Greek (2007–2011): Season 2, Episode 4 - Gays, Ghosts, and Gamma Rays - full transcript

Previously on Greek...

With everything happening right now,
my parents' divorce,

my father's trial, Zeta Beta,

I need something more
than just fun.

I can step up and be that guy.

I know you can, Cap.
But just not for me.

- So, are we...?
- Broken up?

Yeah. I guess so.

I don't have a lot in common
with {/a bunch of}fraternity guys.

- I'm a fraternity guy.
- {/A fraternity guy}Interested in me.

It's different.



It's my credit card bill!

- Thirteen hundred?
- Dollars?

I have to get a job, Case.

Max, this is my sister, Casey.

We should get you out more.

Maybe. I don't know.
I... I gotta go, though.

Goodbye, Casey.

So, if the light we're seeing
is millions of years old,

then the stars might
already be dead.

But it's not just the stars

that are in the past.
It's everything.

Even you looking at me now.

So, you're not you?

No, I'm me.



But you're seeing me
one billionth of a second ago.

So...

everything is history

and relationships
are just memories.

Except for the light.

Which is in its own present,

our past and someone else's future.

The Hawking of Hearts.

You know what that means?

What? Why are you staring at me?

You were making out
with your pillow.

No, I wasn't!

Must have been an awesome dream.

You were drooling.

I don't drool!

Much.

All right. Lightning round.

Loves rainy sunday mornings,

is a Pisces,

and can't live without cuts two,
three and eight

from The Best of Sting.

- Ferret.
- He is such a romantic.

Afraid of apricots?

- Wingnut!
- That's Heath.

Heath is correct. Wingnut?

This active recognition test is
gonna be tough. I mean, likes,

dislikes, embarrassing secrets...

I know more about the actives
now than I ever wanted to know.

Except for this guy.
Joshua Whopper.

Isn't that the guy who's always
carrying a knife?

Whoever it is,
we better figure it out

or we're scrubbing toilets
until initiation.

Empty your wallets.

- Why?
- Lunch buffet.

You're shaking us down
for a strip club?

It's not just any strip club.
It's Gentlemen's Choice.

We need to make a Cappie trip.

Last time Cappie
went to the strip club

was when he was...
Oh, no.

No one mentions Rebecca.

Hey, Cap, so you broke up
with Reb...

You weren't supposed to...

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

- Why?
- Beaver.

- I'm fine.

So, I can get
my money back then?

Any last minute questions
on the active recognition test?

- ART's in two days.
- I have one.

I took the liberty of downloading
National's list of current actives.

Suck up.

There's an active on
the list no one has ever seen.

Or ever met.

Who's Joshua Whopper?

Extra points for being
industrious, Spitter,

but don't worry about him.
He's not on the test.

OK, yeah, but according
to the rules of the Arts,

each pledge must
know every active.

But not Joshua.

Trust me.

Leave the Whopper alone.

Greek 2x04
Gays, Ghosts and Gamma Rays

VO By :
Benj! & ?AkaZab?

Rebecca's been eating her feelings
since 7:00 this morning.

It's her second box of cereal.

I wonder if
she'll give away her clothes.

I wouldn't mind that
Marc Jacobs cocktail dress.

It was already
pretty tight on her.

She and Cappie broke up.

What?

Really?

Looking for a job is way harder
than I thought.

What about babysitting?

And what about your irrational
fear of little people?

Good point.

You know, I'm actually thinking
of hiring an astronomy tutor.

I could help.

- I love looking at the stars.
- That's what I thought

the class was going to be about
when I signed up for it.

But all we're learning about is

black holes, dark matter,

alternative universes.

- Why don't you drop it?
- I still need one science course

for general ed.

So, who do you think I can get
to help me?

Ivy took it last semester.

Ivy?

I think we're in a fight
or something.

What about Rusty?
He's science-y.

And that worked out
so well the last time.

Oh, wait. What about Max?

Max?

Rusty's friend Max.

He must know all about astronomy.
He worked for NASA or something I think.

- He's probably pretty busy.
- Yeah, you're right.

Still, it couldn't hurt to ask.

Thanks.

Joshua Whopper looks exactly
like Abraham Lincoln.

- You see the problem?

The 16th president of the United States
was a Kappa Tau?

Guys, get the fact that Abe
is about 200 years old

and was not a Kappa Tau.

This is a trap.

We have no idea
who Joshua Whopper is.

Which means,
when Cappie said, "Trust me,"

he probably meant, "Don't trust me."

Which means Josh Whopper

is going to be on
the active recognition test.

And after every one of us fails

we're going to be breaking out
the gas masks, Hazmat suits,

and we're gonna go
on porcelain patrol until initiation.

We gotta find the Whopper.

How do we do that?

We look for a guy
with a beard and a funny hat.

It's you.

Yes. And you're you?

You're probably wondering

what I'm doing here.

Would... Actually,
I was thinking about...

That's not really relevant now.
So...

I really need a tutor
for Intro to Astronomy.

And I know it's not
your major specifically,

but Rusty mentioned
you had some connection to NASA.

Which got me thinking...

I really need help
with the class.

Max... NASA...

So I'm here.

Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

It didn't go too well
with blackjack and Casino Night.

Well, I'm big on second chances.

Actually, I'm big
on third and fourth chances, too.

Could you do tonight?

8:00 here?

Sounds... intimate.

Well, it's just... where I live.

Excuse me, Miss Brown?

Sorry. I'm the new guy.

And I don't want
to be a nark or anything,

but I just saw a woman
from admissions

throw away her recycle bin
'cause she said she hated the Earth.

Was it Constance?
Big redhead?

Show me, please. Thank you.

I can't stand her.

I mean, who does that?

I've talked to her before
about this.

Password protected.

How long is this gonna
take you to hack in?

Well, with the 256 bit encryption
and double coded keys,

between two hours and never.

I need her password.

Uh... Jordan.

Sarah...

Arlo...

Hey, you know what I always do?

I always tape my password
to my top drawer.

No one does that anymore.

Password.

All right, we're in.

Joshua Whopper.

Physics 405,

English Lit 320, Chemistry 401.

Straight A's?

Wait a second.

There's a Kappa Tau
that's smarter than you?

Yeah, it appears so.

And he has a class tomorrow
at Lasker Parks Hall.

Let's go.

40 Year Old Virgin
is a masterpiece.

Although Knocked Up
runs a close second.

But don't you think
Judd Apatow's movies can be...

a little misogynistic,
kind of homophobic?

Was it the chest waxing thing?

No, it was the "you know
how I know you're gay" thing.

It objectifies gay life.

So now you're gonna
teach me about being gay?

If I recall, last night
I taught you a few things.

A point taken.

But how many other gay people
do you hang out with?

I mean, besides me?

Is that a trick question?

Fine. None.

Then you have to admit

that your world view
is slightly limited.

Which is...

why I was thinking we could go
to Gentlemen's Choice.

You want to go to a strip club?

No, the other Gentlemen's Choice.

The hottest... Well...

only gay bar in Cyprus.

We'll meet up with some of
my friends, we'll hang out.

Trash Judd Apatow...

You've never been to a gay bar,
have you?

I just don't really like tight
shirts and guys in Daisy Dukes.

Don't mock what you don't know.

Besides, that's not
Gentlemen's Choice.

Come on. It wouldn't hurt you
to actually hang out

with other gay people
every now and then.

Who knows. Maybe you'll
even meet a friend or two.

It's time to broaden
your horizons.

Spread my big gay wings?

So you break through the line and no one
touches you, you keep on rolling.

That's inertia.

That's Newton's first law of motion.

Then you power right through
an undersize fullback.

That's Newton's second law, force.

Hell, yeah.

OK. Then the third law.

You hit the quarterback,
knock him out cold.

For every action there is
an equal and opposite reaction.

Hell, yeah.

Max, I was hoping
to understand gamma ray bursts.

OK, yeah. That's a rocket

of electromagnetic energy
created by a collapsing star.

Kind of a good and bad thing
if one heads our way.

- Bad first.
- Well, the world would plunge

into darkness,
polar ice caps would melt

and deep sea creatures
would rule the earth.

And the good?

Well, no more student loans.

Got it.

But that would never happen, right?

No matter how invested you are
in your view of the universe,

you have to be prepared
for things to change.

Are we talking about gamma rays

or something else?

I don't know...

Maybe neither.

That's not something you see every day.

- What?
- Cappie on campus.

Dr. Shapiro?

If you have any questions
about today's lecture,

my office hours are this
afternoon from 3:00-5:00.

No, I'm fine with today's lecture.

Actually, I'm not even
in your class.

I just had a question
about one of your students.

I'm looking for Joshua Whopper.

It's a lecture class.

I don't know everyone individually.

Are you sure?

Well, anyone with an A

in my class doesn't come
to office hours.

Sorry, gentlemen.

Well, we're dead.

Cappie's gonna ask us
who Joshua Whopper is,

and we got zip.

Wait.

It's crazy.

What if Josh... No.

Cappie on campus...

Why are you talking to yourself?
I'm standing right here.

OK, Joshua's smart.

He's secretive.

He has dozens of majors.

He hangs out
at Lasker Parks Hall.

What if Joshua Whopper
is Cappie?

Wow. That sounds great.

- I'm gonna be a naturalist intern.
- You'll have to wear hiking boots.

So, how was your tutoring session?

I'm less confused about astronomy

and more confused about Max.

OK, here it goes.

I kind of like him.

Oh, he's cute.

Weird, but cute.

So, how was it?

Was it all gushy and romantic?

Or did he get all science-y
and weird?

Neither.

Both. I don't know.

Honestly, I'm not sure
what happened.

Wait. He's not just an Evan/Cappie
in a dork suit, is he?

No, that's the strange thing.
He's totally unlike Evan

or even Cappie.

Max is so far outside
my normal dating pool,

I can't read him at all.
It's like all the usual

fraternity/sonority dating rituals
have been tossed out the window.

We're{/, like,} from different planets.

You need a translator.

Someone who can speak
both Greek and geek.

French maid, hers.

Amazon princess, hers.

What happened with you and Rebecca?

We figured we were headed
in different directions,

so better to cut it off now
before anyone got hurt.

Devil temptress, hers.

Super chick. That's mine.

- Where are the bracelets?
- And you're OK?

You mean do I need to go and get
hammered at Gentlemen's Choice,

{/and} pay a bunch of naked girls to pretend
they love me? No. That sounds like fun.

You're not joshing me?

Nope. I'm not joshing you.

Oh, let's see.

Margaret Thatcher. Mine.

Margaret Thatcher was
one whopper of a prime minister?

Maybe she was listening
to Josh Groban,

watching Judge Wapner.

I'll bite.

I know who Joshua Whopper is.

- No. You don't.
- Oh, yeah, I do.

Dozens of majors,
secretive about his name,

smarter than he lets on

and he was walking out of
Lasker Parks Hall. I saw him.

He's you. You're him.

- Rusty, you don't want to go there.
- Why not?

I figured it out, didn't I?

{/Come on,}I know your real name.

You don't. Because if you dug
a little deeper, Nancy Drew,

you would have discovered
that Joshua Whopper

has been a student at CRU since 1984,

which just so happens was
a dark time for the Kappa Taus.

Thanks to the invention
of the microchip,

CRU was finally able
to track grades by computer.

And the administration began to enforce
Greek minimum grade point averages.

It didn't appear
that the Kts would survive.

The only person in the house
making grades was a pledge.

Lasker Parks, a computer science geek.

Lasker Parks? He invented the...

Uh, Spitter, don't interrupt.

So, Lasker enlisted
his pledge class for help.

They stole the password
to the university mainframe

and for their pledge project
they created Joshua Whopper,

a computer program.

A safeguard to ensure that
the Kts will never again

fall prey to grade standards.

Every semester the program
chooses random large classes

and enrolls Joshua Whopper
and awards him an A.

The less attention
Joshua Whopper gets, the better.

And don't tell
the pledges about him.

This is something you're supposed
to learn as an active.

Well, why do we even
need him? It's...

Have you seen our grades?

Without Josh they would have
shut us down years ago.

So, you understand why
this has to remain a secret?

Totally.

Oh. Hey, you forgot this.

Nope. That's mine.

So, it turns out a food service
coordinator is actually...

- The guy who makes the French fries.
- Exactly.

Which is why I told him I'd
go broke keeping my pores clean.

- I'm sure they understood.
- I know, right?

Plus, if I took the job I'd have
even less time to see you.

Yeah, I know. It has gotten pretty
intense with Michael and me.

I knew you guys would hit it off.

Hey, why don't we all
go to Dobler's tonight?

You treat this time and then
I'll pay when I get a...

Maybe...

Maybe I could be a bouncer.

I'm actually hanging out
with Michael tonight.

That's... good.

But you should come.

- Really?
- Yeah. I wouldn't mind the company.

We're going to Gentlemen's Choice.

- The strip club?
- No, the other one.

... is afraid of the color green,

has never eaten chicken,

and likes to chase geese?

- Jeremy.
- Dude,

do you honestly want
these guys to be your brothers?

I don't even know how most
of these kids got into CRU.

And what kind of parents
name their kid Ferret?

You promised not to disparage.

I'm sorry. I'm just not impressed,
that's all.

Here's a winner.
"Barks at parked cars."

- That's Pillbox.
- Sadly correct.

This guy has some promise.

Smart, stable,

good family life.
Real name?

I don't know. I give up.

Joshua Whopper.

- I think we're done.
- Who is this guy?

Is he smarter than me?

Hey, Casey. Just...

helping out your little brother here.
You know, 'cause I care.

Rusty, can I talk to you
for a sec?

- In private?
- Sure.

No, no.
You guys don't have to leave.

I'll just, uh,
listen to my music.

You know, meditate.

Expand my mind.

What's up?

There's someone on
the honors engineering floor

who I kind of like.

Here?

I kind of like...

Max.

I should warn him.

What do you mean?

'Cause you date
like Sherman marched, Casey.

With scorched Earth
and broken

spirits left in your wake.

OK, A: ouch, and B:

all I need you to do
is find out if he likes me.

- That's it.
- That's just way

too junior high dating strategy.

How would you know?

OK, A: ouch.

And B: because I read your diary.

Fine.

Please, Rusty.
Please, Rusty, please!

OK. Stop, stop.

All right, I'll do it.

I knew I could count on you,
little brother.

- I'm the best.
- Yes, you are.

Max? Really?

The guy's a freakin' loser.

Hi. I'm looking for Joshua Whopper.

Why would you...
Why would you need to do that?

I'm Claire Golan, Dr. Shapiro's TA,

and after some students came
to Dr. Shapiro looking for him

she checked her midterms.
His test is missing,

which means Dr. Shapiro's
gonna kill me.

Well, Claire, I'm sorry to hear that,
but it was nice knowing you.

Then she'll take it to the
Gender Studies Review Board,

then the Academic Review Board.

All those people will have to
meet Joshua Whopper?

Yes, they would. Unless
I can get this all cleared up.

Today's your lucky day, because...

- I'm Joshua Whopper.
- You are?

Great.

Then would tonight be OK, 9:00?

- Sure. For what?
- For the make up midterm.

While the material's still fresh?

Tonight, tonight?

That's so cool of you.
You're a total lifesaver.

Hey, Claire, I'm taking
two gender studies classes

with Dr. Shapiro.
Which one is this again?

The Phallus.

So, you're tutoring my sister now?

Yeah, we only did it once.

No, I mean tutoring.
I'm not... I didn't...

- I wasn't saying that...
- OK, thank you.

Good to know.

{/You know, }I've won a lot of awards
too, Max. A lot bigger than the...

National Science Foundation
gold medal.

Oh, that one. I assisted

Professor Lowy with his work
on fuel cell technology.

Dale, maybe you can answer this.
Why do they always

put the environmental awards
on the wooden plaques?

Nobody likes a show-off, Max.

But with all that studying and tutoring,
I bet you don't have much time to date.

No. Not really.

European Science Foundation
Legion of Honor?

Ah, the Neues Schloss Hotel
in Zurich is pretty cool.

It's hard to tell if they like you
as much as you like them.

So you test the waters...

Agreed.

Maybe... maybe it'd be smart to...

ask a family member.

See if the other person's interested...

For heaven's sake, will somebody
just say what they really mean?

Max, I demand to know
your intentions.

- Is he all right?
- Apparently not.

Who's that?

She's pretty. Is that your sister?

Girlfriend.

Thank you.

I don't get it.

I asked him to tutor me. Why didn't
he just say he had a girlfriend?

Why would he do that?

You're kidding, right?

Asking him to tutor me meant
I was interested in going out.

If he has a girlfriend
he should have said no.

What would you say if you just wanted
him to help you with your class?

That I wanted him to tutor me.

You really didn't pay very
close attention to my diary.

You know what? I'm bowing out
before this gets super complicated.

This is what you get
when you try to date amateurs.

Will you make sure Max gets it?

I owe him for an hour
of tutoring.

What's, uh...

OK, I'll be right there.

Looks like we have a 1066 here.

Serial killer?

Major crime alert.

I'm thinking of becoming
a student security officer.

Their uniforms are hideous.

OK, you know what you need?

A bigger spoon?

An evening out with me and Calvin
at Gentlemen's Choice.

- The strip club?
- No. The other one.

I'll take a pass.

I'm not in the mood to hang out
in a bar packed with guys.

But these guys are exactly
what you need.

Gay bars are tailor made
for depressed straight girls.

There's lots of great music,
hot guys that don't hit on you,

and all night they tell you
you're fabulous.

All right, lightning round.

Who said a male's masculinity
is defined by his relationship

with not only his but
a woman's phallatical display?

I have no idea,
but it sounds kind of he-she.

No offense, but we're screwed.

This books are scary thick

and I can't even wrap my head around
the class description in the syllabus.

"The thrust of the phallus

"is how perceptions of masculinity

"affect psycho, social and
interpersonal relationships."

Rusty, don't go soft on me.

Cap, I'm beat.

This class is really hard.

I just can't cram it in
fast enough.

All right.
We need a helping hand.

- Reach under those books.
- What are you thinking?

We get everybody in here,
we bang our heads together,

everyone pitches in.

If Joshua Whopper's going down
he's not taking the rest of us with him.

Clearly we've all taken
gender roles for granted.

I've never had
such clarity before.

Maybe we'd be better brothers

if we treated each other as sisters.

An open exchange of feelings.

Sadly,

it appears our phalluses
have led us astray.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

Now I know I have a heart...

... because it's breaking.

And, uh...

... I think I'm gonna miss you
most of all, Scarecrow.

I'm going with you.

Right. Sorry.

Hey, Beav, are you...

Are you crying?

Yes, and I don't care.

- But I didn't get you anything.
- Later. Just take a sip.

We were thinking about
going to the backyard,

just blowing some stuff up.

Yes!

Hey, Casey?

Sorry to bother you.

I came to return your check.

I can't cash it.

I had a feeling you weren't
going to make this easy.

- No, it's not...
- Look. I gave you a check.

It's yours. Do what you want.
Consider it a lovely parting gift.

Clearly, you have some issues.

You need to work them out
and I wish you luck with those.

No, Casey,

you didn't sign the bottom of it.

Right.

Great.

So I'll just get a pen, then.

Casey, wait.

And then he just left.
No, fled.

Fled is more the word.
He does that a lot.

He's so weird.
I don't even know why I care.

- Well, how was it?
- What?

The kiss?

It was...

great.

Really great.

Which pisses me off even more.

Why?

Because even with all those brains

he's just Evan in a dork suit.

He has a girlfriend, remember?

Well, maybe he's looking to turn
his twosome into a threesome.

Max? Please.

He's the sweetest...

... least corruptible guy
in the world.

It's always the quiet ones.

Well, then I'm just
gonna yell at him, Ash.

Perfect. Where are you going?

Calvin is meeting Rebecca and I at
Gentlemen's Choice. Do you want to come?

You're going with
Calvin to a strip club?

No, the other one.

What do you think?

It's not so scary.

Kind of nice.

And maybe you'll find another
gay guy on the planet to talk to.

Yeah. Chances of that are
highly unlikely.

I got it.

Heath.

Heath, this is my boyfriend, Michael.

Hi, Michael.

You guys know each other?

Yeah. I'm a Kappa Tau.

He's an Omega Chi.
We're like, locked in mortal combat.

Mortal enemies. I got it.

You want to go this way?

The plan was for you to hang
out with gay guys, not straight girls.

I know, but Ashleigh called
me and said Rebecca needed a pick-me-up.

Bad breakup.

Say no more.
Me and my buddies will handle it.

So,

where's Greg?

I don't know.
We broke up about a month ago.

- You broke up with Greg.
- Yeah.

- Can't we take the night off?
- Duty calls.

If straight guys weren't
so insensitive

then we wouldn't be left
to pick up the pieces.

But they are so this is
part of the job.

OK, go.

Oh, my God.

You two look so fabulous.

And crazy hot.

Are you gonna dance with me or

am I gonna have to call my friends
over for some help?

We'll dance.

See?

- First time here?
- Yeah, first time.

- What do you think?
- It's OK.

Michael wanted me
to make some new friends.

Preferably ones that
weren't into Judd Apatow.

- Know how I know you're gay?
- You're in Gentlemen's Choice.

Then Lacan stated
that man finds satisfaction

for his demand for love
in the relation with the woman.

And as much as the signifier

of the phallus constitutes her as giving
in love, which she does not have.

Yes. What about Furhagen?

The relationship between
man and woman

beyond the phallus is the very same
as the relationship

between the subject
and the real of its body.

Yes, yes. What about...?

You know, Spitter, the answer
to every question is the same.

The phallus half of the relationship
has a tendency to screw things up.

Cap?

I couldn't step up for Rebecca.

I couldn't change.

She need more.
She need real support and I couldn't

give it to her. So...

I miss her.

There you are.

Hey, tutor.

I just have one last question.

Did you think that kissing me
would make me somehow want you more?

Who do you think you are?

That's two questions.

Regardless of what you
might have heard,

I'm no longer about crazy,
dysfunctional triangles.

I'm not going to be a one man
girl to a guy who's a two girl man.

I mean, why can't anyone
just have a normal relationship?

Is that so difficult?

What would your girlfriend say
if she knew what you were up to?

She's not exactly my girlfriend anymore.

If she's not exactly your
girlfriend anymore, then

why would you call her
your girlfriend to Rusty? And

why do you keep a picture of her?

Did she break your heart
or something?

I get it. It's tough.

Trust me. I am the queen
of not letting go.

But you've got to move on.

My girlfriend's dead.

Good progress.

I know it seems harsh, but
admitting that she's dead to you is

the first step to moving on.

You know, I had to do the same
thing with my last boyfriend.

It's not like we don't
all have old ghosts.

My girlfriend,

she really is dead.

We met freshman year
in the dorms.

And then just before junior
year she discovered this

tiny lump on her neck.

That's when it started.

I'm sorry, Max.

When did she die?

About six months ago.

You know, when I was 17,
Rusty had this

cat that nobody liked.
Nobody except for him.

Except for him.

She was kind of a cross between
a Bengal and an

actual Bengal tiger.

The day I was nominated
for prom queen

I wanted to celebrate,

so I borrowed my

mom's car.

And I hadn't driven much,

so I was nervous.

Then when I pulled out
of the garage...

You drove over the cat.

And I just compared a dead cat
to your girlfriend who died of cancer.

It's just I've never...

... known anyone who died.

Except for Rusty's cat.

It's OK.

You're not the first
person who's done it.

Do people talk about cats?

I get a lot of different reactions
when I talk about her.

Which is

usually why I try to just avoid
the subject all together.

It's...

It's still tough.

You know?

And I guess that's why
I haven't really

gone out with anyone

since she died.

Got you.

I don't think now

is a good time.

And it's not you feeling weird.

It's me too.
I thought I would be over her,

ready to move on.

But the more I'm...

... more I'm around you,
the more I think of her.

And I just...

I like thinking about her.

Well,

maybe we should both
just say good night.

Good night, Max.

What is Beaver's favorite color?

Chartreuse.

Reminds me of beer.

Why do we call Brother Doug
"Corn Nuts?"

Myrtle Beach.

He went out for a salty ocean swim,

laid out naked and roasted his...

... corn nuts.

OK, last question, Pledge Spitter.

Cappie is your big brother.

Tell us something about him
that only you would know

that you've learned
in the last 24 hours.

Cappie's not Joshua Whopper.

They gout. My clean a bruder.

Turn around!

What do you want to do tonight?

I suppose watching Superbad
would be out of the question?

If you agree to go to a seminar
on queer musicology.

Yeah, I guess the Apatow
Dvds will stay in the closet.

Then how about Gentlemen's Choice?

- You know, I liked that.
- Yeah? I noticed.

You never mentioned
that you knew a Kappa Tau.

Heath? We...

... met during rush, you know.

It's no big deal.

Oh, my God. I got the job.

And you can start your first
exciting campus tour next week.

Oh, my god! I have a job!

I'm sorry for messing
things up with Joshua Whopper.

It's OK.

We can always depend on you.

You're the one who got the A
in Shapiro's make up exam.

I got lucky. It actually turned out
to be one of the best classes

- I've never taken.
- You know,

sometimes people can change.
It just takes the right person.

Even phalluses...

... can grow.

You should be ashamed of yourself,
Spittles.

To Joshua Whopper.

Too bad Joshua couldn't
make his own party.

After his

stellar showing of the phallus,

he's back to work
doing what he does best.

Making our house a little bit better.

Because Joshua Whopper embodies
the very best of Kappa Tau.

He's unselfish, dedicated

and he's always willing
to put his brothers first.

To Joshua Whopper.

Andromeda,

Pleiades...

... Orion's belt,

Big Dipper,

and...

Lyra.

Ashleigh said you might be here.

This is the only part
of the class I enjoy.

But after a while it
all starts looking the same.

The trick to the constellations
is to know the stories behind them.

Lyra's my favorite.

It was the musical instrument
of Orpheus,

the greatest musician
that ever lived.

I have all his CDs.

- Kidding.
- Do you know the story?

So, Orpheus loved one thing

more than music
and that was Eurydice,

the most beautiful girl
that ever lived.

But she died. She was poisoned.

And Orpheus could not
live without her.

So he went down to
Hades to bring her back.

The ruler of Hades agreed,
but there was a catch.

If he turned back to look
at her face she'd be gone forever.

Just before he got to the surface
he heard this rock crash behind him,

so he turned back to
see if she was all right.

And that was it.

The gates to the underworld
slammed shut

she was gone forever.

That's terrible.
What happened to him?

He...

He spent the rest of his life

wandering the Earth alone.

Do you want to take a look?

No.

I'm not turning back.