Gravity Falls (2012–2016): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Golf War - full transcript

Who wants Stan-cakes?

They're like pancakes, but they
probably have some of my hair in 'em.

Pass.

It's here! Oh, it's here! It's here!
It's here! It's here!

I've been waiting all morning

and it's finally here!

The Gravity Falls Gossiper
accepted my article

about summer fashion tips
for squirrels.

My picture is gonna be
in the newspaper!

"Pacifica Northwest declares
V-necks the look of the season."

What am I looking at here?



Wha-wha-what?

Looks like someone bought
their way to the front page.

Is it legal for a child
to wear that much make-up?

Ugh. Pacifica.

She always ruins everything.

Aww, cheer up, Mabel.

I mean, no one even reads
newspapers anymore.

Dudes!

V-neck season is upon us!

Who wants to help me get
ahead of the fashion curve?

I'm taking it one step further

with the W-neck!

Must. Follow.
Newspaper.

I need something to get
my mind off this.



MAN: ( on TV )
Looking for a distraction

from your horrible life?

Why, yes!

Victory.
Honor.

Destiny.
Mutton.

These old timey sounding words
are alive and well

at the Gravity Falls
Royal Discount Putt Hutt!

No mutton available
at snack shop.

Hey, Mabel,
you love mini-golf!

She's been amazing at it
since we were kids.

What do you say, Mabel?

We've had a stressful
couple of days.

How about
we take a break, huh?

Would kicking all our butts
at mini-golf cheer you up?

Maybe a little.

Come on, Mabel!
Victory!

Honor!

Destiny!

Mutton!

ALL: Victory! Honor!
Destiny! Mutton!

Victory! Honor!
Destiny! Mutton!

MAN: And the pig can look
after the house.

ALL: Ooh!

Ah, Mini-Golf.
The sport of mini-champions.

The grass is fake
but the fun is real.

There's something here
for everyone.

( Snickers )

Hey, you, stop!

Come back here!

Hey, those are
lewd hand gestures!

Focus, focus, and...

Don't worry, bro, you're still
"ext-roar-dinary"!

I'll take what I can get.

To the hip we go, and...

Wha--
How'd I get here?

Yes!

Holy smokes!

Someone in our family
actually has talent.

Grunkle Stan,
you ain't seen nothin' yet!

♪ She's so good, yeah ♪

♪ Lookin' to hit that ball ♪

♪ She's got the skills ♪

♪ Takin' it to the hole ♪

Guys, this is amazing.

If Mabel gets
a hole-in-one here,

she'll beat her
all time high score!

MABEL: You can do it, Mabel. Pretend
the ball is Pacifica's face.

( clanking )

Aw, nuts!

( Crowd exclaims )

( crowd murmuring )

Ah, don't worry about it, kid.
The thing's random.

Yeah, besides
the Bermuda's Triangle,

how mini golf works
is the world's greatest mystery.

As far as I'm concerned,

you're still better than
anyone else is Gravity--

( all gasp )

Oh, would you look at that?

I didn't know it was
"hobos golf free" day.

Pacifica!

Well, if it isn't
the Pines family.

Fat, old, lame, braces.

Soos, would it be wrong
to punch a child?

I've got this.

Hey, Pacifica, how's that whole
your-family-being-frauds thing

working out for you?

Great, actually.

That's the thing about money.

It makes problems go away.

Well, can't buy you skill.

You walked into the game
of the mini golf champion.

Sergei!

This is Sergei, my trainer.

The Sportlympics had
mini golf once.

I took gold!

So if you don't mind moving out of
the way of the professionals...

( bell ringing )

Enjoy second place.
Give her a hand, folks!

( Crowd chattering )

Oh, yeah?

Well, I want a rematch,
you-- you--

walking one dimensional bleached
blonde valley girl stereotype!

( Crowd gasps )

Like, let's do this.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Honk! Honk! Ow!

Stop at once!

The park is now closed
due to weather.

The King of Mini Golf
has spoken.

Oh, the King is down!

This isn't over.
You. Me. Midnight.

We'll see who's best.

I'll be here.

( Thunder crashing )

I'll be here.

Peh, peh!
Hair in my mouth. Peh!

( Sighs )

Time to scratch mini golf off
my talents list.

Aww, don't give up, Mabel.

Yeah, if you beat her at this, she
could never rag on you again.

Imagine it.

Um, the section for ugly
grandma clothes is over there.

Oh, yeah?

Well, the section for people who
lost at mini golf is over there!

We came as fast as we could.

We heard a little girl
got seriously burned!

TOGETHER: Oh!

I'm ruined!

Up top!

TOGETHER: Yay!

You're right, guys.

I just need to practice
a little more before midnight.

Go to the golf course
after dark, you say?

I don't know.
We'd have to break in and--

Just kidding!
Let's break in!

( Tires screeching )

Oh, and, hey, Mabel!

Knock her dead, kid.

( Windmill squeaking )

Darn!
Poo-peck-darn!

Ugh!
I don't get it!

What is wrong with this hole?

( Squeaking )

( thudding )

Did you hear that?

What?
What is it?

( Whispers )
Grab your club.

( Creatures humming )

( gasp )

( all screaming )

( all screaming )

( panting )

We good?
We good?

Hi! Hello! I'm Franz.
And welcome to our home.

What is this?

Yeah.

Are you guys tiny humans?
Or enormous mini-humans?

Neither.
We're lilli-putt-tians!

Lilli-- Lilli-putt...

The name makes more sense
written out than spoken.

And we control the balls!
Behold!

BOTH: Wow!

( Yodeling )

That's incredible!

And so needlessly complicated.

Aw, shucks.

It's only our
life-long passion!

Would you like us
to elaborate through song?

( Begins singing )

Nah, we're good.

( Sigh )

So what are you hugelings
doing here anyway?

We kind of have to play
this golf tournament

against my rival, Pacifica.

Oh, rivals.
Rivals, rivals.

Oh, we know all about rivals.

Put a clog in it,
ya windmill lubbers!

These really bottom popinjays are
terrible at controlling the balls!

We are the ball masters, says I!

( Pirates laughing
and cheering )

Shut your mouths,
you showboating pirates!

Everyone knows the Eiffel
Tower hole is the best!

Stay thee your comments,
ye scurrilous Frenchmen!

None controllable is better
than the knights of...

Wiener castle.

Who wrote this?

We'll settle
which hole is best!

Attack!

Charge!

Ooh, I'm shiverin'
in me timbers.

Get ready to die!

Long live the mini king!

Die, you evil scum!

Ow!

Yarr!

( Yells )

( quacking )

( screaming )

(laughs )

These guys are a riot.

Guys, guys, calm down.

Your fighting is
inadvertently adorable.

Adorable we are, hugeling,
but our tale, less so.

Every hole in the park thinks
that it's superior.

From the cowboys in the east to
the grimy minors of the south.

If only there was some way
to decide which side is best

with maybe an award or,
like a trophy.

I don't know.

But, Franz, look!

The sticker.
The sticker could decide!

It does say "the best" on it.

Decide for us, hugeling.

Choose which mini kingdom to give
the sticker to and end our war!

( Mini people cheering )

Uh,

I don't know, guys.

I'm not sure I want to get involved
in your weird mini blood feud.

Psst!

Mabel, this is perfect.

These guys control the course.

Just tell them
you'll give the sticker

to whichever group does
a better job of helping us win.

I'm not sure, Dipper.

I want to beat Pacifica, but
doesn't this seem like cheating?

Pacifica's rich, Mabel.
She's cheating at life.

Hmm.

( Blows horn )

Thanks, man.

People of the 18 holes!

We're going to have
a game of mini-golf!

And whoever does the best job
helping me win gets the sticker!

It'll be us, lass,
not these tulip munchers.

I will not be insulted

by a man with no depth
perception wearing earrings.

Just remember, as long as
you're helping me, no fighting.

Dude, I'm cutting
"W" s into all my shirts.

Got to give the public
what they want.

Well, the kids
are taking their time.

Looks like
it's gonna be a while.

( Romantic ballad
playing on radio )

Sure are a lot of stars
out tonight.

Well, this is gettin' weird.

Now remember, Pacifica,
winning is everything.

Oh, oh, and also looks.
Winning and looks.

Dad, I've been practicing for,
like, a millions hours, okay?

I've got this.

Pacifica, darling.
We have a party to go to.

We'll just read about
your victory in the paper.

Sergei!
( snaps fingers )

Oh, and whatever happens,
just remember one thing.

You're a Northwest.

Don't lose.

How much do you want to bet
they're no shows?

Looking for someone?

Waiting in the dark
and not creepy at all.

Seriously, though?

I don't know
why you bothered to come.

Oh, I guess you could say
we've got a little something.

Right? Right?

( laughs )

( giggle nervously )

Eighteen holes.
Standard rules.

Winner lives in glory.
Loser wallows in eternal shame.

On your mark,
get set, Mini golf!

What?

ALL: Yeehaw!

Out of my way!

( Grunts )

Are you serious?

( Cheering )

Yarr, I say!

( laughs )
Miner hole.

I wonder what cute silly things
are going on down there.

You can't go in there!
There's been a gas leak.

Anyone who goes in there
will die!

( Chattering )

I will take it.

No!

Don't go, Big Henry!
We need you!

Go home, Polly.

Ahem.

Come on, Big Henry.
You can do this.

( Groaning )

Aah! No!

Sergei! Soda! Now!

Okay, guys,
that was badonkulous!

Hey, hey.
Little high fives, everyone.

Little high fives all around.

Nice one. You did it.
You're the man!

I don't want to
call it out early,

but I think the Miners might have
one of these in their future.

( Miners cheering )

Are you kidding me?

After everything
we've worked for?

Calm yourself, Franz.

There may be another way
to win the hugelings' favor.

Knock on wood.

There's something going on,
Sergei.

Maybe they has little people
who control where balls go.

We got to get you
English lessons.

I mean, think about it.
I'm globally ranked.

It's ridiculous that
she's beating me.

Ugh, Pitt Cola.
I always forget about the pit.

Get me a different one,
Sergei.

Huh?

( Screams )

I can't wait to see the look on
Pacifica's face when we win.

I'm thinking it will be like...

You know how she does that?

Dipper, is it bad that I feel
good about her feeling bad?

Just enjoy your victory,
Mabel.

Trust me,
Pacifica will be fine.

( Pacifica screams )

What's going on here?
Let me go!

( Screaming )

What did I miss?

Let me go, you creeps!

Welcome, twins!
Welcome!

I can tell
you're loving this, right?

Right? No?

What are you guys doing?

This wasn't part of the deal,
tiny Dutchman!

Okay, so we saw you were favoring
the Miners and we figured,

what's better than
beating Pacifica?

Pfft!

Killing her, right?

As if.
I'm calling my parents.

Where is my phone?

( Giggling )

Send.

Hey, hey!

So how about it, hugeling?
Who's the best now?

PIRATE:
Not so fast, landlubbers!

If you're going to
play dirty, so are we.

Now give us the sticker
or he walks the plank.

No, give us the sticker!

The Miners!
The sticker's for the Miners!

Give it to us!
Give it to us!

Remember Big Henry!

Enough!

( Gasps )

You know what?
No one gets the sticker!

( Booing )

No. No. Nuh-uh.

No booing.
Stop. No.

No one gets the sticker
'cause you're all being jerks.

I mean,
why can't you just get along?

Because we hate each other.

That's kinda
how rivalries work, lass.

Well then maybe...

Maybe rivalries are dumb.

Maybe you don't settle them
with petty competitions.

Maybe the only way to be "the
best" is by ending the fighting

and working together!

( Gulps )

( mini people gasp
and murmur )

It's all so clear.

If we work together...

Then we can cut open her belly
and get the sticker.

Get the girl!
Slice her open!

You guys aren't appreciating
the lesson here!

ALL: Sticker!
Sticker! Sticker!

( Screaming )
Help!

We've got to get out of here!

I have to save Pacifica first!

After her!

Ah, Mr. Dipper!
Nyet! Nyet!

Don't freak out, man!
The water's shallow!

There is literally
no way to drown.

Seriously?

Ugh, took you long enough.
And watch the earrings!

They're worth
more than your house!

You know, on second thought,
maybe I won't untie you.

Untie me!
Untie me!

That's what I thought.

( Gasp )

We have you
on miniature pencilpoint.

There's no way around us.

You ready to putt?

Way ahead of you.

ALL: Huh?

Hey, you're actually
not that terrible.

A little rusty, but...

Just shut up and putt!

Get on! Get on!

Gun it!

Don't let them escape!

( Screaming )

( tires screeching )

Sergei overboard!

I'll get a new one.

They're shutting us in!

( Exclaims )

Don't even think about it.

You call yourself a golfer?

Without us, that club
is useless in your hands.

Oh yeah?
What's ten minus six?

Ten-- Hang on.

Fore!

( Bell ringing )

( tires squealing )

Stay out, you dumb hugelings!

( Shouting )
We're done with you.

What did you say,
you little trolls?

I will sue you.

I will sue you
and I will own you.

( Gasping )

You two.

I don't know what you did
or what's going on,

but if you think just
because you saved my life, I--

I'm sorry, Pacifica.

You totally would've
beat me fair and square.

You're just lucky this sticker
looks fantastic on me.

( Car approaching )

Hey!
You're parents aren't here.

You want a ride home?

Puh-leaze,
as if I'd ride in your--

( thunder rumbling )

♪ Singin' the drivin' song ♪

♪ Headlights are out ♪

♪ Can't really see
where I'm goin' ♪

Ugh!

Hey, I found two tacos!

You're allowed
to eat in the car?

Yeah, the car is where
secret surprise snacks happen.

Want one?

Oh, I'm not supposed
to take handouts.

Handouts?
It's called sharing!

You do know
what sharing is, right?

Shar-- Shaar-ing?

Just take it.

Thanks for the ride,
or whatever.

Oh, and Mabel...

I can't believe I'm saying this
but I had fun.

And tell your servant
I like his W neck!

Yes!

So are you guys, like,
cool now?

I think we made some progress.

The important thing
to remember is that

at the end of the day,

she's just an ordinary kid
like us.

Should've charged her
for that taco.

Agreed.

SOOS: Hey, you got any more
of those surprise tacos?

( Family laughing )

Laugh now, hugelings.
But Franz will have his day.

Franz will--

Sand trap!
Ow! Ow!

♪ We control the balls,
we control the balls! ♪

♪ From Birmingham
to Montreal ♪

♪ We control the balls ♪

Guys I figured it out!
We control the balls!

Now he gets it!

Oh, you guys!

( laughing )

♪ Our lives are filled
with nonstop fun ♪

♪ But there's nothing
like a hole in one ♪

Can I go now?

Never!