
And for the record,
I think you're a great guy.
Then let's both be honest, about it all.
The good, the bad...
I love you.
I love you, too.
Wow, this honesty thing
is awesome!
Yeah, I love my big, gay,
test-selling, ex-stripper boyfriend.
And I love my boyfriend
with no major.
Yeah, mine's much worse.
- How the hell did Dale do it? - Have I ever
told you about my irrational fear of baby cows?
You mean calves?
Dale must've had help.
You think he had an inside man?
Rusty, they're gone.
Let's just leave before we get caught.
You're right. And you're right
to want cappie as a big brother.
When I was a freshman, cappie gave
men amazing college experience.
You deserve that, too.
You deserve the original, not the second-rate...
...The remake.
The Thomas crown affair.
The one with Pierce Brosnan?
I kinda like that movie.
Yeah, Dale was watching
that earlier.
Pierce Brosnan got the
painting out of the museum...
By hiding it in plain sight.
Jackpot. Ok, it's ok!
It's ok.
Come on.
Come on!
Out of the way, out of the way.
- Right out this door.
- Hey!
- Hey, that's our goat!
- Hey, that's our goat!
Get the goat!
Get 'em!
If you add up all
my CRU tuition money,
you actually owe me, like,
thousands of gin and tonics.
All right.
- Whoa! Sorry.
- Oh! Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.
That was my totally my fault.
- It's all right.
- Oh, you're Casey's scary Professor.
- Scary?
- I mean... scary smart.
Ok. Um...
Well...
Whatever happened
to miss Cartwright?
Um, well, we kind of
got in a fight.
She wants me to take this crappy job
and face my reality, or whatever.
You know, when I left
college back in 1990,
- I was in construction.
- Oh, really?
- I was two.
- You work construction, too?
No. I was... two years old.
Right. Anyway, it was
a tough time for me.
I'd invested in this big education,
so why was I shoveling cement?
- So, why were you?
- Survival.
People who can survive are ready
when obstacles come their way.
Like my father said,
"never look down into the chasm.
Keep your eyes
on the horizon."
He also said, "never
leave a party before the bartender."
Can I buy you a drink?
Yeah, I would love one.
- Professor.
- Call me Simon.
Ok. Simon.
Thanks.
Hey, you seen cappie?
Where's cappie?
- Oh, cap!
- Yo!
Well? Really?
Oh!
- Oh, my...
- Wow.
Can I have everyone's
attention, please?
I am proud to announce that our
very own spitter and pledge spidey
have successfully stolen the a&m goat!
- So? What do you think?
- Not bad, kiddo.
So now that we have our pledge back, it's
time for the kt big brother ceremony!
For his big brother,
pledge spidey has chosen...
Rusty Cartwright.
- Was this because of the goat?
- No.
Cappie's cool, but you're cool,
and a nerd. You're the...
- The amalgam?
- Yes!
- Like I hope to be some day.
- Ah, man, that's cool.
I won't let you down.
You're well on your way, pledge.
- All right.
- Let's go find that ice luge.
Let's get belligerent.
Hey, Casey.
Looking for cappie?
No, I'm looking for this.
Ooh...
- Hey, someone turn
the music back on! - Wow.
Gettinthis, man?
They're gonna be so mad.
What's up?
Oh, that's a good one.
I love your mouth right now!
I really need a boyfriend, asap.
I already have one,
so why am I here?
I'm not this person anymore.
I'm gonna go see
my awesome boyfriend.
I'm gonna go
cry myself to sleep.
Wow! That doesn't go down
like it used to.
Oh, you're doing fine.
Wow...
- How do you do it, anyway?
- What?
How does a middle-aged man drink
really cheap Tequila without dying?
No, how do you exist
in the real world without...
Yes, dying, inside.
Metaphorically speaking.
Cappie, the real world is
just a place with people in it.
It's not out to get you.
You're smart,
you know who you are.
So have a little faith
in yourself, ok?
Here is my card. Whenever you
do leave this backyard,
it'd be good to have a friend.
Think of me as your
real world big brother.
Casey?
- What are you doing here? - I'm having fun.
What's it look like, slappy?
- Maybe you're having too much fun.
- I deserve this.
Even Rebecca agrees.
Now, where's the keg?
Ok, no more kegs.
Let me take you home. Come on.
- Oh, come on.
- No, no. Come on.
Oh, fine.
Wow, I cannot believe you wasted
that outfit on a kt party.
How was it?
- Heather did not disappoint.
- Mm-hmm.
- But... I missed my boyfriend.
- I missed my girlfriend.
- How was your night?
- It was incredible.
- That's great. - Yeah.
Segal and I bro'd out like crazy.
He even introduced me to an
Ohio state supreme court judge.
I felt like a
real lawyer the whole night.
Hm. Maybe we can play a little
lawyer interrogating his witness.
Uh, not tonight,
babe. I'm just so exhausted.
You mind if we just go to bed?
Ash? I thought
of another thing!
- Ok, whoa, whoa. Come on.
- Whoa. She's not here.
- Thank God.
- Yeah.
There we go.
Wait.
Wh...?
- We can't. We're drunk.
- Shh...
What are we doing?
What is this?
It's a fairy tale.