Graceland (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Mike Warren is newly graduated FBI agent who was hoping to work in DC. But he would be told that he's being assigned to work in Graceland, which is the code name for a beach house in California wherein undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and Customs are based. The man in charge is Paul Briggs a veteran agent. All of them wonder why he is there? Expecially the DEA agent whose partner Briggs is replacing because he was shot recently.
(APPLAUSE)
AGENT CAMPBELL:
I remember that day very clearly.
And I was sitting right where
you are sitting today.
I was ready to knock down the door,
to kick some righteous ass.
(LAUGHTER)
Just like you.
I just knew I was the smartest,
the fastest,
the best this institution had to offer.
And then...
And then I stepped into the real world.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
AGENT CAMPBELL: We are here today
to honor the 50 newest agents
of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
I'm talking to you, ladies and gentlemen,
because inside these walls,
you all are the best of the best.
But I just want to take just a moment
to think about what's going to happen
outside these walls.
You all are walking off
one battlefield in here
and onto another battlefield out there.
The difference being,
the battlefield out there is real,
and the dangers are real.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)
Ah, Sputnik.
AGENT CAMPBELL:
Everything you've acquired of value
in your short time on this earth,
everything you are worth
is locked inside of you,
and that means, at this moment,
you find yourself
in a unique position
you may never be in again.
You have nothing to lose.
Let's cook it up!
AGENT CAMPBELL: I'll leave you with this.
Whatever you think success means,
I hope you'll stay open to the possibility
that you've got it all wrong.
That you have absolutely no idea
what life has got in store for you.
You will make mistakes.
You are not perfect.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
AGENT CAMPBELL: You will fail.
And when that day comes
and you figure it out,
I hope you'll have the brains, the guts,
and the straight-up good luck to survive it.
(SCREAMS IN RUSSIAN)
(ALL SHOUTING)
(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)
(COUGHING)
(TIRES SQUEAL)
Congratulations.
You are now agents
of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
(APPLAUSE)
Do me proud.
(CROWD WHISTLING AND CHEERING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING)
Hey, yo, Briggs!
Hey.
Come on, time to get up, man.
We got five full sets coming in.
Get out, Johnny. I have a gun.
(LAUGHS) Yeah? So do I. Come on, let's go.
Come on, man. Now, is that cool?
You told me no matter what you said
or how ugly you got,
not to let you sleep in, right?
I'd been awake 32 hours when I said that.
So what? No, if I let you nod off,
you're just gonna yell at me
-'cause I didn't do what you said. Let's go.
-(KNOCKING)
Dang it, man.
(KNOCKING)
- No.
-(DOOR OPENS)
God, I'm sorry, Paul. Were you sleeping?
Should I come back later?
You know, boss, that would be swell.
No. No, no.
It's time to rise and shine.
Lauren! Tuturro!
What a dick.
- LAUREN: What?
- JOHNNY: Yo.
Need you to get Donnie's stuff
out of his room.
- Donnie's not dead.
- For what?
I didn't say he was dead.
I said his stuff was in the way.
We got a new agent coming in.
You got two hours.
- What?
- Hell, no. That's Donnie's room.
You're not replacing Donnie,
and I'm going back to bed.
No, you're not. He's your new trainee.
Name's Mike Warren.
Graduated top of his class at Quantico.
So did Briggs,
and he can't even match his socks.
These aren't my socks.
-1,700 on his practicals?
- Yeah, your record still stands.
Lauren, where are you going?
- Don't worry about it.
- JOHNNY: What, he's got a 1,700?
Is he, like, a savant, or something?
Boss, does anybody happen to notice
the kid doesn't speak Spanish?
Yeah, they're putting him
through linguistics training now.
- Lauren!
-(SPEAKING SPANISH)
He runs a 440 mile.
I was doing that in the fifth grade.
- Yeah, but you're a stud, Johnny.
- True.
His plane lands at 0800.
Briggs, be there to pick him up.
Okay.
-800.
- Yes, sir.
- Johnny, need you to go to the airport.
- No, man, no. it's my day off.
I don't want to spend all morning
in some terminal.
- And there's no picture, so I'm...
- Yeah, well, make a sign or something.
He's an undercover. I can't make a sign.
Can I?
I'm going surfing.
How am I supposed to find this guy?
I don't know. Be a problem solver, Johnny.
Be mexcellent.
And scramble me some eggs, par favor?
What a dick.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Oh. (LAUGHS)
I'm sorry. I don't speak Spanish.
- You said you like the food.
- Yeah, it's...
Ah! You're learning español.
- Si.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
it's a job requirement.
I thought I was going to DC,
and then the last minute, I'm...
Well, I'm headed to California.
What do you do?
I'm a teacher.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- So's my brother.
- Yeah?
- What school?
-It's a new one.
Yeah, it's brand new.
It doesn't have a name yet.
- Yeah.
- FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me, sir?
Are you Special Agent Mike Warren
with the FBI?
Yeah.
This message was patched to you
through the cockpit phone.
"Agent Warren,
wait under the baggage claim sign
"in Terminal C
for your field training agent to arrive.
"Do not leave the baggage area
under any circumstances."
Thank you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Excuse me?
It means, "Hands up."
it's probably not on your lessons.
MAN (OVER PA): Passengers arriving
an Flight 26 from Dulles, Virginia,
your luggage will be available
on Baggage Claim C.
Excuse me.
MAN (OVER PA): This is the fins/boarding
call for all passengers an Flight number 122.
You hunger and hope
Stronger than what
any change could bring
So we sing
I know this one is
beautiful
(LAUGHS)
Mike Warren, right?
Yeah.
You wanna know how I knew that?
'Cause I was told
to wait underneath this sign and I am?
No, because only a guy
who got a 1,700 on his practicals
and was told to wait under a sign is still
gonna be waiting there two hours later.
Where's Agent Briggs?
Who says I ain't Briggs?
Well, you just said "1,700"
like you were impressed.
Paul Briggs got a higher score than I did,
so from that,
I would conclude that you didn't.
(LAUGHS)
I'm Tuturro. Everybody calls me Johnny.
- Dude, what's with the hand thing?
-It improves gun control.
Okay, yeah.
(SPANISH RADIO PLAYING)
- Hey, what are you listening to?
-It's Spanish for the language requirement.
It's a bitch, right? How you getting it?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(LAUGHS) That's good.
Dude, this place is a melting pot.
Hey, ladies.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
-(BOTH LAUGH)
- No? No?
(LAUGHS)
What did you say to them?
I said, "No matter what they say,
I'm gonna hold it against them."
- But you surf?
- No.
- You got shorts?
- No.
- Flips?
- No. What?
Sunscreen?
- No.
God, your white ass is gonna burn.
All right, you gotta go shopping, okay?
- Okay.
- All right.
Mike? Mike!
MIKE: Do the people around here know?
- JOHNNY: What, that we're feds?
- Yeah.
No. No, we tell them different things.
Briggs tells people he's a Tae Bo instructor.
Charlie says she's a trust fund kid.
Yo, one chick I'm dating
thinks I'm a Learjet pilot.
- She believes that?
- Yeah, she...
Dude, you see this?
Learjet key.
- Looks like a bike lock.
- You are smarter than the chick I'm dating.
Tell me about Briggs.
- He's the best agent I've ever seen.
- That's what I hear, man.
This is it. Not bad, huh?
Hey, why do they call it "Graceland"?
When they seized it from this drug lord,
he was apparently some hardcore Elvis fan,
and when they turned it into a flophouse
for us, the name just kind of stuck.
Hey, be glad
you're not moving in a lot of stuff, bro.
All right, so you, me,
Briggs and Charlie are FBI.
Lauren and Donnie are DEA.
So is Paige,
but she's on a case for a couple days.
And Jakes. Jakes is Customs.
It works,
having three agencies in one house?
We all start to blend together after a while.
If you have civilians over,
they stay down here, okay?
Nobody's allowed past those stairs
without a badge.
So no local girls upstairs. I know, it sucks.
Yo, you know what this is?
Looks like a chore wheel.
You are smart. We all take turns cleaning.
Dishes, toilets, all that.
For now, wherever it says "Donnie,"
you write in your name.
- Donnie's the DEA guy who...
- Got shot?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Is he all right?
- He's alive.
That's about all we know right now.
They got him locked away
in some safe house, so...
But good news is, he doesn't have
to clean the bathrooms tomorrow.
So mop's in the hall closet, brother.
Come on, Mikey.
(PHONE RINGS)
Okay, dude. This? This is the phone room.
This is where you'll make all your UC calls.
- Do not...
- Out!
(PHONE RINGS)
- Hello?
- That's Lauren. Donnie was her partner.
- That sucks.
-(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
Donnie was under with the Gallardo cartel
out of Tijuana.
- He was doing a needle drop.
- What's that?
Well, they expect him to test
the quality of the heroin by shooting up.
- Right.
- So he pretends to inject himself.
But what he's really doing
is sticking the needle
in a little rubber ball
he's got tucked into his arm.
- Ball popped out, they shot him.
- Damn.
Yeah. it'll be that way sometimes.
Hey, Briggs! I got your new guy out here.
(OBJECT CRASHES AGAINST DOOR)
Yeah. You'll meet him later.
Let's check out your room.
- Pretty dope, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, Mike Warren. New guy.
This is my partner's room.
Don't touch anything.
Don't get comfortable.
Okay.
- You play tennis.
-(COCKS GUN)
Yes.
Yo, don't worry about her. For real.
But maybe don't move
a lot of Donnie's stuff at first.
Yo, find me later.
We'll grab something to eat.
Thanks, Johnny.
- MAN: No, no, man. This a Golden Conure.
- CORTES: I know that.
Every white couple in the Valley, man,
they pay you $2,000!
All right,
me give you $200 for them, final price.
No, man. We cool, man, yeah?
-$250.
- All right, you have a deal.
But all of the birds, they better talk.
And that's that.
- Just like my wife.
- So she talk and talk.
And talk and talk.
- Your wife can't shut up.
- No, she can't.
You know this, man. I have to live with her.
- You know her.
- Okay?
- Respect.
- Respect, yes.
Gonna get a new home, huh? You, too.
I don't like you.
- How you doing, sweetheart?
- Hi.
JOHNNY:
Feel free to grab some more juice, dude.
- Thanks.
- Take all you want. it's yours.
What's all this?
Yo, Jakes. Mike Warren, Bureau.
He's taking Donnie's room.
You work Customs.
You work Customs.
Johnny told me that you were working
on a bird smuggling operation.
I didn't realize that was a problem
here on the West Coast.
It is. Half a million birds a year.
Yeah, you also gotta watch out
for the bird flu, right, Jakes?
Yeah, a virus can take down a whole city.
That's my juice, man.
Excuse me?
Do you see a "D" and a "J" on it?
Oh!
"DJ." I thought it was an
I thought someone labeled it "OJ."
- OJ.
- Yeah.
The guy who killed the white woman.
- No, I didn't...
- Dale Jakes.
-(LAUGHING)
- DJ. Just like this DJ.
You check the milk,
guess what you gonna find.
DJ?
Yep, just like everything else
on that top shelf.
Sorry.
- Do I look like your frat buddy?
- Nope.
- Am I one of your college pals?
-It won't happen again.
It looked like an "O" to me, man.
I don't know why he's messing.
Your new boy ate my cereal.
Mmm.
- What's up?
- JOHNNY: What's up, man?
You must be Warren.
Yes, sir. You're Agent Briggs.
- Mmm-hmm.
-(LAUGHS)
I'm honored to be training with you, sir.
Excellent.
- I'm ready to begin.
- Now?
Yes, sir.
Good attitude, Warren.
You familiar with the chore wheel?
- Yes, sir.
- Okay.
To get you started, wherever it says
"Briggs," I want you to substitute "Mike."
it'll help you with the whole
undercover name association thing.
So tonight, where it says "Dishes, Briggs,"
- I want you to think...
-"Dishes, Mike."
-1,700 on your practicals.
- Yeah.
Think of it as a whole wax-on,
wax-off sort of thing.
Ah.
Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me,
I'm off in pursuit
of the perfect bottle of rum.
Bingo.
That's Paul Briggs?
That's Briggs.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-(WOMAN COUGHING)
-(BABY CRYING)
- Yo!
- What?
Get up! You wanna watch him?
- He's your kid.
- I'll watch him.
- You want some?
- Gotta make rent, man.
(BABY CRIES LOUDER)
(THUDS)
FBI. I wanna see your hands.
- You the new guy?
- What?
No guns downstairs.
I'm taking back my 20.
There's no guns downstairs.
- Who's that?
- That's Charlie.
Some damn good gun control
you got there, bro.
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)
Did I scare you?
- No. Why? Did I scare you?
- No.
Where's your stuff?
- Lauren suggested I don't unpack, so...
- I see.
You know, I didn't even get a key.
Well...
- Donnie keeps a spare.
- Thank you.
Hey, tell Lauren about that,
I will shoot you.
Yes, ma'am.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(PHONE RINGING)
(PHONE RINGING)
- Who's this?
- LAUREN: Who do you think it is?
Hey, darling. They took all my cells.
I don't have any caller ID.
They got you back in the Stone Age.
How's the new place?
It's a safe house. it's safe, boring as hell.
Got a gun and a badge and no place to go.
Nurse once a day for the gunshots.
- She hot?
- Yeah, tall and Nordic.
Do an hour of PT a day,
then back to being bored.
The Russians still want me dead?
They're on radio silence,
but you gotta figure.
Mexicans want you dead, too.
I know. So you give away my room yet?
It's not a done deal.
What? They gave away my room?
Okay, there's this new Bureau guy in, but...
Man, that's cold. Not like I'm dead.
I told him not to touch your stuff.
It's not Graceland without you.
- Get strong.
- Yea h.
I never let that damn ball drop,
Lauren, you know?
I know.
(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)
Hey, Warren! Get up.
JOHNNY: Yo, Briggs!
You were supposed to wake me up, sucker!
All right, Mikey.
It's a south swell with a five-foot face.
It breaks left, so steer clear of the pier
or you're gonna get slammed.
Right, south swell,
don't get slammed on the pier.
Why is it important we do this?
Because when you catch that ride,
better than sex.
True.
This is about learning
how to control your energy, okay?
Understanding your body's connection
to the things around it.
- Better than sex?
- Not in my world.
Sometimes.
All right. Let's hit it, Poseidon.
Any advice?
Yeah, when you feel that swell
coming up under you,
get on that board and surf.
It's kinda nice
to have you by my side
It's all right, now
It's all right
It's all right, now
It's all right
It's kinda funny
how I wanna say
The things I'm thinkin'
they just get away
All of a sudden
It's the summertime.
All of a sudden
It's the summertime.
All of a sudden
It's the summertime.
All of a sudden
It's the summertime
Come on, boy. Come on, boy, drop it.
Hey, I just bought that. Hey.
Hey. I'm not in the mood for...
Mood for this.
CHARLIE: Enjoying yourself?
No, I'm not.
MIKE: Look at him.
At Quantico, they talk about him
like he's some sort of God.
I mean, a GA award and a Director's award
before he's 30?
I mean, he had more stats in his first year
than his whole squad combined.
So you were expecting somebody
a little more button-down, suit and tie-ish?
- Yeah, something like that.
- He was like that once.
Yeah.
A few years ago, something went down.
He took a leave of absence,
came back all Zenned out like that.
- You don't know what happened?
- Nope.
- He never talks about it.
- You're not curious?
Maybe he's just crazy.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Your Spanish is coming along.
- You like that?
-It's all right.
(LAUGHS)
The house is a tight fit.
You're gonna find out real fast
there are no secrets at Graceland.
- MIKE: Except for Briggs.
- CHARLIE: Yeah, except for Briggs.
That wave's about to get its ass kicked.
Kill it, Mike.
Patterns in the pages
Cut-out shapes and faces
Two-by-two we both
hold closely together
And I tell you
I'm a sure-shot
Shot from the cannon
a safe man
Better we let go
Find out where we 're gain '
JOHNNY: You almost got up.
That's a hell of a start.
MIKE: I've never felt
anything like that before.
I could literally feel the wave
right through my board.
- LAUREN: Briggs!
- Yo.
LAUREN: You got a message
from a guy named Felix Arroyo.
You checking my messages now?
LAUREN:
He wants to make a buy this morning.
Yeah, he's off our active list, Lauren.
Seriously, are you checking
my messages now?
I know his 202. He works for Vzakonye.
Works for...
He probably does their gardening, bro.
He works for Vzakonye.
He was a low-level dealer, Lauren.
We tapped him,
he dropped a few Russian names.
That's it. You know that.
- Come on, Briggs. They shot Donnie.
- Felix didn't.
Anything I can get on these guys...
- Go like this.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's more like it.
You're lucky you have those eyes.
- Mike.
- Yeah?
How'd you like to do a reverse
this morning?
- Do what?
- He wants to buy eight yards of indoor.
Indoor. What's indoor?
"Indoor carpet"
is Felix's code word for cocaine.
- Yard's a key.
- Call in to ops?
No, no, Johnny. it's better
to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
You know that.
(PHONE RINGS)
- Yo!
- BRIGGS: Felix, it's Paul.
Got your message, man. What's up?
- Hey, Paul. Qué passa??
-(SPEAKING SPANISH)
- Thought he was Russian.
- No, he's Mexican. He just works for them.
His wife's Russian. Dude, I told you.
Melting pot, right?
FELIX: Can you hook me up
with eight yards of the indoor?
-20 a yard?
- No can do, compadre.
Come on, man.
You said you could hook me up
anytime I needed that.
I got people counting on me.
Man.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got somebody who can bring it by.
- Your amigo is mi amigo.
- All right. Your casa, two hours.
I'll see him then.
Surfs up.
MIKE: Where we setting up?
JOHNNY: The techs found us this vacant
a block away from Felix's.
- Cool.
- Yeah, should be good.
- BRIGGS: All right, Agent Warren.
- MIKE: Yeah?
BRIGGS:
This is gonna be a simple reverse, okay?
You're gonna walk in,
you're gonna make the deal,
-you're gonna give us the bust signal.
- Okay, what's my name?
- Your name is Mike.
- Yeah?
Go with Mike.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- MIKE: A last name?
- Don't give him a last name, Mike.
"No last..."
Hey, why did you do that?
Because you can't take
a crib sheet with you, okay?
Look, just keep it simple.
See, bad guys don't tend
to ask a lot of questions
because they don't want you
asking a lot of questions. You feel me?
MIKE: How do you and I know each other
if he asks?
BRIGGS: If he asks, just say "around."
We can make it a little interesting.
Put him in the movie.
- BRIGGS: No, man!
- JOHNNY: Why not?
That contradicts
everything I just said, John.
So what?
- Um, what movie?
-It's nothing.
- JOHNNY: I'll tell it!
- No.
(swans)
All right, look.
The Colima, right, these guys are hardcore.
Type of dudes that'll shoot you
to make sure that the gun works.
Yeah.
BRIGGS: In the middle of this sting,
I get some stupid award.
Dude, Top Seizure Agent of the Year award.
CNN, in their infinite wisdom,
they send a camera crew.
So for about a week,
I've got my face plastered all over the TV.
- Not good.
- Not good at all.
BRIGGS: Now, we're meeting
with some of the top guys in the family.
This right here, my friends,
is the best booger sugar in Cali.
Find none better.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I know you.
Yeah. Yeah, we both know Richie.
Tall guy, cockeyed.
BRIGGS": They know they've seen my face,
but they can't place it.
Now they're getting spooked.
The TV.
Tell him what you said, Briggs.
Just tell him.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
Yeah, it's true. You got me.
I don't brag about it, but I'm an actor.
Sometimes I play a cop in the movies.
- They believed that? (LAUGHS)
- Hell, no! No.
BRIGGS: So now we got gun barrels
jammed under our chins, right?
And I just start talking out of my ass.
I'm sure you've seen the trailer.
It's a movie about cops
who are undercover as hookers.
Bullshit.
No, no, no. Hey, straight up, man.
The dude is famous.
Look, you know, I play a cop who goes
under as a male hooker named Shasta.
- A hooker?
- BRIGGS: Yeah.
Yeah, and how the woman I marry,
turns out that her sister is a real hooker.
Your wife's sister is a prostitute.
Yeah. Never said it was a good movie.
You know, her pimp calls her
"Lowrider" because, you know,
you pull the strings on her panties,
her ass starts bouncing up and down
like it's on hydraulics, you know?
The movie ends with nine hookers hauling
ass down Sunset Boulevard in full heels.
You know, it's called Sunset Bust.
JOHNNY: So Briggs did the craziest thing.
They're not buying any of this, dude.
Like none of it. Tell him what you did.
May I show you something?
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Easy.
BRIGGS". Well, basically,
I know we're screwed if they search us,
so I pull out my badge
and I toss it on the bed.
Prop from the movie.
And?
BRIGGS: And they're looking at it real close.
MIKE: Right.
(LAUGHING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(ALL LAUGHING)
it looks like something
that came out of a Cracker Jacks box.
- JOHNNY: Yeah!
-(ALL LAUGHING)
-it's a low-budget film.
- JOHNNY: Yeah, right.
To this day, one of those guys still has
an autographed picture of Briggs
hanging in his cell.
Wait, wait, wait.
They went through with the buy?
- Yeah, they made the buy.
- JOHNNY: We nailed them all.
Hey, guys. I gotta be in this movie.
- You sure you're ready, son?
- Come on, man.
Yeah. Okay.
If Felix asks, you tell him
that you play my brother-in-law.
But it ain't gonna matter,
'cause he ain't gonna ask.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So I'm married to the prostitute?
Yes! Yes, you're married to...
- Lowrider.
- To Lowrider.
Hydraulics.
- I hope he does ask now.
- Yeah, me, too.
- All right, Escobar. I need you to put this on.
--JOHNNY: Is this plugged in?
Transmits everything to us.
- Oh, no wires?
- Not since The Wire.
Okay, give me a level.
Uh...
it's a pleasure doing business with you.
We're not trying to play to the balcony.
Just talk normal.
Pleasure doing business with you.
- I assume that's our bust line.
- BRIGGS: Yeah.
Sta rt hiring writers.
So I'm in the middle of breakfast this
morning, and I get a call from FBI ops
asking why they haven't been informed
that we're running a reverse
on a Vzakonye dealer.
Imagine my surprise, since I didn't know
we had a Vzakonye dealer.
We don't.
Pulled him off the list a month ago.
- And we're doing this why?
- That would be Lauren's idea.
- Mike Warren, Gerry Silvo. I'm your GS.
-It's a pleasure, sir.
Let me know how long that lasts.
It's almost noon. Briggs taught you
everything he knows yet?
- Yes, sir. Wax-on, wax-off.
- I assume that's an in-joke.
- I don't like in-jokes.
- Understood, sir.
Felix Arroyo. He's got a family,
so he's not likely to rip you.
He's got his wife and kids in there.
He's not gonna start shooting.
- This should be easy.
- Yeah, it should be.
Mike, now remember,
we're gonna be arresting you, too, okay?
So make it look good
in case his buddies are watching.
- Are you nervous?
- Yes, sir.
That's good. Let's do this right.
Don't get shot, Mikey. Kiss for good luck?
No.
Hey, buddy. ls Felix here?
Dad!
- Hey. Paul's friend?
- Mike.
- Felix. Yeah, come on inside.
- Thanks.
- You want some lemonade?
- No. Thanks.
Irena, get us some lemonade, baby.
So you and Paul are friends, huh?
Yeah, yeah. I met him, you know, around.
Yeah? Around?
- Well, he's my brother-in-law.
- Oh.
FELIX: This is Irena.
Nice to meet you.
I married his sister.
She's a hooker.
-20 bucks says he shows them his badge.
- God forbid.
In the movie.
I play his brother-in-law in the movie.
- You in picture with Paul?
- Yes!
(ALL LAUGH)
Sorry.
I was gonna say my family's messed up,
but yours esta loco!
Oh.Yeah.
You also play cop?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(LAUGHS)
He's funny.
Stupid.
FELIX". Me and Mike are gonna
step out for a minute.
IRENA: Of course.
FELIX: So here's the deal, man.
You know how things, they get stacked up?
I mean, this guy doesn't show up.
So now you can't pay that guy.
So you're short.
He doesn't have the money.
Looks like
we just wasted an afternoon, fellas.
No, I wish I was short. I'm out!
It's the economy, you know?
My other guy,
he didn't show up for his stuff.
So what was the other guy buying?
Wait. Hold on for a second.
I think the kid's trying to save it.
FELIX". So maybe you'd be interested in
some merchandise in exchange
for the indoor?
Possibly. What are we talking about here?
Man, it's good stuff. Go check it out, man.
It's in the alley. Come on!
You told him
not to change locations, right?
MIKE: Sure, let's go.
- No, I did not.
- GERRY: Damn it!
I need somebody
out in that alley right now.
MAN". I've lost him. Negative. No control.
I can't get in there without burning it.
- I can get somebody in there on foot.
- Do it.
Johnny, you were fast in fifth grade,
weren't you?
Afterburners, baby. Let's go.
Check it out.
15,000 pairs of Levi's finest.
Jeans? And you wanna trade
straight across for the eight?
Straight up? Come on, man.
You can get like 15 bucks a pair
on the street for these.
- How much is that?
-$180,000.
Yeah! That's a lot of money, Mike.
Yeah, and I'll bet your wife is chewing
your ear off to get this truck out of here.
I'll tell you what.
If you can make this disappear,
then you got a deal.
I'll see what I can do.
It's been a pleasure
doing business with you, Felix.
(FELIX LAUGHING)
Hey! Federal Bureau! Federal Bureau!
What is that guy yelling?
- Federal Bureau!
-(SIRENS WAILING)
Federal Bureau! Federal Bureau!
Spread it! You're both under arrest.
Come on!
Making me work so damn much.
What's wrong with you, man?
Damn, I knew those jeans were bad luck.
OFFICER: Hey, nice job, rookie.
MIKE: Thanks, man.
What the hell are you idiots doing?
You're not supposed
to bring him through here!
- Mike?
- GERRY: Get him out of here!
- That's messed up.
- GERRY: Get him out of here.
Damn.
- BRIGGS: Hey, what happened?
- They walked Felix into Mike.
GERRY: It happened. it's over.
Mangy little...
You are not gonna make this
easy on me, are you?
(swans)
Sergei Nayfeld. 24, Felix Arroyo.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
Arroyo!
Your lawyer's here.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
(WHISPERS) Sir, sir, sir.
That man is not my lawyer.
Do not let him bail me out. Please.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
- CHARLIE: Hey, Levi.
- MIKE: Levi?
CHARLIE: Yeah, you need a nickname.
- I don't think I like Levi.
- Too bad.
You don't get to choose your nickname,
do you, Johnny?
-"Johnny" is a nickname?
- Yep.
Briggs gave it to me.
It's my character in the movie.
Man, you put everyone in the movie,
don't you?
- He begged.
-(LAUGHS)
Check this. Tuturro and Briggs
were undercover with this biker gang.
Tuturro figures if Briggs can do it,
he can, too.
Damn right.
So he tells them
that he plays this tough-guy killer.
JOHNNY: Yeah.
CHARLIE: Without missing a beat,
Briggs tells him,
"Yeah, the guy he shot
was sitting on the toilet."
(ALL LAUGH)
He tells them I shoot this dude
when I catch him reading my dirty mags
on the john.
Two slugs.
One in the arm, one right in the chest.
Couldn't even make me
a good shot, could you?
Bikers started calling him
Johnny after that, and it stuck.
You know what? I like it. Here's to Johnny.
Do you? I'm glad you like it, Levi.
To Levi!
- CHARLIE: Levi!
- JOHNNY: To Levi.
Levi.
Thank you, officer.
Wow.
I didn't know I could afford a lawyer
with such a nice suit.
The police tell me you're a third striker,
and I cannot bail you out.
Yeah. Stolen jeans. it's a tough state.
We need assurance
you will not talk to the feds.
I'm not saying nothing.
Just the same, your family will be
staying with us until this is all over.
No. No, no, no, no. Please.
I will do anything.
Yes, you will.
Start by telling the truth.
What is this crap with the jeans?
It's just a side business, man.
We don't take care of you?
Who is this guy they arrested you with?
It's my brother-in-law.
He's family.
Yeah.
- CHARLIE: I'm unpredictable?
- CORTES: Hey!
- What are we celebrating?
- JOHNNY: What's up, D?
BRIGGS: Levi here popped his cherry today.
- Levi?
- JOHNNY: Yeah.
HEY. Levi!
- Buy you a beer?
- No, I'm good.
Later, then.
Levi, tell me a story, man.
- A story?
- Yeah.
- I got no stories.
- Well, let's think about that.
You just got yourself
a shiny new nickname.
There's gotta be a story in that.
All right, it was a reverse gone wrong,
and I ended up
with a truckload of knockoff jeans.
- Knockoff jeans.
- A truckload.
That is a solid story.
Yeah, you know what? It is a good story.
- What about you?
- Me?
You're very protective of your juice.
You sensing
some deep psychobabble in that?
Stayed in that anal phase too long?
Does not play well with others?
Okay, so you are an only child.
Look, man, you caught me on a bad day,
but I bet you Tuturro was up to mischief.
He's the one who handed you the juice.
Am I right?
I knew it. I knew it.
And you didn't even rat out
his little kale-eating, scrawny ass.
Respect, man.
GERRY: Let's start with the good news.
Turns out that truck full of jeans
was lifted off the port.
Which makes it Customs' problem,
not mine.
Congratulations, Jakes.
You are now the proud owner
of 12,000 knockoff Levi's...
Courtesy of your new bestest buddy, Mike.
- JAKES: We met.
- ALL: Aw!
Come on, Levi.
Bad news is, you just made bail.
BRIGGS: So we're sure
that they have Felix's family.
Yeah.
Felix panicked
when the lawyer asked him about Mike.
Said he was his brother-in-law.
- He said what?
- Yeah. But we got lucky.
Felix does have a brother-in-law
with a passing resemblance to Mike.
- By which I mean he's white.
- Frankie Bout.
We gotta do something about your height.
He's got a scar above his left eye,
and if it comes up,
you've lost a hell of a lot of weight.
Other than that, he's a perfect match.
(WHISPERS) One minute.
Mike, come on.
So how's your new job so far?
Oh, well, it's great.
Cleaned some dishes, learned how to surf.
(LAUGHS)
So what exactly is gonna happen here?
Kidnapping a family is messy, Mike.
They're bailing you out because
they want assurance that Felix won't talk.
They think you're family.
They get you to do something illegal.
Then if Felix talks to us, they turn you in.
Illegal.
Yeah. Um, we've seen them do this before.
They're gonna ask you
to kill someone, Mike.
Now all you gotta do is get a name, okay?
You come back to us, that's it.
We got a guy over at the paper,
he'll play ball with a homicide story,
an obit.
They think the guy's dead,
they let the family go.
You don't have to do this.
Yeah, but if I don't,
what happens to that family?
(swans)
All right.
All right, we gotta assume these
Russian pricks have the same intel we do.
You got exactly one hour
to become this guy.
Your name's Frankie Bout.
You got it, Mike?
- Frankie Bout.
- Yeah.
Your wife's name is Katerina.
She's Felix's wife's sister.
- Her name is Irena.
- Wait, wait.
My wife is Katerina or Felix's?
- Yours. Write it down.
- Sure.
- You ever been to Chi-Town?
- I drove there once in college.
All right, well, now you're from there.
So just remember
Wrigleyville, Sears Tower, Magic Mile.
- Your arrest in '04?
-GTA. I boosted a Firebird.
- Nice. Wife?
- Katerina. She's a year younger than me.
Good man. What's your name?
- Mike? What's your name?
- Uh...
Bout. Frankie Bout. Damn it! I know that.
I know that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
January of this year,
suspicion narco possession.
Arresting officer noted track marks.
This guy's a junkie?
Charlie, we need a makeup job.
CHARLIE: When's the last time
he could've gotten high?
11:30.
You shoot up here,
'cause your watch'll cover these up.
You haven't had a hit in 14 hours.
You're in withdrawal,
so you're gonna be shaky.
- See? You're a natural.
-(LAUGHS)
All right, so I got a pair of
10 and a half boots with three-inch lifts
and a wallet for one Frankie Bout.
It's got the plastic, money, ID, whatever.
CHARLIE: No, no, no.
This guy doesn't have a gold card.
And the only thing he's doing
with a library card is chopping his H.
This thing is brand new. Johnny, go
toss it around in the sand or something.
BRIGGS: Kick it.
All right, Frankie Bout,
this is your transmitter, okay?
Now we can hear you,
but you can't hear us.
Very important.
If they sweep you, press this button.
Cuts the transmission.
Push it again to restart.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
You're tracking me, right?
The GPS signal's too hard to cloak,
but we've got your audio.
Just give us as much info about your 20
as you can without tipping him off.
- You'll be all right.
- Yes, sir.
CHARLIE: Mike, look at me. Come here.
Our guy had a Y-shaped scar
above his left eye.
Just pretend
that Felix came to you tonight and said,
"They took my kids. They took my wife.
You gotta help me."
You can do this.
I like the scar. You look tough.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Johnny, let me see that.
Come on, man.
Guy carries this in his pocket.
- He doesn't drag it behind his car.
-It's dark out there, bro.
- What you want?
- BRIGGS: Perfection.
- What's your name?
- Frankie Bout.
What are we waiting for? Let's do this.
Mikey!
Franklin Bout,
married to the beautiful and sexy Katerina.
OFFICER: Bout, Frankie.
Sign.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You surf?
You should try it. It kicks ass.
Mr. Bout, raise your arms, please.
- MAN: He just stopped transmitting.
- They're sweeping him.
Thank you.
Okay, we got him back.
- SERGEI: You speak Russian?
- MIKE: No, that's my wife.
The only thing I understand in Russian
is "not tonight."
(LAUGHS) My man.
They're moving.
LAUREN: I'm going in on this.
GERRY: No, you're not.
You set this whole thing in motion.
Get out of here.
I can go over your head.
Yeah, you could.
But I don't want an agent out there looking
for revenge and neither does your boss.
Now get out of here.
Kincaid!
Sit down. Listen in.
Who's Souren?
Oh. Must be the guy who owns the place.
Got that?
Souren's Auto Shop on Lakewood.
(BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Frankie, right?
Have a seat.
- How is Felix?
- He's worried about his family.
You're also his family.
Yeah.
You need something? Coffee, water?
No, thanks. I'm fine.
Benji, bring him some water.
You drop a few pounds recently?
It's a juice cleanse.
(LAUGHS)
Is that the one where you skip the carbs
and shoot up on smack?
(ALL LAUGH)
Can we just get to it?
You're right.
Felix's wife and kids should go home.
- All right, well, what do you want me to do?
-(GLASS CLATTERING)
-(ALL SHOUTING)
Forget it. Get him out of here.
- We're losing him.
- Pull him back, Mikey. Pull him back.
Whatever you need me to do, I can do.
I can!
No, you can't!
'Cause you're goddamn junkie.
(swans)
I don't want you screwing up
and blowing this back in my face.
Come on, what,
do you want me to kill somebody?
I can kill somebody. I've done it before.
- You?
-(MAN LAUGHING)
- You killed someone?
- Yeah.
- Where's he going with this?
- I wish I knew, boss.
Well, if you let Irena and the kids go,
I'll do whatever you want.
I want you to think very carefully
about what you're going
to say to me next, Frankie.
I've got friends in law enforcement.
I can check details.
H' you're lying to me, I'm going to know.
Have a seat.
Who'd you kill?
I shot a guy
while he was sitting on the toilet.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Nice. Mikey, nice!
What's nice?
The kid's gonna get himself killed.
Okay, I need a cold case report
entered into NCIC.
This is gonna be an unsolved homicide,
Los Angeles, two years ago.
- He's ripping off my story.
- No, no, no. Johnny, he's surfing.
- SEMION: Where did this go down?
- Los Angeles, about two years ago.
What are you, a mind reader now?
- Somebody clue me in.
- CHARLIE: Chief.
The new kid? He's smart.
He took my magazine into the john.
Who does that?
I'd kill him.
- I would.
- MIKE: Exactly, man.
So I let him get in there and get settled.
I walk over to the door.
I kick it in, bam. Pop him in the chest.
Twice.
Who's going to fight
with pants around their ankles?
My man.
I need to check the national database,
unsolved homicide.
All right, body found partially clothed,
upstairs bathroom.
- Got it.
- BRIGGS: Submit it. Let's go!
They've got some kind of encryption block
on the NCIC server.
- Just bypass the firewall.
- BRIGGS: Hit the damn send key!
What was his name?
They called him Crazy Jakes.
Wait, wait! Hold up! Alias Crazy Jakes.
Come on. Come on, come on, come on!
Let's go.
Los Angeles homicide
said they found this guy
dead in his toilet, two shots, like he said.
- SEMION: Wow.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- So you whacked someone.
- Good job.
(SEMION LAUGHS)
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
Are you high right now?
I've been in lockup for 14 hours.
All right. You help us out,
we'll let the woman and the kids go.
All right, who's it gonna be?
A pro like you? Let's make it a surprise.
No, wait. Wait, whoa, whoa.
We're doing this now?
Why? You got to be somewhere?
So where we going?
You know,
Horace Greeley would not approve.
Who is Horace?
- Horace Greeley. Go west, young man.
- They're taking him east.
It's house on left corner.
- Here's the key.
- Where'd you get this?
He has a Russian housekeeper.
It's not your problem.
Kill the man in the back bedroom.
Be sure he's dead.
Fire all the bullets. Bring this back to us.
502 Worthington.
I hope you guys can hear me.
We got an address. Pull it up.
GERRY: I want backup cars rolling
in that direction now.
- Got nothing on an owner.
- Bank repo? Sublet?
I need to know what Warren's walking into.
What are you thinking?
We crash this thing
-with a bunch of units rolling in...
- We lose the family.
Yeah, at least. I can get in there.
Yeah. Go.
(EXHALES)
I'm going in.
He's in the house, people.
Tell me something.
Hang on. The house has a government tag.
- What, like WitSec?
- Some kind of safe house.
Excuse me.
-"Excuse me"?
- DONNIE: Who are you?
I'm not here to hurt you.
If that's true, then put the gun down.
It's Donnie.
They're sending him in to kill Donnie.
Some kid breaks into the house
with a gun, what do you do?
- I'd kill him.
- Kill him.
Lauren, get Donnie on the phone now.
- Where's my Bureau chief?
- Nobody wants to wake him up.
Wake everybody up.
(PHONE RINGS)
Put it down.
- Put the gun down.
- I wish I could.
(PHONE RINGING)
Put it down,
or I'm gonna shoot you this time.
I can't.
- Who are you?
- I'm Mike Warren, FBI.
- Let's see some ID.
- I don't have any.
Bad day for you.
Um, okay.
See these track marks? They're fake.
I'm undercover.
Who sent you?
The Vzakonye.
They're outside this house right now,
and they sent me in here to kill you.
Russian bastards
aren't gonna finish me off.
Wait.
You're Donnie Banks?
You're a lousy hit man, kid.
Just...
- Where'd you get those?
- I'm your new roommate.
- You're at Graceland.
- Yeah.
- What else did you take out of my room?
- Nothing.
Lauren, she told me not to unpack.
Come on, man. You gotta believe me.
It's my first day. (LAUGHS)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
You're gonna do exactly as I do.
(swans)
- You transmitting?
- Yeah, they can hear us back at command.
Hey, guys, it's Donnie.
Met the new roommate, Mike.
Almost shot him.
MIKE: Yep, he almost shat me.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Oh, my God. Yeah, you almost shot me.
(LAUGHS)
Donnie almost shot Mike. That's crazy.
MIKE: I gotta finish this.
(SHOTS FIRING)
(EXHALES)
I gotta go.
Yeah, you didn't tell me
he was a goddamn DEA agent!
He took two shots at me!
- Is he dead?
- Yeah, he's dead.
Give me the gun and get in the car.
- You let the wife and the kids go?
- Yeah. Get in the car.
Yeah, you know what?
I think I'm gonna walk.
The neighbors heard the shots.
Get in the car.
- Why do you want me to get in the car?
- Don't be stupid.
- This is your last chance.
- Get in the car.
Somethings wrong.
- Yeah, get in the car.
- Or what?
(GUNSHOTS)
(HORN BLARING)
MIKE: Briggs?
BRIGGS: Silva, if you can hear me,
we need an ambulance aver here right now.
My guess, get you to kill Donnie,
they take you out somewhere,
shoot you, make it look like a suicide,
then if Felix ever talks,
they make sure somebody finds your gun.
(LAUGHS) This is news to me.
Hey, you in the back, show me your hands.
SEMION: Now come on, guys. it's all cool.
- BRIGGS: Do it!
- Hey, come on.
- Just do what he says, all right?
- Do it now!
I'm okay.
Just put your hands up, okay?
Just do what he says.
What? How did you...
Mike just cut transmission.
- You saw the gun?
- Yeah, I see it right there.
He's back.
This is Agent Warren. Shots fired.
Two men down. Where's the ambulance?
Agent Briggs saved my life.
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)
WOMAN {ON TELEVISION}: A morning raid
at the Russian Vzakonye cartel
by a joint federal task farce
resulted in several key arrests today.
The raid came after a firefight between
federal agents and members of the cartel
that left one cartel member injured...
CHARLIE: Don't let it go to your head, Mike.
No, ma'am.
We did good.
JOHNNY: Hell, yeah, we did good!
Hey! Alex! Sophia!
Thanks.
The driver made a move to his weapon,
and that's when Agent Briggs fired?
Yes, ma'am.
And you both ordered
the man in back to show his hands,
-and instead he drew his weapon?
- Correct again.
- Agent Warren?
- Yes, ma'am.
Sounds like a clean shoot to me.
So are we good here?
- Briggs?
- Yeah, I'm good.
Warren, anything to add?
No, ma'am. We're good.
- Excellent work, both of you.
- Thank you.
- BRIGGS: All right, man. Glasses up.
- MIKE: Oh, man.
Now look, as rookies, we all bought dope.
Some of us even on the job, actually.
But today was one to remember. Cheers.
- MIKE: Thank you.
- JOHNNY: Yup.
Mmm.
MIKE: No, no. Wait.
Too much studying, not enough partying.
No, no, no. Listen.
Back east, we don't dance with it.
We just drink it.
- JOHNNY: Okay.
- BRIGGS: Really?
BRIGGS: I wanna let you know no matter
how much bitching Silvo does,
you did good today.
- Thank you, sir.
- Yeah.
That means a lot.
Well, you know, Mike, you are now
an undercover agent for the Bureau, okay?
That means from this moment on,
your lies are your life.
Yes, sir.
You know, you're out on the street.
You meet some fine little love 'n' touch.
You better lie to her.
You know, your parents
call you on a Sunday afternoon,
"Hey, Mike, what you working on?"
You lie to them.
How do you do it, though?
I mean, how do you... The lies.
How do you just keep from going crazy,
you know?
Who says I haven't?
No one, sir.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Mind if I take this?
- Hey, it's your party.
- Thanks.
- JOHNNY: Hey, yo!
- CHARLIE: Where are you going?
- MIKE: Just give me...
- JOHNNY: I told you the boy
does not know how to party. Yo, Mike!
Agent Campbell. You were very right.
There's no way I could've predicted this.
You actually listened to my speech.
You know, I did.
Agent Briggs saved your life. That true?
Yes, sir, he did.
I'm calling to let you know that
your assignment is to investigate Briggs.
Will what he did affect that ability?
- No, sir.
- Good.
Keep that attitude, and you'll still
make deputy director one day.
I appreciate that, sir.
Keep your head down, Mike.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
BRIGGS: Hey.
- We're missing you over there.
- Oh.
You know, I heard they kind of
slammed you with this job, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, they did.
DC one minute,
the next you got sand in your shoes.
No idea why?
No, sir.
Ripped By mstoll
AGENT CAMPBELL:
I remember that day very clearly.
And I was sitting right where
you are sitting today.
I was ready to knock down the door,
to kick some righteous ass.
(LAUGHTER)
Just like you.
I just knew I was the smartest,
the fastest,
the best this institution had to offer.
And then...
And then I stepped into the real world.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
AGENT CAMPBELL: We are here today
to honor the 50 newest agents
of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
I'm talking to you, ladies and gentlemen,
because inside these walls,
you all are the best of the best.
But I just want to take just a moment
to think about what's going to happen
outside these walls.
You all are walking off
one battlefield in here
and onto another battlefield out there.
The difference being,
the battlefield out there is real,
and the dangers are real.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)
Ah, Sputnik.
AGENT CAMPBELL:
Everything you've acquired of value
in your short time on this earth,
everything you are worth
is locked inside of you,
and that means, at this moment,
you find yourself
in a unique position
you may never be in again.
You have nothing to lose.
Let's cook it up!
AGENT CAMPBELL: I'll leave you with this.
Whatever you think success means,
I hope you'll stay open to the possibility
that you've got it all wrong.
That you have absolutely no idea
what life has got in store for you.
You will make mistakes.
You are not perfect.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
AGENT CAMPBELL: You will fail.
And when that day comes
and you figure it out,
I hope you'll have the brains, the guts,
and the straight-up good luck to survive it.
(SCREAMS IN RUSSIAN)
(ALL SHOUTING)
(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)
(COUGHING)
(TIRES SQUEAL)
Congratulations.
You are now agents
of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
(APPLAUSE)
Do me proud.
(CROWD WHISTLING AND CHEERING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING)
Hey, yo, Briggs!
Hey.
Come on, time to get up, man.
We got five full sets coming in.
Get out, Johnny. I have a gun.
(LAUGHS) Yeah? So do I. Come on, let's go.
Come on, man. Now, is that cool?
You told me no matter what you said
or how ugly you got,
not to let you sleep in, right?
I'd been awake 32 hours when I said that.
So what? No, if I let you nod off,
you're just gonna yell at me
-'cause I didn't do what you said. Let's go.
-(KNOCKING)
Dang it, man.
(KNOCKING)
- No.
-(DOOR OPENS)
God, I'm sorry, Paul. Were you sleeping?
Should I come back later?
You know, boss, that would be swell.
No. No, no.
It's time to rise and shine.
Lauren! Tuturro!
What a dick.
- LAUREN: What?
- JOHNNY: Yo.
Need you to get Donnie's stuff
out of his room.
- Donnie's not dead.
- For what?
I didn't say he was dead.
I said his stuff was in the way.
We got a new agent coming in.
You got two hours.
- What?
- Hell, no. That's Donnie's room.
You're not replacing Donnie,
and I'm going back to bed.
No, you're not. He's your new trainee.
Name's Mike Warren.
Graduated top of his class at Quantico.
So did Briggs,
and he can't even match his socks.
These aren't my socks.
-1,700 on his practicals?
- Yeah, your record still stands.
Lauren, where are you going?
- Don't worry about it.
- JOHNNY: What, he's got a 1,700?
Is he, like, a savant, or something?
Boss, does anybody happen to notice
the kid doesn't speak Spanish?
Yeah, they're putting him
through linguistics training now.
- Lauren!
-(SPEAKING SPANISH)
He runs a 440 mile.
I was doing that in the fifth grade.
- Yeah, but you're a stud, Johnny.
- True.
His plane lands at 0800.
Briggs, be there to pick him up.
Okay.
-800.
- Yes, sir.
- Johnny, need you to go to the airport.
- No, man, no. it's my day off.
I don't want to spend all morning
in some terminal.
- And there's no picture, so I'm...
- Yeah, well, make a sign or something.
He's an undercover. I can't make a sign.
Can I?
I'm going surfing.
How am I supposed to find this guy?
I don't know. Be a problem solver, Johnny.
Be mexcellent.
And scramble me some eggs, par favor?
What a dick.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Oh. (LAUGHS)
I'm sorry. I don't speak Spanish.
- You said you like the food.
- Yeah, it's...
Ah! You're learning español.
- Si.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
it's a job requirement.
I thought I was going to DC,
and then the last minute, I'm...
Well, I'm headed to California.
What do you do?
I'm a teacher.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- So's my brother.
- Yeah?
- What school?
-It's a new one.
Yeah, it's brand new.
It doesn't have a name yet.
- Yeah.
- FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me, sir?
Are you Special Agent Mike Warren
with the FBI?
Yeah.
This message was patched to you
through the cockpit phone.
"Agent Warren,
wait under the baggage claim sign
"in Terminal C
for your field training agent to arrive.
"Do not leave the baggage area
under any circumstances."
Thank you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Excuse me?
It means, "Hands up."
it's probably not on your lessons.
MAN (OVER PA): Passengers arriving
an Flight 26 from Dulles, Virginia,
your luggage will be available
on Baggage Claim C.
Excuse me.
MAN (OVER PA): This is the fins/boarding
call for all passengers an Flight number 122.
You hunger and hope
Stronger than what
any change could bring
So we sing
I know this one is
beautiful
(LAUGHS)
Mike Warren, right?
Yeah.
You wanna know how I knew that?
'Cause I was told
to wait underneath this sign and I am?
No, because only a guy
who got a 1,700 on his practicals
and was told to wait under a sign is still
gonna be waiting there two hours later.
Where's Agent Briggs?
Who says I ain't Briggs?
Well, you just said "1,700"
like you were impressed.
Paul Briggs got a higher score than I did,
so from that,
I would conclude that you didn't.
(LAUGHS)
I'm Tuturro. Everybody calls me Johnny.
- Dude, what's with the hand thing?
-It improves gun control.
Okay, yeah.
(SPANISH RADIO PLAYING)
- Hey, what are you listening to?
-It's Spanish for the language requirement.
It's a bitch, right? How you getting it?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(LAUGHS) That's good.
Dude, this place is a melting pot.
Hey, ladies.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
-(BOTH LAUGH)
- No? No?
(LAUGHS)
What did you say to them?
I said, "No matter what they say,
I'm gonna hold it against them."
- But you surf?
- No.
- You got shorts?
- No.
- Flips?
- No. What?
Sunscreen?
- No.
God, your white ass is gonna burn.
All right, you gotta go shopping, okay?
- Okay.
- All right.
Mike? Mike!
MIKE: Do the people around here know?
- JOHNNY: What, that we're feds?
- Yeah.
No. No, we tell them different things.
Briggs tells people he's a Tae Bo instructor.
Charlie says she's a trust fund kid.
Yo, one chick I'm dating
thinks I'm a Learjet pilot.
- She believes that?
- Yeah, she...
Dude, you see this?
Learjet key.
- Looks like a bike lock.
- You are smarter than the chick I'm dating.
Tell me about Briggs.
- He's the best agent I've ever seen.
- That's what I hear, man.
This is it. Not bad, huh?
Hey, why do they call it "Graceland"?
When they seized it from this drug lord,
he was apparently some hardcore Elvis fan,
and when they turned it into a flophouse
for us, the name just kind of stuck.
Hey, be glad
you're not moving in a lot of stuff, bro.
All right, so you, me,
Briggs and Charlie are FBI.
Lauren and Donnie are DEA.
So is Paige,
but she's on a case for a couple days.
And Jakes. Jakes is Customs.
It works,
having three agencies in one house?
We all start to blend together after a while.
If you have civilians over,
they stay down here, okay?
Nobody's allowed past those stairs
without a badge.
So no local girls upstairs. I know, it sucks.
Yo, you know what this is?
Looks like a chore wheel.
You are smart. We all take turns cleaning.
Dishes, toilets, all that.
For now, wherever it says "Donnie,"
you write in your name.
- Donnie's the DEA guy who...
- Got shot?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Is he all right?
- He's alive.
That's about all we know right now.
They got him locked away
in some safe house, so...
But good news is, he doesn't have
to clean the bathrooms tomorrow.
So mop's in the hall closet, brother.
Come on, Mikey.
(PHONE RINGS)
Okay, dude. This? This is the phone room.
This is where you'll make all your UC calls.
- Do not...
- Out!
(PHONE RINGS)
- Hello?
- That's Lauren. Donnie was her partner.
- That sucks.
-(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
Donnie was under with the Gallardo cartel
out of Tijuana.
- He was doing a needle drop.
- What's that?
Well, they expect him to test
the quality of the heroin by shooting up.
- Right.
- So he pretends to inject himself.
But what he's really doing
is sticking the needle
in a little rubber ball
he's got tucked into his arm.
- Ball popped out, they shot him.
- Damn.
Yeah. it'll be that way sometimes.
Hey, Briggs! I got your new guy out here.
(OBJECT CRASHES AGAINST DOOR)
Yeah. You'll meet him later.
Let's check out your room.
- Pretty dope, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, Mike Warren. New guy.
This is my partner's room.
Don't touch anything.
Don't get comfortable.
Okay.
- You play tennis.
-(COCKS GUN)
Yes.
Yo, don't worry about her. For real.
But maybe don't move
a lot of Donnie's stuff at first.
Yo, find me later.
We'll grab something to eat.
Thanks, Johnny.
- MAN: No, no, man. This a Golden Conure.
- CORTES: I know that.
Every white couple in the Valley, man,
they pay you $2,000!
All right,
me give you $200 for them, final price.
No, man. We cool, man, yeah?
-$250.
- All right, you have a deal.
But all of the birds, they better talk.
And that's that.
- Just like my wife.
- So she talk and talk.
And talk and talk.
- Your wife can't shut up.
- No, she can't.
You know this, man. I have to live with her.
- You know her.
- Okay?
- Respect.
- Respect, yes.
Gonna get a new home, huh? You, too.
I don't like you.
- How you doing, sweetheart?
- Hi.
JOHNNY:
Feel free to grab some more juice, dude.
- Thanks.
- Take all you want. it's yours.
What's all this?
Yo, Jakes. Mike Warren, Bureau.
He's taking Donnie's room.
You work Customs.
You work Customs.
Johnny told me that you were working
on a bird smuggling operation.
I didn't realize that was a problem
here on the West Coast.
It is. Half a million birds a year.
Yeah, you also gotta watch out
for the bird flu, right, Jakes?
Yeah, a virus can take down a whole city.
That's my juice, man.
Excuse me?
Do you see a "D" and a "J" on it?
Oh!
"DJ." I thought it was an
I thought someone labeled it "OJ."
- OJ.
- Yeah.
The guy who killed the white woman.
- No, I didn't...
- Dale Jakes.
-(LAUGHING)
- DJ. Just like this DJ.
You check the milk,
guess what you gonna find.
DJ?
Yep, just like everything else
on that top shelf.
Sorry.
- Do I look like your frat buddy?
- Nope.
- Am I one of your college pals?
-It won't happen again.
It looked like an "O" to me, man.
I don't know why he's messing.
Your new boy ate my cereal.
Mmm.
- What's up?
- JOHNNY: What's up, man?
You must be Warren.
Yes, sir. You're Agent Briggs.
- Mmm-hmm.
-(LAUGHS)
I'm honored to be training with you, sir.
Excellent.
- I'm ready to begin.
- Now?
Yes, sir.
Good attitude, Warren.
You familiar with the chore wheel?
- Yes, sir.
- Okay.
To get you started, wherever it says
"Briggs," I want you to substitute "Mike."
it'll help you with the whole
undercover name association thing.
So tonight, where it says "Dishes, Briggs,"
- I want you to think...
-"Dishes, Mike."
-1,700 on your practicals.
- Yeah.
Think of it as a whole wax-on,
wax-off sort of thing.
Ah.
Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me,
I'm off in pursuit
of the perfect bottle of rum.
Bingo.
That's Paul Briggs?
That's Briggs.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-(WOMAN COUGHING)
-(BABY CRYING)
- Yo!
- What?
Get up! You wanna watch him?
- He's your kid.
- I'll watch him.
- You want some?
- Gotta make rent, man.
(BABY CRIES LOUDER)
(THUDS)
FBI. I wanna see your hands.
- You the new guy?
- What?
No guns downstairs.
I'm taking back my 20.
There's no guns downstairs.
- Who's that?
- That's Charlie.
Some damn good gun control
you got there, bro.
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)
Did I scare you?
- No. Why? Did I scare you?
- No.
Where's your stuff?
- Lauren suggested I don't unpack, so...
- I see.
You know, I didn't even get a key.
Well...
- Donnie keeps a spare.
- Thank you.
Hey, tell Lauren about that,
I will shoot you.
Yes, ma'am.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(PHONE RINGING)
(PHONE RINGING)
- Who's this?
- LAUREN: Who do you think it is?
Hey, darling. They took all my cells.
I don't have any caller ID.
They got you back in the Stone Age.
How's the new place?
It's a safe house. it's safe, boring as hell.
Got a gun and a badge and no place to go.
Nurse once a day for the gunshots.
- She hot?
- Yeah, tall and Nordic.
Do an hour of PT a day,
then back to being bored.
The Russians still want me dead?
They're on radio silence,
but you gotta figure.
Mexicans want you dead, too.
I know. So you give away my room yet?
It's not a done deal.
What? They gave away my room?
Okay, there's this new Bureau guy in, but...
Man, that's cold. Not like I'm dead.
I told him not to touch your stuff.
It's not Graceland without you.
- Get strong.
- Yea h.
I never let that damn ball drop,
Lauren, you know?
I know.
(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)
Hey, Warren! Get up.
JOHNNY: Yo, Briggs!
You were supposed to wake me up, sucker!
All right, Mikey.
It's a south swell with a five-foot face.
It breaks left, so steer clear of the pier
or you're gonna get slammed.
Right, south swell,
don't get slammed on the pier.
Why is it important we do this?
Because when you catch that ride,
better than sex.
True.
This is about learning
how to control your energy, okay?
Understanding your body's connection
to the things around it.
- Better than sex?
- Not in my world.
Sometimes.
All right. Let's hit it, Poseidon.
Any advice?
Yeah, when you feel that swell
coming up under you,
get on that board and surf.
It's kinda nice
to have you by my side
It's all right, now
It's all right
It's all right, now
It's all right
It's kinda funny
how I wanna say
The things I'm thinkin'
they just get away
All of a sudden
It's the summertime.
All of a sudden
It's the summertime.
All of a sudden
It's the summertime.
All of a sudden
It's the summertime
Come on, boy. Come on, boy, drop it.
Hey, I just bought that. Hey.
Hey. I'm not in the mood for...
Mood for this.
CHARLIE: Enjoying yourself?
No, I'm not.
MIKE: Look at him.
At Quantico, they talk about him
like he's some sort of God.
I mean, a GA award and a Director's award
before he's 30?
I mean, he had more stats in his first year
than his whole squad combined.
So you were expecting somebody
a little more button-down, suit and tie-ish?
- Yeah, something like that.
- He was like that once.
Yeah.
A few years ago, something went down.
He took a leave of absence,
came back all Zenned out like that.
- You don't know what happened?
- Nope.
- He never talks about it.
- You're not curious?
Maybe he's just crazy.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Your Spanish is coming along.
- You like that?
-It's all right.
(LAUGHS)
The house is a tight fit.
You're gonna find out real fast
there are no secrets at Graceland.
- MIKE: Except for Briggs.
- CHARLIE: Yeah, except for Briggs.
That wave's about to get its ass kicked.
Kill it, Mike.
Patterns in the pages
Cut-out shapes and faces
Two-by-two we both
hold closely together
And I tell you
I'm a sure-shot
Shot from the cannon
a safe man
Better we let go
Find out where we 're gain '
JOHNNY: You almost got up.
That's a hell of a start.
MIKE: I've never felt
anything like that before.
I could literally feel the wave
right through my board.
- LAUREN: Briggs!
- Yo.
LAUREN: You got a message
from a guy named Felix Arroyo.
You checking my messages now?
LAUREN:
He wants to make a buy this morning.
Yeah, he's off our active list, Lauren.
Seriously, are you checking
my messages now?
I know his 202. He works for Vzakonye.
Works for...
He probably does their gardening, bro.
He works for Vzakonye.
He was a low-level dealer, Lauren.
We tapped him,
he dropped a few Russian names.
That's it. You know that.
- Come on, Briggs. They shot Donnie.
- Felix didn't.
Anything I can get on these guys...
- Go like this.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's more like it.
You're lucky you have those eyes.
- Mike.
- Yeah?
How'd you like to do a reverse
this morning?
- Do what?
- He wants to buy eight yards of indoor.
Indoor. What's indoor?
"Indoor carpet"
is Felix's code word for cocaine.
- Yard's a key.
- Call in to ops?
No, no, Johnny. it's better
to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
You know that.
(PHONE RINGS)
- Yo!
- BRIGGS: Felix, it's Paul.
Got your message, man. What's up?
- Hey, Paul. Qué passa??
-(SPEAKING SPANISH)
- Thought he was Russian.
- No, he's Mexican. He just works for them.
His wife's Russian. Dude, I told you.
Melting pot, right?
FELIX: Can you hook me up
with eight yards of the indoor?
-20 a yard?
- No can do, compadre.
Come on, man.
You said you could hook me up
anytime I needed that.
I got people counting on me.
Man.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got somebody who can bring it by.
- Your amigo is mi amigo.
- All right. Your casa, two hours.
I'll see him then.
Surfs up.
MIKE: Where we setting up?
JOHNNY: The techs found us this vacant
a block away from Felix's.
- Cool.
- Yeah, should be good.
- BRIGGS: All right, Agent Warren.
- MIKE: Yeah?
BRIGGS:
This is gonna be a simple reverse, okay?
You're gonna walk in,
you're gonna make the deal,
-you're gonna give us the bust signal.
- Okay, what's my name?
- Your name is Mike.
- Yeah?
Go with Mike.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- MIKE: A last name?
- Don't give him a last name, Mike.
"No last..."
Hey, why did you do that?
Because you can't take
a crib sheet with you, okay?
Look, just keep it simple.
See, bad guys don't tend
to ask a lot of questions
because they don't want you
asking a lot of questions. You feel me?
MIKE: How do you and I know each other
if he asks?
BRIGGS: If he asks, just say "around."
We can make it a little interesting.
Put him in the movie.
- BRIGGS: No, man!
- JOHNNY: Why not?
That contradicts
everything I just said, John.
So what?
- Um, what movie?
-It's nothing.
- JOHNNY: I'll tell it!
- No.
(swans)
All right, look.
The Colima, right, these guys are hardcore.
Type of dudes that'll shoot you
to make sure that the gun works.
Yeah.
BRIGGS: In the middle of this sting,
I get some stupid award.
Dude, Top Seizure Agent of the Year award.
CNN, in their infinite wisdom,
they send a camera crew.
So for about a week,
I've got my face plastered all over the TV.
- Not good.
- Not good at all.
BRIGGS: Now, we're meeting
with some of the top guys in the family.
This right here, my friends,
is the best booger sugar in Cali.
Find none better.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I know you.
Yeah. Yeah, we both know Richie.
Tall guy, cockeyed.
BRIGGS": They know they've seen my face,
but they can't place it.
Now they're getting spooked.
The TV.
Tell him what you said, Briggs.
Just tell him.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
Yeah, it's true. You got me.
I don't brag about it, but I'm an actor.
Sometimes I play a cop in the movies.
- They believed that? (LAUGHS)
- Hell, no! No.
BRIGGS: So now we got gun barrels
jammed under our chins, right?
And I just start talking out of my ass.
I'm sure you've seen the trailer.
It's a movie about cops
who are undercover as hookers.
Bullshit.
No, no, no. Hey, straight up, man.
The dude is famous.
Look, you know, I play a cop who goes
under as a male hooker named Shasta.
- A hooker?
- BRIGGS: Yeah.
Yeah, and how the woman I marry,
turns out that her sister is a real hooker.
Your wife's sister is a prostitute.
Yeah. Never said it was a good movie.
You know, her pimp calls her
"Lowrider" because, you know,
you pull the strings on her panties,
her ass starts bouncing up and down
like it's on hydraulics, you know?
The movie ends with nine hookers hauling
ass down Sunset Boulevard in full heels.
You know, it's called Sunset Bust.
JOHNNY: So Briggs did the craziest thing.
They're not buying any of this, dude.
Like none of it. Tell him what you did.
May I show you something?
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Easy.
BRIGGS". Well, basically,
I know we're screwed if they search us,
so I pull out my badge
and I toss it on the bed.
Prop from the movie.
And?
BRIGGS: And they're looking at it real close.
MIKE: Right.
(LAUGHING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(ALL LAUGHING)
it looks like something
that came out of a Cracker Jacks box.
- JOHNNY: Yeah!
-(ALL LAUGHING)
-it's a low-budget film.
- JOHNNY: Yeah, right.
To this day, one of those guys still has
an autographed picture of Briggs
hanging in his cell.
Wait, wait, wait.
They went through with the buy?
- Yeah, they made the buy.
- JOHNNY: We nailed them all.
Hey, guys. I gotta be in this movie.
- You sure you're ready, son?
- Come on, man.
Yeah. Okay.
If Felix asks, you tell him
that you play my brother-in-law.
But it ain't gonna matter,
'cause he ain't gonna ask.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So I'm married to the prostitute?
Yes! Yes, you're married to...
- Lowrider.
- To Lowrider.
Hydraulics.
- I hope he does ask now.
- Yeah, me, too.
- All right, Escobar. I need you to put this on.
--JOHNNY: Is this plugged in?
Transmits everything to us.
- Oh, no wires?
- Not since The Wire.
Okay, give me a level.
Uh...
it's a pleasure doing business with you.
We're not trying to play to the balcony.
Just talk normal.
Pleasure doing business with you.
- I assume that's our bust line.
- BRIGGS: Yeah.
Sta rt hiring writers.
So I'm in the middle of breakfast this
morning, and I get a call from FBI ops
asking why they haven't been informed
that we're running a reverse
on a Vzakonye dealer.
Imagine my surprise, since I didn't know
we had a Vzakonye dealer.
We don't.
Pulled him off the list a month ago.
- And we're doing this why?
- That would be Lauren's idea.
- Mike Warren, Gerry Silvo. I'm your GS.
-It's a pleasure, sir.
Let me know how long that lasts.
It's almost noon. Briggs taught you
everything he knows yet?
- Yes, sir. Wax-on, wax-off.
- I assume that's an in-joke.
- I don't like in-jokes.
- Understood, sir.
Felix Arroyo. He's got a family,
so he's not likely to rip you.
He's got his wife and kids in there.
He's not gonna start shooting.
- This should be easy.
- Yeah, it should be.
Mike, now remember,
we're gonna be arresting you, too, okay?
So make it look good
in case his buddies are watching.
- Are you nervous?
- Yes, sir.
That's good. Let's do this right.
Don't get shot, Mikey. Kiss for good luck?
No.
Hey, buddy. ls Felix here?
Dad!
- Hey. Paul's friend?
- Mike.
- Felix. Yeah, come on inside.
- Thanks.
- You want some lemonade?
- No. Thanks.
Irena, get us some lemonade, baby.
So you and Paul are friends, huh?
Yeah, yeah. I met him, you know, around.
Yeah? Around?
- Well, he's my brother-in-law.
- Oh.
FELIX: This is Irena.
Nice to meet you.
I married his sister.
She's a hooker.
-20 bucks says he shows them his badge.
- God forbid.
In the movie.
I play his brother-in-law in the movie.
- You in picture with Paul?
- Yes!
(ALL LAUGH)
Sorry.
I was gonna say my family's messed up,
but yours esta loco!
Oh.Yeah.
You also play cop?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(LAUGHS)
He's funny.
Stupid.
FELIX". Me and Mike are gonna
step out for a minute.
IRENA: Of course.
FELIX: So here's the deal, man.
You know how things, they get stacked up?
I mean, this guy doesn't show up.
So now you can't pay that guy.
So you're short.
He doesn't have the money.
Looks like
we just wasted an afternoon, fellas.
No, I wish I was short. I'm out!
It's the economy, you know?
My other guy,
he didn't show up for his stuff.
So what was the other guy buying?
Wait. Hold on for a second.
I think the kid's trying to save it.
FELIX". So maybe you'd be interested in
some merchandise in exchange
for the indoor?
Possibly. What are we talking about here?
Man, it's good stuff. Go check it out, man.
It's in the alley. Come on!
You told him
not to change locations, right?
MIKE: Sure, let's go.
- No, I did not.
- GERRY: Damn it!
I need somebody
out in that alley right now.
MAN". I've lost him. Negative. No control.
I can't get in there without burning it.
- I can get somebody in there on foot.
- Do it.
Johnny, you were fast in fifth grade,
weren't you?
Afterburners, baby. Let's go.
Check it out.
15,000 pairs of Levi's finest.
Jeans? And you wanna trade
straight across for the eight?
Straight up? Come on, man.
You can get like 15 bucks a pair
on the street for these.
- How much is that?
-$180,000.
Yeah! That's a lot of money, Mike.
Yeah, and I'll bet your wife is chewing
your ear off to get this truck out of here.
I'll tell you what.
If you can make this disappear,
then you got a deal.
I'll see what I can do.
It's been a pleasure
doing business with you, Felix.
(FELIX LAUGHING)
Hey! Federal Bureau! Federal Bureau!
What is that guy yelling?
- Federal Bureau!
-(SIRENS WAILING)
Federal Bureau! Federal Bureau!
Spread it! You're both under arrest.
Come on!
Making me work so damn much.
What's wrong with you, man?
Damn, I knew those jeans were bad luck.
OFFICER: Hey, nice job, rookie.
MIKE: Thanks, man.
What the hell are you idiots doing?
You're not supposed
to bring him through here!
- Mike?
- GERRY: Get him out of here!
- That's messed up.
- GERRY: Get him out of here.
Damn.
- BRIGGS: Hey, what happened?
- They walked Felix into Mike.
GERRY: It happened. it's over.
Mangy little...
You are not gonna make this
easy on me, are you?
(swans)
Sergei Nayfeld. 24, Felix Arroyo.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
Arroyo!
Your lawyer's here.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
(WHISPERS) Sir, sir, sir.
That man is not my lawyer.
Do not let him bail me out. Please.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
- CHARLIE: Hey, Levi.
- MIKE: Levi?
CHARLIE: Yeah, you need a nickname.
- I don't think I like Levi.
- Too bad.
You don't get to choose your nickname,
do you, Johnny?
-"Johnny" is a nickname?
- Yep.
Briggs gave it to me.
It's my character in the movie.
Man, you put everyone in the movie,
don't you?
- He begged.
-(LAUGHS)
Check this. Tuturro and Briggs
were undercover with this biker gang.
Tuturro figures if Briggs can do it,
he can, too.
Damn right.
So he tells them
that he plays this tough-guy killer.
JOHNNY: Yeah.
CHARLIE: Without missing a beat,
Briggs tells him,
"Yeah, the guy he shot
was sitting on the toilet."
(ALL LAUGH)
He tells them I shoot this dude
when I catch him reading my dirty mags
on the john.
Two slugs.
One in the arm, one right in the chest.
Couldn't even make me
a good shot, could you?
Bikers started calling him
Johnny after that, and it stuck.
You know what? I like it. Here's to Johnny.
Do you? I'm glad you like it, Levi.
To Levi!
- CHARLIE: Levi!
- JOHNNY: To Levi.
Levi.
Thank you, officer.
Wow.
I didn't know I could afford a lawyer
with such a nice suit.
The police tell me you're a third striker,
and I cannot bail you out.
Yeah. Stolen jeans. it's a tough state.
We need assurance
you will not talk to the feds.
I'm not saying nothing.
Just the same, your family will be
staying with us until this is all over.
No. No, no, no, no. Please.
I will do anything.
Yes, you will.
Start by telling the truth.
What is this crap with the jeans?
It's just a side business, man.
We don't take care of you?
Who is this guy they arrested you with?
It's my brother-in-law.
He's family.
Yeah.
- CHARLIE: I'm unpredictable?
- CORTES: Hey!
- What are we celebrating?
- JOHNNY: What's up, D?
BRIGGS: Levi here popped his cherry today.
- Levi?
- JOHNNY: Yeah.
HEY. Levi!
- Buy you a beer?
- No, I'm good.
Later, then.
Levi, tell me a story, man.
- A story?
- Yeah.
- I got no stories.
- Well, let's think about that.
You just got yourself
a shiny new nickname.
There's gotta be a story in that.
All right, it was a reverse gone wrong,
and I ended up
with a truckload of knockoff jeans.
- Knockoff jeans.
- A truckload.
That is a solid story.
Yeah, you know what? It is a good story.
- What about you?
- Me?
You're very protective of your juice.
You sensing
some deep psychobabble in that?
Stayed in that anal phase too long?
Does not play well with others?
Okay, so you are an only child.
Look, man, you caught me on a bad day,
but I bet you Tuturro was up to mischief.
He's the one who handed you the juice.
Am I right?
I knew it. I knew it.
And you didn't even rat out
his little kale-eating, scrawny ass.
Respect, man.
GERRY: Let's start with the good news.
Turns out that truck full of jeans
was lifted off the port.
Which makes it Customs' problem,
not mine.
Congratulations, Jakes.
You are now the proud owner
of 12,000 knockoff Levi's...
Courtesy of your new bestest buddy, Mike.
- JAKES: We met.
- ALL: Aw!
Come on, Levi.
Bad news is, you just made bail.
BRIGGS: So we're sure
that they have Felix's family.
Yeah.
Felix panicked
when the lawyer asked him about Mike.
Said he was his brother-in-law.
- He said what?
- Yeah. But we got lucky.
Felix does have a brother-in-law
with a passing resemblance to Mike.
- By which I mean he's white.
- Frankie Bout.
We gotta do something about your height.
He's got a scar above his left eye,
and if it comes up,
you've lost a hell of a lot of weight.
Other than that, he's a perfect match.
(WHISPERS) One minute.
Mike, come on.
So how's your new job so far?
Oh, well, it's great.
Cleaned some dishes, learned how to surf.
(LAUGHS)
So what exactly is gonna happen here?
Kidnapping a family is messy, Mike.
They're bailing you out because
they want assurance that Felix won't talk.
They think you're family.
They get you to do something illegal.
Then if Felix talks to us, they turn you in.
Illegal.
Yeah. Um, we've seen them do this before.
They're gonna ask you
to kill someone, Mike.
Now all you gotta do is get a name, okay?
You come back to us, that's it.
We got a guy over at the paper,
he'll play ball with a homicide story,
an obit.
They think the guy's dead,
they let the family go.
You don't have to do this.
Yeah, but if I don't,
what happens to that family?
(swans)
All right.
All right, we gotta assume these
Russian pricks have the same intel we do.
You got exactly one hour
to become this guy.
Your name's Frankie Bout.
You got it, Mike?
- Frankie Bout.
- Yeah.
Your wife's name is Katerina.
She's Felix's wife's sister.
- Her name is Irena.
- Wait, wait.
My wife is Katerina or Felix's?
- Yours. Write it down.
- Sure.
- You ever been to Chi-Town?
- I drove there once in college.
All right, well, now you're from there.
So just remember
Wrigleyville, Sears Tower, Magic Mile.
- Your arrest in '04?
-GTA. I boosted a Firebird.
- Nice. Wife?
- Katerina. She's a year younger than me.
Good man. What's your name?
- Mike? What's your name?
- Uh...
Bout. Frankie Bout. Damn it! I know that.
I know that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
January of this year,
suspicion narco possession.
Arresting officer noted track marks.
This guy's a junkie?
Charlie, we need a makeup job.
CHARLIE: When's the last time
he could've gotten high?
11:30.
You shoot up here,
'cause your watch'll cover these up.
You haven't had a hit in 14 hours.
You're in withdrawal,
so you're gonna be shaky.
- See? You're a natural.
-(LAUGHS)
All right, so I got a pair of
10 and a half boots with three-inch lifts
and a wallet for one Frankie Bout.
It's got the plastic, money, ID, whatever.
CHARLIE: No, no, no.
This guy doesn't have a gold card.
And the only thing he's doing
with a library card is chopping his H.
This thing is brand new. Johnny, go
toss it around in the sand or something.
BRIGGS: Kick it.
All right, Frankie Bout,
this is your transmitter, okay?
Now we can hear you,
but you can't hear us.
Very important.
If they sweep you, press this button.
Cuts the transmission.
Push it again to restart.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
You're tracking me, right?
The GPS signal's too hard to cloak,
but we've got your audio.
Just give us as much info about your 20
as you can without tipping him off.
- You'll be all right.
- Yes, sir.
CHARLIE: Mike, look at me. Come here.
Our guy had a Y-shaped scar
above his left eye.
Just pretend
that Felix came to you tonight and said,
"They took my kids. They took my wife.
You gotta help me."
You can do this.
I like the scar. You look tough.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Johnny, let me see that.
Come on, man.
Guy carries this in his pocket.
- He doesn't drag it behind his car.
-It's dark out there, bro.
- What you want?
- BRIGGS: Perfection.
- What's your name?
- Frankie Bout.
What are we waiting for? Let's do this.
Mikey!
Franklin Bout,
married to the beautiful and sexy Katerina.
OFFICER: Bout, Frankie.
Sign.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You surf?
You should try it. It kicks ass.
Mr. Bout, raise your arms, please.
- MAN: He just stopped transmitting.
- They're sweeping him.
Thank you.
Okay, we got him back.
- SERGEI: You speak Russian?
- MIKE: No, that's my wife.
The only thing I understand in Russian
is "not tonight."
(LAUGHS) My man.
They're moving.
LAUREN: I'm going in on this.
GERRY: No, you're not.
You set this whole thing in motion.
Get out of here.
I can go over your head.
Yeah, you could.
But I don't want an agent out there looking
for revenge and neither does your boss.
Now get out of here.
Kincaid!
Sit down. Listen in.
Who's Souren?
Oh. Must be the guy who owns the place.
Got that?
Souren's Auto Shop on Lakewood.
(BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Frankie, right?
Have a seat.
- How is Felix?
- He's worried about his family.
You're also his family.
Yeah.
You need something? Coffee, water?
No, thanks. I'm fine.
Benji, bring him some water.
You drop a few pounds recently?
It's a juice cleanse.
(LAUGHS)
Is that the one where you skip the carbs
and shoot up on smack?
(ALL LAUGH)
Can we just get to it?
You're right.
Felix's wife and kids should go home.
- All right, well, what do you want me to do?
-(GLASS CLATTERING)
-(ALL SHOUTING)
Forget it. Get him out of here.
- We're losing him.
- Pull him back, Mikey. Pull him back.
Whatever you need me to do, I can do.
I can!
No, you can't!
'Cause you're goddamn junkie.
(swans)
I don't want you screwing up
and blowing this back in my face.
Come on, what,
do you want me to kill somebody?
I can kill somebody. I've done it before.
- You?
-(MAN LAUGHING)
- You killed someone?
- Yeah.
- Where's he going with this?
- I wish I knew, boss.
Well, if you let Irena and the kids go,
I'll do whatever you want.
I want you to think very carefully
about what you're going
to say to me next, Frankie.
I've got friends in law enforcement.
I can check details.
H' you're lying to me, I'm going to know.
Have a seat.
Who'd you kill?
I shot a guy
while he was sitting on the toilet.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Nice. Mikey, nice!
What's nice?
The kid's gonna get himself killed.
Okay, I need a cold case report
entered into NCIC.
This is gonna be an unsolved homicide,
Los Angeles, two years ago.
- He's ripping off my story.
- No, no, no. Johnny, he's surfing.
- SEMION: Where did this go down?
- Los Angeles, about two years ago.
What are you, a mind reader now?
- Somebody clue me in.
- CHARLIE: Chief.
The new kid? He's smart.
He took my magazine into the john.
Who does that?
I'd kill him.
- I would.
- MIKE: Exactly, man.
So I let him get in there and get settled.
I walk over to the door.
I kick it in, bam. Pop him in the chest.
Twice.
Who's going to fight
with pants around their ankles?
My man.
I need to check the national database,
unsolved homicide.
All right, body found partially clothed,
upstairs bathroom.
- Got it.
- BRIGGS: Submit it. Let's go!
They've got some kind of encryption block
on the NCIC server.
- Just bypass the firewall.
- BRIGGS: Hit the damn send key!
What was his name?
They called him Crazy Jakes.
Wait, wait! Hold up! Alias Crazy Jakes.
Come on. Come on, come on, come on!
Let's go.
Los Angeles homicide
said they found this guy
dead in his toilet, two shots, like he said.
- SEMION: Wow.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- So you whacked someone.
- Good job.
(SEMION LAUGHS)
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
Are you high right now?
I've been in lockup for 14 hours.
All right. You help us out,
we'll let the woman and the kids go.
All right, who's it gonna be?
A pro like you? Let's make it a surprise.
No, wait. Wait, whoa, whoa.
We're doing this now?
Why? You got to be somewhere?
So where we going?
You know,
Horace Greeley would not approve.
Who is Horace?
- Horace Greeley. Go west, young man.
- They're taking him east.
It's house on left corner.
- Here's the key.
- Where'd you get this?
He has a Russian housekeeper.
It's not your problem.
Kill the man in the back bedroom.
Be sure he's dead.
Fire all the bullets. Bring this back to us.
502 Worthington.
I hope you guys can hear me.
We got an address. Pull it up.
GERRY: I want backup cars rolling
in that direction now.
- Got nothing on an owner.
- Bank repo? Sublet?
I need to know what Warren's walking into.
What are you thinking?
We crash this thing
-with a bunch of units rolling in...
- We lose the family.
Yeah, at least. I can get in there.
Yeah. Go.
(EXHALES)
I'm going in.
He's in the house, people.
Tell me something.
Hang on. The house has a government tag.
- What, like WitSec?
- Some kind of safe house.
Excuse me.
-"Excuse me"?
- DONNIE: Who are you?
I'm not here to hurt you.
If that's true, then put the gun down.
It's Donnie.
They're sending him in to kill Donnie.
Some kid breaks into the house
with a gun, what do you do?
- I'd kill him.
- Kill him.
Lauren, get Donnie on the phone now.
- Where's my Bureau chief?
- Nobody wants to wake him up.
Wake everybody up.
(PHONE RINGS)
Put it down.
- Put the gun down.
- I wish I could.
(PHONE RINGING)
Put it down,
or I'm gonna shoot you this time.
I can't.
- Who are you?
- I'm Mike Warren, FBI.
- Let's see some ID.
- I don't have any.
Bad day for you.
Um, okay.
See these track marks? They're fake.
I'm undercover.
Who sent you?
The Vzakonye.
They're outside this house right now,
and they sent me in here to kill you.
Russian bastards
aren't gonna finish me off.
Wait.
You're Donnie Banks?
You're a lousy hit man, kid.
Just...
- Where'd you get those?
- I'm your new roommate.
- You're at Graceland.
- Yeah.
- What else did you take out of my room?
- Nothing.
Lauren, she told me not to unpack.
Come on, man. You gotta believe me.
It's my first day. (LAUGHS)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
You're gonna do exactly as I do.
(swans)
- You transmitting?
- Yeah, they can hear us back at command.
Hey, guys, it's Donnie.
Met the new roommate, Mike.
Almost shot him.
MIKE: Yep, he almost shat me.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Oh, my God. Yeah, you almost shot me.
(LAUGHS)
Donnie almost shot Mike. That's crazy.
MIKE: I gotta finish this.
(SHOTS FIRING)
(EXHALES)
I gotta go.
Yeah, you didn't tell me
he was a goddamn DEA agent!
He took two shots at me!
- Is he dead?
- Yeah, he's dead.
Give me the gun and get in the car.
- You let the wife and the kids go?
- Yeah. Get in the car.
Yeah, you know what?
I think I'm gonna walk.
The neighbors heard the shots.
Get in the car.
- Why do you want me to get in the car?
- Don't be stupid.
- This is your last chance.
- Get in the car.
Somethings wrong.
- Yeah, get in the car.
- Or what?
(GUNSHOTS)
(HORN BLARING)
MIKE: Briggs?
BRIGGS: Silva, if you can hear me,
we need an ambulance aver here right now.
My guess, get you to kill Donnie,
they take you out somewhere,
shoot you, make it look like a suicide,
then if Felix ever talks,
they make sure somebody finds your gun.
(LAUGHS) This is news to me.
Hey, you in the back, show me your hands.
SEMION: Now come on, guys. it's all cool.
- BRIGGS: Do it!
- Hey, come on.
- Just do what he says, all right?
- Do it now!
I'm okay.
Just put your hands up, okay?
Just do what he says.
What? How did you...
Mike just cut transmission.
- You saw the gun?
- Yeah, I see it right there.
He's back.
This is Agent Warren. Shots fired.
Two men down. Where's the ambulance?
Agent Briggs saved my life.
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)
WOMAN {ON TELEVISION}: A morning raid
at the Russian Vzakonye cartel
by a joint federal task farce
resulted in several key arrests today.
The raid came after a firefight between
federal agents and members of the cartel
that left one cartel member injured...
CHARLIE: Don't let it go to your head, Mike.
No, ma'am.
We did good.
JOHNNY: Hell, yeah, we did good!
Hey! Alex! Sophia!
Thanks.
The driver made a move to his weapon,
and that's when Agent Briggs fired?
Yes, ma'am.
And you both ordered
the man in back to show his hands,
-and instead he drew his weapon?
- Correct again.
- Agent Warren?
- Yes, ma'am.
Sounds like a clean shoot to me.
So are we good here?
- Briggs?
- Yeah, I'm good.
Warren, anything to add?
No, ma'am. We're good.
- Excellent work, both of you.
- Thank you.
- BRIGGS: All right, man. Glasses up.
- MIKE: Oh, man.
Now look, as rookies, we all bought dope.
Some of us even on the job, actually.
But today was one to remember. Cheers.
- MIKE: Thank you.
- JOHNNY: Yup.
Mmm.
MIKE: No, no. Wait.
Too much studying, not enough partying.
No, no, no. Listen.
Back east, we don't dance with it.
We just drink it.
- JOHNNY: Okay.
- BRIGGS: Really?
BRIGGS: I wanna let you know no matter
how much bitching Silvo does,
you did good today.
- Thank you, sir.
- Yeah.
That means a lot.
Well, you know, Mike, you are now
an undercover agent for the Bureau, okay?
That means from this moment on,
your lies are your life.
Yes, sir.
You know, you're out on the street.
You meet some fine little love 'n' touch.
You better lie to her.
You know, your parents
call you on a Sunday afternoon,
"Hey, Mike, what you working on?"
You lie to them.
How do you do it, though?
I mean, how do you... The lies.
How do you just keep from going crazy,
you know?
Who says I haven't?
No one, sir.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Mind if I take this?
- Hey, it's your party.
- Thanks.
- JOHNNY: Hey, yo!
- CHARLIE: Where are you going?
- MIKE: Just give me...
- JOHNNY: I told you the boy
does not know how to party. Yo, Mike!
Agent Campbell. You were very right.
There's no way I could've predicted this.
You actually listened to my speech.
You know, I did.
Agent Briggs saved your life. That true?
Yes, sir, he did.
I'm calling to let you know that
your assignment is to investigate Briggs.
Will what he did affect that ability?
- No, sir.
- Good.
Keep that attitude, and you'll still
make deputy director one day.
I appreciate that, sir.
Keep your head down, Mike.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
BRIGGS: Hey.
- We're missing you over there.
- Oh.
You know, I heard they kind of
slammed you with this job, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, they did.
DC one minute,
the next you got sand in your shoes.
No idea why?
No, sir.
Ripped By mstoll