Gravity Falls (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - Tourist Trapped - full transcript

Ah, summer break...

- You want cheese on that hon?
- Sure, Hank.

A time for leisure, recreation,

and takin' 'er easy...

Unless you're me.

Aaaah!!!

It's getting closer!

My name is Dipper.

The girl about to puke
is my sister Mabel.

You may be wondering what
we're doing in a golf cart

fleeing from a creature
of unimaginable horror.



- Aah!
- Aaah!

- Look out!
- Aahh!

Rest assured,
there's a perfectly
logical explanation.

Let's rewind.

It all began

when our parents decided
we could use some fresh air.

They shipped us up north
to a sleepy town

called Gravity Falls, Oregon,

to stay at our great-uncle's
place in the woods.

This attic is amazing!

Check out all my splinters!

Baaa!

And there's a goat on my bed.

Hey, friend.



Oh! Yes, you can keep
chewing on my sweater.
Ha ha ha ha ha!

My sister tended to look
on the bright side of things.

Yay! Grass!

But I was having a hard time

getting used to
our new surroundings.

- Boo!
- Aaaah!

Aha ha ha ha!

And then was
our great-uncle Stan...

that guy.

Aha ha ha ha...

It was worth it.

Our uncle had transformed
his house into a tourist trap

he called the Mystery Shack.

The real mystery was
why anyone came.

Ladies and gentlemen, behold...

And guess who
had to work there.

Oh!

No touching the merchandise!

It looked like it was gonna be
the same boring routine

all summer,

until one fateful day...

He's looking at it.
He's looking at it!

Uh...

"Do you like me?

"Yes. Definitely.

Absolutely"?

- I rigged it!
- Mabel,

I know you're going through
your whole "boy crazy" phase,

- but I think you're kind of overdoing
it with the "crazy" part.
- What?!

Come on, Dipper!

This is our first summer
away from home.

It's my big chance to have
an epic summer romance.

Yeah, but do you need to flirt
with every guy you meet?

My name is Mabel,
but you can call me
the girl of your dreams.

I'm joking!
Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, my gosh, you like turtles?

I like turtles too.
What is happening here?

Come one, come all,

to the mattress prince's
kingdom of savings!

- Take me with you.
- Aaah!

Mock all you want, brother,

but I got a good feeling
about this summer.

I wouldn't be surprised
if the man of my dreams

walked through that door
right now.

Oh! Oh! Not good. Ow.

- Oh, why?!
- Ha ha ha!

All right, look alive, people.

I need someone to go
hammer up these signs in
the spooky part of the forest.

- Not it! - Not it!
- Uh, also not it.

Nobody asked you, Soos.

I know, and I'm
comfortable with that.

Wendy! I need you
to put up this sign!

I would, but I... uhh...
can't... uhh... reach it.

I'd fire all of you if I could.

All right, let's make it
eeny-meeny-miney...

- You.
- Oh! What?

Grunkle Stan,
whenever I'm in those woods
I feel like I'm being watched.

- Ahh, this again.
- I'm telling you,

Something weird is going on
in this town.

Just today my mosquito bites
spelled out "beware."

That says "bewarb."

Look, kid, the whole
"monsters in the forest" thing
is just local legend

drummed up by guys like me
to sell merch to guys like that.

So quit being so paranoid!

Ugh. Grunkle Stan.

Nobody ever believes
anything I say.

Huh?

Baaa!

What the...?

"It's hard to believe
it's been six years
since I began studying

the strange
and wondrous secrets
of Gravity Falls, Oregon."

What is all this?

"Unfortunately, my suspicions
have been confirmed.

"I'm being watched.

"I must hide this book
before he finds it.

Remember, in Gravity Falls,
there is no one you can trust."

No one you can trust...

- Hello!
- Aaah!

Whatcha readin'?
Some nerd thing?

Uh... uh... it's nothing.

"Uh-uh... it's nothing."

What? Are you
actually not gonna show me?

Uh...

Let's go somewhere private.

It's amazing!

Grunkle Stan said
I was being paranoid,

but according to this book,
Gravity Falls has this
secret dark side.

Whoa! Shut up!

After a certain point,

the pages just stop,

like the guy who was writing it
mysteriously disappeared.

Who's that?

Well, time to spill the beans.

Broop. Beans.

This girl's got a date.
Whoo whoo!

- Ha ha ha!
- Let me get this straight.

In the half hour I was gone
you already found a boyfriend?

What can I say?

I guess I'm just irresistible!

Oh!

Coming!

- What you readin' there, slick?
- Oh!

I was just catchin' up on,
uh...

- "Gold chains for old men magazine"?
- That's a good issue.

Hey, family!

Say hello to my new boyfriend!

'Sup?

- Hey.
- How's it hangin'.

We met at the cemetery.
He's really deep.

Ooh! Little muscle there.

What...
what a surprise.

So what's your name?

Uh... Normal... Man!

He means "Norman."

Are you bleeding, Norman?

It's jam.

Oh! I love jam!

Look at this!

So, you wanna go hold hands
or... whatever?

Oh! Oh, my goodness.

Don't wait up!

There was something about
Norman that wasn't right.

I decided to consult
the journal...

"Known for their pale skin
and bad attitudes,

"these creatures
are often mistaken for...
Teenagers?!

"Beware Gravity Falls's
nefarious...

'Sup?

Zombie!"

Did somebody say "cromby"?
What is that, "cromby"?

It's not even a word.
You're losin' your mind.

I like you.

Oh, no! Mabel!

- No! No, Mabel! Watch out!
- Uhh!

Aaaah!

Uhh.

Daisies?

You scallywag!

Is my sister really
dating a zombie,

or am I just going nuts?

It's a dilemma, to be sure.

I couldn't help but overhear you
talking aloud to yourself
in this empty room.

Soos, you've seen
Mabel's boyfriend.

He's gotta be a zombie, right?

Hmm. How many brains
did you see the guy eat?

- Zero.
- Look, dude, I believe you.

I'm always noticing
weird stuff in this town.

Like the mailman? Pretty sure
that dude's a werewolf.

But you gotta have evidence.

Otherwise people are gonna think
you're a major league
cuckoo clock.

As always, Soos, you're right.

My wisdom is both a blessing
and a curse.

Soos!
The portable toilets
are clogged again!

I am needed elsewhere.

My sister could be in trouble.

It was time to get
some evidence.

Aaauuggh!

Aaah!

Aauggh!

I'd seen enough.

Mabel, we've gotta
talk about Norman.

Isn't he the best?
Check out this giant
smooch mark he gave me!

- Aaah!
- Ha ha!

Gullible. It was just
an accident with
the leaf blower.

Kissing practice!

Mmm... Mmm...

Aah! Turn it off!

Turn it off!

- That was fun.
- No! Mabel, listen.

I'm trying to tell you
that Norman is not
what he seems!

You think
he might be a vampire?

That would be so awesome!

Guess again, sister.

- Sha-bam!
- Aaah!

Oh, wait. I'm...
I'm sorry.

- Sha-bam!
- A zombie?

That is not funny, Dipper.

I'm not joking!

It all adds up:
the bleeding, the limp...

He never blinks!
Have you noticed that?

Maybe he's blinking
when you're blinking.

Mabel, remember
what the book said
about Gravity Falls?

"Trust no one"!

What about me, huh?
Why can't you trust me?

- Beep-bop!
- Mabel!

He's gonna eat your brain!

Dipper, listen to me.

Norman and I are going
on a date at five o'clock,

and I'm gonna be adorable,
and he's gonna be dreamy.

- Wait! But... but... but...
- And I'm not gonna let you ruin it

with one of your
crazy conspiracies!

Ohh. What am I gonna do?

Coming!

Hey, Norman.
How do I look?

Shiny!

You always know what to say!

Soos is right.

I don't have any real evidence.

I guess I can be kind of
paranoid sometimes, and...

wait! What?!

Aaah! I was right!
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Grunkle Stan!
Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan!

And here we have
"rock that looks
like a face" rock...

the rock that
looks like a face.

- Does it look like a rock?
- No, it looks like a face.

- Is it a face?
- It's a rock that looks like a face!

Over here!
Grunkle Stan!

For the fifth time,
it's not an actual face!

Grrrr!!!

Finally, we're alone.

Yes... Alone.

Stan! Stan!

Wendy! Wendy!

I need to
borrow the golf cart so I can
save my sister from a zombie!

Try not to hit any pedestrians.

Dude, it's me, Soos.

- This is for the zombies.
- Thanks.

And this is in case
you see a piñata.

Uh... Thanks?

Better safe than sorry!

Mable,

now that we've gotten
to know each other,

there's...

There's something
I should tell you.

Oh, Norman!
You can tell me anything!

Please be a vampire,
please be a vampire.

All right, just...
just don't freak out, okay?

Just... just keep an open mind.
Be cool.

Is this weird?
Is this too weird?

You need to sit down?

R-right. I'll explain.

So, we're gnomes, first off,
get that one out of the way.

- Uh...
- I'm Jeff,

and here we have Carson, Steve,

Jason and...

I'm sorry,
I always forget your name.

Shmebulock.

Shmebulock. Yes!

Anyways, long story short,

us gnomes have been
lookin' for a new queen.
Right, guys?

Queen! Queen!

Heh! So whaddya say?

Will you join us
in holy matri-gnome-y?

Matri... matri... mony?

Bleahh!
Can't talk today.

Look...

I'm sorry, guys,
you're really sweet,

but I'm a girl
and you're gnomes

and it's like, "what?!"

Yikes.

We understand.
We'll never forget you,
Mabel.

- Because we're gonna kidnap you.
- Huh?!

Don't worry, Mabel!
I'll save you from that zombie!

Help!!!!

Hold on!

The more you struggle,
the more awkward this is
gonna be for everybody.

Just... ha ha!... Okay,
just get her arm there,
Steve.

Aah! Let go of me!

Uhh...

what the heck
is goin' on here?!

Aah!

Dipper! Norman turned out
to be a bunch of gnomes!

And they're total jerks!

Uhh! Hair! Hair!

Gnomes? Huh.
I was way off.

"Gnomes. Little men
of the Gravity Falls forest.

"Weaknesses:" unknown.

Oh, come on!

Hey! Hey!
Let go of my sister!

Oh! Ha ha. Hey there!
Um, ya know,

this is all really just
a big misunderstanding,
ya see?

Your sister's not in danger...

She's just marrying
all one thousand of us

and become our gnome queen
for all eternity.

Isn't that right, honey?

You guys are butt-faces!

Give her back right now,
or else!

You think you can stop us, boy?

You have no idea what
we're capable of.

The gnomes are a powerful race!

Do not trifle with the...

Aaaah!

He's getting away
with our queen!

No, no, no!!!

Seat belt.

You've messed with
the wrong creatures, boy.

Gnomes of the forest...
Assemble!

Hurry! Before they
come after us!

I wouldn't worry about it.

You see their little legs?
Suckers are tiny.

Dang.

All right, teamwork, guys!
Like we practiced.

Move. Move!

- Come back with our queen!
- It's getting closer!

Eh!

Yahh!

Brahh!!

Shmebulock!

I'll save you, Dipper!

Uh! Ow! Uh! Uh!
Uh! Uh! Uh!

Uh!!!

- Thanks, Mabel.
- Don't mention it.

Yahh!

Look out!

Stay back, man!

Uhh!

Where's Grunkle Stan?

Behold!

The world's most
distracting object!

- Oooh!
- Just try to look away... you can't!

I can't even remember
what I was talkin' about.

It's the end of the line, kids.

Mabel, marry us before
we do something crazy!

There's gotta be
a way out of this!

- I gotta do it.
- What?!

Mabel, don't do this!
Are you crazy?

- Trust me.
- What?!

Dipper, just this once...
Trust me.

- All right, Jeff, I'll marry you.
- Hot dog!

Help me down there, Jason.
Thanks. Andy, left foot,

there we go,
watch those fingers, Mike.

Ehh? Ehh?

Bada-Bing, bada-bam!

Now let's get you back
into the forest, honey!

You may now kiss the bride.

Well, uh, don't mind if I do.

Aah!

Hey, wait a minute!
Ahh-aahh...

Whoa! Whoa!
W-what's going on?

Aah! Aaah!

That's for lying to me!

That's for breaking my heart!

Ow! My face!

And this is for
messing with my brother!

- Wanna do the honors?
- On three.

One, two, three!

I'll... Get you back
for this!!!!!

Who's giving orders?
I need orders!

My arms are tired!

Anyone else wants some?

Baaaa!

Hey, Dipper. I, um,

I'm sorry for
ignoring your advice.

You really were just
looking out for me.

Oh, don't be like that.
You saved our butts back there.

I guess I'm just sad
that my first boyfriend

turned out to be
a bunch of gnomes.

Look on the bright side...
Maybe the next one
will be a vampire.

You're just saying that.

Awkward sibling hug?

Awkward sibling hug.

- Pat pat.
- Pat pat.

Sheesh! You two get hit
by a bus or somethin'?

Aha!

Uh, hey!

W-wouldn't you know it?

Um, I accidentally
overstocked some inventory,

so how's about each of you
take one item from the gift shop
on the house?

- Really?
- What's the catch?

The catch is do it
before I change my mind.
Now take something.

- Hmm...
- Oooh! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Hmm. That oughta
do the trick.

And I will have a...

Grappling hook!

- Yes!
- Wouldn't you rather have
a doll or something?

- Grappling hook!
- Fair enough.

"This journal told me there was
no one in Gravity Falls

"I could trust.

"But when you battle
a hundred gnomes

"side-by-side with someone,

you realize that they've
probably always got your back."

Hey, Mabel,
could you get the light?

I'm on it.

It worked!

- Ha ha ha!
- These grappling hooks...

Our uncle told us
there was nothing strange
about this town.

But who knows
what other secrets

are waiting to be unlocked?

Aaah!

Bleahh...

Eahhh...

Eahhhh...

Eahhh...

Eahhhh...

Eahhh...

Eahhhh...

Eahhh...

Eahhhh...

Eahhh...

Eahhhh...

Eahhh...

Eahhhh.