Gravity Falls (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 3 - Headhunters - full transcript

I'm afraid your services
won't be required here, sir.

My men have examined
the evidence,

and this is obviously
an accident.

What?!

Duck-tective will return
after these messages.

That duck is a genius.

Eh. It's easier to find clues
when you're that close
to the ground.

Are you saying you could
outwit duck-tective?

Mabel, I have very keen
powers of observation.

For example,
just by smelling your breath

I can tell that
you have been eating...



An entire tube of toothpaste?

- It was so sparkly.
- Hey, dudes!

You'll never guess
what I found!

- Buried treasure!
- Buried...

Hey, I was gonna say that!

So I was cleaning up
when I found this secret door

hidden behind the wallpaper.

It's crazy-bonkers-creepy.

Whoa! It's a secret wax museum.

They're so life-like.

Except for that one.

Hello!

Ha ha! It's just me,
your Grunkle Stan!

Behold the Gravity Falls
Wax museum.



It was one of our most
popular attractions!

Before I forgot all about it.

I got 'em all...
genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes,

some kind of,
I don't know, Goblin Man.

Ooh! Is anyone else
getting the creeps here?

And now for
my personal favorite...

wax Abraham Lincoln,
right over...

oh, no! Come on!

Who left the blinds open?!

Wax John wilkes booth,
I'm lookin' in your direction.

How do you fix a wax figure?

Cheer up, Grunkle Stan.

- Where's that smile?
- Meh.

- Beep bop boop.
- Ow.

Don't worry, Grunkle Stan,
I'll make you a new wax figure
from all this old wax.

You really think you could
make one of these puppies?

Grunkle Stan,
I'm an arts and crafts master.

Why do you think I always have
this glue gun stuck to my arm?

- Eeech!
- I like your gumption, kid.

I don't know
what that word means,
but thank you.

Dipper.

What do you think
of my wax figure idea?

She's part fairy princess,

and part horse fairy princess.

Maybe you should carve
something from real life.

Like a waffle with big arms!

Yo-kay, or, ya know,
something else,

like someone in your family.

Kids! Have you
seen my pants?

O muse, you work
in mysterious ways.

Why is your sister
talking to the ceiling?

I think it needs more glitter.

Agreed.

I found my pants,
but now I'm missing my...

What do you think?

I think the wax museum's
back in business!

I can't believe
this many people
showed up.

I know, right?

Your uncle probably
bribed 'em or something.

He bribed me.

You all know me, folks,
town doll and Mr. Mystery.

Please, ladies!
Control yourselves!

As you know, I always bring
the people of this fair town

novelties and befuddlements,

the likes of which
the world has never known.

But enough about me.

Behold...

Me!

♪ Ye-ah!
Ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ah! ♪

And now a word from
our own Mabelangelo.

It's Mabel.

Thank you for coming.

I made this sculpture
with my own two hands!

It's covered in my blood,
sweat, tears,

and other fluids.

- Ugh! - Ohh!
- Ewww!

Heh heh. Yeah.

I will now take questions.
You there.

Old man mcgucket, local kook.

Are the wax figures alive?
And, follow-up question,

can I survive
the wax man uprising?

Um... Yes! Next question.

Toby determined,
Gravity Falls gossiper.

Do you really think
this constitutes
a wonder of the world?

Your microphone's
a turkey baster, Toby.

- It certainly is.
- Next question.

Shandra jimenez,
a real reporter.

Your fliers promised
free pizza with admission
to this event.

Is this true?

- That's what I heard.
- Come on!

- What a rip-off!
- I want my pizza.

That was a typo.

Good night, everyone!

Ohhh.

In your face!

We're not coming back here.

I think that went well.

Hot pumpkin pie!
Look at all this cash!

And I owe it all
to one person...

This guy.

Ooh! Yeah, you too,
ya little gremlin.

Now, you kids wash up.
We got another long day
of fleecing rubes tomorrow.

Go! Go!

Ahh, kids.

Well, duck-dective,

it seems you've really
"quacked" the case.

Ha ha!

Stupid duck.

Well, I'm gonna use the John.

You need anything?

I love this guy!
Don't you go nowhere.

- Dipper, you wanna do a toothbrush race?
- Okay.

No... No... Nooooo!

Wax Stan! He's been...
Murdered!

Ohhh!

I got up to use the John,
right?

And when I come back,
blammo! He's headless!

My expert handcrafting
besmirched.

Besmirched!!!

Who would do something
like this?

What's your opinion,
sheriff blubs?

Look, we'd love
to help you folks,

but let's face the facts...
this case is unsolvable.

- What?! You take that back, sheriff blubs!
- What? - What?

You're kidding, right?
There must be evidence, motives.

- Ya know, I could help, if you want.
- He's really good.

He figured out who was
eating our tin cans.

All signs pointed to the goat.

Yeah, yeah, let the boy help.

He's got a little brain
up in his head.

Whoo! Would you look
at what we got here!

City boy thinks
he's gonna solve a mystery

with his fancy computer phone!

City Bo-oy!
City Bo-oy!

You are adorable.

Adorable?

- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!

Look P.J.'s,

how about you leave
the investigatin'
to the grown-ups?

Attention, all units.

Steve is going to fit an entire
cantaloupe in his mouth.

Repeat, an entire cantaloupe.

- It's a 2316!
- Let's move.

That's it! Mabel, you and me
are going to find the jerk
who did this

and get back that head!

Then we'll see who's adorable.

Aw. You sneeze
like a kitten.

Wax Stan has lost his head,

and it's up to us to find it.

There were a lot of unhappy
customers at the unveiling.

The murderer could
have been anyone.

Yeah! Even us!

In this town,
anything is possible,
ghosts, zombies...

could be months before
we find our first clue.

Hey, look, a clue!

Footprints in the shag carpet.

That's weird.
They've got a hole in them.

And they're leading to...

So what do you think?

In my opinion, this is an ax.

Wait a minute...
the lumberjack!

Of course!

In your face!

He was furious when he
didn't get that free pizza.

Furious enough for murder!

Oh, you mean manley Dan?

He hangs out at this
crazy-intense biker joint
downtown.

Then that's where we're going.

Dude, this is awesome.

You two are like
the mystery twins.

Don't call us that.

Hey, gimme a hand
with this coffin,
will ya?

I'm doing a memorial service
for wax Stan.

Something small, but classy.

- Ooh!
- Sorry, Grunkle Stan,

- But we've got a big break in the case.
- Break in the case!

We're heading into town
right now to interrogate
the murderer.

We have an ax!
Ree! Ree! Ree!

Seems like the kind of thing
a responsible parent
wouldn't want you doing.

Good thing I'm an uncle.
Avenge me, kids!

Avenge me!!!

This is the place.

Got the fake I.D.'s?

Here goes nothing.

Sorry, but we don't
serve minors.

Dagnabbit!

We're here to interrogate
manley Dan the lumberjack

for the murder of wax Stan.

Deedle-eedle-eet.

Works for me.

He's resting.

All right, let's just
try to blend in, okay?

You got it, dipping sauce.

Hey, there, fellow
restaurant patron!

Bap!

Grrrr!

Aaaah!!!

Manley Dan!
Just the guy
I wanted to see.

- Where were you last night?
- Punchin' the clock.

You were at work?

No, I was punchin' that clock!

Ten o'clock.
The time of the murder.

So I guess you've never
seen this before?

- Listen, little girl...
- Hey, actually, I'm...

I wouldn't pick my teeth
with that ax!

It's left-handed.
I only use my right hand.

The manly hand!

Hit him!
Hit him!

- Aaaah!
- Hee hee hee!

Left-handed...

Three, four, five, six.

Oh! Your wife
is gonna be beautiful.

Yes!

Mabel, big break in the case!

But will she love me?

It's a left-handed ax.

These are all our suspects.

Manley Dan is right-handed.

That means all we gotta do
is find our left-handed suspect

- and we've got our killer.
- Oh, man!

We are on fire today!

Pazow! Pazow! Pazow!

Let's find that murderer.

Mabel! There's only
one person left
on this list!

Of course!
It all adds up.

You kids better
be right about this,

or you'll never
hear the end of it.

The evidence is irrefutable.

It's so irrefutable.

I'm gonna get to use
my night stick!

You ready, little fella?

- Whoo! Whoo!
- Whoo! Whoo!

On three.
One, two...

- Heeyaw!
- Nobody move! This is a raid!

What is this,
some kind of raid?

Toby determined,
you're under arrest

for the murder of the wax body
of Grunkle Stan!

You have the right
to remain impressed

with our awesome
detective work.

Gobbling goose feathers!

I don't understand!

Then allow me to explain.

You were hoping
that Grunkle Stan's
new attraction

would be the story that saved
your failing newspaper.

But when the show was a flop,

you decided to go out
and make your own headline.

But you were sloppy,

and all the clues pointed to

a shabby-shoed reporter
who was caught left-handed!

Toby determined,
you're yesterday's news.

Boy, your little knees
must be sore

from jumping to conclusions!

Ha-cha-cha!

I had nothing to do
with that murder.

- I knew it! Wait... what...?
- Huh? Could you repeat...

Then where were you
the night of the break-in?

Uh...

Finally we can be alone,

cardboard cut-out of
female news reporter
shandra jimenez!

- Ew! - Ugh!
- Yuck!

Time stamp confirms it.
Toby, you're off the hook,

- you freak of nature.
- Hurray!

But... but it has to be him!
Check the ax for fingerprints.

No prints at all.

No prints?

Hey, I got a headline for ya:

"City kids waste
everyone's time."

Boy, I'd be pretty embarrassed
if I was you two!

Kids, Zeus,

lifeless wax figures,

thank you all for coming.

Some people might say
that it's wrong for a man

to love a wax replica
of himself.

- They're wrong!
- Easy, Zeus.

Wax Stan, I hope
you're pickin' pockets
in wax heaven.

I'm sorry, I got
glitter in my eye!

Oh, dude!

Huh. Those cops
were right about me.

Dipper, we've come so far.
We can't give up now.

But I considered everything...

the weapon, the motive,
the clues...

Huh. Wax Stan's shoe
has a hole in it.

All the wax guys have that.

It's where the pole thingie
attaches to their
stand dealies.

Wait a minute!

What has holes in its shoes
and no fingerprints?

Mabel! The murderers are...

standing right behind you?

Wax Sherlock Holmes!

Wax Shakespeare!

- Wax Coolio?
- What's up, Homes?

Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh.

Congratulations,
my two amateur sleuths.

You've unburied the truth!

And now we're
going to bury you.

Bravo, Dipper Pines!

You've discovered
our little secret.

Applaud, everyone!

Applaud sarcastically!

Uh, no, that sounds
too sincere.

Slow clap.
There we go.

Nice and condescending.

But how is this possible?
You're made of wax!

Are you... Magic?

Are we magic?
She wants to know
if we're magic!

- We're cursed!
- Cursed! Cursed!

Cursed to come to life
whenever the moon is waxing.

Your uncle bought us
many years ago
at a garage sale.

A haunted garage sale, son!

I must warn you,
these statues come
at a terrible price.

Twenty dollars?!
I'll just take 'em
when you're not looking.

- What?
- I said I was gonna rob ya.

And so the mystery shack
wax collection was born.

By day we would be
the playthings of man.

But when your uncle was asleep,
they would rule the night.

- Hey. I told you to stop that.
- Make me.

Huh?

It was a charmed life
for us cursed beings.

That is, until your uncle
closed up shop.

We've been waiting ten years
to get our revenge on Stan

for locking us away.

But we got the wrong guy.

So you were trying to
murder Grunkle Stan for real?

You were right
all along, Dipper!
Wax people are creepy!

Enough! Now that
you know our secret,

you must die.

What do we do?
What do we do?!

I don't know!

Aaaah!

That's it!
We can melt them with
hotty melty things!

Anyone move, and we'll
melt you into candles!

Decorative candles!

You really think
you can defeat us?

- It's worth a shot, I guess.
- I'm not really sure.

So be it. Attack!

Aaah!

Uhh! Aaah!

Ohh! Aaah!

Interview this, Larry King!

My neck!
My beautiful neck!

- Ahh!
- Joke's on you, groucho!

I've heard about
a cutting remark,
but this is ridiculous.

Hey, why is there
nothing in my hand?

Ha! Genghis Khan,
you fell harder than the...

Ah, I don't know, Jin Dynasty?

Yeah. All right.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- What's up with that?
- Dipper, watch out!

All right, let's
get this taken care of.

Catch!

Uh... Uh...

Once your family
is out of the way,

we'll rule the night
once again!

Don't count on it!

Come back here, you brat!

Uh... Oh...

You really think
you can outwit me, boy?

I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes!

Have you seen
my magnifying glass?!

It's enormous!

Oohh!

Any last words?

Um...
You got any sun screen?

Got any... What?!

- No.
- You know, letting me lead you outside,

Probably not your
sharpest decision.

Outsmarted by a child
in short pants!

Noooo!

Fiddlesticks!
Humbugs!

It's a total kerfuffle!

What a hullaballoo!

Case closed.

Ha ha ha!
You sneeze like a kitten.

Those policemen were right,
you're adorable.

Adorable!!!

Eww.

♪ Though our group
been cleft in twain ♪

♪ Man of wax
shall rise again! ♪

- You know any limericks?
- Uh...

There once was
a dude from Kentucky...

- Nope.
- Aaah!

Dipper! You're okay!

You solved the mystery
after all.

I couldn't have done it
without my sidekick.

No offense, Dipper,
but you're the sidekick.

What? Says who?
Are people saying that?
Have you heard that?

Hot Belgian waffles!

What happened to my parlor?!

Your wax figures
turned out to be evil,

so we fought them to the death!

I decapitated Larry King.

Ha ha! You kids
and your imaginations.

On the bright side, though,
look what we found.

My head! Ha ha!

I missed this guy.

You done good, kids!

Line up for some
affectionate noogying.

I'm not so sure about that.
Is there any other alternative?

Ha ha! Noogy, noogy, noogy!

Solve the case yet, boy?

I'm so confident
you're gonna say no

that I'm gonna take
a long, slow sip from
my cup of coffee.

Actually, the answer is yes.

Aaaaah!

Ow!

Aah!

- It burns! It burns!
- My eyes!

They got scalded!

So, did you get rid
of all the wax figures?

I am 99% sure that I did.

Good enough for me.

Ha ha ha ha!

Huh?

So, you're a rat.
Tell me about that.

Hey! Get back here!

I'm hopping!

I'm hopping after a rat
that stole my ear!

Hmm. Hey, Dipper,

what do you think is better,

sequins or llama hair?

The llama hair.

Llamas are nature's
greatest warriors.

Thanks, Dipper!