Greek (2007–2011): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Half-Naked Gun - full transcript

Previously on Greek...

- what are the guns for?
- It's for gotcha, the assassin game.

The object of the game
is to eliminate your assigned target.

- We kissed. That was it.
- Yeah, at a KT party.

We're just gonna have to be better
and try to keep it quiet

if this continues.

I didn't kiss Evan at the {\end of the world }party.

- I kissed Fisher.
- What?

- I'm such an idiot.
- How can I trust you again?

I can't.

Wait, I have a question.



Yes, I've been tested.

- Everything's positive.
- What?

I mean negative.

I mean in a positive way.

- Dale's not gonna walk in on us, right?
- No.

I mean I guess he could.

- He probably won't.
- Well, are you sure?

Because the whole my dad walking in
on us thing kind of freaked me out.

OK. We can go to my room.

- I gotta go to my lab session.
- Are you serious?

But if we make it quick...

Yeah, rushing things,

- not so romantic.
- We don't...

We could skip ahead a few steps.



That's rushing things.

You know, we've waited this long,

so why hurry now, right?

Right.

I have somewhere to be, anyway.

But believe me, it's gonna happen.

Oh, reminder, reminder: there

are only four more gym days
until Friday's undie run.

It's the titans' game against state,
and what better way to show our support

than running around campus in...

very little support.

I did two sessions
of bikram yoga today.

I sweated out a small child

and I think I pulled my core.

What are those?

- Just some cookies.
- That we won't be eating.

I don't know
why he brought those out.

But that does remind me
of some old business:

Fisher and I broke up because
he made out with someone at the{\ end of the world} party

whose name isn't worth saying.

You.

Activities report.

The gotcha game is down
to roughly 20 people,

including three zeta betas.
The prize money's nice,

but what we really want are points
towards the greek blue ribbon,

which is handed out every spring
to the best house on campus.

So I'm trying really hard
to make that happen

because, as you know, I love
zeta beta zeta

- and all my beautiful sisters.
- Thank you...

you.

Pledge educator.

Not much this week.

The pledges are still pledge-y.

Pan-hellenic delegate? Any juicy goss
from our governing sorority body?

First, the board gave a report.

Then they proposed doing an ice cream
social with a different flavor

for each house,
which I said was a lame idea.

But they said it'd be fun, so I told
those bitches it was a waste of money.

But those bitches wouldn't listen,
so that's when I said,

"bite me," and walked out.

Bitches.

Well, this feels
like a good place to stop.

Happy undie run training.

I think need to replace Laura.
She's burnt out on pan-hellenic.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

Your report was a little sparse.

I'm so bored with the pledges.

I'm a senior. I should
be doing something more.

Last week, my father said
the world better watch out for me.

And I'm thinking, why?
Because of my ability to name

every guy Carrie Bradshaw
has slept with in season order?

- I've always admired that.
- You know,

I could do pan-hellenic.
What do you think?

I think yeah!

Do you think Laura would be OK?

Laura, is it OK
if Casey does pan-hellenic?

Tell those bitches
I'll see them in hell.

Sounds like a yes to me.

Jordan's dad walked in on us,
which was horrible.

Horribly funny.
Sorry.

Then we kept getting interrupted,
and now...

it feels like we're past that point
of sex occurring naturally.

We're slipping
back into the friend zone.

You want me to talk to her?

She's in Pierson hall, right?

What about you and Grant?
You guys haven't done it yet either.

Boxing rules are still in effect:

nothing below the belt.

All we want is a romantic date.

Don't you share a room?

We're living in a fraternity house.

We might as well not have any doors.

Anyway, the new plan is to wait

till everyone goes
o the date dash at Dobler's tonight,

and then break out
the popcorn and a movie.

{\I see }You're still playing the gotcha game.
You're not the jackass

everyone's talking about?

It's the jackal, OK?

And yes, I'm still playing.
And no, I'm not him,

I wouldn't mind taking him out.
I heard he already has nine kills.

I've been so busy with classes,
I haven't even opened my envelope yet.

What? How the hell
has nobody killed you yet?

Rusty, you gotta get in the game!
Open your envelope right now.

I don't even have a gun.

What do they look like?

Check this out.

What{\ the hell} was that?

You've had me the whole time?

Your envelope... please.

No wonder you were asking about her.

- Jordan's your target.
- Correction: your target.

Good luck doing it now.

- Are you covering for Laura?
- I am.

And I'm sorry

she told you to, "bite me."

So she cleaned it up
for you guys then.

I'm really surprised to see you here.
You sort of fell off the grid.

What have you been up to?

I'm sure you heard
about me and Evan.

And then I was dating this grad student,
Max, but we broke up.

So it's been kind of more or less...

- You may...
- Riveting.

Really.

Got it, yeah.

I, as president,
note that everyone is here.

Please mark that in the book.

Moving on, I'd like
to introduce Casey Cartwright,

former zbz president,
who just had an amazing internship

with maryland's 43rd district
congresswoman, Paula Baker.

I hope this won't
be a one-day visit with us.

Moving on.

- It's your birthday!
- Yes{\, it is}.

- Happy birthday.
- Where was the reminder e-mail?

Maybe next year. Moving on.

Update on the library expansion?

Well, the early construction

could be a nuisance to the row,

but I think we can obtain
and enforce 8am permits.

So, I'll get back to you, Kat.

Moving on. I wanna remind everyone
about our meeting

with the ifc tomorrow
to decide whether or not

we are gonna participate
in the undie run.

Comments?

I just have to say
that I love the undie run.

Everyone loves the undie run.
And for some of us

who are seniors,
it's our last chance to do it.

So... Yay.

OK. I appreciate
your enthusiasm, ZBZ.

We'll take that
into careful consideration.

Moving on...

92,

93,

94,

95...

- What are you guys counting?
- Seconds, Rus.

95...

- For what?
- ... ninety-six.

Five for five.

I wish I had
a few good men like you, Beav.

- Thanks.
- Too bad you're the last KT standing.

Actually, beaver is not

- the only kappa tau left.
- Old news, Rus.

Jeremy got taken out today
at 0800 hours

while he was chatting up
a hot Tri-Pi.

- Turns out it was a honey-trap.
- -We all know what a talker Jeremy is.

I meant me.

I'm still alive.

That's funny.

You're being...

Funny.

Seriously?
How are you still alive?

I don't know.

I've been in the mitchell physics
library, the McGovern science lab

and hart engineering building.

I've never heard
of any of those places.

Exactly.
Do you know what this means?

That I'm kinda awesome?

No, that being a geek
saved your life.

You're one of our last hopes
of winning the $500 grand prize.

The KT party budget
is woefully overdrawn. We need this.

Welcome to Kappa force.

- There's one problem.
- You're slow afoot and you can't shoot?

No, Jordan's my target.

Awkward, but easy.
Just get it done.

I'm on it.

He's so young, Cap.

- And The Jackal's still out there.
- Indeed, Beav.

The beginning of the end...

... is starting.

Now.

Again.

This summer.

I'm gonna go again.

So much fun, you guys.
I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

Well, anything beats
the "bite me" girl.

Hold that, please.

When's your next lab session?

In five minutes.

You know, this is the best part
about us waiting.

I feel really safe with you.

I don't know. Between my crazy dad
and your crazy schedule,

I hope you don't think
I don't want to.

You do want to?

I didn't want to rush you
but I didn't want to end up

in the friend zone either.

You seriously thought that?

We were friends before,

and we have been dating
since mid-terms.

I figured if it was something that
you wanted, it would have already...

OK. Rusty? Just so you know,

I rarely try to swallow
my friends' tongues.

Good to know.

And trust me,

I want to do more.

Tomorrow night?

Sounds perfect.

All clear.

- They're gone.
- All right.

Gay film festival time.

Which Hugh Jackman movie
should we watch?

Wolverine, Australia

or Kate & Leopold?

K & L.

But you hate that one.

If you kiss me, I will consider it.

- I saw your light on.
- You're here!

- I'm here.
- We're here.

Why the hell aren't you at Dobler's?

I just had other plans.

And you?

You know,
we're just both taking it easy tonight.

I have to study.

You're watching a movie.

Yes.

After the movie.

You guys are watching
Kate & Leopold?

I love this movie.

- Seriously?
- No.

No. Let's watch Wolverine.

Great.

It's got Hugh Jackman.

Yeah, he's pretty bad-ass.

Why are the girls so grumpy?

They're just hungry
because of the Undie Run.

Cabbage soup isn't very filling.

Or aromatic, Betsy.

Stay out of my life, Ashleigh!

So,

ask me about Pan-hellenic.

How was pan-hellenic?

Awesome. I haven't felt this involved
since I was president.

The only bummer
was running into Evan.

I totally get it.
It is impossible to be around your ex.

Why can't they just
get the hint and go away?

I honestly believed that I'd be

Casey Cartwright-Chambers one day,

and now I haven't even spoken to him
in over six months.

Someone doesn't care
what they look like at the Undie Run.

Because we can't go.

- Shut up!
- What?

Those bitches on Pan-hellenic
voted to dock

three blue ribbon points from any house
whose girls do the Undie Run.

- I'm still on their e-mail list.
- Those bitches!

Thank you. Finally,
someone who understands.

Katherine has been
turning people against it

ever since she became president.

I can't let us run
if we're gonna lose blue ribbon points.

No! I do not go to the gym
five days a week for my health!

Laura, stop eating!

There's a meeting tomorrow.
I can fix this.

I did everything right, Cap.

I exited the house
through the back gate,

I looked over my shoulder
every eight seconds,

I even left class
an hour early every day.

Aren't most classes
only an hour long?

What's your point, Heath?

Give us a minute.

What happened?

These happened, Rus.

Free drink tickets to Dobler's.
All fake.

They showed up for Beaver in the mail
and when he went to redeem them,

he was shot.

- By The Jackal.
- No. Who was it?

Tell him, Cap.

Tell him who shot me.
I would, but I'm dead.

I think rusty should see these
for himself.

- They're pretty realistic.
- Yeah.

Kinda like an art student did them,
don't you think?

Do you know any, Rus?

- No!
- Yes!

The Jackal is Jordan...

... is The Jackal.

- I'm still waiting on that beer.
- Rusty's gonna get it to you, Beav,

because if he'd shot Jordan
like he was supposed to,

none of this would have happened.
Why didn't you eliminate her last night?

- I didn't know she was The Jackal.
- Kicking ass at it does, Rus.

You're Kappa Tau's last hope.

- When do you see jordan next?
- Tonight.

- But I can't shoot her.
- And why not?

Because...

Rus, my spidey-sense is tingling.

You haven't had sex with her yet.

No, but...

- We have this romantic dinner. As...
- It's a trap.

Numbers are dwindling.

You need to kill her
before she eventually gets you.

- I want to have sex with her.
- Kill her, then have sex with her.

It's the KT way.

I didn't mean that.

Well, kill her at least.

Which is why we,
the IFC fraternities,

unanimously support all greeks
participating in this event.

We'll be there with bells on.
And not much else. Thank you.

We, at Pan-hellenic, are deducting
blue ribbon points from sorities

whose sisters choose to participate.

We were unanimous

in voting against the undie run because
of the negative image it promotes.

- Point of order?
- ZBZ?

Actually, the truth is
we're not really unanimous.

ZBZ fully supports it.

Yes, a couple thousand college kids

running around in their underwear
is a little racy,

but it's a 60-year-old tradition
that fosters school spirit and unity.

Can I have your attention
directed over here, please?

No, this is not an abercrombie ad.

It's two of our own inebriated greeks
showing their...

What did you call it, ZBZ?
School spirit?

Here's some KTs
defiling university property.

Actually, can I get a copy of that
when you're done with it?

But they're just guys
being guys, right?

Here's one that sets us
sorority women back 50 years.

I pulled this from facebook.

This girl is the ZBZ president,
believe it or not.

That bra might
as well say "Grope me."

Attention back on me.

So while running around in our underwear
might have been in vogue in the'60s,

I think those of us
who are not in fraternities

can all agree
that we should not participate

in this embarrassing event.

You love the Undie Run.
Will you please say something?

You're a TP. You take off your clothes
for a grocery store grand opening.

Look, don't do this. Don't...

Don't ruin our fun
just to prove a point.

Moving on, ZBZ.

No, you don't understand. We were
making out when Evan walked in on us.

I mean it's a miracle
we didn't get caught.

Why don't you just rent a hotel room
and do it already?

Because it's not about
just having sex.

I mean. Not yet, anyway.

It's about dating someone
who's not out of the closet,

made even more difficult
because the closet is in our room.

So get out of your room.

Yeah. And go where?

Dobler's isn't private, and we can't be
seen leaving gentlemen's choice.

- Which?
- Gay one. I refuse to go to the other.

Which leaves no safe place
to hide grant's gayness.

In Cyprus.

I had no idea
you were such a gourmet.

KT has food network
viewing parties now.

I think Cappie has an oedipal thing
for Paula Deen.

I'm ready.

Get down!

I knew it! Jackal!

Cappie was here the whole time?

You didn't trust me!

You tried to shoot me.

- Rebecca? Why are you here?
- I thought

vampires couldn't enter
without permission.

- Good one.
- I'm protecting you.

- Did you do it?
- If you mean them having sex, no.

If you mean her shooting him, no.

If you mean Jordan peeing herself
when I jumped out, maybe.

And you look hot.

- Thanks.
- So you're The Jackal.

Which makes me the jackass.

This was all a big lie
so you could eliminate me?

No. I meant what I said
about being ready.

Go spin your web of lies
somewhere else, black widow.

Or should I say, The Jackal!

Again!

And Katherine's like, "That's why
we shouldn't be doing this

exercise. Moving on."

You know what I should have said?
"Maybe if the girls in your house

exercised, it wouldn't be
so embarrassing."

- Right for the jugular.
- Yes.

If you had said it.

Docking blue ribbon points
because we're hot is totally sexist.

Keep looking.
We need to find a way

to override the Pan-hellenic
board's vote on the Undie Run.

The undie run is about freedom.

It's about america and stuff.

Which is perfect because I've the cutest
american flag underwear for the run.

Or had.

If Harry Potter can flash
his wand inequus,

We should be able to show off
our undies without punishment.

Not to mention, we're seniors.

When else are we gonna run around
in public in our underwear?

- They're bringing back lilith fair.
- Here we go.

We can override the board's decision
with a petition

that has 500 sorority signatures.

Yeah. How are we gonna get
500 signatures by tomorrow?

Katherine may have brains
and the support of Pan-hellenic

and a really, really nice laptop,

but I have a plan.

I need a favor.

Really?

We've been ignoring each other
for the past six months,

and now you tell me that?

- I think it's the least you can do.
- Interesting.

I should care what you think, why?

You cared enough to buy off my ex.

- Nice pull, Case. Door's that way.
- OK, that was uncalled for.

This isn't about us.
It's about the Undie Run.

Which sounds ridiculous that I'm even
saying it with that much importance, but

I know most sororities
want to do it.

A mob of half-naked sority girls?

Pretty sure we can get behind that.

Have you been hanging out
with Cappie or something?

No.

Come on.

So, what do you need me to do?

Put down your fork
and take off your clothes.

Save the Undie Run.

Save the Undie Run for the sorority.

Save the Undie Run. Thank you.

Save the Undie Run.

You're literally down to
your last pair of shorts.

Are you looking for more work?

Do you need another fake boyfriend?

Actually, you're the closest thing
to a friend I have left.

Pretty much the whole house
is mad at me for what I did to Ashleigh.

And...

Maybe they have a point.

- But I'm working on it.
- We all make mistakes.

Move along, Becks.
We need signatures.

- Later, rich kid.
- Yeah, see ya.

I really appreciate
you doing this for me.

I'm just here for the cause.

- Status report.
- Chicken legs is safe and secure, Sir.

- But he looks a little melancholy. Sir!
- Thank you, pledge.

Melancholy?

How could I not know
my own girlfriend was the jackal?

We figured it out in time.

The important thing now is that
you two are the last ones standing.

You need to do her
before she does you.

With your weapon, I mean.

That shoots. Darts.

- I got it.
- OK.

You date someone,
you think you know them,

but it turns out you don't.

And conveniently, it's easier to shoot
a total stranger than someone you know.

Maybe.

Because some people are hunters

and some people are gathers.

Now, which people are you?

A hunter.

A mean hunter.
And what do you hunt?

- Jackals.
- That's right.

Spitters hunt jackals.

So, what do we need?

Guns.

Lots of guns.

Spitter, no KT has ever done
anything like this before.

I know.

That's why it's gonna work.

I couldn't have asked
for a better first date.

Well, the 60-mile drive wasn't ideal,
but the company is.

So how about dessert?

On the house.
I told 'em it was your birthday.

It's your birthday
it happens once a year

It's your birthday
it's time for lots of cheer

it's your birthday
enjoy your special day

it's your birthday
so be happy and be gay

happy birthday.

And grant?

I'd blow out my candle,
but I can't breathe.

Chicken legs one, you ready to rock?

Like a baby in a treetop.

You got a green light on the jackal.

Taking my shot.

What was that?

- Damn!
- Get her, Rus! Fire! Fire!

Ambush! Get behind the bench!

Wanna party?

I'm out!

Did you get her?

He's out of darts.

Barf. Let's boogie.

Did you even open your eyes?

Is the bluetooth necessary?

- What's this?
- Six-hundred and 88 signatures

overriding your vote to bar
sororities from the undie run.

No matter what you think,
people want this.

You can check the signatures
for authenticity if you want.

No need.

It would probably take a long
time since there's so many.

I guess you got what you wanted.

It's not just what I wanted.

It's what everyone
who signed my petion wants.

Some college kids want to do
drugs, but that doesn't mean

we should sponsor it, should we?

You're comparing drugs to underwear?

Absolutely. They both give sorities
a bad name.

Watch. They're gonna broadcast
the run on some tv show,

we're all gonna look whorish.
But moving on...

You just can't accept that I won.

If winning means staking
your reputation on some

stupid and meaningless event
that reinforces

every negative stereotype
about the greek system,

then yes, I guess you won.

People will think what they think.

An undie run won't change that.

But it won't help.

The sad part is we were all
wondering what Casey Cartwright,

former zbz president and congressional
intern, was gonna do next.

And now we know.

It's underpants.

So congratulations on your
return to politics, zbz.

You should be proud.

Tell me about your cheesecake?

I'd love to, Cal, but I got fired

for not singing you
happy birthday properly.

I gave up my trust fund.

My parents cut me off,
and now I'm flat broke.

And that's it.

That's my secret,

- what about yours?
- OK. Look, don't worry.

We're not gonna fly a rainbow
flag off the house or anything.

Grant's not even out yet,

which is sort of
why we went a town over.

I didn't even know he was in.

How long have you guys
been... Doing it?

Believe it or not,

gay relationships are more than just...
You know?

Right.

There's real feelings and emotions,

so I'm trying to find those
before the other stuff.

I get that.

But why can't you guys
just date in your room?

Swat raid! Everybody down!

Look at your faces!

I see.

How's it feel to be a hero?

Not as heroic as I expected.

No, don't do the
wholedark knightthing,

where you've saved the world
but you're all angsty in the end.

It's fine. It's just
something Katherine said to me.

Maybe the undie run
isn't the best message.

It's not supposed to be a message.
It's supposed to be fun.

- Why are you doubting this?
- With Katherine,

this feels
like Washington all over again.

I think she thinks i'm elle woods.

Who cares what Katherine thinks?

- It's a huge victory, right?
- Yes. For us

and the economy.

You single-handedly stimulated
the local undergarment industry.

- Obama can't say that.
- Exactly.

I don't need Katherine's approval.

It's your senior year.

If pan-hellenic's so annoying,
just screw it.

Drop out and I'll put Laura back.

You know what? You're right.
Pan-hellenic can bite me.

I'm glad you're here.

We need to figure this out.

It was smart of Rebecca
to set us up like this.

Stop acting like I'm
some stranger on a blind date.

- You tried to shoot me, too.
- Which is why it is important

to settle this diplomatically...
Jackal.

I just want to be alone with you.

I was thinking the same thing.

Enough of the mushy crap.

Rusty, just give up.
You're never gonna kill Jordan.

You're like dick cheney,
and she's a quail.

OK, maybe Spitter can't shoot her
but he can outlive her.

We'll just move him into the kt
house until this is all over.

He could be there forever.

Or, you know, at least
until he graduates.

Wait a minute.

- I want to be with her.
- She went after you, Rus.

Don't be Rihanna.
Don't be that girl.

- I want to be with you, too.
- You want to sleep with Rusty?

You should turn
that toy gun on yourself.

- I refuse to fight any longer.
- Yeah. Me, too.

You know what? I'm sorry

but I'm placing
you in protective custody. Let's go.

Wait!

- Barf.
- Barf!

Hold that, please.

Thanks.

Nice work saving the undie run.

Some people didn't think so.

That's why
i'm quitting pan-hellenic.

Really?

I thought that suited you.

My big victory is a dash
across campus virtually naked.

I liked it.

But Katherine doesn't.

And she's right.

But how do you
make something meaningful

out of a bunch of people
running around without clothes?

You coming?

I made your favorite, Rus.

Grilled cheese and spam.

Lock down! Lock down!

Chicken legs one has flown the coop!

I thought we could try this again.

No schedule, no dads, no bodyguards.

Just the two of us.

One question:

we're definitely not
playing the game, right?

No. Why, are you?

No. Are you?

Wanna frisk me?

I just said I trust you.

Let me grab some forks.

- Two forks.
- Yeah.

They go great with food.

That reminds me.

A candle.

I thought a little ambient
lighting would be nice.

You seem nervous.

Not really. If you could just

stop with the sudden moves.

If you kept your hands where I can't
see them, I wouldn't have to.

I'm not doing anything.

Oh, my god, you're still playing.

Only because you are.

- You didn't deny it!
- Neither did you!

I knew it!

Rug burn!

This is so stupid!
I just want to be with you.

Throw down your gun and come out.

Why should I throw down mine?
You throw down yours.

What's going on?

Evan had some stuff stolen
from his room.

So he's having new locks
put on all the doors.

Off of one break-in
that I've never heard of.

He wants us to be safe.

So maybe later we could watch,

- Kate & Leopold?
- Yeah, we're still not watching that.

A little something
for the run, ladies.

To keep you energized.

OK, enough.

Enough what?
I'm just trying to be nice.

- I even shaved for you.
- Stop! Stop being nice.

No matter what I do,
you're still here.

- Why haven't you just quit?
- I'm not giving up.

Only because I have
to carbo-load for the run.

Everybody, keep your clothes on!

Not again!

I guess all we needed were guns

and betrayal to get
over the hump hump.

I'm disappointed, though.

Really?

- Oh, no. That was great.
- Thank god.

It's the game.

I'm sad it's over.

It was kind of fun.

- It's not over.
- It is now,

sucker!

Zbz wins.

You're not mad, are you?

Your dad could walk in
and I could not care less.

Chicken legs one,
are you in there? Are you alive?

No, I'm dead and I'm loving it.

Go away!

You wanna do it again, jackal?

Yes... Chicken legs one.

Pop quiz, hotshot.
Which is better: having sex

with Jordan or shooting her and
winning beer money for your brothers?

If she had a square jaw and biceps.

I know. We haven't had
a debate this lively since

"what's the difference between
a chipmunk and a squirrel?"

Remember?

Oh, my god! We won gotcha!

Oh, my god!
How did that happen?

Thanks to me keeping
Jordan alive all week,

she was able to
shoot Rusty and then they...

Never mind. We won!

This'll totally help us
with greek blue ribbon.

Does this also help you
with my "nameless slut" thing?

Not at all, you.

Thank you, everyone, for
coming out to support our cru titans!

But before we show off
our school spirit,

please be sure to drop your clothing
into the boxes provided.

Every donation benefits the
local cyprus homeless shelter.

Ifc and pan-hellenic council,

thank you for your support.

- Congratulations, zbz.
- Thank you.

Are you happy now?

Does it matter to you how I feel?

- I guess not.
- Then why ask?

It's good for everyone.

It's good for the homeless.

And it's a good start for you.

So do you wanna...?

Yeah, no. I'm not doing that.

You did it! And it's all important.

- I guess everything turned out OK.
- Better than OK.

Jessica L. said she'd take
over pan-hellenic now that you've quit.

I'm not quitting.

I'm just getting started.

OK, then.

OK, everybody!

We're a couple of minutes away
from the 61st annual...

You're looking undie-tastic, case.

Nice to see you
kicking ass on pan-hellenic.

Watch out, world.

And you watch out for manholes.

Manholes?

Remember ladies, keep your hands to
yourself unless you're running past me.

On your mark.

Get set.