Gravity Falls (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 8 - Irrational Treasure - full transcript

Ha ha! Nacho earrings!
I'm hilarious!

That's debatable.

Aw, come on.
What's with all this traffic?

And why is it all...

Covered wagons?!

Oh, no!

No! No!

Not today! Not today!

Oh, heavens!
Goodness!

Grunkle Stan, what's going on?

We gotta get out of here...
before it's too late!



They've circled the wagons!
We're trapped!

No!!!

I got a good feeling
about today.

Dirty glass!
We got dirty glass!

Dirty glass.
Aw, boy.

It's pioneer day.

Every year these yahoos
dress up like idiots

to celebrate the day
Gravity Falls was founded.

Welcome to 1863!

I will break you, little man!

Aah! Aah!

Wow, look! Candle dipping!

Whoa!
Gold panning!

I now pronounce you
man and wife.



I do!

What you talkin' about?

Oh, yeah, I remember this.

In Gravity Falls
it used to be legal
to marry woodpeckers.

Oh, it's still legal...
very legal.

Come one and all
for the opening ceremonies!

Grunkle Stan,
you comin'?
No thank you!

Just remember if you
come back to the shack

talking like these people,
you're dead to me!

Thar's a carpetbagger
in the turnip cellar!

Well, hornswaggle my haversack!

Ha ha ha!
Dead to me!!!

Hear ye, hear ye!

Ye olde commencement ceremony
is about to commence.

Whoo! I got a bell!

Oh, no! Police! My purse!

Ring ring! Ring ring!
Hoo!

He sure loves his bell.

Howdy, everyone.

You all know me,
Pacifica Northwest,

great-great-granddaughter
of town founder

Nathaniel Northwest.

I'm also very rich.

Now, if you've got
the pioneer spirit,

we ask you to come on up
and introduce yourself.

Audience participation!

I don't know, Mabel.
Isn't that girl kind of like
your arch enemy?

That's water under the bridge.

Our first newcomer is...

Mabel.

Yeah! Let's this this
pioneer day started!

Right, guys?

USA! USA!

USA! USA!

USA! USA!

I'm sorry to break it to you,
but pioneer day is for
serious people,

and you look and act
ridiculous.

I mean, a puppy
playing basketball?

Are you always this silly?

Hey! I can be serious!

You do have nachos
hanging from your ears, hon.

Wow, I'm embarrassed for you.

Give her a hand, everybody!

Now, who wants to hear
more about me?

Excuse me.

Every say, "Northwest."

Northwest.

We're perfect.

Hey, you okay?

I need some
old-timey butterscotch.

Let's get out of here.

Hey, there.

Donkey boy. Give me a hand
with my car, huh?

Here in 1863
I have never heard tell
of a... car.

Pray tell, what is
this magic wheel box?

Ach! Come on, Steve,
you're a mechanic,
for Pete's sake.

Cut me some slack!

"Slack." I am unfamiliar
with this bold new expression.

I can't take this anymore!

I'm getting dumber
every second I'm here!

Are we gonna have to
intervene here?

Oh, look...
The constable.

What are you gonna do,
throw me in "ye stocks"?

Ha ha ha ha!

Aw, come on!

Hey, nice outfit, Gideon.

You actually look
less girly than usual.

Aha ha ha ha ha!

Why, Stanford, I'm just
a humble tomato farmer

sellin' his wares.

Whoops! I dropped one!

Aah!
Whoops!

I dropped another one.

Arghh!!

Pioneer day!!!

Dipper, can I
ask you something?

Do you think I'm... Silly?

Uh, noooo.

Ohh! I knew it!

The nacho earrings,
the sweater...

I thought I was being charming,

but I guess people see me
as a big joke.

Come on, Mabel.
You love that sweater.

I did before Pacifica
ruined it for me.

She ruins everything.

Pacifica!

Why Doe she think that being
related to the town founder

means she gets to treat
everyone like garbage?

Someone needs to
take her down a peg.

Wait a minute!
I feel like I read something

about Pacifica's
great-great-grandfather before.

Of course!
Oh, this is perfect.

"In my investigations..."

Should I do the voice?

Unh-unh.
I'll just read normal.

"In my investigations
I recently made a discovery.

"Nathaniel Northwest
may not be the founder
of Gravity Falls.

"I believe the proof
of this secret is buried

"somewhere on
the enclosed document.

If only I could
crack the code."

Oh, man! If this
cover-up is true,

it means Pacifica's
whole family is a fraud!

This could be
a major conspiracy!

Really?
I gotta investigate this!

Wait. I'm coming with you.

Conspiracies are
serious, right?
Oh, yeah, definitely.

Well, if I help you
crack this code,

nobody could ever
call me silly again!

Yeah! Mystery twins?

I thought you hated that.

I'm starting to accept it.

This is sheriff blubs.
We've got a code sepia.

What?! And what
are you doing about it?

I'm following them right now.

Find them and stop them.
There's no room for error.

I understand.
Blubs out.

Deputy durland,
maintaining this cover-up

is the mission we've been
training for our entire careers.

Are you ready?
Whoo!

If being delightful
was a crime, you'd be
breaking the law.

Let's go get 'em!

Whoo!
Ha ha ha ha!

Den days,
from telling stories
piaround the fire. Enance

so let's eat some books,
children.

Go ahead, eat the books!

All right, Mabel.
If we can prove that
Nathaniel Northwest

wasn't the real founder
of Gravity Falls,

it'll finally put
Pacifica in her place.

And solving a mystery
will prove that I'm not silly,

I'm serious!

Seriousss...

We just need to crack this code.

Let me see...

It's not Egyptian,

it's not numerology,

it's not... wait! Of course!

The triangle is
the alchemist's
symbol for flame.

Lighting the parchment on fire
will reveal the secret message!

It's so obvious!

All right. Let's just
light this sucker up and...

Mabel!
Mwop! I just made a hat!

Achh! I just did
something silly again!

Wait. Mabel,
you folded it into a map.

And I was gonna burn it.

We were on the lookout
for two kids

who might be reading.

We're hunting 'em down
for secret reasons. Whoo!

Mrrrrp!

Maybe we should
take this elsewhere.

This map should lead us to...

The Gravity Falls
Museum of History.

You realize what
this means, Mabel.

We're gonna have to break in.

And those are your free
pioneer day passes

and your balloons,
blue and pink.

We're in.

What are we gonna do next?

Steal Thomas Jefferson's
rib cage?

Ew. No. According to the map,

the next clue about
the real town founder
should be right... Here!

We have to figure
this one out quick.

I have a feeling those cops
weren't at the library
to check out books.

I don't think the one
with the bell can read.

So what is it, anyway?

Hmm.
Hmm.

Hmm.

Hey, painting.
Be less stupid.

It worked!
Huh?

Wait! It's not abstract,
it's upside-down!

I think I've seen that statue
in the cemetery.

Let's go! Quick!

Ow ow ow!
Ahh! Ow!
Head rush.

I'm sorry, but we're
all out of pink balloons.

Why did we even come?

Officer blubs.

Blubs here.

Have the targets
been apprehended?

Negative.
But we're close.

I promise, those kids'll
never get past us.

Hey! Wait!

Dang it!

For the last time,

we are not
going south for the winter!

Our home is here!

You always say that!

Come on...

Come on. Aah!

Well, if it isn't
Mabel's uncle,
Mr. Pines.

Looking for this?
Yeah, yeah.

What do you want, money?

I want you to say that
the Northwest family

is the best family
in Gravity Falls.

Oh, sure.
You want that in writing?

Mm-hmm...

There we go.

Ha! I did that
with my mouth!

Oh, come on!

Ah.

The statue must be pointing
to the next clue.

Oh, cool!
She's picking my nose! Ha ha!

Ach.

Mabel, look!

Ha! Who's silly now,
Pacifica? Bam!

Ahh! Ow. Ow. Ow.
Okay.

Now we're getting into
real conspiracy mode.

I feel serious.

Mmm.

Okay, look out for Booby traps.

Ha! Booby traps.

Tranquilizer darts!
Aah!

It's a treasure trove
of historic-y, secret-y things.

Oh, man!

Ben Franklin
secretly was a woman.

Hey, jackpot!

Now we'll find out
who the real town founder was.

"Let it be here recorded
that Nathaniel Northwest,

"fabled founder
of Gravity Falls,

"was, in fact, a fraud,

as well as a waste-shoveling
village idiot."

Ha ha ha!

Oh, bad news for Pacifica.

Wait'll the papers
hear about this!

Once people see that I uncovered
a historical conspiracy,

they cou never call me silly!

"The true founder
of Gravity Falls

was sir lord,
Quentin Trembley, III, Esquire."

Who's Quentin Trembley?

That's none of your business!

Whoo! We gotcha!

Whoo! Whoo...

hmm... whoo-hoo...

He got hit with
quite a few of those darts.

But Quentin Trembley's
a matter ofyeah! Yeah... whoo...

I think I might
be colorblind now.

What do you mean,
national security?

And who is Quentin Trembley,
anyway?

See for yourself.

Ahh, black and white?!

Shh! Mabel.

If you're watching this,

then you are
one of eight people
in these United States

with clearance
to view this information.

In fact, I myself
will be shot as soon as
the filming is complete.

What? No? Ha!
Well, that's a relief!

Of all of America's secrets,

the most embarrassing
was that of Quentin Trembley.

The eighth-and-a-half president
of the United States.

President?!
Eighth-and-a-half?!

After winning
the 1837 election
in a landslide,

Quentin Trembley
quickly gained a reputation

as America's
silliest president.

He waged war on pancakes,
appointed six babies
to the supreme court,

and issued
the de-pants-ipation
proclamation.

His state of the union speech
was even worse.

The only thing we have to fear

is gigantic,
man-eating spiders!

He was kicked out of office

and escaped to
an uncharted valley

he named Gravity Falls,

after plummeting into it
at high speed.

Trembley's shameful term
was erased from history

and officially replaced
by William Henry Harrison
as president

and local nobody
as founder of Gravity Falls.

The whereabouts
of president Trembley's body
are unknown.

Until now.

Whoa!

Is that, like,
Amber or something?

The fool thought
he could live forever

by encasing himself in a block
of solid peanut brittle.

Smooth move,
Mr. President!

Finding Trembley's body
was our special mission.

And now, thanks to you,
it's complete.

Who knew all we had to do

was follow a little girl's
trail of candy wrappers?

Ohh, silly!

Now that you know the truth,

well, we can't let you
go around talkin' about it.

Does that mean...
are you gonna kill us?!

Oh, no!
No, no.

Calm down now, buddy,
calm down.

We're just gonna escort you
and all this stuff
back to Washington.

You ain't comin' back,
by the way.

Whoo-hoo!
We got fold-out beds!

Good thing I brought
my book of spooky ghost stories!

I brought rope for
friendship bracelets!

Anyone there?! Help!

Hey! Let us out!

Ohh. I can't believe I left
a trail of candy wrappers.

This is all my fault.

Pacifica had me pegged
all along.

I'm just a silly failure,

like that embarrassing
president what's-his-name.

Aaah!
Aahh!

It is I, Quentin Trembley.

You're alive! But how?

Peanut brittle really does have
life-sustaining properties!

You're not silly,
you're brilliant!

And so are you, dear girl,

for following my clues
and freeing me from
my delicious tomb!

He's right!
Making maps into hats,
hanging upside-down;

Your silliness solved the code

that serious cops couldn't crack
in a hundred years!

Oh, stop it.

By Jefferson!

We seem to be trapped in
some sort of crate-shaped box.

It's a crate,
Mr. President.

Good thing I have
the president's key,

which can open
any lock in America.

I don't think
that's gonna work.

Wood! My age-old enemy.

In order to get out of here,

this is going to take
the silliest plan
ever conceived.

I think I know who can help you.

Hmm. How about...

That hole?

We will leap through it!

Almost. Almost there... Good...

Keep pushing.

I'm not sure this is working.

Trust the silliness!

Fiddlesticks!
Keep going...

Is that my third wife Sandy?

Well, we didn't fit
through the hole.

Let's rebuild the box
and try again.

We gotta get out of here!

Also good.

Blubs!

Give me that!

There is...

No escape!

I gotta take a knee.

Are you okay?
Can I get you
anything?

Edwin durland, you are
a diamond in the rough.

Sheriff blubs,
do you really want
to lock us all up

in a government
facility somewhere?

I've got no choice!

Our orders come from
the very top!

Wait!

Quentin, did you ever sign
an official resignation?

No, sir. I ate a salamander
and jumped out the window.

Then technically
you're still legally

the president of
the United States, right?

You've gotta answer
this guy now!

Huh?
Huh?

As president of these
several United States,

I hereby order you
to pretend none of this
ever happened.

And go on a delightful vacation.

Ow! Yes.

Vacation?

What place have you
always wanted to visit?

One, two...

Silly water fun slides
in grand lakes, Michigan!

Bye-bye!
Bye!

You've done a great service
to your country, Mabel.

As thanks, I'd like to make you
an official U.S. congressman.

I'm legalizing everything!

And roderick...
Uh, actually...

you, dear boy,
are on your way to unlocking

the mysteries of
this great land,

so I'd like you to have
my president's key.

And then he chased me around
and spanked me with a paddle
for, like, three hours.

George Washington was a jerk.

Agreed.

Oh!

Kick her off the team.

Hey, Pacifica! I uncovered
a government conspiracy

about the eighth-and-a-half
president of the United States!

Who's silly now?

What? Who is
that idiot?

Put up your Dukes,
you bald fiend!

The eighth-and-a-half president
of America.

How is he still alive?

Well, turns out
you can hibernate
in peanut brittle and it...

Ha ha ha! Wow!
You really are a sad,
dumb little girl.

Nice top hat, by the way.

Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha!
Good one, daughter.

Ooh! I see your car
is stuck in the mud.

Enjoy walking home.

Aren't you gonna tell her about
her ate-gray ampa-gray?

You know what, Dipper?
I've got nothing to prove.

I've learned to see
silly as awesome!

Well, I haven't
learned anything!

Hey, Pacifica!

Nathaniel Northwest
didn't found Gravity Falls,

and your whole family is a sham.

Deal with it!

What?! Mom!!!

Man, revenge is underrated.

That felt awesome!

Children, I am
needed elsewhere.

Just know that
I'll always be
right here...

On the negative
twelve dollar bill.

Whoa.

This is worthless.

It's less then worthless,
my boy.

Trembley away!

Where do you think he's going?

I'm gonna say...
Off a cliff.

And then Soos came by
and talked to me
for like an hour.

You've been through so much.

It works!

So what's with the top hat?
I am a congressman.

Pardon me?
You are officially
pardoned.

Oy! You a never gonna
make sense, are you, kid?

No, I'm not, Grunkle Stan.

No, I'm not.

Mabel away!

I'm okay!

Esteemed gentlemen
supreme court, States

I implore you to
rethink your decision!

Very well. But who
would you have replace me?

Mama.

That old crone?!

Ba ba ba...

Chief justice num-num,
you're spitting up on yourself!

Now... ohh! Oh, come on!

This is a courtroom! I...

this... this is a...

this is a dark day for America.