Grace and Frankie (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 5 - The Raccoon - full transcript

♪ Well, I don't know
Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feeling
That something ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared
In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering
How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

[light-hearted music playing]

[Frankie] Oh, my God, Grace.

Did you fall roller-skating
down the stairs?

'Cause I specifically said in my video
not to try this at home.



Oh, Frankie.

- This was a sex accident.
- Ah.

I've been in one of those.

Ask Sol's pelvis.

Well, I'm sure that's a great story
for never.

This one was due to Nick's ankle bracelet.

Nick did my Dew!

This is an untenable situation.

We'll get new Dew.

Look, I know Nick living here isn't ideal.

Or good at all.

You have to admit, he's trying.

He hollowed out that bagel and stuffed it
with marshmallows for you.

Untoasted.



Well, I'll call
the imperceptible slights police.

No need. I made a Nick voodoo doll.

Let's see.

Oh, Mitch McConnell.

- [sighs]
- Here he is.

Nick living here
wasn't what I wanted either.

But let's just give him a chance
to prove himself.

Well, he can prove it
by getting out of the way today.

Well, he will.

I've made it clear
we're doing things on my terms.

Good.

Because our big toilet cheese
is due in 30 minutes.

And he thinks I'm kind of a whack job.

I wonder where he got that idea.

Could have been
any number of things, Grace.

But after Shark Tank aired,

he decided to give us a second chance,

but only if there's an adult present.

I think there's an adult present.
Between the two of us, we're 161.

God! It is nice to have a bathroom
with a door again.

Though I do miss the applause.

- [Frankie groans]
- It's a little prison humor.

Nick, um...

Nick, we're...

We're gonna have a meeting
in about a half hour,

- so if you could just...
- Of course.

I'll grab my book
and head to the country club.

That's what I'm calling the bedroom. Ah.

That's depressing. Hey, kooky.

Hey, Third Wheel.

Okay, okay. I know you're pissed.

But as a thank-you to both of you,

I swallowed what little pride I have left

and reached out to Mark Cuban
about your toilet.

Really? Oh, my God.

That must've killed you.

Oh, he still has the power
to hurt my feelings.

That's really something, huh, Frankie?

Still out of Dew.

I don't even know if he's gonna call back.

I heard him laughing in the background,
but I owed it to both of you.

Well, it's much appreciated.

[ankle monitor beeping]

Oh, I'm a human Tesla, don't mind me.

Just go about your business
as if I'm not even here.

How are we gonna have a meeting
with the Birdman of Alcatraz

- holding up the wall?
- Don't worry.

I'll play down the house arrest thing

and play up the dropping-the-charges part.

Or we could just pretend the jail thing
never happened.

Oh, I am great at pretending
I'm not a criminal.

I did it for a decade
before anyone caught on.

So, besides the boxes,
they also stole your watch,

some ornamental bookends,
and an assortment of Hawaiian shirts.

Did I get everything?

He stole my sense of security.

Did you write that down?

- Yeah.
- Can I see?

Fine, I'll write it down.

Detective, what is the plan
for catching this marauder?

Well, we have your grainy footage
of probably a person,

so we'll run with that.

How often do you catch
these types of criminals?

- We caught a guy in 2006.
- [Robert] Aha.

You hear that, Sol? That's reassuring.

Although, to be honest,
he turned himself in.

And in a bizarre twist of events,
turns out

- he didn't even do it.
- I feel so violated.

We were home,
and even that didn't deter him.

If I hadn't taken a sleeping pill,
this never would've happened.

Probably lucky you didn't wake up.

No, he's lucky I didn't wake up.

No one's lucky.

We were robbed.

Now I don't feel safe in my own home.

That is how I felt when I got robbed.

Didn't catch that guy either.

So, what do you suggest we do?

- Should we weapon-up?
- Oh, God, no.

I don't even like having mine.

But you do have
a very active neighborhood watch.

Oh. That's good.
We can take care of ourselves.

Or we can hide in our house,
put bars on our windows,

- and get a bigger dog!
- Sol, look at me.

Have I ever let anything bad
happen to you?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe we should ask the detective
who's here

because something bad happened to me.

It's never gonna happen again.
Not on my watch.

Or mine.

Because it was stolen.

Hey. How was your walk?

Great. I peed, Spit didn't.

We're both adjusting to the neighborhood.

Why are you ironing? You iron when
you're nervous or I need something ironed.

I also iron when I'm excited.
I'm very excited.

- My parents are finally gonna meet you.
- Bullshit. You're nervous.

- I can hear your intestines from here.
- Okay. It's just...

my family's not like your family.
We like being together,

and try to be, you know,
nice to each other.

No.

Yeah.

Really?

Thought the whole point of family
is you don't have to be nice.

Well, now I'm nervous. Here, give me that.

My parents are gonna love you.

And I don't need you to be nice,
I just need you to be yourself.

But maybe slightly less yourself.

Excuse?

For example, try to throw in
the occasional "darn"

when you're inclined
to say "motherfucker."

Maybe we should fucking cancel
this motherfucker, Barry.

Gosh darn it.

Okay.

Okay, just don't... Smooth, easy strokes.

There you go.

It's gonna be fine.

I'm afraid it's not going to be fine.

- And thank God I invited Mallory.
- Wait.

Mallory's coming and you didn't tell me?

The original plan
was to only have Mallory,

- but she refused to answer to "Brianna."
- My parents were expecting

- it was just gonna be us.
- Look.

I want your parents to like me.

And Mallory is like a golden retriever.
Everybody loves her.

If some of that puppy love falls
off of her and onto me, it's a win-win.

- You really should have told me.
- I already apologized.

Check your texts.

Oh, wow.

There's your clitoris.

I'll take that as "apology accepted."

Oh, God.
Wait till my diary hears about this.

So don't mention Abba-Zabas or Big Hunks.

Or that Blockbuster
had a warrant out for my arrest.

We know who won that waiting game.

- [doorbell rings]
- Oh, he's early. I like him already.

That's good, Grace.

That's exactly
what a mature adult would say.

Wait till you see his tidy mustache.

Oh. You shaved.

I wax.

I'm looking for Nick Skolka.
I'm his probation officer, Patty Smyka.

He's the one plugged into the wall.

Patty. I wasn't expecting you.

That's kind of the point of home visits.

Dear!

[in loud voice]
This is Patty! My probation officer!

Patty! This is Grace.

[in loud voice]
Hello, Grace! Nice to meet you!

[in normal voice]
She's not quite ready for visitors.

Could I have a moment
to get her into her comfies?

Sure. I'll give you one minute
while I survey the exterior.

[Nick] Thank you.

Nick, what the hell is going on?

And should I change into my comfies too?

Quick story about my plea deal.

I have house arrest
because my lawyer told them

I needed to stay home
to take care of my enfeebled wife.

Oh, my God, Grace. That's you.

What the fuck, Nick?

I know, Grace, but please.

I had to get out of prison, and...

All I need you to do is act a smidge
decrepit, and Patti will be on her way.

It'll be a fun improv.

Your character
is completely incapacitated,

and my character gets to stay out of jail.

But our toileteer is coming.

I need Grace to seem uber-competent.

I am uber-competent.

I know that.

But if Patty knows that,
she'll send me back to jail.

And what if I promise
Grace will write you this time?

Grace, please.

I know it's a lot, but I'm just asking you
to pretend for a little while.

Grace, please.

Okay. I mean, yeah, I'll...

I'll do it.

Thank you.

I'll be right back with your afghan
and drool pot.

Don't... No drool pot!

I can't believe you're doing this.

What choice do I have?

He called Cuban for us.
You know how hard that was for him?

Oh, how do we even know he called Cuban?

He lied to get house arrest.

This whole thing is gonna be done
before our guy shows up.

Honey, are you cold?

- No.
- Are you sure?

Be a little cold.

You got us a bird.

What a great housewarming gift.

What you gonna name it?

- Mr. Beaks.
- Bird.

- Oh.
- Bird's good too.

[Al] So, Brianna.

You're the one that he's engaged to,
but not going to marry.

Which is different
than the one he's having a baby with,

- but is never going to be with.
- Tricky, and you got it in one shot.

- Good job, Hal.
- Oh, it's Al.

I knew that. The H is silent.

[chuckling]

Is there any possibility
that you guys might, you know,

get married down the line?

[inhales sharply]

Great question.

Wine, anybody?

Oh, uh, we don't drink before sunset.

And even then it's just soda.

Caffeine is a drug too.

I got busted a lot for that
in high school.

Well, that's adorable as all heck.

Uh-oh.

Oh, someone's gonna need to put
some money in the family swear jar.

- Oh.
- Really? "Heck"?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh, my stars.

Uh... Here.

Pay up.

Okay.

I'm preemptively putting 40 in.

Yeah, we bought Mr. Beaks
with the money from our swear jar.

Ten years of swears
to buy a new bird brother for Barry.

I'm gonna get that wine now.

Okay.

So, um...

- I brought you a little welcome gift.
- Oh...

Nothing big.
Just all of our best-selling products.

Oh, Mallory.
You didn't have to get us a gift.

- What a thoughtful gesture.
- Whatever that is, it's from both of us.

Yes. It is.

Hey, let's take a family photie.

That's what we call a photo.

Really testing me today.

Everyone on the couch.

Okay, you all need to shove down.

My left side's my good side.

- It's true.
- [Al] Okay.

Shove a little bit.

Here we go.

Hey, what's your passcode on the phone?

Uh... 3-8-2...

You know what? It's "fuck me."

Okay? The passcode is "fuck me."

Okay.

Just put that on my tab.

Okay. Here we go.

All right. Say "cheese"!

- [all] Cheese!
- [camera shutter clicking]

All right.

- Okay. How about a silly one?
- Okay.

[laughing]

I cannot wait to see that last one.

These are great.

Oh, my gosh.

[gasps] Oh, wow.

Oh, must be a good one. Let's see.

Yeah. Just one sec.

Brianna? You're getting a call.
It's your boss.

Aren't you my boss?

Okay. Let's take a look at this guy.

You have naked pictures on here!

Yes. It's a phone.

You need to delete them.

Oh, I'm not deleting anything.

I literally bent over backwards for those.

Yeah. I saw that one.

You need to transfer them to your laptop.

- Okay. Fine.
- Okay.

And I need the name
of your yoga instructor.

Num, num, num...

Ah. Look who's getting her appetite back.

All right. You've seen it all now.
She's old, she can't walk.

She probably doesn't even remember
I'm her sister.

[in creaky voice] Adelaide? Is that you?

[Frankie] See? Case closed.

Please leave so we can enjoy
what little time we have left

with this hollow shell of a woman.

I'm sorry, I can't leave just yet.

But don't worry,
I'm only here for a few more hours.

Oh! That's great news.

- [knocking on door]
- Uh...

Excuse me,
but I have an important meeting,

that I guess I will be taking
on the patio!

Anyone care to join?

- I...
- I love you too.

Have a nice meeting, Adelaide.

Yeah, thanks.

Everyone, enjoy your decisions.

[doorbell rings]

Mr. Purcelli.

The gays of 1420.

I knew you would come
crawling to me for help someday.

Thank you for coming over.

We are very excited about joining
the neighborhood watch.

Oh, really? When I sent you an email,

Sol responded by saying
I was running a paramilitary organization.

And you responded by saying "unsubscribe."

So our support in the past
hasn't been deep, but...

The cavalry has arrived.

Robert, I'm not going
on neighborhood watch.

I'm barely safe here.

[Robert]
You can't be afraid the rest of your life.

- You have to face your fears.
- No, you don't.

Mr. Purcelli, as a man
who patrols our streets,

would you please tell him
how safe our neighborhood is?

Oh, I wish I could,
but it's Thunder Road out there.

Kids are throwing
toilet paper at Halloween,

I'm finding feces that couldn't
possibly be left by a domesticated animal,

and on the corner, some brute
killed a trash can and didn't even stop.

- Ha.
- I think that was me.

Even if the kids
with all that toilet paper

cleaned up after the animals
with the giant feces,

I still wouldn't go out there.

Just one night and I promise you, Sol,
you will regain your sense of security.

Or be dead by dawn.

Or...

Take in that view!

Taken in.

You know, Curt,
for some of Earth's creatures,

the ocean is their toilet.

But for us, toilets are our toilet.
You hear my song?

When is Grace joining us?

Oh, soon. Uh... But before she gets here,
I would love to hear about you, Curt.

What makes Curt tick?

How'd you get into the toilet biz?

Well, my dad was in toilets.
His dad was in toilets.

His dad was in outhouses.

I'm gonna go out on a limb

and assume that his dad
was in ground holes.

Can we start this meeting, please?

As soon as you tell me
about these tiny toilets.

Please.

That's a photo of a sushi roll
I had for lunch last week.

I didn't prepare this slideshow.
The phone does it for you.

Well, I need a copy of these
for my Barry's Lunches Scrapbook.

Yeah, hey! Can we see that silly photo?

Just a second. And, done.

[chuckling]

- Okay, let's see.
- What?

[laughing]

Al, you're hilarious.

Well, I've always had a putty face.

"Putty face."

[bird squawking]

- Spit, no!
- [printer whirring]

Hey. Brianna, are you printing something?

No, no, no.

Stop.

All right.

We're gonna need a bigger swear jar!

It must have been so hard for you
while Nick was away, Mrs. Skolka!

Who's Nick?

Can I borrow my sister?

I wanna be with Adelaide!

She's a little tired.

She's had a big day
with all these visitors.

Right you are. Look at that, 3:47,
time for Grace's nap.

Oh, poor dear.
Probably won't wake up till tomorrow.

If she wakes up. God, let her wake up.

I guess you should probably go now.

Actually, I can't go yet.

[all] Why not?

I have to show you the perimeter
so you don't set off your monitor.

Oh, great. Let's do that.

Oh, God.

What about Grace?
We can't just leave her there.

Oh, don't worry.
I'll look over old Adelaide.

I mean, I'm Adelaide.

Adelaide will look after her. Just go.

Jesus.

[Barry] What are you printing?

This is just some boring work stuff.
You know, the beauty biz.

You know what they say,
the cream never stops.

Never heard that one.

- I'd love to see what you're working on.
- I'm sorry.

It is... This is top secret.

What could be so secretive
that you couldn't share it with...

[gasps] Oh. Oh...

- [beeping]
- Oh, thank God.

[Barry] I know what to do.

Okay, I'm trying to cancel the print job,

and it's not letting me.

Hey, I don't wanna brag,

but I happen to be
a bit of a computer whiz.

- Let me take a look at this.
- No!

Never fear, the paper is here.

Damn it, Barry, read the room!

- There's that temper he mentioned.
- Oof.

[gasps]

That's...

That is not me.

If we take that into account,

then our ROI projection should increase

by 20 percent in the first year.

Well, you know my motto.
"It's good to sell a lot of toilets."

- Amen, sister.
- And your marketing plan.

Well, initially we plan to pro...

Oh, patio's full!

- She got out.
- [Curt] Go on.

She okay?

[Frankie] Oh, here. Hey, hey.

That's just the way she looks
when she goes into her thought palace.

You're lucky she didn't go
to her tear dungeon.

Not pretty.

Why are they taking
the one who makes sense away?

As you know,

we have had a lot of interest in our
toilets since appearing on Shark Tank.

I'll be honest, Curt,

we're fielding calls
internationally and in Europe.

She's taking a meeting
inside right now while I'm still here?

I'm not one for hardball,

but this is the hottest thing
in toilets since the flush.

So I guess I have to ask you: are you in?

Actually, I couldn't be further out.

Really thought that was
gonna go the other way.

- Here we go.
- [cell phone buzzing]

[grunts]

I'm sorry. I have to take this.

Hey, Cubes.

Uh-huh.

So you want back in? What's your offer?

Fuck you, you piece of shit.

[groaning] No!

She's having a seizure.

[groaning]

She's fine. Don't give me
this "final offer" bullshit.

You haven't changed a bit,
you son of a bitch.

He hung up.

It'll be okay...

[Frankie] He's leaving!

Oh, he's leaving!

Are you gonna just sit there and drool?

What do you expect her to do?
She just had a seizure.

[in normal voice] Wait.

Oh, thank God!
Her medicine is finally kicking in.

As I said earlier,
we wanna focus on clear messaging.

I mean, The Rise Up
isn't just another toilet,

it's a product that will elevate
your quality of life.

Okay, are you pitching me or him?

You! You. Oh, he's nobody.

And my heart breaks again. Come on.

Let me take you to bed.

Sir, are you so eager to close this deal

that you are trying to bed
my partner-slash-sister?

It's so sad to see this kind of behavior
still so prevalent in the toilet biz.

Look, I don't know what's going on here,
but toilets are serious business.

This isn't sinks.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

You're gonna be okay.

She's in there somewhere.

[Patty] Looks like
you've got your hands full.

So I'll leave you to take care
of your wife and her sister.

[in loud voice]
It was so nice meeting you, Grace!

[in normal voice] And you too, Adelaide.

[ankle monitor beeping]

Would you two join me
at the charging station

for a long-winded apology? Please?

I get why Purcelli told us
to bring snacks.

I was starving.

We've been out here 15 minutes,

and you've finished
two ice cream cones and a bag of pretzels.

You still mad that I ate
your ice cream cone?

We both know
that was never my ice cream cone.

[dog barking in distance]

It's so quiet.

Too quiet.

Sol, you have nothing to worry about.
I'm here with you.

It's the fact that I'm here
with you that surprises me.

Oh, God.

What was that?

Oh, God! Every man for himself!

What the hell?

It... It was just a raccoon.

But you didn't know that
when you shoved me in front of you.

Well, it was tactical.
You were covering the front,

and I was making sure
that nothing was coming from behind.

The scary thing was in front!

The important thing is we are okay.

We are not okay.

[sighs]

On the upside,
it was one of your less graphic photos.

My legs were akimbo, Mallory.

Everything was akimbo.

Okay. I'm gonna need the whole bottle.
They hate me.

They won't forget you.

We wanna make sure
you're making the best decisions.

She said herself
she never wants to marry you.

She sent me that nude as an apology
for inviting Mallory tonight.

Which she only did

because she wanted to make
a good impression on you.

When you wanna apologize to someone,
you should say "I'm sorry."

But this is our love language, Mom.

Question is,
is this the right relationship for you?

Whoa. Whoa.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay. Really wanted you guys to like me
and I can see I've lost that battle.

Agreed.

Now, I know I might be a little...

- Crass?
- Vulgar?

Was gonna say "unconventional," but...

Look, I love your son
like nobody's ever loved your son before.

And I'd kill for him.

You don't have to like me.

You just have to...

You have to forget
what my butthole looks like.

And I just happen to love

this crass, vulgar,

- unconventional woman with all my heart.
- Well, I respectfully disagree

with your choice.

Well, I choose Brianna anyway.

Oh, and just so you know,
I sent Brianna an apology photo too.

No! You sent that to me. Yeah.

And you should get that mole checked.

Okay.

So now we've got no Curt and no Cuban.

You're a real Benjamin Arnold.

Benedict Arnold.

No, I don't want an iced tea-
slash-lemonade drink right now.

I know you're mad at me,

but trust me, I'm mad enough
at myself for both of us.

[Frankie] I don't even drink martinis.

If you were not so self-absorbed,
you might have known that.

You have every right to be angry.

I fucked things up with Cuban.

You fucked up our chance with Curt.

Yes, and I feel horrible.
But you understand the stakes for me.

Yeah, I do. But you never seem
to understand the stakes for me.

I thought me going to prison
would have stakes.

That's not the point.

I keep thinking you've changed
or that we've changed,

but I'm realizing
that none of that may be true,

because, look, we still end up
in exactly the same place we always do.

I said I was sorry.

Well, that's not enough.

What is enough?

How about you don't
screw up to begin with?

How about I go back to prison?

Are you serious?

You have to admit,
our relationship was better then.

Not for me. Newsflash: prison blows.

I don't want you
to go back to prison, but I...

Couldn't you find
somebody else to live with?

You're my only option. Pardon me
for thinking I'd live with my wife.

I don't wanna be your wife anymore.

I think you've made that clear.

And so, to protect my feelings,
I don't wanna be your husband anymore.

Well, then maybe you should go.

Watch me.

[computer voice]
Warning: perimeter breach.

- [siren wailing]
- Warning: perimeter breach.

Warning: perimeter breach.

Anyone up for some Boggle?

[Frankie] Coming!

- ♪ You've got me crying ♪
- ♪ Trouble me ♪

- ♪ When I'm alone ♪
- ♪ Trouble me ♪

- ♪ You've got me lying ♪
- ♪ Trouble me ♪

- ♪ In my own home ♪
- ♪ Trouble me ♪

- ♪ I should've known that it was time ♪
- ♪ Trouble ♪

- ♪ To just leave you here alone ♪
- ♪ Trouble ♪

- ♪ You trouble me, but oh ♪
- ♪ Trouble ♪

♪ You thrill me so ♪

- ♪ You trouble me ♪
- ♪ Trouble me ♪

- ♪ I should've known that it was time ♪
- ♪ Trouble ♪

- ♪ To just leave you here alone ♪
- ♪ Trouble ♪

- ♪ You trouble me, but oh ♪
- ♪ Trouble ♪

♪ You thrill me so ♪